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Felix isn’t expecting Chris to come home tonight. He’s already got himself set up in the living room, snacks on the table and headphones on while he immerses himself in his video game. His hair is unruly and he put on his comfiest, oldest sweatpants. He’s yelling at the other players online to pick up some slack when the door to the apartment opens and Chris slinks inside.
It’s just past ten, so it’s still early by their standards for a Saturday night. Being home already doesn’t make sense. Quick and concerned, Felix exits his game and takes off his headset. Chris hangs his keys by the door and kicks off his shoes, shoulders hunched in his nice dress shirt.
“Hey,” Felix says carefully. “You’re back early? I thought you were staying over at Hyunjin’s?”
“Yeah,” Chris mutters with a jerky shrug. “We broke up.”
A beat of silence stretches between them. It feels like it lasts hours, when it’s really only seconds, and Felix isn’t sure he even heard Chris correctly. Because his words don’t make sense. Why would they? It’s his fucking birthday. He just left a few hours ago for his birthday dinner with his boyfriend, and now he’s slinking back into the apartment and saying they broke up. What the fuck?
“Um. Are you joking, mate?”
“Do I look like I’m joking?” Chris snaps, yanking off the tie he’s wearing and tossing it over the back of the couch. “Sorry,” he amends a moment later. “I don’t mean to snap. I’m just. Upset. I mean. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”
The video game is forgotten, the controller joining the snacks on the table so Felix can open his arms for his best friend. And Chris falls into him easily, flopping down on the couch and eventually situating himself so he’s laying on Felix’s legs, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes are cloudy, but his face is almost blank, like he doesn’t know how to react or how to feel.
Not that Felix can blame him.
Chris and Hyunjin have been dating for nearly six years. They’ve been pretty solid from the beginning, and it seemed inevitable that they would end up together for good. Chris is marriage material, after all, and Hyunjin wasn’t shy in complaining about how he just wanted someone to settle down with. And when Felix introduced them, he didn’t really think they’d start dating, but it made enough sense when they did, so he’s always been happy for them.
After all, Chris has been his best friend since childhood, and Hyunjin has been a close friend since they met in university and Hyunjin was an exchange student who didn’t speak English all that well. It made sense to introduce him to Chris, who could speak Korean fluently. The three of them got close, and Hyunjin confessed a while later that he liked Chris, and asked Felix if he thought Chris liked him back.
Hyunjin was twenty-two when he finally made a move.
Felix ignored the pang in his own chest when Hyunjin admitted his crush, and when they got together a while later. Felix was happy for them, he was sure he was just worried about third-wheeling.
Although it never felt like that, really. Probably because by then, he and Chris had moved in together, and so even though Chris was dating Hyunjin, he still spent most of his time with Felix. As the years passed, Felix kept expecting Chris to move in with Hyunjin instead, but that never happened. Hyunjin liked having his personal space, apparently, and Chris was happy living with Felix, so they just ended up visiting each other, spending the night with each other, and eventually going back to their own places.
It worked, and Felix remained close with his two best friends.
And now, six years have passed.
Chris just turned thirty. Literally. Today is his birthday.
And now he’s staring at the ceiling with tears in his eyes because he’s just broken up with his boyfriend.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Felix asks, brushing his fingers through Chris’s hair. It’s stiff with hairspray, straightened to look nice for his date. He didn’t say much about what they were going to do, but Felix wasn’t invited this year, so he assumed some kind of fancy dinner. Hyunjin seemed excited. Kept making jokes about Chris turning twenty-nine again and then asking what he should wear, if he needed to get a new outfit. Felix watched them bicker playfully just a few days ago, listening to Hyunjin saying how Chris should be excited for his birthday present in a suggestive tone that brought back that weird pang in Felix’s chest that he couldn’t explain.
But anyway, things seemed fine. This doesn’t make sense.
“I don’t know,” Chris says with a sigh. He blinks, and tears streak down his cheeks. Felix is quick to wipe them away for him. He knows how Chris hates to cry. “He dumped me. He—I guess he didn’t want—I don’t know. He wasn’t ready for things to get more serious.”
“More serious? You guys have been serious.”
“It’s just—complicated,” Chris says between a sharp intake of breath. “I don’t wanna start all over. I don’t—I don’t even know how to start over. I’m so terrible at dating, maybe I should just be alone.”
“Chris, don’t be stupid,” Felix says. “You’re amazing. Hyunjin wouldn’t have stayed with you for six years if you weren’t amazing. Do you want me to talk to him? Maybe this is a misunderstanding and—”
“No! No, please don’t. I mean, he’s your friend too, so of course talk to him, but not about this. It’s over. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I just need to be upset about it for a little while.”
There’s definitely something he’s not saying. Felix knows Chris better than anyone, but he chalks it all up to Chris probably not wanting to talk about it right now. That, or not wanting to put Felix in the middle, when he’s close with both of them. Still, it’s weird. Weird and sudden. Especially considering it’s Chris’s birthday and Hyunjin hasn’t said anything to make Felix think he was reconsidering their relationship.
“Well, you know I’m here to talk if you change your mind,” Felix says carefully, still petting Chris’s hair, stroking over his cheekbones until his face looks a little less pinched and he looks at Felix instead of at the ceiling.
“I know, Lix.”
“You’ll always have me.”
“I know that too,” Chris says with a weak smile. “This was just…my only super-serious relationship. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to pick up and start dating again. I’m thirty. Like, do I even have time for this?”
“Yeah, you’re thirty, that’s not old. Plus, you’re still hot and successful. I don’t think you need to worry about anything right now. You’ll be fine. I’m single too, you know? I’m not having a crisis about it.”
Chris just hums, looks away again. He’s insecure. Felix knows that, because Chris has always been insecure. He didn’t even believe someone like Hyunjin would want to date him, in the beginning. Felix can remember growing up, all the late night talks about not being enough. All the times they assured each other they didn’t need to be anyone other than themselves.
He remembers watching Chris change from an awkward teenager, into a man that truly shouldn’t have had anything to be insecure about. Sure, he wasn’t all that tall, but it definitely never made people like him any less. Felix watched on, at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, as Chris grew into himself and as people started to notice. He brought a girlfriend around once when Felix was seventeen. She wasn’t all that nice, but she was pretty, and Chris liked her.
And then she stopped coming around. Felix wasn’t all that sad about it.
Chris came out when Felix was eighteen and Chris was twenty-one. He dated a couple of boys. Nothing serious. A few more girls too. But the only consistent person in his life was Felix. Then, and still now, apparently.
Felix met Hyunjin when they were twenty and he was planning on moving in with Chris, who was pretty sure he was going to get offered a permanent position at the recording studio he worked for in Sydney. He was shadowing someone else back then. Felix was still in school, still finding himself.
For a while, Chris didn’t date anyone.
Neither did Felix.
They were so young back then, but on Felix’s twenty-first birthday, they got drunk and ordered pizza and commiserated about life and being single and everything else in between. It feels like yesterday, sometimes. Felix knew by then, about Hyunjin’s feelings for Chris, but it wasn’t his place to tell Chris about it yet.
So it didn’t feel like betrayal when he proposed a plan to his best friend.
“Hey.”
“Hm?” Chris had pizza on his face. His curls were long back then, spiraling down his neck and into his eyes.
“If we’re still single when we’re thirty, we could always just get married. You and me.”
Chris’s eyes had gotten all wide and it made Felix burst into laughter. “Really? A marriage pact? I think I’m too drunk for that.”
“No! That just means it’s the perfect time to do it! Come on, I would make a great husband! Plus, you know me better than anyone else, and clearly we do well living together. It would be great!”
Felix was definitely drunk. Chris was right. Too drunk for them to be agreeing to a marriage pact. Still, Felix grabbed a napkin and a pen and wrote it out in sloppy handwriting.
“Wait, I turn thirty before you. Is it when I turn thirty, or when you turn thirty?” Chris asked, taking the pen when Felix passed it to him to sign their agreement. Felix’s signature was already scrawled there.
“If we’re both single when you’re thirty, then we do it. If not, obviously we don’t. But then if we’re both single when I turn thirty, then we do it then instead. Either way.”
“Okay, okay. Whatever, fine,” Chris said, laughing, signing the napkin. “I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to marry you.”
“Aww.”
Felix had leaned across the table and kissed Chris on the cheek. Chris’s cheeks and ears were flushed red when he pulled away, but it was probably just from the alcohol. And anyway, they didn’t talk about it again the next morning.
But, Felix still has that napkin. It’s tucked away in one of his comic books. They have mentioned it jokingly a few times after making the pact, but then Chris started dating Hyunjin and there hasn’t been much of a reason to bring it up.
Until now.
Now that Chris is thirty and they’re, apparently, both single.
It’s probably not the best time to bring it up though, either, considering Chris just got dumped. So Felix doesn’t bring it up, even though he’s thinking about it and feels a little bit queasy.
“Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?” he asks, and Chris sits up with a loud sigh. He’s got circles under his eyes, and when he smiles, it’s forced. There are tiny lines there too, with the dark circles. He looks young, but sometimes Felix remembers that they aren’t kids anymore. Facing that fact that he’s getting older feels unreal. He feels like time is running out, sometimes, but he’s not sure why.
“Yeah. Maybe. We could watch a movie or something,” Chris suggests. “I’ll probably—maybe I'll want to talk about it in the morning. But it kind of doesn’t feel real. So it’d be nice to just hang, yeah? Yeah. I’d like that. But I’m gonna change clothes first. I’ll meet you in there?”
“Sure. I’ll bring the snacks.”
He didn’t make his bed earlier this morning, and there’s a few empty cans of soda on his desk, but it’s nothing Chris hasn’t seen before. They’ve been best friends since forever, so Chris already knows Felix can be a bit of a gremlin sometimes, even now, at age twenty-seven. Truthfully, Hyunjin was the neatest one in their weird little third-wheel-Felix trio. He’d be the one to clean up when he stayed over. But Chris is organized where Felix isn’t. Minimal where Felix is an avid collector of anything that interests him.
Still, he tries to straighten up in the few minutes before Chris comes into his room. That, and he changes into his nicer sweatpants, to be courteous. Then he grabs his laptop, powers it on, and fluffs out the pillows against the headboard. A few more minutes pass before Chris finally comes in, dressed in his usual basketball shorts and muscle tank, face washed and hair curling around the ends where it got splashed with water.
“What are we watching?”
Felix scoots over to give him room, and Chris lifts the covers and makes himself comfortable. They haven’t shared a bed in a while, more likely to fall asleep together on the couch on the nights they were alone. Not that they ever worried Hyunjin would mind, he knew their dynamic. But obviously Chris preferred to share a bed with his boyfriend, and if he wasn’t, he was probably up late working on songs or fitting in time at the gym.
“Whatever you want. It’s your birthday. Oh!” Felix shifts. “Do you want more cake?”
“Nah, we finished dinner. I’m full,” he says, leaning back. So whatever happened, it happened after their fancy dinner was done.
“Well, we’re finishing the cake tomorrow then,” Felix decides. “I worked very hard on it, I’m forcing you to eat it.”
“You know I love your cakes, so I’d be honored,” Chris says with a grin. His eyes look red, like he’d still been crying while changing clothes, but his smile is genuine enough, lopsided and sweet like it always is.
“Ooh,” Felix hums suggestively. “I love your cake too, babe.” Chris raises an eyebrow, like he doesn’t get the joke and Felix snorts. “Your ass.”
“Oh. Oh,” Chris snorts too, dissolves into giggles, ears turning pink again. “Shut up.”
“I mean, damn, Hyunjin is gonna miss that ass, I’m sure,” Felix rambles on, clicking around to open Netflix on his laptop. “His loss.”
Chris’s giggles fade off. “Let’s—I mean, I know you wanna know, and I know he’s your friend, but can we not talk about him tonight? Please? Sorry, I know you’re just joking around, but. I just. Um, yeah, I can’t really joke around yet and—”
“Yeah, no. Sorry. I’ll stop.”
So he does. They don’t need to talk about anything, truthfully. For a while, they watch a lame rom-com, but soon enough, Chris has his head on Felix’s shoulder, and he’s asleep, snoring lightly. He must have tired himself out from all the emotions of the evening. Before leaving to get Hyunjin, he’d been so excited, practically buzzing out of skin, shaking his fists while Felix cut him a slice of cake. He left the apartment with a huge smile, all dressed up and dimples flashing. And now this. Crying and alone and having to rethink what his future will look like.
Felix understands, to a certain extent.
He’s never been in a long term, serious relationship like Chris and Hyunjin’s, but he’s sidelined enough of it to know that this is going to be hard on his best friend.
So he does feel a little bit guilty when he exits Netflix and opens Google instead. Chris sleeps while Felix types in a simple enough phrase into the search bar.
marriage process in australia.
Stupid. Why he even cares so much about this pact is beyond him. But he’s curious. If Hyunjin and Chris don’t get back together, the pact is technically in effect. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. He knows Chris’s parents have been bugging him about finally settling down for good. And Felix’s parents are the same, only more persistent, because he doesn’t even have a long-term partner.
So, while Chris sleeps, Felix reads.
Even though he’s twenty-seven, he honestly doesn’t have much of a clue when it comes to getting married. Why would he? He doesn’t know the process or the paperwork, and as it turns out getting married in Australia is a little bit more complicated than he thought it would be.
He wonders if Chris already knows all this, all the steps. He probably does. Even if he’s never really said it, surely he’s thought about marrying Hyunjin. Enough to at least do this, look up the steps.
Felix finds out that it would take at least a month. Maybe longer. They have to find a celebrant—he has to look up what exactly that means—and then file some paperwork. A month feels like a long time. Definitely enough time to back out. And then there’s signing the marriage certificates and having witnesses and having a ceremony. They wouldn’t need some big celebration though. They aren’t in love. It wouldn’t be extravagant.
But what would it be for? It was a funny joke, a silly idea, when they made the pact. But in reality, besides getting their parents off their backs, what would be the point? How would they explain it to their friends?
Suddenly, the whole thing feels very stupid, and Felix feels like a kid, confused and lonely, so closes his laptop and sets it aside on the bedside table.
Time to grow up, he tells himself.
He turns off the lamp, moves around and gets both of them horizontal, and then settles against Chris, warm and solid and probably the realest thing Felix has ever had. The only person Felix has ever really wanted to spend his whole life with. They don’t need a marriage pact for that, but it would be nice to know if Chris felt the same.
For now, it’s enough to know he’s real. Felix drifts off with his body pressed close to Chris’s, like they’re kids again, and the only thing that matters is that they have each other.
~
Felix has woken up with his fair share of strangers over the years. Strangers, and casual partners. People he was dating, but not really dating. Nothing ever lasted very long and no one stuck out enough to make him wish it did last.
His friends don’t really get it. How could he not want a solid relationship, someone to come home to? Chris doesn’t get it. He’s always wanted what he had with Hyunjin. Consistency. But Felix doesn’t need it with a romantic partner when he has it with Chris. Not that he tells other people that, but it’s true. Why bother with a romantic partner who might just let him down, when he knows Chris won’t let him down and he’s always there for him. He comes home to Chris, and that’s enough. Well, he usually comes home to him. Eventually. Sometimes Chris isn’t home, but his weird hours never bothered Felix.
Neither does his snoring.
Felix has woken up with plenty of strangers, but he’d much rather wake up with Chris, even if he does snore.
He’s not really snoring all that loud, but Felix wakes up with Chris’s face tucked into his neck, so it’s enough to pull him out of slumber. Chris is kind of a giant puppy, always has been, and he’s got Felix trapped under his arm, curled tight around his waist. They didn’t fall asleep this way, but Felix doesn’t mind. He likes physical touch, and he’s missed this, with Chris.
Not the snoring, but the cuddling.
“Hey,” he whispers, poking Chris’s arm. He’s not usually such a heavy sleeper, and Felix wouldn’t usually wake him, but he has to pee.
Chris just groans and buries his nose further against Felix’s neck. His skin is warm, warm enough for Felix to realize Chris took his shirt off at some point in the night. Also not surprising, considering how he prefers to sleep with nothing on at all.
His hair is sticking up, curly in some places and still straight in others. Felix pats him on the head and pinches his cheek lightly until Chris stirs again, groans and squeezes tighter around his waist.
“Tired,” he mumbles.
“Yeah, but I gotta piss, dude,” Felix says, and Chris shifts, blinking slowly when he pulls back enough to take Felix in. He looks confused for a second, like he was expecting someone else. And maybe he is. It doesn’t hurt, just causes that same ache in Felix’s chest that he can’t explain.
“Sorry. Fuck, I’m so out of it. My head hurts,” he says, but he doesn’t quite move or let Felix get up. “Thought last night was a bad dream.”
“Um, you mean our movie night was a nightmare to you?”
“Shut up, you know that’s not what I mean.”
“No, no, I get it. You hate spending time with me. Your best friend. I’ve seen you at your worst and yet I get no love in return,” Felix drones dramatically, wiggling around to free himself and to throw the blankets back. Chris whines, but he lets him go and rolls onto his stomach, face buried in the pillows. “You should get up. You need to brush your teeth, your morning breath sucks.”
“I’m just gonna stay here and wither away,” he says into the pillows, ignoring Felix’s insults and not bothering to point out the fact that Felix is the one who went to bed without brushing his teeth last night.
“Don’t be so dramatic, I’ll be right back.” And for good measure, he smacks Chris on the ass before he gets out of bed, grabs his phone, and makes his way to the bathroom.
Sundays are a weird sort of day for them. Usually, despite his erratic work schedule, Chris will take Sundays off. Sometimes they’d be spent at Hyunjin’s, and sometimes he’d spend the day with Felix. It’s a limbo day, but it always ends too soon since Felix works a regular old nine-to-five and has to be up early on Monday morning.
But maybe they can do something fun today.
Last night feels a little fuzzy, and he’s sure it’s worse for Chris, but a small, mean, part of Felix feels a strange sense of relief knowing Chris is single now. It means they get to spend every Sunday together, no more Sundays alone in the apartment while Chris is with his boyfriend, and no more third-wheeling on dates they probably didn’t want him on. He’s selfish, maybe. Definitely.
Even when he unlocks his phone and sees a message from Hyunjin, that relieved feeling doesn’t go away. He wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s happy Chris got dumped, not when he loves Hyunjin too, it’s just…he’s not mad about it either.
Hyunjin’s message isn’t very long, and doesn't answer any questions about the sudden break up, but the last thing Felix wants is to lose a friend. So, even if he’s relieved, he’s glad to hear from Hyunjin.
hyune: hey lix i’m sure chan told you we broke up. i hope you don’t hate me and i hope he doesn’t hate me either. kinda need some time alone but i still wanna see you soon. talk to you later. xoxo
Felix responds as best he knows how, even though he’s nosy and he wants to know what happened exactly. Mostly he wants to know they’ll all be fine. Wants to know if he can stop feeling guilty about not feeling much at all about this.
felix: text whenever
felix: idk what happened exactly??
felix: super sudden??
felix: we need to
felix: get coffee soon
felix: doubt chris will give me
felix: all the details you know how he is
felix: i hope you’re alright, im here for you <3
Hyunjin doesn’t respond, probably taking that “time alone” he mentioned. So, Felix tucks his phone into his pocket, relieves himself, brushes his teeth and fixes his hair in the mirror. It’s grown out, roots dark and the rest mostly blonde. His parents give him shit for that too, more talk about how he needs to grow up. How he should be more like Chris, as if Chris isn’t a total dork too, he just hides it better.
And it’s not like Felix’s parents—and Chris’s own, to his face—haven’t had things to say about choices Chris has made. Their families are close, and it was hot gossip when Chris dropped out of university to pursue his career in music. His parents were livid. Felix’s parents were worried Chris was a bad influence, that Felix would drop out too, because he looks up to Chris so much.
Of course, the narrative changed when Chris actually made something of himself. Which wasn’t surprising to Felix. He never doubted Chris would make it, and would be alright.
He’ll be alright again, now, even if he’s probably freaking out about being newly single. He’s always alright.
Felix sighs in the mirror, pushing away any complicated thoughts to instead wonder about what they should do today, and makes his way back to the bedroom. He finds Chris still in the bed, only now he’s sitting up and he’s got Felix’s laptop in his lap, open while his eyes flicker over the screen.
“Checking your email?” Felix asks, coming around to jump back into bed. But as soon as he does, he sees that Chris is not looking at his email, but rather at the tab Felix left open last night. The article is right there, bright in Felix’s face.
“Um. Are you in a secret relationship I should know about?” Chris sounds apprehensive, like he’s the one that’s been caught.
“No, obviously not,” Felix says. He hopes his face isn’t as red as Chris’s is.
“Well. I dunno, I mean, do you have a wedding coming up that I should know about?”
The decision is made to be as casual as possible, so Felix rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Duh, don’t you remember?” he asks, teasing. He pokes Chris in the stomach. “We had an agreement.”
“Did we?”
“Yeah. I can’t believe you’d forget. I’m out here planning our wedding and you don’t even remember. How rude. Do you even love me?” Felix asks, turning up the dramatics, even as Chris starts sputtering.
“Our wedding? Felix—Lix, what the fuck are you—”
“Our pact, Chris, are you even paying attention?” Felix flops back against the pillows and looks up at Chris through his lashes. “You’re thirty now, remember? And newly single. So. I was just being diligent.”
“Oh.” Chris visibly swallows. “Yeah, no, um, I guess I do remember. The marriage pact. Yeah. Wow, that was forever ago, wasn’t it? I didn’t think you remembered that.”
Of course he remembers, of course he kept that napkin they wrote their plans out on. It was a defining moment in their friendship.
“So, when should we do it? I don’t have any big plans coming up. It was a very binding pact, after all.”
More sputtering. Ears becoming even more red. “Lix, I don’t—”
And Chris looks so serious, so nervous. Felix feels a swoop in his stomach, he laughs, and decides to take pity on his best friend. For now.
“I’m just fucking around, mate, relax,” he says easily. “I mean, the pact is definitely valid, but I’m just messing with you, you don’t gotta be so tense.”
Instantly, Chris’s shoulders relax. He tips the laptop shut and leans over Felix to set it aside again. But Felix still notices the tremble in his hands, and he does feel a bit bad about it. This probably isn’t the time to be joking about something like this. Or bringing it up at all. But it’s not his fault Chris saw the article open on his laptop. How else would he explain that? There really is no other explanation, and Chris would know that.
“Didn’t you go on a date, like, a week or two ago?” Chris asks, when he settles back against the headboard.
“Oh, um, I mean, I guess? It wasn’t anything serious.”
“I mean, you just aren’t the marriage type, right? It was a hookup?”
Felix scrunches his nose. “I could be the marriage type. But, yeah. It was a hookup. It’s just, I haven’t met anyone I would wanna settle down with. Why bother, right? I’m young, I don’t have to worry about that.”
