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Emma breaks up with Killian. It isn’t planned, the plan was to marry him, to spend her life with this man who wants her, who is so certain that they’re meant to be together that it feels wrong for her to question it, but they’re at a wedding planning appointment tasting wines to choose which to have with the meal when she realises she can’t go through with it.
“I like the first one,” Killian says with confidence; Emma thought the second was better. Killian only ever drinks rum so she doesn’t put much stock in his preference, but as she herself only drinks wine when someone else provides it she isn’t much better qualified to choose.
“The first one was nice,” she says.
Regina would know exactly which wine to pick if she was here instead of Killian, would probably ask for a specific wine of a specific vintage that hadn’t been offered, saying something along the lines of how the blackcurrant notes would perfectly complement the beef. Emma tries to push that thought away. She and Killian are well matched she tells herself, neither of them being one for fancy meals in over-priced establishments. Except that begs the question of why they are planning such an upscale wedding. Sometimes it feels like the purpose of the wedding is to prove, either to themselves or to others, that they are serious about the relationship.
As Killian tastes the first wine again Emma says, “Is this what you want?” meaning the wine, the four-course menu, the planned chair covers to be adorned with blue bows in order to match the ribbon that will be on their cake.
“Of course, love,” he replies. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, we’re meant to be together. I know you might not feel quite as certain as me, but you will with time.”
“And that’s okay with you?” she asks, because she doesn’t understand why he’s prepared to settle. "To marry me and hope that one day we’ll be on the same page?”
The member of staff who has been providing the wine discretely takes the bottles and moves to the other end of the large room.
“Yes,” Killian replies. “You love me. I know I’m not the only person you have feelings for and maybe she cares for you too, in her own way, but she can’t love you like I do.” He doesn’t name names, but they both know who he’s talking about. “One day you’ll realise that, your feelings for her will fade and you’ll see that marrying me was the best decision you ever made.”
Part of her wants to believe him, to believe in this future where she’s less in love with Regina and is able to love Killian like he loves her, but it’s not like she’s not tried to think about Regina less, it’s just that it’s impossible not to when every little thing brings her to mind. Right now she imagines how Regina would try to talk her out of marrying Killian if she knew she was having doubts, and at this thought she realises the Regina in her head is right and Emma can’t go ahead with the wedding.
-----
Once she’s dealt with the fall out, and told Killian she does not just want to postpone the wedding, but to end the relationship, and he’s taken all his stuff and moved back onto the Jolly Roger she’s alone in her too big house. She had told Killian he could take a few days to pack his stuff, but is relieved when he moves out straight away. Emma’s not told anyone about the break-up yet, wanting some time to process it alone before dealing with everyone else’s concern, although given the speed that news spreads in Storybrooke she is sure people will know soon enough. Part of her wants to run away like she would have done in the past, to out run her guilt about Killian and her feelings for Regina. But she has family now; parents, a teenage son, and Regina – her son’s other mother, who is family but also her friend. There is no running away from Regina.
As she’s thinking this there is a knock on the door, she answers it to see the woman who is occupying her thoughts holding a bottle of wine. Emma worries that Killian has been to see her, running his mouth, but if so Regina doesn’t let on she just says, “I hear you’ve saved the pirate from the impossible task of trying to find someone who likes him enough to be his best man.”
Emma shrugs, “I think he’d been planning to ask Smee after I told him he couldn’t ask my dad. Have you come here to celebrate?”
“Celebrate, commiserate, whichever you prefer. I’m not going to pretend I ever liked Hook, but I care about your happiness. If you don’t want to talk about it we can drink and talk about something else.”
They order pizza and sit at opposite ends of the couch to eat it. Emma is surprised when Regina declines cutlery and eats slices with her hands. She is not surprised that Regina manages to look poised as she does so; Emma is sure she looks the opposite.
Regina opens the wine, which as is always the case when Regina provides wine, is excellent.
“What wine would you have with beef?” Emma asks the other woman.
