Work Text:
From the time he was a little kid, Chan was there for Felix. Chan was his next-door neighbor and a good friend, despite being three years older than him. Chan would always play with him, teaching him how to play video games and sneaking him the good snacks that Felix’s parents never allowed him to have. Chan taught Felix how to tie his laces, helped him brush his teeth, and, while they were especially young, even took baths together. Felix adored Chan so much.
The one thing Felix did not adore, however, was when Chan said to his parents one night as they were eating dinner, “Yeah, he’s like the perfect little brother!”
Felix didn’t know why exactly that made him so upset as a little kid, but as he grew up, he quickly realized why. He was in fifth grade when he realized that he had a crush on Chan, that kind and patient Chan who helped him with his homework, gentle Chan who showed him how to pet Chan’s dog, Berry, and strong Chan who stood up to Felix’s bullies… He was too cool. Felix was completely and utterly enamored by him.
Still, the word “brother” got tossed around way too much for Felix’s liking. His parents and sisters all cooed over Chan, calling him basically family already. Even his friend from fifth grade, Seungmin, said that it was “So cool that Felix got a bonus brother.” Felix had kept a straight face, but he wanted to cry. Absolutely nobody thought of Chan as anything other than a brother to Felix, including Chan himself.
He kept it mostly quiet that he liked Chan, but people like his friends, but somehow a couple of his friends he made in middle school, specifically Hyunjin and Jisung, found out. Hyunjin found out just from looking at the way that Felix looked at Chan, but Jisung found his diary and jokingly opened it, only to find the name “Felix Bang” written there with hearts all around it. Felix almost died when each of them found out, his embarrassment burning over his face as a match dropped into gasoline.
“Is it that swimmer’s build?” Hyunjin asked one day when the three of them were over at Felix’s house to supposedly do homework, although they were really just sitting around and eating snacks.
“No, it’s not because he’s muscular,” Felix grumbled, heat rushing to his face. “It’s because he’s so good to me.”
“Are you saying we aren’t?” Jisung asked, looking offended.
“Yeah, Lixie, are you saying we aren’t?” Hyunjin asked, puffing up a little.
“That’s not what I meant,” Felix groaned, flopping back. “He just… He always listens to my troubles, he’s helped me through every step of life, and he’s like my childhood best friend. Like, you’re my twin and my best friend, but something about Chan is so special, you know? I’ve just always liked him.”
“Aww, our Lixie is so in love,” Hyunjin crooned, reaching over to pinch Felix’s cheek.
“Stooop,” Felix whined.
Jisung quickly scooted to the other side of Felix, pinching his other cheek. “Ahh, sweet little romantic Lixie, so into Channie that he wants to marry him, right?”
“Shut up,” Felix groaned, covering his face. He was only thirteen, after all, so marriage was way far away. Still, some part of Felix’s heart couldn’t help but pick up the pace at the idea of him and Chan in matching suits.
High school began for Felix and his friends, him being a freshman and Chan being a junior. Chan invited the nervous freshmen to sit with him and his couple of friends, another junior named Minho and a sophomore named Changbin. Felix, being Felix, happily hung off his arm for the majority of the lunch. Hyunjin would not stop giving him a side eye, but Felix happily ignored it. Chan hadn’t made any hints about the fact that he might dislike his cuddliness in all of their years together, so Felix wasn’t about to stop now.
Felix couldn’t help but note how Jisung’s eyes kept flitting back toward Minho and the way Changbin seemed to be in complete and utter awe of Hyunjin. Felix’s lips lifted a little at the idea of them all being paired up, but he didn’t say anything out of fear of jinxing it. Maybe now that he was in high school, Chan would start seeing him as more of an adult, and less as a cute little brother.
Felix met up with Seungmin, his friend from elementary school, once again. Seungmin had grown to be a lot more of a tsundere, but he was still great. Seungmin had made a friend as well named Jeongin, whose smile seemed to light up the whole world. Felix invited them to sit at their table, and they quickly melded into the group.
“We’re outnumbered now,” Changbin complained. “All of these freshmen…”
“You were a freshman last year,” Chan pointed out.
“There was only one of me,” Changbin argued.
“Thank god for that,” Seungmin muttered.
“Hey, I heard that!” Changbin shouted.
“And everyone can hear you,” Hyunjin said dryly.
Changbin quieted down at Hyunjin’s words, his face suddenly turning quite red. Chan laughed and clapped him on the back, but Changbin didn’t say anything else. Felix wasn’t sure if Hyunjin had noticed his feelings or not, but it seemed rather obvious, so he probably had. He wasn’t sure how Hyunjin felt about Changbin as he never had tried to ask about it. He wasn’t good at bringing that sort of thing up.
Jisung, meanwhile, was very open with everyone except Minho about his feelings for him. He got close to Changbin and Chan as well, and would often talk to them about Minho for hours, according to Chan. It was seriously adorable if Felix thought so himself. He didn’t know for sure how Minho felt, but occasionally Felix would catch him looking at Jisung with the softest eyes known to man, so he was pretty sure that Jisung had a really good shot.
Felix knew, however, that he didn’t have a very good shot. Chan had begun referring to him as “his sweet little baby brother” more and more often. Felix tried not to show how those words stabbed at his heart, but he cried more than once because of it. He never showed that side of himself to anyone, not even Hyunjin. He was sure that Hyunjin knew that Felix was sad, but he wanted to project that happy persona as much as he could, so he kept that quietly hidden on nights when he was alone, under the covers where nobody could see him cry.
Because of their age, Felix, Hyunjin, Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin all had to go through compulsory sex education. Felix ended up having this class with Seungmin and Jeongin, and while he was grateful to have friends like Hyunjin and Jisung, he didn’t think he would be able to handle the embarrassment of sex education with Hyunjin and Jisung teasing him about this and that while they were having in-class discussions.
Felix’s parents were both betas, which increased the likelihood that he would be a beta as well. On one hand, he was fine with it, but on the other… Chan’s father was an alpha, which meant he was more likely to be an alpha. It was a fifty-fifty shot, really, but Felix had this nagging feeling that Chan was an alpha like his father. He already resembled his father quite a bit, and he definitely put on muscle easily like an alpha, and he showed a lot of leadership skills like an alpha.
Felix wanted to be an omega, badly. He knew that Chan wanted to have kids someday, and the only way he’d be able to provide Chan with those kids was if he was an omega. Besides, even though alphas could marry betas and other alphas, it was rare; alphas married omegas. True, Chan’s parents were proof that betas could marry alphas, but it was so infrequent that Felix knew he probably wouldn’t have a chance if he wasn’t an omega.
“I’d way rather be a beta,” Seungmin snorted as they worked on an assignment together. “No heats or ruts to deal with, no societal pressure to be a specific way, not as much of that hind mind bullshit… I don’t get why you want to be an omega, Felix.”
“I just think it would be nice,” was Felix’s noncommittal response.
“I’m with Seungmin,” Jeongin snorted, erasing one of Seungmin’s answers and filling it in with a different one. “I’d way rather be a beta. But I think you being an omega would suit you, Felix. You’re so pretty… pretty ugly!”
Felix jumped Jeongin and shook him, threatening to bite him, but laughing. Still, Felix’s stomach was filled with fear. He already was having trouble getting Chan’s attention, he wasn’t ugly, was he? Felix looked at his reflection with anxiety, noting every single pimple and freckle. Finally, Felix took a big step; he asked for Hyunjin’s help with learning how to do makeup.
“Why the sudden interest, Lixie?” Hyunjin asked, pulling out concealer. “I mean, I’m happy to have you so I can share this interest with someone, don’t get me wrong, but you never cared about this kind of thing before.”
“I just… It’s almost the end of freshman year, and Chan’s still treating me like I’m his little brother. I want to be pretty so he’ll notice me,” Felix mumbled, running a hand through his hair.
“Aww, Lix, you’re plenty pretty,” Hyunjin cooed. “Chan is just an idiot. I’m happy to help you with makeup, though, if that’s what you really want.”
Felix was quietly very jealous of Hyunjin. He didn’t have to do anything to capture people’s attention. Even on those days that he didn’t wear makeup to school, he was still beautiful enough to turn heads. Felix had heard that omegas were significantly prettier than other people, so he was sure that Hyunjin was an omega. Felix would give anything to know that about himself, but he truly didn’t think he was going to be an omega, especially now that his voice had deepened to a ridiculous degree for a fifteen-year-old. No omega he had seen on television sounded like him.
Felix did and undid his makeup several times, learning the flow of it before he even attempted to go to school with it on. When he felt comfortable with the fact that his makeup skills weren’t terrible, he went to the bus stop with it on. It was little more than foundation, eye shadow, and mascara, but he felt more confident with it on.
He met up with Chan at the bus stop, and the older boy did a double-take when he saw Felix. “Lix?”
“Yeah?” Felix asked, hoping and praying that Chan would think he looked nice.
“Your freckles are gone,” he said, his eyebrows drawn together and his thumb brushing across Felix’s cheek.
“Yeah, I put on makeup. What do you think?” Felix asked, nervously rocking back and forth on his heels.
“Everything is good except for your freckles being gone,” Chan said, glancing away. “I like your freckles. They remind me of the night sky. I mean, it’s up to you, of course, I just… Yeah, I think your freckles are adorable. You do look really pretty, though.”
Felix felt himself float off into space at that compliment. He had no idea that Chan liked his freckles that much. This part of him that felt like an imperfection for so long now felt incredibly important to him. Part of him wanted to run home and wash off his makeup right now, but he couldn’t because of the bus. From then on, he wore a much thinner layer of foundation, so that Chan could still see his freckles.
Felix’s sophomore year began, which meant it was Minho and Chan’s senior year. Felix felt nervous, not only because he knew this would be the last year that he got to spend with Chan in the school system, but also because he had started to be able to smell the two older boys. It was getting close to the time to present, as secondary puberty generally happened between the ages of eighteen and twenty, usually on the younger side. While Felix was fairly sure that Chan was an alpha, he was still praying for the chance for Chan to be a beta so that Felix would have a better chance of being with him.
Felix’s prayers were not answered.
Just a week after his eighteenth birthday, Chan presented as an alpha, going into his first-ever rut. Felix worried his bottom lip endlessly, texting Chan any moment he could to make sure the older boy was doing okay. Chan did not read a single one of his texts until his rut was over, however, stating that he had needed a bit of space. Felix completely understood; ruts sounded exhausting from what he learned in his sex education class.
Felix found himself really enjoying Chan’s new pheromones. The smell of cinnamon hung around the older boy constantly, and Felix tried to get close enough to smell it any chance he got. Something deep within him growled, My alpha , but Felix tried his best to keep those feelings in check. Felix wasn’t about to ruin his friendship with Chan until he knew for sure that he had captured his heart. Even now, Chan still called him “his cute little brother,” despite how not little and not a brother Felix was.
“I think Binnie’s going to be an alpha, too, with the way he gains muscle,” Chan said one day, grinning and clapping Changbin’s shoulder.
Changbin smiled a self-satisfied smile, sitting up a bit taller. “Oh? You think so?”
“No, there’s no way! He’s way too short,” Hyunjin snorted, pointing a carrot at Changbin.
“Hey, hey, there are plenty of alphas who are a little short,” Changbin cried.
“Yeah, but there’s your whole personality, too.” Hyunjin flipped his hair over his shoulder. “There’s just no way.”
“Oh yeah? Wanna bet on it?” Changbin demanded.
“Not really, sounds boring,” Hyunjin said.
Changbin sat back, looking defeated. Felix smiled sympathetically at him. Changbin had been trying so hard to catch Hyunjin’s attention, only to fail time and time again. Felix assumed that Hyunjin had to know by now how desperate the junior was to get him to notice him, but Hyunjin obviously didn’t feel the same way. They had never actually discussed it, but Felix was fairly certain he was right.
On the other hand, Minho invited Jisung to the winter dance, and not as friends. Jisung had to scream into a pillow several times while he told the other sophomores. Felix was happy for Jisung, clapping for him and grinning as widely as he could. Hyunjin and Felix helped him pick a suit, helped him with his makeup, and talked him through the anxiety attack he nearly had.
They all went to the dance together, but Minho and Jisung were the only ones who really went together. The rest of their friends tried to give them space as much as they could, letting them do a slow dance together or occasionally sit at the table alone. Minho’s hands were constantly on Jisung, grabbing his hand or wrapping an arm around his waist. Jisung was flushed the entire night, and Felix was certain it wasn’t from the heat of the crowded auditorium.
It wasn’t even a day later that Jisung and Minho announced that they were together. Felix was over the moon excited for them. Jisung gained a crush on Minho the instant they first met, back on the first day of freshman year, and it seemed as though Minho had felt pretty similarly early on. Felix made heart-shaped cookies with pink frosting to celebrate, bringing them to school to share that Monday.
Minho presented in the early spring of that year as an alpha. He insisted that it would change nothing between him and Jisung, which Jisung was grateful for. And nothing did change for the most part, except Minho’s excessive scenting of Jisung. Jisung was constantly smelling like pine, which he said he didn’t mind. Maybe Felix’s nose was just a little sensitive, though, because he couldn’t handle the smell a lot of the time.
Chan never scented Felix.
Chan and Minho graduated and both Jisung and Felix cried. Felix’s childhood friend was now an adult, and the world was his oyster. He was going to the nearby local university for music production, which Felix supposed he shouldn’t be too shocked by. Minho was going to a university nearly an hour away for dance, but he promised to visit often. He seemed like he really was kind of upset that he had to be so far from his boyfriend.
Their junior year felt a lot quieter without Minho and Chan there, but luckily, Changbin was loud enough to make up for it. Felix didn’t see Chan as often, but they texted almost every day. Chan was staying in the alpha dorms and Felix came to visit him every so often, to play video games together, go on walks, watch shows, or just eat snacks together. It wasn’t enough for Felix, but it would have to do. It’s not like Felix was his boyfriend. No, he was the precious little brother. Still.
One night, Felix was feeling particularly self-destructive. It hurt so bad to like Chan this much and to know that Chan simply didn’t feel the same. He had to ask the question because he needed the pain. He needed to know that he wasn’t loved in the same way that he loved Chan. He had to hear it.
“Are there any cute omegas you have your eye on?” Felix asked quietly while they were watching a movie.
“What’s this? You’ve never asked me about that before,” Chan said, sounding slightly surprised.
“I was just curious what sort of person you like, Channie,” Felix murmured.
Chan was quiet for a moment. “There’s a cute omega girl in my math class. I’ve been thinking about asking her out.”
