Chapter Text
The ceiling fan turns slowly as the afternoon light slowly fades from her world. Kim lays on top of her covers, hair slowly drying from a shower. She smells like soap and warm water. One hand over her bare breastbone, feeling it rise and fall, feeling the beat of her heart, slow and determined.
There is a knock on her front door, muted through the walls and closed bedroom door. Kim sits up.
“Shit.”
She quickly grabs her panties and slips them on.
Jimmy presses his thumb up against the peephole, smiling. He hears the lock give way and sees the doorknob turn. He takes his hand back right as the door swings open.
“Hey, surprised to see me?”
Kim peeks out from behind the door. Her hair is stringy and wet, leaving damp spots on her shoulders.
“Oh hey, Jimmy.” She has this nervous smile on her face. Jimmy’s not sure what to do about that.
“I, uh, got here a bit early.”
“That’s okay, I’m just not quite ready yet. Wanna come in?”
Kim opens the door wider, and Jimmy steps inside.
“I think I went over the speed limit the entire way here.”
“Did you go 100 over or something? It’s…” Kim checks the clock. “An hour early.”
“Yeah, I guess so…”
Jimmy shuffles his feet, stares at his shoes. It’s the new loafers he thrifted a week ago, now with an addition of a paper clip holding the snaffle together.
“Here, come sit on my bed while I put on makeup.”
Kim walks into her bedroom, not stopping to see if he’s following. She heads into her bathroom, fingers skimming over her makeup already laid out.
“Hey, maybe we could just stay here instead. That wouldn’t be so bad.” Jimmy’s voice trails in from her bedroom.
Kim stares at her skin as she applies foundation carefully. “You forgot to make a reservation, didn’t you.”
“No, no! I did. I was just thinking about it on my way over here, and maybe it’s too much. Is it too much?”
Kim glances into her bedroom’s reflection. Jimmy’s sitting on the far corner, facing her bookcase.
“Whatever you want, Jimmy.”
“You still have class tomorrow and work, of course. Maybe it’s not such a good idea…” He’s looking down at his hands in his lap.
“Jimmy.”
His head snaps up, finally looking into the bathroom at her.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing.” He holds up his hands.
“No, like, why are you doing this?”
“I’m not doing anything.” His body is stiff, awkward. Kim notices he’s not looking at her anymore, though he’s still facing the bathroom.
She turns and leans against the door frame. “Jimmy…” Come on.
The room is getting dark now, the light fully gone, veiling Jimmy into soft blue shadows.
“I’m not,” he insists.
“Okay.” Kim shrugs. Suit yourself.
She returns to her makeup, and Jimmy returns to reading her bookcase from the edge of her bed.
He has his hands on his knees, feeling the shifty patella and the muted pain it draws up. He takes a deep breath.
“Kim?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m just… a bit nervous, okay?”
Kim stares at his reflection, the back of his head, tilted toward her just a hair.
“Okay.”
Okay, as in: it’s alright, and: we’re fine. It seems to soothe Jimmy, as he stops bouncing his knee. The tense line of his spine relaxes.
Kim gets ready the rest of the time in silence. The last thing is a spritz of perfume, but she has a hard time choosing.
She brings over two bottles to Jimmy, holding them out. “Which one?”
Without even questioning it, Jimmy leans forward, inspecting each carefully. “This one,” he taps the glass of the one in her left hand.
Kim sprays it in the air and walks through. Jimmy coughs.
“Is that how you do it? You don’t, like, dab it behind your ears and stuff?”
Kim shrugs. “I guess this is just how I do it.”
Jimmy stands. “And that means we can go now?”
“You’re the one that came an hour early.” Kim picks up her purse, and Jimmy follows her out of her bedroom toward the front door.
As Kim locks up, Jimmy is staring up at the sky. She looks up too, just to see what’s gotten him so interested— “Oh, it wasn’t supposed to rain today.”
Jimmy’s got that uncertain look on his face again. “It’ll be fine.”