“That would depend on the beef,” Regina replies, taking the unusual topic of conversation in her stride. “If it was a filet mignon I would suggest something relatively light, like Pinot Noir. If it was roast beef then something bolder, like a Rioja.”
“I was tasting the wine for the wedding with Killian this afternoon when I realised I had to break up with him,” Emma says. She waits for a witty barb at Killian’s expense, but Regina doesn’t say anything, so Emma continues. She explains how it felt like they were trying too hard to make the wedding perfect, compensating for the fact that Emma didn’t love Killian enough.
“I thought it didn’t matter,” she says. “He wanted to be with me regardless and if I didn’t love him as much as he loved me that was okay, but I felt inadequate and guilty the whole time. I realised he was waiting indefinitely for my feelings to change and I couldn’t let him continue to wait. It’s a relief now it’s over and I can stop trying to make myself love him more than I did.”
“Hook acted like you were a prize he had won by pursuing you until you gave in,” says Regina, taking Emma’s empty glass and refilling it when Emma nods her consent. “You can do much better than him.”
“I don’t think I can. I don’t think I can offer anyone what they deserve,” says Emma, because she doesn’t think it’s fair on anyone else to date them whilst she’s in love with Regina, and she doesn’t think she even wants to stop loving Regina, not now there’s not anyone she should be loving more.
Regina, who Emma hopes is not aware of her feelings, says, “you have so much to offer, don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.” She looks angry, as if Emma doubting herself is somehow hurting Regina, but she softens as she goes on.
“You’re a genuinely good person, and it’s not because of whatever your asinine parents removed from before you were born, because despite what they did you’re certainly not perfect, but you care about deeply people and you never stop trying to do the right thing no matter now hard.” She reaches out as if she’s going to take Emma’s hands, but then stops and puts her hands in her lap instead. “You’re hot headed and loyal, clumsy and an idiot, but endearingly so. If anyone can’t seen that then they don’t deserve you.”
Regina’s looking at her as if she’s trying to bore self-worth into Emma with her eyes, and maybe if it wasn’t for Robin Emma would dare to hope that she stood a chance with Regina, but Emma can’t compete for Regina’s affections with a dead soulmate. However being in her life and mattering to Regina has been enough for her so far; it will have to continue to be enough. Emma can’t help the ache she feels though.
----
Emma’s parents find out the engagement is off and come round the next day. Her Dad is fine, just says if Killian wasn’t right for her then it is better that she’s called it off now rather than after they were married. Her Mom is more unsettled by the news.
“I thought you loved him?” Snow says.
“I did. But not enough, not as much as he loved me,” Emma explains.
“I thought he was your true love?”
“I don’t even know what that means!” says Emma, frustrated. “I’m not from the Enchanted Forest. I know I broke a curse by kissing Henry but I still don’t know what determines whether a love is “true” or not. I thought I loved Killian, but maybe I just convinced myself I did because he loved me. All I know is that I realised it wasn’t fair on him, so I ended it.”
“On sweetheart, we just want you to be happy. Is it because of his past? I know he’d done some terrible things before you met him, is that what’s putting you off?”
“I don’t think so,” says Emma. “I mean Regina’s done much worse and that wouldn’t put me off wanting to be with…..” she stops abruptly as she realises what she’s saying, and hopes her mother didn’t catch it.
“I don’t know why I didn’t reciprocate Killian’s feelings, I just didn’t,” Emma adds, hoping to keep the conversation on Killian and away from what she’s almost let slip.
Her mother is staring at her though, like she caught exactly what Emma said and now they need to discuss it in depth.
“Are you in love with Regina?” Snow asks.
“It doesn’t matter,” Emma replies.
“Of course it matters,” says Snow. “If you’re in love with Regina you should tell her.”
“I can’t tell her,” says Emma, looking at her father for help. He shrugs, like he is powerless to stop this. “We have a good friendship and I can’t mess that up. She’s recently lost her soulmate, she’s not going to want to be with me.”
“You could be her true love,” says Snow. Part of Emma wants to know what the difference between a soulmate and a true love is and whether one trumps the other, but her desire to end this conversation it is much stronger.
