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Sokka wasn’t expecting to be woken up in the middle of the night. Ever since he, Zuko, and Toph had moved in together in their own little apartment a few months ago, Sokka has been getting the best, uninterrupted sleep. Growing up, he lived in a two bedroom house with his dad, sister, gran gran, and later Bato. There was always noise in the house, even when it was midnight and everyone was asleep. No matter how often his dad denies it, he fucking snores. If the snoring doesn’t wake him up in a fit of rage at three in the morning, it's his gran grans midnight munchie run in the kitchen, or Katara’s little sniffly nose whistles. When he left for college, he lived in the dorms for the first two years, which on its own led to unrestful sleep. But on top of that, he lived with an absolute dickwad of a roommate his first year of college. A wannabe bad boy named Jet who constantly came back to the room late and never even attempted to be respectful or quiet. Even during his sophomore year when he roomed with Aang, rest never came too easy to him. Aang was hyperactive even in his sleep and the constant rustling of his sheets as he twists and turned all night kept Sokka up often.
So having a room all to himself in a spacious three bedroom apartment is so nice. He’s gotten used to it, so used to it, in fact, that he almost pisses himself when he hears his door creak open and the shuffle of someone's feet.
“Whaa-huh?” Sokka mumbles/grunts, his eyes blinking open to see a shadow of a person beside his bed.
“Sokka?”
Oh it’s Zuko. Sokka relaxes slightly, and thinks that this must be what his mom felt like when he used to stumble into his parents room after a nightmare. Zuko is giving i frew up energy right now.
Sokka grumbles a little more and sits up in bed, he flips on the little lamp beside his bed and looks over at Zuko confused. “Is everything okay?”
Zuko is biting his lip and tugging on the end of his sleep shirt. Sokka has known Zuko since their obligatory first year writing seminar class, so he knows when Zuko is anxious, depressed, and generally not doing well™.
“Well uh…” Zuko fiddles with his shirt some more.
Something must really be bothering Zuko if he has woken Sokka up in the middle of the night. “Zuks, come sit down, you're making me nervous.”
Zuko nods and sits on the edge of the bed, facing the door like he might make a run for it at any moment.
“What’s bothering you, bud?” Sokka pushes gently. He and Zuko have always had an interesting friendship. Most people see the teasing, and pushing around, and bitching, but with that kind of friendship comes some kind of honesty, so when no one else is around they open up to each other really well.
“You told me to come to you if…” Zuko cuts himself off. There is a flush to his cheeks, like he is embarrassed or he was crying. Sokka can’t tell which one, maybe it was both.
He tries to think of some recent conversations he had with Zuko that could give him some hints as to where Zuko is going with this, but his sleep riddled brain is drawing blanks, “Sorry, man, you’re going to have to help me out here.”
Zuko takes a deep breath, “you told me to come to you if i- if i felt like hurting myself again.”
He says the last part as a mumble, and with the blood rushing to Sokka’s ears he almost doesn’t hear it. He and Zuko have had many a deep, dark, depressing talks. He remembers them all clearly, so it doesn’t take long for Sokka to recall the exact moment he told Zuko to come to him.
It was a little less than a year ago. Zuko had come to Canada with Sokka for the first time for spring break and Sokka thought it might be fun to go winter bathing.
“You do this… naked?” Zuko squeaks out as Sokka begins taking off his clothes.
“Well, traditionally yes. It brings you closer to the ocean and what not. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Sokka assures. He keeps his boxers, assessing the situation with Zuko before he decides to go all out.
Zuko is contemplative for a second before nodding to himself. He puts on what Sokka calls his Zuko face, the face he makes when he is forcing his mind to go blank to avoid feeling things. Sokka almost calls it off right there, but Zuko begins taking his clothes off, so Sokka just goes with it.
“It’s going to be really cold,” Sokka is stating the obvious, but he feels the need to warn Zuko anything. “Most people do a quick dip in then out, then we'll run to the sauna. My dad does it a couple of times every morning, but we can start you slow okay?”