Pain. Pain. Pain. Felix had wanted this, but it still hurt. It felt like the wind had gotten knocked out of him. Felix would never be good enough for Chan, because Chan had put him in the category of “family.” There was no escaping this box that Chan had put him in, so he had to accept it. He had to accept that there was no way that Chan would ever love him the way he wanted to be loved.
Felix swallowed heavily and put on his fakest smile. “That’s great, Channie. You should ask her out.”
“I dunno, I’m not sure if I’m good enough for her. She’s so pretty, Lix,” Chan said with a sigh. “I’m just kind of… me…”
“You hush up,” Felix huffed. “You’re so handsome. You have the kindest eyes, the sweetest dimples, and god damn it, Channie, your abs… They’re insane. She’d have to be crazy to say no to you.”
Chan smiled and pinched Felix’s cheek. “You’re so sweet, Lixie. Best baby brother ever.”
Felix cried himself to sleep that night, silent as ever so nobody could hear the sadness that froze him from the inside out. He had hoped and hoped and hoped for so long, but he could see the truth now: Chan just wasn’t interested. Felix could grow up all he wanted, hell, he could even be an omega, but Chan wouldn’t bite. There was no way for Felix to win his heart.
At school the next day, he tried his best to be normal. He smiled as much as possible, joked around, and did his schoolwork. He was pretty sure he did a good job of it, up until Hyunjin invited him over to his house after school. The look in his eyes said that he knew something was up and that saying no was not an option.
Once they were safely in Hyunjin’s room, the taller boy turned to Felix, a frown on his face. “What’s wrong?”
Felix, who had been holding it together so well, burst into tears immediately. “Chan’s never going to love me! At least, not in the same way I love him. I’ve been chasing after him for so long, but to him, I’ll never be anything but a baby brother… I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been!”
“Oh, sunshine,” Hyunjin said, his voice breaking as he quickly made his way over to Felix and wrapped his arms around him. “No, no, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Chan who’s stupid here. I don’t understand why he can’t see how wonderful you are. I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much. I wish I could take the pain away.”
Felix cried into Hyunjin’s shoulder for a long time, his face puffy and red by the time he stopped. Even then, Hyunjin pulled Felix onto his bed and cuddled him for a while until Felix was ready to talk again. Hyunjin made Felix promise to try to put some space between him and Chan because as things were, Felix’s relationship with Chan wasn’t very healthy.
“I’m just saying, don’t text him every day, and maybe don’t get so physically close to him. You need some separation,” Hyunjin said, nodding firmly.
“I don’t wanna be apart from him, though,” Felix mumbled, sniffling pathetically.
“I know, baby. But you need to. If you keep sticking so close to him, you’re only going to get hurt more and more,” Hyunjin murmured, stroking Felix’s hair.
“I just love him so much…” Felix mumbled, eyes half-closed as sleepiness from crying so much took hold.
“I know, baby. But you deserve better, okay?” Hyunjin murmured.
“Who could be better than Channie?” Felix mumbled.
“I don’t know yet, but I’m going to find you someone to love,” Hyunjin said.
Felix thought for a moment before mumbling, “Maybe I could try to go out with Changbin since his feelings aren’t requited either…”
Hyunjin stiffened up at that. “Ch… Changbin likes someone?”
Felix blinked a couple of times before looking up at Hyunjin’s suddenly stony face. “Uh, yeah? Isn’t it obvious?”
“Um, no,” Hyunjin mumbled, his eyes on the ceiling. “I didn’t know that. At all. Let’s, um… let’s just talk about this later, though. I’ll find you someone, I promise.”
It took nearly a month for them to talk about Changbin again, during which time Felix attempted to slightly pull away from Chan. He didn’t reply right away always, and the times he visited, he didn’t cuddle up to Chan while they were playing games or watching something. If Chan noticed, he didn’t say anything. Felix felt hurt once again, realizing that the cuddling had always been eternally more important to him than they were to Chan.
When Felix finally cornered Hyunjin to bring him to Felix’s house in order to talk about Changbin, Hyunjin seemed really nervous, playing with one of his many bracelets. Felix had never seen his friend act like this before and it would be amusing if he didn’t seem so genuinely anxious. So, they sat on his bed together, Felix’s arms grabbing onto Hyunjin’s left arm. Hyunjin opened his mouth several times as though he was going to speak before closing it again, looking even more anxious than before.
“Just tell me. I promise I won’t be mad or judge,” Felix said, nuzzling his friend.
It took another minute, but finally, he burst out, “I don’t want you to date Changbin!”
Felix blinked the dots not quite connecting in his head. “I mean, I wasn’t seriously considering it, but why not?”
Hyunjin’s face turned bright red and he looked down, an embarrassed frown on his face. “I mean… Lixie…”
A light turned on in Felix’s head. “Oh my god, you like him?”
“Shut up, I know,” Hyunjin groaned, turning his head away. “I can’t believe it’s him of all people! I’ve been trying to keep it under wraps for ages, but my best friend dating him… That would be too much. And the fact that he likes someone… oh my god, I can’t handle it at all.”
“Jinnie, you hide your crushes so well!” Felix gasped. “I had no idea! You should totally tell him how you feel!”
“Oh god, no, I can’t tell him,” Hyunjin whined, his head drooping. “It’s too embarrassing. I’ll never be able to live it down when he tells me that he’s not interested!”
“Jinnie, you’re the hottest guy in school. If Changbin turns you down, he’s insane!” Felix exclaimed.
Hyunjin let out another whining noise. “No, besides, isn’t the alpha supposed to ask the omega out?”
Felix raised an eyebrow. “Changbin hasn’t presented yet and you sure haven’t either. Do you know something I don’t?”
Hyunjin pouted. “I… No, no you don’t, but have you seen his arms, Felix? And his scent lately has gotten a little bit stronger… He’s going to present soon, and he’s got to be an alpha. And I… I mean… I don’t wanna sound weird, but I’ve always thought that I’m probably going to be an omega, even despite my height. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense to you, but I-”
“It makes sense to me, too, Hyunjin,” Felix assured him. “Don’t worry. I think you’re probably an omega, too.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re probably an omega, too,” Hyunjin said, albeit a bit shyly.
“I dunno, I wish I was going to be an omega, but I don’t have a lot of hope,” Felix said with a sigh. “I feel like that’s the only way I could get Chan to look at me.”
“Well, Chan can suck it,” Hyunjin huffed, drawing a laugh out of Felix.
The end of the year was coming up and that meant one thing: prom. And Felix had a plan: he was going to have Changbin be as honest as possible with Hyunjin so that they could end up together. Changbin had tried flirting with Hyunjin, tried using pick-up lines, and even tried to hold hands with him. Hyunjin, apparently more of an airhead than Felix initially took him for, had assumed he was being teased and that Changbin wasn’t serious. Changbin had been serious for years now, though.
Felix ignored his feelings for Chan and the idea of going to prom with Chan, not wanting to dwell on those emotions too much. He had become pretty much entirely physically withdrawn from Chan, no longer snuggling or cuddling him. The feelings weren’t fading whatsoever, but Hyunjin was right; it was harder for him to get hurt the more distance he put between them. Felix didn’t know if Chan ever asked that girl out and he didn’t want to know.
“I just don’t know, Felix. Don’t you think he’ll turn me down?” Changbin asked dubiously, sitting in front of the computer with Felix seated beside him.
“I’m telling you, he’s not going to,” Felix insisted.
“I’ve been trying for years to get him to look at me. Are we sure serenading him is the way to go?” Changbin asked, glancing at the computer program where he was writing a song for Hyunjin to ask him to prom.
“You know how much Hyunjin loves romantic movies,” Felix argued.
“Yeah, sorry, it’s just… You’re sure he won’t say no? Because every time I’ve hit on him, he’s pretty much just said no,” Changbin said with a little groan.
“You’ve got this, Binnie,” Felix encouraged him. “We’ve just got to make sure the lyrics are really open and honest about how you feel about him.”
Changbin and Felix set up a microphone and speaker outside of Hyunjin’s house. After Felix rang the doorbell and hid behind a bush, Hyunjin eventually came to the door, looking confused as to why Changbin was standing on his front lawn. Hyunjin’s eyes went huge when Changbin began singing the love song he had written for him. Felix expected that Hyunjin would like being serenaded, but he didn’t expect that the boy would cry with joy. At the end of the song, Changbin held his hand out and asked if Hyunjin would go to prom with him Hyunjin ran over to him, grabbed him by the collar, and kissed the living daylights out of him.
Nobody asked Felix to prom. His loneliness consumed him when he wasn’t busy doing things, but he tried to keep a brave face. He began to wear his makeup on a bit more thickly again, hoping to attract someone, anyone, but it didn’t work. Felix could feel his jealousy towards his friends who had requited love gobbling him up from the inside out. He was better at hiding this time, or maybe Hyunjin was just so focused on his new boyfriend that he didn’t notice that Felix wasn’t feeling the best.
Changbin graduated high school, much to the dismay of Hyunjin. Luckily for him, Changbin was planning on going to the local university with Chan, so they would be able to easily meet up. Felix was truly happy for them, even though some wicked part of him deep down was clawing him up, demanding that it got Chan’s attention. Felix didn’t allow it to color his outside facade.
During summer vacation, they all managed to find the time to meet up at the same time for the first time since the previous summer vacation, having a big sleepover at Changbin’s place, since he had the biggest house. They all settled down in the living room, with snacks and pizza galore. They were going to watch movies and play video games all night long… or, at least until they got really tired.
Not surprising anyone, Changbin and Hyunjin completely snuggled up together, wrapping their arms around each other. Jisung and Minho did as well, but it was a bit more subtle, with Jisung just leaning his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder and holding hands. Despite Seungmin’s clear disgust, Felix cuddled him happily while they watched a movie, even slinging a leg over his legs. When Seungmin got up to use the bathroom after drinking way too much Coke, Felix switched to Jeongin, who groaned but allowed it because it was his gaming buddy. Besides, it was Felix. Felix was cuddly with everyone.
At one point, he felt someone staring at him, so he took a quick glance around, only to find Chan staring at him. He jolted a little and didn’t expect Chan to keep eye contact, but he did. His expression was one of thinly veiled anger, which had surprised him the most. He mouthed, “What?” to the older boy, but Chan just shook his head and looked back to the television. Felix had no idea what that was about, so he shrugged and went back to the movie as well. It wasn’t until their next solo hang out when Chan even came into his room that he would find out what was going on.
“Felix, why are you avoiding me?” Chan asked, crossing his arms and looking at Felix, who was seated on his bed with suddenly wide eyes.
“What do you mean? I’m not avoiding you,” Felix protested. “We’re hanging out right now!”
“You know that’s not what I meant,” Chan said, pinching the skin between his eyebrows. “When you stopped hugging and cuddling me, I thought that maybe you just needed some space or something, but that obviously isn’t the case since you were all over Seungmin and Jeongin.”
Felix felt an angry spark light within him. “I’m allowed to cuddle with whoever I want!”
Chan took a deep breath, looking more frustrated. “Of course, you are, sunshine, that’s not what I was saying. I’m saying that you don’t cuddle me anymore, and I don’t know what happened. You aren’t texting me as much, either. You used to text me back immediately, but now you take hours or even days.”
Felix felt his mouth go dry. He couldn’t be honest in this situation and he certainly hadn’t thought of a lie. Maybe he should have, but he had thought that Chan just didn’t care. Did he actually worry about why Felix had stopped? Even though he had given up hope for Chan to feel the same way as him, he couldn’t help but feel his heart skip a beat.
“I just… I dunno…” Felix mumbled, looking down. “It’s hard to explain.”
Chan sat down next to him, close enough that their sides were pressed together. “Try. If I did something wrong, I want to know.”
Felix hesitated, the threads of a lie coming together. “I… I thought that you probably asked that girl out and she might not want me clinging to you like that.”
Chan stared blankly at Felix. “What girl?”
Felix looked up at him, frowning and pouting slightly. “The omega girl from your math class that you thought was cute?”
Recognition flashed in Chan’s eyes and he groaned, his head falling between his legs. “Really? That’s what this was about? I thought I had somehow fucked up our whole relationship, but it was about a girl I thought was cute in passing?”
“In passing…?” Felix questioned, eyes widening once more.
Chan brought his head up, looking tired. “Yes, in passing. I never really intended to ask her out, Lix. Like, yeah, I considered it, but not seriously. You seriously thought I had a girlfriend this whole time? A girlfriend I never talked about or introduced you to?”
“Well…” Felix started to feel a bit foolish, even though this wasn’t the real reason he had stopped touching Chan. He had thought that Chan probably asked the girl out and had never told Felix about her.
“I’m never going to date someone and not introduce you to them, Felix. You and I have been friends since you were three years old. That’s nearly fifteen years. Besides, if my future partner can’t handle the fact that I have a cuddly little brother, that’s on them. I’m not about to give up my Lixie cuddles for anyone,” Chan snorted.
There it was. Felix groaned and laid back against the bed, his legs still hanging off the side. Brother zoned once again. Felix couldn’t handle Chan being so stupidly oblivious to the pain that he was suffering through, and now Felix didn’t have an “excuse” as to why he wasn’t snuggling up to Chan.
To his horror, Chan not only laid down next to him on his side, but he also wrapped an arm and a leg around Felix, a wide grin on his face. Felix was falling horribly, further and further down into Chan, and there was no way of escaping him. Felix couldn’t stop being friends with Chan, he loved him too much for that, but he couldn’t keep being friends with Chan as they were now. He needed more so badly.
“I love you, Felix Lee,” Chan said, squeezing him.
Felix smiled, sadness piercing his heart once more. “I know. I love you too, Channie.”
Felix gave in, flopping over to his side so he could curl up even closer to Chan. He closed his eyes, breathing in that cinnamon scent that he wished he could eternally be eclipsed in. He would never be happy and in love, and he needed to be okay with that. As long as he could project to the world that he was happy, that was all that mattered. Sure, Chan might ask one day why he isn’t dating anyone, but he’ll just need to say that he’s happy on his own, even if Chan knows that Felix has been reading romance novels and watching romance movies with Hyunjin.
At the beginning of the new school year, a month after Changbin’s nineteenth birthday, Changbin presented as an alpha, not surprising anyone. Hyunjin was thrilled to have an alpha boyfriend, proclaiming that they would surely make an omega-alpha power couple. Felix just nodded and laughed, trying to keep the biting jealousy at bay. He really was happy for them, he just yearned . Felix yearned for that kind of love from Chan more than he yearned for anything else in this world.
