Work Text:
“Right here are your choices…” There is a clatter as four DVD boxes are put down on the couch next to where he will eventually be sitting. “Let me just go and grab the popcorn.” All it took was one negative message for him to forget his plans and to come round here, to be with you. It may be what boyfriends are meant to do but you never expect it from him when he has so much on his plate. You’ve lost track if tonight he was meant to be writing or going to the football, but he is here.
Then why are you finding it so hard to cheer up? You pick up the stack of DVDs and scour the options. The Batman… Belfast… West Side Story… Sing 2… They’re all releases from the past year and none of which you’ve seen. “You’re the only person I know who still buys DVDs.” You murmur to him when he returns with a large bowl of salted popcorn and a bag of candy.
“I like picking DVDs up from a store. Call me old-fashioned… Sing 2 is the kids’ by the way.”
“I’ve not seen the first one.”
“I doubt that matters.” You blink tiredly at the two in your hand, one is the cartoon and the other is the recreation of the famous musical, but you can’t make a choice. Yes, you’re notoriously indecisive but that’s not what is difficult now. It is like your brain is physically unable to make a decision.
Jason crouches in front of you in the small gap between the couch and coffee table, and places his hands on top of yours, completely swamping the DVD covers. It makes your eyes flick up to meet his and you can see the worry that has taken him over. “We don’t have to watch a movie if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t know what I want.” You sadly mutter. “I don’t know why I’m feeling like this.”
“Because brains and bodies suck sometimes.” He says simply and shares a sympathetic half-smile, that makes only half of his stache twitch upwards. “Don’t beat yourself up for feeling low. It happens to the best of us.” He gives your hand an encouraging squeeze. “What do you want to do? My kids love this one.” He taps Sing 2 a couple of times and you nod. When he creaks back to standing, he presses a loving kiss to your forehead on his journey up before he takes the DVD from you.
Your couch is much smaller than the one at his place, but that’s one of the reasons why you both prefer to watch movies here. It means you’re closer together. Yes he has a comfy, distressed leather loveseat with cushions that perfectly mold to your shape and a much bigger TV with surround sound speakers, but your set-up is intimate. Plus, he is never snobbish about these kinds of things. When he takes a seat next to you, his body heat entices you closer and you shuffle towards him.
The movie begins but despite the bright colors on the TV screen, it is him that you look at and when he senses your stare, he looks right back at you with a question forming in his mind. “Will you hold me?” You answer his question with a question and his features soften at the sound of your delicate voice.
“Baby, of course. You don’t have to ask.” His arms wrap around you before he even finishes his sentence.
---------
It was always going to be a risk being out in public with him, but the weather was so fine that the invitation to join him and the crew on the Green for shooting was more than appealing. You kept your distance of course and after a while, you were convinced that you were starting to blend in with the crew, but then the end of the day came and while you hung around waiting for Jason to finish up taking pictures with the fans, you spotted how they whispered and stared at you.
Most of the crew at this point were either gone or busy packing away, and you were just hovering to the side. Watching Brendan and Chip and more importantly, Jason, interact with the people who had spent most of the day watching them shoot. You no longer blended in. In fact, a couple of the young women were glaring daggers at you. It ruined what should have been a good day and you’ve been quiet ever since you arrived back at his home. “You don’t have to eat that.” You hear and it makes you realize that you’ve been pushing the pasta he cooked around the plate.
“Sorry.” You apologize and put down your fork with a sigh.
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m just not very hungry.” You lie but the chewing of your lip gives away that there is something more.
“That’s okay.” But Jason isn’t going to push. He never pushes. “It was really cool having you on set today. We are back in Richmond next week, you could come.”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” You admit and he looks hurt by this. “I think fans are starting to work it out. Us.”
One of the reasons why he never pushes is because he knows that eventually, it will come out. This is one of those occasions when it comes out surprisingly quickly. “Is that such a bad thing?” He asks carefully, but your eyes go wide, and you notice his frown before he has a chance to mask it. “Look y/n, at some point people are gonna find out about us.” He says this softly yet seriously simultaneously. “If that stresses you out so much then maybe we should-”
“No.” You interrupt. There is no chance you plan to entertain whatever he was going to suggest. “Don’t say it. Please.” You implore with your shimmering eyes pleading. “It’s just… I’ve never had attention on me before. I was never the focal point growing up and I’ve been a nobody in most avenues of life. So this is unchartered territory.” You explain while wagging an extended finger between you. “It is also still unbelievable to me that you even noticed me and continue to.”