“Mom, please let it go!” Emma begs. “I just broke up with Killian yesterday, I’m not looking for a new relationship.”
Snow reluctantly agrees not to say anything, Emma just hopes she means it.
----
Now Killian is not around to demand her attention Emma is free to spend more time with Regina. She brings Regina lunch from Granny’s a few times and then Regina one-ups her by bringing her home-made lunches; fancy sandwiches and grilled chicken salads with home-made dressing. It’s great until Snow turning ups at the sheriff’s station one day with lunch for David at the same time as Regina turns up with lunch for Emma.
“Isn’t this nice,” says Snow. “I’ve made lunch for David, who is my true love, and Regina you’ve made lunch for Emma, your friend.”
Emma misses the years when she didn’t have a mother.
“Snow, I know you’re used to spending your day with children who have a similar intellect to yourself, but when you’re in adult company you don’t need to state the obvious,” says Regina.
Snow smiles cheerfully and replies, “sometimes people miss the obvious.”
Later, in a necessary act of self preservation, Emma agrees with Regina that they’ll have lunch together at the town hall rather than the sheriff’s station going forward.
---
Snow continues with knowing looks whenever Regina so much as smiles at Emma and with comments that have the subtlety of a toddler with a drum kit. Emma asks David to try to stop her.
“I know you’re an adult who is capable of making your own decisions, but have you considered that Snow might be right, that you and Regina would make a great couple if one of you was just willing to take the first step?” David asks.
“Not you too!” Emma groans.
“I’m not going to interfere,” David tells her, “but I know that Regina cares for you a lot and you deserve to be with someone who feels like that about you, and about who you feel the same.”
“Even if that is the case Mom needs to let us work it out in our own time. Please stop her, she’s going to scare Regina off,” Emma begs.
“Regina’s not easily scared, but I’ll try to get Snow to tone it down.”
Toning it down is not the same as stopping, but Emma has to take what help she can get.
---
A couple of delays later, when she’s studying the contents of her almost empty fridge just in case it’s somehow filled itself up since she last looked (it’s Storybrooke, stranger things have happened) she hears a noise inside the house. She goes into the hall to see Regina and Snow standing there.
“What’s wrong?” Emma asks in concern, because whilst Regina might use magic to abruptly escape social interactions she doesn’t want to participate in, she’s not in the habit of using it to enters Emma’s house; Regina usually has the manners to ring the doorbell like a regular person.
Snow opens her mouth as if to speak, but does not make a sound. She glares at Regina.
“Did you silence my mother?!” Emma asks Regina.
“Yes,” Regina confirms. “Don’t act like you’ve never wanted to do the same.”
Of course Emma has wanted to, but she’s not going to admit that in from of Snow, and anyway wanting to do it is not the same as actually doing it.
“Why?” demands Emma.
“She came to see me and said she had something important to tell me. Apparently it was something you don’t want me to know, but she thought it would be in both your and my best interests if she told me. So I silenced her and brought her here.”
“Why do you need my input?” asks Emma, whilst internally panicking. Sooner or later she’s going to feel obligated to tell Regina what Snow was going to say and things will become awkward and strained and Emma will want to run away to New Zealand, but she won’t be able to so she’ll just have to spend the rest of her life acting like it’s no big deal when Regina one day falls in love with someone else and asks Emma to be her maid of honor at the wedding. Or worse than that doesn’t ask Emma to be maid of honor and asks someone less problematic instead.
Emma realises Regina is looking at her expectantly, she must have said something whilst Emma was visualising her life falling apart.
“Sorry?” says Emma.
“Relax, Emma,” Regina says. “If you don’t want me to know whatever it is your mother wants to tell me then that is your right. I have no wish to pressure you into doing so, I merely want to ensure that your mother doesn’t take away your choice.”
“What are you suggesting? You can’t keep her silenced for life,” Emma points out.
“I wouldn’t rush to rule out that option,” Regina says and Emma gives her a look.
