Chapter Text
Jeon Jeongguk has never liked girls. He doesn’t understand the obsession behind guys his age going crazy over girls and their physical attributes. He isn’t like that, was never like that. Girls do not attract him at all and it’s not because they lack something but it’s just who Jeongguk is.
Very, very gay.
The first time he realized that women just don't do it for him was when he kissed a girl in his neighborhood and felt nothing, nothing at all. He was a teenager, his hormones were supposed to make him a horny puppy ready to hump anything in sight. But his heart didn’t miss a beat nor did his stomach churn with butterflies like it did when Mingyu so much as glanced at him. She was beautiful, very much so but Jeongguk found his eyes searching for something else.
The second time he realized that he was attracted to men was the night of New Year’s when Hoseok dragged him to a party.
Jeongguk was never the party type. So, he made his way through dancing and sweaty bodies, into the open air of the garden. He wasn't well acquainted with any of the people there and he liked his alone time better.
It was then that he met a friend of Hoseok’s. The boy had glasses perched on the bridge of his nose and Jeongguk found himself swooning over his dimples when he smiled. It was the first time Jeongguk felt this much for someone of the same gender.
Namjoon was sweet and charming, someone every guy and girl would fall for, and yet here he was talking to Jeongguk. In fact, he was the one who approached Jeongguk first and kept the conversation going. Talking to him was seamless and comforting. Jeongguk at one point thought his voice had healing properties. He was intrigued.
Namjoon was his first kiss. Jeongguk was terrified at the thought of kissing a guy but Namjoon was kind enough to reassure him and calm him down. Namjoon was his gay awakening and the person who helped him and supported him when he was going through a major sexuality crisis. However, the attraction fizzled out after a point and they both realized that they were better off as friends.
It has taken years of struggle for Jeongguk to come to terms with his sexuality, his preferences. He's been closeted since the day he realized he was not straight. Because he lived in a country where who someone falls in love with weighs more than their achievements and talents; where society will not let him breathe for a second if they get to know he likes boys.
Jeongguk's family had been very supportive, unlike the norm. His parents and brother made sure that being gay was not his entire identity. Jeongguk had always been so much more than his sexuality for them. He'd always been a great student, an excellent photographer and a star football player, and the captain of the university team. His family had always been very proud of his achievements and Jeongguk has been grateful for their support. They have loved him with all they have regardless of his sexuality.
The third time he felt attracted to a boy was when he bumped into someone on the field on the first day of practice. The boy was handsome and so damn pretty, Jeongguk found himself almost falling in love. His curly hair falling on his forehead and the boxy smile was so dreamy, Jeongguk felt like he was transported into another realm, a place where magic existed because Kim Taehyung's beauty and charm had no other justification other than him being an angel or just pure magic.
Jeongguk's heart began beating a little faster at the way Taehyung's muscles flexed and the way he played football like a pro. It was so hot of the older to sweep Jeongguk off of his feet with his charming smile and extraordinary skills.
Jeongguk was smitten.
He always hesitated with meeting new people so he never really initiated any conversation, just kept admiring Taehyung from a distance.
Until the day he became the captain.
Everything changed all of a sudden. Taehyung suddenly hated him, hated his guts, always taunting him and was always picking on him for no reason at all. Jeongguk's heart broke because Taehyung was so brutal.
Taehyung who Jeongguk once thought of to be a sweet and kind person turned out to be an obnoxious, pretentious, rich brat. The elder was as popular as Jeongguk, having been a striker on the team and that probably got to his head. Jeongguk had no idea what he did that made the elder hate him to the extent that their rivalry became famous in school.
Another thing that made Jeongguk absolutely resent Taehyung was the way he so casually passed comments about queer folk. Jeongguk was kind to let it go but Taehyung was always derogatory and definitely homophobic when he talked about gay people. It made the seed of rivalry and hatred grow stronger in Jeongguk.
For instance, right now, Taehyung sits on the bench in the locker room after a practice game when Jeongguk walks in. He stops for a moment as he sees Taehyung's sweaty hair falling on his forehead, his toned muscles peeking out of the vest.
The elder is surrounded by a bunch of girls, a lazy smirk playing on his lips as he flirts with them, pulling them closer to his body.