“If that’s true then I’m not doing a good enough job of saying that I love you.” He looks disappointed with himself about this, but he is quickly shaking his head a returning the focus back to you after a sigh. “I’m not going to put pressure on you about this. Ever. I understand your anxiety.” He reassures. “But I also know it will be okay.”
He is probably right, he usually is, but for now, you choose to give your relationship hidden.
---------
You thought your move was a smart one. With Ted Lasso filming on hiatus for a brief summer break, Jason was back in the US to catch up with family and for some sessions in the writers’ room, so when your friend suggested a two-week holiday in Spain you jumped at the opportunity. You weren’t expecting to come back to the UK with coronavirus though.
You were so excited at the prospect of seeing your boyfriend again and you had great plans for your first night back together. He was going to cook, he is a good cook, and then you were going to start The Sandman together. Obviously there were plenty of amorous activities planned also, but all of that has been scuppered. It isn’t your first time with the virus and you’re thankfully not too sick this time, but he can’t risk catching it with the production’s strict covid rules. They have already had one shutdown because of Brendan getting it, and they’re running more and more behind every minute that passes.
The doorbell sounds and for a second you consider that he has done something really stupid, and has let his heart overrule his head. You know how much it is killing him not being able to be present to take care of you, he is naturally very doting, and you could hear the worry in his voice when you spluttered down the phone. It may be August, but you pull your fleeced bathrobe tighter around yourself as you traipse towards the front door, being sure to put on a mask as you walk.
It isn’t Jason at the door but a delivery driver who has put a brown paper bag just outside and has stepped back several paces. It may not be Jason, but you know that this is all his doing. “Delivery for Miss y/l/n.”
“Yeah, that’s me.” You affirm and lean down to grab the handles of the bag making your sinuses twinge with pain. “Thank you.”
“Get well soon, Miss.” He replies before rushing off, a bike helmet hooked under his arm.
It doesn’t take much detective work to determine the contents of the bag. Inside there are two tubs, one cylindrical and the other rectangular, a small paper wrapper of what smells like fresh bread, and a bottle of water. There is a note on the receipt just under the bill of £14.50: Thinking of you, J x
There is steaming hot soup in the round container, its yellowish color and wonderful aroma tell you that it is your favorite. Leek and potato. The other box contains a fresh-looking side salad. You’re very thankful that he has been so thoughtful in this way because you weren’t at all motivated to prepare food for yourself even though you know it wouldn’t be smart not to eat at all when you’re recovering. You smile to yourself for the first time today as you remove your phone from the pocket of your robe. That smile gets wider on seeing your lock screen image. If the two of you weren’t being so private and secretive, the picture would be of him and his gorgeous face that still makes your stomach flip. Instead it is two ducks sleeping, huddled up to each other. You took the photograph on an evening walk with him and now they remind you of your relationship.
It takes you a couple of attempts to correctly key in your passcode because your brain is lagging slightly, but after you do you tap on the messages icon and type out a quick thanks to him. His name in your phone is Daniel Wendt, with Daniel being his first name and Wendt being his mother’s unmarried name. You can’t wait for the day that you feel like you don’t have to be so sneaky about your relationship, but for now, it is fine.
---------
Your social feeds are full of pictures of her again. Your boyfriend’s gorgeous yet definitely poisonous ex. For once it wasn’t anything about him, which is a relief of course because you know how badly that affects him, but just seeing her face and her perfect body makes you feel small inside. As well as really insecure. You’re not in bad shape sure but you’ve definitely not got the kind of Hollywood image Olivia has or the model’s body that Keeley has.
How can Jason go from that to you? It is a question you’ve asked yourself less but when you do, you’re dragged down to below sea level.
He was definitely surprised this evening to arrive at your place after shooting with you in nice clothes as opposed to sweats and a full face of makeup. Usually you would both be comfy, and casual, it is one of the pros to not having a public relationship because things can be a lot less stressful and more lowkey behind closed doors. “You look great darling.” He told you between kisses. “Did you see a friend today or something?”
“No, I worked from home… food is nearly ready.” He didn’t say anything else on the subject then or through dinner, but you caught him looking at you oddly randomly, like he was trying to work you out.
Until now.
It is long after dinner, you’ve even managed a couple of episodes of the latest show that you’re binging together, and you’re now in your bedroom. He is in the connecting bathroom getting ready to turn in, but you’re frozen to the spot in front of the mirror. What does he see in you? You hate yourself for letting the question pop into your head.
