Chapter Text
Coming back into the world after V-Day was the glory after a battle. For one, Eggsy helped save the world from complete destruction. Roxy managed to take down a satellite despite having a fear of heights, and he had never felt more proud of being her best mate. Dean and his goons were locked up, and they wouldn’t be out for a long time.
Eggsy got a good, proper home in a safe neighborhood. His mum and Daisy were going to be safe, finally safe. There was enough room for JB to run in the backyard, Daisy had all the toys she ever wanted, and nothing cheered up Eggsy more than seeing the spark of life in his mum’s eyes, the same spark that he remembered seeing when his father was still around. She was happier, livelier, more alive.
But the victory was short lived.
The world was a mess. Harry was dead. The mission in Valentine's bunker was all so fast,, leaving the massacre at the church in the very back, deep ends of Eggsy’s mind. More chaos began happening as a result of Valentine plans. More missions around the world, more bad guys to take down, more chaos.
The same could be said for the Kingsman organization itself. What with the head of the organization outed as a traitor, more traitors followed; interns, trainers, agents. Luckily, no more knights were revealed to be traitors.
Other intelligence agencies in the same line of work as the Kingsman sent aid to assist in missions.
Eggsy inherited Harry's codename of Galahad. It was something that Merlin said that he would be proud of. But even when he heard it being said, he half expected to see Harry standing there, like he had never been shot. Like he was always there.
The funeral service was closed coffin. Eggsy preferred it that way, wanting to remember how Harry was before he got shot. It was painful already to be going to the funeral for his mentor. It could get worse if he had to see him in the state that he died. He was more than a mentor. More than just that.
The moments before he was set to go, he stayed for a good hour trying to muster up his wits and crying. Harry, his Harry, was dead, Harry was dead. He was going to his mentor’s funeral, a thought he never thought would become a reality.
Especially now.
The funeral was a silent, rainy affair. Many other agents were there, some that Eggsy knew, others that he had never met. From what Eggsy knew, Harry had no family left. The funeral was delayed due to the mess the world was in.
It had only been two months since V-Day.
He wore his black suit, the one that he wore to recon missions, when stealth was a key tool in success. Roxy wore a long black dress and a dark coat.
Harry was buried with a British flag on his coffin. Eggsy cried, he’ll admit it. Everyone did cry.
But Eggsy? He cried. He wept. He kept his handkerchief to his face and tried to not make much noise.
Roxy interlocked her gloved fingers with his and pulled him in for an embrace.
Eggsy wept softly.
He was glad that he could hold it together, relatively. That the crying didn't increment or get worse, at least publicly. It was more painful behind closed doors.
That had been before.
He took a short breath.
"Hey," he said to the grave. "It's me again."
"I got some white ones this time," he gestured.
"I miss you," Eggsy breathed. His heart swelled, bitter shaking hands with the roses.
The cemetery was empty, except for him. He took the metro instead of a cab, not thinking about using the shuttle. His hands shook while holding the roses.
"God, I miss you so much," he whispered again.
The screams of frustration melted into shaking, body wrenching sobs. His bloody hands, from his blood, from Harry's blood, from the blood of the people in the church. He was the one pulling the trigger. He was the one who got away with the struggle of living. He wished Harry was alive.
Some of the nightmares got so bad that he would wake up, crying into his hands. Always a mess, taking a moment to recompose himself. , sweating, hoping that Harry was alive. That the dreams were just that: dreams. Not memories of what he had seen on the screen at the church. Not his own wrecked sobs. He wished, yearned, for the reality to wake up and see that Harry was alive, and that all of this pain and suffering was gone.
But instead, he woke up to a worried JB trying to nuzzle him, and he'd hold his dog for the rest of the night. It was a terrifying thing to go through.
Eggsy mourned.
