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Remus comes back after summer looking downright unholy, in Sirius’ incredibly unbiased opinion. The first week of July they’d all spent at Potter Manor, playing quidditch and getting stoned all four of them in the little (or not so little) shed behind Monty’s greenhouse. After that blissful week, Sirius had only heard from Remus through letters, where he claimed he’d gotten a job over summer doing some construction work close to home in Wales, and wouldn’t be able to come visit again. Sirius had to ask him what the job actually entailed, because for him construction just meant pointing your wand and levitating things into places; Remus had sarcastically informed him through his written word that this was in fact muggle construction, and he couldn’t just levitate a bunch of bricks together but had to actually build things, from scratch, with his hands. And arms it would seem, and legs and shoulders and—
”Bloody hell, Moony!” James exclaims when Remus slides open the door to their compartment. ”Been working out, have we?”
Remus chuckles, voice low and deep, but doesn’t just wave off the compliment like he would have done before. Instead, he walks in and lifts his trunk to place it on the shelf above them, like it weighs nothing. He doesn’t even have to reach or struggle, because besides the newly well defined muscle, Sirius notices that he’s also taller, if possible. His face is tanned and it makes his scars more visible; the one across the bridge of his nose, the one cutting through his eyebrow, the tiny ones that you can only really tell are there if you’re standing close to him.
”Maybe a little bit,” Remus says, and sits down beside Peter, across from Sirius and James. ”All thanks to work, to be honest.”
”That construction job? Maybe I should get one of those,” Peter says. ”Maybe that way I’ll grow four inches and look like Harrison Ford.”
Remus grins and punches Peter lightly in the arm, ”I look nothin’ like Harrison Ford, c’mon now.”
”Nah, you’re more good looking,” Peter says, punching him back.
”Well, you all look cleaned up and nice, too,” Remus says, and looks straight to Sirius. ”Y’alright?”
Sirius can’t stop staring. ”I’m alright.”
Remus smiles and stretches out his long legs, Merlin, they’re so long; completely hugged by a pair of bell bottoms, a brown belt accentuating his waist. His shirt is a worn white t-shirt with The Rolling Stones written on it, Sirius knows it, but instead of being slightly loose like it used to, it sits tight, straining over his arms and chest. Sirius cannot stop staring for the life of him. It’s disgustingly hot all of a sudden, he thinks, so he leans over James to crack the window open.
They start talking about their summers, Peter boasts about snogging a local girl during his vacation to Mallorca, and James high fives him, and one ups him by detailing his experience fingering a girl called Amita, who was a friend of his cousin in India, where they’d spent two weeks this summer, Sirius included. She only spoke Hindi, but James claims she was making enough noise for him to understand that she’d enjoyed it, despite their language barrier. Sirius had heard this story approximately five minutes after it had happened, so he tunes out, looks outside where the train has finally started moving. Frantic parents waving and crying, saying their final goodbyes to their children who they won't see until Christmas. The train starts rolling and suddenly there’s nothing but grass fields and lakes swooshing by.
Sirius only starts listening again when Remus opens his mouth and lets out a sentence that has him almost snapping his neck to look at him.
“Yeah, I— I met a girl, she was nice,” Remus says, eyes cast down but smiling. “We mostly just shagged, but she was fun. We took me mam’s car to Cardiff one weekend and went to clubs, stayed over at her aunt’s. It was great.”
“Shagged? As in, shagged shagged?” Sirius says before he can stop himself. Remus just raises one eyebrow.
“As opposed to what?” He asks, and then James is out of his seat and plopping himself beside Remus, mouth going a mile a minute, asking how it was, if he went down on her, if she went down on him, where they’d done it, how big her tits were and finally what her name was.
Sirius feels something sour rise in his throat, he doesn't like the weird churning feeling in his stomach, because he knows what this means. He’d come to terms with it, earlier this year, that girls just don’t really do it for him. His fling with Mary last year had lasted all of three weeks before he’d broken it off, all because she’d shoved her hand down his pants and he wasn’t even hard after twenty minutes of snogging. He’s a sixteen year old boy, which means he usually gets hard from a light breeze.
It wasn’t long after the Mary incident, a few weeks before term ended, that he’d walked in on Benjy and Caradoc from Ravenclaw, fucking in a broom cupboard on the fourth floor, and almost came in his pants just from seeing it. At the time, he had just apologised profusely and said he wouldn’t tell anyone, before locking himself in an empty classroom down the hall and pulling his own pants down only to finish faster than he’d ever done in his entire fucking life. So, yeah, there wasn’t much doubt after that.
But this, it feels strange and uncomfortable, and it’s not just misplaced jealousy but a feeling of hope that’s getting completely trampled upon. With steel boots. Well, shit. Of course Remus comes back looking, well, like a man, and then painstakingly reminds Sirius that he’s straight. And apparently has a sex life.
“Prongs, can we talk about this later? I have to change and head to the prefect carriage, I was supposed to be there like, five minutes ago,” Remus says, putting a hand on James’ shoulder and standing up. James looks disappointed but throws himself down in his old seat.
And, of course, the world hates Sirius and wants him to suffer, because after Remus pulls down his trunk again and digs up his uniform, he strips off his shirt. Right there, in the compartment, which isn’t unusual; they share a dorm, so it's nothing he hasn’t seen before, except, it is something he hasn’t seen before, at least not since he figured out the whole being gay thing, and Remus is shirtless and it’s torture. His back is facing Sirius, but it doesn’t stop him from eyeing the tanned expanse of skin, broad scarred shoulders and lean muscles, an arse so wonderful that Sirius actually starts fucking salivating, like a Pavlov dog. This must be Hell on earth.
All of a sudden, the compartment door slides open to reveal Lily, brows set together in a scowl that’s quickly replaced by an odd look.
“Remus, what the bloody fuck? Since when are ye fit?” she exclaims, scouse accent very noticeable after spending her summer at home. Remus hastily shrugs on his shirt, buttoning it up in a hurry.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m almost done, you can have a go later,” Remus says, ignoring her comment and turning the contents of his trunk upside down searching for his tie. When he finally digs it out, he turns and throws Lily a sheepish smile.
“I—“ Lily says, staring, “Er, yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“You alright? How was your summer?” says Remus. Lily doesn’t answer, just continues to stare. Sirius wonders if that’s what he looked like twenty minutes ago.
He’s struggling with his tie, so Sirius stands up and shuffles in between Lily and Remus, facing him. He bats Remus’ hands away and starts at the tie like he usually does for him, folding it over and under and through, until it’s a perfect Windsor. Remus is looking down at him now, and Sirius sees him swallow; he follows it, eyes dropping to his throat which, with their newfound height difference, is a little bit higher up than he anticipated. He actually has to look up, strain his neck and everything, just to watch Remus’ Adam's apple move.
“There you go,” Sirius mumbles quietly before stepping away and sitting down again. Remus’ eyes follow him, and after a few seconds he gets a smile.
“Thanks.”
“Oi! I knew construction was heavy work, but you been proper chocker, ye have!” Lily says, and throws her arms around Remus to give him a hug. Their height difference is just comical, Sirius thinks, staring at where one of Remus’ arms had snaked its way around Lily’s waist, lifting her a bit off the ground. With one fucking arm. Sirius is going to die. Even Lily seems a bit flushed.
“Yeah, well,” Remus says, letting go of Lily to face them. “I’ll see you lot later.”
They wave him off, and when the door clicks shut, Sirius turns to James and Peter who look amazed.
“I mean, I’d turn gay for him,” Peter says. They all laugh.
“Do you guys think Lily finds him more attractive than me?”
Once they arrive in Scotland, students and teachers alike flood out onto the platform, ready to feast. Everyone seems to be in a hurry to get inside, watch the sorting and finally eat. Sirius too. They walk outside, looking over people’s heads to try and find Remus and the rest of their friends. It’s not very hard to spot a person who’s just ten centimeters short of two meters tall; but even Lily sticks out like a sore thumb with her hair. They’re helping the younger years to the carriages, and Lily’s strong voice can be heard.
“Second years this way! Come ’ead!”
Remus stands next to her, and he’s talking to Fabian Prewett. Sirius frowns.
He stalks up to them, James and Peter in tow, but is interrupted by Marlene and Mary catching sight of them.
“Hey! Sirius!” Mary shouts, waving frantically. She struggles through the crowd, Marlene’s hand in hers, and finally reaches them. “Hey, love, you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah, you?” he says, hugging her one armed as he’s holding his trunk with the other. She kisses his cheek briefly.
“Yeah,” she says, stepping around him to embrace Peter and James next.
“Black,” Marlene says, giving him a quick hug.
“Mckinnon,” Sirius says, and hugs her too, arm around her shoulders. “Nice haircut.”
She hums, pulling her hand through her blonde shag, “Maybe you should consider one, too.”
”We have the same haircut…” he says, making a face. She just grins at him. Over her shoulder, Sirius can see Remus and Fabian still talking, Lily having joined the conversation. They’re laughing, and Fabian has his hand on Remus’ arm like it's a lowbrow sex comedy directed by an agonisingly awkward seventeen year old, and Sirius silently broods.
”If your goal is to look like Frank-N-Furter, keep going,” Marlene says, tugging at a strand of his hair. ”Maybe we can style it a bit, put some makeup on you. I bet you’d look stunning.”
”Only if you let me borrow your stockings,” Sirius says and laughs. ”Maybe it’ll be my halloween costume, but you have to help me though.”
There’s a special place in his heart for Marlene Mckinnon, somewhere right next to James and his brother. If Sirius was a girl, she’d be it. And if she was a guy, he’d be it. They’re like a mirror of each other, so alike that most of the time they’re just at each other's throats. But there is probably no one he trusts quite like her, evident from the conversation they shared on the last night at school before summer. They were both a bit high, courtesy of a nice Hufflepuff girl in the year above, and sitting on a bench on the grounds. She had told him then, very frankly and straight to the point, that she was in love with Mary. After his own realisation just a couple weeks before, he had still struggled to come to terms with it, but hearing Marlene talk about Mary helped. How could it be wrong, hearing the pure and unbridled way she was talking about someone she loved? She had been crying and when Sirius had taken her hand in his and said, me too, she’d just laughed through the tears.
Now, she’s also laughing, sans tears. He looks back at Remus, trying to be quick and inconspicuous, but Marlene catches on and turns to look over her shoulder. She whistles lowly, catching the attention of Mary who follows her gaze.
”Holy shit, is that Remus?” Mary asks, slapping Peter in the chest, repeatedly. He looks quite put out because she’s not exactly being gentle, but nods at her. ”He’s even more fit!”
”You think he was fit before?” Sirius asks, eyebrows raised. She sushes him and starts walking.
”Hey Remus!” Her heeled boots crunch on the gravel, school skirt flapping dangerously in the wind after she’d folded it up to be almost a mini skirt. Every guy she passes stares after her longingly. And Marlene. She stares too.
”Is she seriously going after my best friend? I thought there was like a rule for that,” Sirius mutters, looking at Mary and Remus hugging. Marlene is looking at them with the same disdain and she seems to catch on.