Zuko is down to his final article of clothing, his boxers. Sokka is a little ashamed to say that he watched Zuko slip them off and it’s like he blacks out a little. There were scars all across Zuko's upper thighs, his hips, even across the lower part of his abdomen and waist. Too many for it to be an accident, so horizontal and organized that it couldn’t be anything other than intentional.
Sokka opens his mouth to say something, but thankfully Zuko is running into the water with a scream before words can even form in his brain. Sokka cards the subject away for another time.
Zuko ended up really enjoying winter bathing. It made him feel energized and rejuvenated, and the sauna was relaxing after. They were giggling their whole naked run to the sauna. Thankfully, Sokka’s step-dad Bato installed a sauna extending off of their house, only a couple thousand feet away from the bay, so the sauna isn’t too far away. Plus they live in a rural area, surrounded by woods, so no one was bound to see them anyway, especially with everyone away for the weekly grocery haul.
They don’t talk about it until later that night. Sokka is laying on his twin sized childhood bed, and Zuko is sleeping on Kataras. Katara decided to sleep with gran gran on the bed that was set up in the dining room for spring break so that Zuko had a comfortable place to sleep.
“You aren’t going to ask me about it?” Zuko asks quietly, clearly insecure.
“About what?” Sokka knew what. He just didn’t want to push a conversation that he didn’t know if Zuko actually wanted to have. If he wants to talk about it, he has to initiate.
Zuko sits in contemplative silence for a second before speaking up, “I know you saw my scars.”
“How do you know I wasn’t comparing dick sizes?” Sokka jokes.
It breaks the tension a little bit, and Zuko snorts. “I’m mostly over that point in my life.”
Zuko says it as if it is supposed to make up for the fact that there was a point in his life that he felt the need to hurt himself to begin with, let alone the almost added in there.
“Almost?” Sokka asks. Now that Zuko has initiated, he clearly doesn’t mind pushing buttons.
“I haven't done it in a couple of months.”
Sokka's breath catches. Knowing that Zuko had hurt himself at some point during the year and half that they’ve known each other, that he could have been there to just help Zuko if he had reached out, it hurts Sokka.
Zuko goes on to explain that he has done it since he was young, twelve years old. Sokka knows enough about Zukos fucked up childhood to know not to ask why.
“Up until the last year or so I just kind of had the mentality that I wasn’t hurting anyone by doing this, so why stop,” Zuko takes a deep breath before continuing, “but then it just hit me one day how disappointed the people around me would be if they found out. I could imagine the face that uncle would make. How upset you would be. So I’ve been trying to stop.”
Something like that must be hard to give up, especially after so long so Sokka says, “well if you ever feel that way again, just come to me. We'll talk, or watch youtube, or do whatever.”
Sokka realizes he was silent for too long, and Zuko makes the move to stand up and leave. Sokka quickly grabs onto the hem of Zuko's shirt and drags him back onto the bed. He shuffles up the bed further and encourages Zuko to shuffle with him until they are both laying underneath the covers with their backs against the headboard.
“So are you safe? You didn’t actually hurt yourself, did you?” Sokka asks. He knows that Zuko probably came in here for a distraction and doesn’t want to actually talk, talk, but Sokka just needs to make sure first.
“Yes, I’m safe. I didn’t do anything.” Zuko confirms, his eyes are focused on his hands in his lap and he is refusing to make eye contact with Sokka, but he trusts him anyways.
“And the, uh, supplies? Do you have razors stashed away somewhere that we need to get rid of?”
Zuko bites his lip, almost like he isn’t willing to give up his weapon of choice, “I took the bit to that x-acto knife that we used for the window cling… it’s in my room.”
“Okay well, I’m going to go to your room to throw that out. You stay here, okay?”
Zuko just nods and watches as Sokka slips out from under the covers and quietly stumbles to Zuko's room across the hall. Sokka spots it easily, it's there on his dresser next to a damp paper towel and some bandages. Sokka’s heart clinches at the sight, and he grabs it all and throws it all in the trash can. He feels sick knowing how close Zuko was to breaking his clean streak tonight.