Felix turned eighteen, but according to Hyunjin, his scent hadn’t changed at all. Felix had noticed that Hyunjin’s was changing a bit into something floral that he couldn’t quite place, but that was to be expected. Hyunjin was probably an omega after all. If Felix was a beta as he suspected, his scent would change into something fairly neutral when he was twenty, and that would be it. He’d just live his life normally, never marrying and never falling in love with another. Maybe that was a bit dramatic for someone who barely had turned eighteen, but it was honestly how he felt.
Felix turned to baking, as he often did when he was stressed. He made cookies, brownies, and all sorts of treats to take to school. Any moment he wasn’t actively doing his homework, the thoughts would come to him and whisper how he wasn’t good enough for anyone, how nobody truly loved him, how he was a failure, how he was going to be alone forever… and forever was a long time. Sometimes he would quietly wish that it would be less time, just as long as the words stopped.
Being close to Chan again was affecting Felix and it wasn’t a good one. It felt like he was constantly being swallowed by an inky black swamp of despair, knowing that Chan didn’t feel the same way. Being called brother again and again and again was killing him slowly, but Felix couldn’t do anything to stop it. The only way he could stop it would be to drop Chan out of his life, but dropping Chan out of his life might as well have been cutting out his own heart. He couldn’t handle living in a world without the love of his life.
The first time Felix burned his arm on a pan, it had been an accident that quickly led to him dropping the muffins on the top of the stove with a clatter. He hissed with pain, quickly dousing it in cool water. However, as the day went on, he realized that the words stopped whenever the burn started hurting. It was such a relief to not hear those voices whispering to him that he hoped the burn would stay forever. He pressed his thumb against the swatch of red skin anytime the thoughts came back, the words getting drowned out by physical pain.
When the burn faded away to nothingness, Felix panicked a little. He was able to think again and by god, did the words return with a vengeance. Words that told him that he was ugly, that he was unloveable, that he would be better off dead… Felix burned himself on purpose this time, on the other arm. He played it off as himself being clumsy, but he knew what this actually was: self-harm. He couldn’t bring himself to not do it, though, because it was the only way he was able to keep up a smiling front for his friends.
“You’ve been burning yourself a lot, sunshine,” Hyunjin said one day, his eyes laced with concern. “You didn’t use to do that. Are you okay?”
Felix froze up, fear biting at the nape of his neck. Hyunjin couldn’t know, because Hyunjin would make him stop. He needed to keep this in check, he needed to start harming himself some other way so that people wouldn’t be able to see it, so he could keep doing it, so he didn’t have to hear the voices.
“I’m fine, I just keep being clumsy,” Felix said with a carefully practiced laugh.
“If you say so, baby,” Hyunjin said mildly.
Jisung was the one he really had to be careful around, surprisingly. Jisung had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when he was young, so he was well-versed in mental health issues. Felix needed to keep this quiet. He wasn’t truly suicidal anyway, it was just a thought that came into his mind every so often. And besides, even if he was suicidal, wasn’t it because he deserved to be this way? He absolutely deserved it.
Felix bought a razor, hissing between his teeth the first time he used it on one of his thighs. He brought paper towels into his room beforehand, carefully dabbing at the blood. The sting was different, but the voices quieted down all the same. He decided to do just little cuts here and there when he needed to because, despite being certain that nobody would ever see so close to his genitals, he didn’t love that he was going to be leaving scars that he could never get rid of.
Hyunjin presented as an omega close to the end of senior year, going into his first-ever heat. Changbin evidently wanted to be there for him, but Hyunjin’s parents were not about to allow their son to be knotted under their roof. So, Hyunjin spent that heat alone, continually calling their friend group between his needy orgasms.
“It sucks so much, Lixie,” Hyunjin groaned into the phone.
“Uh-huh,” Felix said, dabbing the blood from his thigh.
“I’m serious! It’s like this impossible ache that only Changbin can fill… fuck, I want him so bad. Why won’t my parents let him in?” Hyunjin whined.
“I dunno, Jinnie, it doesn’t seem very fair,” Felix agreed. “You should see if you can get him to knot you next time. Heats occur, like, every three months, right?”
“Oh, yeah, every three months. That means I’ll probably be able to feel his knot during the summer. Fuck, getting your heat during the summer sounds horrific. I’m already so sweaty and sticky and gross, Lix. Totally gross!”
“I’m sorry, Jinnie. Maybe you should take a shower?” Felix offered.
“I think I will. I can’t wait until you present, so I can have someone to commiserate with,” Hyunjin replied.
Felix was very good at lying, he had learned over the past year. When he graduated, he beamed as though he was so proud of himself. In reality, he was wondering if he would even ever put it to use, or if he would end it all before it could happen. Suicide was beginning to sound more and more appealing as he saw everyone being so happy around him while he couldn’t even muster a real smile.
The worst part was when Chan was laughing and hugging him. It made Felix want to cry with how good it felt. He had even started to feel guilty for feeling good. It wasn’t just that, though, he felt guilty that he couldn’t love Chan in the way that Chan obviously thought Felix did. He felt guilty that he took so much pleasure in Chan’s touch when Chan thought that Felix was just being his innocent, sweet little brother. He was beginning to feel sickened with himself for feeling love toward Chan.
Felix was glad he did his thighs instead of his arms when summer came around. His family and friends couldn’t see his cuts as long as he kept them on his thighs. Sometimes he would have real fun with his friends and when the suicidal ideation came around, Felix clung to those moments. He remembered the movie they went to together, he remembered playing fighting games with Jeongin and Hyunjin, he would remember when Chan reached out to hug him instead of Felix hugging him, he would remember his parents putting on family game night for him and his sisters… He clung to those moments, the few moments when he didn’t feel completely empty inside.
A few months after Felix started going to school (for what, he wasn’t sure quite yet) was when Jeongin and Seungmin completely broke him. It was Felix, Hyunjin, Changbin, Chan, Jeongin, and Seungmin all together, as they were all now going to the same college. Jisung had followed Minho to his college, going for a musical performance degree.
“Yeah, we started going out last week,” Jeongin said casually.
Felix froze while Hyunjin did a spit take, quickly moving on to demanding, “You two what?!”
“We’ve liked each other since seventh grade, but we always just assumed the other didn’t feel the same,” Jeongin said with a grin. “I finally just asked him and he got so red.”
“You don’t need to include that,” Seungmin growled, his arms folded.
“Aww, our sweet puppy,” Chan cooed.
“Shut up! I hate all of you!” Seungmin groaned.
“I love you, too,” Jeongin giggled, wrapping his arms around Seungmin’s midsection despite his protestations.
“That just leaves Felix and Chan,” Hyunjin commented, glancing between the two men.
“Ahh, I’m sure Felix will find someone wonderful,” Chan said, looking almost wistful. “Our sunshine is so perfect, he deserves someone perfect.”
“You know, with how everyone else paired up, it could be that both of you end up together,” Changbin said, a bit too casually for Felix’s liking.
“Wh- what? Changbin, what are you saying? Felix is like a little brother to me, there’s no way we’re ever going to date!” Chan exclaimed, eyes wide and cheeks turning red.
Despite himself, Felix’s empty sadness that he carried with him everywhere came out a little when he spoke. “That’s right, Binnie. It’s never going to happen. Chan should find someone perfect for him, too.”
Hyunjin’s eyes darted towards him for a second longer than Felix thought was necessary, but nothing more happened. Felix, who was still living at home, went back to his house and, upon confirming that nobody else was home, collapsed into sobs on his bed, digging his fingernails into his arms so hard he might break the skin. His whole body shook with the force of tears and he screamed into his pillow with as much force as he could muster. It was too painful, it was all too painful…
Everyone was happy. Everyone was happy except Felix, and while he knew why he was sad about Chan, he couldn’t understand why he was so empty inside about the rest of everything. It felt like a night had swallowed up the boy nicknamed “sunshine” and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He felt like he couldn’t talk to anyone about the deep pit he was in, the pit he couldn’t get out of without breaking his neck.
What sort of cruel joke was it that all of Felix’s friends had got together, and he, the one who had been pining the longest, would never have his affections returned? What sort of joke was it that nobody could tell how dead inside he felt? Why couldn’t Felix have just felt like Chan was his brother, like Chan so obviously did? Why couldn’t Felix be the perfect person for Chan? Felix couldn’t bear this pain much longer.
“Pills,” Felix mumbled, sitting up. “What sort of pills…?”
It took him only a few moments to find out what sort of common pills could be used to overdose. It took him less time to go down to the medical cabinet and grab the bottle, as well as water. He didn’t know exactly how much acetaminophen he would need to take to die, but he figured that if he took as much of the bottle as he could, that would probably work. It was from Costco, so it was quite a large bottle of pills. He wasn’t sure if he could take all of them, but he hoped he could.
Felix began downing as many pills as he could, pausing to take small breaks. He probably took half the bottle when he began to feel nauseous, but he tried to take another handful just to be certain that he did it. He grabbed papers from a notebook and began scribbling notes to leave for people. He knew from what he looked up that he was going to have a painful few days, so, while he was still feeling okay, he wanted to write out all of his feelings.
He wrote letters to each of his friends, explaining how much they meant to him, but how their love wasn’t enough to keep him alive. He apologized to his parents that they spent money on his education when he couldn’t even get through the first semester. He told his sisters how much he loved them and wanted them to live, even if he couldn’t. Tears continually fell while he wrote, smudging the pages.
The last letter he wrote was to Chan. It was long and wordy, explaining how much he loved Chan and that he couldn’t handle the rejection, but it wasn’t Chan’s fault. He was just too pathetic, too lame, too imperfect to possibly catch Chan’s attention, and he knew that. He was just never going to be good enough for anyone and he couldn’t picture himself with anyone besides Chan. He had given everything he possibly could to Chan, but he couldn’t give any more.
Felix knew it was going to take a few days for him to die, so he hid the letters so that nobody in his family would see them. He put back the bottle of pills and forced a smile back onto his face. As long as he could keep them off his back for a while, he had a good chance of dying. He wouldn’t be suffering anymore.
Although Felix felt nauseous over the next day, he didn’t start actively vomiting until a day later. He told his friends that he caught a stomach bug and not to visit him. It worked to keep his family away as well. He began having abdominal pain as well and he groaned in bed, holding his stomach. He tried his best to keep it quiet so that nobody could see how bad he was getting.
Unfortunately for him, on the morning of the fourth day, his mother realized something was really wrong with him, seeing how jaundiced he was, and how he couldn’t keep a single thing down. Felix protested that he didn’t want to go to the hospital and that he just needed to keep resting, but something in his mother’s eyes said that she knew something more was happening, even if she wasn’t sure what. She pulled him out of bed and, completely exhausted from his poisoning, Felix immediately passed out, collapsing onto the ground.
Felix woke up in the hospital, much to his chagrin. He was alive.
It was the middle of the night, but his mother was still there, asleep by the window of his hospital room in an uncomfortable-looking chair. Felix looked up at the ceiling, too exhausted to even cry. He had been so determined to die, but because of his too-kind mother, he still had to live in this world where he had no place.
The first person he interacted with was a nurse who came in to check on him. She spoke softly, not wanting to wake his mother up. However, she woke up fairly easily and gasped upon seeing that her only son was awake. She kissed his face multiple times, instantly breaking down crying. The nurse did her duties, like making sure he had medication to fight off the poisoning, and quietly left, leaving Felix alone with his mother.
“I just don’t understand what happened,” she whispered. “Why would you do this to yourself, Felix?”
Felix looked down, trying to come up with a proper answer. “... because I wanted to die.”
“I know,” she whispered, reaching up to brush some hair back. “But why would you want to die? Is it something we did?”
Felix felt his vision getting blurry, a couple of tears slowly dripping down his face. “I just… Everyone is happy except for me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even when everyone is smiling and having fun, I can’t feel it. I’ve been faking so long, Mom… Nothing makes me happy and the things that do make me happy I don’t deserve to have. I don’t want to be alive, even right now. I wish you’d let me die.”
“Felix, honey, no… I’m so sorry you feel that way. That’s terrible. Why didn’t you talk to us about it? We could have done something, we could have tried something, anything,” she said.
“I didn’t want to do anything about it. I just want…” Felix let out a sob, frustration and despair pulling his heart apart.
“What do you want? We’ll get you anything you want, Felix, just so long as you stay,” she begged, tears now traveling down her cheeks as well.
“... Chan…” he whispered, utterly heartbroken.
“Chan? We can get him to come over, of cou-” she began, eyes widening.
“No, you don’t understand. I don’t want him here. I want him always, Mom. All of my friends have someone and I just… he doesn’t want me,” Felix whispered, his voice breaking.
“Oh, Felix…” She finally understood and wrapped her arms around Felix’s shoulders.
They stayed like that for quite a while, with Felix quietly crying and his mother holding onto him and softly singing lullabies like she did when he was tiny. And even though he was still deep in the dredges of despair, Felix somehow did feel a little bit better. He was not cured by any means, but there was a prick of light at the end of the tunnel. It was far, far away, but if he walked for long enough, he might be able to make it.
In the morning, Felix’s father and sisters came to visit him in the hospital. His sisters burst into tears when they saw him, hugging him and babbling about how scared they were and how much they loved him, while his father silently cried and gently laid his hand on Felix’s shoulder. Felix didn’t want any of his friends visiting him in the hospital except for Hyunjin. He couldn’t handle having anyone else there, especially not Chan. Hyunjin agreed to come later that day, but in the meantime, a psychologist came in to evaluate Felix, requesting that the family exit for a moment.
“So, Felix Lee,” the doctor said, looking down through his glasses at the chart on a clipboard. “You’ve never seen a therapist before, never taken any medications, never made a suicide attempt before… I can only assume you’ve been suffering in silence for quite a while.”
“Yeah,” Felix mumbled, looking away. It was hard to talk about this sort of thing with the people he trusted, let alone some random doctor.
“How long?” the psychologist asked.
Felix was quiet, looking down. “I mean… since I was sixteen, but it got worse over the past year.”
“Tell me what got worse,” the psychologist encouraged.
“I just feel… inadequate. Like I’m a failure on all counts. I take rejection and failure really hard and I just… I don’t know. It’s like I have this voice in my head that’s constantly telling me I’m not good enough,” Felix said quietly.
“I understand exactly what you’re saying,” the psychologist said.
In the end, Felix found out that he was going to be put on a psychiatric hold after he was done being treated at the hospital the next day. Felix would have to stay at a mental hospital for three full days, just to ensure that he would hurt himself again. That was fair enough because Felix definitely had considered it. If no other way, then through cutting himself.