Jeongguk's eyes meet those brown orbs, winking at him. The younger one rolls his eyes. He absolutely hates how Taehyung's ego is fueled by the girls who are always ready to throw themselves at him.
Ignoring the elder, Jeongguk focuses on his own stuff. He can't resist side-eyeing him, noticing the elder is looking in his direction even though he is busy talking with the girls and cracking jokes with the other teammates.
"Honestly, if you ask me, gay people are boring." Jeongguk hears Taehyung say, probably as a response to a question earlier.
Jeongguk finds the elder looking at him, then continuing to speak while looking into his eyes, "what do you mean you don't like to bang girls? That's so shallow."
The comment gets laughter and hooting as a response while Taehyung's smirk gets bigger. Jeongguk sighs loudly, closing his locker with a bang.
He throws a football at Taehyung—which he manages to catch without fail—taking a few tentative steps towards him. "So shallow of you to think girls are only worth a good banging."
Jeongguk replies casually and Taehyung's smirk is wiped off his face. He then whispers to Taehyung. "Your homophobic ass is shallow."
Taehyung seethes with anger as he grabs Jeongguk's collar, pulling him close. Jeongguk stares right into his eyes. It's his turn to smirk.
"How dare you?" Taehyung's voice is loud as he says through gritted teeth.
"Do you want to resort to violence and be thrown out of the team?" Jeongguk has a smug smile on his face when he pushes Taehyung away. "I don't want you out of the team, baby."
Taehyung's face contorted with rage, jaw clenching and unclenching as he stared at Jeongguk. His mouth opens to say something but closes without uttering a sentence.
Jeongguk walks forward and flicks his chin, his eyes darkening with fury as he holds the elder's chin to look him in the eye. "You might be rich and all, having everything bestowed at your feet but you don't own this place. Don't ever bring your minions over here again. This is the team's locker room."
Taehyung's eyebrows furrow as Jeongguk continues to speak. "Show your hatred for gay people somewhere else. I'm not interested in listening to your bullshit views, Taehyung."
For a moment, Taehyung's eyes soften but Jeongguk ignores it for his own good and walks out, leaving Taehyung with a gaping mouth.
The smirk on Jeongguk’s face is maddening after scoring the winning goal. The loud uproar of the audience is heard as the ravenette throws flying kisses in their direction, the girls going crazy over his charms.
That’s Jeon Jeongguk, after all. The rising football star of the campus. The captain of the team. The increasingly popular jock that girls drool over all the time.
Taehyung rolls his eyes from afar, drinking water after an exhausting match.
Taehyung hates Jeongguk. Always did. From the very first day, he was announced to be the captain of the football team.
There is something about him and his big doe eyes that makes Taehyung loathe his existence. Probably because he became the captain of the team, a position that Taehyung so badly wanted, or because he seemed to be tough competition.
Or, mostly due to the fact that Jeongguk makes him want to break his own rules.
Taehyung has been hiding his sexuality since the day he realized he was gay. Mostly because of the homophobic society he lives in. His family already criticized him way too much for the choices he made, if they got to know, his parents wouldn’t let him breathe for a second. If anyone on campus knew, Taehyung would definitely be kicked out of the school. He doesn’t really care about studying but football is his passion. He can’t afford to lose the only good thing in his life. So, he pretends to be the homophobic prick on campus as a defense mechanism.
Jeongguk makes him want to act on his hidden feelings , which is not really worth the risk. Being a football player is far too important than the fleeting emotions he’s experiencing, so Taehyung resorts to running away from reality and hates Jeongguk. That’s the easiest way out, to be honest.
The striker rushes out of the field, rushing to the locker room’s bathroom to wash up before anyone else comes. He wants to be alone for a while.
Taking off his jersey, he throws it in his locker as he brushes his bangs away.
“You must be pissed off, no?” Taehyung groans loudly when Jeongguk’s voice hits his ears. “So pathetic, Kim.”
Taehyung turns around on his heels, throwing the water bottle at the captain. Jeongguk has a smug smile on his face. Taehyung wants to punch him so bad. “Cool down, Mr. Captain. You try so hard to ‘piss me off’. Focus on being the captain instead.”