“You’re only three years younger than me.”
“Yeah.” A pause. He feels defensive, but he doesn’t want to argue, not first thing in the morning and certainly not about this. “Look, it was just a dumb pact we made. We don’t have to talk about it again. I know you probably planned on getting married to Hyunjin. So. Let’s just have a chill day.”
“Yeah. Sure, Lix. Right,” Chris mutters, a funny sort of look on his face. It’s like he wants to say something else, but he decides against it. His eyes linger on Felix for a few long moments before he looks away, and eventually mutters that he’s going to go shower.
When he’s gone, and the shower starts, Felix crawls back out of bed again and snags the comic book off his bookshelf that’s been home to their little pact for all these years. It’s still there, of course, the ink slightly smudged and the edges crumpled. Their messy signatures are scrawled there at the bottom, just like Felix remembers.
I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to marry you, Chris had said.
Apparently he’s changed his mind.
Not that it matters. Not that it hurts. He’s right, Felix isn’t the marriage type. He doesn’t let people get too close, and he doesn’t bother with anything long-term. Relationships are a fickle thing, but just sex is easy.
Chris is easy too.
He’s comfortable.
What they have is comfortable. So, Felix tucks the napkin back into his comic book and tries to forget about the whole thing.
~
“Oh! Felix, it’s nice to see you, sweetie. We weren’t expecting you.”
“Mom, don’t say it like that,” Chris whines, even as he hugs his mother, and then his father before they slip inside, the soft pitter-patter of Berry approaching them when the door closes.
“Well, you know I don’t mean it negatively, but I thought Hyunjin was coming, that’s all,” she says, patting Chris on the shoulder. He tenses and shoves his hands into the pocket of his sweatpants. Felix tried to dress up a little nicer, but he feels overdressed now, unsure of why he thought he needed to try so hard to impress Chris’s family when they’ve known him his whole life.
“Yeah, well, he’s not coming,” Chris mutters. “We broke up, like, a month ago.”
Felix sees the shock on their faces. It’s not like Chris has been avoiding them…but he’s been avoiding them. He’s also been avoiding talking about the breakup in general, even though Felix has tried to get him to open up about it. He doesn’t even cry in front of him about it, after the first day, he acted like everything was fine, when it clearly isn’t. You don’t get dumped after six years and just be fine about it. Felix doesn’t have to have experienced it himself to know.
Thus, in all his avoiding, Chris has also managed to ignore his parents for a solid month, and their pestering for him to come over for dinner. But he can’t avoid his family forever. So here they are.
Felix came over for emotional support, and also because Chris’s parents told him to bring Hyunjin, and obviously he can’t do that.
Felix has texted a bit with Hyunjin, and he saw him in passing at a cafe they both frequent, just once. They didn’t sit down and have a full conversation though, and Hyunjin didn’t seem all that eager to talk about the breakup anymore than Chris is. It’s all very annoying. Felix feels caught in the middle, and very in the dark.
Still, he’s here, because Chris is his best friend and because he can’t pass up a home cooked meal.
“Broke up? What happened? You two were so serious?” his mom says, looking between the two of them like somehow Felix has the answers.
“Just decided it was for the best. He wasn’t looking for the same things I was. I don’t know, Mom. Can we not talk about it? I would rather not.”
“Okay…well, it’s nice to see you, as always, Felix. Your dad is grilling out back, Christopher, so you can go help him and Felix, if you want, you can help me in the kitchen.”
“Is Hannah coming?”
“No, just you two boys tonight.”
Chris sighs like that wasn’t the answer he was hoping for, and then he gives Felix a tight smile before following his dad through the house. It’s not awkward, really, when Felix follows Chris’s mom, but he feels like he’s interrupted something, almost. The house looks nice, and he notices the nicer dishes are set out on the table. Clearly, they were expecting more than Felix and Chris in his sweatpants.
“I hope it’s not a bother that I came. Chris didn’t want to come alone.”
“No, you know we love you,” she smiles. “I do wish he had given us a heads-up about the breakup. Do you know what happened?”
“No, he won’t tell me much,” Felix admits. “I think he’s having a hard time with it. I told him he should get back out there, but you know how he is.”
She hums. Maybe she thinks it’s too soon to get back out there. She almost definitely thinks Felix shouldn’t be giving Chris dating advice. She’s thinking something, that's for sure, it’s written all over her face. He almost wishes she would just say what she’s thinking, because Felix wants to get to the bottom of this whole thing too, but he doesn’t encourage her to continue on the subject.
Instead, they make small talk. She asks him about work, which isn’t nearly as interesting as what Chris does. He works in cyber security for a bank and it’s dull, but it pays his half of the rent. He tells her about some of his annoying coworkers and how he still volunteers at the rec center to teach dance to kids after work sometimes. Though, he hasn’t gone as much, because Hyunjin hasn’t been up to going with him, and he’s been preoccupied with making sure Chris doesn’t overwork himself and actually sleeps.
It’s fine. Actually, it’s nice.
He always likes spending time here, with Chris and his family. It’s like a second home, even when things are a little weird and awkward and Chris is wearing sweatpants in protest of what was meant to be a fancy dinner.
There’s been a lot of family dinners he’s missed out on over the past six years. Hyunjin was here instead, and it was fine, because Chris always came home with a big smile on his face, but Felix missed it. Even though parents can be dramatic, and family dinner can be stressful, he always reminisces about the times they’d all be here, or at his childhood home. Joint family dinners were popular back then. Still are, sometimes, but not as frequent, now that all the kids are older and have their own lives.
“Why don’t you go see if the boys are done out there,” Chris’s mom suggests, after Felix has put the wine glasses on the table. There’s flowers there too, roses. Red. Tonight was supposed to be something special.
He makes his way to the back door, where he can see Chris and his dad standing on the back porch. Chris has his shoulders hunched and his hands in his pockets and he’s frowning. Felix walks up slow, cracks the door, trying not to interrupt.
Okay, he’s trying to be nosy.
He’s not above being nosy.
“I just don’t understand,” Chris’s dad says with a sigh. He’s clearly finished with the meat, it’s all cooked, they’re just standing there, talking while it gets dark outside. “Weren't you going to propose? I’m not saying we expect you to get married or think you have to, but this is very sudden, Christopher.”
“Can you not call me that?”
“Don’t start that. I can’t believe that Hyunjin would suddenly not want to move forward with you. He’s always been a very sweet boy, you know we like him. You do know that, right? I know it was hard for us—for me—” he breaks off with a sigh. “At first. You dating a man. I know it took me some time to come around, and I’m still sorry for that, Chris, but we all loved Hyunjin.”
“I get it, Dad, seriously. It’s not a big deal. Sometimes things don’t work out.”
“You aren’t in your twenties anymore.”
“I know that. Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t—” Chris drags a hand down over his face and Felix swallows. “I don’t want—”
“Is this about Felix?”
The words cut through the air like a knife, and Felix feels it in his chest.
“What?” Chris’s voice comes out cracked, squeakier than he surely meant for it to be. Then he laughs, but it’s forced. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not. If it’s about Felix, then that’s fine. But you ought to be honest about it.”
“It’s—”
And then Felix clears his throat, the knife twisting right in his heart, even though he doesn’t understand why. This isn’t his fault. He didn’t do anything to cause them to break up. He’s been nothing but supportive of Chris, and of any of his relationships. So he doesn’t want to hear his parents talk about how this is his fault, how they’re too close, or whatever fucking excuse they’ll come up with.
Except, when they both turn to look at him, Chris’s dad doesn’t look angry, he looks neutral, and Chris looks caught. Red. Embarrassed.
“Ready?” Felix asks, plastering on his best smile.
“Yep. Be right in.”
And they are. And the rest of dinner, the rest of the evening, is awkward. But it’s not Felix’s fault. It’s Chris. He’s quiet and won’t look Felix in the eye. They don’t talk about Hyunjin, or the apparent impending doom of Chris entering his thirties as a single man. Instead his parents talk about how Lucas is doing in med school, and how Hannah is dating someone new.
Felix leads the conversation as best he can, and squeezes Chris’s leg under the table to try and make him feel better, but it’s truly the worst family dinner they’ve ever had. When they finally leave, skipping dessert (because there was a cake in the fridge and no one even mentioned it), Chris has another quiet exchange with his father before he ushers Felix outside into the night and into the car.
The drive home is quiet too, Chris chewing on his bottom lip while Felix tries to decide if he wants to laugh this whole thing off or call Chris out and make him talk about his feelings. Either option could go wrong. Chris doesn’t always respond well to prodding, but he’s usually more receptive to Felix, at least.
He has to know he’s acting weird. He has to expect that Felix is going to say something.
But when they get home, it turns out that there’s a reason he’s been so quiet. Apparently he’s been thinking about the one thing Felix has been trying to forget about for the last month.
“Chris—” Felix starts, a speech on the tip of his tongue about how Chris shouldn’t let his parents get to him and how he can’t hide from his emotions forever.
But Chris interrupts.
“We should do it,” he says. The apartment door has just closed behind them, and Felix is in the middle of kicking off his shoes.
“Chris you—do what? We should do what?”
“The pact.”
Felix blinks. “What?”
“The marriage pact. Let’s do it. You said it was binding or whatever. So fine. I’m so—I’m tired of it. Everything. Dating. Let’s just do it and we can, I dunno, like, be platonic partners or whatever. That sounds really gay, but like, I’m serious. We should. It was an agreement, and you aren’t seeing anyone, and I’m not going to start all over again, so let’s just do it.”
“Um.”
“Obviously we can get along. And it doesn’t have to be, like, I mean, anything more than what we have now. But we can just—it’s always been you and me, right? So I think we should do it. I’d be happy to marry you. Whatever kind of—even if it’s as my best friend. Because that’s what you are. You’re like—like a brother to me.” Chris stops. Felix scoffs. “No, no,” he continues quickly. “Sorry, that’s gross. No, I don’t mean it like that. I just mean we’re so close. And I love you. Right? Like, as my best friend. So we could be happy. And—”
“Please shut the fuck up,” Felix says, maybe a bit too loud, too abrupt, because Chris does shut up, and his eyes are wild and he’s too sweet for his own good. But he also may be having an early mid-life crisis. Chris isn’t the impulsive one between them. He’s the one that always has things planned out, and wants things to go according to that plan.
Felix just wants to live. As best he can.
So he’s just a little concerned. Sure, he could agree easily, because why the fuck not. Might as well. But a month ago, when Felix brought this up, even jokingly, Chris didn’t seem all that enthused about it. Now he’s rambling and frantic and his hands are balled into fists at his side to keep them from shaking.
“I’m sorry,” Chris says, while Felix leaves too much silence between them while he tries to think. “Maybe you really were just joking when you brought it up a while ago. Maybe you were joking when we made the pact. But, I just, I think it could be good. That’s all. And it doesn’t have to be romantic. Unless you don’t want to. Maybe that’s too much for you. I know you aren’t crazy about commitment and I like commitment a little too much and you did just have some guy over the other day, so if you were wanting to keep seeing him then that's fine and I’ll drop it. Or if, like, I don’t know, this is too weird for you after all then—”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah? Yeah what? Is it too weird? I’m—yeah—you’re right. What would we even—”
“No. I mean. Yes. I mean, yes let’s do it,” Felix interrupts. His mouth is moving ahead of his brain. He’s not really thinking much of anything, actually. His only goal is getting Chris to stop rambling. Other than that, there’s nothing going on in his brain besides a lot of white noise. Maybe that should be a red flag.
Maybe he needs to ask a few questions before he’s agreeing to this. But the white noise won’t let him think of any questions. He’s not even drunk, either, he didn’t drink enough wine for this and Chris didn’t have any, so neither of them are drunk enough for this.
“Oh,” Chris says eloquently. He swallows. The few feet between them feels like so much, and the apartment is so quiet. Felix actually jolts when Chris bursts out laughing. His smile starts out lopsided, one dimple deep and endless, like whatever the emotion is in Felix’s chest. And then it widens, until his eyes are little crescents and his other dimple joins the first. He leans over, head in his hands, and Felix feels a laugh bubble up in his own chest.
“That was—that was an awful proposal, you cunt,” Felix says, his own laughter not nearly as consuming as Chris’s is. He sounds breathless, though, and his voice cracks and Chris just laughs harder.
“I’m sorry,” Chris gasps out, and then he’s crouching all the way to the floor, and Felix kneels with him, a hand on Chris’s shoulder. His laughter shakes his body, but it fades out eventually, until he’s just shaking and not laughing at all. For a second, Felix thinks he’s crying, but when Chris looks up at him, his eyes are dry.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Are you?” Chris asks, which is definitely not an answer.
“I’m down,” Felix murmurs. Not really an answer either.
“I, um, it’s just that, you know, if I had to spend the rest of my life with someone…it makes the most sense that it would be you,” Chris says. “So. I’m sure. However you wanna do it. Whoever you wanna tell. Whatever.”
“What about Hyunjin?”
“We aren’t getting back together.”
“No, I know. But he’s still my friend. So he’s gonna find out, right?”
“It’s not like—I mean, I guess he will eventually, but we don’t have to make some big public announcement right away. And it’s not like it’s, um, romantic, right? So. It’s fine. I think it takes a month, at least, to be able to do it, so we have some time.”
Not romantic. Of course. They’re friends, and that does raise the question of why they’d even bother doing this. It cuts through all that white noise in Felix’s head and makes him wonder what that will mean for their future. It’s not like he has to have sex, but he enjoys it, so what does that mean? If he’s married to Chris, then he probably can’t have other partners, right? And Chris is all about finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right, so is he really just going to give up on that for a platonic marriage?
None of the questions get voiced though. He can’t really find it in him to ask. He doesn’t want to ruin this. Whatever it is. Because for whatever reason, Felix finds that he does want it.
“You’ll be happy, though?” Felix does ask, because that’s important. That’s the most important thing. Chris works so hard, he deserves nothing more than to be happy.
“Of course I will. I love you,” he answers, and Felix smiles, even though the words squeeze tight around his heart.
“I know you do. But you’d be okay…not being in love?”
Chris rolls his eyes. “You’ve never been in love and you’re happy.”
Felix punches Chris in the shoulder and he grunts. “Don’t be dick.”
“I’m not! It’s true, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but you don’t have to rub it in. Get off the floor,” Felix stands up and helps Chris up too. “We need to fill out some documents, don’t we? What was it called? Want to just do it, then?”
“Yeah, um, ‘notice of intended marriage’ or something like that. Um. Yeah, I mean, I mostly know the process. But I think we can, like, do it at the registry office? Obviously we aren’t going to have some extravagant marriage. So. Yeah.”
“Is that what you want?”
Chris runs his hands over his sweatpants and shrugs his shoulders, but he’s turning away and grabbing his laptop from the coffee table in their living room, opening it and setting it up in the kitchen. He doesn’t answer for a while, as he brings up the document online.
It’s not like he has to answer. Felix knows the answer. He also knows Hyunjin had a Pinterest board of wedding related shit. And he knows Chris is a romantic, too, at heart. Surely it would have been a grand occasion. Their parents probably would have wanted it in a church, and there would have been tons of guests. Maybe Felix would have been the best man.
Instead, they sit down together at the kitchen table and fill out their notice of intended marriage form. Just like that. Felix’s heart is pounding in his chest the whole time. Adrenaline. He feels like he’s eighteen again, kissing a boy for the first time when he went off to college. Doing something he thought he wasn’t meant to, but wanted. It feels like when he went out late at night with his first boyfriend, hardly a serious relationship, but it was exciting at the time. He remembers the adrenaline when they got high in his car, also a first, and then clothes came off.
Felix didn’t love him.
So it’s weird, the adrenaline rush now. Because he does love Chris, as best as he knows how. As his best friend, the person he trusts the most and who knows him the best. And he’s not a kid anymore. They’re both adults. But this still feels impulsive and a little stupid and a lot exciting.
It feels right.
“I’ll do some research on the whole courthouse thing. I think we have to make an appointment or something. Do you wanna do it sooner or later?”
“Anything. Whatever you think.”
“Okay. I’ll set the appointment for us, we can do it after you get off work one day.”
Felix swallows. “So business-like. You can’t take me on a date first?” he teases. The adrenaline is definitely making him say stupid shit. “Like, damn, not even a drink or anything.”
“Shut up,” Chris pokes him in the ribs lightly, but his ears are red. It seems like his ears are red a lot lately. He looks tired too, though, and it is getting late.
“We can go to bed,” Felix suggests, even as Chris is looking up what a marriage at the registry office entails. “You look tired, and it’s been a long day.”
“I’m fine.”
“Chris, c’mon. We can make the appointment in the morning. You have to listen to me, I’m going to be your husband, and that means I get new privileges, like making you sleep on time,” Felix insists.
“You already try to do that.”
“Well now you actually have to listen.”
“You know, you’re the only one I listen to anyway,” Chris says with a sigh. “Even Hyunjin couldn’t get me to bed if I was being stubborn about it.”
“Well. I guess I’m just built different, then,” Felix jokes, even though he feels like Chris is trying to be serious. “Come on. I’ll even rub your back if you want.”
“Ah, is this part of the new husband privileges?”
“Nah, just an excuse to touch your muscles,” Felix says with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Chris just laughs, and they go about their nighttime routine same as always. Brushing their teeth, side by side in the bathroom. Changing in their separate rooms, before Chris is coming to Felix’s room and turning down the comforter, sliding under the covers, his curls all poofy against the pillows.
This has been their new routine, though. Since Chris has been single. It wasn’t always their normal. But it’s nice. Domestic. Felix could be okay with this for the rest of his life, for sure.
There doesn’t have to be more. That’s what he tells himself when he gets in bed too, and Chris scoots closer so his head rests on Felix’s chest. He can love Chris without being in love with him. He can be happy. And surely Chris must feel the same, or else he wouldn’t have agreed to this.
“Love you, Lix,” Chris murmurs against his skin, and Felix threads fingers through his hair.
Just not in love.
Because being in love never lasts, and this will.
~
Felix and Chris don’t fight.
They’ve been friends their entire lives, pretty much, and in all that time, they’ve hardly ever had an argument. Chris brings this up when he schedules an appointment at the registry office, where they have to have some kind of interview before they can be legally married. It’s after work, and Felix is tired, and he’s in the middle of a video game, so he doesn’t point out the fact that they have fought before.
It’s rare, sure, but it’s happened.
But he doesn’t bring it up. Because the one fight, the main fight, that always comes to mind, is one he doesn’t like to think about.
He doesn’t like to think about a lot of things, though. He much prefers to just focus on the positive things, on having fun, on just getting through each day. And when the majority of their friendship has been nothing but good, why think about the bad?
Only. When Chris keeps going on and on about how this whole marriage pact is going to be perfect, because they’ve always been happy just the way they are, together, it makes Felix wonder if he’s trying to convince himself.
On top of everything, Felix is pretty sure Hyunjin is avoiding him now too.
And their parents don’t know what they’re planning.
It’s all just…a lot.
A lot of commitment and a lot of Chris smiling and rambling and seeming so, so happy. Which is usually nice. Felix just wonders if he doesn’t remember that fight, years ago. Probably best if he doesn’t though.
The last thing they need is for it to dredge up a new fight, or for it to remind Chris about how Felix can’t deal with commitment and feelings and anything beyond one-night stands and friends-with-benefits. Then maybe Chris wouldn’t want Felix after all.
Not that he wants him now.
This is just platonic, Felix reminds himself, as he focuses on his video game and not the impending doom of life. It’s just a pact we made when we were drunk.
~
3 years ago
“Do you want to get coffee sometime?”
Felix has one hand on the door, which is already half closed. “Oh. Yeah, maybe. I’ll see if I have time. I’m pretty busy this week, so. I don’t know.”
The guy in front of him hovers in the door frame for a few long moments, while Felix tries to mentally convince him to leave. Eventually, it seems to work, because he sighs and nods. “Alright. Well, it was fun. I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah! See ya!” And with a smile, Felix closes the door. Maybe it’s a bit rude, but he has no intention of seeing this guy again, and there’s no use in leading him on. Plus, he’s hungry. A snack is the number one priority right now.
After retrieving a bag of chips from the kitchen, Felix meanders his way to Chris’s room, where the door is open just a crack. That means at least that it’s safe to enter, and when he slips inside, he finds Chris sitting in bed with his laptop open and headphones on. He’s alone, no boyfriend over today, but it looks like he’s working.
Still, Felix climbs into bed next to him, his head resting on Chris’s broad shoulder. He realizes at the same moment that Chris is not just working on a song, but rather, he’s on a video call with two other guys. Felix knows who they are, despite not having had much interaction with them. Chris talks about them all the time, though, and how they’re working to form their own producing team with more freedom.
Jisung is easy to recognize, just from how Chris has described him, and Changbin waves on the screen when Felix comes into view. They’re both based in Korea, but they’ve still become close friends to Chris over their time working together.
Chris is quick to take his headphones off, and maybe Felix should leave, but it’s not like Chris has ever kicked him out while he was working before now.
“Hey!” Changbin’s voice filters through the laptop speakers now that Chris’s headphones are disconnected, and Felix waves back to him. His Korean is still a little rusty, but he’s able to understand well enough what Changbin says next. “Is this the boyfriend? He’s cute!”
Felix feels his face get hot, even as Chris laughs. “Ah, nah, this is Felix. My roommate. I mean, shit, sorry Lix, my best friend. But also my roommate.”
“Ooh. So he’s single then?” Changbin asks, which makes Jisung smack him in the chest.
“Stop flirting, this is a professional meeting.”
“We were literally talking about sports a second ago.”
They bicker back and forth for a few more moments, Felix properly introduces himself, and then they fall back into a comfortable rhythm. Chris puts his headphones back on and finishes up his meeting while Felix sits next to him, watching videos on his phone until Chris is done. The usual. It’s easy.
He’s not sure how much time has passed when Chris finally turns his laptop off, but he must be hungry. They should order something for dinner, but moving feels like it would take too much effort, so Felix just tilts his head back onto Chris’s shoulder and sighs dramatically.
“How was your date or whatever?” Chris asks.
“It wasn’t a date.”
“Okay. Well how was…whatever it was.”
Felix shrugs and digs into his bag of chips. Offers one to Chris, which he accepts. “It was fine,” he says through what is probably obnoxious crunching. “It was just a blowjob. Average. He wasn’t all that great, to be honest, but it was fine. I probably won’t see him again. I think he was kind of disappointed that I wasn’t in the mood to fuck, but like, I don’t know. He got here and I wasn’t even in the mood anymore, so I just sucked him off and called it a night.”
Chris hums, but even his hum sounds sarcastic, like he’s trying to act like he gets it when he doesn’t. “Sounds like a real fun time, dude.”