The food at the hospital was surprisingly good, so Felix ate as much as he could. He had to be careful, just because his liver was not doing extremely well. Felix’s father offered Felix his phone, but Felix couldn’t bear the thought of seeing the group chat. Felix’s parents had told Chan, Hyunjin, and Jisung’s parents, who had certainly told their sons what had occurred with Felix. He was sure they were all blaming themselves when the only one to blame was Felix himself. It was his own fault for not being enough.
When Hyunjin came in, his family left to grab some food from the hospital cafeteria, glad to not leave Felix alone, but also have some time to probably talk to each other about what they needed to do. Hyunjin sat on the chair his mother had been occupying, looking at Felix with a neutral expression. They sat in silence for a little while as Hyunjin appeared to be trying to figure out what to say.
“Why didn’t you talk to me?” was the first question Hyunjin finally asked.
“I’m not worth it,” Felix answered quietly.
“Bullshit,” Hyunjin hissed, suddenly standing up. “Felix Lee, you and I have been best friends since we were in sixth grade. How could you feel like you’re not worth it to me? You have been the person I’ve leaned on for years and years, what made you think you’re not worth it?! You’re our friend, Felix, our precious friend. Yes, we gave you the nickname Sunshine because you smile so much, but you are allowed to be sad and to come to us when you need us! You are allowed to show us your sad side! We’re your friends, and we love you so much. The world would not be better off without you, Felix, and I’m just… how could I not notice? How did I miss so many little signs? How could I not be there for you, Felix?”
Hyunjin began sobbing, grabbing Felix’s hand. Felix couldn’t think of a reply, so he just silently squeezed his hand. It didn’t feel good to be the cause of his friend’s tears, but, at the same time, how could he come to them when part of the reason he felt so bad was that he was so jealous of them? It wasn’t fair to them.
“Felix, please, don’t go,” Hyunjin whimpered, looking up at him with teary eyes. “Please talk to me. I promise I won’t ever judge your feelings or anything, I just want you here. We all were so scared when we got that first text from Chan that you had attempted suicide. We couldn’t believe it at first, but the more we all talked about it, the more sense it made. Felix, you’re so lonely, aren’t you?”
Felix jolted a little at that, wincing as Hyunjin hit the nail on the head.
Hyunjin continued, “You and I have always been romantics, believing in love… but because of Chan, you stopped believing in love for yourself and it seeped out from there. You stopped believing that your friends and family loved you. Your friends all got together, and that just made it even worse. You made plenty of cries for help, but nobody listened to them, so you felt even more lonely. In the end, you felt completely isolated, right?”
Felix felt a little sob pull its way out of his throat, tears openly pouring down his face. “Yeah…”
“I’m sorry, Felix. I was so obsessed with my happiness that I kept ignoring the signs. I promise to always be someone you can lean on. The rest of the boys will, too, but I want to be there when you need to really talk to someone and you can’t trust it with anyone else, okay?” Hyunjin sobbed.
The two boys ended up holding each other and crying for quite a while. Felix, for the first time in years, felt seen by someone. Someone understood why he felt this way, what happened, and why he had suffered so much. Even if Hyunjin couldn’t fix what was wrong with him, he could be there for him, and that’s what counted. Felix just needed someone beside him who could understand that.
Felix did not enjoy his time at the psychiatric facility. He wore grippy socks, he painted, and he was a bit shy around people. He didn’t know anyone there, so he didn’t have anyone to cuddle with, which didn’t help. Felix wished he could have at least brought the wolf plushie that Chan had gotten for him on his sixth birthday. Even if it reminded him too much of Chan, it was his special childhood toy.
They also had him start on some antidepressants, which Felix was less than thrilled about, but he understood that there was no way they would allow him to not be on them. He had group therapy and one-on-one therapy, during which he tried to speak as little as possible while properly answering questions. It wasn’t like he wasn’t willing to try to get better, he just also wasn’t comfortable in this situation at all. If he was going to do this, he wanted to get better while living on the outside, and with a therapist that he knew he could trust.
Felix’s mom came to pick him up when his mandatory hold was over, taking him home. She had him give her his razor and they shredded his suicide notes together. She also had him drop out of college for the semester, so they could spend some time together learning what it was Felix wanted to do with his life and focus on healing. She managed to get him in to see a therapist within a couple of weeks of exiting the hospital. Felix couldn’t help but note as well that the medicine cabinet now had a lock on it.
Felix just wanted to sleep in his own bed, in his own pajamas, with his plushies. He also allowed himself to open the group chat for the first time since his attempt. He did not scroll up to see what he missed, simply writing that he was home and that he needed a couple of days before anyone came to see him. His phone began to explode with notifications from his friends, all saying how glad they were that he was safe and home and that they wanted to come to see him. Felix placated them by saying they would see him soon, but he needed them to come one at a time.
Felix spent the next two days trying to pick between getting out of bed to do things, or staying in bed where he felt safe from the world. His mom made him get out of bed near lunchtime, insisting that he needed to eat and do some light exercise with her. He ate, despite not having a lot of an appetite. At least he didn’t have to try to make food, because he couldn’t handle attempting to cook his own food at the moment. His mother made him food at talked to him while he sat at the dinner table, chatting about whatever came to her mind.
His friends had all started chatting with him one-on-one, something that didn’t happen often before. He had mostly chatted with Chan, Hyunjin, and Jisung in private chats, but now all of them were texting him. It was a little overwhelming, so he often took breaks from talking to them. Especially Chan, who was determined to be the first person to see Felix. Felix didn’t have a good excuse to not see Chan, so he just had to allow it.
Chan came over the third day after Felix got back, coming over at nine in the morning, so while Felix was still in bed. Chan knocked on the door before walking in. Felix was awake and just looked at him while he hugged his stuffed wolf. Chan walked over, a little sad smile on his face while he sat down on the edge of the bed. He hesitantly reached over and stroked Felix’s hair, making Felix’s heart speed up. The scent of cinnamon washed over him, a comforting scent that made Felix’s heart swoop.
“Hey, Lixie. How are you doing?” Chan asked kindly.
Felix couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh. “I don’t know.”
“That’s fine. I imagine you wouldn’t be great after everything that’s happened,” Chan said patiently.
“Mm,” was all Felix responded with.
“... Felix, I… I’m really glad you’re still here.” Chan hesitated, his eyes firmly on the floor while one of his hands entangled itself with one of Felix’s. “I know that’s selfish of me because you tried to kill yourself to end the pain you were secretly going through, but for me, it’s always like this with you. I want to be selfish with you. I want you by my side all the time, I want to be there for you while you cry or you laugh, I want to see you happy, I want to see you succeed… I need you here, Lix. You’ve been in my life for so long that I can’t imagine what life would be like without you. I would do anything to keep you here, anything you wanted.”
Felix wanted to ask him if he would date Felix, but that felt like he was taking advantage of the situation. Besides, he wanted Chan to want him the same way he wanted him, not just to date him. Even if that would have helped heal his heart, he didn’t think it would fix everything. He would still have depression, even if Chan was in love with him.
“Felix, when I heard what you had done, I- I really freaked out. I’ve never freaked out more in my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had done like I hadn’t been enough. I couldn’t stop wondering why I didn’t see it earlier. And I was so, so scared of losing you. It seemed like we might actually lose you at one point, and I… fuck…” Chan rubbed the tears away with the back of his hand. “Lix, I love and care about you so much. I don’t want you to hurt anymore, but please tell me you’re willing to try to live. Because I don’t think I’ll be able to live in a world without you.”
“... I’m going to try,” Felix said quietly, looking down. “I don’t know if I’ll succeed, though, Channie. The emptiness I feel… I don’t know if there’s anything that can fill it.”
“Even if you don’t know, let’s try to fill it with whatever we can. I promise to do whatever I can to help you out, okay? Felix, I promise to do whatever you need to help you feel whole again. I don’t want you to be silent about your pain anymore, either. I don’t want you to be silently crying all alone. I will listen to you all you want, I swear. It doesn’t matter when it is, you can call me in the middle of the night for all I care, and I will be there for you, Felix. No more saying that you’re okay when you’re obviously not, no more hurting all alone, no more of any of that. So, please, don’t leave me in this world without you,” Chan begged, tears falling rapidly.
At some point, Felix had begun crying as well, guilt eating him up for making Chan feel this way. Felix pulled his hand away from Chan’s, only to scoot further back against the wall of his room. He patted his bed and held up the blankets, the invitation clear that Chan eagerly accepted. Chan wrapped his arms around Felix, pulling him close and pressing Felix’s head into the crook of his neck. Chan pressed a quick kiss to the top of Felix’s head, nuzzling him gently. He rubbed a hand up and down Felix’s back, and the both of them were silent for quite a while.
“Channie, you know I love you, right?” Felix asked quietly.
“I do. And you know I love you, right?” Chan replied.
“I don’t,” Felix whispered, eyebrows drawn together. “Chan, I care about you so much and I worry even more about how you feel about me. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough to be near you and our friends. I feel like I’m just an annoyance to all of you, and those feelings would just be an annoyance. It’s not like I don’t trust you with those feelings, I just… I so often think you wouldn’t care because you all secretly don’t like me.”
“Lix…” Chan’s voice came out strangled and he squeezed his friend tightly. “Lix, no. None of us dislike you, we all love you. I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it, but I love you so much. You’re so important to me and your feelings could never be an annoyance, okay? God, I wish you could understand how much I care about you. If only you could understand, Felix…”
“Mm… I… Thank you, but can we talk about something else? I just… If I think about it too much, it gets worse,” Felix mumbled.
“Of course, Lixie. We can talk about whatever you want,” Chan agreed quickly.
Chan and Felix stayed quietly talking about this and that while they cuddled up together until Felix’s mom knocked on the door, telling them that lunch was ready. They got out of bed and went downstairs together, eating the kimchi-guk that Felix’s mother had lovingly prepared for them. His mom commented that Felix smelled like Chan now, which made both of the boys flush. Felix had accidentally(?) gotten scented by Chan.
For the next few days, at least one of his friends would visit a day. Some came bearing gifts, others brought video games for Felix to borrow, and others just brought themselves. Felix didn’t bother with his fake smile for them anymore, although it was strangely tempting to still do. All of them asked about his mental health and all he could do was shrug in response. He honestly didn’t know what to say. He still felt empty inside.
Felix wasn’t left alone at any point, except when he went to bed. During those times, the voices would come back to haunt him if he wasn’t sufficiently tired. Luckily for him, somebody was always awake and willing to chat with him until he felt tired. Usually, it was Chan who was awake, but Jisung, Changbin, and Hyunjin were often awake as well.
Felix did not get along with the first therapist he met, nor the second one. As they say, however, the third time’s the charm, so, seven weeks after his suicide attempt, Felix met up with a new therapist named Ms. Choi. She was the youngest out of all of the therapists he had seen, being in her late twenties. She was also an omega and a social worker and was very kind in the way she worded things.
Her therapy office was brightly colored and full of toys. She mostly worked with kids, but she did work with adults as well. She sat in a plush chair across from the patient while Felix sat on a loveseat. Pictures of her dachshund littered the walls, the little dog looking cute as a button. Ms. Choi’s hair was so very blond and it kind of made Felix want to try it out. He had never experimented with hair dye before, but it seemed kind of nice.
“So, Felix,” Ms. Choi said, her voice deceptively high-pitched for her age. “Mind telling me what you want to get out of therapy?”
“Oh, um… I guess… to get better,” Felix mumbled, glancing between the floor and the young woman.
“Mm, that’s pretty general. Do you mind narrowing it down a bit? What parts of you do you want to get better?” she queried.
“I…” Felix, despite saying this to the past two therapists, he still had trouble getting the words out. “I tried to kill myself almost two months ago. So I want… To not feel like doing that anymore.”
She nodded, her eyes crinkling up with concern. “I’m so sorry you went through that, Felix. We undoubtedly want to get working on that. Are you still experiencing suicidal ideation?”
“Sometimes,” Felix admitted. “I haven’t made a plan or anything, but I still wish a lot of the times that I succeeded.”
Ms. Choi nodded once more. “Sometimes it’s really hard to be alive, Felix. I completely understand where you’re coming from–I was diagnosed with depression when I was fourteen, and I tried to take my life when I was fifteen. I felt like I should have succeeded for a long time after. But therapy helped me when I found the right therapist. I still see him to this day. I hope I can be that kind of person for you.”
Something about her words of encouragement and understanding made Felix relax a little bit more. He had weekly appointments with her from then on and he slowly began opening up about the depression he had felt for years. She gave him practical advice and assisted him with learning techniques to help him work through the depression. With that and a switch in medication, Felix was surprised to find himself smiling for no reason one day. He still had quite a few down days, but there were times when he felt better, too.
Felix began baking again, being careful not to burn himself and start up that cycle of self-harm again. He made sweets for not only his family but his friends as well. He was able to go out to hang out with them again and while his thoughts automatically went to the place that he was hated, Chan always seemed to know when something was wrong. He would wrap his arm around Felix and whisper in his ear that he was so glad that Felix was here to hang out. Felix clung to those words.
“I think I want to be a pastry chef,” he admitted to his mom one day as he iced some sugar cookies that were shaped like shamrocks for Saint Patrick’s Day.
“Really? I think that would suit you wonderfully, son,” she said honestly.
“Then, I guess I better go to culinary school,” Felix joked.
“We can get you into one if that’s what you really want,” his mom said.
Felix hesitated, pulling back from icing the cookie. “Really? Would it be okay with you if I went to culinary school?”
“Of course,” she replied. “As long as you’re happy, your father and I would love to support your dreams.”
Felix hesitated. “Let me talk it over with Ms. Choi first and then we can see, okay?”
Ms. Choi happened to think it was a wonderful idea. Felix then talked it over with Hyunjin and Chan as he delivered their cookies, and they both agreed as well that Felix would make a wonderful pastry chef. Chan even ruffled his hair a little bit, grinning at him. Felix’s heart skipped a beat, but he just smiled like always. In the end, he and his mom did a bunch of research and found out that there was a nice culinary school in the next city over, although Felix would have to wait until autumn to get started. Still, it was a step in the right direction.
The next time Felix got his hair cut, he also requested to bleach it. He had it cropped fairly short but with some longer hair on top. He grinned at himself in the mirror, loving the results. He was meeting with Chan later that day and, even though he had completely given up on Chan falling in love with him, he wanted to see how he would react in person. He was completely bare-faced today as well, his freckles on display. He had been wearing heavy makeup less and less often, trying to learn how to love the freckles that dotted all over his head.