”What, a don't date your ex’s best friend rule? You think she would care if there was? It’s Mary,” Marlene says bitterly.
”Well, she can’t fucking have him,” Sirius says instead and Marlene swivels her head to look at him. She smirks.
”I knew it.”
”I will kill you,” Sirius says with a sneer.
”Knew what?” James says, siding up to them and slinging an arm around Marlene’s shoulder.
”Nothing!” Sirius squeaks and then clears his throat. He starts walking, Marlene, James and Peter trailing behind him, reaching the little group just as Fabian is leaving.
”Well, let me know about the study group, Lupin. I know some people who’d love some extra… help,” Fabian says, voice low and then he walks away. He could have easily just batted his eyelashes and it would have been less of an obvious come on.
”That was some hardcore flirting,” Lily says once he’s out of sight. ”Jesus, Remus, even guys want a piece of ya’ now, that’s boss.”
”Shaddup,” Remus says, before looking up and locking eyes with Sirius. ”Hey.”
”Hey,” Sirius says, ”I didn’t know ginger over there was—”
”Oi!”
”Sorry, Evans, love you. I just wanted to say I didn’t know he was gay,” Sirius says, throwing his hands up. Lily looks at him with narrowed eyes and hums.
”His name is Fabian and I really don’t think he was flirtin’, he was just interested in a study group,” Remus says, scratching his neck.
”Oh yes, I’m sure he needs lots of… extra help,” Sirius says the last two words slowly, a little whine in his voice as he bends down and mimics sucking Marlene’s dick, who plays along by shoving Sirius’ head further down and making an explicit face. Everyone laughs loudly, even Lily, and Remus just drags his hands over his face.
”Let's go find a carriage, please, there’s twelve year olds here,” he says, looking flushed.
“What? You're not going to give carrots some extra help?” Sirius says, wiggling his brows. Remus sends him a glare over his shoulder. Marlene snorts beside him.
The first few weeks pass in a blur; classes start and are harder than ever, even Sirius has to put some effort in. Most days find him in the common room, or Merlin forbid, the library, catching up on the summer homework he had so pointedly forgotten about. Remus helps him with most of it, which does not help this little infatuation get any smaller.
They’re in the library, even James has joined them because Remus mentioned Lily was going to be there, so he trailed after them like an obedient overgrown toddler. It’s silent, some chatter filling it from other tables, which Sirius is way more invested in, rather than the Charms essay in front of him.
Remus sits beside him, wholly unaware of Sirius’ boredom that’s steadily turning into frustration; he tries bouncing his leg, twirling his quill, chews on it until he gets a few strands from the feather in his mouth and spits it out. He gets a dirty look from Remus for the noise. James is preoccupied with glancing between Lily and his own essay on the table, and Sirius almost laughs because he probably thinks he’s being subtle. But Lily is looking out of the corner of her eyes and smiling down at whatever book she’s reading, so Sirius isn’t about to ruin it. Mary does though.
The clicks of a pair of boots are heard and Sirius instantly grins. Finally, someone who can cure his clinical boredom, at last.
”Boys,” Mary says, throwing herself down on a chair next to Lily. ”And Lily, hi.”
”Hi love,” Lily mutters, eyes still glued to her book as she grabs a hold of Mary’s hand.
”Alright?” Remus asks, looking up at her. She winks back at him.
”Mary, love of my life, fire of my loins, please let us get out of here. I’m going insane,” Sirius whines, starting to gather his things.
Mary snorts, shaking her head. ”Actually, I need some help with the Care of Magical Creatures homework, Remus.”
Sirius drops his head, letting it bang on the table once, twice, before looking at her with pleading eyes. ”Please, not you, too.”
”Sorry, it’s due tomorrow, I have to get it finished. So, care to help, professor?” She asks, leaning forward a bit.
Sirius sees Remus raise his eyebrows, a smile growing on his face.
”Anything for you, Miss Mcdonald,” he says, sliding his own papers to the side. His voice is a bit rough from not having said a word in a few hours, husky and all sweet. ”Show me what you got.”
It’s a wonder that Sirius doesn’t melt right off his chair. He looks between the two of them, looks at James and then Lily who have both shifted their attention to them, too. Lily is biting the inside of her cheek, and she widens her eyes slightly when they make eye contact. Sirius widens his own, shaking his head a bit. No way, he mouths. Lily just shrugs.
”So, professor Lupin, I can’t seem to grasp the concept of feeding a Fire Crab without getting absolutely fucked—”
”Language,” Remus says, taking the scroll that Mary hands him. She tuts. Sirius swallows thickly.
”Without getting third degree burns then,” she corrects.
”We covered this last year, what’s the problem?” Remus asks. His eyes scan the essay, ”Ah, this is correct but you have to expand on it. This is NEWT level, it doesn’t suffice.”
Sirius is going to kill Mary. She’s looking up at Remus through her eyelashes, brown eyes big and wide and she’s even pouting slightly, that bitch. That’s Sirius’ signature move. Not fair. He’s so going to fight her.
It’s an incredibly tough study session, or more like a flirting session, to sit through, so Sirius packs his things up after ten awfully long minutes filled with misery and stands up.
”I can’t fucking sit anymore, ants in my pants or however the saying goes. Goodbye!”
”Language,” Remus mutters, and he leans back in his chair to look up at Sirius. ”Where you goin’?”
”Somewhere far away so I don’t have to listen to you flirt with my ex-girlfriend,” Sirius mutters, but he sends Mary a small smile. He looks back to Remus with narrowed eyes. ”No, ser—really, this is stuff that destroys friendships.”
Remus furrows his brows, looking between Mary and Sirius, ”But we aren’t—We’re not flirting.”
Mary gives him a look. ”Yes, Remus, we are.”
”Okay maybe a little bit, but it’s just banter,” Remus says, defensively.
Sirius isn’t all that upset about it, really, but it makes something in his stomach knot uncomfortably. He won’t admit that, though, because he is gay, and he doesn’t want Mary. He doesn’t even really want Remus, but still, something makes him want to gag a little bit.
”Whatever, see you traitors at dinner,” he says, and promptly walks out of the library with his heart in his throat.
One day during early October, they’re in the common room with James and Peter, completing the latest transfiguration essay. The desk is covered in parchment and books that Remus checked out from the library, stray pieces of candy laying about. Sirius is eternally grateful for Peter’s sweet tooth in moments like these, because if he hadn’t been biting down on a chocolate frog, he probably would have said something stupid when Vanessa Olsen from the year below approaches their table to talk to Remus.
Vanessa is all dark long hair and high cheekbones, long legs and a pouty mouth; objectively, she’s a very, extremely gorgeous girl, even Sirius questions his sexuality a little when he sees her. She walks towards them with a swing in her hips and perches on the desk, right by Remus. Sirius sees him glance at her arse, and swallows thickly, quickly shifting his gaze.
“Hi,” she says, voice smooth. She swings her hair over one shoulder and pokes Remus on his forearm, making him startle and fuck up the sentence he was writing. Sirius can tell he’s a bit peeved off.
“Hi,” Remus says, leaning back in his chair and looking up at her. “Alright?”
“Yeah, you?” she asks, smiling. Remus smiles back.
Sirius chews angrily on his chocolate frog and refrains from opening his mouth. Nothing good would come out of it.
“Yeah,” Remus nods slightly, waiting for some sort of context clue from her. Sirius is too, although he already knows where this is going. Whilst Sirius, and James and Peter and Lily and—well, everyone else, has made the keen observation that Remus is no longer just cute, he’s hot, Remus seems to be struggling a bit. He’s been approached a minimum of twelve times since school started, not that Sirius is counting or anything ridiculous like that. Still, Remus just thanks them and lets them down gently.
Vanessa clicks her tongue, pokes her tongue inside her cheek and quite bluntly says: “Want to take me to Hogsmeade this weekend?”
Sirius flickers his eyes between the two of them. Vanessa looks confident, but is faltering a bit under Remus’ gaze. He just looks at her, like the cogs in his brain are wiring, looking for an answer that will be nice enough, but also turning her down.
“Yeah, sure,” Remus says.
Sirius chokes on his frog and starts hacking up a lung right next to him, because what the fuck? Since when does Remus accept these dates? Since when does he smile like that? Shit shit shit. Sirius might actually cry, might throw a tantrum like he’s five and just lost his favorite toy or something. Dear muggle God, why do you have to be so cruel, he thinks.
Thankfully, he coughs quietly enough that no one is paying him any attention, so when he’s done and finally focuses back on the absolutely vile exchange, he finds Vanessa no longer sitting on the table but rather bent over it slightly, one hand keeping her upright and one playing with Remus’ tie. The one Sirius ties for him every single day without fail. He really doesn’t understand why Remus doesn’t just leave it tied, but whatever.
“Study hard, maybe you’ll get a reward on Saturday,” she mumbles, letting the tie fall and then she waltzes away. All four of them stare after her.
“Shit, Vanessa Olsen? Really? What the fuck, Moony,” James whines, and slides further down his chair. “Why are you getting all the good ones?”
“Because I don’t see women as something to get with,” Remus says, quite matter of factly. “Also because I know how to make them come.”
Sirius’ jaw drops slightly.
“Ouch, that one’s gotta hurt, Prongs,” Peter ticks.
James slaps the back of Peter’s head, and then he turns to Remus again. ”Well, how’d you know that you made that girl from summer orgasm?”
”Because she told me, and I quote,” Remus starts. ”You’re the only one who’s made me come, along with every other girl I’ve slept with.”
Something clicks in Sirius’ brain. It seems to click for James and Peter at the same time, because all of their jaws drop simultaneously.
“Every other girl? How many people have you shagged?” Peter asks, leaning forward like Remus holds the answers to all of life’s questions. Sirius, who was trying not to cry five minutes ago, is really fucking struggling to not throw a temper tantrum.
“Eight,” Remus says, and bends over his homework again. He spells away the mess he made earlier and starts writing.
“Eight girls?” James squeaks. “Merlin, Moony—“
“Five girls,” Remus says. Sirius frowns, and then—
Remus’ eyes widen, his hand stills and the ink on his quill drops onto the parchment. He doesn’t seem to care though, because he straightens his back and stutters.
“Er, I mean, eight, yeah,” he says, and swallows. “Eight girls.”
James and Peter just look confused, looking between Sirius and each other and Remus, not quite catching on to that slip up. Sirius did though. He caught it. He notices the panic, the nervousness radiating from Remus and he knows.
“Oh,” he breathes. Remus looks at him and bites the inside of his cheek.
“What? I don’t understand, you mean you shagged five properly and the rest were just like, you know, oral?” James questions. Sirius stares at Remus, who stares back.
“I’d say it still counts as eight, then,” Sirius says, and Remus instantly relaxes, shoulders dropping and a grateful look on his face.
“No, no, then it’s five,” Peter says. “Everyone knows oral sex doesn’t really count.”