Jeongguk walks closer to him and throws his jersey away. Taehyung tries averting his eyes from his body but can’t resist staring at the way Jeongguk’s muscles flexed. When Taehyung looks at him, he finds the ravenette smirking.
“Were you busy staring at my body on the field, too?” Jeongguk is a self-obsessed freak. Taehyung hates himself for even glancing at him. “Is that why you couldn’t score a single goal, darling?”
“Don’t you dare try to flirt with me.” Taehyung clenches his jaw, heart beating faster. “And you’re probably forgetting that we’re on the same team and we won. That’s what matters.”
Jeongguk takes a step closer, invading Taehyung’s personal space. Taehyung has a hard time breathing, his chest heaving. “I was never flirting, baby.”
The two jocks are shirtless, alone in the locker room. So fucking close that Taehyung can feel Jeongguk’s breath on his face, minty and fresh. His cologne is driving Taehyung insane as he sniffs it, gulping.
“You look pretty up close.” Jeongguk’s voice is deep and breathy, making Taehyung inhale sharply.
“S-shut up!” Taehyung stutters and Jeongguk lets out a loud laugh. It has Taehyung enchanted.
“You’re very cute when you’re flustered.” He says, taking one step closer. Taehyung is rooted to his place and stops breathing, almost in a trance.
“J—Jeongguk!”
“Yes?”
“S—stop! Don’t come closer.” Taehyung says, gasping as Jeongguk’s fingers accidentally touch his naked torso. His eyes close on their own accord and Jeongguk chuckles.
[Je ongguk starts doing all of this as a joke, just to fluster Taehyung. But the elder not moving from his position and closing his eyes at the slightest touch scares Jeongguk a little, too. Not enough to show, though. It’s amusing to know how much he affects Taehyung.
He gets closer and closer until he can almost hear the faint beating of the elder’s heart but when he sees the way Taehyung is reacting, his smirk drops a little and his eyes soften. He catches himself before he says something wrong and then proceeds to carry on. ]
“If you don’t want this or you feel uncomfortable,” Jeongguk whispers, his gruff voice igniting emotions inside Taehyung’s heart. “Put a stop to it.”
Taehyung stands motionless. Their actions and the implications absolutely terrify Taehyung but he can’t help the pull that he feels towards the team captain. Jeongguk is so close that he can see his own reflection in the younger’s eyes. He even hears his heart raging in his ears.
The noisy commotion of their teammates is what makes them move away from each other as the rest of the boys enter the locker room.
Taehyung avoids looking at Jeongguk, unable to form a coherent thought. He berates himself for falling weak in front of the younger. His conscience tells him he fucked up but he can’t do anything now.
Taehyung’s eyes fall on the football on the floor and he smirks. He looks at Jeongguk walking towards the washroom as he shouts his name, “Jeon!”
The moment Jeongguk turns around, Taehyung kicks the ball and it lands against Jeongguk’s face, giving him a nosebleed and making the captain hiss in pain.
“Oops… sorry!” Taehyung has a huge smirk on his face as he sees Jeongguk’s face seething with anger. “I thought you were man enough to dodge it.”
“Kim Taehyung, fucking asshole,” Jeongguk screams as he runs towards the elder.
Taehyung’s laughter has no bounds as he skips into the shower, drawing the curtains shut. Jeongguk’s angry face appears in his sight and Taehyung swears there is nothing better than that.
Taehyung absolutely hates the way his parents are so selfish and self-centered. All they want is a son as their puppet, who follows their orders blindly, obeys them for whatever they want him to do, and listens to their nagging every single day. Honestly, it’s a fucking chore to be their son. Despite it all, Seokjin decides to become the good son. However, Taehyung is never going to be their puppet.
The day he told them he wanted to play football, there was an uproar in their house. His mother kept yelling, telling him how he is supposed to study and make a career that matters. His father kept berating him, calling him incompetent compared to his brother.
Seokjin was powerless. He did everything their parents asked him to; from literally eating according to their wishes to making a career in medicine. Seokjin was always controlled. He was the elder son and while during childhood Taehyung used to dislike him mostly due to the fact that he was always compared to Seokjin, he later realized how the elder was trapped and unhappy. Taehyung understood where he was coming from, but he just couldn’t stay back and let it all happen to himself too.