When Chan knocked on his door, he answered it with a beaming smile, feeling slightly good about himself for once. Chan’s eyes widened significantly, his mouth forming a perfect little “o.” Even after Felix let him in, Chan’s eyes didn’t stray from Felix’s hair, his ears turning quite red.
“You bleached your hair!” Chan exclaimed.
“Yeah, I’ve wanted to for a while,” Felix admitted, closing the door behind Chan. “I really like it.”
“It looks great! And your freckles are showing today… Shit, Lix, you look really adorable,” he said with an almost shy giggle.
“Thanks, Chan,” Felix said with a grin as the two boys made their way upstairs toward his room. “I’m really happy with it.”
“I can tell. That was the biggest smile you’d given me in a while,” Chan said with a laugh. “I’m so glad.”
Felix and Chan were getting along even better than they ever had. Hyunjin was nervous about Felix overextending himself emotionally again, but thanks to the help given by Ms. Choi, Felix was feeling a lot healthier about his relationship with Chan. Chan was someone that they talked about a lot in therapy since he had been the initial catalyst for Felix’s depression. They worked on a lot of coping strategies and Felix spoke openly about how important Chan was to him and how he didn’t think he would ever be able to love someone as much as he loved him. She had been quite insistent that he would find someone, but Felix simply couldn’t imagine something like that.
It was the start of summer when something changed. Hyunjin had been the first one to notice it just before they were painting their toenails together one day. Hyunjin began sniffing the air as Felix pinked out some blue nail polish, slowly making his way over to Felix. Felix jumped a little as Hyunjin suddenly buried his nose in Felix’s neck.
“Oh my god, what are you doing, Jinnie?” Felix asked, attempting to pull away.
“Lixie, your scent is changing,” Hyunjin gasped excitedly, sitting up properly. “You smell like strawberries and cream!”
“What? It is?” Felix asked, eyes widening and clapping his hands over his neck.
“Yeah, oh my god! You smell like an omega, too, so I was totally right! You’re just a late bloomer,” Hyunjin exclaimed, grinning widely.
Felix brought his hand to his nose hesitantly, smelling just a whiff of strawberry. “I… That can’t be right. I’m going to be a beta.”
“No, Lixie, you are absolutely going to be an omega. I need an omega buddy! You just have to be an omega, please,” Hyunjin begged.
Felix couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s not like I can control it!”
“Yes you can, because I said so!” Hyunjin huffed, grabbing a bright red colored nail polish. “Will yourself into being an omega, Felix Lee!”
“Yes, sir,” Felix said with a laugh.
Felix’s family were the next ones to notice, a couple of days later, confirming that he did smell like strawberries and cream. Felix’s parents smelled fairly neutral since they were betas, with his mother smelling like basil and his father like fresh linens. His older sister, who had also presented as a beta, smelled like rosemary. Felix’s scent wasn’t like any of their scents and while he was aware of that, he just couldn’t picture himself as anything besides a beta.
He went over to Chan’s house a few days later and Chan instantly turned bright red, eyes widening. “Whoa, Felix, you smell… Really good.”
Felix couldn’t help but flush a little at those words, tucking some hair behind his ear and grinning up at his friend. “Really? It just happened a few days ago.”
“Yeah, like… It’s crazy good, Lix,” Chan said, his cheeks scarlet. “You should be careful when you go out in public because you’ll be turning heads.”
Felix laughed and gently pushed him. “Okay, now you’re going too far, Channie. There’s no way that’s true! You can just say I smell nice, you don’t have to go that far to convince me.”
“‘M not lying,” Chan mumbled before quickly changing the subject to what they were going to do that day.
As they cuddled while watching a movie together, Felix could remember from his high school freshman sexual education class that enjoying a scent a lot implied meant that there was good compatibility. If Felix truly smelled that good to Chan… No, he couldn’t hope like this. Hoping was how he got emotionally destroyed in the first place. He refused to hope that he would be an omega and he refused to hope that Chan was actually attracted to him. That was just leading to heartbreak. If these things turned out to be true, then fantastic, but he would not hope for it.
Felix was feeling better than he had in a long time. The medication that he dutifully took every night, the more open communication, the therapy… It was all accumulating in a happier Felix. He was feeling like he was earning the nickname “sunshine” for the first time in years. It was strange because even at the beginning of the year, he was still considering suicide, but now he felt so much better. There were very few days that Felix still considered that out, but they were still there. On those days, he would force himself out of bed and talk with his mom for a long while, or, if she wasn’t home, he would call up one of his friends who had a little bit of time to talk. Because of how many of them there were, someone was always ready to talk.
Felix took a short trip for four days with his friends to the beach, something Felix didn’t know he needed. The sunshine, the burning sand, and the cold ocean all called to him. He even got some ice cream, licking it at a leisurely pace, completely unaware that Chan’s eyes kept flitting over to him. Felix did notice, however, that Chan had kept up with his physical training, and his previously boyish body was much more of a manly body at this point. He wanted to grope all of those muscles fiercely, but instead, he kept it all inside.
At one point, Felix went to the bathroom and, while he was making his way back to their towels, a couple of guys stopped him. They were fairly good-looking, but something about the way they looked at him made him a bit nervous. He knew he had a small and lithe body, but these guys were looking at him like they wanted to eat him.
“Hey, baby, we saw you from a ways away, and you’re pretty cute,” one of the guys said, his smile a tad skeevy.
“Oh, um, thanks. I should get back to my friends,” Felix mumbled, attempting to sidestep them.
“Hang on, we didn’t even get to ask if you’re seeing anyone. You smell so nice, a pretty omega like you has to have a date, right?” the other guy said, stepping in front of Felix.
“Oh, um, I’m actually not presented. And, um, I’m not really interested, so,” Felix tried, nervously trying to step around once more.
Once more, the two men stepped in front of him. “Aww, come on. I’m sure you’re gonna be an omega. You’re so hot, there’s no way you’re not. Come on, we’ll get you a couple of drinks, that’ll make you feel better.”
“I said I’m not interested,” Felix said, a bit firmer this time.
“Aww, you’re not even trying to give us a shot!”
“He said no,” a voice came firmly behind the two men. Felix, despite himself, felt intense relief as he saw the two men part to reveal Chan. Felix quickly used this opportunity to run around the men, grabbing onto Chan’s arm.
“I have a boyfriend,” Felix said, nuzzling into Chan.
“That’s right. Come on, Lix,” Chan said, the first part loud enough for the two men to hear but the second part quiet enough for only Felix.
“Thank you,” Felix murmured when they were far enough away that the men surely wouldn’t be able to hear them.
“No problem. Guys who don’t take no for an answer are the worst,” Chan muttered. “No way I’m letting dudes like that get close to my Felix.”
“Oh, I’m your Felix, am I?” Felix asked, laughing and poking Chan’s cheek.
“Of course you are! And I’m your Chan,” Chan replied, snorting.
Felix tried to ignore the wooshing in his stomach, a silly smile on his face. Although they were just joking around, Felix secretly wished that Chan was being serious somewhere deep down. Chan had taken to the “boyfriend” thing so quickly that Felix almost believed that Chan wanted that title. All he had to do was ask, and Felix would happily give it to him.
Felix, Chan, Hyunjin, and Changbin all shared a room, with Felix and Chan in one bed and Hyunjin and Changbin in the other. It had been a long time since Felix had shared a bed with Chan, probably since they were children. Felix was hesitant about reaching out to cuddle Chan all night, but he didn’t have to worry, because Chan held him instead. Chan held tightly onto Felix, leaving Felix smiling into his neck.
The next day, while Changbin and Hyunjin were taking care of their morning routines in the bathroom, Chan made a nervous proposal. “Hey, Felix… I have an idea.”
“An idea?” Felix asked, blinking and looking up somewhat blearily from his phone.
“Yeah, I, uh… I was thinking, to keep people away today, I could maybe scent you,” Chan said, anxiously scratching his cheek. “I mean, if don’t want to, that’s totally fine, but I was just thinking, I mean, if you’re interested in having a hookup while we’re out here, then I definitely won’t, but I-”
“Chan, breathe,” Felix said, his smile so wide it was hurting his cheeks. “Yes, you can scent me.”
Chan let out a breath, his eyes wide. “O- oh? You’re sure?”
“Yeah, I don’t want anyone coming up to me. It’d be nice to have you scent me,” Felix said.
Chan didn’t need to be told twice, quickly getting onto the bed beside Felix. He took a deep breath, apparently steadying himself. Although Felix knew that scenting was usually done by romantic partners, he knew that friends and family could scent as well. Still, this was his first time getting scented and he was glad that it was with Chan. It wasn’t a romantic thing, Chan was just trying to help him not have a repeat of yesterday.
Chan leaned in and began to nuzzle Felix’s neck, something that tickled a little bit. Chan’s movements were slow and deliberate, letting out plenty of pheromones. Felix had never been the subject of his pheromones quite like this before and it was quite intoxicating. He had heard that alpha pheromones could make people more submissive, but he didn’t fully realize it until he was baring his neck to the other man. He couldn’t stop the pleased noise in his throat, deep and rumbling.
“That should be good,” Chan whispered, pulling away and looking hesitantly into Felix’s eyes.
“Oh…” Felix said, a little dazed from the cloud of scent. “Okay. Alpha pheromones are no joke, huh?”
“What do you mean?” Chan asked as an eyebrow lifted.
“Just… If you asked me to do something right now, I don’t know if I could say no,” Felix mumbled, shyly glancing away.
“Something… Like what?” Chan asked with a hint of something serious in his tone.
“Um…” Felix began.
“Okay, the bathroom’s free!” Hyunjin exclaimed, getting out of the bathroom. “Whoa, why does it smell like Chan out here?”
After a quick explanation, Hyunjin and Changbin nodded as if they understood. When Chan was in the bathroom, however, Hyunjin quietly asked if Felix was okay with being scented by Chan. While yes, it did bring up some bittersweet feelings, Felix was just enjoying being covered in Chan’s smell. It felt like he had a piece of the man with him, wherever he went. It was comforting in a way.
“You two seem even closer than before,” Changbin commented, pulling on his socks.
“I agree, they do,” Hyunjin said. “Half of the time when I’m texting Felix, he’s hanging out with Chan.”
“Well, Chan lives two houses down from me during summer vacation,” Felix protested. “It’s just so easy to hang out with him!”
“Uh-huh. That’s totally why you’re hanging out with Chan so much,” Hyunjin said, rolling his eyes.
“Hey!” Felix objected, glancing over to Changbin.
“I already know, Felix. And no, Hyunjin didn’t tell me,” Changbin snorted.
Felix groaned. “Do you think Channie has any idea?”
“Not a single idea,” Changbin replied. “Although I often wish he would get a clue, at least for your sake.”
“Does anyone else know?” Felix asked, nervously glancing between the two men.
Changbin and Hyunjin glanced at each other before Hyunjin carefully responded, “Well… I mean…”
“They all know, don’t they?” Felix groaned.
Hyunjin and Changbin nodded sympathetically. Felix let out another groan, rubbing his temples. Had he been so obvious? Well, at least Chan didn’t seem to know, that was good. Felix didn’t want to imagine Chan officially rejecting him. He wouldn’t be able to handle hearing the words, “I just see you as a brother.” It would surely send him into a depression spiral that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to crawl out of.
Felix started school and was immediately overwhelmed by it. It felt like everyone was ahead of him like they all knew what they wanted to do by the time they were ten years old. Felix wasn’t as good with flavors outside of the sweet realm, so it took a lot of trial and error for him to figure out what tasted nice together. He could follow a recipe to a T, but fuck if he knew how to make up Southern chicken and dumpling recipe on his own.
One day, he got low marks on some of the food he made, along with being late to school, someone spilling their coffee on him on his way to school, and him waking up to a giant cockroach in the bathroom. Rejection had never been easy for Felix, but somehow knowing that he had failed in his passion made it all the worse. He came home and didn’t bother with dinner, instead going up to his room and curling up in his bed with his Wolf plushie. Despite his best attempts, once he was all snuggled up, he felt tears beginning to pour down his face.
For the first time since early spring, Felix got the itch to cut. He began idly scratching at his wrist, leaving a red mark there. When he realized what he was doing, he felt guilt swallow him up. However, he also knew that he needed some help. So he sent a text to the group chat, asking if anyone was available to talk. Chan replied almost immediately that he could be there in ten minutes since he was in the area.
Felix waited for him, trying very hard to stop crying. However, when the older man arrived, Felix still had stray tears dripping down his face. Chan let himself into Felix’s room and instantly got into his bed, wrapping his arms around Felix. For a moment, neither of them said anything, with Felix just attempting to calm down a little bit before he could properly tell Chan what was going on.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on, sunshine?” Chan asked quietly.
Felix forced out a laugh. “I’m not very sunshine-y right now, Chan.”
“You’re always my sunshine, though, even when there are rain clouds around,” Chan hummed into Felix’s hair.
Felix felt a bitter smile on his face. “I just… I had a really bad day and I… I dunno, I’m worried that I’ll hurt myself if I don’t distract myself from it.”
“Oh, Lix,” Chan sighed, squeezing Felix just a little closer. “I’m so glad you asked for help. I’m here for you. Do you want to talk about it or would you rather talk about something else?”
“I- I wanna talk about it, but that might make me cry more,” Felix mumbled.
“It’s okay if you cry, Felix. Whatever you need, I’m here for you,” Chan murmured.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m certain.”
Felix explained his day to Chan, feeling now like it was mostly silly little things that shouldn’t have gotten to him as much as they did. However, even so, he did end up crying a little bit more, sniffing pathetically into Chan’s neck. Luckily for him, Chan seemed to be putting out more pheromones than usual, which helped to calm him down a bit more. The lovely scent of cinnamon almost made him sleepy.
“I’m so sorry you had such a rough day,” Chan murmured into Felix’s hair when he was finally done talking. “Is there anything I can do to make it better?”
“Cuddle me more,” Felix answered simply, his eyes half closed.
Chan did so, giving him a little squeeze. Then, quite suddenly, something began to change in Chan’s behavior. He began nuzzling Felix, not just on the top of his head, but also on his neck and cheeks as well. It took a moment for Felix to realize what was happening, but when he did, he couldn’t help but dazedly ask.
“Chan, are you scenting me?” Felix asked.
Chan froze for a few seconds before pulling back. “I- I’m so sorry, Lix, that was an entirely hindbrain thing, I wasn’t even thinking–”
“It’s okay, I just… I wasn’t expecting it,” Felix admitted, cheeks no longer stained with tears but rather a rouge. “You can keep going if you want.”