“Well then, Wormtail, how’s it feel being a virgin?” Sirius asks, trying to shift the topic away from Remus. He feels a hand on his knee underneath the table, and it squeezes twice before disappearing. He kicks Remus’ shin.
Remus has shagged men. For some reason, Sirius’ stomach drops again, and he feels sicker than before. Remus has shagged men, he’s not straight; he’s just not interested in Sirius.
Remus ends up going on the date with Vanessa, and comes back to the dorm three hours after curfew looking properly disheveled. And really fucking hot. Sirius opens his curtains slightly to peak out at him when he hears the door click open. There’s something about Remus that screams ‘I just had really good sex’. Maybe it’s the messy hair or the cocky smile on his face, Sirius doesn’t really care what it is, just scoffs at him quietly. His head snaps up and he meets Sirius’ gaze and grins.
“You’re still awake?” he whispers, starting to strip. He pulls his jumper over his head, leaves it at the bottom of his bed and wriggles into his sleeping t-shirt.
“No, I’m currently asleep and talking to you,” Sirius mutters quietly, watching as he unbuckles his belt and slides it out, and Sirius almost whimpers because it should not be as hot as it is, and unbuttons his pants. He steps out of them a bit awkwardly, but climbs into bed in his boxers and faces Sirius.
“Wouldn’t surprise me if you were,” Remus says. “I’ve heard you talk in your sleep before.”
“Oh? What did I say?” Sirius asks, leaning up on one elbow. He sees Remus’ eyes linger where the blanket slips off his shoulder, leaving his skin bare.
“All kinds of gibberish,” Remus says, and leans upon his elbow as well.
”Yeah? Like what?”
Remus lets his tongue drag over his bottom lip slowly and his lips quirk up. Sirius follows it. It’s torture.
”I don’t know—mostly just bullshit, but you have wet dreams a lot, did you know?” he says and Sirius’ breath catches. ”Sometimes you just whine, or mumble something that makes no sense. And, sometimes, you say my name.”
Damn him, Sirius thinks. Damn him and his stupid voice and his stupid post-shag look. He looks good enough to eat, the moon casting shadows over his face and arms; he looks like a fucking Schiele. It makes Sirius want to get on his knees. How he wishes they were recreating The Embrace.
”Oh?” His voice breaks a bit and Remus’ reaction is agonising, the way his eyes narrow and turn intense, keeping his eyes fixed on Sirius. He doesn’t reply, just looks at his face and the expanse of Sirius’ exposed skin, trailing lower to where his blanket covers him. Sirius hasn't been this turned on in his life.
”Go to sleep, Pads,” he says finally and turns to lay on his stomach, facing away. ”Sweet dreams.”
Sirius can hear the smirk on his face.
Remus gets bolder. Sirius notices. He doesn’t just pretend he doesn’t notice when people flirt with him anymore, he flirts back. Sirius wants to kill every single person that even steps within a five meter radius of Remus. He also wants to kill Remus a little bit.
“Hey, are we still on for Thursday?”
Fabian Prewett is back, and apparently, also bolder than ever. There have been instances in the past few months since school started where he’d seen Fabian hanging about Remus. But apparently, he has now decided that it’s a good idea to interrupt their precious dinner time by taking a seat on the other side of Remus, leaving Sirius to watch the back of his head and completely interrupting the very intellectual, much more important conversation that they were having.
“Yeah, yeah, ‘course,” Remus says and shifts in his place to accommodate Fabian. Sirius kicks him underneath the table and only gets a kick back. “Who’s in on it?”
“Oh, er, I mean—“ Fabian starts. Sirius leans forward so he can look at his face, and finds him looking slightly nervous. “I asked around and some people were definitely interested, but for now it’s just you and me.”
Liar. Sirius knows damn well he didn’t ask anyone about the stupid study sessions. Fabian Prewett is a big, ugly liar. Big, ugly, ginger liar.
“You and I,” Sirius corrects. He only receives an annoyed look from Remus and a confused frown from James and Peter.
“Just you and I, huh?” Remus asks and Sirius glares at Fabian, whose cheeks are looking rather flushed.
“Is that okay?” he asks, like a prat.
“Yeah, ‘s fine Fabian, I look forward to it,” Remus says. Underneath the table, Sirius sees him lay a hand on Fabian's thigh.
He stands abruptly, feeling the all too familiar sour bile rise in his throat. James looks up from where he’s shoveling food in his mouth and raises his eyebrows in silent question. Remus also looks at him, this time with concern and confusion, so Sirius makes sure to knee him in the ribs as he steps over the bench. Twice. He walks out of the Great Hall, stomach churning.
The thing is, Sirius hasn’t been able to fess up to James yet. Not about the Remus thing, not even about the gay thing. Even though he’d spent the whole summer with him, it hadn’t felt like the right time, and he’d avoided all questions about girls like the damn plague to avoid breaching the topic at all.
Meanwhile, one night when he and James had used the floo to spend a night out in London, and James was busy snogging some girl in a random club, Sirius had been engaged in his own sinful acts. With a man, getting shagged in a stall of the club’s loo and didn’t breathe a word of it to James. Since then, there’s been a couple of guys since they started school, but he still hasn’t told James. So now, Sirius is not only jealous, but extremely guilty; for not telling James, for not telling Peter, for not telling Remus, even for ending up telling Marlene before all three of them. He knows he probably shouldn’t be, it’s not like any of them would hold it against him, least of all James. He wasn’t so sure about Remus’ reaction before, but now, knowing what he knows, it would be a bit hypocritical if he did.
Sirius doesn’t really know where he’s heading, just strolling aimlessly in a corridor on the first floor and sulking. He’s so inside his own head that when someone drags him into an empty classroom, he almost elbows them in the face. Except this person is so tall that it just lands on their chest, and Sirius hears Remus’ scoff.
Dickhead.
“Dickhead,” Sirius voices out loud.
Remus shoves him further into the room and then crosses his arms, face stony, like a professor or something.
“Oh, professor, please don’t give me detention, I promise I’m not being bad,” Sirius says in a drawl, crossing his own arms.
Remus glares at him.
“All you’re being is bad,” he says. “What’s your problem?“
“What? What are you talking about?” Sirius asks.
“What’s your problem? I know you figured it out, but I didn’t peg you for a fucking homophobe,” Remus says, letting his arms drop to his sides. He looks a bit hurt now, still pissed but hurt. Sirius blanks.
“What?”
Remus groans in annoyance and looks up to the ceiling. “You are so annoying.”
“Thanks,” Sirius grins and walks to the side so he can sit on a desk.
“That wasn’t a fuckin’ compliment, Sirius.”
“Oh, it’s Sirius now? What happened to Padfoot?”
“Fuck off,” Remus says, “So you don’t like that I’m a poof?”
“From what I’ve heard, you’re not a poof, you still shag girls,” Sirius says, crossing his legs. “And anyway, that’d be a bit hypocritical, don’t you think?”
Remus swivels his head to look at him, lips slightly parted. “You’re—“
“A poof?” Sirius asks, also getting slightly annoyed. ”Couldn’t you tell?”
“I didn’t—“ Remus stops. He walks closer to Sirius, but he doesn’t continue.
“Look, Moons, I don’t care who you shag, alright? It’s none of my business,” Sirius says, throwing up his hands. He can’t believe Remus thought he was homophobic, what a joke.
“Then why are you so pissy around Fabian?”
“Who?” Sirius asks. “Oh, you mean carrots!”
“Answer the fucking question,” Remus says. His voice is low, Sirius can tell he’s running out of patience. He’s just so fun to rile up.
“He’s a prat and he’s terrible at flirting, it makes me want to vomit,” Sirius shrugs.
Remus lets out a breath and bites the inside of his cheek, Sirius can tell he’s holding back a smile. “Yeah, he sort of is, isn’t he?”
Sirius laughs at that, dragging a hand through his hair. “I mean, absolutely atrocious.”
“C’mon, he’s not that bad,” Remus says and leans against the desk across from Sirius. They’re close now, so close that he can see the freckles lining Remus’ face, the scar trailing across his nose and the other one splitting through his eyebrow.
“He really is. Got the subtlety of a niffler and it’s taken him how long to get you to even look at him?” Sirius says and raises one eyebrow.
“Oh and you’re much better?”
“How would you know?”
Remus looks at him, the same look he’d had in the dormitory the other night, all dark and broody. “You tell me.”
Bold. Bold Remus makes Sirius want to bend over this desk.
“How about I show you?” Sirius asks instead and he sees Remus straighten at this, his shoulders setting and lifting his head.
“Go on,” he says.
Sirius just smiles, hops down from the desk and heads towards the door. When Remus doesn’t follow him, he looks over his shoulder and tilts his head. “Come on, then.”
Remus frowns, but stands up and follows him. Sirius leads him back towards the Great Hall. Now that dinner is over, students flood the halls and he scans the crowds for his potential victim. Remus looks confused.
And then Sirius sees a Ravenclaw seventh year, golden curly hair and tall, not as tall as Remus, paler too, but he’ll do. The only reason Sirius knows him is because there was a rumour last year that he had been caught with Isaac Kloverberg, a Gryffindor in the year below. He doesn’t exactly know his name, David, Dave?—D something. Sirius turns around and walks backwards, wiggling his eyebrows at Remus and promptly bumps into the guy, very much accidentally on purpose.
David, Dave, whatever, jumps a bit, steading Sirius by his shoulders. Sirius turns around, places his hands on his upper arms and looks up through his lashes.
“Oh, sorry, I wasn’t—“
“I’m sorry, are you—“
Sirius breathes out, “Oh, hi.”
David looks down at him, his arms sliding down to Sirius’ upper arms as well. “Hi.”
Sirius just looks at him and smiles slightly, opens his mouth just a fraction. Dave’s eyes immediately lock onto it, so Sirius bites his bottom lip and watches as his pupils dilate. This was too damn easy.
“Hi,” Sirius says again, taking one of his hands away from David-Dave’s arm to tuck some of his own hair behind his ear.
“Hi,” Dave exhales, “Alright?”
“Better now,” Sirius says. “You?”
David nods eagerly and swallows hard, “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.”
“Good,” Sirius answers, dropping his voice slightly and detangling from him, letting his hands lock behind his back. “Sorry about that.”
“Oh, no, don’t worry about it! Just glad you didn’t trip and fall,” he says. His eyes haven't left Sirius once.
“All thanks to you…” Sirius trails off.
“Daniel,” Daniel says. Sirius smiles. Daniel is quite attractive now that he’s looking at him. Blue eyes and a slightly too big nose, but it suits him. His smile is big, thin lips but inviting, and he’s quite charming. In an awkward way.
“Daniel,” Sirius tries, forcing his voice into a smooth and breathy whisper. Daniel’s breath stutters slightly. Yeah, this works just fine, Sirius thinks.
“You’re Sirius,” he says.
“That I am,” Sirius cocks his head, “You know me?”
