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Shoto remembers it like it was yesterday. The last blow. The final spark. The last gasp for air. He remembers the sound Touya’s body made as it hit the ground. What was left of Touya’s body as it burned away. Shoto relives the moment every day. He gets up for school and it should be a normal thing now, but all he feels is his brother’s dead weight slipping away. Turning to ash in his hands. He sits through class but all he can hear is his brother’s last gasp for air. His final exhale. He relives it every day. His brother's final moments are seared into his brain.
At some point he realizes that he has PTSD. Or some form of traumatic response. He isn’t the only one who is dealing with it in his class. His class went through a lot in the last few years. They fought in a war. It was bound to leave some residual effects behind. He can see them in the way Katsuki flinches at loud, sharp noises. He sees it in the dull look Izuku wears on his face these days.
Some days he can’t take it. He can’t bear the thought of getting out of bed. The idea of joining his classmates for a meal makes him nauseous. On the days that are the hardest he isolates. Except for when Katsuki comes around. The blond used to be loud and abrasive. He’s quieter these days. Something about dying that really numbs the mind. He and Katsuki sit in silence because they don’t want to be alone with their thoughts but they can’t muster an ounce of comfort for each other.
It's a random Friday in February when Katsuki says something. “You should go see him.”
Shoto doesn’t have to guess what he’s talking about. Everyone knows the shadow that follows Shoto around these days is shaped like a patchwork arsonist with blue flames. “I pay my respects at the shrine regularly.” He does. Everytime he goes home he spends time kneeling before his brother. He never says much, but hopes that his presence soothes him. Wherever he is now.
“No.” Katsuki sighs. “Go to the place where it happened. I did, I mean, it helped clear my head.” Katsuki explains. “It just looked like a normal patch of grass. Not like someone had died there.” Katsuki rarely ever brings up his brush with death. No one ever asks him about it either. It's surreal to know the blond has visited the spot where it happened.
“You think it’ll help?” Shoto murmurs.
Katsuki shrugs. “Can’t make it worse.”
Shoto agrees. It becomes a habit. He takes the train. Walks the couple miles the train doesn’t cover. And every Sunday he goes to see his brother, faithfully like church. The spot where it happened is still scorched earth and rubble. He finds it fitting that his brother has left such a mark on the planet. Sometimes he picks flowers on his walk to leave for his brother once it gets warmer. He knows Touya wouldn’t care for them, but it feels nice. He can’t say he feels better, but this gives his weeks a purpose.
It’s the third Sunday in April that Shoto notices something different. There's a red feather. If Shoto didn’t know any better he’d say it belonged to a bird, but if anything it looks more like it belongs to a fake bird. The feather is designed to be as realistic as possible but it’s clearly fake. He places it back where he found it. It seemed deliberately placed there. He adds the daisies he picked today and then is on his way.
Shoto smiles on his way home. Maybe Touya has another visitor besides himself. It brings a warmth to his chest he did not expect. Even if it’s not true. He knows no one is mourning his brother.
The following Sunday he is shocked at what he sees. Large red wings spread out like a canopy over Touya’s resting place. Shoto stutters to a stop and the wings flare out before being pulled back into Keigo’s body. He turns slightly, yellow eyes pierce right through him. The last person he expected to see today was the Winged Hero Hawks.
Keigo glances over at Shoto before turning back around. His knees buckle and without even realizing it Shoto is moving forward. Keigo falls to the ground, curling into himself as Shoto approaches. Neither says anything. The tension is thick between them. He has so many questions for the pro hero. None of which he asks. He just clutches the daisies in his fist.
“You were the one bringing flowers?” Keigo mumbles, his voice muffled from the fact that his face is tucked into his knees.
“You left the feather?” Shoto replies with his own question. There is silent understanding between the two of them as Shoto sets down his daisies on the scorched Earth. He takes the spot next to Keigo, careful to not touch his wings. “What are you doing here?”