“I can feel you judging me.”
“I’m not judging you.”
“Yes you are.”
Chris looks at him, Felix can feel it, even though he doesn’t look back. He keeps his focus on his bag of chips. “If this is what you wanna do, then that’s cool. I just, I don’t know, I don’t get why you wouldn’t wanna settle down or at least try with someone,” Chris comments. “It seems like the revolving door of guys would get old.”
“Well it doesn’t, and it’s too complicated to worry about dating. Why does it matter to you?”
“It doesn’t, you’re the one getting all defensive,” Chris mutters. Felix can hear the judgment still seeping out of his tone.
“I’m not defensive, you asked me about it so I told you then you started trying to give me advice,” Felix replies, his voice raising. “I’m not like you, I don’t need to be in love to function.”
“Whoa, okay, I think maybe, um, we’ve lost the plot a little bit here,” Chris says with a nervous laugh. He shifts next to Felix, sitting forward so Felix is forced to look at him. “I’m not judging you. You can do whatever you want, you know I’m here for you. All I meant was you’re a great person, Lix, and if you wanted—”
“Well I don’t want to,” Felix interrupts. “You aren’t my fucking dad or my boyfriend, so I don’t need advice, okay? You can save it for Hyunjin.”
Chris opens and closes his mouth. He’s always so calm, so it’s uncharacteristic to see the shift in his expression. His eyes narrow and his jaw clenches and Felix isn’t sure why he’s being so aggressive about this, but he doesn’t like the way Chris looks at him sometimes, when he brings a guy over. It's a look of pity, really. As if Felix is secretly miserable. As if Chris has some perfect relationship and perfect life and he thinks Felix is missing out on that.
Felix knows Chris and Hyunjin have a generally good relationship, but they do argue. He’s heard them before, bickering and whispering in harsh tones. They aren’t perfect. And they wouldn’t even be together in the first place if Felix hadn't introduced them.
“Sorry if your hookup was shit, Felix, but you don’t have to be a dick to me about it,” Chris grits out. “And you’re right, I’m not your fucking boyfriend, but sometimes it feels like I have to act like it. Like, you come in here after you fuck some guy and then you get in my bed and want to commiserate about it so I have to be your boyfriend without—without the benefits. That’s shit, you know? And you’re my best friend so I’d never turn you away, but I already have a boyfriend and if you don’t wanna be serious that’s fine but don’t come at me for wanting different things.”
Chris stands up abruptly, his hands trembling while Felix sits there and gapes at him. He feels hot suddenly, unsure of how they even ended up here when things were fine a few minutes ago.
He can’t even really catch up to what Chris is saying.
He buffers for a moment, watching as Chris throws things into a backpack.
“Boyfriend without the benefits?” he finally says, and Chris doesn’t even stop what he’s doing to look at him. “What the fuck does that even mean? You wanna fuck me? Is that it? I can’t come talk to my best friend about normal shit friends talk about?”
“It’s not normal. You come in here and climb in my bed and you’re all over me and—and no I don’t wanna fuck you, don’t be ridiculous, but—”
“Sounds like you do. Sounds like you’re mad you don’t get the benefits. That’s what you said. Didn’t realize I was such a burden to talk to. Unless Hyunjin said something? Did he? Is this about him? Because you can fuckin’ move out, you know? Go live with him and his fucking dog and art supplies and fairy lights if you hate being around me and my hookups so much.”
Felix stands too now, and he’s properly shouting, his eyes stinging with tears. They don’t fight. This doesn’t happen. And now Chris is shoving clothes in a bag and maybe he is going to leave. Maybe this is it, all of a sudden.
The thought of being alone makes Felix feel like he can’t breathe. And he realizes, in that moment, that maybe he’s not as content as he thinks he is. Maybe Chris is right. But he’s not going to admit that.
“Don’t put words in my mouth. I never said I hate being around you,” Chris says. “And Hyunjin didn’t say anything. Sometimes I just—you just—I don’t understand you.”
“Where are you going?”
“Hyunjin’s. Maybe I will move out, you’d probably like that. Then you can have whoever you want over here, no judgment.”
Chris doesn’t look at him when he slips past him. Felix sees how red he is, and how a tear streaks down his face. He should take back what he said, should apologize, but he isn’t even the one who started this, is he? Chris should apologize. So Felix doesn’t say anything, just listens as the door slams when Chris leaves.
They’ve never had a fight this bad. Never had an argument so heated and so abrupt, where Chris walked away before they could talk things out. It leaves Felix reeling and crying himself to sleep.
Chris is gone for eight days.
Felix types out several long, strongly worded text messages to him that he doesn’t send. He calls three times, looking to fight, and Chris doesn’t pick up and Felix doesn’t leave a voicemail. He types out a few more texts that are apologetic and pathetic, begging Chris to just come home. He doesn’t send those either.
And then, Felix comes home from work one evening, and Chris is home. He’s got take out, and his hair is dyed blonde. He smiles when Felix walks in, and he doesn’t throw him off when Felix hugs him.
They apologize.
“I don’t wanna fight with you,” Chris says. “You know I didn’t mean those things I said. I was just having a stressful day and I needed to cool off. I’m really sorry.”
So they don’t really talk about it. But Chris is home, and everything goes back to normal, so it’s fine. Felix doesn’t need to dissect how empty he felt when Chris was gone, or the boyfriend without benefits thing.
They’re fine. They’re fine because they’re Chris and Felix and they don’t ever fight.
~
They have an appointment by phone for an interview with someone at the registry office. They have to go over their documents, that notice of intended marriage form or whatever-the-fuck, and book their ceremony. It’s mostly a blur. Felix sits there while they talk to a woman on speaker phone, Chris sounding wildly enthusiastic and upbeat while Felix’s hands shake in his lap.
His ears are ringing during most of the phone call. They’ve already gone over all the documents they need. Chris has handled most of it, truthfully, and Felix only really tunes in again when they start talking about the ceremony itself and the fees.
“That won’t be a problem,” Chris says easily. “We probably won’t have many guests, so the registry office is fine. Either on a weekday or weekend. Well, maybe a weekend would be better. I don’t mind if it’s a little more money.”
“Great! Are you hoping to book it sooner rather than later? We had a recent cancellation at the registry office venue closest to you, so you could book it as soon as a month from now.”
“Oh, wow, what do you think, Lix?”
Felix blinks. He never really imagined himself getting married. Although, he has imagined Chris getting married. Even if Chris’s main, long term, relationship was Hyunjin, and there wasn’t really anyone more serious before him, Felix still can remember thinking that surely Chris was going to make someone very happy one day. Chris is marriage material. Husband material. Neither of them really want kids, but Felix knows Chris has always wanted love and a life partner.
So he’s thought about it. What attending Chris’s wedding would be like. He always imagined it would be on the beach somewhere. He imagined Chris in something more casual, slacks and a button down, rather than a full suit. He’d probably want to straighten his hair, but Felix would convince him, as his best man, that it looks best grown out and curly.
There would be sand everywhere, and Chris’s mom would probably cry.
Chris would know the exact right thing to say in his vows. Something profound and beautiful that made everyone tear up.
And then they’d kiss at the altar. Chris would touch Felix’s cheek and lean in and his lips would be soft and—
No.
Not Felix.
Whoever it was he married. That’s what Felix imagined. Not himself, there. Not kissing his best friend.
Except…there will be a little ceremony. Will they kiss?
Fuck, they’re going to kiss, aren’t they? It’s expected. Wait, that means they need vows too. Has Chris already thought of this? Has he written them?
“Felix?”
“Oh. Oh, um, yeah, whenever is good with me. Sooner is fine. Um, how long is the ceremony usually?”
“Usually about fifteen minutes. You’ll be able to exchange vows and such, and then sign all the necessary documents, and we’ll take care of making sure everything is submitted for you. You’ll also need two witnesses to attend with you. It’s ideal if it’s someone you know,” the woman on the phone explains. “But if that date works for you, then we can set that up! It’ll be right after the holidays, and the weather will be lovely if you plan on having any kind of outdoor reception or celebration afterwards. We don’t offer that here, of course, but we can provide flowers and some small decorations if you’d like.”
“That’d be great! Okay! Wow, okay. Thank you so much for answering our questions,” Chris says. There were more questions? Shit, he probably should have been paying better attention.
That doesn’t make him tune back in for the rest of it though. Chris continues talking and all Felix really catches is the fact that their date is set for January 11th, and it’ll be on a Friday afternoon. He’ll probably need to take the day off at work. They also need to tell literally everyone in their lives that they’re doing this. Felix is pretty sure his parents are going to be both relieved and livid.
“Hey, you good, mate?” Chris asks, and Felix returns to the moment. The phone call is done, and Chris is standing from the kitchen table, squeezing his shoulders.
“Yeah. Just…it’s a little surreal, that’s all.”
“Yeah, I know. You’re still okay, though? Because, I want you to be okay. That’s all I care about.”
“I’m—yeah. Just, um, I guess I’m wondering why. Like why we’re doing it. Because, I know you said you’re tired of dating and stuff but do you really want to do this? I don’t want you to feel pressured because of some pact I came up with.”
Chris frowns. Shit. “No, I—I’m sure. Are you having second thoughts? I mean, I know maybe it’s stupid. But I’m really sure I want to. Usually I’m not one to make impulsive decisions, but this makes sense to me.”
“Okay. Yeah. Sure.”
“You don’t sound sure,” Chris says. “You need to tell me if you’re changing your mind.”
“I’m not. I’m just worried about you and how you want to be in love and all that shit. You have a whole life plan, and I don’t wanna fuck it up,” Felix explains. “But if I’m not fucking it up, then I’m cool to platonically marry you or whatever.”
He sees Chris swallow. Feels him squeeze his shoulders again. “I'm sure.”
“Alright. I won’t ask again, then,” Felix manages, even though he still wonders what the fuck Chris is going to get out of this. “I was thinking of making a new pasta recipe I saw for dinner. Want to help?”
“Oh. Yeah, sure. Wait, just a second though. I have something for you.”
And then he’s rushing out of the kitchen and into his room. Felix stays where he is, eyes on his phone laying on the table. He needs to text Hyunjin. Out of everyone, he deserves to know what’s going on. But maybe he doesn’t want to be friends anymore, considering he’s barely responded to Felix’s messages still and he won’t agree to meet up. Felix doesn’t want to pressure him, but it feels a lot like he’s losing a friend and he doesn’t want to betray Hyunjin’s trust even further by keeping this secret from him.
His parents might be confused and annoyed, and his sisters will probably be pissed they aren’t invited to the ceremony, but Hyunjin will probably never speak to them again.
Before Felix can decide on anything, though, Chris is coming back into the kitchen, holding something behind his back. Felix turns in his chair, about to stand up, when Chris suddenly kneels on the floor. Right away, Felix thinks his stomach is going to drop out of his ass. Or he’s going to pass out.
“So, um, this is really lame,” Chris says with one of his signature nervous laughs. “But I got you—well, us—something. Because you said my ‘proposal’ was shit, and it really was, and I know this isn’t conventional or romantic but I still wanted to get us something to, like, commemorate this? And just to show you that I do care about you a lot.”
“I—yeah—I know you do,” Felix stutters.
And then Chris produces a small velvet box from behind his back, and yeah, Felix is going to throw up. Chris is always sentimental like this, though. He’s good at giving, and he cares more than he should. Fuck, he’s still wearing the ugly-ass bracelet Felix saved up to buy him for his birthday years ago. He has it on now, chunky and a little less shiny than it was back when it was new.
Something like their friendship, worn a little over the years, more comfortable, but solid. A piece of both of them.
“Um, yeah, so, you totally don’t have to wear this if you don’t want to, but I thought you’d like it since you like wearing lots of rings anyway,” Chris explains, and he opens the small box, revealing two silver rings inside. Felix’s mouth is so dry he’s afraid he’s going to start coughing all over like a weirdo. “Do you remember how you told me about the moon on our birthdays? How they make a full moon together? Yeah, so, I got them engraved to make the moon for each of our birthdays. Yours has my moon, and mine has yours. Because, like, I feel like…more complete with you? And you always thought the moon thing was so cute, and—”
“I love—it’s really nice. I love it, Chris,” Felix interrupts, because he’s getting choked up now, and he’s not sure he can keep listening to Chris’s ramble. It’s too much. No one has done anything like this for him, ever. No one except Chris. Hyunjin got them friendship rings a while back, he’s wearing them now, but it wasn’t the same. It didn’t make him feel like the world was crashing down around him, and the only thing remaining was the two of them. Like the only thing that makes sense anymore is Chris.
“I was saving them for, I dunno. A birthday present? I don’t know, I just thought you’d like it. I always thought the moon thing was sweet.”
Chris takes one of the rings out and Felix lets him slide it onto his finger. It fits perfectly, though that's no surprise. It’s just a simple silver band, with a small engraving of a tiny crescent moon. The moon on the day Chris was born. The other ring has a nearly full moon, the moon on the day Felix was born. Waning gibbous and waxing crescent, Felix remembers. He found out about the moon thing through Hyunjin, ironically. He’s the one so into astrology and all that.
“It must mean you two were destined to be such good friends,” Hyunjin had said. And then Felix told Chris about it, too, just because he thought it was so interesting, and Chris had gotten all emo about it, like he does about everything.
“We’re just meant to be,” he’d said, half-joking, and maybe half-not.
And like an idiot, Felix just agreed: “Yeah, I don’t think I could ask for a better friend. Nice to know the moon has our backs, huh?”
So stupid.
And now, Chris slides his ring onto his own finger, and when he looks up again and smiles, Felix feels the urge to kiss him. It overwhelms him suddenly, and he has to look away, swipe at the tears gathering in his eyes.
“Thanks,” he says, even though his voice cracks and it’s embarrassing.
“Yeah. No problem. I’m glad you like it.”
Felix stands, and Chris does too. When he hugs him, it feels just like all the other times they’ve hugged. Just heavier. It makes this whole thing real. He’s engaged. To his best friend.
They’re so stupid.
“I’m gonna make dinner, then,” Felix announces, leaning away from the hug. If he looks at Chris’s lips, that's between him and whatever higher power is orchestrating this disaster.
“Alright. I’ll help.”
If Chris looks at his lips too, it must be Felix’s imagination.
And anyway, they’re quiet while they make dinner. It’s the same as it always is. Felix isn’t freaking out at all. He’s not overthinking at all. Actually, he’s pretty sure he’s just entered a mode of having no thoughts at all. His brain is malfunctioning.
He focuses on what he’s doing, on boiling pasta and making sauce while Chris cuts vegetables and hums quietly beside him. At some point, Chris slides up behind him, his chest against Felix’s back and his nose brushing the blonde strands of hair that graze Felix’s shoulders before he leans in further over said shoulder.
“Smells good,” Chris comments. And then he slides away, hand grazing Felix’s waist and the small of his back before he’s gone again. It makes Felix shiver, makes him stare at Chris’s back while he rummages in the fridge.
What the fuck.
Obviously Chris is attractive. It’s not like Felix hasn’t noticed before. He’s noticed for a long time. Actually, Chris is probably the reason Felix realized he liked boys in the first place, but that’s something to unpack for another day. Or literally never.
This whole marriage pact thing is just reminding him how great Chris is, that’s all. How he would make someone really happy. How he deserves to be in love. That’s all it is.
“What?” Chris asks, when he turns and catches Felix staring.
“Nothing. Just, you look—you’re hot.”
Chris laughs. “Damn. Thanks? I look like shit right now.”
“No you don’t. You look nice. Very husband-like, or whatever,” Felix jokes, to cover, because it’s not very platonic-fiancé of him to be calling Chris hot.
“I try my best,” Chris says.
“I mean, I don’t know how I feel about marrying you when you clearly have a better ass than me. It’s kind of unfair.”
“I’m starting to think you’re obsessed with my ass.”
“Everyone is obsessed with your ass. You literally have people breaking their neck to look at it when we go out, you know? You have a great ass. I mean, a great personality too. But like. I’m just saying.”
“No, no, I get it. You’re marrying me for my body.”
Felix laughs and stirs his pasta sauce, ignoring the heat that rises to his cheeks. “I mean, you know what they say about guys with big noses, so.”
“What do they say?” Chris sounds amused, but like he clearly knows what Felix is implying. But they’re just joking around. That’s all it is. It’s not flirting, because they’ve always joked around like this, and it’s never been flirting before.
“Never mind, I’m not further boosting your ego when you haven’t given me a single compliment in return.”
“I think you’re way hotter than I am,” Chris responds casually. And then, softer, “You're beautiful.” He takes the pasta off the stove and drains it, coming close again to help Felix mix it in with the sauce. He clears his throat and smiles. “You didn’t have to get hair transplants when you were twenty-six, so I mean, you have that going for you.”
“That’s because you’re chronically stressed and don’t listen when I tell you to go to bed on time. But I’d still think you’re hot even if you were bald,” Felix says with a grin, which makes Chris laugh again. He really has nothing to be insecure about, but Felix still thinks it’s important Chris knows how great he is. He should be more confident in himself. “I’d love you no matter what.”
Chris stops stirring, his face getting serious for a fraction of a second. Time suspends, just for a moment, and Felix thinks maybe he’s overdone it. He’s about to marry his best friend, but jokingly confessing his love is definitely too far.
They’re just staring at each other, and Felix thinks Chris must be able to hear the sound of his heartbeat.
But then Chris smiles, lopsided and perfect, and the moment passes.
Dinner is like it always is. They talk about the things they always talk about. Work and friends and video games and life in general. Chris makes Felix laugh until his stomach hurts. Everything is normal. Except the way Felix finds himself watching Chris’s tongue dart out to lick sauce from the corner of his mouth. Watching when he laughs, because it’s cute, and the veins in his arm even when he shakes his fist happily because he likes the food.
Not that it means anything. He’s just. Noticing things.
They skip dessert since it’s getting late, and Chris does the dishes while Felix puts away the leftovers.
Eventually Chris migrates back to the living room and sets up his laptop and some of his equipment he uses when he’s working on a song. Felix watches him, his fingers across the keyboard, the ring that he’s wearing now and bracelet he never takes off.
“I gotta work on a song and email a couple clients, but I promise I’ll come to bed before midnight,” Chris says as he puts his headphones on.
“Alright. I’m gonna shower. My room or yours?”
“Your bed is bigger.”
It’s probably not normal to sleep in the same bed as your best friend and roommate nearly every night. But that’s what they’ve been doing, since Chris has been single. An unspoken new normal. Not that they didn’t do it before, but now it’s been literally almost every night that they end up sleeping in one of their rooms together.
Not that Felix is complaining. He’s a physical person, and he loves cuddling. So that’s really all it is. There’s nothing weird about it.
But now, as he starts the water for his shower, he wonders again what anyone else would think, if they were looking in. He doesn’t tell his other friends about how he shares a bed with Chris, or how sometimes Chris holds his hand or rubs his back or pets his hair to help him fall asleep. It’s not a secret, but it’s…well, it’s a little weird. He certainly has never told Hyunjin. But surely Hyunjin noticed, over the years, how close they were. And he never said anything.
So it’s fine.
It’s fine when Felix steps into the shower and closes his eyes and imagines what life might be like in a few years. A few years of being platonically married to Chris. Will it last?
He sighs and tilts his head under the water, too tired to keep worrying and wondering. He washes up quickly and doesn’t bother drying his hair when he gets out, instead just wrapping up in a towel, and hurrying back to his room. Chris is still engrossed in his work in the living room, so Felix changes into some boxers and flops down onto the bed to have his nightly social-media-scroll.
He’s about to open instagram, maybe go like all of Hyunjin’s pictures to try to get him to respond, when his phone pings with a notification. From Grindr.
Honestly, and Felix is nothing if not honest, he forgot he still had the app downloaded. It’s not like he’s some crazed sex addict, after all, and it’s been a little while since he’s been with anyone or gone out. He’s been preoccupied with other things. But he still feels guilty when the notification pops up. Chris surely doesn’t have dating apps still downloaded on his phone. Well, he probably hasn’t ever had dating apps on his phone.
Deleting the apps would be a good idea.
The last thing he wants is to cause an argument, or for Chris to feel like Felix isn’t taking this seriously. Everyone already thinks he’s the less serious one between the two of them. Deleting the apps doesn’t feel very monumental. It’s just the right thing to do. He opens Grindr first though, so he can erase his profile. There’s several unanswered messages, as it turns out, but he doesn’t bother opening them, just closes his account and then deletes the app.
Although, now that he thinks about it, and the app is gone, he is kind of horny. Not that he’s going to redownload the app or do something stupid. Actually, he tries to ignore it for a solid five minutes, before he sighs and tosses his phone aside and listens through the slightly open door. He can hear the tapping of fingers on a keyboard, so Chris is definitely still working with his headphones on. He’s probably going to be another hour at least.
They’ve been living together long enough for Felix to know how to keep it down, too, so he’s not nervous when he grazes his hand over his cock through his boxers. He’s not really hard yet, but it won’t take much.
He feels a little bit tense though. There’s too much on his mind lately, and he needs this. Not that he has to justify jerking off, it’s just that something about it feels weird with everything that’s been going on with Chris.
Chris.
Okay. He shouldn’t be thinking about Chris right now.
His hand skims up over his chest, bare skin breaking out in goosebumps when his nail catches over his nipple. And maybe if he thought he had time, he’d tease himself a little more, but he’s not feeling all that patient, so he shoves his hand down into his boxers and grips himself, biting his lower lip as he strokes himself until he’s hard.
Eyes fluttering closed, Felix tries to imagine the last guy he was with. Something. Anything. He’s not going to combine the risk of jacking off with his best friend in the living room with also watching porn while his best friend is in the next room.
The problem is, the last guy he hooked up with wasn’t all that memorable. Like, it was fine. He came, sure, but it wasn’t mind blowing.
Still, he imagines the hands on his body, sliding across his waist and in his hair. He thumbs over the head of his cock, but his imagination isn’t really doing it for him. With a frustrated sigh, he tucks the waistband of his boxers under his balls, the cold air against his cock making him shiver.
And for some reason, he thinks about how Chris touched him in the kitchen earlier. There wasn’t even anything sexual about it. Just, the way Chris touched his waist, the way he pressed against him…
He shivers again, just like he did then, his thumb collecting precum and smearing it down his shaft. He thinks of Chris pressing against him in other ways, hands warm on his hips and lips against his neck.
“Fuck.”
The word breathes out of him, soft and barely audible as he speeds up. He could use some lotion, or some lube, but he’s way too lazy to try and get it, and he’s already in too deep. Already thinking too much about Chris’s lips, how plush they are and how he bites them when he’s thinking and how they’d look wrapped around a cock. Around Felix’s cock. Slick and swollen as he takes him down to the base.