“You’re a bit hard to ignore,” Daniel says cheekily and then blanks. “I mean that in the best way, I didn’t—I think everyone knows you, you’re pretty loud, not that it’s a bad thing—“
“Daniel, it’s fine, I know. I can be pretty loud,” Sirius laughs, putting his hand on Daniel’s chest. “As long as you like that.”
Daniel nods again, looking hungrily eager. “Merlin, yeah, yeah, I do, trust me.”
“Good, that’s good,” Sirius says. “I’m not really good at staying quiet, unless I’m otherwise preoccupied.”
“Fuck.”
Sirius just laughs quietly again, “Sorry—“
“Do you want to get out of here?” Daniel interrupts.
Maybe he should have been placed in Gryffindor, because that’s strikingly confident and very forward; Sirius likes it. He looks over his shoulder and finds Remus staring at them, maybe just at him, because there’s a dark expression on his face. He’s not standing very far away, so Sirius knows his stupidly good hearing picked up on every word that was just exchanged. Technically, Sirius also knows that he has just proven himself right, that he’s a much better flirt than Fabian, so there’s really no need to push this any further. However, something in Sirius makes him want to continue, to push and prod and really show Remus. Maybe it’s just the look Remus is giving him, it makes Sirius weak in the knees, and he’s already a little bit turned on, so really, what’s the harm?
“Yes, please,” he says, and lets Daniel lead him away.
Sirius comes back to the dorm late, when everyone else is asleep, feeling very much well shagged and basking in the thought of a night well spent. He tries to be as quiet as he can, closing the door carefully and creeping across the room to his bed. However, when he starts taking off his uniform, a pair of drapes rustle behind him and he jumps slightly.
“Merlin, you scared the shit out of me,” he says to Remus, turning to face him. He’s leaning against the wall at the head of the bed, long legs stretched out in front of him with a book open on his lap. He’s not wearing trousers. Or a shirt. Just a pair of pants. Sirius swallows thickly. Not fair.
“You’ve been with him until now?” Remus asks.
“He has a name, you know,” Sirius says.
“Yeah? You mean like Fabian has a name?”
“Who? Carrots?” Sirius asks and starts unbuttoning his shirt. Remus just shakes his head.
“Whatever, Padfoot.”
He lays down and closes his drapes, leaving Sirius to stare at them longingly. Well, fuck.
James corners him the next evening in the common room, looking extremely stressed out and on the brink of tearing his hair out.
“What’s with you and Remus?” he asks, a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and voice low. Like a concerned dad. He almost laughs.
“What? Nothing,” Sirius says, feigning ignorance. However, it’s pretty hard after Remus has spent the whole day basically ignoring him unless it’s to make some passive aggressive comment directed at him. In return, Sirius had opted to be as annoying as humanly possible, prodding all his buttons.
After dinner, when the four of them plus the girls had made their way back to the common room, Remus had finally snapped, called Sirius a twat and swiftly turned around and disappeared. Which, in hindsight, was fair enough, but also not very fun for anyone present. Except Marlene, who’d started laughing like it was the funniest thing she’d ever witnessed. Everyone except her was left gaping after him, until Lily had huffed something under her breath and followed him. This prompted everyone to ask Sirius about a million questions, asking what he’d done and why Remus was angry, and frankly, Sirius didn’t have an answer. Their stilted conversation after his return to their dormitory last night was just confusing, and left Sirius with many, many questions himself. But he didn’t want to cave first.
“Don’t do that, Pads, ser—for real, what’s going on?” James asks now, five minutes later, looking concerned.
“I really have no idea. He woke up all moody and snapped at me this morning, too, so I just did what I do best—“
“Which is getting on his nerves?”
“Which is getting on his nerves, yes, exactly,” Sirius grins. “You know me so well.”
James sighs. “You guys fight like an old married couple.”
Sirius gawks at him.
“We do not!”
James makes a face.
“Whatever,” Sirius says and scoffs. “I don’t know what his problem is, he was a bit pissed yesterday, said something about me not liking carrots—“
“I thought you liked carrots? Wait, why would he be upset about you not liking carrots?” James questions, looking even more confused than five minutes ago.
“Fabian, Prongs, carrots as in Fabian,” Sirius says gruelingly.
“Oh! Got it, he’s upset because you don’t like the guy he’s interested in?”
Sirius shushes him quickly and stares at him with wide eyes.
“How—I mean, what?”
“It’s sort of obvious that Fabian is into him, I mean clearly Remus isn’t as interested, but he obviously wants to shag him,” James says, matter-of-factly. Like it’s obvious. Like Sirius hasn’t saved Remus a handful of times when he’s accidentally slipped up since they came back after summer. “So you’re jealous?”
Again, Sirius’ jaw drops, because, what the fuck? Since when is James Potter, Mr. Oblivious, so attentive?
“Was that—Was I not supposed to know that?” James asks after several seconds of Sirius just staring at him. “Sorry.”
“No I—I’m not interested in Remus,” Sirius tries, but James just raises his eyebrows. “Okay, okay, maybe just like a tiny, teensy little bit, but that doesn’t mean anything! And I’m not jealous!”
“Pads,” James starts. “It’s okay.”
Fuck James and his wonderful, amazing, kind soul. And fuck his apparent new found perception. Sirius wants to gag.
“How did you know I was—That I was, you know,” Sirius says, “Gay?”
“I’ve known for a while,” James admits. “I’ve had a hunch for a few years.”
“A few years?” Sirius exclaims and punches James on his chest. “What the hell? I only figured it out myself before summer!”
“Oh, really?”
“I was with Mary!”
“Yeah for like, a couple of weeks? I thought it was just, you know, to hide it from everyone else. I was going to confront you and tell you that you weren’t being fair on Mary, but then you split anyway,” James shrugs casually.
“Merlin,” Sirius sighs. They stand in silence for a bit.
“So, Moony?” James urges after a while.
“I don’t know, James, I don’t know,” Sirius says, lowering his voice. “I wanna shag him. He’s just so—ugh.”
“Understandable, he’s hot,” James nods, agreeing.
“Hey!” Sirius punches him again, harder this time.
“Okay, sorry, sorry,” James laughs. ”Maybe you should talk to him.”
Sirius sneers at him, but then chews his lip anxiously. Maybe he should talk to him, if only to let out a very forced apology that he knows Remus won’t believe but will accept anyway, and then they’d be fine. Go back to normal, which entails extreme sexual tension from Sirius’ side and whatever it is that Remus brings to the table is called. Pettiness? Indifference? Anywho, Sirius doesn’t really know which Remus he prefers; the one who’s aloof but also smiles at his stupid jokes or the one who yells at him and looks at him like he’s about to pounce. The latter really shouldn’t be attractive for any reason, but Sirius has daddy issues. And mommy issues. Really all kinds of issues, but he’s working on them.
”Yeah, yeah I’ll go do that,” Sirius says and starts for the portrait.
”Uh, Pads?” James calls after him.
”Sorry, I have to go!”
”Maybe check the map? You don’t even know where he is,” James says, looking at him and scratching his head.
”Oh,” Sirius says and does a 180, making his way to the dorm. ”You’re right, thanks!”
He thunders up the stairs two at a time and kicks the door open. The map is in James’ nightstand, and he checks it quickly, eyes darting over every floor until he finally sees Remus’ name next to Lily’s. And then he groans.
”Ugh, really? Second floor, Moony? What is wrong with you?” he mumbles under his breath. He dashes across the common room again, passing James with a grin and makes the awfully long journey from Gryffindor tower to the second floor. Once he reaches the classroom he’d seen Remus and Lily were in, he pauses outside and presses his ear to the door. Lily’s voice is diluted, but he can make out some words.
”I know how you… but it’s either that or… please, you’re makin’ yourself miserable,” he hears her say, missing some words. He curses quietly, starting to back away, until he hears Remus’ voice loud and clear.
”Pads, I know you’re there!”
Shit. Shit shit shit.
He throws open the door, acting like he’s not panicking inwards.
”I still don’t know how you do that, it’s kind of scary,” Sirius says, appearing indifferent.
”You seem to be forgetting that I have a very good sense of smell, and hearing,” Remus says. He’s leaning back in one of the classroom chairs, legs spread and hands on his thighs. God, his very muscular thighs. Lily sits across from him on a desk, but jumps off once Sirius starts moving closer.
”I’ll leave yous to it,” she says, and on her way out she narrows her eyes at Sirius and shoulders him. Hard. Sirius winces and clicks his tongue. He deserves it though. Probably. Even though he’s not really sure what he’s done except be annoying. Technically, Remus started it, but Sirius isn’t afraid to be the bigger person, which he tells Remus.
Remus barks a laugh, loud and full of spite.
”Are you okay in the head?” he asks, crossing an ankle over the opposite knee. ”Jesus, Pads. I didn’t start shit.”
”Well I didn’t either!” Sirius proclaims, gesturing with his hands.
”With you throwing hissy fits every time Fabian talks to me? Just ’coz you have a problem with him doesn’t mean I can’t—” Remus says and stops abruptly.
”What? Doesn’t mean you can’t what? Fuck him, you mean?” Sirius asks. ”I already said I don’t care who you shag, Fabian or Vanessa or whatever! I don’t really understand why you’re so cross.”
”You—I don’t—”
”Merlin, finish a fucking sentence for once,” Sirius pushes.
”Oh fuck you!” Remus yells and he’s standing up now, walking towards Sirius and towering over him. ”Seriously, fuck you! You think this is easy? I hate talkin’ about this shit, especially with you—you’ve never taken anything seriously in your fuckin’ life, Padfoot! And God help me if you make a name joke right now I swear I’m going to strangle you!”
”I wasn’t—”
”I can see it on your face, please just—can you just give your insincere fucking apology so I can pretend to forgive you and we can go back to not being—not fighting, please,” Remus says. ”I don’t want to fight.”
Sirius breathes, looking at Remus’ face, whose eyes are facing down at the ground. And then Sirius nods, grabbing his wrist and squeezing.
”Okay,” he says, and Remus finally looks him in the eyes. ”Okay, but it’s not—it’s not insincere this time, I really am sorry.”
Remus scans his face, flickers his eyes down to where Sirius’ hand has encircled his wrist. ”Okay, thanks. Thank you.”
”Are we okay?” Sirius asks.
”Yeah, we’re okay. We’re always okay.”
After that, everything goes back to normal. Sirius tries to make an effort to not terrorise Fabian, at least not to his face, and Remus doesn’t say a word when Sirius disappears with Daniel for a second time and shows up to the common room with a hickey. Instead, his eyes just linger on Sirius’ throat and he continues his conversation with Lily on the sofa.
James and Peter, on the other hand, make a right fuss when he shows up, wiggling their eyebrows and moaning loudly so that every head in the common room turns to look at them. Sirius just shakes his head with a smile and flops down next to Marlene on another sofa.
”Now, now, Black, don’t think you can come and contaminate this sacred space with your disgusting semen and other bodily fluids. Go take a shower,” she pokes his arm with a single finger, looking disgusted. However, Sirius notices that she’s sporting a love bite of her own.
”That’s just foxy, Mckinnon, what’s that on your neck? Huh?” Sirius pokes his own finger right at the mark.