Keigo exhales like he’s been holding his breath for a while. “It’s quiet.” Is all he says.
“This is a battleground.” Shoto doesn’t usually feel so chatty. He doesn’t think Touya deserves silence either.
Keigo runs his fingers over the marred ground. A complicated emotion flashes across his face before he schools his features once more. “It’s quiet now. It’s easy to think here. No one is listening, I can talk freely.”
Shoto wonders what he means. “I’ll listen,”
Keigo lets out a dry chuckle. There is clearly nothing funny but he smiles regardless. “Dabi was a terrible listener.”
“So, you are here for him?” Shoto knows he’s prying, but he has to know. Is someone else out there mourning his brother? God does he hope so.
“Yeah, I’m here for him.” Keigo says simply. “I didn’t know where else to go.” It’s not like a body was found, goes unsaid between the two of them. Touya wasn’t buried a second time. There wasn’t anything to bury. He burned away just like he wanted to. His ashes are scattered across this battlefield. There's a grave for thirteen year old Touya. And there’s a shrine at the Todoroki estate. But Dabi remains as just another soul lost to the war.
“I’m glad.” Keigo’s head snaps up to fix the younger boy with a startled look. “I thought I was the only one.” Shoto goes on to say despite the panicked look Keigo is giving him. “Dabi’s death was a reason for people to celebrate. I was sad to think no one would mourn Touya. He deserves to be missed too.”
“I do.” Shoto can hear the tremble in Keigo’s voice. “I miss him and that stupid cocky grin. He was an overconfident dumbass. No regard for anyone else. He was the strongest person I ever met. He—”
Keigo chokes on his words and Shoto doesn't bother to glance over. He knows the hero is trying to hold back his tears. He’s trying too. He’s never allowed himself to really cry for his brother. He’s sad of course. But tears never come. As he listens to Keigo’s shuddering breaths he feels on the edge of something. Like a damn is about to break. He takes a few deep breaths.
“You loved him?” Shoto finds himself asking like he can’t help it.
“I love him. Fuck I love him.” Keigo exhales. The sound of relief is heavy in his voice. “I never said it. I should have told him. He didn’t know.” Tears are slipping down his face now. Shoto still doesn’t look.
“He knows now.” It’s all he can say to comfort the pro hero.
“I shouldn’t. I should hate him.”
“Touya was easy to love.” Shoto agrees. He should hate his older brother too. All the damage he caused. The nightmares he gave Katsuki. The hell he put his family through. The people he murdered. Shoto should hate him. He doesn’t. Neither does Keigo. They’re probably the only ones in all of Japan who don’t hate Touya. It’s a sobering thought.
They sit there in silence for a few more minutes. It’s quiet except for the wind that ruffles through Keigo’s feathers. Keigo was right. It is quiet here. It’s nice. Peaceful even. Shoto didn’t notice it before. His thoughts were always too loud when he visited. Surprisingly not today.
“I wouldn’t blame you for hating him.” Shoto finally says.
“Why? Because of my wings?” Keigo flexes his back muscles and his wings fan out. They’re not the same. They’ll never be again. For one he can’t feel them anymore. He can’t wield each individual feather like a sword ever again. Losing them had been like losing a leg. The prosthetics that were designed for him help him fly, but that’s all they do. They aren’t his wings. His wings burned away with Dabi. “They’re like a parting gift. I’m not mad about it.” Not anymore. Not when all he has room for in his heart is his grief. He catches a glimpse of his red feathers and all he sees is blue.
“I’m still sorry he did that to you.” Shoto amends. Silence falls over them once more.
“I deserved it.” Keigo finally says. For some reason today of all days he feels like barring his soul. “I killed Twice. I’ve killed a lot for the commision.” He feels like he’s confessing his sins. “They trained me into a weapon. And Dabi managed to undo it all. They programmed me like a robot, but somehow he knew all the right buttons.” Keigo chokes back his tears. He’s so sick of crying. He can’t remember the last time he cried and then he saw the fire leave Dabi’s eyes and suddenly he couldn’t stop. He didn’t cry for his wings.