Taehyung had always been a rebel. He wanted to live life based on his own judgments and wishes. Despite the constant complaining and criticism from his family, Taehyung refused to obey their nonsensical demands. He wasn’t Seokjin; they couldn't forcefully make him do whatever they wanted.
Taehyung made sure he followed his dreams. He got into the university team as a striker and aced. His parents were not too happy but they could do nothing, except force him to study and stay at the top, no matter what.
Taehyung tries his best to do what they asked of him. He doesn’t crave the validation anymore that he so badly wanted from his parents back when he was in high school. He has realized the fact that no matter what he does, they will always find a reason to complain.
Like right now.
Taehyung is trying to forget what happened in the locker room earlier. It messed with his head a lot and he fears what Jeongguk will think of him. He let his guard down a little bit and the captain got close to him, so close that Taehyung couldn’t breathe.
His head is throbbing, a sharp shooting pain making him slack off as he falls down on the living room couch. His phone starts to vibrate in his pocket. Taehyung groans at the caller ID, wanting to ignore it but he knows his father wouldn’t stop calling unless he talks.
He swipes right and puts the phone on speaker, tiredly speaking. “What do you have to say now?”
“Why do you always have to be such a loser, Taehyung? Will you ever listen to me?”
Taehyung rolls his eyes, sighing. “What did I do now?”
“What did you do? You’re asking me? What’s wrong with you? I don’t—”
“Can you come to the point? I don’t have the energy to talk to you.” Taehyung says, rubbing his temples.
“Is that the way to talk to your father? How shameless!”
“Do you have anything important to say or should I just hang up?”
“You’re so ill-mannered.” He groans from the other side, making Taehyung’s jaw clench. “Why did you skip classes? Stop wasting your time on stupid football games and focus on your studies. Be useful for once. Look at your brother….”
“For god’s sake, stop. This is what you always do,” Taehyung sits up on the couch, clutching the phone in his hand. “I’ve been studying very well, scoring the highest marks in every assignment, and yet you always complain. No matter what I do, you’ll never be satisfied.”
“Taehyung—”
“No, stop. I don’t want to deal with you. Don’t call me again.” Taehyung yells and cuts the call, throwing his phone on the couch.
His headache is worsening as he feels tears pricking his eyes. The whole conversation plays in his head again, the hurtful and degrading words of his father hurting him. He feels a lump forming in his throat as he tries to blink back tears. He doesn’t want to cry, no, he is not weak. He won’t let the tears fall just because his father called him useless.
Except that’s what he does.
He cries and cries; warm tears are rolling down his cheeks, making the pain in his head much worse than he’s already feeling.
Jeongguk opens the washroom door to find Taehyung staring at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t notice it at first but Taehyung is crying. His eyes are filled with tears and that seems to somehow unsettle Jeongguk.
His eyebrows knit in confusion and a frown appears on his face. Taehyung turns around to find Jeongguk looking at him and his expression turns cold before he quickly wipes his tears.
Jeongguk knows he shouldn’t say anything because Taehyung looks definitely disturbed, his eyes swollen, but the words tumble out of his mouth without intending to. “Are you crying, little girl?”
Taehyung’s expression falters. His jaw clenches and Jeongguk sees him closing his fist. He lets out a chuckle and that seems to anger Taehyung more, his nostrils flaring. Jeongguk observes him, sees how he’s trying to control his rage.
Before Jeongguk can say anything further, Taehyung looks up at him, seemingly calmer and says, “Why? Is me crying bothering you, Mr. Big, Burly Captain?”
Jeongguk is speechless. He continues to stare at the elder, looking into his big, brown eyes, the same eyes that were filled with tears a while ago. He hates how Taehyung is right, that his crying definitely bothers Jeongguk for reasons he doesn’t know.
Jeongguk comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to see his enemy cry.
He takes a step forward in Taehyung’s direction, intensely staring at him. “What if it does?”
Taehyung blinks in confusion, “Jeongguk!”
Jeongguk is still walking towards him until he corners Taehyung, his back against the wall as the captain keeps his hands on the wall. “What if I tell you that I don’t want to see you cry? What if I tell you that, hmm?”
“Jeongguk, you’re going crazy.” He avoids looking into Jeongguk’s eyes.