”Fuck off, would ya?” she hisses. ”I tried to cover it with some of Lily’s makeup. Can you see it a lot?”
”Do you have a secret love affair with the Giant Squid? It’s huge,” he teases her, but makes an attempt to be quiet.
”I—It’s just someone I’ve been seeing,” she says and glances around. Sirius does the same, but everyone is invested in their own separate conversations again, so he turns back to her.
”Pray tell, Marls,” he says, and shuffles around so he can fold his legs underneath him. It’s quite hard and uncomfortable because he’s wearing his big boots, and a pair of really tight jeans, but he ignores it in favor of seeing Marlene’s eyes light up.
”Dorcas Meadowes, from Slytherin,” she mumbles. Sirius gasps. Peter looks up from where he’s playing chess with Frank, but quickly looks back at the game.
”Sorry, sorry,” Sirius says when Marlene pinches his thigh. ”A Slytherin? Really?”
”I know, I know,” she sighs, looking down at her lap. ”She’s just so—ugh.”
”Yeah, I get what you mean,” he says. She hums.
”So, you’re over lover boy?”
Sirius rolls his eyes.
”I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says, inspecting his hands. ”But I’m shagging some Daniel from Ravenclaw.”
”Oh my God,” she says and laughs. She tries to do it quietly, but once again Peter, and this time Remus too, snap their heads to look at them. She doesn’t say anything else before they both look away. ”Daniel Werner? He even looks like Remus.”
Sirius frowns and says, ”No he doesn’t!”
”Uh, yeah, he does! Just like, a less hot version of him,” Marlene says, putting a hand over her mouth to avoid laughing. ”This is the best thing I’ve ever heard.”
”Oh fuck off! You definitely have a type, too!” He tries and Marlene just descends into more laughter. Sirius is honestly a bit offended. ”Whatever.”
”Look, I don’t want to draw any wild conclusions, but Remus hasn’t stopped glancing your way since you came in,” Marlene says in a whisper, taking his hand in hers. The touch grounds him a bit and it feels nice, so he lets her. He’s not sure if Marlene knows about Remus’ bisexuality and he really doesn’t want to tell her, it’s not his place.
”What is that supposed to mean?”
”I just mean that, you know, I’ve seen him look at you sometimes. And I know he’s seeing Fabian a bit, or at least shagging him. No one else has noticed I think, but I can tell,” she explains. She looks over at Remus, who’s stuck listening to James ranting, probably about quidditch. ”But he’s not—he doesn’t like him, not romantically. But he looks at you a lot.”
”Well, he’s not blind,” Sirius scoffs. ”I’m hot, but that doesn’t mean he’s romantically interested in me, either.”
”I know that. It’s just—he doesn’t look at Fabian the way he looks at you.”
”You’re being stupid, Marls, I’m not even interested in him romantically. Also, don’t mention carrots, at least not in front of me, he’s like a lost puppy trailing after Remus. It’s getting annoying,” Sirius sighs.
”Speaking of the devil,” Marlene says, nodding her head at the portrait. Just getting in is Fabian, looking around the room, like a lost puppy, and lights up when he spots the back of Remus’ head. He seems to think better of it though when he meets Sirius’ eyes, so instead of walking over to them, he hovers slightly away from the entrance. Pathetic.
Remus seems to sense his presence and turns to look over his shoulder. Sirius watches as he turns back to James, sighing carefully and closing his eyes. Ha, Sirius thinks, he’s annoyed. And then, Remus opens his eyes and meets Sirius’, his expression shifting into something else. He knocks his shoulder into James who stops talking, then he’s up and circling the couch to walk to Fabian. So, Remus knows that James knows. Interesting. Sirius feels his chest drop when Remus reaches Fabian, pulling him into a one armed hug. Fabian looks ecstatic, though. It makes Sirius want to punch his pitiful little face.
Remus looks over Fabian’s shoulder, meets Sirius’ gaze once again and fucking smirks. So, Sirius does what he does best; becomes annoying. He lifts his hand to his mouth, making sure no one is looking at them and puts two fingers in his mouth. He sees Remus’ lips part and his eyes zero in on it, ignoring Fabian’s chattering in front of him, and then Sirius lets his fingers slip out of his mouth, flips him off and smiles sweetly.
He would do anything to see Remus’ face go from hazy to pissed off so fast again. It makes his stomach flutter and his knees weak; it makes him want to crawl over there on his hands and knees, to kneel at his feet and put Remus’ fingers in his mouth instead of his own. Sirius lives and breathes for pissing him off, only for his own satisfaction. He likes being the only one who can provoke this reaction from him and also being the only one he forgives so fast. It’s thrilling.
In the end, Remus just turns around and walks outside with Fabian by his side. It hurts Sirius more than it should.
It starts a bit of a war between them, Sirius’ actions that day in the common room. Over dinner the next day, Remus sits across from him instead of next to him, which already makes Sirius extremely on edge. And then there’s the fucking treacle tart that ruins Sirius’ chances of ever wanting to shag anyone else ever again.
Remus puts a slice of it on his plate, picks up his spoon and proceeds to eat it in the most sensual, erotic way possible. He licks his spoon clean after every bite, practically shoves it down his throat and doesn’t gag once. From an impartial point of view, it’s actually sort of impressive. Sirius, however, is busy trying not to make a sound and refuses to leave the table until almost everyone in the hall is gone; he should have worn his robes to dinner, maybe then the problem in his pants wouldn’t be so fucking obvious.
So Sirius swears revenge. It just so happens that it’s Mary’s birthday that weekend and, of course, a party is thrown. Sirius loves parties. What he loves even more than parties, is getting ready for them and then making a grand entrance. James, Peter and Remus usually just chuck on a pair of jeans and call it a day; maybe James fusses over his hair a bit in case Lily spares him a glance, but other than that, all three of them spend maybe five minutes total getting ready. That leaves Sirius with the dorm to himself, hundreds of different outfit options and no embarrassment for taking too long to fix his own hair.
He drags Mary up to his dorm and begs her to put that black shit on his eyes that she has and she obliges happily. She even paints his nails black and so when Sirius looks in the mirror, Mary behind him and looking over his shoulder, he feels very sexy.
”You look hot,” Mary says proudly. ”You’ll definitely pull a hot guy tonight.”
Sirius turns around and throws his hands up.
”How does everyone fucking know?”
Mary raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow and says, ”Oops, was I not supposed to? It’s okay, you know, no one told me, I just figured it out after you didn’t wanna fuck me. Everyone wants to fuck me.”
Sirius lets his hands fall and makes a face, agreeing.
”That’s sort of true,” he says, turning back to the mirror.
”Everyone except you and Remus, it seems. Believe me, I tried,” she says and Sirius turns again.
”What the fuck Mary! You can’t shag Remus!”
”Did you not hear what I just said? I promise I won’t fuck your boyfriend,” Mary throws up her hands innocently.
”What—He’s not—What?” Sirius stutters.
”Oh, was I not supposed to know about your raging hard on for him either?”
”Boyfriend? Really? Don’t be so crude, I just want his cock in my mouth.”
They walk down the stairs to the common room. Led Zeppelin are playing from Lily’s record player at full volume, they’re definitely arriving late, party in full swing.
And make a grand entrance he does, Mary by his side and they look fucking good. People turn to look at them; Mary because she’s the birthday girl and Sirius because, well, he’s handsome. He’s dressed in his tightest pair of black jeans, which are known for making his arse look incredible and a tight t-shirt that’s a bit cropped, showing a silver strip of skin. His eyes are lined with black, his hair down and brushing his shoulders.
He sees Remus and Peter standing by the drinks table, busy in conversation, until Peter slaps Remus’ arms and nods at him and Mary.
Sirius takes back anything he’s ever said about angry Remus being hot, because this—this is definitely much better than the narrowed eyes and pursed lips. His eyes widen and his lips part, Sirius can see him looking him up and down like he’s not sure where to set his eyes. His hand clenches the cup he’s holding, which is just hilarious. Sirius feels a familiar heat in his stomach looking at him, because even with minimal effort, Remus still manages to look better than everyone else there.
Sirius quickly looks away, throws his arm over Mary’s shoulder and kisses her temple.
”D’you know that I adore you?” he asks, smiling down at her. She makes a disgusted face.
”Ew,” she says and detangles from him. She walks to where her friends are huddled by the couches, but before she reaches them she turns and looks at him. ”I love you too!”
Sirius is well on his way to being absolutely pissed when Daniel shows up. He looks alright, a bit too proper for a Gryffindor party maybe, with a white button up shirt. Sirius tells him this.
”Oh,” he says back, tugging at his shirt anxiously. ”Should I change?”
Sirius scoffs.
”No, don’t be stupid, it’s fine,” he waves his hand around and hands Daniel his drink. ”Don’t be so insecure! Drink!”
”Er, thanks, Sirius,” he says, so Sirius just grins at him.
”I am going to change the record, go mingle! Have fun! Let loose for once!”
Despite their initial meeting, Daniel had turned out to be pretty tame. The sex isn’t necessarily bad, Sirius can admit that, but it’s just not exactly fun. Daniel doesn’t even make eye contact with him, poor guy, because he’s so nervous every time. He touches Sirius carefully, like he’s scared Sirius will break or something, which frankly, is ridiculous.
This is what he tells Marlene once he finds her by the record player, already browsing the vinyls next to it.
”You’re fucked in the head,” Marlene says.
”I need passion! I need some excitement! I need—I need, I don’t know, I don’t know, Marls. I want it to be fun, and it’s just so fucking boring,” he exclaims, hiccuping his way through the conversation.
”You need a lobotomy,” she replies, pulling a record from the pile.
”The Stooges? Really?” he asks and then he feels a hand on his back. The small of his back. Right between where his shirt ends and his trousers start. He shivers.
”Your song is on there, you don’t get to complain,” Remus says and stands next to him, hand moving up a bit.
”I Wanna Be Your Dog?” Sirius asks. ”Aw, come on—”
”I was thinking more Little Doll,” Remus leans closer and interrupts. Sirius’ breath catches. ”But that works, too.”
Marlene glances between them from where she’s lining up the needle and sends Sirius a look.
“How does it go now, something about smoking a cigarette and being pretty?” Sirius asks, looking up at him. Remus’ hand trails lower down, until it’s practically on the top of his arse. Sirius feels a smile growing on his face. “You think I’m pretty, Moony?”
“The prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, Pads,” he says. Sirius is full on grinning now, feeling very pleased.
“Prettier than carrots over there? He’s staring at you, you know,” Sirius says and looks at Fabian, who is indeed sitting on a couch and staring at them. “You should probably go back to your boyfriend, he doesn’t look too happy.”
Remus doesn’t look back at Fabian, just continues to stare at Sirius. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Oh? Could have fooled me, with the way he’s constantly hovering around you. Do you—D’you know we haven’t pulled a prank since we came back to school? We haven’t even hung out, just you and me and—and I got that new Stones album and we haven’t listened to it yet! It’s tragic!”