“Fine,” says Regina. “We could make her sign a binding contract whereby she would become covered in painful boils if she shares the information without your consent. Or we could adjust the silencing spell so that she can talk, she just can’t say this specific thing. For either of these options I can set up the basics but you’ll have to finalise the spell without me as it will require knowledge of what Snow is forbidden from talking about.”
Emma is briefly tempted, but she knows she can’t really agree to her mother being indefinitely restricted by a spell. Instead Emma says to Snow, “I’m really annoyed with your right now, but Regina is going to lift the spell and then you’re going to leave without saying anything.”
Emma nods at Regina, who waves her hand.
Snow opens her mouth and says, “Emma..”
“No, Mom, I don’t want to hear it. Please get out.” Regina lets sparks come from her fingers threateningly. Snow leaves, looking like she’s still desperate to say something.
Once Snow’s gone Emma offers Regina a drink. Regina sits on the sofa and rather than joining her Emma stands in the doorway nursing her own drink.
“You wouldn’t really have put either of those spells on Mom, would you?”
“Probably not, although I might have let her believe that I had. I wanted to teach her a lesson, to show her that it’s not acceptable to share other people’s secrets, but history suggests she’s incapable of understanding that.”
“I wish she’d stop thinking she knows what’s best for me,” says Emma. “But I know she had good intentions.”
Emma takes a big gulp of her drink and then before she can lose her nerve says, “I’m going to tell you what Mom wanted to tell you, because I don’t want you to imagine it’s something terrible. I just don’t want it to mess up our friendship, that’s too important to me.”
“You don’t have to tell me Emma, that’s not why I came here,” says Regina.
“If I don’t then Mom will sooner or later, even if we did put a spell on her I’m sure she’d find a way.”
“If you’re sure you want to tell me,” says Regina.
Emma’s not at all sure, but she’d rather tell Regina than have her friend feel like Emma doesn’t trust her.
“I just want you to know that it doesn’t need to change anything. We can just continue being friends as normal.”
“I understand,” says Regina.
“I have feelings for you,” Emma blurts out, “I broke up with Killian because he said he knew, and I didn’t think it was fair for him to marry me knowing I had feelings for someone else.”
Regina is silent for a moment and Emma mentally prepares for the worst, and then Regina says, “You’re telling me this before you mother does, but you don’t want things to change between us. Is that right?”
“Yes,” confirms Emma.
Regina gets up and walks over to her and takes her hands. “Your friendship is important to me too, we can continue as if we never had this conversation.”
“Okay,” agrees Emma and Regina hugs her. Emma wants to hold on forever, scared that once she lets go she is going to lose Regina, no matter the other woman’s reassurance.
----
She doesn’t lose Regina. As promised Regina acts as if they never had the conversation. Over the following week she still smiles warmly whenever she sees Emma, they still have lunch together most days, their magic is still as in sync as ever when there’s a new monster to deal with and it’s torture. Emma’s heard people say that it’s having hope that is tough and if you can let go of that you can move on, but despite the fact it’s now clear that Regina has no desire for a relationship with her Emma doesn’t know if she will ever move on. Between every interaction with the other woman Emma is irritable and anxious about seeing her, but when she is in Regina’s company all Regina has to do is smile and all the pain feels worth it. Emma blames her mother.
Two weeks after the confession of feelings Emma is in Granny’s with Henry after work waiting for Regina to join them, when Snow comes over and invites them both for dinner, looking at Emma expectantly.
“We can’t, we’ve got plans,” Emma replies curtly.
“We were only going to play Overwatch,” says Henry, “we can do that another day.”
“You go kid, I’m not in the mood.”
“Emma…” Snow says imploringly.
“Not tonight,” Emma says firmly. Snow leaves, looking dejected.
“What was that about?” asks Henry when Snow leaves.
“Nothing,” she says. “I’m just not feeling very sociable today.”
“I can tell you’re annoyed with Grandma about something.”
“She’s been interfering in my life,” Emma says. “Trying to share information that’s not hers to share. She meant well, but it wasn’t what I wanted.”
“Does this have something to do with Mom?” Henry asks. “She’s been acting differently for the last week or so.”
“Differently how?” asks Emma, feeling even more annoyed with Snow now.