“I- are you sure, Felix?” Chan asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, of course. I like having your scent on me, it makes me feel like you’re always nearby,” Felix affirmed.
Chan gulped nervously but hesitantly leaned back in and began scenting Felix once more. Felix’s eyes fluttered shut, his heart racing. It felt so nice to be smothered in Chan’s scent; it was almost intoxicating. Felix’s body went limp as his brain chanted over and over again, My alpha, my alpha, my alpha! It felt more intimate than the last time they did it because they were alone in Felix’s room.
“That should be good,” Chan muttered, pulling away just slightly. “My Lixie…”
Felix couldn’t stop the smile that made its way onto his face as he looked at the man he loved so dearly. “Thank you, Channie. I like when you scent me.”
“I like scenting you,” Chan confessed, his cheeks red now.
Felix let out a little sigh, very content after all of the cuddling and now smelling like Chan. “I’m hungry. Do you wanna go get some McDonald’s?”
Chan laughed, slightly surprised. “Sure, Lixie. Anything you need.”
Near the end of the year, Felix found out that his parents and sisters were going to a dance competition for his younger sister, but Felix would not be able to join due to when his first semester ended. That meant that he was going to be left all alone in the house for four whole days. And while as a twenty-year-old, he could handle it, his family was more nervous that this was the first time he would be alone in the house since just over a year ago, when Felix attempted to end his own life.
“We’re going to have Chan check on you, okay?” his mother said, patting his cheeks.
“That’s fine, Mom,” Felix responded easily.
“And you can have your friends over whenever you need them, just don’t mess up the house too badly, okay?” his father replied.
“I really do think I’ll be okay, but thank you,” Felix replied.
“We just want you to be safe,” his mother said.
“I’ve been talking with Ms. Choi about this, so I promise that I’ll be okay. I’m not about to do anything.”
As the time for them to leave approached, Felix couldn’t help but notice that he had been acting… odd recently. Not odd as in bad, just odd in general. He had been feeling a bit more sensitive than normal, crying over things he normally didn’t cry over, things like Disney movies and cute animal videos.
And then there was… whatever he was doing to his bed. The amalgamation of sheets and blankets and clothing somehow comforted him intensely. He knew that anyone else would probably call it “nesting,” including his therapist, but he was still in denial that he could be an omega. He was not nesting, because he was not an omega. Although he did admit that the pile of blankets and clothes would be much better if he had a few of Chan’s sweatshirts to put in. The scent of cinnamon was missing from this… whatever it was.
The day that they were leaving, his mom said something that frankly jolted him while he watched her pack her little suitcase. “Felix, why are you spreading so many pheromones? I can smell your room from down the hallway.”
“Um, I’m not doing it on purpose,” Felix said with a nervous laugh.
“Well, if you’re about to present, don’t, because we won’t be able to take care of you until you get back,” his mom said with an eyebrow raised.
“It’s not like it’s going to be a problem even if I do. I’m probably going to be a beta, just like you,” Felix insisted.
“Oh, sure, honey. Whatever you say. If you do go into heat, please call up Chan and let him know not to visit. We wouldn’t want you getting pregnant,” she said all too casually.
Felix’s cheeks resembled apples more than normal flesh at that remark. “Mom! Even if I was in heat, Chan would never do that!”
She gave him a look. “Really, Felix? That boy has been scenting you every time he sees you for the past month. He’s not just interested in you, he’s got it bad . Then there’s the way he looks at you when he thinks you’re not looking… Oh, and how about the way he talks about you? He’s completely in love with you. We approve, by the way, and will be happy to have him as a son-in-law someday.”
“No way! There’s no way!” Felix exclaimed. “Don’t try to get my hopes up, Mom! Jeez!”
“I’m not trying to get your hopes up, but I am hoping that it’ll help you make a move so the rest of your family doesn’t have to watch you two dance circles around each other,” his mother said mildly.
Felix’s family left the house an hour after, leaving him in the silence of his home for the first time in a long time. It was only the early afternoon and Chan wouldn’t be around until around dinnertime, so he opted to connect his Switch to the television. He played Mario Kart for a couple of hours before he noticed that he was starting to get warm. He walked over to the air conditioner’s controls, taking a look to see why it was so hot. However, it didn’t appear to be that the air conditioning had turned up too much. It was barely seventy degrees, a little cooler than normal.
Felix figured it must have been his clothes since he was wearing a hoodie and thick sweatpants. He jogged up the stairs and got changed into a tee and thinner pants. However, as he did so, his eyes kept flickering to the mess on his bed. Something had fallen out of place and he needed to fix it, as well as maybe add the clothes he had been wearing to the pile. In the end, he couldn’t resist and began nitpicking at the clothes and blankets, humming to himself as he worked. It strangely soothed him.
Felix could feel his brain getting strangely fuzzy, but he figured that he was probably just running a little fever. That would explain why he was so hot and sweaty as well. He texted Chan to warn him that he had caught some sort of fever, so he needed to be careful. Chan sent a thumbs-up emoji before saying that he was bringing snacks. Felix smiled a little bit at the texts, his brain cloudy. Some part of him was so pleased that his alpha would be here for… for what? Felix had no idea.
Felix wandered downstairs, laying on the couch. He was starting to feel strangely needy, like there was something he wanted, but he didn’t know what it was. He wanted and he wanted badly. Felix felt something wet dripping onto the back of his pants, but before he could even reach back to find out what it was, he heard the doorbell ring. Felix let out a throaty chirp as he popped off the couch because alpha was here! Alpha would know what to do and how to take care of him.
Felix threw open the door, a disoriented smile on his face. “Hi, Channie…”
Chan beamed back at him for a moment, holding two grocery bags filled with snacks. However, he instantly stiffened up the instant he smelled Felix, his eyes wide. The smell was overpowering and delectable. He nervously licked the bottom of his lips, noting Felix’s flushed face and half-lidded eyes.
“I… I don’t think I should come in after all, Lixie,” Chan said carefully.
Instantly Felix’s dreamy face was replaced by a stricken one. “Alpha’s leaving?”
Oh . Chan swallowed heavily, blood rushing to his groin. He had to be the logical one in this situation and he definitely couldn’t take advantage of Felix’s first heat, but god damn it, was Felix making it difficult. Changbin had mentioned that it was really hot when Hyunjin called him alpha, but Chan didn’t get it up until Felix did it.
“I just… Felix, if I come in there, I’m going to end up doing things to you that you won’t like,” Chan managed out, his voice high-pitched and strained.
“I like anything alpha does to me,” Felix said with a little giggle.
“Felix, you are in heat. You need to get back inside and go into your room,” Chan said firmly.
“You’re coming with me, right?” Felix asked, pouting. “I’ve been waiting all day for you…”
“Felix,” Chan said, his voice strangled.
“Please, Channie… I- I’ve been wanting something all day, but now I know it’s you I want. Please come in and take care of me, alpha.”
“I… I want to,” Chan said. “But won’t you regret it?”
Felix fiercely shook his head. “Would never regret it with Channie.”
Chan could not take this any longer. “How lucid are you, Felix?”
“Lucid enough,” Felix said, eyes drooping down towards Chan’s crotch. “Need it, Chan.”
Chan felt terrible, but his inner alpha was screaming at him that his omega was begging for his knot and he just couldn’t say no. So, instead, he silently stepped inside, leaving Felix to make pleased chirping noises. Felix closed the door behind Chan and instantly wrapped his arms around Chan’s waist, nuzzling into his neck.
“Let me put these snacks down and then alpha will take care of you, okay?” Chan said.
“Alpha’s knot…” Felix breathed, sending more blood rushing down toward Chan’s cock.
After Chan put the snacks down on the dining room table, his hands instantly found themselves on Felix’s hips. Felix giggled and nuzzled into Chan’s neck, his body pressing up against Chan’s as much as possible. Felix let out a tiny gasp as Chan suddenly picked him up, carrying him bridal style. He giggled and wrapped his arms loosely around Chan’s neck, leaning in to give him a peck on the cheek.
After Chan carried Felix into Felix’s bedroom, Chan let out a little noise of surprise. “Have you been nesting, baby? It looks so nice.”
Felix nodded eagerly, pressing another kiss to Chan’s jaw. “Like making it. Feels nice. Want your clothes for it, too.”
“Is it okay if we both get in it?” Chan asked.
“Want Channie in it,” Felix replied, nuzzling him.
Chan placed Felix in the nest first before getting in. Felix felt a deep sense of pride that his alpha liked his nest. He crawled onto Chan’s lap, wrapping his legs around his midsection. Chan’s strong hands gripped Felix’s waist so nicely. Maybe it was a bit weird, but Felix was loving how small he was compared to Chan at that moment. He was the same height as Chan, but he wanted to be a little omega in his big alpha’s care.
“Can I kiss you, Lix?” Chan asked breathily, looking deeply into Felix’s eyes.
Felix nodded, smiling a little shyly suddenly as he knew somewhere in the back of his mind that this was his first kiss. Chan slowly, slowly leaned in, his head tilting a little bit. Felix felt his warm breath against his lips and his eyes shut almost all the way. Chan paused for a moment right before kissing him, then, deciding that he truly did want this, he pressed his lips up against Felix’s as gently as possible. Felix let out a soft sigh, his eyes closing all the way as he kissed back just as sweetly.
Chan’s initial kisses were slow and warm, leaving Felix’s heart racing and his head even more full of cotton than before. One of Chan’s hands initially stroked his back, but it fairly quickly made its way to the back of Felix’s head, holding him steady. If Felix wasn’t so filled with want, he was fairly certain he could kiss Chan like that for hours and hours. However, Felix was filled with want, so he licked Chan’s lips, begging for entry, which he was quickly granted.
Their tongues met in the middle, slipping across each other. Felix had no idea if Chan had ever kissed someone before, but Felix hadn’t, so he honestly wasn’t sure of what he was doing. Still, Chan seemed to guide him along, licking all over inside his mouth and stroking the velvety muscle with his own. Felix felt Chan pushing him down, soon straddling him. Felix didn’t mind this position at all. If anything, it made it more real that Chan was going to fuck him, the thing that he needed.
Felix was vaguely aware of the fact that slick was beginning to do more than dribble out of him, so he pulled away, whining a little. “Alpha, need your knot!”
“Yeah, sorry,” Chan panted, face flushed. “Kissing you is nice, omega.”
Felix felt himself preening at being called “omega.” He let out some quiet sighs and even a couple of little moans as Chan began kissing and nipping at his neck. His brain was begging to be marked, but the barely there part of his brain that was logical said that they would at least need to date for a little while if Chan was going to mark him. They were already rushing into sex, they didn’t need to rush into everything else as well.
Chan tore Felix’s shirt off, tossing it away. He sat back on his heels, running his hands up and down Felix’s body. He had seen it many times before, but he had never been able to actually physically touch him before. He leaned over to leave a small love bite just under Felix’s collarbone. He licked and sucked his way down to one of Felix’s pecs, his hand running over Felix’s abs. He didn’t have the best six-pack, but it was undoubtedly there.
Chan rolled his tongue around Felix’s nipple, enticing Felix to let out a high-pitched moan. “Alpha…”
One of Chan’s hands reached up to Felix’s other nipple, stroking it with his thumb. He gently rolled the nipple between his teeth, earning him more whimpers. Chan softly sucked on his nipple before switching sides, determined to play with both of them to his heart’s desire. Felix gripped Chan’s shoulders, not very subtly feeling him up. Felix has always liked Chan’s muscles, even when they were skinny little kids, and now that he was ripped, Felix was practically obsessed.
Chan’s hands made their way to the waistband of Felix’s pants, quickly pulling them down and tossing them away. After tossing Felix’s pants, Chan removed his own shirt. Felix let a stupid smile make its way onto his face as he looked at Chan’s shirtless form, a purring noise making itself known in Felix’s throat.
“Enjoying the view, baby?” Chan asked, looking amused.
Felix nodded vehemently, reaching out to touch Chan’s abs. He stroked up and down them a couple of times, his fingers running over the divots in Chan’s body. Much to Chan’s surprise, they began to move further and further down before gently stroking over his erection. Chan let out a low groan, his hips automatically thrusting forward. Felix made another pleased sound, gently squeezing Chan’s dick.
“Alpha’s so hard,” Felix murmured, his eyes half-lidded. “Want him to knot me good.”
“Fuck, Lix, you can’t just say that,” Chan groaned, grabbing the waistband of his own pants and tugging them down.
“Please, want you, alpha,” Felix whined, holding out his arms.
“Yes, sorry, I’m gonna fuck you,” Chan replied, pulling off his boxers as well, revealing his larger-than-average cock.
Felix licked his lips, eyes full of desire as he gazed up and down Chan’s dick. Felix was so caught up in his alpha’s dick that he didn’t notice that Chan was pulling off his boxer briefs until he suddenly jerked forward a bit. Felix lifted his legs to make it easier and Chan swore up a storm.
“Omega, you’re so wet,” he groaned.
“‘Cause of you, alpha,” Felix replied, spreading his legs wide open when Chan had finally wrestled his underwear off. “Make me feel so good.”
Chan let out another string of curse words as he knelt between Felix’s legs. His hands grabbed Felix’s asscheeks, spreading them out so he could get a better look at the weeping hole. His right hand slowly slipped over, his middle finger sliding over the top of Felix’s hole. Felix let out a shuddering whine, which was all the encouragement that Chan needed to slowly push his finger into the hole.
Felix groaned at the feeling, but it wasn’t enough. “More, Chan. Please, more, more, more!” Even when the second and the third fingers entered him, it wasn’t enough. Felix needed more. “Please, please, Chris , just put it inside!”
Felix very rarely referred to Chan by his first name and it was usually when Chan was in trouble with Felix. Hearing Felix call him that in this situation just about made Chan lose his mind. He instantly withdrew his fingers, rubbing the slick all over his cock. Chan pressed the blunt head up against Felix’s desperately wanting hole and gave one last glance up at Felix’s expression to make sure that he wasn’t about to do something he hated before he began to push into Felix.
Felix let out a needy, high-pitched cry, his head rolling back. This, this was what he needed. His legs trembled as Chan pushed further and further in, further than Felix even knew was possible. Felix’s mouth fell open once more, a soundless cry on his lips. He could practically feel it up in his throat by the time Chan bottomed out, his hips flush with Felix’s ass.
“You okay, omega?” Chan asked, so softly and gently.
“B- big,” Felix managed out.