Jeongguk’s eyes hold so many unsaid emotions, intense and brooding, but his voice is so soft when he says, “Hyung, stop running for once and listen to your heart.”
Taehyung seems to freeze at the single word and Jeongguk doesn’t even realize he said it. He can see Taehyung gulp as his hands land on Jeongguk’s chest. “I don’t want you telling me what to do. Get out of my way.”
Jeongguk doesn’t realize how compromising their position is until Taehyung shoves him away. Jeongguk instantly misses the warmth of Taehyung’s body. The realization hits him as the elder leaves, making him question his actions.
Jeongguk finds his eyes looking for Taehyung whenever he’s out of sight. The incident from earlier makes the captain question himself and his feelings for Taehyung. He knows he isn’t completely over him, but the fact that he is missing him around himself is enough for his destruction.
Taehyung is rarely found anywhere on campus except when practicing on the field. Jeongguk’s heart yearns for the sight of him.
Jeongguk gets obsessed with observing his enemy. He realizes how the elder looks more tired than usual. His eyes are red-rimmed and swollen whenever Jeongguk sees him. He looks stressed and Jeongguk hates it. The captain doesn’t see him hanging out with his group of friends, nor with the girls he used to be surrounded with. Although he does go to parties every so often, Jeongguk doesn’t find him being the center of attention like he usually used to be. He doesn’t even find him there, Taehyung hides himself well.
Until at the party that Taehyung’s best friend Jimin throws.
Jeongguk finds the striker in the back garden where there aren’t many people. He sees the elder sitting on the bench with a can of beer in his hand. Jeongguk runs towards him without thinking about anything.
“Hi,” he says, sitting on the bench beside him, staring at the front.
He notices Taehyung looking at him and then looking straight again, sipping his beer. “Hi,” Taehyung slurs, his voice hoarse, probably from the beer.
“Why are you sitting here and not enjoying the party?” Jeongguk asks, just wanting to start a conversation.
“I could ask you the same.” Taehyung says, offering the can to Jeongguk.
He chuckles, taking the beer from his hand. “But I was never the one to enjoy parties. It was always you, hyung.” The title slips out of his tongue again as he sips on the beer.
“Were you observing me secretly all this time?” Taehyung asks.
“Hmm, what do you think?” Jeongguk’s heart flutters in his chest when their clothed thighs touch. He realizes how close they are, making his nerves tingle with warmth. Taehyung has such a strong effect on Jeongguk.
“Mhm…” Taehyung pretends to think, opening another can. “I think you’re obsessed with me.”
Jeongguk laughs wholeheartedly before he takes another sip. It feels so intimate, having a conversation with Taehyung under the stars, sharing a beer and sitting so close together. Even the silence is comfortable.
Jeongguk thinks all the alcohol in their system is making the conversation flow seamlessly.
“Ahh, I’m tired, Jeongguk!” Taehyung says all of a sudden as he lets his head rest on Jeongguk’s shoulder. Jeongguk stops breathing.
“Tired?” He asks, gulping. The close proximity with Taehyung is doing things to him.
“Hmm, tired.” Taehyung whispers. “Tired of hiding all the time, tired of suppressing my feelings.”
Jeongguk’s heart beats a little faster at Taehyung’s statement. He doesn’t want to hope, doesn’t want to crush his heart all over again.
“Aren’t you?” The elder asks, looking up at him.
Jeongguk stares at him, their faces so close that their lips would touch if he moves an inch. Taehyung’s eyes are glossy, and Jeongguk tries to find something in them, something that could give him hope.
“Jeongguk,” Taehyung is breathless when he says his name and Jeongguk feels his whole body on fire, burning with the desire to touch him, kiss him.
He blames it on the alcohol again, his mind shutting down once Taehyung closes his eyes, leaning closer. Jeongguk stares at his beautiful face, his perfect lips and without giving it a second thought presses their lips together.
Jeongguk feels like he could die with the surge of emotions that he feels. His heart flutters in his chest as he kisses Taehyung who tastes like stars and forever. Jeongguk can’t get enough. He presses their bodies together, cupping Taehyung’s face to kiss him properly.