Some days, he dreamed that he was the one behind the trigger instead of Valentine. Haunted by his past, the mess he and the other Kingsman had to clean up. How millions of people died. The footage of what happened with the church. How utterly helpless he felt while watching Valentine shoot Harry. The sobbing, the shaking, the shock that Harry was gone. How he was never coming back. How disappointed he was in Eggsy failing that goddamn test.
Time and time again, he would wake up in cold sweat, sometimes tears running down his cheeks. And more than often, to have JB whining and trying to nuzzle him. He would hold him for the rest of the night, however long it took for him to get more sleep.
If he even slept at all.
He tried his best to keep a level head while working. Missions could never afford distractions, especially now with the world being a huge fucked up mess. There was too much risk involved.
Eggsy kept himself busy to do anything about his grief, and he saw that as a good thing. Not exactly good, but as something that was distracting. Less time to focus on it, more things to do. Missions upon missions each week, always asking for more. Not in trying to prove himself, but in order to get some distraction.
It had been working until Merlin called him into his office.
“Are you sure you don’t want to take a break?” Merlin hesitated.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Eggsy asked.
“You’ve been working nonstop for the past three weeks,” Merlin said. “What is this all about?”
“It’s nothin’,” Eggsy said. He tried not to sound defensive, or even aggressive. It was about to be three months after V-Day and he was still getting there. “I’m doing my job, alright?”
“There is a difference between doing your job and overworking yourself.”
“Well, the world's a mess, we’ve to clean it up,” Eggsy retorted. “Isn’t that what you said?”
Merlin was getting frustrated now,
"Galahad."
"I'll take a mission, then. What about that drug ring in Paris?"
"Galahad."
"Smugglers in Portugal?"
"Galahad."
"Merlin, just give me a mission."
Without warning, Merlin slammed his hands on the desk. "For fuck's sake, Eggsy!" he snapped. "Listen to what I'm saying!"
Eggsy jumped, startled. He didn't take yelling too well. He stopped abruptly and felt at a loss of words. What was he supposed to say? It wasn't often that Merlin snapped.
Merlin saw his change of expression and sighed. He rubbed at his temples. "I'm sorry, lad. Please...talk to me," he said, gentler this time. “What is going on?" he asked, weary. He looked older than what he was, exhausted.
It was things like this that weighed down on his shoulders. Eggsy knew that his job, as fun as it was, it was also dangerous. That people have died doing it, to protect for the greater good.
"Nothin'," Eggsy shrugged, trying to be convincing about it. But he knew he couldn’t; this was Merlin he was talking to. The man was a veteran Kingsman agent, a fucking genius with computers, head of intel and above all? A master spy.
It was no surprise that he would easily look through Eggsy’s lie.
Merlin leaned forward in his chair. "This isn’t a test to prove yourself. You are worthy of being a Kingsman, of being a knight. If it isn’t that, then what is it?”
Eggsy couldn't answer.
His throat felt tight. He looked down at the tiny medal he wore every day under his shirt.
"Oh Eggsy," Merlin sighed again, that exasperated sigh he always got when an intern got nervous. Not of frustration, but of exhaustion. He reached across the desk and placed his hand on Eggsy's wrist. "I miss him too."
Harry.
The absence had felt so real. No one entered his office. It was still locked shut. Somehow, no one had the heart to move his things out. Remained locked, like he would come back anytime now. No one mentioned it.
"You know, Kingsman has some of the best therapists available," Merlin said.
Eggsy was thankful for Merlin's perception. He knew he needed the help to overcome a loss. He didn’t have enough bravery to say it out loud, especially to himself.
"Some days are bad," Eggsy confessed, trying to keep his voice even. "Others are manageable."
Today was one of the awful ones.
"Eggsy, it's a hard thing to go through. Loss is something that takes time to overcome. You don't have to do this alone. I can set up an appointment for next Tuesday. Is that good?"
"Yeah, sounds good."
A beat passed before anything else was said.
"I just want Harry back," Eggsy said softly.
"Me too."