You’re so focussed on your reflection and your hands absentmindedly sweeping down your curves, that you don’t notice that your boyfriend has returned from the bathroom until he talks. “I forgot to say we completely wrapped on an episode today.” It makes you jump a little and you busy yourself removing your earrings, pretending that’s what you were doing all along.
“Oh yeah? Which one?” You ask as you put down one of the earrings on top of the nearby set of drawers.
“The third one… bit weird wrapping number three before number two but that’s just how it works sometimes.” He’s so close to you when he says this, it is like he is inspecting you removing the other earring and it makes you a bit hot under the collar. Once you’ve removed it and it is on the furnishing with its partner, he is gently guiding you to face him with a tentative touch.
Jason takes hold of one of your hands and for a second you think by him being present in front of you in just a pair of sweatpants and a bare chest, that he has plans for you of the sexy kind, but then you discern the worry paint his expression. “Did something happen?” You look confused at him with your head tilted at an angle. “Baby I saw you looking in the mirror and how you… held yourself. Plus, you’ve behaved oddly tonight.” You don’t reply because you can’t find the words. You want to pretend that you haven’t, but you can’t lie to him. “You’ve been distracted, a little awkward, and you dressed like we were going out for dinner not having a cozy night in.” He continues while taking hold of your other hand also, letting them swing between you. “It doesn’t feel like you.”
“Are you saying I can’t look nice?”
“Not at all. You always look nice, stunning even.” He tries to persuade. “But I love you in your Lilo & Stitch pajama pants just as much as when you wear a pretty dress. I hope you know that.” When you look down at your feet, he understands that he has hit the nail on the head.
He leads you to sit on the end of the bed and you can’t meet his concerned gaze. It is too embarrassing. “You been feeling insecure?” He carefully asks and you sigh. “Please talk to me. I may be able to help.”
“It’s dumb.”
“Definitely not.” He disagrees. “I want to be able to help you.”
You drag your bottom lip through your teeth but not in the manner he usually likes. It is purely from anxiety, but how he rubs circles into the back of your hands with his thumbs is definitely helping. “I just… sometimes can’t believe that you’re with someone like me.” You finally force yourself to meet his eye line when you say this, and you witness his heartbreak. “I’m so normal looking.”
“You’re beautiful.” He urges you to get this in your head but you’re struggling to.
“If I’m beautiful then Keeley and Olivia are drop-dead gorgeous.” He tenses when you mention them and perhaps it is unfair of you to bring them up, especially the latter, with all his negative thoughts surrounding them. “I’m different to them.”
“Yes, you are.” It shocks you briefly that he has agreed, but he hasn’t finished yet. “You are better than them. In every way imaginable.” His tone is pleading, he is no longer urging you to believe him but begging. “You’re my beautiful girl, inside and out, and I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He smiles at this, and you watch some of the tension fall off him as his shoulders lower. It is pure relief. “Can I ask what brought this on?”
“She was dominating my feed again… it fucks me up a bit.” You admit. “Which is unfair on you because it is you that she hurt, not me.”
“She did hurt me and I ain’t gonna pretend otherwise, but if she hadn’t then I would have never found you.” This is enough to make you feel better for now.
---------
One of your favorite things to do is be in bed. Whether that is sleeping, definitely not sleeping with him, or having a relaxing lie-in. You’re in bed now but it is for none of those three things. Even dosed up to your eyeballs and the cramps that are trying their best to murder you are too much. “There you are!” Jason exclaims and you wince at the volume of his voice. You thought you had heard the front door a few minutes ago. “Sorry. How are you feeling?”
“Sleepy.” You mumble, barely being able to keep your eyes open but you register him perching on the edge of the bed by the slight dipping of the mattress. He gives your ankle a comforting squeeze through the sheets.
“How’s the pain?”
“Better but still not great… taken a lot of pain meds.”
“Okay…” He sounds unsure about this. “An okay amount though, right?”
“Just about.” You open your eyes following his silence. “I’m fine. I took ibuprofen with codeine which makes me drowsy.”
“I’m glad you’re doing a bit better.” He smiles but there is still worry behind his hazel eyes. “I bought you all kinds of shit.” You then hear the rustle of a carrier bag that you hadn’t noticed before. “Heat pads… chocolate… painkillers- although I think you’ve had enough of them.”
“I just want your snuggles.”
“Aw that’s cu-”
“And the chocolate.”
“Of course.”