“I’m—I’m sorry, I didn’t think—“
“Bleh, Moony, Moonshine, Moonpie, it’s alright don’t—“ Sirius hiccups. “Don’t go all soft on me, I just miss you! So you should ditch your boyfriend and hang out with me!”
Remus laughs and shakes his head. His free hand, the one that is not still on Sirius’ back, drags over his face. He’s a bit flushed from drinking, too, his cheeks red, pupils dilated and his hair looks like he’s dragged his hands through it all night. Sirius wants him so bad.
“You’re an arse,” Remus mumbles.
“Yeah, but you still like me,” Sirius replies. He watches as Remus stills, going rigid and cold right in front of him.
“For some obscure fuckin’ reason, yeah, I do,” he says, before separating from Sirius, his hand falling and leaving Sirius cold.
“Aw, gross!” Sirius exclaims. He wants Remus’ hand back on him, back on his skin, warming him up. He wants Remus to hold him, maybe forever, just so he never has to feel cold again.
“I should—I should go say hi to Fabian,” Remus finally says. “Drink some water.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Sirius whines and turns back to where he thought Marlene was still standing, but finds no one.
Instead, he feels Remus take a step closer to him, chest flush with Sirius’ side as he leans down to whisper in Sirius’ ear with a playful pout.
“But I thought you wanted to be my dog,” he says and it’s not phrased as a question, he’s just stating it, like it’s a fact. Like he’s right. Which he is. Sirius watches him go.
When Sirius wakes up, it’s not in his own bed, but in Remus’. He’s surprisingly still clothed, but also alone. His head hurts and his stomach churns uncomfortably, but at least he doesn’t feel like he’s going to throw up. At least there’s one positive thing so far. He burrows himself deeper under the blanket, letting his face delve into the soft pillow. It smells like Remus, like his stupid
muggle aftershave and Sirius’ shampoo that he knows Remus uses in secret. He sighs deeply, ready to go back to sleep when the curtains swing open and lets all the light in.
He groans loudly, batting his hand in the general vicinity of whichever idiot thought that was an okay thing to do.
“Please, have mercy,” he says, pathetically. He pulls the blanket over his head and is enveloped by darkness. He hums, much nicer.
“Any chance I can get my bed back?”
“Absolutely not,” Sirius says.
There’s nothing, then the mattress moves and Remus shuffles into bed, on top of the blankets. Sirius rips it off his head and glares at him.
“Then we’re sharing,” Remus replies, book in hand and leaning back against the wall.
“I hope you suffer a very painful death,” Sirius says and pulls the blankets around him tighter. Remus shifts, letting him.
“Yeah, love you too.”
Silence.
“Can you close the curtains? I’m trying to sleep.”
“Absolutely not.”
Sirius groans loudly again and turns around, back facing him.
“You’re such a twat,” he grumbles and Remus chuckles. Evil. “Why am I in your bed?”
“Don’t ask me, I found you here last night. Had to sleep in yours,” Remus says. There’s a sound of pages turning, and then: “Have fun last night?”
“Shut up,” Sirius says.
“Say please.”
Sirius groans, again, because Remus is torturing him. And he’s being annoying about it.
“Please,” Sirius bites out. Blissful fucking silence follows. Sirius ends up drifting in and out of sleep, listening to Remus turn the pages of his book at odd intervals.
When he wakes up an hour later, feeling better and a little more alive, he turns around and faces Remus again. One of his legs is bent at the knee and he has his book propped upon it, the other leg stretched out in front of him. The winter sun is peeking through their windows, casting a warm light from behind Remus. It makes his hair look gold, shiny and so soft. Sirius reaches up to touch it. Remus just glances at him from the corner of his eye, letting him.
“Soft,” Sirius says.
“Hungover Sirius is nice, I think I like him,” Remus says.
“Fuck off.”
“Ah, there you are,” Remus smiles, turning back to his book. Sirius lets his hand fall down and it lands on Remus’ thigh, which twitches.
For a while, they just stay like that; Remus reading and Sirius watching him. It’s nice, he thinks. It reminds him a bit of how they used to be, before everything, before they started fighting over stupid things, before Sirius realised he wants to shag him, before he realised he loves—
”Shit.”
Okay. So Sirius might have just had an epiphany. Really bad timing, if you ask him, because now Remus is looking at him with his stupid, electrical brown eyes and his awful, beautiful lips are parting as if he’s about to ask something. Sirius panics.
He kicks the blanket off and sits up hastily, looking around for an escape. Shit. This is not good. This is definitely Not Good, capitalised. He wrenches the other curtain open and stands up from the bed, stuttering his way through putting on some trousers.
”Er—I just remembered I have to be somewhere, I think—I mean, yeah, I forgot—Have to go!”
Since when did he become so pathetic? He doesn’t think he could string together a full sentence right now, not with Remus, full of concern, getting out of his own bed to walk closer to Sirius. It makes him panic even more, and he’s pretty sure his face is beet red at this point. He quickly picks up his wand from the nightstand, steps into his boots and is out the door, leaving behind a highly confused Remus. There’s a clear difference, at least to Sirius, between wanting to shag his best mate and being in love with him. God, he almost gags at the thought. He’s not exactly sure when the two started to mix, where the line he’d so carefully drawn out in the sand was crossed.
Sirius doesn’t do love. Everyone knows that. Whilst his string of sexual escapades wasn’t quite as extensive as Remus’ or even Mary’s, he generally just prefers sex. It’s quick, fun and not so emotionally taxing. The idea of, well, something serious, no pun intended, makes him sick to his stomach. Especially with Remus. Sarcastic, kind and brilliant Remus. Remus who makes him laugh like no one else, who makes him feel safe even when he’s angry with him, who’s touch has made him warm and fuzzy since fourth year. Merlin’s saggy tits. He has to find James.
He finds him in the Great Hall munching on lunch with Peter and the girls. Apparently Sirius missed breakfast, but that’s the least of his concerns.
When he reaches James, he leans down to whisper harshly in his ear.
”Can you come with me?” he asks, alarm evident in his voice.
James looks up at him, spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth. ”Where’s Moony?”
”James,” Sirius says, pleadingly. ”I’m having a crisis. Please.”
”A Moony crisis? Has it finally clicked?”
”Sirius had the Moony realisation?” Peter asks, having overheard. Sirius looks at him sharply.
”What is that supposed to mean?” he asks.
Lily pipes up from across the table. ”Oh, did you finally figure it out?”
”What are you talking about?” he pleads to her. Marlene and Mary lean in.
”You didn’t know?” Mary asks. ”But we talked about it yesterday?”
Sirius gapes. ”I—”
”And we talked about it that day in the common room,” Marlene butts in.
”Yeah! About me wanting to shag him! Not—Not this. Not feelings.”
”Oh, love,” Lily sighs. ”You have some major issues.”
”Guys, please, stop taking the piss,” Sirius says and drags his hands over his face. It’s embarrassing, the fact that everyone so clearly knew, before him even. ”Why did no one tell me?”
”Tell you? We can’t tell you how you feel and anyway, would you have believed us if we did?” Lily asks. One nil to Lily. Sirius stomps his foot like a disciplined child, contemplates trudging out of here like one, too, until the man of the hour walks through the doors and heads right in their direction.
”Okay, okay—Everyone shut your traps, shut the fuck up, not a word,” Sirius hisses and shoves James to the side to sit between him and Peter. Everyone feigns innocence, begins picking up their previous conversations; Lily and James insult each other over their plates of food, both holding back smiles. Marlene pretends to be engaged in Mary’s monologue, but Sirius sees her steal glances at the Slytherin table. God, had he been as obvious as they are? Disgusting.
Remus halts to a stop behind Lily, eyes on Sirius.
”This is where you had to be?” Remus mutters, taking a seat in between Lily and Mary. His face has dropped. ”You could have waited for me, but alright.”
Sirius sinks lower on the bench. ”Sorry.”
”Yeah, whatever, Pads,” Remus says. Sirius watches him as he fills his plate, eyebrows drawn together and eyes dull and sort of sad. Sirius can’t do it, he can’t sit here and watch him be upset because of Sirius. James is looking between them now, nudges him softly with his knee, so Sirius looks at him.
They proceed to have a silent conversation, eyebrows raising and eyes squint, mouths pulled together. Sirius doesn’t crack. No, he won’t tell Remus, he won’t ruin seven years of perfectly amicable friendship over something as stupid and juvenile as love.
So, it’s just his luck, when he meets Daniel’s eyes over the crowd of people just as he’s standing to leave. Sirius sighs and stands up as well, all eyes on him.
”Where are you going now?” Remus asks, looking up at him. He looks behind his shoulder, to where Sirius just not so inconspicuously looked, catching sight of Daniel. He drops his fork and it clatters loudly on the plate, and then he scoffs, stands up and leaves. Sirius watches him go.
”Nice one, Sirius,” Lily mumbles, taking off after him. Sirius sits there, more confused than ever.
”What just happened?” he asks. No one says anything, just look at him with disappointed eyes.
”I think you fucked up, again,” Marlene says with a pointed look.
”When don’t I?” Sirius sighs. He follows Daniel out, anyway.
A few days later, Sirius and Remus are still tip-toeing around each other, avoiding any situations where they’d end up alone, in case of an extremely tilted conversation. Sirius has a stomach ache that hasn’t stopped. He’s hyper aware of Remus’ presence, anytime he talks or just enters a room, Sirius’ body betrays him by seizing up.
He continues sneaking away with Daniel some nights, letting the promise of a perfectly average orgasm wash away his edge. Every time it’s over, and Daniel tries to hug him and make him stay, Sirius just feels worn out. It helps, in the moment, but once he’s walking back to his own dorm and leaving a disappointed Daniel behind, he wants to hurl.
He doesn’t see Remus sneak off. He studies the map, but Remus just goes to all his regular places; the library where he studies, the last greenhouse to light up, the owlery to send off letters to his parents. Except one night, when Sirius is lying within the confines of his bed, curtains shut, and he hears a pair of footsteps and then the door opening. It’s nearing two in the morning, and he knows James has practice in the morning and Peter is the type of person who goes to bed at 8 and sleeps through everything, so it has to be Remus.
Sirius sits up when he hears the door close, shuffling out of bed and to Peter’s bedside table to get the Map. He returns to the warm cocoon of his bed, opening the map. He watches as Remus walks out of the common room, makes his way down to the seventh floor, where another name appears.
Sirius doesn’t know who Linda Haywater is, but he knows what’s about to happen when their names disappear from the map, and into the Room of Requirement.
Sirius tries to breathe, really tries to stay calm and rational, because Remus doesn’t owe him anything—even if Sirius had told him about these feelings he has for him, Remus still wouldn’t have owed him anything. But still, Sirius’ stomach churns, so he leaves his bed and sprints to the bathroom, heaving up in the toilet. Nothing really comes out, he’s just gagging on air, but then the light turns on and he feels a hand on his back and someone holding his hair back.
”Pads, you’re okay,” James whispers, stroking his back. ”It’s okay, you’re okay.”