Felix imagines his hand tangled in soft curls, imagines the sound of Chris’s voice, rough, and how he’d whine as he swirls his tongue and hollows his cheeks.
He imagines hands on his thighs. A lopsided smile before kisses are placed along the curve of his ass. The flex of muscles when Chris crawls over him, kisses him, when his cock brushes against Felix’s. Smooth expanse of pale skin and a flushed cock against his own lips and and a blur of movement, bodies tangled and—
—and then he’s cumming, abrupt across his stomach and chest with a bitten off moan.
It rips through him before he can really have it in mind to be more quiet, but as soon as it’s over he crashes back to reality and realizes what the fuck he’s just done.
Fuck, Chris would probably hate him. He hates himself, a little bit. His hands are shaking as he grabs a handful of tissues and attempts to get rid of the evidence. He’s never thought about Chris while getting off before. Not really. It’s not like he can always control exactly what thought decides to pop into his head. It’s not like he’s never seen a flash of Chris in his head before during…this, but not so clearly. Not so purposefully.
So when he hurries back out of his room, he avoids looking in Chris’s direction on his way to the bathroom to wash his hands. In fact, he may never be able to make eye contact with Chris again. Ever.
He’s washing his hands, scrubbing over the ring Chris literally just gave him, which he just defiled, when Chris suddenly appears in the bathroom.
“Hey. You good? I’m coming to bed, I can’t focus on the track so I’ll work on it in the morning.”
“Huh? Oh. Yeah. I’m good. Just, uh, had to piss.”
“Oh. With the door open?” Chris chuckles, grabbing his toothbrush. “Guess we’ve seen worse though. Remember that time you got food poisoning and threw up all over me? Good times, huh?”
“What the—wow, thanks so much, bro,” Felix says with an exasperated laugh. At least any lingering horniness dies with that memory, though. “Love when you bring up my top ten most embarrassing moments.”
“Is that one in the top ten? I dunno, I could probably think of worse incidents.”
“Please do not. If you do I’ll have no choice but to bring up yours, and trust me, I have good ones,” Felix threatens. ‘Good ones’ like the time he accidentally walked in on Chris changing, and he got a full view of his ass. Which, honestly, was probably more embarrassing for Felix and he was just grateful at the time that he saw ass and nothing else. Although, he needs to stop thinking about Chris’s ass right now. And his back, and the muscle he’s worked so hard to build.
He also shouldn’t think about all the incidents when he’s heard Chris and Hyunjin fooling around. It’s never been anything too crazy, but it was inevitable. Chris has probably heard his fair share too. Felix shakes his head, as Chris scrunches his nose and concedes they should leave their top ten embarrassing moments to rest.
Instead, he puts his toothbrush in his mouth, and Felix has to look away because he starts staring at Chris’s lips and thinking about what he was thinking about a few minutes ago.
He flees the bathroom, back to his bedroom, where he rummages through his closet for a t-shirt to put on. They can’t keep sharing a bed and pretending it’s normal. And they definitely can’t be sharing a bed while Felix is practically naked. He loves the contact, loves feeling Chris’s hands on his bare skin, but…apparently he likes it a little too much.
Turning to the mirror, t-shirt in hand, Felix assesses himself. He’s flushed, just enough in the face for it to be noticeable, even though he’s got a tan from going to the beach with Chris last weekend. And he looks guilty. His hair is still damp and sticking to his forehead and he huffs, pushing it back. His roots are getting worse, dark against the light blond. He’s going to have to do something about it before the wedding.
It doesn’t matter, a nasty little voice reminds him. He doesn’t see you that way.
I don’t see him that way either, Felix fights back.
He just wonders what Chris does see, that’s all. He says he likes Felix’s hair like this, but he said he liked it when it was shorter and dark, too. So he must like it no matter what, right? Or else he’s just being a good friend. Good friends compliment each other’s new haircuts.
But what else does Chris see? What else did he see that made him agree this pact was something he actually wanted to agree to? Chris plans for the future, and Felix isn’t even sure what he’s bringing for lunch tomorrow.
And sure, Felix knows he’s not ugly. He’s not insecure anymore, not really. But as he stares at himself in the mirror, he feels…silly. Freckles litter across his bare skin, his face and shoulders and a few down his arms. There’s the beauty mark in the center of his chest. And he hasn’t shaved, suddenly worried about that too, eyes following the dark line of hair that leads into his boxers. Hyunjin was always perfect. Always looked like some kind of model, tall and sleek. Felix suddenly feels like the opposite, even though he’s been working out too, and even though he has abs now and can lift weights heavy enough to impress Chris’s gym bros whose names they don’t actually know.
But does any of it impress Chris?
He swallows, shrugs on his t-shirt. He has to agree with that nasty little voice in his head. It doesn’t matter.
He’s not trying to impress Chris.
That’s what he’s going to tell himself until he can be normal again. That’s what he tells himself as he gets back in bed, curling up under the comforter until Chris comes in. He’s got just his sweatpants on, slung low on his hips, so Felix can see the waistband of his briefs and the V of his muscle and the bit of his hips that has more give. The whole thing is making it really hard to be normal.
At least once he’s in bed, all there is to look at is his face. Chris settles against the pillows and doesn’t even complain that they’re damp from Felix’s hair. He just smiles and brushes the back of his hand gently over Felix’s cheek.
“Do you miss him?” Felix blurts out, and Chris’s hand pauses, before it smooths over the crease between Felix’s eyebrows.
“Um. A little, yeah. I’m still sad about it. But I’m also okay with it.”
“I miss him being around. I think maybe he hates me now for some reason,” Felix begins. Saying Hyunjin’s name now, after what he’s been feeling today, feels wrong, so he doesn’t say it. Chris knows what they’re talking about anyway. “But I’m also really selfish and—and this has all been nice. I missed having you all to myself. That sounds so shitty and obviously I want you to be happy, but. Yeah.”
“You aren’t selfish. Things have been nice. Being with you always makes me feel better, so it’s been easier than I thought, yeah? Like, it hurts, but I know I’ll always have you and that makes it a little easier. We’ll always have each other,” Chris murmurs. His voice is a little slurred just from being tired, and his smile is lazy.
Over the years, they’ve had lots of late night talks like this. Especially when they were kids, when Felix felt like life was falling apart around him and the only person who could fix it was Chris. He was safe, when all Felix had were the kids at Catholic school who couldn’t possibly understand everything that was going on in his head. But Chris always understood. Always understands.
Felix isn’t sure what he would do without Chris.
“It’s better, with us,” Felix says decidedly. Chris is still gently stroking his cheek, this sort of dazed look on his face. He gets like that sometimes. It’s overwhelming, but comforting. They didn’t always cuddle this way. Felix has always been touchy, but for a long time, he kept his distance with Chris. Of course, when they started living together, that changed. Chris asked him point-blank why he wasn’t as cuddly with him, and Felix didn’t really have a solid answer. Maybe he thought Chris wouldn’t want him to be. Maybe it was just some weird feeling. But once they broke the ice, it was easy. Like everything else between them.
“Better? What’s better?” Chris asks. Fingers in Felix’s hair. Down along his neck. They’re close enough, face-to-face, so Felix can smell the mouthwash they both use.
“Us. Like, it’s better, how we’re doing this. Because relationships always end, right? Falling in love means you’ll just keep falling and falling, but you have to hit the ground eventually, right? And then everything shatters and it’s over. But that won’t happen with us.”
Chris swallows. “Love isn’t always like that, Lix.”
“I mean, it kind of is. You’ve dated other people. You know what I mean. I’ve never been in love like that, but you know how it is. And I’ve seen it, with friends and your other relationships. You fell and then you hit the ground and that won’t happen with us because we aren’t falling.”
“Yeah. Sure, yeah, I mean. Right,” Chris agrees, clearing his throat. His hand falls away, tucks under his pillow. “But still. Love doesn’t always feel like you’re falling and waiting to hit the ground. That’s kind of a gloomy way to look at it.”
“Well I just mean that it’s a good thing we don’t have to worry about that.”
“Yeah.”
“Because we’re like brothers, right? Isn’t that what you said?” Felix teases, and Chris groans, pulls the sheets up over his head to hide.
“Shut up,” he whines. “You don’t have to keep bringing that up. I’ll divorce you if you bring that up after we get married.”
“Oh, yeah? That’s not very brotherly of you.”
“I hate you.”
“Yeah, yeah. But you still wanna marry me, so I guess your standards must be pretty low.” Chris just whines again, still hidden under the blankets. Felix reaches out and tickles him in the side until Chris squirms away and peeks back out again, a smile on his face. “You can be the big spoon tonight,” Felix decides, when the eye contact gets a little bit too intense.
He rolls over and turns out the lamp, and after a few minutes of shuffling and getting comfortable, Chris’s arm drapes over his waist and his hand finds Felix’s. They’ve both still got the rings on, and Felix squeezes Chris’s hand gently, feels the nudge of Chris’s nose against the back of his neck.
This isn’t what falling in love feels like. Not at all. Because he feels safe here, not like he’s catapulting into something unknown. Falling is scary. And Chris has never been anything other than a safe place to land.
~
“You look like shit. Did you sleep last night?”
Felix grimaces through a sip of black coffee, the only thing he can make in the breakroom at work. Seungmin is watching him from where he’s lounging, slacking off, eating a bagel. The bag next to him, from which the bagel came, says ‘Joann’ on the front. Joann works at reception. They all hate Joann.
“I slept,” Felix answers. “I overslept. I was rushing this morning.”
“Ah. Up late with one of your many suitors?”
“No, I deleted Grindr, I’ll have you know.”
At that, Seungmin looks surprised. He’s always down to listen to Felix’s gossip. Anything to avoid the customers at the bank and having to actually do his job. But he is one of Felix’s best work-friends. And gossip is fun, so he’s never opposed to telling Seungmin the ups and downs and his non-dating life.
“I’m shocked. Have you returned to Catholicism?”
“Over my dead body. No. Things have just—it’s not a big deal.”
“Whatever you say. Jeongin said you requested some days off in January. Are you going on vacation? He’s mad because he was thinking of requesting those days and now he can’t. He’s so dumb, like, he literally wasn’t even going to ask for those days. Such a baby.”
“He’s literally your friend, you posted a picture at the mall with him last weekend?”
“Duh, he’s my friend. That’s why I get to call him out on being a baby. Anyway, don’t change the subject. I have half a bagel and a full day ahead of me. Give me something to work with, Lee.”
Felix sighs and takes another sip of his truly disgusting breakroom coffee. He barely even had time to eat anything this morning, and he wonders if Joann has anything else he could steal in the fridge. More than that, he’s just not in the mood to be here.
With everything that happened last night, he forgot to set his alarm before he fell asleep so he woke up feeling frantic and disoriented. Well, he also woke up with Chris still spooning him, nose against his neck and breath against his skin. It was nice. It was really nice. So at first, he just wanted to settle back in and go back to sleep.
Except Chris had his hand slipped under Felix’s shirt and he was definitely sound asleep because every few seconds he would snore softly. But Felix was hard. Like, yeah, okay, morning wood is a thing, but it was a very prevalent issue and ultimately what jolted him awake fully. And then he noticed the time and he made some loud, unintelligible noise. He’s pretty sure he nearly gave Chris a heart attack, because he jumped behind him and then Felix was running out of his room to hide and also to try and make himself presentable for work in twenty minutes.
So the day isn’t exactly going well so far.
“Come on, what’s your request off for, at least,” Seungmin urges. “Anything fun?”
Felix sighs. He hasn’t told anyone. Not a single soul. He didn’t even tell his boss what the days off were actually for. But the secret of it, if it even is meant to be a secret, is starting to eat at him a little. He’s generally a pretty private person, he doesn’t go around telling everyone all his business, but he does like gossip and he’s not shy. He doesn’t mind talking about things that don’t mean anything. Like his hookups. He doesn’t care about it, so he can gossip about it.
This, though. This means something, doesn’t it? So it feels harder to talk about. Maybe if he felt less about it, he could talk about it more. Something is probably wrong with him.
Still, Seungmin is a work friend. It’s casual. He's not going to tell anyone else and he’s not going to freak out. And Felix needs to tell someone, doesn’t he? Eventually he’ll have to tell everyone, so Seungmin will make for good practice.
“Um. Well, actually, it’s kind of funny,” he begins, staring down into his paper cup of coffee. “I’m getting married.”
Seungmin coughs. It takes a lot to get an exaggerated reaction out of the guy, but his eyes are blown wide when Felix looks up at him.
“Married?” he asks.
“Yeah. January 11th.”
“Dude! To who? Oh my god. I didn’t know you were that serious with anyone! Wow. This is weird. I can’t believe I’m at the age where my friends are getting married.”
“It’s, um, well, it’s not really a big deal,” Felix explains with a slight shrug. “I’m marrying my best friend.”
“Ugh. Gross. That’s so cheesy. That’s what everyone says. Like, oohhh good for you for being so happy.” Seungmin rolls his eyes and waves his bagel around. “I mean, I’m happy for you, but like, so gross and—”
“No, I mean. Chris. You know? My roommate? He’s my best friend.”
“What? You’re dating him? He came and brought you lunch a couple times, right?” Seungmin asks. “He’s jacked. I mean, he’s hot I guess. I thought he was dating that other guy? The tall one that looks like a model? Did they break up? When did you guys get together?”
“We didn’t. We aren’t dating,” Felix deadpans, and Seungmin stares at him like he clearly doesn’t understand.
“What does that mean?”
“We’re just—it’s a long story, okay, but basically it’s platonic. We’re getting platonically married. He broke up with his boyfriend and I’m single, and we had this agreement that if we were both single when he turned thirty then—”
“He’s thirty?!” Seungmin yells. “Oh my god, we’re getting old. I’m gonna cry.”
“He’s not—no we aren’t. Jesus.”
“Wait. Okay. So you guys are just friends. And you’re getting legally married?”
“Yes.”
“But why?”
Felix hesitates, mouth open and brain buffering. He’s been asking himself the same thing, hasn’t he? But he’s also been ignoring the question, and whatever potential answers there may be.
“Just because. We made a pact about it. I don’t know. We just decided to.”
“Well, yeah, but why?” Seungmin repeats. “It’s not for a visa, you’re both from here, and I know you said he’s doing pretty well financially with his music work or whatever, but you make decent money here too. So it’s not money. And you already live together. So why? What’s the point?”
The door to the break room opens then, and Jeongin comes in, looking tired and a little bit irritated, but that also may just be his face. He gives Felix a smile and then takes the cup of coffee from his hand and chugs the rest of it. “What’s the point of what?” he asks.
Seungmin looks at Felix with his eyebrows raised, but he doesn’t clarify. It’s more of a ‘are you going to tell him, or should I’ type of expression. And he is going to tell Jeongin, Felix knows that for sure, because they’ve been friends longer than Felix has known them, so Seungmin doesn’t owe him anything.
They’ll probably laugh about it.
Fuck, his parents will probably laugh about it. They’re going to think he’s ridiculous for this. Chris hasn’t said what he’s going to tell his own parents. Are they going to tell them it’s not romantic or are they pretending that it is?
If they’re honest, what are they supposed to say when other people ask why? He doesn’t have to explain himself to Seungmin necessarily, but he will have to with his family.
“I need to get back to work,” Felix announces.
“Let me know if you need help with wedding planning!” Seungmin calls after him.
“Wait, what?” Jeongin says, but Felix is already out of the breakroom and beelining it to his office down the hall. He doesn’t need this right now.
For once, he actually tries to get work done. Focusing on work instead of everything else is the better option for the day. He takes his lunch in his office too, because the last thing he wants is to continue to be interrogated by Seungmin about the why’s of his decisions.
He does scroll through his socials while he eats though, finding his way to Hyunjin’s profile. He last posted two days ago, a selfie from work or something, if the blazer he’s wearing is anything to go by. Felix clicks the picture, likes it, and notices that Chris has also liked it. So they still follow each other. Have they spoken at all? Probably not, but Felix isn’t sure why he thought Hyunjin must have blocked Chris.
He just seems like the type. Clean break. Why else would he be avoiding Felix? They used to talk nearly everyday, or at least text. Hyunjin was his closest friend after Chris. Now it’s dwindled to nothing.
He switches over to his texts, to the few responses he’s gotten over the past weeks. Mostly it’s just Hyunjin turning down his suggestions to meet up. But now the holidays are almost here, and Felix does have a gift for him. If nothing else, Hyunjin enjoys gifts.
felix: hey jinnie
felix: i’m just texting because
felix: i really miss you
felix: we need to hang out soon
felix: are you free anytime?
felix: please text me back
He doesn’t get a response right away, but it does eventually come as he’s nearing the end of the work day. His phone pings with a notification and he expects it to be Chris, but when he sees Hyunjin’s name, his stomach flips.
hyune: hey felix!
hyune: sorry i’m actually going home to visit family for the holidays! lol so it’ll have to be after new years! but i miss you too
hyune: we’ll find a time when i get back, okay?
hyune: have a good holiday
Well shit.
He can’t exactly accuse Hyunjin of avoiding him just because he’s going to Korea for the holidays. But he hasn’t gone home for the holidays in several years, so it definitely feels a little bit like that’s the case. And it’s worse now, because after new years, he’s only going to have a few days before he’ll be married to Chris. Which means he’s either not going to tell Hyunjin, or he’s going to tell him days before it happens. Or after.
Whatever.
He can’t worry about it now. It is what it is. He’s already made his decision, after all, and Hyunjin made his too, when he broke up with Chris. If he can salvage the friendship, then we will, but this is just how things go.
Everything ends, apparently.
Felix tries not to worry about it anymore for the rest of the day. He ignores Seungmin’s teasing when he leaves work and he stops by the grocery store on his way home. It’s more for distracting himself than anything else, but he still picks up some of the caramel chocolates he knows Chris likes, and the protein powder he uses because he was complaining about being low on it.
He’s pushing his cart towards the checkout lines when he passes the floral department, a small little corner with a few bundles of flowers left late in the day. There’s a girl standing there, staring at roses and tulips and other bouquets of mystery flowers that Felix couldn’t identify if he tried. He doesn’t usually receive flowers, and he hasn’t dated anyone seriously enough to buy them for someone else, either.
He must be staring too, and the girl studying the options turns to him with a small smile. “Sorry, am I in your way?”
“Huh? Oh. No, I was just…thinking.”
“Yeah me too,” she sighs. “I was gonna get my girlfriend some flowers, but I don’t know what she likes. She’s not really a flower person, I don’t think, but also, who doesn’t like getting flowers, right? Do you think roses would be fine? Just something sweet?”
“Oh. Yeah, um, I don’t know either,” Felix says with a shrug. He glances down at the chocolates he got for Chris. Is Chris a flower person? He never really came home with any while he was dating. “I mean, I guess you can’t go wrong with roses, right?”
“Yeah. That’s true. She had a bad day, and I just wanna do something special,” the girl explains. “Are you getting some too?”
“Um. I mean, I guess I could?”
“These are cute,” she points to the tulips. They’re pink. Chris doesn’t have anything against pink, but he’s certainly got a preference for black. Though, there’s not going to be any black flowers, so that’s out of the question.
“I don’t know if he’d like these,” Felix admits, even as he picks up the flowers and the girl chooses her roses.
“I’m sure your boyfriend will appreciate the gesture, that’s what it’s about, I think,” she explains. “Sorry, I must be talking your ear off. I think we should both get some.”
Boyfriend. Chris isn’t his boyfriend.
Well, technically Chris is his fiancé.
“Yeah. Yeah, your girlfriend will love those,” he croaks.
“I hope so. I hope your boyfriend likes those too!” And with a smile and a wave, she’s making her way to checkout. Felix stands there for too long, looking at the tulips and contemplating his existence, before he finally puts them in his cart and goes to check out too.
He makes sure to keep the flowers in the front seat so they don’t get crushed on his drive home, and they mock him until he pulls into the parking lot at their complex. They mock him all the way to the apartment, and they mock him even more when he gets in and Chris isn’t home.
It’s kind of a relief actually. He puts the flowers in a vase that’s dusty and hasn’t been used in eons, and leaves them on the kitchen table. Chris’s music equipment is left in the living room with his laptop, and there’s a note on the fridge when Felix goes to scrounge up some ramen, informing him that Chris is at the gym. There’s a little heart scribbled at the bottom with a little worm drawing Chris always likes to add to his notes.
Maybe he should throw the flowers out. They look weird in their kitchen. Chris is going to think it’s weird, for sure.
He’s glaring at the flowers over his ramen, almost ready to chunk them in the trash, when the door opens and Chris makes his way into the kitchen.
“Hey,” he greets, a little breathless. He’s wearing one of his shorter tank tops, that barely meets his gym shorts. And he’s sweaty, hair damp at the ends where it curls. Skin shiny, glowing. “How long have you been home?”
“Just a little while. I went to get groceries. Got some chocolate for you. It’s in the cabinet.”
“Oh, dope, thanks mate,” Chris says, squeezing Felix’s shoulder as he passes him on the way to the fridge. Felix looks away, focusing very hard on his ramen cup. He hears Chris chugging water and then he makes a noise in his throat. “Where’d the flowers come from?”
Shit.
“Oh. I just got them at the store,” Felix explains. “I thought they were pretty, and, uh, that maybe you’d like them.”
“You got me flowers?”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” Felix mutters. He doesn’t look back at Chris, because he’s probably weirded out and he’s never been very good at keeping his face in check when he doesn’t like something, so—
“Wow. Lix, that's really sweet,” Chris says softly. “No one has ever gotten me flowers before. I really like them. Thank you.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Felix drones, because his heart has started pounding too fast in his chest.
“No, it is. You’re always so good to me. Thank you, seriously.”
And now Felix does look up, and he swears Chris looks a little teary-eyed. But then he smiles down at Felix, his hand resting on his shoulder again. He squeezes again, then skims his hand over Felix’s neck, so gentle and easy and—and the same as he always does. Friendly. Felix swallows, and starts to blow it off again, when Chris leans down suddenly and Felix is pretty sure he almost blacks out. But then Chris presses a gentle kiss to his hair, right on the top of his head.
His thumb brushes over Felix’s cheek.
“You stink,” Felix blurts. “Go take a shower.”
Chris laughs. “Damn, brutal.”
“Well you’re not getting in my bed all sweaty like that.”
“I’ve seen you in your most gremlin, crustiest state. Don’t try to drag me for being sweaty,” Chris jokes, but his hand falls away and he starts making his way to the bathroom.
“Love you too, cunt.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
The bathroom door shuts. The shower starts. Felix looks from the flowers, down into his ramen. But he’s not very hungry anymore. His heart is beating so fast he can hear the rush of it in his ears. He wiggles his toes against the floor, makes sure it’s there and it’s real and he’s firmly touching the ground. Makes sure he’s not falling.
