Chapter Text
Chapter 1:
When the sunlight entered through the window she forgot to close last night, Penelope realised she has spent the whole night without getting a wink of sleep. It's not like she hasn't tried to fall asleep but the thoughts of what she's going to do today has kept her awake. You see, she has finally come to a decision. A life altering decision. Today, on the dawn of her 3rd marriage anniversary, she has decided to end her marriage.
10 years. Her husband and she have known each other for 10 years. Among those she has spent 4 years being his sister's friend, 3 being his friend and 3 more being his wife. But after spending 10 years being in love with him, she had enough. After 10 long years Penelope Bridgerton (neé Featherington) had enough of thinking what it could have been if only her husband were in love with her and accepted what it is, that he isn't and never will be. She has finally accepted that Colin Bridgerton would never even see her as a woman, let alone as his wife. So at the dawn of their 3rd wedding anniversary, she finally decided to let him go and end this sham of a marriage.
With a new determination Penelope pushed herself out of the bed. Usually when she wakes up, she wakes up with hope. Hope of everything getting better, hope of her husband finally returning her feelings. No matter how many times her heart had been broken and her mind had screamed at her that those were just dreams which would never come true, she never gave up hoping. Every new day, her heart would be filled with hope of her husband waking up and suddenly falling in love with her.
However, when she woke up today her heart was filled with many emotions except hope. Even her heart has now accepted what her mind had known for a long time. She felt sad, nervous but also relieved. She felt sad for not only letting go the love of her life— her husband but also for letting go of his family, who had showered her with more love than her own family ever did. She felt nervous for the life she'll have to live after this day as a woman whose husband had left her. But she mostly felt relieved for finally freeing herself from the shackles of false hopes of her husband finally loving her and only for that feeling of relief she went on to face the day.
Like every year, this year too her mother-in-law, the Dowager Violet Bridgerton has arranged a ball celebrating her and Colin's union. There is a tradition in Bridgerton family which was started by none other than Violet and her late husband, the former Viscount Edmund Bridgerton and was continued by their children. Every couple throws a ball every year on the eve of their marriage anniversary to celebrate the eternal love which binds them together. Violet's eldest son, the Viscount Anthony Bridgerton and his wife Kate Bridgerton (neé Sharma); Violet's second son, Benedict Bridgerton and his wife Sophie Bridgerton (neé Becket) and Violet's forth child, Daphne, now the Duchess of Hastings and her husband Simone Basset, the Duke of Hastings, have kept the tradition on going. Even Violet's sixth child, Francesca and her husband, John Sterling, the late Earl of Kilmartin, threw a ball on the eve of the only anniversary they got to spend together before the Earl's untimely death.
The first year of their marriage Colin and Penelope too were expected to throw such a ball. However, when Colin showed no sign to tell Penelope about this tradition or even remember their anniversary— despite her trying to remind him the day this way or that— went on to travel somewhere close, in England just a week before their anniversary, Violet took the matter on her own hands. She made Anthony write an urgent letter to Colin and asked him to comeback as soon as possible. She even arranged the ball herself in her own lodging, Number Five and sent the invitations to whoever Penelope wanted to invite. Even with all that effort as Colin wasn't able to return just a day before their anniversary, the ball moved to the very day of their marriage and continued to be so from the next year.
For many couples it might have been a little troublesome— to spend the day among the nosy people of the ton which should be spent only in each other’s loving company instead — but for Colin and Penelope, it was not. For Colin got to forget the day he was trapped in a loveless marriage by burying himself neck deep in alcohol and Penelope got to spend the ball beside Eloise gossiping.
Sometimes though she couldn’t stop herself from looking at the other Bridgerton couples on the dancefloor and thinking what her and Colin’s marriage could have been if only it was a love match. Sometimes she would wonder if Colin would’ve looked at her with the same heart eyes Anthony, Benedict and Simon look at their wife, if she would’ve been able to put her head on his chest after dancing with him more dances the propriety allowed the same way Kate, Sophie and Daphne puts their head on their husbands’ chest. She couldn’t help herself always wondering what it could have been if only her husband loved her.
But not anymore. Those wonderings always increased the pain in her heart only, so Penelope was done with them too. She can’t change the past nor can’t she force Colin to love her. That is why from today onwards she’ll only think of what she’ll do for herself and herself only.
After their marriage Colin had retreated into himself. Gone were the friendly conversations, bunter they used to enjoy before marriage. He had started to spend less and less time in their home. More often than not he would comeback in the wee hours and leave just after having breakfast. In the rare occasions he would be home, he would spend the entire day in the library, silently reading a book and speaking to no one. Before their marriage they had shared a strong friendship. He would always write to her more than anyone from his travel, would share with her things that he didn’t and couldn’t with others. Penelope always knew that Colin didn’t love her but their friendship had given her hope. She had thought maybe oneday their friendship would blossom into something more. Maybe oneday he would also grow to love her. It’s because of their friendship she had decided to try to work for their marriage.
She had tried. Oh heaven knows she had tried to do everything to make her husband love her. She had tried to read every books she had seen Colin read so she can talk about them with him. She had tried to read about the places Colin wanted to visit, even tried to learn their language so that if oneday Colin decided to take her with him, she could be more than just a burden to him. Failing with those she had tried other ways too. Finally freed from the clutches of her mother’s tasteless fashion, Penelope had tried every type of gown which would look good on her. She had asked Violet about gowns, dresses and colours Colin liked. Letting go of shame she had asked even Anthony and Benedict about the kind of women Colin prefer. Hell! She had even asked Madame Delacroix about how to seduce men. Taking Madame Delacroix’s suggestion she had roamed infront of him in flimsy and most scandalous nightgowns there could be, yet had failed to even get a glimpse from him. But after every failed attempt, she had realised, she started to lose respect for herself too little by little.
That can’t continue because Penelope Featherington (as she never felt comfortable calling herself a Bridgerton when the person who made her a Bridgerton didn’t want her) may not love herself but she does respect herself. She has given everything of her by loving Colin but she can’t give up her self-respect. So before she loses it more than she already has, she has to let Colin go.