All he can do now is cry. Mourn Touya. Mourn his childhood. Mourn the people he murdered. Emotions suck and Dabi left him here to deal with it by himself. Selfish dumbass right down to the end.
“No one deserves that. Touya was just an asshole.”
It punches a wet laugh out of Keigo. “He’s a bastard for sure. Absolutely out of his mind.” It was one of his more charming qualities. Keigo was attracted to the glittering danger that was Dabi right up until the end. Like a moth to a flame. Icarus that flew too close to the sun. He suffered the consequences just the same. He has prosthetic wings to show for it now.
“He was like that as a kid too.” Shoto says, a small smile perks at the edges of his lips. “He tried to kill me as a baby.” Shoto doesn’t have many memories of his brother when they were kids. It’s all lost to time now. But he can still feel the fire his brother wielded rushing towards his face. A phantom pain he carries around with him.
Keigo shouldn’t laugh. Shoto shouldn’t feel fond. Neither knows what emotion to feel or how to express it. “Fuck,” Keigo exhales.
“All he wanted was to be a hero.” Shoto adds on. “It drove him mad. Endeavors doing of course.”
“Have I mentioned how much I hate your father.”
“Join the club.” Shoto sighs. “He used to disappear up into the mountains and train for hours. Endeavor would get so mad when he returned covered in more burns.”
“He’s always been careless.” Keigo sighs. “Especially with himself. But he was driven and he was strong. I really thought he’d do it.”
“Kill Endeavor, you mean?” Shoto clarifies. Keigo just gives him a subtle nod. “Maybe I should have let him.” Maybe he’d still be here if he had. Shoto doesn’t say that of course. He doesn’t let those guilty thoughts remain for long.
“No, you were right to protect your father.” Keigo pauses for a second, collecting his thoughts. It’s something he’s thought a lot about. “I don’t think Dabi would have been satisfied with killing Endeavor. I think it would have made things worse. He’s kind of sensitive, even if he hides it well. It’s better that he didn’t. He shouldn’t have that on his conscience.”
Shoto hums in agreement. Touya was sensitive as a kid too. Dabi tried to bury it under all the black clothes and piercings, but it was still there. He tries to ignore Keigo’s use of the present tense. It comes too naturally to him and his family to use past tense when speaking about Touya since they’d been doing it for a better part of the decade. It was easy to fall back into it. He can tell Keigo is still struggling. Shoto reaches into his pocket and pulls out simple silver jewelry.
“Here,” He hands the earrings to Keigo, who just accepts them with a questioning look. “Dabi wore a lot of jewelry. They managed to survive the battle. I’m never going to pierce my ears, so you can have them.”
“Shoto…” Keigo can’t tear his eyes from the silver rings and studs in the palm of his hand. He feels his eyes sting and the glimmer from the metal grows blurry in his vision.
“Take good care of them. He really didn’t leave anything else behind.” Shoto swallows around the lump in his throat.
“You should have them.” Keigo tries to hand them back but Shoto just shakes his head.
“I want you to have them. This kind of sounds dumb, but thank you for loving him. I’m really happy someone did. This is my thanks to you.” With that Shoto stands up. He takes a deep breath and blinks away the tears gathering in his eyes.
“All the good it did.” Keigo murmurs. He clutches the jewelry in his hand. He doesn’t even flinch as the sharp ends bite into his skin. Keigo climbs to his feet, shakes out his wings as he does. “Can I give you some advice?” Shoto just gives him a quizzical look. “If you love someone, don’t be a dumbass. Just tell them.” He pockets the earrings in his flight jacket.
Katsuki’s piercing red eyes flash across his mind. How did the winged hero know?
“Am I that obvious?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way.” Keigo says. “You’re a lot like Dabi. Or well, I guess, Touya. You’re both incredibly emotionally constipated.”