Sokka covers up the paraphernalia with some other trash, not that he thinks that Zuko will go digging through the trash can for it, just to prevent the two of them from seeing it again. He makes his way back to his room quickly, not wanting to leave Zuko alone.
“So, do you want to talk about this, or do you want to watch something on youtube?” Sokka asks Zuko, who is now laying down on Sokka's bed with his eyes closed but clearly not sleeping.
“Youtube?”
Sokka nods and drags his laptop out from under his bed. As it is starting up and he gets to the right app Sokka says, “but we’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay?”
Zuko hums in agreement.
-
Zuko sleeps in until well into the afternoon. Sokka knows Zuko’s schedule well enough by this point that he knows that he is missing two morning classes by sleeping in. Sokka knows that when he wakes up, Zuko will be disappointed in himself. He feels as if Zuko deserves to sleep in though, after such a rough night. A rough few weeks even.
Sokka could hardly sleep last night, he worried that the second he closed his eyes Zuko would leave the room and do something he would regret. Since he couldn’t sleep, he spent a lot of time ruminating. He wondered what he could have done to be there for his friend; what he could have done to prevent him from feeling low enough to want to hurt himself to begin with. If Sokka is being honest, everyone has been so busy the last couple of weeks no one has really taken time to themselves, let alone hanging out, having fun, and letting loose. Maybe they all need to work harder to implement more downtime in their lives, something that doesn’t involve school or work.
The last couple of weeks, Zuko has been practically living in the campus library. Not only is that where he does most of his school work, but he is also a paid tutor. When he isn’t in class or at the library, he is working at the Jasmine Dragon, trying to ease his Uncles load. Sokka understands that Zuko is under a lot of stress; not only that, but he holds himself to extremely high standards. He puts his all into everything he does. Sokka wished he had noticed that a switched had been flipped. When had Zuko gone from his typical school and work stress to a i want to hurt myself stress?
“Hey Snoozles, what are you doing around?” Toph asks. She had just gotten home from the Dojo where she works and trains. Her seeing eye dog, Badger, runs right up to Sokka nuzzling his head onto his lap.
Sokka is usually in the lab right now, but he called his supervisor and told him he won’t be in today, hoping to get a chance to talk to Zuko at some point. “Ah, I’m just taking a personal day.”
Toph squints in his general direction, “is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Sokka is lying and Toph knows it. “I’ve just been working so hard, we all have. We need to rest and take care of ourselves more often, you know?”
Toph grabs a box of cheez-its out of the cabinet and sits down at the table beside Sokka, “Does this have something to do with Zuko sneaking into your room in the middle of the night and skipping class today?”
Sokka will never understand how Toph always seems to know everything, but he’s learned a long time ago not to question it. At this point, he just assumes Toph has super powers. He stays silent, but the silence is an answer enough.
Toph sighs, “Zuko must still be asleep then, is he okay?”
Sokka shrugs, he doesn’t want to speak on behalf of Zuko and Toph sees right through him, so he opts out of saying anything.
“Well, you know how I am with all the mushy feely stuff, but if any of you guys need anything let me know. I could drag you to the studio and give you a proper beat down, it always takes the edge off.”
Sokka snorts and pats Toph's shoulder, “Thanks, man.”
“Always. Tell Sparky that his sparring mat is waiting for him.” That's about as mushy feely as Toph is going to get. Sokka gets up and puts his half drank mug of tea in the sink, it’s long since gotten cold, and makes his way back to his room.
He is mostly expecting Zuko to still be asleep, but when he opens the door, Zuko is propped up with his back against the headboard with his knees pressed against his chest.
“Morning,” Sokka says, “Or should I say afternoon?”
Zuko looks over at Sokka and Sokka just wants to do anything in his power to wipe the sad puppy dog look from his face.
“I’m sorry-”
Sokka knows that there is a whole list of apologies piling up in Zuko's brain right now, so he cuts him off before he gets any further, “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m glad you woke me up last night, and I’m glad you stayed. You shouldn’t be sorry about missing class or anything either. You needed a day to do nothing.”