A tear escapes his eye when he closes his eyes, letting Taehyung nibble on his lower lip. He feels his whole body tingle, warmth spreading like wildfire. He lets Taehyung dominate the kiss while kissing him back with all he has, pouring all his hidden feelings hoping Taehyung knows what it is to love someone.
Jeongguk doesn’t want to let go, not after he’s got a taste of Taehyung.
A few days after the party, Taehyung has managed to ignore Jeongguk completely. He had run out of the garden as soon as they stopped kissing and Jeongguk was left alone again with another rejection that tore his heart apart.
He has had enough, though when he finds Taehyung not mentally present on the field, participating poorly when they have a big match coming up next month. He knows Taehyung is going through a rough patch, struggling with some things, and probably still thinking about the kiss from the party.
However, Jeongguk is the captain. He can't afford a weak striker, not when the match is extremely important for the whole team.
So, he drags Taehyung by his arm, out of the field and takes him to the locker rooms. Taehyung protests but Jeongguk doesn't let go of his hand until he has the elder pinned against the wall, his hands resting on Taehyung's waist in a tight grip.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jeongguk asks, looking straight into the elder's red-rimmed eyes.
Taehyung struggles to get out of his grip but Jeongguk holds him firmly, not letting go."Fuck off, Jeongguk! Leave me alone."
"Not until you tell me what's bothering you," he says with a finality in his voice. "Whatever it is, it's starting to affect your performance. I don't want a half-arse player on my team, so please focus on yourself—"
"What does it have to do with you? Let me fucking go." Taehyung yells at his face, still trying to get out of his grasp, all his attempts proving to be futile.
"Stop being so stubborn for once, Taehyung!" Jeongguk's pitch becomes louder. "I'm trying to help. Can't you stop being an asshole even for a minute? We have a big game to play soon and I don't want my team to suffer because of you."
"Look, Jeongguk," he says as he stops struggling. "I'm fine. You don't have to fucking worry about me." Taehyung says curtly.
"What makes you think you're the one I'm worried about?" Jeongguk says, letting go of Taehyung, instantly missing the warmth his body provided. "It's the team I'm worried about. I don't want to lose this game. I won't let you do this."
Taehyung takes a step towards him, jabbing a finger in his chest. "I want to win this game as much as you do. Don't fucking try to guilt trip me into something that I didn't do, Jeon. I'm okay and I'm going to be in my best form at the game."
Jeongguk sees the determination in his eyes, the tiredness, the sadness. His eyes soften, making him see Taehyung in a different light. He stares at the elder, struggling to see the softer side of him, the one behind the mask that he wears every single day, the real Taehyung.
"Is it because of the kiss?"
Taehyung does a double take.
"Is that why you've been low and struggling with yourself because we kissed at the party?" Jeongguk's voice is so soft. He talks softly as if Taehyung will break merely by some harsh words.
He finds Taehyung's eyes filled with tears, face crumbling. Jeongguk's own heart is hurting at the sight.
"Shut the fuck up, Jeongguk." Taehyung looks so perplexed.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry if that's the case. I should have stopped. It shouldn't have happened." Jeongguk continues to apologize, reminiscing the way Taehyung's soft lips had met his lips, tasting of champagne and stars. Jeongguk never wants to forget it, never wants to forget the warmth and taste of Taehyung's lips. He wants to keep it in the deepest corner of his heart as a beautiful, cherishing memory.
"But I don't regret it." Jeongguk gulps. He's saying things out of nowhere and that's probably his heart speaking. "I would kiss you again in a heartbeat if I had the chance to and if you let me do it."
"Stop!" Taehyung's tears finally roll down his eyes as he keeps both his hands over his ears, eyes shutting tightly. "Stop talking! Just shut up, Jeongguk. I don't want to hear it, stop." The elder continues to plead, crying and sobbing as if it's too painful for him to even think about it.
Jeongguk feels his heart crack at the moment.
He looks directly into the elder's eyes. Something breaks inside Jeongguk as he asks in a soft whisper. "Are you that repulsed by the idea of us?"
Taehyung is quick to shout, shoving Jeongguk away, and sobbing violently. "There's no us, there will never be. Stop fucking projecting your sexuality on me, Jeongguk."
The last tiny bit of hope that was left in his heart dies inside Jeongguk.