“Yeah, sorry,” Chan whispered, leaning down to press a kiss on Felix’s neck.
“Alpha’s inside me,” Felix whimpered.
Chan hummed an agreeable sound. “That’s right.”
“Gonna give me pups?” Felix asked dazedly.
“Yeah, Lixie, gonna give you pups. As many as you want,” Chan agreed immediately.
Felix smiled and giggled, wrapping his arms around Chan’s neck. “Fuck me, alpha.”
Chan did not have to be told twice. He pulled out to the point that the head of his cock was the only thing inside before pushing it back in. Felix let out a low groan, his head falling back against the bed. He was burning up on the inside in a way he didn’t know he could. He felt whole and complete as well in a way he hadn’t known was possible. In Chan’s arms was where he belonged and nothing had ever felt more right.
Chan was kissing along Felix’s neck, nibbling here and there. He slowly dragged his cock in and out, making Felix whimper and moan. Felix dragged his nails across Chan’s back, his eyes fluttering open and shut. Chan carefully angled his thrust a little bit differently and that made all the difference.
“Chris!” Felix cried, his eyes rolling back. “There, there, there, please!”
“Anything for you, Lix,” Chan breathed, thrusting up into Felix’s prostate once more. Felix let out another cry, his body rolling into Chan’s without him even thinking.
Felix’s brain was completely hazed by pleasure at this point and all he could think about was taking Chan’s knot. The logical part of his brain was completely gone at this point, and he just wanted Chan. Felix would never be happier than he was right now, completely lost to his hind mind and sex. He was going to get bred and have Chan’s pups and then get marked by Chan. He needed to belong completely and utterly to Chan because his heart and mind already did.
“Lix, I’m not gonna last long if you keep clenching onto me like that, baby,” Chan groaned.
“Want your knot,” was all Felix could whine in response, squeezing down even more.
“Fuck,” Chan cursed, burrowing his head into Felix’s shoulder. He began speeding up his thrusts, biting at Felix’s shoulder since he knew he couldn’t bite Felix’s neck. Felix bounced with the movement, scratching at Chan’s back. Chan would probably have red scratches down his back tomorrow, but he did not care in the least. The most important thing right now was giving Felix exactly what he needed.
Chan suddenly pulled out of Felix, much to the dismay of the younger. “Channie, no!”
“I’m just gonna flip you over so you feel more comfortable when I’m stuck in you, Lix,” Chan said, doing exactly that.
Felix laid on his stomach, feeling Chan enter him again. He moaned, feeling Chan immediately pressing up against his prostate. Chan burrowed his face into Felix’s neck, breathing in Felix’s pheromones like it was going to save his life. Felix gasped as he felt Chan’s knot beginning to expand, the desire curling up inside of him like nothing he had experienced before.
“Chris! Chris!” Felix sobbed into the mattress, desperately clinging to the bed as if his life depended on it.
“Omega,” Chan moaned against Felix’s neck. “So good…”
Felix began babbling nonsense, unable to keep his words in order as he felt Chan’s knot catch on his rim, making him officially unable to pull out now. It didn’t take much longer for Chan to let out a low groan, coming inside Felix. Felix’s eyes rolled back once more, the feeling of hot spunk hitting his inner walls being enough to send him over the edge. He came undone, his entire brain going white. Then, suddenly, everything went black.
When Felix woke up, he heard birds outside, indicating that it was the next morning. His brain was a lot more together, although he still felt a bit hazy. He realized quite suddenly that Chan wasn’t in the room and he couldn’t help but let out a little whimper. He then noticed that there was a sheet of paper on his nightstand, with his name in big, block letters. He grabbed it, opening up and feeling slight relief at the message. It said that Chan was either heading to the store really quick or downstairs making breakfast for the two of them.
Felix got off the bed, wincing a bit at the pain in his ass. He was incredibly nervous if he was being honest with himself. He didn’t know what to expect from Chan now that they had sex. Looking back on it, he had no idea why Chan stepped through that door. Chan had thought of Felix as his brother for so long, would he be disgusted with Felix and how his pheromones affected him?
Felix pulled on some pants and a shirt, very aware of how come-stained his bed was. He still had come inside of him, which was another thing that made him nervous. Chan had knotted inside of him just like he wanted, but now he needed to worry about getting pregnant. Shit, that’s right, he could get pregnant. Felix hadn’t fully come to terms with the fact that he was an omega, let alone this drastic change in Felix and Chan’s relationship.
Felix walked downstairs slowly and felt his nerves abate a bit as he saw Chan working on mixing something up. Felix stopped a couple of stairs before the first floor, watching Chan pour milk into a bowl. Felix stood there for a moment, nervous energy buzzing around in his stomach. However, as though sensing that Felix was staring at him, Chan looked over to the stairs suddenly, his eyes wide.
“Lix,” he greeted the other man breathily.
“Chan,” Felix barely got out above a whisper, taking the final few steps.
“I’m, uh… I’m making pancakes. I know how much you love them, so,” Chan said awkwardly, scratching behind his ear.
“Thank you,” Felix murmured, hesitantly making his way over into the kitchen. “Do you need help?”
“Uh, no, but, uh, let me get you some water. I got you a morning-after pill,” Chan said, pulling open a cupboard and grabbing a glass.
Felix’s inner omega dug its heels into the ground, not wanting to get rid of the “pups” that were supposedly inside of him. However, Felix was aware enough to know this was a good idea. Chan pulled the box out of a shopping bag, opened it up quickly, and handed the pill off to Felix along with the glass. Felix stared at the pill for probably what was longer than necessary before he popped it into his mouth and swallowed it with some water.
“So, uh, Felix,” Chan began awkwardly, turning up the heat under a frying pan. “I think we probably ought to have a little bit of a talk, don’t you?”
“Probably,” Felix agreed, his voice quiet and nervous as he leaned against a counter.
“I, um, I just want to make sure… D- did you actually want me, or was it just the pheromones talking? It’s fine either way, I just want to know, you know, because, uh, well… I mean, it’s an important distinction, you know?” Chan said, his voice high-pitched and plainly anxious.
Felix was quiet for a moment, trying to decide how to answer. Of course, he was out of it and the pheromones made him honest, but Felix did want him. Even though he was nervous about this confrontation, inside he was overjoyed that he gave so many of his firsts to Chan. In the end, he decided to be honest, because Chan deserved to know the truth.
“I mean, I… I wanted you,” Felix mumbled, looking down.
“Yeah?” Chan’s voice cracked as he put the first round of pancake batter on the pan. “Really? You wouldn’t have just gone for the first alpha that came around?”
Felix felt his face redden more than he thought was possible. “N- no, I… It was because it was Channie… I knew I’d be safe with you…”
“Y- yeah, you’re right, I’d never hurt you,” Chan agreed, his laugh afterward a little bit manic.
“Um… what about you? Were my pheromones…?” Felix was unable to complete that question.
“I mean, uh, they were affecting me, but I still had my mind about me,” Chan admitted. Felix noticed that his ears were bright red.
“R- really? I thought… I mean, since you’re always calling me your little brother, I thought it had to be the pheromones,” Felix said, glancing up at him.
“I mean, uh… Yeah, that definitely isn’t something you do with your little brother,” Chan admitted, his eyes trained on the pancake.
“So, does this mean… Are you sexually attracted to me?” Felix asked, his heart pounding out of his chest.
“Shit,” Chan hissed, flipping the pancake. “Shit, shit, shit… I…” He trailed off.
“Chan, I’m not gonna be upset. I just want to know the truth,” Felix said, partially lying. He was getting dangerously close to the place where Chan could reject him.
Chan placed both hands on his hips, looking at the ceiling with a groan. “Okay, okay, I… Felix, I’m going to be honest and talk with you about this like an adult. I just… Promise you won’t hate me at the end of this conversation, okay?”
“I could never hate you,” Felix replied automatically.
“All right. You keep that promise, because, uh, I’m about to word vomit and it’s gonna be not so pretty, okay? Okay, great. So, basically, we’ve been friends since you were three years old, right? Seventeen years now. During our childhood, I truthfully did think of you as my brother and I adored you like one. You were so fucking cute, I could barely stand it. I did everything in my power to make sure you were safe and having fun because that’s all that really mattered to me. You were beyond precious to me.
“Well, as we grew up, I started making friends outside of you, like Minho and Changbin. That was great, don’t get me wrong, but you were always special to me, and I knew that. You were my precious baby brother and I adored you so much. I talked to Minho and Changbin about you a lot, talking about this cute thing you did or how you were so sweet. And like? It got worse as time went on? Like, when you started high school and we were hanging out more and more, I just found that I couldn’t shut up about you to them when you weren’t around. And finally, one day, Minho just said, ‘I don’t think you think of him as your little brother.’
“I thought that was crazy, like, no, of course, you’re my little brother. But then I started thinking about it more and more and then one day when you and I went to the pool together I realized, ‘Holy shit, Felix is hot.’ And that was extremely shocking for me because I realized that I was at least physically attracted to you and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had never had a crush on anyone before, so I didn’t know what that felt like.”
Chan placed the pancake on a plate he had prepared, his back turned to Felix so they couldn’t see each other. Felix stared at him with wide eyes and a pounding heart as Chan poured some more pancake batter onto the frying pan. Felix couldn’t hope. He just couldn’t hope. But what Chan was saying… what Chan was saying…!
“I talked to our friends because I was trying to get an idea what a crush was like, but every single one of them asked, ‘Is this about Felix?’ Like, all of them. Except for Hyunjin, because I was scared to ask him since you two were so close, that is. But like, the point is, all of them thought I had a crush on you. And while I was trying to figure out if I liked you or not, this one day you smiled this really genuine, big smile at me, and I was like, ‘ Oh .’ Like, it was a smile you had done a million times before, but the smile just hit me differently and I guess I might be sappy but I totally and completely fell for you then. Like, I liked you before, but this was to a whole different level. And I realized that I was dumb and that I was totally in love with you and had been for years.”
Felix couldn’t believe his ears. He wanted to collapse onto the ground he was so in shock, but he couldn’t bring himself to move a single muscle. His eyes were open wide, trained on Chan’s back as the man of his dreams continued not only making him pancakes but also told him about how much he loved Felix.
“So, I realized I fucked myself pretty quickly by continually calling you my brother for years and years and now I was certain that you just thought of me as your big brother. Like, and what could I do about it? It would seem weird if I stopped calling you my brother now, but I hated the way the words came out of my mouth. But also, you surely thought of me as your big brother, so I… I had to keep up the big brother act, even though I was completely, utterly, and even stupidly in love with you. So I kept it all in for years, just being your childhood friend and brother, because what else was I supposed to do? If I told you all of this, I might risk losing you forever, and I absolutely couldn’t do that.
“Do you remember when you stopped cuddling me for a little while because of that girl? Well, um, that girl never existed. I made her up. I was just coming up with something random so that I could keep you off my back about romance. I was so completely and utterly in love with you at that point that it was kind of pathetic. Like, the number of love songs I’ve written about you, Felix Lee? That’s tragic and pitiful. I was still trying to be happy to just be by your side as your brother and friend because I was pretty sure you would never allow me to love you in the way I wanted.
“And then… you tried to end it all.”
Chan went quiet for a moment, obviously gathering his thoughts. He flipped another pancake onto the plate and Felix wished he could see what sort of expression Chan was making. He was barely keeping it together as it was, his vision going blurry every so often. He wanted to wrap his arms around Chan and tell him that he absolutely loved him, too, but he needed to listen to the whole story, first.
“Your parents called my parents and they immediately called me. I pretty much went into shock, only able to tell everyone else because my parents said that I should tell everyone else. It felt like the biggest gut punch in the world, especially since at that point we weren’t sure if you were going to make it or not. I resolved to die if you did, too, because I just couldn’t imagine my life without you, Lix. I couldn’t believe that you had been in so much pain and none of us had noticed. I couldn’t believe I never noticed. I couldn’t believe I failed you.
“When you woke up and we got the confirmation that you’d be okay physically, I was so relieved. I knew how much you had to have been hurting for you to try… to do that, but I wanted to be selfish. I wanted you here, Felix, in any form that you would take. You were more precious to me than anything in the world, so I resolved to redouble my efforts. I would be anything you wanted, I would always make myself available to you, and I would support you as much as possible, just so long as I got to keep you here. I wanted to be close to you no matter what so that you would always have someone to lean on. I don’t know if I’ve particularly fulfilled that, but I… I’ve tried.
“Seeing you getting better and chasing after the things you want out of this life has made me happier than I can possibly say, but being so close to you also made me start feeling like I was having trouble containing my love for you. Like, when you dyed your hair blond? Fuck, so hot. It wasn’t even fair, with you not telling me. You look so good with blond hair. I mean, you looked good with black hair, too, don’t get me wrong, but the confidence you exuded that day drove me wild. Confident, happy Felix was so sexy to me that I could barely control myself.
“Anyway, not the point. You kept letting me in closer and closer, with us cuddling more often and you allowing me to scent you, that when you opened the door yesterday, I was already at my breaking point. I… I love you so much, Felix. It’s super embarrassing how whipped I am for you. I’d do anything or be anything for you, I promise. Even if that is kicking me out now that you’ve heard me blather on for so long about all of this bullshit. I- I understand if you don’t wanna be friends anymore, I just– Felix?”
Chan cut himself off as he felt arms slide around his midsection, Felix burying his face into Chan’s shoulder. Felix was trembling slightly as tears poured from his eyes openly. He couldn’t believe it. After all of this time, Chan had actually loved him for years. Felix had never felt happier in his entire life.
“You’re so stupid, Christopher Chan Bang…” Felix managed to sob out into his shoulder. “But so am I.”
“Wh- what do you mean?” Chan asked, sounding slightly panicked. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong, you idiot!” Felix cried, bringing his face up and resting his chin on Chan’s shoulder. “Everything is perfect, you stupid alpha! God, I can’t even get it together enough to tell you how I feel, I’m so overcome with emotions!”
“Good emotions or bad emotions?” Chan asked, laughing nervously.
“Good,” Felix replied, giving Chan a firm kiss on the cheek, which Chan seems to melt under. “Really good.”
“O- oh. So… you don’t think I’m gross or weird?” Chan asked, looking relieved.
“No, Channie, you’re not gross or weird. You’re perfect. I… I… Oh my god, Chan, I love you, too,” Felix sobbed out.
Chan’s eyes blew wide open, his jaw dropping. “You… what?”
“Pancake’s burning, Channie,” Felix says in response.