“Look who’s talking.” Shoto immediately regrets his teasing. It’s too soon. Of course it’s too soon. But Keigo just smiles.
“So don’t make the same mistakes. Tell whoever it is. You’ll live to regret it otherwise. I can assure you of that.” Keigo is still smiling. It doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I’ll tell him.” Shoto feels a sudden confidence he hadn’t before. He’ll tell Katsuki even if the blond threatens to kill him.
“Do you mind?” Keigo says. Shoto glances over at him, confused at what he’s asking. “I mean, do you mind if I continue to visit.”
“No, I think it makes Touya happy. You should come by the house too. I can get Fuyumi to cook something good and I’m sure Natsuo knows where Touya’s baby pictures are.” Shoto gives the pro hero a soft smile.
Keigo can’t hold it for another second. “I’d like that.” The tears come fast and they’re painful.
They stay like that for a bit. Keigo tries to wipe the tears away as fast as they come. Shoto attempts to blink his away but his eyes burn and a few escape. Other than the wind it’s quiet. Shoto wonders if Touya enjoys the quiet now. If his brother found some peace.
“I’m going to go.” Shoto finally says. It’ll be dark in a few hours and he doesn’t feel like taking the train at night.
“I’m going to stay for a while more.”
Shoto leaves the winged hero like that. Red wings spread out like they’re shielding his brother from view. He smiles as he makes the walk back to the train station. Touya was so dumb. If he could have gotten out of his own head things might have been different. He could have been happy with his winged hero. Shoto sighs. Things aren’t different though.
When he arrives back at UA he makes a beeline toward the dorms. He doesn’t bother greeting his classmates, just lets his eyes scan for a spiky blond. Katsuki is nowhere to be seen so he heads for his room. Katsuki answers the door with a scowl on his face. It softens just the slightest as he takes in Shoto’s puffy red eyes.
“What’s wrong?” He groans.
“I wanna tell you something.” Shoto says. He’s not going to back down.
“Well?” Katsuki prompts.
“I love you.” Katsuki slams the door in his face. Shoto stands there stunned for one second, two seconds, three seconds, four seconds, five seconds and then the door is ripped open once more.
“Dammit, Icyhot! Don’t just go saying stuff like that.” Katsuki chastises him. He grabs the dual haired boy and yanks him over the threshold and into his room.
“But it’s true.” Shoto says as the door closes behind him. They’re alone in Katsuki’s room now.
“Whatever.” Katsuki huffs, looking anywhere but at Shoto. Shoto is giving him an expectant look with his soft watery eyes and Katsuki feels his resolve crumbling. “Me too.”
“Katsuki—”
“Don’t go making it weird. And don’t tell anyone!”
“Can I take you on a date?”
“I said don’t make it weird!” Katsuki barks.
“But people who like each other go on dates.”
“Who said I like you?” He scoffs.
“Well I assumed that’s what ‘me too’ meant.” Shoto deflates.
“Stop assuming shit.”
“So you don’t like me?”
“I didn’t say that either!” Katsuki groans.
Shoto can’t help but smile. “Well, then can I hold your hand?”
Katsuki fixes him with a glare. “Only your left hand.”
“Okay,” He reaches for Katsuki’s hand, but the blond steps back, glaring at him with his intense red eyes.
“I didn’t say you could now.”
“Oh,” Shoto pouts.
“Whatever.” Katsuki stretches out his hand and Shoto takes the invitation immediately. It’s a little awkward, but Shoto’s hand is soft and warm and Katsuki kind of likes it. He’s not going to admit that out loud. “Feeling better?”
Shoto gives him a startled look. “Yeah. You’ll never guess who I saw today.”
“Don’t make me guess, just say it!” Katsuki scowls. So Shoto does. He tells Katsuki all about his day. And Katsuki listens as Shoto explains the love between Hawks and Dabi that was doomed from the start. Nobody says anything when Katsuki tugs Shoto a bit closer.