~
In all his twenty-seven years of life, Felix has never spent the holidays with a partner.
It’s never been a lonely time of year, although Felix isn’t sure he’s ever truly experienced loneliness before. He’s lucky, he supposes, that he’s always had people around him that he cares about. Parties have always been a big deal in his family, get-togethers with extended family and friends. So even if he’s never had a partner, he’s always had people.
His parents always have some kind of Christmas party, and so does Chris’s family. So they’ll usually attend each party together, both families being as close as they are. As a kid, it was one of Felix’s favorite occasions. All his cousins and siblings and aunts and uncles and Chris, together. Usually, he and Chris would end up hiding away somewhere, stealing some cookies and eating too much sugar and laughing until their stomachs hurt. And then they’d do it all over again at Chris’s house.
Now that they’re older, the holidays look a little different. Once, when Felix was twenty, he almost had someone to bring home. He was dating someone, or trying to anyway, but they’d broken up with him just before December began. “You’re just too much,” they’d said. And so he came home from university alone, again.
And then he moved in with Chris, so technically he wasn’t spending the holidays alone.
But of course, Hyunjin came into the picture and started attending the party thrown at Chris’s house. That was fun too, Felix liked having him there. But he also liked that Hyunjin didn’t come to the party his own parents threw. It was still just Felix and Chris for that one, like it always was.
And this year is like that too. Just the two of them.
It all passes in a bit of a blur though. They see a lot of their families, and Chris takes Felix out to see a holiday light display. But they keep the secret. No one asks about their matching rings, and even though Felix wants to tell his sisters, he doesn’t think they’ll get it. He doesn’t think anyone will get it.
So they keep it a secret.
And time passes, and suddenly it’s New Year’s Eve, and then New Year’s day. With each day closer to the wedding, if you can even call it that, Chris gets giddier. He’s practically bouncing every morning, smiling so big it might be blinding. It’s contagious, even though Felix feels a pit in his stomach at the same time.
Chris decides, on the 3rd, to invite Changbin and Jisung to be the two witnesses for them. They’ve been friends and business partners for years now, but the two haven’t ever been to Australia to visit Chris, so it’ll be a nice opportunity. Chris has gone to Korea to see them several times over the years, but Felix knows he misses his friends. So they’ll be the perfect duo. That, and they won’t try and talk them out of this stupid fucking decisions they’ve made.
On the 5th, Felix informs Chris that he can’t wear all black to the courthouse, because ‘this isn’t a funeral, mate’. So they go shopping in the afternoon for something nice. Chris picks out a white button down, kind of silky and shiny and approved by Felix. Felix makes a joke about buying lingerie for their wedding night, and Chris’s face gets so red Felix is concerned he might need to sit down. Instead, he brushes off the joke and assures Chris they’ll probably just spend the night eating too much with Changbin and Jisung and playing video games.
On the 6th, Hyunjin arrives back in Australia. Felix knows because he posts a mirror selfie on his instagram story in his apartment, but he doesn’t respond when Felix texts him.
On the 8th, Felix decides he wants a cake. He contemplates making one himself, but he’s pretty sure he’ll fuck something up somehow, so he decides he’d be better off ordering one. Chris thinks it’s a great idea, just as excited about the cake as he has been about everything else. They settle on chocolate, and Felix calls their favorite bakery-cafe and asks if they can have a small cake made within a day or two. Being regulars, they’re happy to do it for them.
On the 9th, Seungmin asks Felix if he wants a bachelor’s party. Jeongin insists that it would be totally rated PG and there won’t be any strippers involved. But Felix declines. He doesn’t feel like going out on a Wednesday night, and he feels like Seungmin would just start asking a million questions that he can’t answer. That, and he doesn’t want Chris to think he’s not being serious. He doesn’t want Chris to think he’s going out and being unhinged.
On the 10th, it still doesn’t feel real.
He’s taken the day off work, but Chris is busy with meetings and he’s going to pick Changbin and Jisung up from the airport in the afternoon. Meanwhile, Felix has to go get their cake from the bakery.
He also probably needs to figure out what he’s going to say tomorrow, at the altar. Surely Chris has something sweet to say in whatever makeshift-vows they’re exchanging. And Felix can’t think of a single thing. He doesn’t even feel like this is really happening. Or like it’s happening to him. Life is just moving around him, and he’s just going with the flow.
Tomorrow, he’ll be married.
But today he’s going to have a full mental breakdown about it. Quietly of course. Can’t let Chris know how much he’s freaking out. Because he wants to do this, still, but wanting and freaking out can coexist.
“Hey, I better head to the airport,” Chris says, and Felix turns away from where he’s smearing butter on a very burnt piece of toast. “Do you wanna come with? Or, oh yeah, you’re getting the cake. Should we all go to dinner or do you want me to bring something back?”
“Whatever you want,” Felix says with a shrug. “They have a hotel, right? Is it close by?”
“Yeah, just a few minutes.”
“They can come here, then. We can eat something here, I mean. They might be tired.”
“Okay, yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Okay, I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” Chris comes over and gives Felix a side hug. “They’re really excited to meet you. I’m excited.”
“I know you are,” Felix says with a smile that’s only a little bit forced. “You’ve had that smile on your face for the past week. I don’t think anyone has been this excited about a platonic courthouse wedding in history.”
“Sorry. Sorry, I mean, I can tone it down? But—”
“No. I didn’t say that. Don’t change, ever,” Felix says firmly. “Go get your friends and I’ll get the cake. And then tomorrow I’m gonna marry the shit out of you.”
Chris laughs, high and squeaky and absolutely devastating. He’s so cute like this. It makes it easy to be less nervous, and to give Felix a short reprieve from his mental breakdown. That is until Chris leans in and kisses his cheek. It’s so quick, so close to his mouth, that he goes straight back into his spiral.
“Okay! See you in a bit, baby.”
And then he’s out the door. Felix stares at it for a few seconds, and then looks back at his burnt toast. Has Chris ever called him that before? Maybe. It doesn’t sound unfamiliar coming out of his mouth. It doesn’t sound bad. In fact, it’s nice. Sweet.
Chris is just being sweet. That’s all.
So Felix ignores it, brushes it off, and eats his burnt toast before getting dressed for the day. He tries his best to look nice, since he’s going to be meeting Jisung and Changbin for the first time. He got his hair done last week, so his roots aren’t showing anymore and he puts on his favorite pair of jeans, just because likes them and not because they make his ass look great. Even though they do make his ass look great.
The bakery said their cake should be ready after noon, and it’s a little early, but he had time to kill and he could use a sugary drink to offset the burnt toast. It’s just a short drive to the cafe, right around the corner.
They’ve been coming here since they were teenagers, and they’d pass the nice apartment complex on their way. “We’ll live there together one day,” Chris would say, and he sounded so confident about it. He was right though. Lately Chris has been mentioning a house, though. He’s always had that in mind, but Felix realizes he’ll be a for sure part of that picture now. A white picket fence and Chris, for the rest of his life.
A few months ago that might have terrified Felix, but he’s been content lately. He doesn’t miss the meaningless sex and one night stands nearly as much as he thought he would.
So even though he’s in the middle of having a silent breakdown, he’s also…fine.
That is, until he walks into the cafe.
Well, it’s fine at first. He walks in, the little bell jingles, and he makes his way to the counter. The woman who owns the cafe greets him, excited to see him as always. They make idle chat for a moment, and he tells her he’s here for his cake and also for an iced latte, any flavor, as long as it’s sweet.
“Oh! Are you here to meet your friend?” she asks.
“Chris? No, he’s picking up some friends from the airport so—”
“Oh, no! The other one. The artist? He’s right over there, so I thought surely you must be here to see him.”
Felix blanches, and spins on his heels to look at the corner table, where he always sits, to see two guys sitting there, one of them holding up a magazine very conspicuously to hide his face.
“Hyunjin?” Felix croaks, palms suddenly sweaty, and the magazine lowers to indeed reveal Hyunjin, plastering on his fakest smile.
“Oh! Felix, wow, what are you doing here?”
Felix frowns, his drink order forgotten, and approaches the table. Hyunjin is sitting with someone else, a man who looks a couple years older, maybe, with a very intense expression on his face that contrasts with his shirt, which has an embroidered cat on it. He’s handsome, but kind of scary.
And Hyunjin looks great, like always, but he’s a terrible actor and Felix knows when he’s being fake because he’s heard it a thousand times before, he’s just never been at the receiving end.
“Um. I’m getting coffee?” Felix says. “Who’s your friend?”
“Oh. This is Minho. He came back with me from Korea, but he’s actually, like, kind of my frenemy. Like, totally my friend, but I think he might want to secretly murder me sometimes.”
Minho looks between them with a blank expression. “I know what ‘frenemy’ means, Hyunjin,” he deadpans in Korean, and Hyunjin just laughs.
“Anyway, it’s not a date or anything. We’re just hanging out. But that’s why I couldn’t text back, I’ve been so busy, right?” Hyunjin continues.
“Can we—well, I could sit, for a minute? Is that okay? I don’t wanna impose, but I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Felix says, trying to be careful about it, but it’s hard not to feel a little betrayed when technically he hasn’t done anything. Hyunjin is the one that dumped Chris. Not the other way around.
“Um. I guess,” Hyunjin says, also slowly, like he’s trying to think of an excuse but can’t do it fast enough. “It’s just, me and Minho—”
“I can give you some space,” Minho interrupts, still in Korean, clearly more attuned to the conversation than he’s letting on. He gives Felix a tight smile and stands up, meandering over to the counter to order something else and then taking a seat a few tables away.
Felix lowers himself into the chair Minho left, and Hyunjin shifts around in his own chair. He looks too good, it’s always been unfair, his dark hair falling in his eyes and his skin glowing like it always is. He’s always so put together, so effortlessly beautiful. No wonder Chris fell for him.
“I’m—look, I really hate being confrontational, but I hate the way things have been between us even more. I know you’re probably upset about what happened with Chris and I get it if you don’t wanna come over, but I don’t want you to hate me, too. I really miss you, Hyune. There’s so much going on and I just—I want us to be okay. Are we okay?” Felix reaches over, his fingers barely grazing Hyunjin’s before he pulls away. Hyunjin just frowns at him, a crease between his perfect eyebrows.
“I don’t hate you, Felix,” Hyunjin says. And even that makes Felix’s shoulders relax. Hyunjin doesn’t hate him. Well. Yet. He might, in a minute. “It’s just been hard. And I needed space. It’s not that I didn’t wanna see you, but…I think it would have been difficult. So I’ve been putting it off.”
“But why? Just because of Chris? Did I do something? I can fix it—there’s—there’s things going on but I never want to hurt you and—”
“Chan didn’t tell you, did he?” Hyunjin asks. His voice is so calm it’s almost a little scary. He doesn’t look upset. He doesn’t look like anything has been hard. He’s usually so emotional, loud and dramatic, and this version of him feels out of character. Ominous.
“Tell me what?”
“Why we broke up.”
“Um. I mean, he said you didn’t want things to get more serious. And then he didn’t really elaborate, and I didn’t wanna push it because it’s not my business. He seemed shaken up by it,” Felix explains. “Why? You broke up with him, didn’t you?”
Hyunjin rolls his eyes and sighs, leans back and flips his hair out of his face in the way he does when he’s about to impart some particularly spicy gossip. “So he didn’t tell you anything?” he asks, and Felix shrugs, shakes his head. “He didn’t tell you he proposed to me?”
Felix’s stomach twists and swoops and drops. He’s plummeting to the ground, to hard concrete, fast and sudden and he grips the edge of the table to stabilize himself.
“No,” he croaks. “He didn’t tell me that. Not even that he was thinking about it.” But Felix could have guessed. This isn’t shocking news, but it feels like it is.
“Yeah. Figured,” Hyunjin says with a sigh. “Look, I wanna start by saying I don’t hate you, alright? Or Chan. I still care about both of you, but I just need some time, okay? I still wanna be friends with both of you. Even though you’re both idiots.”
“What does that mean?”
Another sigh. Hyunjin leans forward again, resting his chin in his palm. “He proposed outside of the restaurant. It wasn’t a full spectacle, but it was enough for it to still be romantic. And it was, right? It was sweet. Chan is always sweet,” Hyunjin begins. “And I said yes, because why wouldn’t I? We’d been together so long and I thought it was about time. And he seemed so happy, and I was too. And after that we went back to my place.”
Felix feels like he’s going to be sick. If he throws up all over Hyunjin, Hyunjin is definitely going to kill him. He doesn’t even know why he feels so nauseous about this. It shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s not a surprise. Only, why hadn’t Chris even told him about his plans to propose? Was it a secret? Did he think Felix would tell Hyunjin? Or did Chris think he couldn’t handle it for some reason?
“Then what?” he asks, even as he swallows down the spit welling in his mouth.
“Well, it was fine. We got inside and, like, I figured he’d spend the night. I wanted him to spend the night. But then as soon as I take my shoes off he laughs and he’s like, ‘Oh it’s a good thing you said yes, because if you didn’t, Felix would have to marry me’.” Hyunjin says.
Oh.
Fuck. What the fuck.
But Hyunjin is still going. “And I was, like, what the fuck, right? What does that even mean? So I asked him.”
And Hyunjin goes on. And on. And on. He tells Felix how Chris explained the marriage pact to him, joking and laughing the whole time, even though Hyunjin didn’t really think it was funny at all. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure Felix would freak out if I was suddenly single and he had to marry me. He’d hate it,” Chris had apparently said.
“He—I brought it up as a joke that night,” Felix admits, quietly, or he thinks it’s quiet. His blood is rushing in his ears, so he feels a little like he’s floating. “He acted like he didn’t even remember the stupid pact at first.”
“Oh, he remembered it,” Hyunjin assures him. “Because, I just stared at him. And I asked him, like, ‘You keep saying it would be so bad because Felix wouldn’t want to marry you, but you aren’t saying you wouldn’t wanna marry Felix’ because that’s what he was saying. That you wouldn’t want it. Not that he didn’t. And he got all quiet. And that’s when I realized. That’s when everything hit me and I felt like such an idiot.”
“Hyunjin—”
“No, it’s fine. It’s not your fault. You know, we talked about moving in together so many times? Like, over and over. And every time, he wanted me to move in with him. Like, with you guys. And I’d tell him I wanted our own place and he started backtracking and acting like he wasn’t sure and I don’t know how I didn’t see it then. I thought he was just worried about you. But it wasn’t just that. He didn’t want to leave you.”
They’re both quiet for a moment, and Hyunjin curls in on himself a bit. He doesn’t look angry, even though there’s a hint of bitterness in his voice. He looks a little sad. A little broken. And how could he not be, he invested six years into the relationship, same as Chris did.
Felix feels shattered.
Hyunjin surely feels worse.
“I love Chan,” Hyunjin says simply. “I loved him. So I just ignored all the obvious signs that were right in front of my face this whole time. But that night, when I called him out, he couldn’t deny it. It was right there, out in the open. I asked him point blank if he was in love with you and he just looked at me. He didn’t say anything. And I know he loved me, too. I’m not saying he didn’t or that he’s a bad person. I think he tried really hard to move on from you.”
Hyunjin stops. Picks at his cuticle. “But it didn’t matter,” he continues. “It’s always been you. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. I just shoved my way between you two like an idiot. I mean, you guys are, like, definitely the main idiots here, but I guess I’m kind of one too.”
“I’m not in love with him,” Felix blurts out. “I didn’t want to steal him from you. That isn’t what I was trying to do, Hyune. You know that right?”
“I don’t know. I mean, if that’s what you’re telling yourself, that’s fine. Well, I know you weren’t trying to steal him. I don’t know if you really don’t love him. But he loves you. He’s crazy about you. And, yes, I am bitter and petty and generally manifesting your downfall, but you’re also my best friend and I want you to be happy. Both of you,” Hyunjin says with a small smile that's considerably less fake. And even though Felix’s eyes sting, he still barks out a sudden laugh.
“I don’t blame you for manifesting my downfall. That’s fine.”
“I bought crystals and everything,” Hyunjin says with a dramatic sigh and a mischievous little grin that says he’s only joking. Well, he’s probably not joking. Sometimes it’s hard to tell with him. “But seriously, no. I’m not completely over it, but I’m doing okay. I just think you should know. Now that I know, it’s hard not to look back and see it in everything he does for you. I saw how he looked at you but…I was the outsider. I knew how close you guys were and I still started dating him. That’s partly on me.”
“This isn’t your fault.”
“No, I know. Chan is possibly the dumbest guy I’ve ever met. Like, he’s so smart, but he’s so stupid. Maybe he didn’t even realize how bad it was until I pointed it out. But, eventually, he admitted it. For a long time he just stood there all red and wouldn’t own it, but he did eventually. And he apologized. And I told him I was sorry too, and gave him back the ring and told him I couldn’t share him and…he needs to tell you.” Hyunjin picks up his latte and takes a sip. And then his eyes get wide and he gasps. “Oh fuck. He hasn’t told you.”
“No.”
“Okay. Yeah, um. Well surprise!”
Felix laughs again, but this time it cracks and the dam breaks and there’s tears streaking down his face and it’s so unfair of him because Hyunjin is the one that should be crying. His relationship was ruined because of them, because of Felix. And Felix just let himself get caught up in this stupid marriage pact without even considering his friend, or considering what it really meant to Chris.
If what Hyunjin said is true, then it means a whole lot more to Chris than Felix thought it did.
If it’s true, then Chris is falling. He’s already fallen. And eventually, it’s going to end. Chris loves so hard, so absolute and whole. He loves like a star, burning so bright, bigger and bigger until it will inevitably explode and take the entire galaxy with it.
And what will Felix have left?
“Lixie,” Hyunjin says softly, and then the sound of his chair scooting against the floor pierces through the quiet cafe, and there’s an arm around his shoulder and Felix just feels even worse. “Felix, don’t feel bad. Chan isn’t a bad person. I know that now. And we talked a little, after the break up. He probably didn’t mention it, but I do wanna keep you both in my life. And I want you both to be happy. Chan doesn’t think you love him back, and maybe you don’t in that way, but if you ask me, I think there’s some feelings on your end.”
“There’s—there’s not,” Felix cries into Hyunjin’s shirt, hands shaking. There’s not. He can’t be in love with Chris. He would know if he was, and he would know if Chris loved him. It just doesn’t make sense for them.
Except, somehow, Felix thinks maybe it’s the only thing that’s ever made sense in his life.
And that’s terrifying.
“Okay. Okay, don’t cry. Look, you don’t have to tell him I told you this. You obviously weren’t supposed to know. And he’s happy, being your friend. The whole marriage pact thing is super dumb though, if you ask me. I’m the gayest person I know and that’s gotta be one of the gayest things I’ve ever heard. Like, oh, just gonna marry your best bro? No homo? No. That’s gay.”
“This whole thing is gay,” Minho’s voice, the easy Korean that Felix somehow can make out in his distressed state, cuts through the tension building in Felix’s body. Hyunjin rubs his back when he sits up and wipes his eyes, because he can’t just keep crying into his friend's shirt like this.
“It’s too late,” Felix admits. “I already agreed to it.”
Hyunjin glances up at his other friend, and then back at Felix. “You didn’t.”
“I did.”
“When? When is it happening?”
“Tomorrow.”
He expects Hyunjin to get up and leave. Or maybe scream, starting cursing him out. At least he knows Hyunjin isn’t going to try and fight him, god forbid he breaks a nail. In the end, it’s none of what Felix thinks is going to happen. Instead, Hyunjin laughs. A loud little cackle. They must look insane, the two of them. Laughing and crying and shaking and—
“Oh my god. This is hilarious. Like, honestly.”
Minho is still standing over them, eyebrows raised. He doesn’t look like he thinks it’s hilarious.
“It’s not—it’s not—it’s platonic! And we both agreed and—and I’ve been trying to tell you, but—”
“No, no, I’m not even mad!” Hyunjin says with another little cackle. Maybe he’s losing it. Both of them. Everyone everywhere. “This is such a dumpster fire, I’m kind of obsessed. You will be keeping me updated.”
Felix blinks. “You aren’t pissed?”
“I think you two are the most oblivious people I have ever met. How can I be mad? Just—I mean, you should talk to him. You should definitely think about this a little harder. Maybe you shouldn’t do it. But don’t take my advice, I want you to do it because it’s either going to end really well or it’s going to be hilarious. Either way, I expect to hear about it.”
“You’re weird.”
“Eh. I’m young and hot and I can find someone new,” Hyunjin says breezily. He glances at Minho, who just scowls at him, in a way that’s oddly fond. He’s weird too. Why is everyone Felix knows so weird? Chris included. Why wouldn’t he say anything? Why would he pretend not to remember the pact? Why would he push down his feelings for years and plan his whole life with someone else, just to ruin it all in one night with one little comment?
Why has Felix never noticed?
“And anyway,” Hyunjin keeps going. “I value our friendship a lot. I value Chan, too. Things will go back to normal. And I’ll find someone new, like I said. But, Felix,” he pauses and makes Felix look at him, touching his face so carefully it might make him start crying all over again. “I don’t think you’re ever going to find anyone better for you than Chan.”
~
Felix knows he needs to talk to Chris.
Like, right away.
Instead, he does not talk to Chris.
He gets his cake and his latte and he leaves Hyunjin and Minho at the cafe and he heads back to the apartment. In the parking lot, he makes sure he doesn’t look like he’s been crying. His eyes are a little red, but he didn’t put makeup on or anything, so he looks mostly normal. So normal. He can be normal.
The apartment is still empty when he gets inside, so he puts the cake away and drinks his latte way too fast. His stomach hurts, and he has a headache, but he can be normal.
His mental preparation tactics include straightening up the kitchen, and then planting himself on the couch and turning on some reality show so he doesn’t have to think.
And when the door finally opens some time later, Felix feels so normal he thinks he should win an award for it. The Most Normal Award.
“Hey! We’re back!” Chris calls, and Felix smiles so wide it makes his face hurt. His award should be coming any minute now with how normal he’s being.
“Hey!” he greets, as the semi-familiar forms of Changbin and Jisung trail inside after Chris, all three of them holding bags of takeout. They look tired after surely a long flight, but their eyes still light up when they see Felix.
“Oh my gosh!” Jisung shouts, his accent resembling something close to British, voice loud and exaggerated in the most endearing way. Felix liked him before, but he likes him even more now, right away. “Felix! So nice to meet you, man! Wow! You look so different in person!”
“Yeah! Probably shorter than you imagined.”
“Nooo!” Jisung comes closer and hugs him. “Chan is shorter than I expected. You’re just right. So cute.”
“Hey, hey,” Chris scolds. “Don’t flirt with my fiancé.” He laughs, giving Felix a playful little wink. “And don’t insult my height.”
