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The warm water felt good.
Carina watched it cascade over her wrists, she watched how it dripped into the sink below, and all the while she avoided looking up.
Looking at the carnage left on the OR table.
She blinked, studying her fingers, thinking how strange it was to see her hands without rings. The rings that she’d collected over many years, all from Italy. All except one.
It was rare that Carina lost a mamma. Rarer still that the cause of death was so violent, but a young woman was dead, and her baby was struggling for life in the NICU, and far away in some other state, a husband was getting a phone call that his life had ended.
They’d tried. They’d tried everything. They’d tried until Carina’s shoes were soaked with blood and Jo’s Adidas were stained crimson. But there was no stopping the hemorrhaging.
And somewhere in the hospital, Addison Montgomery was fighting to survive too. Every time Carina closed her eyes she could see it, the impact, the horrible way two bodies flew into the air like rag dolls, the deafening thump as they landed on the cement.
“Are you okay?”
Jo’s voice was unsteady, but Carina appreciated her concern. She turned off the sink and tried to fake a smile as she faced her protégé.
“Not really,” Carina said, exhaling with a shuddering breath.
Jo nodded, pulling her scrub cap from her head.
“I…I need to see Luna,” she said, gesturing towards the door, “and Link…”
Carina forced herself not to break, she forced herself not to react to the wave of pity that crossed Jo’s features because everyone at Grey-Sloan knew. They all knew about Maya and the 5150 and Carina’s self-exile to a hotel. They all knew that she didn’t have a Luna to hold or a Link…
“Go,” Carina smiled, offering a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Jo looked like she was about to say something but whatever it was she decided against it. With a final squeeze of Carina’s bicep, she disappeared out the door, leaving Carina alone.
~*~
Carina had grown accustomed to longing. To yearning for a person who was no longer there.
It happened almost daily. The wish she could call her mamma. The urge to text Andrea.
So standing beside her locker, slowly shrugging into her lab coat, Carina didn’t at first register why this particular longing was misplaced.
She was used to longing. She was used to yearning.
And the person she was longing for, the person she was yearning for, was Maya.
She’s gone. You can’t reach her. Your Maya is gone.
The dark thought tugged at her, its volume growing every time she tried to fight the image of Addison on the ground. Of her patient’s blood flowing over her fingers and onto the floor.
Her mamma was dead and Andrea was dead and Maya…
Carina wanted Maya. She wanted Maya’s concern, she wanted Maya’s hands, needed them, holding her, telling her it was okay. The low rasp of Maya’s voice, reassuring and calm. She wanted Maya.
Maya is gone…
Grey-Sloan was full of whispers. The lockdown was over. Addison was still in surgery. The protestors had been cleared and the driver of the car had been arrested. As if everything had been cleaned up, placed back on its proper shelf. As if the only reason Carina couldn’t see the blood on her shoes and pants was because her scrubs were black.
She reached into her pocket for her phone, starting at her locker, at her purse and jacket, at her change of clothes, at the blue eyes and crinkled nose and blonde ponytail taped to the door.
I should take that down…
Carina was having a difficult time moving. Making decisions. She stood paralyzed, her mind telling her to get dressed, to go back to the hotel, to order soup or fries or ice cream and try to sleep. But her body wasn’t listening. It was only when her phone pinged as she held it that Carina moved at all.
Bambina: Hey. I hope your day was not as awful as mine. I hope for a lot of things. I’m thinking about you.
Bambina: Good morning. Hope you slept well.
Bambina: Are you okay? Ben said the hospital is on lockdown.
Bambina: Carina, please text me. I just want to know that you’re okay.
Bambina: I’m sorry to text so much, but I’m getting really worried.
Bambina: It’s all over the news. Please text me. Please let me know that you’re okay.
There were three missed calls and seven more texts and Carina stopped thinking about what she needed to do. She stopped thinking about the hotel and her purse and her ruined shoes.
Because the yearning was making her ache.
And the pain pushed her forward.
~*~
Maya paced, a difficult task in such a small room, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. She walked back and forth in the doorway of the lounge, her phone held tightly in her hands.
“Still nothing?” Andy asked from the couch, her voice nearly drowned out by the sound of the TV and its endless coverage of the Grey-Sloan lockdown.
All they knew was that protestors had forced the hospital into a state of siege and that there were injuries. Unverified reports indicated that one of the injured was a doctor.