“She seems sadder. She’s still smiling and doing all the normal things, but it feels like she’s trying hard to convince me she’s happy.”
Emma feels guilty, for upsetting Regina and for the worry this has caused Henry.
“Your Mom will be okay and so will I. Because of Snow I told her something I think she’d have been better off not knowing, but it’s nothing bad, just a bit awkward.”
“What was it?” asks Henry.
“It’s probably better if I don’t tell you, it will just make things more complicated, you don’t need to be caught in the middle of our problems.”
“Okay,” says Henry. “But you know Grandma will probably end up blurting it out anyway, so you might as well tell me. They say forewarned is forearmed.”
Emma gives in. “I told your mother about my unrequited feelings for her,” she mumbles.
“Unrequited?” Henry asks, looking confused.
At that moment the door to Granny’s opens and they look over to see Regina walk in. “Act normal,” Emma says to Henry under her breath.
“Hi Mom!” says Henry very cheerfully when Regina comes over. “We were just talking about school, nothing interesting. I’m going to go to Grandma’s for dinner, but Emma’s not going to go, she just wants a quiet night in.”
“What’s going on?” Regina asks frowning, as she sits down next to Henry in the booth.
“Nothing,” Emma and Henry reply in unison.
Regina glares at Emma; Emma tries not to flinch. Henry is the one who cracks and Regina’s not even glaring at him. “Emma told me she has unrequited feelings for you,” he says.
Emma mentally goes back over the reasons why she has decided that she can’t just run away and start a new life without any of her family, because it increasingly feels like the only way to survive.
“Was it really necessary to drag our son into this?” asks Regina, and Emma is just about to reply defensively when Regina adds, “and who said anything about your feelings being unrequited?”
“I don’t know Regina, you may not have explicitly said you don’t feel the same, but saying we should continue as if I never told you makes it pretty clear!” Emma snaps back at her.
“It was what you said you wanted, for nothing to change,” Regina replies. “You only told me because your mother was going to, you obviously didn’t want to act on your feelings, so what would have been the point in me telling you how I feel?”
“I said I didn’t want anything to change because I thought you didn’t feel the same way and I didn’t want to mess up our friendship,” Emma explains, exasperated.
“You’re an idiot,” Regina tells Emma.
“You’re both idiots!” Henry says. Emma had forgotten he was there.
“Don’t speak to your mothers like that,” says Regina, but it's with a smile and no bite. “Didn’t you say something about going to your grandparents’ for dinner?” she adds.
“Sure, I can tell when I’m not wanted!” says Henry. Regina stands up to let him out of the booth. He kisses her on the cheek on his way past and then bends down to hug Emma.
“Don’t kill or maim each other whilst I’m gone!” he says to them on his way out of the diner.
When Henry’s gone Emma takes a breath and says “do you have feelings for me?”
“Yes,” replies Regina slowly, like she’s talking to a small child. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” says Emma. “I thought you’d be too upset about losing Robin and that even if you had feelings for me you wouldn’t want to act on them.”
“I loved Robin and I’m upset about his death. I’ve also been in love with you for a long time. The timing’s never been right and maybe other people will think it’s too soon after I lost Robin and you ended things with Hook, but I don’t care any more. I’m fed up of letting fate or other people dictate who I can be with when I know what I want.”
“So we say screw what anyone else thinks and get together anyway?” Emma checks.
“Yes,” says Regina. “We already know you’re mother approves.”
“You know she’s going to think that us getting together means she was right to try to tell you how I felt?” Emma points out. “Maybe we can hide it for a while.”
“I’m not prepared to hide my feelings any longer, not even from your mother,” states Regina.
“So you’re ready for the whole of Storybrooke to know?” Emma asks.
“I’d say everybody knowing about things that were none of their concern was par for the course,” Regina replies, so Emma slides out from her side of the booth, slides in next to Regina and kisses her. When they eventually break apart Emma sees that several people are staring at them. Granny gives her a wink.
“Shall we get out of here?” Emma asks with a grin and Regina readily agrees.