“Yeah, I’m shorter than Chan,” Changbin pipes up, and then holds out his hand for Felix to shake. He’s quieter, more observant, but Felix decides he likes him too. There’s kindness in his eyes, despite his intimidating frame and dark fringe shadowing his face. “Really good to finally meet you.”
And that’s that.
Changbin and Jisung are more comfortable in Korean, but the four of them switch between Korean and English easily while they eat. They talk about work and music and the artists they’ve been working with. It’s all very impressive, Felix feels pride for the three of them, and especially for Chris.
He’s worked so hard over the years, lots of trips to Korea and late nights, and there’s still a lot of hard work involved, but Felix knows he doesn’t feel as uncertain as he once did. And he’s doing what he’s passionate about, with people he cares for. It’s clear that Jisung and Changbin care about him, too, just in the way they all laugh together.
“So, any big honeymoon plans?” Changbin asks, and Chris laughs, shakes his head.
“Nah. It’s a courthouse wedding, man, we haven’t planned a honeymoon.”
“Why? You can afford it. Especially if we accept the contract with JYP Entertainment,” Changbin points out. “You can afford to take a vacation. And your little trips to see us for work don’t count as vacations.”
“What contract?” Felix asks, as he tries to catch up with Changbin’s Korean. He’s still a little rusty, but he’s improved a lot with Chris’s help. Enough to follow the conversation anyway, and Chris’s friends don’t make fun of him for speaking slowly or misunderstanding a word or two.
“Oh,” Chris says. “Yeah, we’ve been working with a lot of artists under JYP, like Twice, remember I told you?” Felix nods. Chris told him how nice they all were. They’ve done producing work for the group several times now, as well as some of the girls individually, as their careers have grown and changed now that they’re older. But being a big fan, Felix was and is intrigued. “Well, they liked our work as 3racha a lot. So they want us to sign to be in-house producers for them. We’ve been bargaining the terms of the contract for a while.”
“We still want some freedom,” Jisung clarifies. “Like, to be able to work with other artists and still make our own stuff, if we want. But it’s going well. We think we’ll sign soon.”
“Wow,” Felix breathes. “That’s a lot. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Didn’t wanna get my hopes out that it would work out,” Chris says with a shrug. He takes a bite of his food and glances at Changbin. “I mean, it would be a big deal, yeah? And I didn’t wanna jinx it. But it’s looking good, they’ve been receptive to our demands. They understand I wouldn’t be able to move to Korea full-time. But it would be more time that I would have to spend there, so. I don’t know.”
“But the pay would be insane,” Jisung adds. “Like, you could probably get a home here and a nice apartment in Korea. We could be loaded.”
“Honestly you could be living somewhere nicer now,” Changbin comments, though it doesn’t sound rude, even though someone might mistake it to be. “I was expecting the apartment to be bigger.”
“Yeah, we could I guess,” Chris admits, glancing at Felix. “But I guess we’ve just always lived here and I’ve gotten attached.”
Felix doesn’t interject. He knows Chris has been making a lot of money now. But he’s never really considered what that could mean. Surely Chris could have moved into his own place a long time ago, but he didn’t. He’s stayed here, because Felix likes it here and it’s close enough to their families and where Felix works. It’s their first place together. It’s comfortable.
He thinks about what Hyunjin told him, as much as he’s trying not to. The part when Hyunjin told him Chris never seemed to want to move out, or move in with Hyunjin instead. That he wanted to stay here.
And he has. Even if he didn’t have to.
“You guys should get a house,” Jisung says. “We will be visiting, and I expect there to be a guest room.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Chris waves him off. “We’ll see.”
Felix doesn’t ask for more details about the contract. They continue talking, mostly about mundane things and the differences between Australia and Korea. Meanwhile, Felix is wondering what this contract would really mean. How much time would Chris be spending in Korea? He’s gone before, for different amounts of time, and it’s always been fine, but that’s because Felix always knew he was coming back.
What if one day he decided it would be easier just to stay?
Fuck, he’s not this codependent. He can survive on his own. But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t miss his best friend if he was gone for months on end.
Maybe it wouldn’t be like that. It probably wouldn’t be.
Unless Chris gets tired of this. Of their platonic marriage. Of waiting for something more. Of falling.
Felix chokes on his food suddenly, coughing and interrupting Jisung’s story about a screaming kid on their flight over. Chris jolts and pats Felix on the back until he catches his breath.
“Sorry, sorry,” Felix says with an embarrassed laugh. “Just breathed the wrong way.”
Chris rubs his back gently for a few more moments, but then it passes and they go back to eating. And Felix goes back to being normal. He can’t fuck this up. Chris agreed to this, didn’t he? Platonically. And whatever these feelings are in Felix’s chest, all bubbly and nervous and warm, it’s nothing more than what he’s always felt for Chris.
Hyunjin has it wrong.
The rest of dinner is nice, Jisung is funny and Felix relaxes enough so that he doesn’t feel like he’s having to put on a performance. They all sit around for a while in the living room, listening to a few tracks they’ve been working out and just talking. They plan the logistics for tomorrow, what time they’ll come get them and what they’ll do after the ceremony.
Chris spends the evening sitting next to Felix on the couch, his hand landing on Felix’s thigh every now and then. And Felix isn’t drunk, he hasn’t had a single drop of alcohol, but he finds himself being touchier too, arms around Chris’s shoulders and playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.
He doesn’t catch himself until Changbin stands, stretches, and looks down at them with a little smile.
“You two are so cute,” he says.
Felix’s hand freezes where it’s brushing through Chris’s hair. They’re pressed so close on the couch, hip to hip. Are they always like this?
“Ah,” Chris shifts away, face red. “Yeah, Lix is the cute one.” He clears his throat and gives Felix a tight smile before he stands up. “Getting late, you guys ready to head out?”
“Yeah, but I can get an uber to the hotel. It’s not far,” Jisung says. “Hate for you to have to get out. But we’ll see you guys tomorrow?”
Chris nods, smoothing his hands over his jeans. He seems nervous, fidgety, suddenly. And Felix feels it too, anxious somewhere in the pit of his stomach.
If Chris loves him, will he tell him tonight? What are they supposed to do? Should he call the whole thing off? Why are they even doing this?
“I’ll walk you guys down,” Felix suggests, just for some fresh air. He’s not going to bolt, even though part of him wants to.
“Cool,” Jisung claps him on the shoulder. “And you guys better keep it in your pants tonight, it’s bad luck to, like, see each other before the wedding.”
“They live together and we’re all driving to the courthouse together,” Changbin points out, before Felix can even formulate a response.
“Yeah, in which case it would be extra bad luck if they fucked the night before the wedding. At least wait until tomorrow.”
Wait. Do they not realize? Felix looks from Jisung and Changbin, back to Chris, who just starts laughing nervously and covering his ears.
“Yeah, um, no need to worry about that,” Felix says. His own ears feel hot. He knows Chris wouldn’t lie to his friends. Chris isn’t a liar. He wouldn’t tell them this was something it wasn’t. But, they haven’t told anyone. He may not lie, but he might omit parts of the truth.
Still, don’t his friends know he only recently got out of a long term relationship? What exactly did Chris tell them?
“Uh huh,” Jisung continues, teasing. “You guys have been all over each other all evening.”
“We have not,” Chris says. His tone is a little more firm than usual. But Felix doesn’t have to look at him to sense the embarrassment too.
“Suuure you haven’t,” Jisung drones. “Don’t worry, we’re going. See you tomorrow? Big day!”
Chris just makes a noise of acknowledgement before he disappears into the kitchen. Felix clears his throat and walks the other two men out. Jisung seems oblivious to the tension, but Changbin is giving Felix an odd look, like he does notice that something is weird.
When they’re outside and Jisung is dealing with the Uber app, Changbin leans against the wall and crosses his arms. Felix knows he’s about to say something important. Doesn’t mean he wants to hear it though.
“We’re really happy for you guys,” Changbin says, after another few agonizing moments of contemplation. “Chan deserves to be happy. And we know how close you guys are. You make him really happy.”
Felix’s chest feels tight. “He makes me happy, too.”
That’s the truth. It’s been true his whole life, but it’s been even more apparent over these past few months. He’s been so, so happy. Even if he’s been freaking out about everything, too, he’s also been undeniably happy .
“I know things are kinda rushed, and it’s not necessarily super traditional, the way you guys are doing things, but he’s been pining since forever,” Changbin says. He speaks slowly and clearly so Felix knows he’s not misunderstanding. “Like, he was happy in his last relationship, but he’d always talk about you. I don’t think he even realized he was doing it. So yeah, I’m just glad you guys finally worked things out and got together. Even if it took a marriage pact.”
“Yeah,” Felix squeaks, and clears his throat. “Yeah. Yeah, um, he’s—it’s really great.”
“Hopefully we’ll be seeing more of you,” Changbin says. “I mean, beyond tomorrow obviously.” He laughs and pats Felix on the shoulder before he turns to Jisung.
“The car should be here in a minute,” Jisung informs them. “You don’t have to wait down here for us, go be with your man.” Jisung wiggles his eyebrows and Felix feels his face get hot. Luckily it’s too dark for them to see. He bids them goodnight one last time before he makes his way back to the apartment.
There’s a text from Hyunjin when he glances at his phone on the way.
hyune: did you talk to him??
felix: no
felix: don’t judge me
hyune: i’m judging just a little :)
Inside, Chris is cleaning up in the kitchen.
They didn’t end up eating the cake tonight, so he guesses it’ll be saved for its original purpose.
Felix makes his way over and leans against the counter.
“I’m sorry,” Chris says, before he can even think of what he wants to say. “About what Jisung said. I explained it to them, I swear, but I think they misunderstood. I told them about the pact and, I don’t know, Jisung heard wedding and started freaking out and—”
“Chris. It’s fine,” Felix interrupts. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve told anyone.” Except Hyunjin. And, well, Seungmin, but he barely counts. “It’s a weird thing to explain. I get it. I mean, maybe we should tell them tomorrow? But, um, it’s really fine.”
“Oh. Okay. Yeah. I wasn’t lying to them. I didn’t, like, tell them we were together romantically when we aren’t. I wasn’t trying to make it weird, I promise. I like it like this. You aren’t—you promise you’re okay? Because maybe I was being a bit much earlier, or—” Chris cuts off and shakes his head. “Sorry. Jisung said that and I started to spiral. The last thing I want is for you to feel weird.”
“I don’t feel weird,” Felix lies. It’s one of his first blatant lies to Chris in a while. But he doesn’t really feel weird for the reason Chris thinks he does. He knows what he needs to say next. What he needs to ask next. ‘I talked to Hyunjin. He says you’re in love with me. Is that true?’ Of course, he doesn’t ask that. “You aren’t gonna leave, are you?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“The contract you guys mentioned. You’re not gonna go to Korea and not come back, right?”
Chris puts down the plate he was washing in the sink. He rinses his hands and dries them off, before he steps closer, into Felix’s space. “You know I wouldn’t go anywhere without you, right?” He’s cupping Felix’s face, just gentle grazes of his hands. Fingers brushing along freckles. Felix swallows, focuses on Chris’s nose instead of his eyes.
“I don’t know. It sounded like a big deal.”
“Well, it is, and I wasn’t keeping it from you, either. I was waiting to find out if it would even happen. And it might, now. But Jisung wasn’t wrong. I could get a place there, and here. And you’d always be welcome to come with me if I was staying there longer for some reason. And, um, honestly, I’d really love to one day make enough so that, ya know, you wouldn’t have to worry.”
“I hate that you always have to take care of me, though,” Felix mutters. He averts his gaze completely. His body feels like it’s buzzing.
“It’s not like that. I mean, there’s a big dance scene there, Jisung told me. If you want to work, you can, but, like, I would be happy to help you if you wanted to pursue things you're passionate about instead.”
Felix rolls his eyes and shrugs Chris off. He steps back, frowns. “You don’t have to be my sugar daddy or something, Chris. I just want you to be my friend.”
“Okay. Okay, yeah,” Chris nods and shoves his hands into his pockets. “I can do that too. But the offer stands. I know you’re capable. I know you can take care of yourself, Lix. But, yeah seriously, the offer always stands. Where I go, you can go too. However you want that to look like. I’m not gonna leave you behind.”
“Alright. I just—don’t leave me. That’s all.”
Chris nods again, but he doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t come closer again. “I won’t.”
And so Felix relaxes, just a little bit, but the buzzing under his skin doesn’t go away. Chris finishes washing the dishes, and Felix cleans up in the living room. They get ready for bed like they always do. Side by side, brushing their teeth. Chris finishes first, while Felix decides to put some effort in and attempt to do his skincare for the night. He half-asses it though, and ends up scrutinizing himself in the mirror instead.
Eventually he grabs pajamas from his room and drags his feet down the hall to Chris’s room.
He’s already in bed, laying down and looking at his phone, when Felix crawls in next to him. Since his bed is smaller, there’s really no choice but to cuddle in close, but that’s okay. Felix has enjoyed this too. Loves it, even. He settles in, slinging a leg over Chris and pulling the comforter up a little. It’s warm under the dark sheets, but they’re pooled at Chris’s waist still, so Felix can see the floral pattern on the underside.
It’s kind of like Chris. A little intense on the outside, all dark clothes and hard muscle and even harder work, but under all that, he’s soft. He cares about everyone else more than himself and he’s so, so passionate.
That buzzing feeling grows, spreads from his head to the tips of his toes. Felix drapes his arm over Chris’s middle, and then starts to draw mindless patterns against his smooth skin. He doesn’t react, the lights are off and he’s just scrolling through his phone, maybe sending a few last minute emails or something.
The light from his phone isn’t enough to keep Felix awake at all. He’s fallen asleep while gaming before, headphones on and bright screen glaring in his face. He’s just antsy. Maybe Chris is too.
So he continues with tracing invisible lines against bare skin. Invisible ones and real ones, down between his abs and back up again, a soft graze above his waistband before he brings his hand back up altogether and starts back on light scratching against his chest. Sometimes he’ll scratch Chris’s back to help him sleep, or rub his arm. Right now, he’s not really thinking about what he’s doing.
His eyes focus on Chris’s face, illuminated by his phone. The sleepy eyes and slope of his nose and fullness of his pursed lips. He’s so pretty. His jaw is sharp but the curves on his face are so soft, lips and nose and ears and silver little hoops that he always wears.
The feeling, spread all through Felix’s body, doesn’t let up while he stares. But he realizes, it’s not a new feeling. It fills the anxiety, the buzzing, and turns it into something else. Something calm. Something he always feels when he looks at Chris. It’s always been there, building and simmering and safe.
Chris is everything.
Felix feels so much for him, he can’t find a single word to explain it.
Well, maybe one.
One word, and he’s falling.
“That tickles.”
Felix blinks. He’s been drawing lines with one finger around Chris’s pec, right around his nipple, while he zoned out.
“Oh? Does it?”
He grins, because that’s easier.
“Yeah. Quit it,” Chris squirms. He’s been squirming, Felix realizes. He locks his phone and laughs, high in the back of his throat. It throws the room into darkness and shadows, but Felix can still make Chris out. He tickles his fingers more against his chest.
“Does that tickle?”
“Yeah, bro, it does,” Chris squirms again.
“How much?”
Chris turns and looks at him, his hand wrapping around Felix’s wrist to stop him. He doesn’t look mad, he’s smiling, and he’s probably blushing too, if Felix had to guess. But his smile falters when he looks at Felix and the gremlin look on his face.
“Do not bite me,” Chris warns, without any heat behind it.
“I’m not going to.”
“Yes you are. You have that look on your face.”
“What look? This look?” Felix grins wider and Chris starts to try and move, a little shout leaving him before Felix leans in and bites him. Right on the nipple. It’s not hard, but Chris still screeches and Felix still laughs, deep and probably a little crazy. He’s about to do it again, because Chris is dissolving into giggles that sound breathless and at ease, despite Felix being particularly annoying, when Chris suddenly flips over, grabs both of Felix’s wrists, and pins him to the bed.
“You’re such a menace,” Chris says.
The whole sudden movement doesn’t knock the breath out of him or anything, but Felix feels like he can’t breathe. Chris is straddling him, legs bracketing his hips, and his weight is solid against his wrists and he’s got that beautiful fucking smile on his perfect face.
Felix feels blood rushing south, and he doesn’t realize he’s laughing until it fades off and the only thing between them is their heavy breathing. He has no idea what his own face looks like in the dark, but he can see Chris clearly enough to watch his smile morph into something much more serious. It feels like he’s staring straight into Felix’s soul, like he’s torn open and Chris is consuming him.
A million voices start to repeat in his head.
His mother, stern and disappointed: “You need to start thinking about your future, Felix Lee. Start taking life more seriously.”
His ex, dismissive and irritated: “You’re just too much.”
Chris’s father in the backyard, frowning at his oldest son: “Is this about Felix?”
Hyunjin, the epitome of perfection and never-letting-them-see-you-break: “I don’t think you’re ever going to find anyone better for you than Chan.”
And Jisung, enthusiastic and oblivious: “Yeah, in which case it would be extra bad luck if they fucked the night before the wedding.”
And Chris: “Where I go, you can go too. However you want that to look.”
Chris’s voice now, in the present, cuts through it all.
“Felix, I—”
“This is bad luck!” Felix shouts, prying his wrists free and shoving Chris off. He flops back over with a grunt and Felix throws back the covers and gets out of bed. “We can’t sleep together the night before the wedding! Like Jisung said! We’re already gonna ruin it because we’ll see each other in the morning so—so we can’t ruin it even more. I’m sleeping in my own room.”
“Oh.” Chris sits there, looking dejected and confused. “Okay. Um, I think that’s just a myth. But okay. If you would rather.”
“Yeah. Better to be safe than sorry, right?”
Felix smiles, and flashes the cringiest finger-guns he’s ever done in his life. “Catch you later. Marry you tomorrow. Whatever. Yeah. Goodnight! Sleep tight.”
What the fuck.
He bolts from the room, back to his own, where he slams the door and slumps against it, his heart still pounding and his dick definitely still at least half interested. What the fuck was that? What the fuck is wrong with him. He can’t do this.
They can’t do this.
Even as he decides that, he also knows he can do it. He will do it. Tomorrow, they’ll get married.
Felix slinks into his own bed and closes his eyes. It’s lonely. He’s cold and wide awake and the image of Chris hovering over him is burned behind his eyelids.
Tomorrow, he’s going to get married to his best friend.
The only problem is, his best friend is in love with him. And, as it turns out, Felix is in love with his best friend, too.
~
Felix goes about his morning on autopilot. Chris is already awake when he gets up. He’s just getting out of the shower by the time Felix drags himself out of his room. Apparently, Chris didn’t sleep very well either and went to the gym very early that morning. But otherwise, he’s acting totally normal.
Last night was just a weird fluke, and they don’t need to talk about it. Life is great. They’re getting married today.
While Felix takes a shower and gets ready, Chris makes sure they have all the documents they’ll need. They both put on their nice outfits for the day, and Felix tries not to drool over how Chris’s shirt fits. He also tries to ignore the way Chris stares at him while he finishes fixing his hair in the mirror.
Their appointment, their courthouse wedding ceremony, isn’t until the afternoon, but they’re going to get Changbin and Jisung for brunch beforehand. Anything to kill the time and the nerves.
And brunch does kill the nerves a little bit. If not for the newest ring on his finger, Felix might think it’s just a normal Friday morning, showing Chris’s friends around Sydney. It feels normal enough, even when they finish brunch and start walking around, just going to shops and hanging out. At some point, Chris’s hand brushes his own, and Felix finds himself intertwining their fingers. Chris looks at him, but he doesn’t complain. So they hold hands.
They hold hands and they don’t clarify things to Jisung and Changbin. It just slips their mind. The topic of marriage isn’t the only thing there is to talk about, after all.
Well, until it is.
Because somehow the time passes, and somehow they’re pulling into the parking area for the registry office where their appointment is set.
“Are you nervous?” Jisung asks from the backseat.
“Why would they be nervous?” Changbin asks. “Nothing is going to change except they have a piece of paper declaring them married.”
“Okay, but that’s a big deal!”
“I’m not nervous,” Felix says. “I mean, it’s a little surreal. Kind of weird. But. Not nervous.”
“I am,” Chris admits with a nervous laugh. “But I’m more excited.”
He smiles, both dimples, and Felix smiles back. His face hurts from smiling all day, actually. And he really thought he was telling the truth when he said he wasn’t nervous, but that changes as soon as they walk inside and Chris goes up to the front desk to tell the woman there what they’re there for. Right then, his stomach starts to twist up.
“Any big plans for the wedding night?” Jisung asks, quiet and conspiratorial, so Changbin can’t hear.
“Oh. No. Nothing special,” Felix says. “Dinner with you guys, I guess?”
“Nah. Changbin already agreed we’re gonna ditch tonight. Sorry. I’m no cockblock.” Jisung holds up his hands. “We’ll come around tomorrow, but tonight is just for you and your husband.”
Felix laughs. “What makes you so sure we’re fucking?”
“It’s all over your face. You look at him like you wanna eat him. It’s kind of disgusting, how obviously in love you are. It’s sweet. But yeah, I’m not gonna be around so much sexual tension all night.”
“Stop talking about sex before the wedding,” Changbin scolds Jisung, but Jisung just laughs.
Chris comes back over to them and informs them they’ll come get them from the waiting area in a few minutes. While they sit, Chris grabs Felix’s hand. He squeezes and doesn’t let go, and Felix doesn’t want him to. He’s almost lightheaded with emotion.
A few minutes feels like years.
The courthouse is a little musty, smells something like the hallways at university. Stuffy. People come and go. Felix wonders what they’re here for. He wonders how many weddings they do here.
He wonders until an older man comes to retrieve them and leads them down the hallway. There’s a room, specifically for weddings. The wedding ceremony room, as it eloquently said online. The capacity is only eleven people, but luckily they only have four.
The room is small.
It’s not as musty as the rest of the registry office, and it’s a lot brighter, white walls and white chairs and a small altar-like thing set up with flowers around it. It’s cute, but it’s a far cry from the beach wedding Felix pictured for them. No. Not for them. For Chris. Whatever.
“Your witnesses may take a seat,” the man says. He introduced himself by name a minute ago, when he got them in the lobby, but Felix wasn’t paying attention. He’s still gripping Chris’s hand. “We will perform the ceremony and then sign all the necessary documents afterwards. I understand you aren’t looking for anything too elaborate?”
“Oh. No, definitely not. We just wanna get married,” Chris says. He sounds so confident in it.
Felix feels like he’s floating.
One second he is standing by the door, and the next, he’s standing up by the little altar, holding both of Chris’s hands, and the man whose name he didn’t catch, is speaking. He honestly doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s not looking at the guy. He’s looking at Chris.