“Maybe I should grab an umbrella.” Kim moves to unlock her front door, but Jimmy lays a hand on her wrist.
“Let’s just go.”
Kim cocks her head at him, confused, but she takes her hand off the door handle.
“Okay…” As in: not sure what’s going on, but I’ll just go along.
He looks relieved at that, so whatever she’s done, it seems to have worked.
In the parking lot, Kim starts to walk toward her Mitsubishi.
“Wait, I’ll drive us.”
“Jimmy, you don’t need to. It’ll just be more work for you.”
“Please?”
Kim looks at her car, just a few feet away, and back at Jimmy. She relents. “Okay, fine.”
They get into the car and suddenly the atmosphere is tense again. Whatever tension Jimmy’s been giving off since an hour ago has intensified, ballooned to this great, Atlas-bearing-the-world weight hanging over both their heads. His knuckles are white over the steering wheel.
Kim keeps her hands in her lap as Jimmy puts the car in reverse.
The sky is really threatening rain by the time they arrive at the restaurant. It’s heavy, dark, and blots out most of the sunlight even though it’s only 5 PM.
“You at least have umbrellas in the trunk?”
Silence. Kim looks over at Jimmy. “Jimmy. Umbrellas?”
“Uh, no, I don’t think so.”
She doesn’t quite recognize this man in the driver’s seat of Jimmy’s Esteem. He’s curled inward on himself, collapsing, spiraling into some dark and painfully nervous black hole that she’s never seen in Jimmy before. He’s staring at his hands, the broad palms. The keys are still in the ignition.
Kim checks the surrounding area quickly, then leans over to him. Grabs his chin with some force and pulls his lips toward hers.
“Whoa, Kim—”
He doesn’t finish the thought as Kim pushes herself over the side console to kiss him harder.
“Jimmy, would you just—” She’s digging at his seatbelt, finally manages to unclip it, and pushes it out of the way.
“Kim, I don’t— what are you doing?”
She pulls away, still nose to nose with him, but at least not halfway down his throat anymore.
“Snapping you out of it.”
“What?”
“You’ve been acting weird . This is new, I get it, so maybe… I don’t know, I’m trying something here.”
“So you thought sucking me off in a public parking lot would, what, snap me out of… acting weird?” He seems genuinely confused by her actions.
“Jimmy…” A quick kiss, “You’re not just acting weird. I hardly recognize you. Are you really that nervous?”
A moment of clarity in his eyes. “I just don’t want anything to change.”
Kim laughs, “Change? Jimmy, all of life is change.”
“Sure, but… you’re not gonna think of me— us— any differently, are you? Just ‘cause we’re… dating?” He cringes, waiting for Kim to strike down the dating allegation.
She chooses her words carefully. “I can’t promise how I’ll feel after. But… you want to try, don’t you?”
“Yes. Of course.” He looks at her with emotion-laden eyes. Hope, want, something more. Kim braves meeting his gaze and even holding it. She needs him to believe her.
“Then… can we go inside? I’m kind of hungry for more than your load.” She jokingly squeezes his thigh.
Jimmy’s laugh is half-hearted and airy. “Yeah, don’t want to miss that reservation I definitely made.”
Kim sits back in her seat. “You’re not giving me much confidence that this reservation actually exists.”
“I guess you’ll have to go inside with me and find out.”
They look at each other one last time, the last moment before finally taking that next step toward... Kim isn’t sure, but it’s full of possibility, as wide and wild as the New Mexico desert. Jimmy puts on a brave smile and opens his door.
Dinner goes fine. Better than fine. It’s fun, and they make it through dessert before Kim’s giving him those eyes. The kind hungry for more than just food, so they get the check and make a quick exit.
The Esteem rolls up to Kim’s apartment. The cool yellow glow of the parking lot lamps bathes them both in a glow.
“Wanna do this again next weekend? I know of another place. Heard they got great dessert.”
