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Rei stared at the photo.
His fa- no, his boss, was saying something to him, but Rei couldn’t make out the words.
Hadn’t been able to hear anything since he’d opened the folder. The second his eyes had landed on the photograph the sound in the room seemed to fall away, his boss’s words only a slight muffled noise that made the man sound like he was speaking underwater.
It didn’t matter though. Rei’s mind wasn’t even bothering to try to decipher what was being said. As if his body had given up its ability to hear in an effort to enhance its sight as Rei tried desperately to make sense of the image before him.
He tightened his grip on the folder, trying to hide the slight tremble that began to overtake his hands. A report of some kind was in the folder on the left, but Rei couldn’t tear his eyes away from the scene opposite long enough to read it.
No matter how much he wanted to.
The blond's hair was dark, matted down by the blood that dripped down and soaked into the couch below. His figure was slightly slumped, features slack. The long shadows and dim lighting in the photo only allowed Rei to see half of the man’s face. He recognized him anyway.
How could he not?
After all the years the two had lived together, worked together…spent together? Rei could recognize him by a single strand of hair at this point, so it was hardly a mystery to identify the figure in the photo. He knew, and yet everything in his brain seemed to scream that it wasn’t him. That the photograph didn’t show the man who had forced his way into Rei’s apartment and life. Who cleaned and cooked when Rei couldn’t. And dragged Rei outside every few days, even when they didn’t have a job. Who bought furniture, and made their apartment feel like home.
Rei felt his chest constrict as if something had abruptly wrapped itself around him in a vice-grip, threatening to crush him along with the air it had squeezed out of his lungs. Suddenly everything was too bright. Colors in the photo seemed to grow more concentrated, the dark red of the blood appearing vividly oversaturated against skin that was too pale, too dull.
“I will not tolerate problems of this kind again.”
Rei jerked his head up at the words that were spat out with such blatant disgust. His eyes widened slightly at the implication behind the statement. Rei doesn’t yell at his father, but it’s as close as he’s probably ever come to it.
“You said he would be left alone if I came back.” Rei’s eyes narrowed in barely contained anger and hurt as he glared at his father. He wasn’t looking at the photo anymore, but he could still see the horrible image.
The smile that had always adorned the man’s face was nowhere to be found, having seemingly vanished along with the light in his eyes.
No. That’s not true.
Kazuki’s smile had vanished long before. Had left with the bouncing steps and delighted shout of, “I’ll see you tomorrow papas!”
The expression of his partner in that moment had crumpled in a way that made Rei think the blond man would never smile again. It had hurt to look at, so Rei turned away, telling himself it was to give the other man a moment of privacy. But really, Rei just couldn’t bear to see the grief, and then emptiness that shuttered across the man’s face. It just seemed wrong. Kazuki never hid his emotions. The man’s face was a constant kaleidoscope of dramatic and animated reactions. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, quiet and blank.
Even when they arrived back home, Kazuki had walked through the apartment without a word. His gaze had traveled over the scattered drawings and toys on the ground before silently walking to his room and shutting the door. Rei hadn’t known what to do. He wanted to comfort the other man but could barely process his own feelings at the sudden absence of the energetic young girl.
When Rei felt his phone vibrate, he just knew somehow. He had run out of time. His boss wouldn’t wait any longer.
Kazuki was to be left alone by the organization. That was the condition Rei had stated upon answering the call. He knew he didn’t have much authority to back up the demand, but Rei pledged in exchange his commitment to becoming the perfect Suwa heir. No more attachments, no more contact. There would be no need to waste resources on targeting the blond man.
His father agreed, and Rei spent the next day preparing to leave.
Rei hadn’t seen Kazuki leave the room the entire day, though he was pretty sure he heard a door open and then the flush of the toilet at one point, so he knows the other man is at least alive.
Rei ended up leaving without saying anything to Kazuki. He didn’t want to see the expression the man would make. The other man’s devastated face from that night still unsettled him.
He knew it was cowardly. “Attachments are weakness,” he heard in his father’s voice and Rei had silently agreed. He knew he was weak. Knew that if Kazuki asked him to stay, he would. Knew that Kazuki wouldn’t even have to ask him to stay. The expression Rei imagined would be on the blonde man’s face would be more than enough to make Rei’s resolve falter. So he left, closing the door quietly behind him instead.
He tried not to imagine what face Kazuki would make when the man finally emerged from the bedroom. He had told himself it was for the best. Kazuki would be safe. He couldn’t comfort the other man, but he could make sure that Kazuki’s life wouldn’t be in danger due to Rei’s presence.