Maya shook her head, her accelerated heartrate making her feel dizzy. Just outside in the hall, Warren was pacing too, the phone held to his ear as he tried to call Bailey over and over.
“I’m sure she’s okay,” Jack said, though Maya didn’t miss the worry in his eyes. She knew he cared about Carina, in some strange way that barely made sense, Carina and Jack had formed some odd, inexplicable friendship, and his worry did not help her feel calm.
“Maybe you should try?” Maya said out loud, unsure if she was talking to Jack or Andy or Vic who were all perched on the edge of their seats, as if they were waiting for the klaxon.
“It’s Carina,” Vic said with a smile, “she’s probably all up in someone’s cervix and can’t answer her phone.”
Maya wished she could believe that too. She wished she could hold onto optimism and positivity, but she could barely stand the thought of Carina with the sniffles and now…
“But what if she’s not?” Maya felt the words pour out of her as panic set in. She sat down next to Andy and held her head in her hands, her elbows on her knees.
“What if she’s not okay?” Maya continued, “What if she was there and…and…what if the car hit her too? What if she’s the doctor who was hurt and now she’s in surgery and she’s alone and…she has good shoes, I made her throw out the crappy ones she had before because they didn’t have any grip and no arch support and her back always hurt after surgery, but her shoes…her Nikes…she could’ve jumped out of the way, right? Maybe she wasn’t close to it? Maybe she was…”
“Maya?”
“Should I go down there?” Maya stammered, ignoring Vic, “I know that’s overstepping and she might get mad, but…”
“Maya!”
“What?” Maya nearly yelled, finally looking up. She was confused to find Vic staring at something over her shoulder. Something Jack and Andy seemed to be staring at too. When she followed their gazes to see what it was, she nearly fell off the couch at the reason for the shared shock in the room.
Carina was standing in the doorway. Dressed in her lab coat and scrubs, she was silent, her eyes on the TV, though her face was uncharacteristically blank of expression.
She tilted her head, her hands tucked into her coat pockets, as she blinked heavily and finally looked at Maya.
Maya stood, unsure what she should do, ignoring every instinct telling her to tackle Carina into a hug and never let her go.
“Carina?” She tried instead, standing in front of her wife.
Carina blinked again.
“Sorry,” she said, “I know civilians aren’t allowed up here. I just…I walked.”
An eery silence descended, a silence born of the knowledge that Carina was very much not okay. Because Carina DeLuca practically lived at 19. She’d reorganized its kitchen the year before. She had an entire shelf in the cupboard for her coffee supplies. The formality was just so…off.
“Hey, you know you’re always welcome here, Carina,” Andy said, standing next to Maya.
Carina nodded, her brow furrowed.
“Carina!” Ben was suddenly there, frenzied as he took Carina by the shoulders. She still didn’t react.
“Miranda? Did you see her? Is she okay?” Ben’s panic was palpable. So opposite to Carina’s calm.
“She is,” Carina said, “Dr. Montgomery isn’t. And my patient died. But Dr. Bailey is safe.”
Maya felt adrift. She and Carina were still so fragile. Half the time, Maya was unsure if she was even allowed to look at her wife, let alone touch her. The afternoon in the hotel bathroom had been the closest they’d been in weeks and that was only because Carina was sick and feeling vulnerable.
Still, Maya knew Carina. She knew that losing a patient devastated her every time, so she decided to push aside her own doubts and be Carina’s wife. Because that’s what Carina needed in this moment. She needed her wife.
Maya gently took Carina’s elbow and squeezed.
“Should we go sit down?” She asked, gesturing towards the hallway. Carina stared at her, but eventually nodded, already turning to go. The room stayed silent as the DeLuca-Bishops walked away, the only sound the constant sirens outside and the grating voice of the reporter on the TV.
~*~
Thirty seconds after stepping in the bunk room and shutting the door, the spell broke. Carina’s dissociative state was replaced by tears and panicked inhales and exhales.
“It just hit her,” Carina said, gesturing wildly, “on purpose, this man drove into a pregnant woman. How could…who would do this?”
Maya shook her head. “I don’t…”
“They say they are pro-life, but they killed a woman! I couldn’t save her, Maya, I tried but I couldn’t.”
“You did everything you could,” Maya said, taking a step forward.
Carina pinched the bridge of her nose. “Dr. Montgomery is still in surgery. Maybe I should have stayed…I didn’t even think…I just walked and…”
She looked down at herself and swore. “Sorry, I didn’t change and there was so much blood…this is…I’m a biohazard and I…I need to…”
Maya recognized the increasingly spinning thoughts, the rapid breathing. She wished she could take Carina by the shoulders, she wished she could press their foreheads together and whisper eyes on me.