For the first time since he left Grimmauld, he cries. James is there for all of it, holding his hair and telling him he’s okay, even when Sirius turns around and cries silently on his shoulder.
”What the fuck is wrong with me?” Sirius asks, breath hitching. ”I didn’t—I never cared who he slept with before, I don’t—I don’t understand. This is awful. Really, undeniably the worst thing to ever happen to me.”
”I think you getting tortured by your parents might beat it,” James says.
”Nuh uh, this is worse,” Sirius says stubbornly, but he’s smiling. James chuckles.
”You know, love is—”
”Ugh, please don’t say that word, it’s horrific. Utterly vile. Completely humiliating,” Sirius groans, patting James’ chest so he can back up and lean against the wall beside the loo. James shuffles back, until he’s leaning against the cupboards under the sink.
”Your parents really did a number on you if you can’t even say the word,” James mutters, kicking Sirius’ foot with his own. Sirius lets that hang in the room for a few seconds.
“Yeah, they did, didn’t they?” Sirius says and lets his head fall back. It thuds painfully against the wall, but he doesn’t even wince.
“You never say it, you know?” James says. He’s twiddling his thumbs in his lap, like he’s nervous. “I know you do, love me, love us, I mean—but you never say it. I think I can count on one hand how many times you’ve told me, and I’m practically your brother.”
Sirius swallows uncomfortably, looking up at the ceiling of their tiny bathroom. The light is painfully bright, so he looks at James, who looks back at him. He’s right. Sirius does have a hard time with it. He’s always been someone who shows rather than tells, he doesn’t really believe that words carry as much meaning as people tell him they do—if they did, he would be everything his parents told him he was. He would have died in that house, and not by the hands of his family. Words don’t mean anything because people lie. Who’s to say if they’re telling the truth? Regulus never told Sirius he loved him, but Sirius knew by the way he would sneak him food and water when their parents used to punish him. James tells him he loves him, but Sirius doesn’t believe it because he says it, but because James is here now. James ran to the bathroom after him, stroked his back and lifted his hair away from his face.
Remus is an enigma, as cliche as it sounds. Sirius loves him, he loves him so much it feels like his world starts and ends with Remus. Just like there’s no Sirius without James, there’s no Sirius without Remus, but in a completely different way.
Sirius without James is much like missing a limb. Phantom pain, and all that. If Sirius is one lung, James is the other, and if James is right, Sirius is left, and so on. All good things come in pairs, they say, and they’re the living embodiment of that saying.
Sirius without Remus is a bit different, as in not so obvious. They don’t come as a pair, but sometimes Sirius feels like they’re made of the same debris. Like Remus was taken from his rib, or maybe Sirius from his.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius says. He doesn’t say anything else.
James just shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Sirius drifts in and out of sleep that night, trying to listen for Remus’ footsteps, but they don’t come until everyone is already awake. James is gone for practice and Peter’s getting ready to head down to breakfast before class. Sirius sits on the edge of his bed, bare legs crossed underneath him as he thinks of joining him, but the thought of food just makes him nauseous.
The door opens right before eight, and Remus steps inside just as Peter has put on his shoes. Sirius knows where this is about to go, but he doesn’t get up to follow him, just sits there and stares at Remus. He looks so beautiful, all olive skin and scars and narrow dark eyes. His golden brown hair is messy, slept in or shagged in, Sirius doesn’t want to know. But he still looks, watches as Remus heads to the bathroom to shower. He still doesn’t move. Peter leaves and then Sirius is left alone with the sound of the shower and the heavy wind outside filling the room.
When Remus walks out of the bathroom ten minutes later, Sirius is in the same spot. He follows Remus with his gaze; he had the decency to put on a pair of pyjama pants after his shower, but his chest is bare, white scars contrasting his skin, lithe muscles on show.
“Have fun with Linda?” he asks when Remus makes his way to his trunk. He glances sharply at Sirius as he digs out his uniform. Shit, he just revealed he’d practically stalked him on the Map.
“Yeah, sure,” is all Remus says, sounding strained. A few moments pass of Sirius just staring at Remus shrugging on his shirt, just getting ready for the day, and he’s suddenly hit by a feeling of something warm, right in the middle of his chest. His breath hitches and he clutches at his chest, hand fisting his shirt. Breathing is hard, he realises, it’s very hard right now. Oh Merlin, this is how he dies, he thinks, from watching Remus being Remus and hearing his voice, deep and sultry, but sweet like confection.
Remus suddenly stands up, face full of concern.
“Sirius?” he asks, coming to a stop in front of him. Sirius breathes in and out, slowly, trying to feel the oxygen filling up his lungs and leaving them again.
“Sirius?” he hears again, faintly. This is embarrassing, he thinks, at the back of his head, but right now his chest hurts and he can’t breathe so he stands up hastily, goes to open the window and sticks his head out of it.
He doesn’t realise he’s trembling until Remus takes a hold of his wrists that are clutching the windowsill, wrapping himself around Sirius and pressing himself against his back.
“Hey, copy my breathing, alright?” Remus says softly. Sirius can feel his chest moving on his back, so he clutches at his own again, Remus’ hands following. The soft pressure, a known presence, helps him. He copies, following the movement of Remus’ chest behind him. Faintly, he can feel the beats of his heart thumping against his back, and his own, slowly steadying.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius says.
“Don’t apologise,” Remus replies. They stand for a while, Remus still presses up against Sirius.
“I—“ Sirius starts.
“If you’re about to apologise again, I’ll throw you out this window,” Remus interrupts, but there’s no heat, and Sirius can hear his smile. He smiles too.
“Sor—“
“Padfoot,” Remus warns and Sirius breaks into laughter.
”Alright, I’m fine. The fit is over,” Sirius says, pushing back against Remus so he can turn around. Remus slowly lets him go, backs up, but only a step or two. They’re awfully close like this, with Remus looking down at Sirius and Sirius looking up. Sirius almost stops breathing again.
”What happened?” Remus asks.
Sirius doesn’t have an answer. At least not one acceptable to say out loud. He’s not sure how Remus would react if Sirius voiced that he just had a fit because of him. Because Remus was with someone, spent the night with her and showed up looking so good that Sirius couldn’t even breathe.
”It’s nothing to worry your pretty head about, Moons, I’m fine,” Sirius says, stepping around him to start getting ready himself. He strips off his sleeping shirt to put on his uniform, buttons his shirt and leaves his tie a bit loose around his neck. He looks back at Remus.
”What?” he asks when he finds him staring.
”You just—you look good, that’s all,” Remus says, looking away. Sirius stares as he struggles with his own tie, hands unstable and shifty eyes, like he’s scared to ask for help. So Sirius pads over, slaps away his hands like always, and ties it for him.
”Jesus Christ,” Remus mumbles under his breath. Sirius looks up at him without letting his hands pause. Cross, underneath, repeat, through the loop, tighten.
Sirius hums in question.
”Nothing,” Remus says, and his breath fans Sirius’ face, smelling like toothpaste. His aftershave smells good, too, Sirius thinks. ”You’re just—”
Sirius waits, but Remus doesn’t say anything else, just looks back at him. When Sirius finishes with his tie, he doesn’t move.
”Tell me,” he says.
Remus’ pupils dilate slightly, and then Sirius sees his eyes glance down, scanning Sirius’ body. It makes him nervous and excited all at once, to see Remus look at him this way. He shuffles awkwardly on the spot, hands behind his back, posture straight and head casted down, not being able to look Remus in the eyes anymore.
”You’re beautiful,” Remus says.
”Don’t say shit like that,” Sirius answers, looking sideways. It’s so stupid, he knows, he should’ve just thanked him or made a sarcastic kip and then made his escape, so the conversation could be over. But he knows they’re threading deep waters here; it’s not the usual shallow water, where both of them can still feel the ground, where the streams can’t take them away. This is new, it’s scary, and Sirius can’t help himself. He craves it.
”You’re beautiful,” Remus says again, and Sirius scoffs.
”Remus, stop,” Sirius says, and backs up a step. Remus follows.
”Do you really want me to?” Remus asks.
The answer is no, it's so obviously and painfully no, but Sirius doesn’t know what it means. He doesn’t know where Remus wants this to head, if he just wants to shag him or if Sirius means as much to him as Remus means to Sirius. It’s hair-raising, toe-curling and intimidating, the way Remus looks at him, the way he’s holding himself, standing tall and compelling.
”I don’t know what—what you want,” Sirius says and steps backwards, Remus following him step for step. ”Please, don’t.”
Remus stops, pausing and letting Sirius back away a few steps until his back hits his four-poster. ”What I want?”
Sirius swallows, heart in his throat and dick hard in his pants. He prays to Merlin that Remus doesn’t look down, because that’d just be absolutely humiliating for both of them. A few minutes ago he couldn’t breathe, and now he’s popped a stiffy. It’s ridiculous.
”You’re confusing, you know,” Sirius says. Remus cocks his head.
”So are you,” he replies.
Sirius stands there, hands gripping the pole on his bed that he’s leaning back against, crosses his socked ankles and bites his lip. Fuck it.
”Come here,” he says.
Remus’ lips quirk slightly and he takes a step forward, then another until he’s almost nose to nose with Sirius. Except it’s more like chest to nose because Sirius refuses to look up, doesn’t budge, because it’s Remus’ turn in the nice little game they’re playing now.
”Look at me,” Remus says. Sirius inhales shakily, feeling like his whole body is entirely flushed, dick twitching in his pants. He looks up, but doesn’t look him in the eyes, instead focusing on the scar that starts below his right cheekbone and recedes under his jaw, continuing down his neck only to disappear under his shirt. Sirius knows it stops right above his collarbone.
”Sirius, look at me,” he says again. Sirius can see from the corner of his eye that he’s lifting a hand, but he’s not scared, he doesn’t think he’s going to be physical, and he’s right, because he feels the hand threading through his hair. Soft. Gentle. He finally looks Remus in the eyes.
”Thank you,” Remus smiles, his hand detangling Sirius’ hair, and he does it again, and then he fists his hand at the roots and pulls slightly. It’s not painful, just a nice pressure, and Sirius sighs. ”What do you think I want?”
Sirius shrugs, but the hand in his hair tightens, and shit, he almost fucking moans, so instead of that he starts talking.
”I don’t know,” he says, letting his tongue brush his bottom lip as his lips part. ”I—Do you want to fuck me?”
Remus smiles. ”Yeah, I do.”
”Okay,” Sirius says and looks away. ”I can’t let you.”
”Why not?”
Siris hesitates. The hand in his hair loosens and he whines quietly, at the back of his throat. Remus tightens it again, harder this time, and tilts Sirius’ head back so he can look Remus in the eyes again. Everything, all of it, it’s so much. They’re so close, and Remus looks so wonderful and Sirius simply can’t do it anymore.
”Because—” Sirius starts, looking up at him pleadingly. ”Because I—you know. You know what I’m trying to say, please don’t make me say it.”