He trusted his father would at least recognize the opportunity this provided to once again leash Rei to his will. As long as Rei obeyed the boss’s commands, Kazuki would remain unharmed.
Or, at least, that’s what he had thought.
As he looked down at the folder again, memories popped up unbidden into Rei’s mind. The blinding grin of the other man as he and Miri happily sang along with some movie. The frustrated glare Kazuki threw at Rei as he shouted at him to “turn off the damn game and help dry dishes”. The proud beaming smile when he caught Rei folding laundry once without being asked. The small soft smile that appeared when he thought Rei wasn’t looking.
The forlorn, wistful smile he directed at Miri when she had turned to offer Rei a bite of her crepe.
The defeated, empty expression as he watched Miri and her mother walk away, the tiny figure growing smaller in the distance.
The unseeing stare of the Kazuki in the photograph. His slumped body. Blood covering the side of his head.
Loud thoughts clambered for attention in his head, but all Rei could think was, “Why?” He had obeyed every command. Completed every mission. Never hesitated, never questioned the work thrown his way or showed any defiance to the organization. The perfect assassin, just like his father had always wanted.
Rei felt his anger sharpen as his father continued to stare at him impassively. “I did everything you asked!” he bit out, his fingers curling around the folder so hard they threatened to tear right through. His father remained unmoved as Rei shifted his weight forward, fury nearly springing his limbs into a violent lunge before he could stop himself. “Why did you go after him!?”
Rei knew his father had heard the emotions hiding beneath his hostility, the desperation and grief that tinged his voice, by his father’s changed expression. The narrowing of his eyes and downturn of his mouth molded the callous indifference into sneering contempt before suddenly disappearing.
“I didn’t. There was no need to.”
Rei felt his blood run cold at the smug tone in his father’s voice, confusion and dread churning in the pit of his stomach.
No, that couldn’t be.
Rei looked down again at the now badly crumpled folder in his grip. Shakily, he looked past the photograph to see the report. The words, “self-inflicted” burned into his vision as he rapidly scanned the rest of the document, his frantic gaze stopping sharply at the paper behind it. He felt his heart drop. It was Kazuki’s handwriting.
Rei took in a shaky breath, attempting to school his faltering expression into the carefully crafted neutral mask he’d learned to put on as a child. He would not let his father have the satisfaction of seeing him break down.
Rei,
Who knows if this letter will get to you, but if it does then I want you to know I’m sorry. You once asked me if we could change, and I told you that I didn’t know. But that wasn’t true. You have changed, I’ve seen it. I guess I said that because I wasn’t sure if I could change. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to. But then I saw how hard you were working to change. It made me so proud. And it made me want to try. For you, and for Miri. But now…
Rei tightened his grip on the letter upon noticing the small circular stains that had blurred some of the writing. It was clear Kazuki had been crying when he wrote it.
But now…well, I guess a family just wasn’t in the cards for me after all.
“Kazuki…” Rei couldn’t stop the desperate whispered plea from escaping as he took in the sentence. He didn’t want to read any more. He wanted to yell at Kazuki, telling him how stupid and wrong he was for even thinking that he didn’t deserve a family. The man had taken so naturally to fatherhood, unlike Rei. And even if Miri was with her mother now, they were still Miri’s papas. They were still a family. Even before Miri, Kazuki had been more family to Rei than his own father ever was. But Rei couldn’t tell him any of this, Kazuki was gone. So instead, Rei continued to read.
I don’t know if I can change. But I know that I’m too tired anymore to try. I’m sorry.
Rei felt as if he was going to be sick. Grief shuddered through his chest, threatening to break through the dam of his barely kept together façade. He heard his father stand from his desk. Felt more than saw, as he moved past Rei’s unmoving figure to exit the room. Rei’s hands dropped limply to his side, his hand loosely holding the folder to keep it from falling completely to the ground.
“I guess the peasant knew his place after all.”
Rei’s head snapped towards his father at the words. Anguish gave way to anger, the two emotions mixing together as they coursed through his body and lit up his frozen limbs. His hand moved seemingly of its own accord, as Rei watched his father make his way out the doorway. His stride unhurried in his assurance that he once again held the sole leash that controlled Rei.
Rei felt the familiar grip as his fingers curled around it, the gun’s heaviness settling in his hand.
Kazuki was right about one thing. Rei had changed.