“Fuck, shit,” Chan mutters, quickly moving the half-burnt pancake off the pan. “Really, though, you what?”
“I love you, Chan,” Felix repeated, his smile wide and bright.
“You’re in love with me? Like, are you sure, or…?” Chan asked, in total disbelief.
“I’ve been in love with you forever, Channie. Since I was a little kid, I loved you. I can’t stop crying because I’m so happy!”
Chan quickly moved the pancake off the stovetop before turning around so he and Felix were chest to chest. Chan cupped Felix’s cheeks, leaned in, and kissed him eagerly. Felix’s arms squeezed him tightly, tilting his head and happily kissing back. He was so in love, he could barely stand it.
Felix and Chan spend the remainder of the morning talking about their feelings, eating pancakes, and sharing syrupy kisses. Felix was the one who wanted to tell the group chat and Chan was physically incapable of telling him no, so he let him. Felix informed them that he not only had presented as an omega, but also he had Chan were now boyfriends. Their phones instantly began blowing up with a mix of finallys and congratulations. Hyunjin left a voice message that was just him screaming, “My angel!” Felix couldn’t stop grinning.
After cleaning up breakfast, Chan and Felix went to Chan’s dorm so he could pack up a couple of things so he could stay with Felix for a few days. The two didn’t want to be apart, glued to the hip. During that time, Felix hesitantly texted his mom that he had presented as an omega and that Chan had come over, and they were now together. His mother had responded with, “Thank God!,” which made Felix laugh a little. It seemed as though everyone had been waiting for them to end up together, which made Felix kind of wish that more people besides his mom had straight up told him that Chan liked him, but whatever. As long as he now had his Channie, he wasn’t mad.
Felix and Chan ended up cuddling on the couch in the afternoon, watching a movie. However, Felix wasn’t as interested in the movie as he was in the man beside him. He wanted to have sex with Chan again, as someone who was not high off his ass on pheromones. So, in the end, he squirmed out of Chan’s grasp, only to slide off the couch.
“What are you doing, sunshine?” Chan asked, looking amused and slightly unaware.
Felix smiled a bit flirtatiously, scooting over so he was kneeling between Chan’s legs. “What do you think, Channie?”
Chan’s face turned pink as Felix’s hands gently pushed his thighs apart. “Uh… I mean, uh, Lix…”
Felix looked up at Chan through his eyelashes. “Can I, alpha? Can I, please?”
Chan sat up a little and scooted forward, his knuckles going white with the way he was hanging onto the arm of the couch. “Go ahead.”
Felix slowly stroked the inside of Chan’s thighs, before bringing his hand up to his crotch. Felix palmed him through his sweatpants. Felix’s eyes were locked onto Chan’s crotch, feeling it twitching to life under his touch. Chan’s eyes, meanwhile, were locked onto the blond’s, his excitement growing by the second now that Felix was paying attention to him as he had always dreamed. He had fantasized about this moment more than he cared to admit.
Felix pulled Chan’s cock out of his sweatpants, which was already half-hard. Felix grinned up at Chan as he began slowly pumping Chan, warming him up. Chan’s face only turned a deeper red as he looked at Felix down next to his cock. He had to slap a hand over his mouth to not moan too loudly when Felix leaned in and gave the tip a little kitten lick. Felix’s grin only got wider.
“Is that good, alpha?” Felix purred.
Chan swallowed heavily and nodded emphatically. “Very good.”
Felix leaned in and began softly licking from the tip down to the balls. He gently stroked them with one hand, rubbing his thumb across them. Felix licked his way back up with one swipe of the tongue, opening his mouth wide open before taking in Chan’s dick. Chan let out a low moan as the warm, wet hole encapsulated his erection. Felix couldn’t get Chan’s dick all the way in his mouth, but that’s what hands were for.
Chan couldn’t tear his eyes away from Felix, his eyes totally focused on the way Felix was hollowing his cheeks. His hand made its way into Felix’s hair at some point, his fingers threading through the locks. Chan groaned as he felt Felix’s tongue swipe on the underside of his member, his hands squeezing on the sofa’s arm and tugging lightly on his hair.
Felix parted from his boyfriend’s cock, lapping at the tip. Felix could feel himself getting both hard and wet, slick dripping down his thighs. He wasn’t about to pay attention to it, though, because he was obsessed with pleasing Chan at the moment. He went back down on Chan’s cock, bobbing his head.
“Felix, look at me,” Chan said, a little more commanding than he meant.
However, Felix instantly raised his eyes, wet noises spurting out of him as he attempted to take in just a little more. His hand twisted slightly around his cock as he stroked, his hand now slick with spit. Felix felt tears beginning to well up in his eyes, but he kept his eyes trained on Chan’s.
“Good boy…” Chan breathed. “Good omega…”
Felix felt drool dripping down his chin, his eyes half-lidded. He hummed his pleasure at the praise, redoubling his efforts to make Chan feel even better. One of his hands began carefully squeezing and massaging his balls while the other pumped even harder. Chan called out Felix’s name, his fingers lightly tugging on Felix’s hair.
“Felix, pull out, I- I’m gonna… ah, fuck,” Chan moaned.
Felix did as he said, finishing him off with his hand. He gasped as thick spurts of come coated both his hands and face. Still, Felix felt immense pride at the fact that he managed to get his alpha to come. He watched as Chan came down from his high, breathing heavily as he looked down at Felix. He couldn’t help but let out a low groan as he watched Felix licked some of the come off his hand.
“Felix, you’re a little minx, you know that?” Chan muttered.
“I could be more of one if you want,” Felix said with a grin.
“What does that even mean?” Chan asked, looking at him with wide eyes.
“I dunno, Daddy, what do you think it means?” Felix asked oh so innocently as he walked by to get to the kitchen to pick up some paper towels.
“Felix Lee, you are a menace! A menace, you hear me?!” Chan called, trying to ignore the way that his cock had twitched when Felix called him daddy.
Felix returned to Chan, a grin on his face. “You didn’t say you hated it.”
“I mean…” Chan’s face was significantly flushed. “Just come back on the couch so I can take care of you.”
Felix sat down on the couch, but Chan almost immediately flipped him over, having Felix get on his hands and knees. He grabbed the waistband of Felix’s pants and underwear, pulling them down. Felix couldn’t help but let out a high-pitched whine as the cold air hit his wet ass. Chan grabbed his asscheeks, spreading him out before pushing his face between those cheeks, licking a stripe up Felix’s asshole.
Vaguely in the back of his mind, Felix thought they probably shouldn’t be doing this on the couch, but fuck, he wasn’t about to move now that Chan was eating him out. Chan licked his thighs, lapping up any of the slick that had dripped down before returning to Felix’s fluttering hole, desperate to be filled with something, anything.
“Ohh, fuck, Daddy,” Felix moaned, trembling. “That’s so good…”
Chan did not protest being called daddy, getting more into eating out Felix if anything. He slurped up Felix’s slick eagerly, swirling his tongue around the younger’s hole. The tongue playing with his hole made him tremble and whimper, unused to being touched there still. Chan slowly pushed his tongue inside, leaving Felix gasping in shock.
“Ohhh, Daddy,” Felix whined, his head falling and his hands clenching.
Chan guzzled eagerly on the inside of Felix’s fluids, one of his hands coming up to grab onto Felix’s cock. Felix let out as much of a mewl as he could with his deep voice, his cock straining up against Chan’s hand. He squeezed his eyes shut, whimpering as his alpha rubbed his thumb over the head of his dick. He could decide if he wanted to push his ass further into Chan’s face or buck his hips into Chan’s hand.
Chan pulled his face away from Felix’s ass, only to immediately push a finger into him, a low groan pulling itself from Felix’s throat. Chan curled his finger inward, pressing up against a spongey swatch of his insides. Felix let out a yelp, pushing back against Chan’s finger. Chan pressed kisses to Felix’s rear as he tapped on his prostate, leaving Felix a blubbering mess.
“Please, Daddy, please, please, I need more,” Felix whined.
“I dunno, has my baby boy been good?” Chan asked, nipping at his boyfriend’s ass.
“I- I’ve been so good, Daddy, I’ve been really good,” Felix practically sobbed out, unable to take the continual assault on his pleasure button.
“Well, you were a good boy who got on his knees for me without me even asking,” Chan mused. “Maybe if you beg for it I’ll give it to you.”
“Please, please, please, Daddy, I want it so badly! Please give me your cock, I really need it,” Felix begged.
Chan withdrew his finger from Felix, a pleased growl rising in his throat. “Okay, Lixie, I can give it to you.”
Felix made a happy noise, wiggling his hips a little bit. Chan got up on his knees and gave his cock a couple of quick pumps before pressing it up against Felix’s hole. Felix let out a slow sigh as he felt his boyfriend slipping into him. He closed his eyes, still somewhat loose from the leftovers of his heat. It felt so good to have Chan inside of him, he could barely stand it. When he felt that Chan’s hips were flush against his ass, he almost came.
“Daddy’s cock is so good,” Felix gasped, his hips pressing as far against Chan’s as they possibly could be.
“Yeah, baby?” Chan said, soothingly rubbing Felix’s back.
“God, yes, I need more,” Felix groaned. “Please, please, fuck me.”
Chan takes that as a sign to start moving, his hips pulling back almost all the way before roughly snapping back in. Felix almost choked, his eyes going wide. This was a completely different experience than when he was in heat. While he was in heat, it was almost like he felt less of the sensations, his mind entirely focused on getting that knot inside of him. However, with this, he could feel every movement inside of him, every stretch, every bit of pain and pleasure alike. Everything felt good on his heat, but now he could truly feel every bit of Chan, inside and outside.
Chan’s hands make their way to his waist, holding him tightly while he bent over to kiss Felix’s neck. Having him so close to where the mating bite would hopefully be made someday was enough to make Felix whimper. Chan kissed along his jaw as he fucked forcefully into Felix, aiming right for his prostate. He seemed to hit it as well, the way Felix spasmed and cried out.
“You like that, baby boy?” Chan whispered into his ear. “You like it when daddy fucks you so nice and good?”
“Y- yeah, s’good,” Felix moaned out. “Please, Chris, keep going!”
Loud, wet slaps reverberated through the room, leaving Felix no choice but to continually cry out. Chan wrapped his arms around Felix’s torso and pressed his face into Felix’s shoulder, muffling his moans. Chan’s hands gripped him tightly, digging his fingers into his flesh. Felix’s head had fallen, mewls and cries escaping his lips. Felix was getting dizzy from the intensity of the pleasure.
Exactly twenty-four hours ago, Felix would not have guessed in the least that Chan would fuck him. Well, he had been vaguely hoping in his heat-addled brain, but he didn’t expect it to actually happen. Felix had wanted Chan for so long, for so many damn years, that now that he was pounding into his ass, it almost felt like he died and went to heaven. Purring noises erupted from his throat, his eyes barely open as he completely succumbed to pleasure.
“Ah, ah, ah, fuck, daddy, I’m gonna– ah!” Felix whined, barely able to control himself. He needed Chan’s come inside of him and he needed it fucking now.
“Gonna come, baby?” Chan murmured into his shoulder. “Gonna come for me? I wanna hear you call out for me.”
“Daddy, ah, ah, fuck, ah, ah! Please!” Felix cried.
“Please what, baby? What do you need?” Chan breathed into his ear.
“N- need your come! Need it all inside of me, Daddy,” Felix begged.
“Okay, baby, lemme give it to you,” Chan moaned, fucking into Felix even harder than before.
Felix let out a high-pitched yelp at the sudden roughness, unable to take much more. His cock was about to burst, dribbling precome. Chan let out a low groan and suddenly his insides were being coated with hot, white paint. Felix let out a keening wail of Chan’s name, finally letting go and coming. His head rolled back against Chan’s shoulder, his eyes were unfocused and his whole body shaking.
Chan pulled out of Felix but also pulled Felix back onto his lap as he collapsed against the couch. Felix rested his head on Chan’s shoulder, nuzzling into his neck. Felix could feel Chan’s come leaking out, but he could find it in himself to care. He felt so cozy and warm and loved in Chan’s grasp. It felt so good.
“You should probably jump in the shower, and I should clean up the couch,” Chan mused.
“Don’t wanna leave you, Channie,” Felix mumbled.
“I don’t wanna leave you, either, Lixie,” Chan murmured, nuzzling Felix.
“I love you, Chan.”
“I love you, too, Felix.”
When Chan and Felix met up with their friends at Changbin’s house the next day, everyone applauded them, much to Chan’s embarrassment. Felix, meanwhile, couldn’t stop beaming, clinging to Chan’s arm. Hyunjin grabbed Chan’s arm and pulled him away, out of the room and down the hall. Changbin let Felix know that Hyunjin was doing his sacred duty as Felix’s best friend to threaten Chan’s life if he ever hurt Felix. Felix laughed, admittedly because he could completely picture it.
Felix’s family came home safe and sound, which Felix was grateful for. They teased him about getting his heat and immediately catching Chan with that, which Felix couldn’t stop blushing about. It was pretty embarrassing that all of his family knew he had spent his heat with Chan. His mother did have to confirm that they used some sort of birth control, which Felix simply nodded at.
Felix had to do a couple of doctor’s office visits as a newly presented omega, the worst of which included doing an internal ultrasound to confirm that his innards were in good shape. He was also prescribed birth control, considering that he was now a sexually active omega, and they didn’t want to have to rely on morning-after pills. Because of his history of depression, they had to pick very carefully what birth control to use, but they found a hormonal option that didn’t upset Felix’s equilibrium too much.
Felix’s depression wasn’t solved by dating Chan, as he thought it might for some reason. He still had off days where it was difficult to get out of bed, days where he felt like he wasn’t worthy of Chan’s affection, and days where he had to try to remember that it was okay to reach out to people. However, with his new course in life, with him being more open with his friends and family, with him going to school for something he loved, and with him no longer in the “brother zone,” he had a lot fewer bad days than before. He hardly ever thought about suicide and only rarely thought of self-harm. He wasn’t cured, but he was better.
“So, Felix,” Ms. Choi said one day, a little smile on her face. “I was thinking, you don’t have issues to talk about every week these days… I was wondering if you wanted to start meeting every other week?”
Felix blinked and sat up a little straighter. “Are you sure?”
“It’s entirely up to you. I’m not going to force you to meet every other week, but I also think that you’re at a healthy enough place with your coping skills now that we can meet every other week. Of course, if things get worse, we can go back to meeting once a week,” she offered, smiling.
Felix hesitated for a moment before feeling confident in his answer. “Yeah. Let’s meet every other week. I feel better these days.”