Instead, she lightly caught Carina’s hand and squeezed.
“Would you like to shower?” She asked, choosing to stay practical because her own emotions were so scrambled. Carina had been in danger, she’d been so close, and what if…
Carina hesitated before lowering herself to the bunk. Her shoulders slumped, defeated, but she shrugged a little and nodded and Maya forced herself not to dwell on Carina’s missing wedding ring. Or the fact that Carina, her tactile, loving Carina, had made no move to touch her at all.
“Can I help you with your shoes?” Maya pointed to Carina’s feet, sinking to one knee when Carina nodded again.
The shoelaces felt stiff, as if something wet had dried, and Maya bit back a grimace. Carina was wearing black socks and it wasn’t until she’d rolled them off that the reality of the situation came rushing in. Carina’s long toes were stained red, under her toenails, up to her ankles. Maya knew she’d find the same on the other foot and even though Carina’s scrubs were dark, she could tell there were patches of blood there too.
“I’m going to ask Andy to find you a change of clothes, okay?” Maya whispered, gentle, her heart breaking as Carina’s pursed her lips, obviously trying not to cry.
“Okay,” she said, sniffling.
“Do you need help with the shower or…”
Carina shook her head and stood. Maya rose with her, wishing they could have stayed in the moment for a second longer.
~*~
Andy and Vic were already waiting outside, both full of concern and questions. Maya was warmed to see how much they cared about Carina because Carina deserved people who cared about her. She didn’t always have that.
No thanks to me…
Jack was lingering by the lockers and so was Ben and it reminded Maya of the night Andy was attacked. Except this time, they were here for her wife. Somehow, it made her feel loved and supported too.
“She’s going to shower, so could you grab her something to wear?” Maya asked Andy and Vic, knowing the Station had a supply of sweatshirts and sweatpants on hand that they sometimes sold for fundraisers.
Maya wanted more than anything to help Carina in the shower. To wash her hair and her feet. But she’d lost the right to see Carina like that. To touch her like that. She understood that the consent they’d granted each other had changed, that Carina had silently and understandably revoked it and Maya could only hope that someday, she’d be worthy enough to get it back.
Carina DeLuca’s consent was sacred to Maya. Carina was sacred to Maya.
It was that thought that helped her decide what to do next. She balled her hands into fists and took a deep breath and prayed she wasn’t about to further hurt her career. A demotion was one thing. Getting fired? Diane Lewis would need to move in.
Maya walked down the long hallway in silence, steadying her breathing, as her stomach churned. She stood outside of the office Chief Ross sometimes used and listened to the woman’s voice through the door, terse, clearly angry.
When Maya knocked, the long pause seemed to indicate that Ross was not interested in laying her eyes on any member of 19. Until Maya heard a sharp, come in.
Ross stood behind her desk, her eyes narrowing as Maya appeared. Her nostrils flared and Maya braced because the woman in front of her was clearly furious.
“Bishop, not now,” she said, obviously trying to keep her voice even.
“But Chief…”
“After today? You really want to do this today?” Ross scoffed, crossing her arms.
Maya lowered her head, knowing full well that the blackmail incident had been a horrible lapse in judgment. Yet another attempt to win that led all the way to a hospital bed. She knew she’d likely been right about Ross and Sullivan. She knew that Ross had treated her unfairly. But there were other ways to win. And there were better and more important things than winning.
“Chief Ross, this is actually a personal matter,” Maya said, finally meeting Ross’s gaze. She squared her shoulders, standing at attention.
Ross barely tipped her head, but she seemed to be listening.
“My wife was involved in the incident at Grey-Sloan today,” Maya explained, “she’s here and she’s…I need to make her my priority right now. Permission to remove myself from active duty for the remainder of my shift?”
Something softened in Ross’s expression. She exhaled and uncrossed her arms.
“Permission granted, Lieutenant Bishop,” she said, no longer on the verge of tearing Maya’s head off.
“Thank you, Chief.”
“Is she okay?”
Maya wasn’t sure quite how to answer. She barely knew herself.
“It was very traumatic,” she said, “and…I know civilians can’t stay overnight, it’s just…”
“Dr. DeLuca is hardly a civilian. Her work with 19’s clinic has been more than instrumental in its success. Go take care of your wife, Lieutenant. Please send her my best.”