He mumbles some things, the words he’s supposed to say, maybe. And then the man says something he does catch.
“I understand you’ve written your own vows,” he says calmly. He sounds almost bored, but he’s smiling when Felix looks at him.
Vows. Fuck. Fucking shit.
He definitely didn’t write any vows. He thought about it, worried about it, but nothing sounded right when he tried. Apparently he’s going to wing it, then.
“I’ll go first,” Chris speaks up. Of course, Chris isn’t winging it. He lets go of one of Felix’s hands and digs into his pocket for a crumpled piece of paper that he must have been carrying around all day. The hand that Felix is still holding feels a little sweaty, but Felix just squeezes harder.
The paper Chris holds looks handwritten, some lines crossed out and blots of ink smeared. When did he take the time to write it? How long did it take?
“Um,” Chris clears his throat. Laughs. He’s nervous. His ears are red where they peek out from his curls. He looks so young suddenly, and Felix feels an ache in his chest. “I don’t really know if I believe in soulmates.” Oh god. “But I’ve always felt like you were home for me.”
Felix squeezes his eyes shut, his grip on Chris’s hand deadly at this point. He can’t cry. He will not cry.
“Whenever I’m with you…I feel like I’m home. I feel like you’re my other me. Like two halves of a whole. And so I want to spend the rest of my life making sure you feel whole. That we both do. And I know you’re afraid of falling, I know you’re afraid of hitting the ground and not being able to get back up again. That’s not how it should feel. So, if you ever feel like you’re falling, I want you to know that I’m always going to be here to catch you. I think I’ve been falling for a long time, and you’ve always caught me.”
Chris pauses and clears his throat again. Felix forces himself to look at him. His eyes look watery and his hand is shaking where he holds the paper he’s reading from. Except he’s not really reading from it. He’s looking back at Felix.
“And, um, I think you make me a more honest person. I want to—I promise I’ll try to make that up to you everyday. I’ve learned a lot from you, and you always take such good care of me, so I want to do that for you, too. If you hadn’t always been there for me, I think I would have suffered a lot mentally. But when I’m having a hard time, you’re always there. You’re always genuine with me. You’re the only person I can let go of everything with. You’re so—so precious to me. So I promise to be that for you, too.
“Ever since—I’ve always just felt like we’re connected. And I know I said I don’t believe in soulmates, but I think—I think if I did then you’d be it for me.”
Jesus Christ.
Chris is crying. He apologizes, lets go of Felix’s other hand to wipe his eyes and to fold his piece of paper back up and put it back in his pocket. The words feel like they’re still floating between them, swirling around and soaking into his skin.
There’s never been a time when Chris wasn’t sappy like this. He’s always been better with words and expressing how he feels. He’s definitely rivaled his vows just now in things he’s written in birthday cards over the years. Still, this is different. Heavier.
When Felix closes his eyes again, the hum of the AC sounds like a gentle breeze. The fluorescent lights behind his eyelids are the sun, blinding and warm. There’s sand under his bare feet and the sound of waves hitting the shore. If he opened his eyes again, he’d see his family and Chris’s family and all their friends watching them, standing at an altar perched in the sand. Chris’s hair is ruffled by the wind and his linen shirt is unbuttoned down to his chest, because Felix likes it that way.
The sun sets as the evening wears on, laughter and dancing and the promise of a future together.
When he opens his eyes though, Chris is watching him, nerves clear on his face. Changbin and Jisung are the only two people attending. The hardwood floor isn’t sand and there’s no breeze or salty air on his tongue.
He swallows.
“Chris—” He begins, because it’s his turn, isn’t it? “Chris, I’m not—I’m not as good at explaining how I feel. I’ve never been able to plan for the future or see what life might be like later on. The only thing I’ve been certain about is you. You’re always there. In any version of my life, however things turn out, you’re always there. So—so like you told me, wherever you go, I’ll go too. Are we supposed to promise things?” He pauses and glances awkwardly at the officiant, laughs, even though it’s broken and cracked and he’s eternally grateful no one is recording this because he doesn’t think he could handle watching it back. “Well, I promise that. That I’ll follow you. You told me that you’d never leave me behind and—and I’ll never leave you behind either.”
Chris sniffles. His nose is red. But he’s smiling again, shy. He won’t really make eye contact now, but that's okay too. Felix reaches out to take his hand again.
“I know no one is perfect, but to me, you are. Always have been. Maybe I don’t say it enough, or maybe I’m just bad at expressing everything I feel. But there’s just so much. I want to—I’ll try and show you. The best I can. Everyday. You’re my best friend.”
You’re my best friend.
But it’s more than that, isn’t it?
“Maybe if I loved you less, I could talk about it more,” Felix says, and Chris finally meets his eyes again. “But I want you to know that I do. Love you.”
There’s a long pause of silence. They’re just looking at each other. The officiant says something, and Felix doesn’t hear it again. He repeats himself and Chris blinks, nods. “Yes. Yes, I do,” he says quickly. Oh. Shit, wait, is this it?
They don’t have any other rings to exchange, but Felix thinks that’s probably for the best, if he had to let go of Chris’s hand for even a second he might pass out.
“And Felix, do you take Chris to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Platonically wedded husband. He could laugh, if he didn’t feel so close to tears. He might cry as soon as this is over. It’s not tears from nerves or regret. He’s happy. Scared, maybe. But happy. He’s on the beach and Chris is next to him and he feels like life finally makes sense.
“Yes. I do.”
“In that case, I now pronounce you married.” Jisung cheers and Felix does laugh, but it sends the tears welling in his eyes, streaming down his face. “You may now kiss the groom.”
The statement is directed at both of them, it seems, and Felix quickly remembers the main problem in this whole thing. Of course it’s expected that they’re going to kiss. The officiant thinks they’re a couple, and who wouldn’t, after everything they just said. Jisung and Changbin think so too, because they’re idiots and they didn’t tell them the whole truth. It’s fine though.
But it’s going to be weird if they don’t kiss, right?
It’s going to be weird if they do kiss.
They’ve never kissed before. Felix knows a lot of his friends kiss their friends. It’s a queer thing, maybe. But Chris isn’t the type to go around kissing his homies. Besides on the cheek or the forehead, they’ve never kissed. Not even when Felix complained about not having his first kiss yet, at fifteen, and Chris listened to him whine and whine for an hour about it. “Sucks, mate,” he’d said. He didn’t offer to be Felix’s first kiss. So they didn’t kiss.
“Well, actually, we—” Chris starts to say. He rubs the back of his own neck, cheeks flushed and shiny with tears.
“No,” Felix cuts in. The officiant is looking at them kind of funny. Jisung and Changbin are exchanging looks too. “It’s okay.”
“Oh. Are you—are you sure?” Chris asks. He’s still got one of Felix’s hands. Felix nods, and steps just a little bit closer. They’re supposed to do this, and it’ll be fine. They’re supposed to, and Felix finds that he wants to.
Because maybe it’ll be weird. It’ll almost definitely be weird, right? He’s known Chris since the day he was born, pretty much. That’s an actual fact. Their mothers are close, and Chris’s mom visited Felix’s mom in the hospital the day Felix was born. Little toddler Chris was with her. There’s a picture of it, somewhere.
So he’s known Chris all his life, seen him at his lowest. He saw him through his awkward teenage years when he hadn’t quite grown into himself yet. He’s seen him angry and upset and frustrated. Seen him so happy he couldn’t stop smiling. Chris has seen Felix through all his gross phases and nerdy rants.
They’re best friends.
It’s going to be weird when they kiss, and that will be that. It’ll solidify the fact that they’re doing the right thing in this platonic marriage pact. Platonic implies you don’t kiss because it’s weird if you do.
So they’ll do it just this once.
“Kiss me,” Felix says softly. Just this once. Just so we’ll know.
Chris nods too, and he steps in. His hands come up and caress Felix’s face. He’s pretty sure Chris has tried to count his freckles. He’s probably got them memorized. His hands trail down, rest at his neck. Neither of them have to bend down or stand on their toes. They’re nose-to-nose. Felix grabs for Chris’s waist. Just to steady himself.
He’s not sure which one of them closes the remaining space between them. All he knows is he closes his eyes and Chris’s nose bumps against his own, and then he feels the press of Chris’s lips.
All he knows is this.
He presses in, firm, want, right.
Chris parts his lips just enough to make it a real kiss. He tastes like salt, like tears, like home. They part, then connect again, and it feels like the first time he’s ever kissed anyone. At the same time, it’s like they’ve done this a million times before. Either way, Felix knows no one else matters because now he’s kissing Chris.
The worst part is, it’s not weird.
It’s perfect.
It lasts a lifetime, and then it’s over.
They part at the same time, always in sync, eyes glassy, and bodies trembling. It’s hard to decipher the expression on Chris’s face. All Felix knows is that he wants to get lost in it. In his eyes and in this feeling between them now. He doesn’t want it to end.
Only, it has to. Because Jisung and Changbin start cheering, and Felix remembers they’re not alone. They’re not alone and they’re not supposed to kiss, so he steps back, and smiles over at Chris’s friends.
Everything after that is a bit of a blur.
They have to sign some documents, and make everything official. Jisung and Changbin have to sign too, as their witnesses. Between that they’re taking a bunch of pictures. Apparently they were taking pictures during the little ceremony too. There’s one of them kissing. Chris doesn’t seem like he wants to look at it.
They get a marriage certificate at the end of it, which feels like a brick in Felix’s hand.
One second it’s being handed to him, and the next they’re making their way out of the registry office, down the hallway and back outside into the evening air. So with that, he’s married to Chris. Chris is married to him. Chris and Felix. Felix and Chris.
He only realizes he’s still holding Chris’s hand when he feels another firm squeeze. It knocks him back into the moment.
“You good?” Chris asks softly.
“Yeah. You?”
“Yeah. Kind of crazy, right? Are we crazy?” Chris asks, then he laughs. “I mean, we definitely are.”
“Maybe a little.” Felix looks down at their hands. “It was nice. The whole thing.”
“Yeah. Yeah, it was. I—”
“Heyo,” Jisung says suddenly. “We’re departing for the evening.”
“Wait, what? I thought we were having dinner?” Chris says.
“You guys can do whatever you want. We’ll catch you tomorrow, for sure. But it’s your wedding night,” Jisung says with a smirk. “So have fun, but not with us.”
“Dude, it’s not like that. You don’t have to—”
“This is your night,” Changbin says. “We’re so happy for you. Enjoy it, okay? Go have dinner with your husband, man.”
Chris makes a face, a weird one, and glances at Felix like he wants help, but who is Felix to argue with them. They’ve clearly planned this, after all, Jisung told him so earlier. And there’s a car pulling up for them, the driver waving at them. They’ve probably already got other plans for themselves for the evening.
“I mean—I invited you and—and I don’t want you feel left out or—”
“We’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t worry about it. Have a good night,” Changbin says. “And congrats. Seriously. You deserve this.”
“Yeah. Use protection! Or, well, maybe don’t. Whatever you’re into. Rawdog it if you want,” Jisung chimes it with a wink, and then they’re backing away and getting into their car.
Chris just stands there on the steps for a few moments after the car pulls away. He looks a bit lost, so Felix tugs on his arm. No need to dwell on the change of plans. Or Jisung’s comments. Chris does deserve this. He deserves to be happy.
“Let’s go,” Felix says.
“Go where?”
“Anywhere,” he replies. “How about the beach?”
~
Felix wakes up with his face smushed into the back of their couch, a stomach ache, and hair crunchy from saltwater.
He groans and attempts to roll around, but he’s trapped by Chris, squished sideways on the couch with him. Their skin sticks together where it’s bare, and as usual, Chris has a hand under Felix’s t-shirt. His hair is wild when Felix does manage to turn around, all curly and puffy and sticking up in various directions.
The TV is still on too, playing some early morning show now. There’s takeout containers left on the table and their half-eaten wedding cake. Which would definitely explain his stomach ache.
He’s not hungover, he had maybe one shitty beer last night, but he is tired. They stayed up late. They drove straight to the beach from the courthouse, stripped down to their underwear, and ran into the water. It was perfect, the waves around them as the sun went down and the stars came out. They laid out on the sand and looked for constellations.
And then, eventually, they made their way home. Picked up something to eat and ate it in the kitchen still covered in sand and salt water. They laughed until they couldn’t breathe, and then some more. Ate too much cake without even bothering to cut proper slices. And at some point, they must have fallen asleep on the couch.
If not for the ring on his finger, and the marriage certificate sitting on the table in their living room next to their takeout containers, Felix would think last night was just any other Friday night. Just them being stupid and staying up too late and pretending they’re the last two people left on planet Earth.
“Are you awake?” Chris sounds groggy, and his eyes aren’t even open when Felix turns to look at him. He’s still wearing the nice shirt they bought, but it’s sticking to his skin. They’re gross. But it’s fine.
“Yeah. Unfortunately. I think I ate too much cake.”
Chris laughs. “Yeah, me too.” He removes his hand from under Felix’s shirt and peels his eyes open, his signature lopsided smile on his face. “Hey, um, we didn’t really talk about it last night. But, uh, yesterday, the—you know. When we kissed, yeah? It was—that was okay, right? Because I know you said it was fine. I just wanna make sure.”
“It was okay,” Felix says, even though it’s way too early for this conversation. Way too early to be faced with his feelings and the things he said during the ceremony. “You’re a pretty good kisser, I guess.”
Chris scoffs. “Wow, thanks.”
“It was nice, Chris. You don’t have to worry about it. We don’t have to talk about it.”
“Yeah. Yeah, right. I mean, obviously we aren’t gonna do it again. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. That’s all. I’m okay with it. It was nice. But, I like things the way they are. Platonic. So. Everything is good.”
Felix stares at the ceiling.
So this is what Chris wants. Which is fine, because this is what Felix wants too. Only, if Chris was in love with him, wouldn’t now be the time to say so? After everything they said yesterday? After the kiss? Shouldn’t this be the part where they confess?
Felix’s chest tightens. The ceiling swirls and shifts above him until he blinks and the world stops spinning. No. This is for the best. It’s what he wants. This way, things won’t crash and burn. They’ve always been good just the way they are, and it’ll stay that way.
But really. Why wouldn’t Chris tell him the truth? Didn’t he say Felix makes him a more honest person?
Probably because admitting you’re in love with someone is hard, the little voice in his head supplies.
And because you’ve never taken a relationship seriously in your life, it reminds him. And you’re terrible at being vulnerable. And you just thought up vows on the spot instead of taking time to write them. And you agreed to this being platonic. And Chris could never really love you. You’re just too much.
“Right. Everything is good.” Felix sits up and smiles down at Chris, pats him on the chest. “I need a shower. And probably to do unspeakable things to the toilet. So. Don’t wait up.”
“Well don’t take too long, I need a shower too.”
“No promises!”
This is great. Everything is fine.
~
Everything is fine for approximately a week.
Felix has a few more days off work, which means they spend a lot of time hanging with Jisung and Changbin, taking them around to tourist spots and their own favorite places. It’s fun, and easy, and it’s nice to see Chris relaxing and not worrying so much about work and contracts and the future. He’s at ease with his business partners and friends, and even more so with Felix.
But on Wednesday, Changbin and Jisung have to return to Korea. Chris drives them to the airport early in the morning and Felix returns to work the same day. With distractions, it was easy to pretend like everything was normal. But they have to go back to real life, and Felix knows he’s not going to be able to ignore what he’s been feeling.
It’s not even that he’s in complete denial. He just doesn’t want to unpack it all. Even just looking at Chris tugs at his heart. Really, telling him the truth should be easy, but the idea of possibly losing Chris is so terrifying that it seems easier just to push it all down.
Lots of people are in love and never do anything about it. And why should he? Why should Chris, when things are fine the way they are.
The fact that he can’t stop thinking about their ten second kiss doesn’t matter. He’ll shake it off eventually.
And at least he can try to distract himself with work. He won’t be at home all day with Chris, so things will just go back to normal between them. Nevermind the lingering touches or sleeping in the same bed or domestic bliss. Nevermind the fantasies that overwhelm him, thoughts of kissing and touches that don’t just linger, but stay.
Nevermind the fact that they’re married.
But of course, as much as he hopes work will distract him, he walks in on Wednesday and finds that the entire establishment seems to know what he was up to over the weekend. Even Joann from reception congratulated him on getting married, as soon as he walked in. This is all undoubtedly thanks to Seungmin.
Everyone asks to see pictures and asks for details about a relationship that doesn’t really exist. Jeongin teases him about the platonic part of it all, and Seungmin has everyone sign a congratulatory card.
On Thursday, Chris comes in to bring him lunch, and it’s like he’s suddenly a celebrity. He gets red and flustered, but he’s also giggling and basking in the attention. It’s easy for him to entertain the half lie, it seems. Seungmin and Jeongin are the only ones that know it’s a platonic marriage pact, after all. Seungmin wasn’t so cruel as to depart that detail to everyone.
The distraction is shattered with Chris coming, charming everyone, and wrapping his arm around Felix’s waist, like this is how they always should be. He even makes Joann laugh, and Felix is pretty sure she’s never smiled a day in her life before now.
At home, though, Chris is also busy. He’s consumed with meetings and contract negotiation and catching up on things since he took time off too. The virtual meetings go late into the night sometimes, so even though they’re still sharing a bed, Chris is often crawling in so late that it’s closer to morning.
That’s okay too. It’s like that sometimes.
It just means there’s no time to worry about feelings.
But, Felix starts to think maybe he’s been in love with Chris for longer than he thought. He thinks about it during the day on Friday, lost in thought in the breakroom. Replaying memories in his head, all the way back to childhood. How young is too young to fall in love? Is it possible for him to have loved Chris all his life? Was Chris right? Could they be soulmates?
“You’re not gonna have time to finish your lunch,” Seungmin says, and Felix blinks up at him.
“Sorry. Were you saying something?”
“No. Just that you seem distracted.”
“Yeah. It’s been a weird week.”
“Not adjusting well to married life?” Seungmim asks.
“No. I mean, no, it’s not that,” Felix shakes his head. “It’s been nice. Like, same as always.”
“And you guys really aren’t sleeping together? Because yesterday, he was super touchy with you. You were super touchy with him. I mean, you guys are always like that, when he brings you lunch and stuff. It seems…intimate.”
Felix rolls his eyes. “No, we aren’t sleeping together.”
“You never have?”
“Nope.”
“Damn. Why? Like, he’s hot. Why haven’t you hit that?”
“He’s my best friend, Seungmin. It’s not like that.” Except maybe he wants it to be. The kiss wasn’t weird. Would more be weird? Probably. He can imagine it, and he has been imagining it (still with some guilt), but imagination and reality are two different things.
“Have you guys kissed?”
“Yeah. Just. At the wedding thing. That’s all.”
“How was it?”
Seungmin wants gossip. But he also sounds different than he usually does when they’re gossiping on work premises. More serious.
“It was…nice. I don’t know. I enjoyed it. But we agreed on platonic. I don’t think he wants to screw things up by making it more. We’d be doing things backwards, anyway. How are you supposed to start a relationship when you’re already married?” Felix says. “His ex said he—he had feelings for me. But I think maybe he’s over it. Or something. Maybe he thinks he just doesn’t have the time or energy for a romantic relationship, and that’s okay. I’m not good at feelings either. Like, sure, I miss sex a little bit, but I don’t need it.”
“Dude, you are so stupid,” Seungmin sighs. “Just kiss the guy already. You sound like a loser, we’re adults. If you love him, then be with him. Why are you guys dancing around it?”
“You’re a loser,” Felix argues, very maturely. “You don’t get it.”
“No, because neither do you. You couldn’t even explain to me why you guys did all this. Clearly you guys want to be together, you’re just scared. And love is scary. That’s not a bad thing.”
“It’s not that it’s scary. Being with him doesn’t feel scary, that's the point! I don’t want it to turn scary!” Felix whines, leaning back in his chair. “Being with him is easy. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done. And if we make it into more, it’s gonna fuck that up.”
Seungmin stares at him from across the table. His face is weirdly blank, like he’s trying to get Felix to communicate with him telepathically. When that doesn’t work, he laughs. Well, it’s more of a scoff.
“Not a lot of people find what you’ve found with Chris,” Seungmin says eventually. “You’re really lucky, Felix.”
And he leaves it at that.
However, Felix’s thoughts do not leave it at that.
He gets home that Friday evening, and he’s got an itch under his skin. The apartment is quiet, but he can hear Chris typing on his laptop. After washing his hands and changing into something more comfortable, Felix finds him in the living room, sitting on the edge of the couch and leaning over his laptop, engrossed with it. Working. The usual.
Felix crawls over next to him, and then nearly behind him, arms around Chris’s middle and chin on his shoulder as he situates himself between Chris and the couch. For a few minutes, Chris doesn’t even react, just lets Felix cling to him while he continues writing an email to someone or another, and doing something with some file. It’s all very foreign to Felix, but he likes watching Chris work.
Eventually, Chris hums. “How was your day?”
“Fine. Boring. Seungmin was being annoying,” Felix drones. “How was yours? You look busy.”
“Yeah. Looks like we’ll be getting to work with a group that just debuted. So we’re talking with them and finalizing the contract, so it’s been a lot,” Chris admits. “But nothing I can’t handle.” He turns to smile at Felix from where he’s perched, hand squeezing the arm that’s wrapped around his middle.
“I missed you today,” Felix hears himself mumble. He’s sort of zoning out, looking at the computer screen. Chris smells nice, clean and warm with a hint of his usual cologne. Something expensive. And he’s dressed, Felix realizes belatedly. Like actually dressed, in a light sweatshirt and his usual black, ripped jeans. Is he planning on going somewhere? Or did he just get dressed for his virtual meetings?
“I missed you too,” Chris says. He starts typing something else though, and Felix settles himself more next to him, instead of behind, but he keeps his chin propped on Chris’s shoulder. He’s not really sure why he feels so clingy. Well, he knows why.
He decides it’s all Seungmin’s fault though.
“All the ladies at work were talking about you today,” Felix says. “They were saying how handsome you are. Which is kind of rude because you always bring me lunch and they never said anything before.”
“Well, unfortunately for them, I am a married man now,” Chris says absently, the corner of his lips turning up.
“Yeah, I guess they just want what they can’t have.”
“Dunno,” Chris continues. “Joann at reception is kind of hot.”
“That’s disgusting, she’s probably, like, sixty.”
“Ah, an older woman.”
Felix gags, and Chris laughs. He finally stops typing on his laptop, maybe reading over some email or another he’s written out, but Felix isn’t paying attention to that. He’s turned to watch Chris, the same way he’s found himself doing a lot lately.