---------
He isn’t expecting you to just drop in like this because it doesn’t really fit your relationship. With the busyness of his life and wanting to spend as much time together as possible, those instances are scheduled to ensure that this actually happens. Tonight he was supposed to be going to the pub with the cast and bailed because of a non-existent writing deadline which is actually one he has made for himself to hide under when in reality he is struggling.
Jason’s eyebrows shoot upwards with surprise when he opens his front door, but his eyes don’t light up like they usually do when he sees you. If it weren’t for the movement of his brow, he would be a blank canvas, a man empty and without emotion. “Y/n.” He states your name, and it is like his brain suddenly catches up with him. There is a flicker of relief on his face as he steps to the side to let you in. “What are you doing here?”
He has had a drink. You can smell the whiskey on him. It isn’t something he tends to drink alone unless he isn’t doing so well further confirming your suspicions. “From your messages, it sounded like you needed some support tonight.” You reply as you remove your sneakers. “Am I wrong?”
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Jase, you’re my boyfriend. You’re never a burden.” You state seriously before picking up your tone. “Have you eaten?” He shakes his head. “I will cook us something.”
“I don’t think I’ve got much in.”
“I’ll work it out.”
You do work it out. The first thing you do when you reach the kitchen is get a bag of rice from the cupboard. It is a staple in your diet and hopefully, it will be good at soaking up some of the alcohol he has already consumed. It isn’t long before a collection of other ingredients joins it on the side. An onion, garlic, a bottle of olive oil, a small container of smoked paprika, a tub of chili flakes, a bag of green beans, one lonely vegetable stock cube, two tins – one of chopped tomatoes and the other of chickpeas – and half a red pepper you found in the fridge.
If he wasn’t in his own head so much, he would probably watch with awe, but instead, he continues to be spaced out whilst sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar with an empty whiskey glass. You appreciate that he hasn’t tried to get more.
When the chopped onion and garlic are frying in the oil, you take the opportunity to fill you both up large glasses with water. You leave yours on the side near the stovetop but you not at all discreetly put down his in front of him. “Thank you.” He mutters, staring at the clear liquid but not even attempting to take a sip.
“No problem.” You shrug before returning to your cooking. It is the rice you pour in next and a generous helping too, along with the spices. “I am making a sort of vegetable paella.” You tell him. “It is sort of an experiment I guess.”
He doesn’t say anything in reply, you don’t even know if he has heard you, but you’re not going to be offended. There is no point. You’re here to help him, to make things better, not to create further problems in his life.
You join him at the breakfast bar after adding the stock and tomatoes to your dish, leaving it to simmer for a short period. He manages a slight smile when you sit near him. You don’t speak because you don’t need to, there is no need to fill the quiet. You just take his hand in yours and play with it soothingly, loving the weight of it, and feeling for every line and crevice. It puts him at ease. This is obvious by how much looser he appears after a shaky but long exhale.
He appears a little panicked when you place his hand back down on the countertop, but that shifts when you rest your palm on his face instead, cupping his cheek affectionately. You rub your thumb over his skin intermittently. He pushes into your touch and even lets his eyes flutter close so he can home in on the sensation more effectively. You continue your pledge of silence and just watch him breathe, noting how it appears to become much more fluent.
For a minute or two all you can hear is both of your breaths, the hiss of the gas coming from the stovetop, and the bubbling of your meal. It is sort of soothing, but you are relieved slightly when he finds his voice again. “Do you ever think that the world is just too loud and noisy?” Even though his words are sad.
“I do.” You agree and it is an agreement that is completely honest. “I wish there was a way for me to take some of the workload off your plate. I wish there was a way for me to get the press to leave you alone. I wish there was a way for me to get your ex to cooperate.” The flash of hurt crossing his face gives you an idea of what triggered all this, but you know he will talk when he wants to. “I wish there was a way I could make everything quieter for you.”
“You do.” He is quick to say, and he reaches up to take your hand from his cheek just so he can hold it in his. “You just being here has made things quieter for me.” This makes your heart flutter if that is even possible, but the smile that had started to form on your face soon disappears. “I’m sorry.”
“Why the hell are you apologizing?” It comes out harsher than you were expecting but he doesn’t even blink.
“You deserve someone stronger.”
“Jase, hun, you are strong.” You hope he believes you because it is the truth. “But you’re also human. I’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve been there for me when I’ve struggled. That works two ways.” You bring your linked hands up to your lips so you can press a kiss to the back of his hand before carefully resting them back on the counter. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Maybe after dinner.” He mumbles before taking a deep breath. “Thank you for cooking.”
“You are very welcome.”