Maya had to clench her jaw to keep her mouth from dropping open. She decided not to try her luck and instead thanked Ross again before leaving.
By the time she returned to the bunks, Carina was showered and dressed in a full navy sweatsuit. If not for the circumstances, Maya would have found the whole getup adorable. But Carina looked so miserable that Maya quickly shelved the thought.
She shut and locked the door, knowing the others would understand the need for privacy, and tried to think what to do. Carina was sitting on the bunk, her hair gathered in a loose braid, and when her bottom lip started trembling, Maya lurched forward, her arms extended.
Because she hated seeing Carina cry. She hated seeing her sad or hurt.
“What can I do?” She asked softly, not wanting to make any of this about herself. Her wants. Her needs.
Carina was crying in earnest now, big gulping tears, but then she growled in clear frustration.
“I need us to be okay for ten minutes,” she said, slightly strangled.
“Uh…I…”
“I need to pretend like we’re us…we’re not, I know we’re not, but I need to pretend.”
She extended her hand, grasping, and Maya only hesitated for a second before taking it. Carina pulled hard and Maya nearly fell onto the bed, surprised to be suddenly sitting next to her weeping wife. She was even more surprised when Carina leaned forward, her face wedged against Maya’s neck.
“Hey,” Maya cooed, praying she was doing the right thing, “come here.”
She wrapped her arms around Carina and with some slight maneuvering, lay down, Carina beside her. Carina wiggled, laying her head on Maya’s shoulder as she tucked her fingers into the collar of Maya’s shirt.
“Just let it out,” Maya said, stroking Carina’s hair, overwhelmed by how good this felt. Despite the circumstances, she wanted to cry tears of joy. She’d so missed the feel of Carina’s body, her scent, everything about her. Weeks of an empty bed, of an empty life, and now Carina was in her arms, warm and beautiful and Maya was so impossibly in love that she could barely breathe.
“I couldn’t save her,” Carina cried, her voice somewhat muffled, “I couldn’t stop the bleeding.”
Maya listened, letting Carina take what she needed. When Carina nuzzled against her, when she felt Carina’s nose brush across her sternum, Maya forced herself to hold back her own tears. She used to make fun of Carina for doing it, for sniffing her, and Carina would shrug and say pheromones and continue her path from Maya’s throat to her shoulder.
Carina once explained it to Maya, late at night as they lay naked, tangled together. How Maya’s scent called to her, how it made her feel like Maya was hers, like Maya was always meant to be hers. And Maya understood. Because she felt the same way about Carina. The spot just above her ear. Between her breasts. Maya craved it in some primitive way she couldn’t understand.
To know Carina still felt like that about her…
Maya didn’t know how much time had passed, but eventually Carina’s tears slowed. She stayed lying on Maya’s chest, her fingers tracing patters over Maya’s bicep.
“I tried to come see you yesterday,” Carina whispered, breaking the quiet.
“You did?” Maya knew from Vic that Carina had been at the station, but she assumed it was just for clinic business.
“I think I have a crush on you. It’s ridiculous and it’s making me crazy and I can’t seem to do anything to stop it.”
Maya opened her mouth and then closed it.
“Everything is so confusing, Maya,” Carina sighed, “I don’t trust my own head. My heart. But today…everyone had someone. Everyone had someone to check on them. To hug them. And I…”
Maya braced, knowing Carina was about to tell her how alone she felt. How abandoned. It was all true.
“I had to come see if you were here,” Carina said instead, “I had to see if you were still my someone.”
Maya tightened her hold and pressed her cheek to the top of Carina’s head.
“Always,” she swore, “no matter what happens between us, I will always be here for you Carina.”
Carina seemed to take that in. Maya wasn’t sure how to read her silence.
Her next question was unexpected.
“What do you want to happen between us?”
The words felt dangerous. Maya was suddenly terrified that if she said the wrong thing, she’d break them forever. But Diane was always telling her to feel her feelings, to speak her truth, to be honest with herself. And Carina.
“I want us to be happy again,” she started, closing her eyes, “I want…I want to take care of you. And…and love you…and…I want you to love me too…and I want to show you that there is nothing else in this world that matters to me more than you. I want…”
She hesitated, unsure if she should say it. Until she realized that she needed to say it.
“I want to have a baby with you,” Maya whispered, not missing the damp warmth against her shirt, caused by Carina’s tears, “I want a life with you. I want us, Carina. You and me. Together. I want us.”