“Maybe,” but she’s distracted. She’s leaning across the space between them again, slowly this time, so he has time to react. Jimmy meets her halfway, wrapping a hand around the back of her neck.
“Oh god, Kim,” he groans. Her hand is on his thigh again, and he wants to turn towards her, but his seatbelt is in the way.
“You smell so good.” He kisses down the column of her neck, down to her breasts. “Here, too.”
She has to laugh. It tickles. “That’s the method.”
“Genius,” his voice is muffled. Suddenly he stops and looks up at her. His eyes are shining with that something more.
It disappears quickly as he closes his eyes and kisses her mouth again. He bites her lip, tugging her closer towards him. There’s a desperation to the way he’s kissing her. The hand on the back of her neck is firm, insistent.
“Mm, Jimmy— Not here.” Kim pushes away, her hand already on the door handle. “Do you want to…”
“Kim, I love you.”
It slips out while she’s getting out of the Esteem. A shocked silence follows, stretches, expands.
It starts to rain, just a few drops at first, but harder by the time Kim speaks.
“Jimmy, don’t say that.” Her voice is cold.
He reaches out, grabs her wrist and holds her in place. Kim doesn’t try to keep moving.
“You said we could try—”
“One date, Jimmy. One date!” Her voice is climbing in pitch and volume. She’s panicking.
“You’re the one that tried to jump me in the parking lot!” He’s getting angry.
“That… that doesn’t mean anything, Jimmy. We fuck all the time!”
“It doesn’t mean—? Kim, you don’t seriously mean that.”
“I didn’t realize touching your dick outside a restaurant was the secret key to unlocking… this!” She gestures wildly with her one free hand. “That was not my intention, I assure you.”
He tries to pull her closer with the one wrist. “Please, Kim, don’t. I- I can’t put these feelings back inside. I just need to know if you… if you feel the same.”
“No!”
Kim pulls away her hand. She’s not sure what she means by that. No, as in: no, she doesn’t feel the same? No, as in: she doesn’t want to hear this from him? Whatever it is, it’s her big, red eject button from the situation.
She tugs on her purse at the same time that she slams the door closed. It catches on the corner, and she has to tug it desperately free, barely able to see straight. Overwhelmed with the sheer need to get away from this raw, bared soul.
“Kim!”
He’s watching her through the passenger side window, distorted by the rain now pouring down the surface. She slams her palm down on the window, blocking his pleading expression from view.
“Just go, Jimmy. I…” Actually, there isn’t more to say. Kim turns and flees up the stairs to her apartment. She hides under the overhang at the top of the stairs, listening for the telltale sound of the Esteem’s engine starting. It eventually does, and the wet crunch of tires over rainy pavement. It fades, and even then, Kim can’t bring herself to budge.
God, why did he have to go and do that?
She can’t be trusted with those feelings. She’ll break his heart for sure. Much worse than what she did just now. He can heal from that. What he won’t heal from is… the inevitable disappointment she’ll bring him. The way they’ll start off affectionate and loving, and the way she’ll resent him for blocking her career path. The way he’ll feel unsatisfied with her and looked down on. None of it will be true, of course, but they’ll feel like it is, and that’s just as good as it being real.
The sex is dynamite, and so are their movie nights, their late-night study sessions in the bowels of HHM. Everything is… it’s too perfect. She’ll ruin it for sure. It’s not like she deserves any of it. He’s not allowed to waltz into her life fresh out of a divorce and sweep her off her feet. Reality doesn’t work like that. No, it’s all pointed straight to disaster. She doesn’t have room in her 10-step career plan for disasters.
Kim shivers and looks up at her door. But it doesn’t feel right to go inside yet. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to end. They should be inside, peeling each other’s wet clothes off sweetly, laying hot kisses on cold, wet skin. Warming each other up, laughing.
But here she is, just cold. And Jimmy is driving away with a rained-on, empty passenger seat. Kim crouches and sits on the top step, wrapping her arms around her knees. She buries her face and listens to the rain fall.