Zuko is frowning, “You missed work.”
“I needed a day to do nothing too,” Sokka explains. He sits on the bed, facing Zuko, who is biting his lip nervously. He knows he isn’t going to get out of talking about last night.
“I’m-” Zuko cuts himself off, probably because he was going to apologize again. He clears his throat and a blush lines his cheeks, “Thank you for last night.”
Sokka just shrugs, “Like I said, I’m glad you woke me up.”
“Right, uh, so I’m sure you have questions about why I’m, like… this?” Zuko clearly doesn’t know how to talk about this or where to begin. Thankfully, Sokka is a pro at talking.
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Sokka clarifies, “I just want to make sure you are safe. How long have you been feeling like this?”
Zuko shrugs, “I had been thinking about, um, relapsing I guess for a couple weeks now, I think. I’ve just been really stressed with school and work, and I haven’t been making time for you or any of the others or even Uncle and I have been feeling really guilty about not prioritizing you guys.”
Now that Zuko is talking, he doesn’t stop. Sokka is glad to listen and thankful that he doesn’t have to do any more unhelpful probing. As much as he wants to interrupt Zuko to tell him he has nothing to feel guilty about, he doesn’t want to interrupt and have Zuko potentially shut down.
“And Aang had called me asking if I wanted to go to the Dragon Dance performance with him, and I said that I couldn’t. He sounded so disappointed and all I could think about is how I’m letting everyone down. I’m a bad friend. It’s only a matter of time before everyone realizes it. I don’t deserve you guys anyways.”
Zuko stops there, he places his chin on his forearms. Sokka lets what Zuko said ruminate for a second. Of course he wants to tell him that he’s all wrong, that Zuko isn’t a bad friend and we all get busy sometimes and school is important, but he doesn’t think that is the right thing to say. He doesn’t want to invalidate Zuko's feelings.
Sokka shuffles up the bed more and presses himself against Zuko's side, the closest they are going to get to a hug at the moment. “I’m sorry that you feel that way. We all know that sometimes life gets the better of us, Aang especially, and no one holds it against you for being too busy and stressed to hang out. I haven’t seen my sister in two weeks, and Suki and Yue in probably longer, so I know how it feels to feel bad about not putting the people you care about first. Do you think they hold it against me for not spending time with them?”
Zuko shakes his head, “They all love you, plus they know how busy you are with your robot research thing…”
“Then why do you think that it’s any different for you?” Sokka asks quietly.
Zuko bites at his lip again, pulling skin off and making it bleed. If this were another moment, Sokka might have the balls to pull his bottom lip out from between his teeth. But this is not the right time.
“I’m not like you, Sokka. Everyone loves you, you don’t have to work to make people smile or laugh. You’re easy to be around.”
Sokka scrunches his nose, “Maybe so, but just because I’m easy to be around doesn’t mean I’m forming meaningful bonds and relationships with people. That sort of thing is deep and you have to work for it. You’ve already done that with Aang and Katara and Toph and all of the people who matter, you don’t have to work to upkeep a relationship that already has a strong foundation. Especially when you are going through a rough patch.”
Zuko leans back and bangs his head against the headboard softly, letting out a long sigh. “This is why I didn’t come talk to you first thing. I know you would put everything in perspective and make me feel dumb for not reaching out to begin with.”
Sokka rolls his eyes, “You aren’t dumb. Everyone wants to isolate themselves when they are feeling down. I’m sorry for not recognizing that you were going through a hard time sooner.”
Zuko shrugs, “I hide it pretty well, I guess.”
“Well, I’m glad you did eventually come to me,” Sokka says, and since he feels that the conversation is nearing an end he asks, “Did I do an okay job at comforting you? If this were to happen again is there something that helps you feel better?”
Zuko nudges Sokka's shoulder and smiles softly, “You were perfect.”
Sokka nods, glad to be of help. “Well, I think this calls for a group dinner then, huh? Maybe I can dig out gran grans meatloaf recipe and invite the others over?”
Zuko grins and nods, “I’ll make a vegan meatloaf for Aang.”