There was no response until Maya felt Carina’s lips against her neck. Barely perceptible, but Maya understood.
I hear you. I’m listening. I’m not ready. But I’m still here.
The silence returned, though this time it was far more comfortable. Maya rubbed Carina’s back and kissing her hairline and luxuriated in how surrounded she felt by Carina. She let herself feel the hope. Carina had come to her for comfort. Maya felt needed. She felt wanted.
“Will you tell me about your bad day yesterday?” Carina asked, and for a moment Maya wasn’t sure what she was referring to. Only six hours before, Maya had nearly fallen to her death in a cave, but she decided not to divulge that information.
And then she remembered her text message. She remembered telling Carina that she’d had a horrible day.
“We kind of started a mutiny against Beckett,” Maya said wincing, “he was drunk, or we think he was drunk, but Andy took over as captain and we all followed her. And then Beckett tried to get himself killed…at least Sullivan says that’s what he was doing. Anyways, Beckett is now on leave, Ross might fire us all. It’s messy.”
“Oh. But if he’s drinking on the job…”
Maya tensed. She belatedly realized that she’d walked into this conversation. That she couldn’t avoid the one thing she desperately did not want Carina to know. Because if Carina knew, it would be over between them for good. Guilt gnawed at Maya’s insides, guilt and shame. But she didn’t want to withhold information from Carina, not like last time. She needed to be open. Honest. She needed to let Carina decide.
Carina already knew she was a monster. This would only confirm it.
“It’s my fault,” Maya said, her voice cracking as she spoke.
“What do you mean?”
“When things were…when I was really bad, I bought him a bottle.”
The body in her arms turned rigid. Maya kept talking, as if talking could keep Carina from running away.
“There’s no excuse,” she explained, “I know there’s no excuse. He’d been on me for months, I just…I needed to win. It’s sick and it’s awful, but I needed to win. And now a man is dead because of me. Because of what I did.”
“Maya…”
Carina pushed herself up on one elbow, but Maya kept her eyes on the ceiling. Tears streamed down her face, into her hair. She couldn’t look at Carina. She couldn’t look at the disappointment. The disgust.
“Ben said that what I did was awful, but just because I did something bad, doesn’t mean I’m an awful person,” she sniffled, “except…he’s wrong. I know I wasn’t okay, I get that, but…I’m a monster. Only a monster would do that.”
“Maya,” Carina sighed, opening her mouth to say more, but Maya just could not seem to stop the words.
“I understand if you want to go. If you want to be done with me,” she said, her throat closing as she tried not to cry harder, “I…I understand. Ben said that the fact that I feel guilty means that I’m not a horrible person, but…”
Carina’s fingers settled lightly against Maya’s forehead. She brushed her thumb over the smooth skin and then traced Maya’s right eyebrow. Those graceful, perfect fingers followed a path over Maya’s cheekbone, under her eye. Along her jaw, to her chin where she stroked the small cleft. The whole time she watched Maya’s face, searching, studying in a way that rendered Maya speechless. She had no idea what was happening or what Carina was thinking or what to make of the way Carina finally exhaled and smiled softly.
“There you are,” Carina whispered, her fingers gentle against Maya’s lips.
Maya didn’t move. She didn’t speak. She watched Carina and Carina watched her with narrowed eyes.
The klaxon shattered their peace. Carina startled and moved her hand away, but Maya caught it before it disappeared.
“Do you have to go?” Carina asked, resigned.
Maya shook her head. “No, I told Ross I needed to be off duty. I’m not going anywhere, Carina, unless you want me to.”
The searching look returned, the quiet contemplation. Carina hovered over Maya, exhausted, and her pensive silence was unnerving. Any second she could storm out.
And then Carina huffed and shook her head.
“I think you’re my New York,” she grumbled, “I think I tried to convince myself that you weren’t. Because it would be so much easier if you were the antlers. But I think you’re my New York.”
“Oh. Okay?”
Carina didn’t offer any more explanation. She turned, her back to Maya, pulling their joined hands to her chest as she did, encouraging Maya to spoon her without saying a word.
Maya’s world became the smell of Carina’s shampoo, the reassuring lines of her body, the relief that she was safe and far from harm.
As Maya listened to the sound of heavy boots on steel stairs, of sirens blaring in the night, not one single part of her felt disappointment or regret. She was exactly where she needed to be. Where she wanted to be. Preferably for the rest of her life.
She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. Hoping she was Carina’s New York too.