Remus smiles again, and then he just leans forward and pauses right before Sirius’ face. They breathe each other in, lips so close they’re almost touching and Sirius’ knees so weak they almost fold. He grabs a hold of Remus forearm, the one currently extended and pulling at his hair. His other hand comes to rest on Remus’ shoulder.
”Tell me no,” Remus says, and it’s like he knows Sirius won't, because not even two seconds pass before he leans in and kisses him, slowly, patiently. He smells so good, and he tastes like mint and his other hand snakes its way around Sirius’ waist and stops in the middle of his back, pulling him closer. But he doesn’t part his lips, just waits for Sirius to make the next move. He seems perfectly content just doing this, too, Sirius thinks, kissing just to kiss, not to go any further, and it tugs at something in Sirius’ chest. Something warm and safe and wonderful, something so delicate and pure that Sirius wants to bathe in it.
When they part, it’s at the same time. Remus looks at him, eyes full of hope and something certain, and Sirius smiles at him.
”Say it,” he pleads and Sirius puts a hand on his cheek.
”I love you.”
”Fuck—yes, yeah, I love you too, so fucking much, Padfoot,” he says and drops his head to rest on Sirius’ shoulder. It’s a bit awkward, and probably very uncomfortable for him, but he stays there anyway. Sirius strokes the back of his head, pulls him closer to just hug. He breathes him in, buries his face in the crook of his neck, noses behind his ear and his temple and his hair, kisses all those spots, too. Remus does the same, both arms now around Sirius, hands spread out against his back, broad and warm, pulling him even closer.
”You’re hard,” Remus says, when Sirius' hips are flush against his thigh. Sirius snorts unattractively, sneaking down his hand to grope Remus through his trousers.
”So are you,” Sirius teases. Remus staggers forward, pushing Sirius against the bed poster.
”Shit, you can’t just—do that,” Remus groans. He pulls his head up, leans down and presses a quick kiss to Sirius’ lips. Ugh, they’re already so domestic. It’s lovely, Sirius thinks.
”No? How about this, then?” Sirius says and slides down to the floor, down on his knees. Remus looks down at him, mouth gaping and fists clenched on his sides.
”Fucking hell,” he bites out. Sirius moves, starts by moving his hands up Remus’ thighs until he reaches his hips. ”We’re gonna miss breakfast.”
Sirius clinks his belt open, unbuttons the trousers and slides down the zipper torturously slowly. Remus exhales loudly.
“I’m not,” Sirius smirks, looking up at him through his lashes.
“You’re—“ Remus starts, hands coming to frame Sirius’ face. “You’re beautiful, Sirius.”
This time, Sirius just smiles wide, presses a kiss to his wrist and then his palm, the length of his heavenly fucking fingers, long and scarred and beautiful, too. He stops for a second, takes a hold of Remus’ wrist, moves his hand so it’s in front of Sirius’ face, and then takes his thumb in his mouth and sucks.
Remus swears under his breath, and when Sirius simply opens his mouth, letting his thumb rest on his tongue, Remus hooks it behind Sirius’ bottom teeth and pulls his mouth open further. His other hand comes up, lingering in front of Sirius’ face. Sirius leans forward slightly, taking two of his fingers into his mouth. And then—
”I didn’t fuck her,” Remus blurts out, sinking to one knee in front of him. Sirius pauses, pulls his head back and lets Remus’ fingers fall out of his mouth.
”Sorry?” Sirius says. ”Wh—”
”I just needed you to know, like, before we go further. I didn’t sleep with Linda yesterday, I mean that was the plan but I couldn’t—we just, I don’t know, we kissed and then she wanted to but—I told her I couldn’t. I haven’t shagged anyone in weeks.”
”Oh.”
And then Sirius is surging forward to kiss him, opens his mouth and feels Remus do the same. There’s a hand on Sirius’ face and another one pulling him closer and closer until Remus practically topples over and falls onto his arse, so Sirius just has to pull away to laugh at him. Remus laughs with him though, kissing him through breathy chuckles and teeth and it's wonderful. Sirius crawls closer to him, settles a knee on each side of his hip, hands on his neck—the world could collapse beneath them, and he doesn’t think he’d care or even notice, because the way Remus’ lips move against his is heavenly, rough and so soft at the same time.
Remus slides his hands up the back of his shirt and Sirius almost comes in his fucking pants. He shivers, and Remus smiles into the kiss again. Sirius kisses him harder, trying everything to pull off their shirts without separating their lips.
”Slow down,” Remus says. ”Come on, bed.”
Sirius stands up, with only a bit of struggle, hopping on his own bed with a bounce. He wriggles out of his pants quickly, pulling off his tie and shirt just as Remus stands up and puts a knee on the bed. He looks down at Sirius with a smile, crawling over him to settle back on his knees in between Sirius’ legs.
”I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this excited,” Remus says and strokes light fingers along Sirius’ thighs. It makes him shiver, makes him even more hard than he already is. Something about Remus still being completely clothed and Sirius practically squirming naked under him makes him want to cry; it’s vulnerable but also so fucking hot. He can’t really decide if he wants to cry or laugh, so he pushes his emotions aside.
”Well, I’m about to fuck you, so can you really blame me?” Sirius asks, wiggling his eyebrows. It makes Remus snort.
”We can do it that way, if you want,” Remus says, settling a hand by Sirius’ shoulder and leaning down to give him a soft kiss. Sirius, who’s really impatient even when not turned on, as Remus should know, drags him down to deepen the kiss. Remus topples over slightly, chuckles again, and leans on his elbow.
”Next time, right now I just really—” Sirius kisses him again, distracted by Remus’ face so close to his. ”Really need you to fuck me, please.”
Remus just hums, mouth pressing kisses to Sirius’ cheek and jaw, down his throat, and he feels like his heart might actually burst out of his chest.
”All in good time,” Remus says, one hand on Sirius’ hip. And then he sits up again, drags his tie and shirt over his head, too, and Sirius almost fucking loses it.
”Fucking hell, really?” He whines, hands coming up to touch him. ”It’s like you’re in a fucking porn magazine. It’s ridiculous.”
Remus throws his head back and laughs, and all Sirius can do is stare at his throat. There’s a bit of scruff along his jaw, on his chin, and the scar that disappears below his jawline on the left side, continuing down to his collarbone, is on full display. There are other scars, of course, like the one on his chest that narrowly misses his nipple. Sirius wants to lick it. And then there’s one that Sirius has never seen, a thick white line that starts below his navel and crosses down to his hip bone, ending somewhere beneath his trousers.
Remus has never been brawny, but he’s always been strong, Sirius remembers. Now though, there’s an expanse of hidden muscles in his arms and shoulders. God, his shoulders, broad and solid—it’s absurd.
”Have you been working out, still?” Sirius asks, but it just sends Remus into more laughter, not that Sirius is complaining. His smile is wide, showing the little dimple in one of his cheeks, and a thin scar that you can’t usually see, cutting through his top lip.
”Please, stop,” Remus laughs. ”Can you—just, hands to yourself, c’mon.”
He pushes Sirius’ hands away from his chest, takes a hold of both his wrists in one of his hands, which, holy fuck. Okay, Sirius can work with that. As Remus presses his wrists above his head, leaning forward again, Sirius pushes his hips up, and they both gasp.
”Pads,” Remus whispers, and it’s breathy and so fucking hot that Sirius does it again. ”Okay, okay. Patience.”
Sirius grins, keeping his wrists above his head obediently as Remus moves to sit on the edge of the bed to pull his trousers off, much more gracefully than Sirius did. Remus glances back and smirks at him.
”Never knew you could do what you’re told,” he says, and Sirius glares at him, crossing his arms across his chest instead. ”Ah, got it. Never point it out or you pout.”
”I don’t pout!”
Remus sends him a look, and okay, yeah, maybe he’s right.
”I don’t,” Sirius insists.
”You’re doing it right now,” Remus says, coming to lean over him. Sirius turns his head, so the kiss Remus gives him lands on his cheek, but Remus takes it in stride and continues kissing down his neck again. Sirius’ hands come up to tangle in his hair, and he exhales happily as the kisses trail further down.
”I wasn’t,” Sirius says shakily, slinging a leg over Remus’ waist. He presses down, and their hips come flush against each other. Sirius feels his breath on his chest, lips leaving sloppy and wet kisses down his sternum, and then a pause. He looks down, finding Remus’ eyes on him, and raises a confused eyebrow, signifying to get on with it.
”Yes, yes, your majesty,” Remus mumbles, grinning, and licks Sirius’ nipple before letting his teeth scratch over it. His whole body tingles, and he tugs on Remus’ hair, hard.
”You’re so irritating,” Sirius says. Remus hums. ”Really obnoxious. Aggravating, if I say so myself.”
”Thanks,” Remus says, mouth now hovering above Sirius’ stomach. He presses a kiss above his navel, then beneath it.
”Wasn’t a compliment,” Sirius breathes, swallowing nervously.
”You should be careful what you say to a man who's about to suck you off,” he says, and Sirius slaps his shoulder playfully. ”Might bite you.”
And then Sirius feels teeth on his hip bone, scratching and making him leak in his pants. Remus’ hands are big, broad palms and long fingers, Sirius notices again when one of them palms him through his underwear. He swears, stuttering through it, which is embarrassing, but Remus doesn’t seem to mind. If anything, it spurs him on, palm pressing down harder, moving torturously slow.
Sirius’ brain stops working here. Everything Remus does leaves him blushing and more hard than he’s ever been in his entire life. When Remus tugs down his pants, kissing up Sirius’ thigh once they’re off, Sirius whines. Even more embarrassing.
”Remus,” he bites out. ”Get the fuck on with it, or I swear to Merlin I’ll jinx your fucking cock o—”
Remus’ hand is wrapped around him, enveloping his dick, stroking slowly but surely and Sirius’ threats are cut short.
”What did you say?” Remus hums, low in his throat. It’s so damn erotic, the sight of him, holding himself up on an elbow by Sirius’s waist. All of a sudden, Sirius watches as he shifts, letting his knees take most of his weight as his palm comes to rest next to Sirius’ head.
Sirius leans up to kiss him, but Remus doesn’t let him, instead hovering just a few inches away. ”What? Did you want something?”
”I hate you so much,” Sirius mutters.
”No, you don’t,” Remus says and then they’re kissing and Remus’ hand speeds up, leaving Sirius struggling to breathe and Merlin, it’s the best thing he’s ever felt. Scratch everything else on the list, because Remus, his Remus, above him and touching him in the most sensual way possible; it beats everything in the world.
”Did you—Did you know, oh shit, that I—I love you?” Sirius asks. ”Please don’t stop.”
”Did you know that I love you?” Remus says, and then he stops. ”Before you pout again, I’m getting to it, one second.”
And then his face is between Sirius’ hips, and his mouth is on his dick and fuck, shit, motherfucking love of Merlin—
Remus lifts his head, ”Language, Sirius, c’mon.”
And then he goes back to giving Sirius the best blowjob of his entire life. Sirius hates love, but most of all he loves Remus.