He’s just so. So beautiful. Felix thinks maybe he’s obsessed with him, suddenly, with studying every aspect of his face. He’s always thought Chris was beautiful, of course, but these past months have really only heightened it. It resurfaces memories of admiring his best friend in the past; of talking him up to everyone who would listen. How had no one told him he was in love with Chris before?
He really never has been very subtle about it. But, how was anyone else supposed to notice when he didn’t even notice it himself?
Felix sighs softly and noses against Chris’s neck. For a second, he shies away from the sudden touch, probably because it tickles, but then he relaxes again. His cologne is stronger behind his ears, he must have put some there. His hair is done too, mostly straightened, except where it barely curls at the ends.
“Joann at reception can’t have you,” Felix says decidedly.
“Mm?”
“You’re mine.”
Chris makes another noise, something different. He shifts, and Felix thinks maybe Seungmin must have slipped him some kind of truth serum or confidence potion because he isn’t sure why he’s acting like this. He just. Wants . And Chris wants him too, doesn’t he? He’s just holding back, because he doesn’t understand Felix wants him too.
That’s all it is.
Sure, it’s terrifying. Felix thinks he’s going to vibrate out of his skin.
Maybe they should kiss again.
Just one more time. Just to make sure it’s not weird. The first time was all adrenaline, wasn’t it? Surely this time would be different.
“Yeah I—” Chris’s voice cracks. “Lix, you’re being weird.”
He doesn’t say it to be mean. He’s half-laughing. Felix noses up, his lips graze skin. “Yeah, but you love me.”
He laughs too, but it’s in his usual little gremlin way, like he does when they’re joking around and when he’s trying to wiggle his way under Chris’s skin. And he bites Chris’s ear, metal of his earring in his mouth. Maybe he has a thing for it, sue him, Chris is very biteable.
Chris doesn’t struggle, or screech or whine. Felix stops, leans back enough to look at him properly again.
Yeah, but you love me.
Was that the wrong thing to say?
It’s true though, isn’t it?
Isn’t it?
Felix knows he’s about to do something very stupid. Chris is looking at him like he knows it too. Which is fine, because Felix does stupid things all the time and it usually turns out fine in the end.
So when his eyes flicker down to Chris’s lips, he’s pretty sure it’ll be fine. He’s pretty sure Chris looks at his lips too. And when he leans in, cups the back of Chris’s neck, and kisses him, he’s definitely sure it’ll be fine.
One thing it definitely isn’t, is weird. There’s still adrenaline, his heart is beating so fast he shouldn’t even still be breathing. Well, maybe he’s not. Breathing comes secondary to this. To kissing Chris.
Except, he tries to deepen it. His lips move and Chris makes a sound, broken in the back of his throat. All Felix wants is for Chris to snap, to hold him and kiss him like he means it. Like he must want to.
That doesn’t happen.
A hand comes to Felix’s shoulder, and he has only a split second of euphoria where he thinks Chris is going to pull him in. Instead, he’s being pushed away. He gets a head rush, and his mouth feels dry, and Chris is looking at him with wide, panicked eyes.
“I—” Felix starts, and stops, because what is he supposed to say? I’m sorry? He’s not sorry. Not really. Getting there, sure, guilt blooming heavy in his chest, but it hasn’t taken root yet.
“We shouldn’t do that,” Chris says. He sounds surprisingly firm and Felix’s stomach swoops uncomfortably. “It’s—it’s just too much, Lix. I can’t do that with you.”
“What—”
“We don’t want the lines to get too blurry, yeah?” Chris looks away, hands balled together when he stands up, leaving Felix reeling on the couch. “Don’t wanna screw this up between us, that’s what you said. So, we shouldn’t—let’s just—yeah. We shouldn’t do that.”
“Okay. Um. Okay, I’m sorry,” Felix blurts out, even though his ears are ringing and he doesn’t think he’s ever experienced rejection quite this intense, quite this confusing.
“No, it’s fine. Look, um, it’s really okay.”
“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it. I didn’t—I just got caught up. I don’t know. I had a weird day and—and that’s all. Not a big deal. Shouldn’t have done it,” he rambles. Rambles and rambles instead of saying the three words he should say instead.
“I have to—I’m meeting Hyunjin. Today. Now. I need to go now or I’ll be late,” Chris says. He won’t look at Felix. “I have some of his stuff and he texted saying he wants to talk. Just, like, to maybe try and be friends again. And we’ve texted here and there and I know you haven’t talked to him so maybe this will help and—”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Felix grits out. He knows he sounds mad, even though he doesn’t mean to. Well, he is mad. Upset. He’s devastated, maybe, and it’s turning into something bitter.
“Do you want to come? You can? Maybe that—”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Okay. Um, I was thinking about telling him everything? I’d hate to continue keeping it a secret so—”
It’s rude to keep interrupting, but Felix doesn’t care. “Whatever you want.” He stands up too and starts to make his way over to his room, hands shaking and head spinning. He can feel Chris’s eyes on him. “I think I’ll go out too then.”
“Go where?” Chris calls after him.
“Dunno. Wherever. Maybe a bar. Been a while.”
He doesn’t turn around, just goes into his room and starts digging through his closet, looking for something nice. Everything is blurry, and he realizes then that it’s because he’s crying. The tears are hot down his cheeks and he wipes them away aggressively, unwilling to let Chris see him cry over this.
He pulls clothes out, throws them towards the bed. Tight jeans and a white t-shirt. Something. Anything. It doesn’t really matter what he wears. Someone will give him attention. Someone will bring him home. That’s what he needs. Just a distraction, a reminder that he’s fine with things being casual and he’s fine not having to feel anything more.
“Lix,” Chris’s voice sounds far away, even though he’s only standing in the doorway. Felix doesn’t turn to look at him. He can’t. “Lix, is this—are we fighting? Is this a fight?”
Felix sniffles.
He’s at the part in the movie right before everything goes to shit. The climax. There’s nowhere to go but down, down, down. He’s at the top of the rollercoaster, waiting to tip over the edge. No rewind button, no seatbelt holding him in. He’s falling.
It hurts here, on the ground.
Maybe Chris will go talk to Hyunjin, and they’ll decide to get back together. Perfect, put together Hyunjin, who can’t stop talking about the things he loves. Who loves proudly and easily and without worrying about the pain that might come at the end. That’s the kind of person Chris needs. Not someone who can’t open up, who kisses him and hopes he understands. He deserves someone better.
Maybe if I loved you less, I could talk about it more.
Maybe if he loved Chris less, this wouldn’t hurt so much.
“No,” Felix hears himself answer. “We aren’t fighting.”
“Okay. But, you seem mad.”
“I’m not. You should go meet Hyunjin. He hates it when people are late,” Felix says, staring into the void of his closet. “Don’t wait up for me when you get back. I might stay out.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
“That’s fine, right? We’re fine, because it’s not—it’s platonic. So—”
“That’s what we agreed.”
Felix turns now, even though he’s sure his eyes are still wet. Chris is standing there, jaw clenched, hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched. Usually, he wears his emotions on his sleeve, but it’s hard to tell now what he’s feeling. If Felix is just projecting his own anger and devastation onto Chris.
“Okay,” he grits out.
And with that, Chris gives him a curt little nod and turns on his heel. Felix stands there in his closet and waits until he hears Chris leave seconds later.
This is definitely a fight.
A fight that feels infinitely worse than the one they had years prior.
All this lasted a whopping whole week. How embarrassing. One week of being platonically married to his best friend, and he’s already managed to ruin it. Only an idiot would fuck up this bad after a week. Are they going to have to sign divorce papers? At least they didn’t tell their families yet.
Maybe he’s just spiraling.
Well, he’s definitely spiraling. Running through all the possible outcomes, all the possible ways this shit-show of a movie could end. That makes it easier, imagining it’s not his life. That he’s just the main character in a film, and somehow a resolution will eventually come, even if it doesn’t feel like it will.
Though, as he spends too long in the shower, he realizes not every movie has a happy ending. And perhaps his is one of those. Maybe he’s not the main character after all, maybe he’s the villain. Chris is the main character, then, sweet and lovely Chris, who will realize he should have never fallen into the trap that is Felix Lee.
Felix walks down all those roads on his way to the bar, hair styled and body scrubbed clean, face free of tears. He didn’t bother with makeup, didn’t even bother with his favorite dangly earrings or any other jewelry, for that matter. He’s only wearing the ring. The one Chris gave him. Their makeshift wedding rings. The metal burns his skin when he walks into a gay bar he’s frequented in the past. Small and intimate and not too loud, but loud enough.
This is the part of the movie where the audience realizes he’s the villain. They probably didn’t quite get it before. But they see now. The scene switches to Chris, having dinner with Hyunjin, and they’re laughing, and Chris is realizing his feelings for Felix were just superficial. He was only in love with the idea of Felix, not the reality of him.
Reality sucks.
This bar sucks too.
Did it always suck?
He looks around from where he’s perched himself in a corner booth. Usually he’d sit at the bar itself, but it’s too crowded on a Friday evening, and he didn’t feel like having to chat someone up to get a spot. He also doesn’t feel like drinking. The music seems louder tonight. The lights are too bright.
Suddenly, his chest aches. He’s been here so many times, so many nights talking to random guys and knowing it didn’t mean anything. Knowing he was fine with that. But was he? He always felt a little emptier afterwards. Sex and meaningless conversations have barely crossed his mind lately. Almost like he never really enjoyed it all to begin with.
What he does enjoy is eating too much cake with his best friend. Running into the ocean. Laughing until his face hurts.
But this is what he was afraid of. The pain. Hitting the ground. Facing the fact that maybe he’s unloveable.
So, what’s worse? Feeling empty, or feeling heartbreak?
He sighs and takes his phone out of his pocket, scrolls through his short list of contacts. Before the wedding, around the same time that he deleted his dating apps, he also deleted any old numbers from guys he might have hooked up with in the past. So there’s not a lot of options left.
Seungmin is an option. Maybe he would come out and hang. Although, he definitely doesn’t want to hook up with Seungmin and he doesn’t want Seungmin to get the wrong idea, either. Well, he probably wouldn’t get the wrong idea, but he will probably try to give Felix unsolicited advice.
Jeongin would be a similar problem. And he can’t call Hyunjin, because Hyunjin is with Chris. He has other friends, but not ones he’s super close to. None of them would understand all this.
With a sigh, he puts his phone down on the table and drags his hands through his hair. This was a stupid idea. All he’s done is prove everyone else right about himself. Everything he’s worried was ever true, must be, because here he is, hiding and not being honest and looking for connections where he won’t find them.
“Hey, can I buy you a drink?”
Felix looks up, towards the voice behind him. Some guy stands there, the tall-dark-and-handsome type. Several months ago, Felix would gladly accept a drink from him. Now he just wants to go home.
“No thanks, mate,” he mutters. Maybe if he stares at his phone long enough, Chris will text. Why would he though? Felix is the one who made things worse. Chris didn’t even do anything.
“You sure? Cute guy like you shouldn’t be sitting alone in a corner,” Some Guy continues. He walks around to lean against Felix’s table.
“Um. Yeah, no, I’m sure,” Felix insists, forcing a smile. He’s not trying to be rude, but he just wants to sulk alone. There’s no point in pretending like he can try bringing someone home or going home with someone. He wouldn’t be into it.
“How come? Waiting for someone?”
“I’m—” A moment of hesitation. “I’m married.”
“Oh.” Some Guy raises his eyebrows. “That doesn’t have to be a problem.”
“Well it is one.”
“You sure? I don’t see anyone here with you? Seems like you’re looking for something different tonight,” Some Guy tries again. He reaches towards Felix, but he quickly flinches away.
“I said no.”
“Alright, Jesus, you’re not even all that anyway,” he says with a very clear tone of disgust. “Feel sorry for whoever married you.”
And Felix knows he’s just annoyed at being rejected. It doesn’t hurt any more than anything else has today. Assholes will be assholes, after all.
Except Felix feels bad for Chris too.
He’s not sure how long he sits there and overthinks it all. Could be an hour, could be more. It’s long enough for a couple more guys to try and approach him, but he turns them down too. When people start dancing and the music gets louder, Felix debates leaving. He’s almost made up his mind when his phone vibrates on the table.
Of course his head snaps down to check it, but it’s not Chris. It’s Hyunjin. Briefly, that makes Felix feel a little sick.
Then he reads the message.
hyune: you guys are so stupid
hyune: literally the dumbest people i’ve ever met
hyune: like why am i having to play matchmaker for my ex and his homoerotic best friend
hyune: this is the gayest thing i’ve ever done istg
Felix blinks.
felix: ????
hyune: as your friend, i must ask, have you ever heard of…
hyune: communication
felix: what
felix: are you talking about
hyune: just go home
Well, he was going to do that anyway. One can only overthink and wallow in a gay bar for so long. Might as well go face the music now. Hyunjin’s messages aren’t exactly subtle, but they don’t make Felix feel much better, either.
Even so, he heads out, on the off-chance that Hyunjin is suddenly Australia’s best platonic marriage counselor.
~
Unsurprisingly, Chris is home when Felix slinks in. Hyunjin must have sent him on his way around the same time that he texted, perfectly orchestrating what will either be their reconciliation, or their downfall.
And even though Felix hasn’t done anything wrong, it definitely feels like he’s just done the walk of shame. Especially when Chris looks over from where he’s sitting on the couch, wringing his hands. He looks visibly agitated.
Felix closes the door and locks up, kicks off his shoes and then just stands there, because what the fuck is he supposed to say. Sure, he said they weren’t fighting, but that was obviously a lie. And now he’s just come home late from a bar and Chris is back from seeing his ex. Sure, the argument was only a couple of hours ago, but it feels like it was longer.
“Um,” Chris starts, because he’s better at this. “So Hyunjin said that he talked to you, right before we got married.”
Oh yeah. That part.
No use in trying to deny it.
“Yeah. We ran into each other.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t want you to change your mind,” Felix admits. Time to try out communication. “I still wanted to marry you.”
“He told me what he told you,” Chris clarifies, as if that wasn’t obvious before. And then he stands, nervous and awkward, and they’re never awkward with each other. But Chris wants to be closer, that much is obvious. So Felix meets him halfway. They stand there in the middle of the living room, just out of reach.
“Yeah.”
“It—and that didn’t freak you out? I mean—I don’t know how to explain myself. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why you would still wanna go through with getting married to me after that,” Chris rambles. “Like, I mean, Hyunjin says you got really emotional. And I don’t know, he thinks, well, he thinks a lot of things. And I don’t know what I think. But I’m mad. That you went out to the bar. I didn’t want you to, but who am I to tell you not to?”
Felix laughs, dry and without humor. “Well, technically, you’re my husband.”
“Did you sleep with someone?” Chris asks, abandoning the other tangent he was on. There’s no malice behind his words, though. He doesn’t sound accusatory. Just sad. Felix has seen Chris get mad, in general, but he doesn’t direct anger at Felix. He’s too good for that. Truthfully, it takes a lot to get him to actually get mad at someone enough to show it. Maybe if Felix had slept with someone, he’d see that side of Chris come out. Luckily, he won’t have to find out.
“No,” Felix answers. “Didn’t want to.”
“I didn’t want you to either.”
“Because you’re in love with me.”
Chris winces. Which is exactly what Felix was afraid of. Right now, he’s feeling everything at once, and nothing at all. This conversation was bound to happen eventually, he just didn’t think it would be so soon.
“Hyunjin informed me that—that maybe you kissed me earlier because…because you like me too. And not just because of…some weird bro thing,” Chris says. “And I thought about it and maybe it was obvious, but I’ve loved you for a long time and I’ve kind of convinced myself that it’s always going to be one-sided. And if it is, then that’s okay. I’m happy to love you however you need me to.”
“I’m not good at this,” Felix grits out. He’s not going to cry again tonight. “I’m really scared. And I—I want you.”
That’s still not what he wants to say, but it seems to do something for Chris. His eyes widen slightly, enough to make him stand a little straighter and relax his shoulders.
“You do?”
“I think I’ve loved you for a long time, too,” Felix admits. Which is, finally, at least part of what he wants to say. The flood gates open, and all the emotions can pour out. Not that he knows how to articulate them at all, but he knows they’re there. He knows he can feel it. He can fall, and when he meets Chris’s gaze, he’s there. Chris is here to catch him.
“Why didn’t you say something before? Before we got married?”
“I didn’t realize at first,” Felix admits. “And—and I didn’t want you to freak out and call it off and I was still trying to figure out what everything meant. Part of me thinks you deserve better than me, too.” Chris narrows his eyes at that, like even the insinuation offends him. “Because I’m not good at commitment and relationships and this whole thing scares the shit out of me. But it’s you, right? Even though I felt like maybe everything was doomed, I thought it would be okay because it’s you. So long as we just kept things like they've always been.”
“What do you think now?”
“That if it’s you, maybe I—maybe we can do it,” Felix says. His hands feel clammy and his cheeks are hot and that itch under his skin returns. “Maybe I can be good at a relationship if it’s with you.”
Chris shifts on his feet. Unsure. He shouldn’t be, but he is. This has been years in the making, after all. He never thought he’d have this. But now Felix needs him closer, needs to know this is real. So he extends one hand and that’s enough, it seems, because Chris steps in, one foot forward and then the other, and Felix holds onto his shoulders, and then his neck, into his hair. This is home. The one place he never feels scared, not truly. The one place that’s safe and won’t ever go away.
“I think—I think there’s still a lot of things we should say or—or talk about, but I can’t really think straight right now,” Chris says with one of his perfect, adorable, nervous little laughs.
“Then don’t,” Felix says. “Actually, I’m counting on you not thinking straight. I’d prefer gay thoughts only.”
Chris laughs again, tilts forward so their foreheads touch. “Is this real?”
“I think so.”
“I love you,” Chris breathes. “Am I allowed to say that? Is it okay?”
“You say it all the time,” Felix points out. He can feel Chris’s breath against his lips. But he waits.
“Yeah, but you know how I mean it now,” Chris points out. He smiles. Felix thinks he can taste it.
“That’s not how you’ve always meant it?” he teases, and Chris’s hands settle on his waist. A surge of something pulses down Felix’s spine. The itch turns into a buzz. This should be weird, but if two kisses weren’t, then surely this won’t be either.
“Lix.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. And you can say it as much as you want. Actually, I think you should say it all the time. And—and I’ll try and show you. Since I’m not so good at saying it.” He brushes through the curls at the nape of Chris’s neck. “But I love you, too. I sat there at the bar thinking about all the horrible ways this could turn out, but I’d rather risk it on the off-chance it’s good because—because I love you, too, Chris. Just took a marriage pact to make me realize it, I guess.”
“Shit, we’ve done this all out of order, haven’t we?” Chris asks, leaning back again enough to look at Felix properly. He actually looks worried for a second, but Felix is quick to smile and alleviate his concerns.
“We’ve always been a little weird.”
“You’re more than a little weird,” Chris counters. Felix smiles wider. He’s so fond of Chris, it feels like he could burst with it. “But luckily you’re cute. And you’re—you’re my husband. Not-so-platonic husband? How are we supposed to explain this to people? I feel like this is even worse. Like, yeah we got married as bros but now we’re dating but we’re also already married and, I mean, we—wait, are we dating? Are you my boyfriend now? I know you’re my husband but—”
“Chris,” Felix leans in, bumps their noses together. “Can I kiss you? And not in a weird, bro way.”
Chris doesn’t answer. His breath hitches in his throat, Felix hears it, and then Chris surges forward and kisses him, hands tightening at his waist and a small, strangled sound leaving his throat when their lips meet. Like he’s been waiting for this. Like he needs it.
Kissing someone has never felt like this. The wedding felt like a spark, the beginning of something, but this is like a flame, a bonfire erupting in his chest when Chris pulls him closer, kisses him harder. When their lips part, it’s definitely not weird. There’s explosions behind Felix’s closed eyelids, so many beginnings he can’t keep count. Chris’s tongue is in his mouth, his hands are sliding their way under his shirt. He moans at the touch, and Felix does too, deeper and more guttural.
Felix slides his tongue alongside Chris’s. It makes him moan again, fingers flexing against the skin of Felix’s back. The kiss is so all-consuming that Felix doesn’t realize Chris is walking him backwards until his back hits a wall or a door or some hard surface. He grunts and licks the backs of Chris’s teeth, grips his neck a little harder, pulls at curls, and then bites down on Chris’s plump lower lip. Not hard enough to draw blood, just hard enough to tug on it, enough to make him open his mouth, go slack, so Felix can continue his attempt to crawl into Chris’s mouth, tongue first.
Chris is pliant for him, at least for a moment. Felix wants to eat him. Wants to melt into him. He doesn’t think it’s possible to get close enough. In the haze of their lips catching, Felix feels the hands on his back slide higher and Chris starts pushing back again, no longer letting Felix lick so easily into his mouth. His tongue flicks over Felix’s lip and then he starts kissing along his cheek, down to his jaw, to his neck.
With a thunk, Felix’s head hits the wall, neck bared for Chris. The kisses are hot and wet and Felix becomes acutely aware of his own heavy breathing, especially when he whines at the feeling of Chris sucking what will surely be a mark under his ear.
Really, it’s only fair that Chris bites his ear after. Payback, maybe. Either way, Felix likes it, and he yanks Chris back up and in by his hair, kissing him harder, arching off the wall into the solidness of his body. He’s sensitive, he knows he is, and he feels so undeniably safe like this, so it’s no surprise that he can feel arousal pooling in his gut. His dick is already starting to strain in his jeans.
“Fuck, Lix,” Chris rasps against his lips, so Felix can taste the shape of the words. He sounds like he’s straight out of the wet dreams Felix will forever deny having. “Should we—should we slow down?”
“No,” Felix answers quickly. Chris’s pupils are dilated and his lips are slick. “No, I mean, unless you want to,” he amends. “We can if you want to take things slower, but I’m—I don’t need to. I meant it when I said I want you. I want this. I feel like I’m going crazy and—and I really want you.”
“Okay. Okay, yeah,” Chris breathes.
“And, I mean, I should point out that we are already married,” Felix says, with a teasing lilt to his voice. He’s so relieved, so happy, he’s not sure if he has a filter left. But he’s also a little nervous, and joking always helps. “So it’s all very good and Catholic.”
Chris snorts. “Oh yeah, I’m sure it is.”
“I’ll let you take my virginity,” Felix continues, pulling at a curl that’s gone rouge against Chris’s forehead. “Been saving myself for marriage and all that.”
“You’re so full of shit,” Chris says, laughing when he goes in to kiss Felix again. It’s gentle this time, a little lazier.
Except, Chris slides his hands down, just above Felix’s ass, and he’s not sure how to kick Chris into the right gear without explicitly saying what he wants to happen here. Instead, he ends up laughing again, and Chris pulls back, looking a little confused and a lot endeared.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Felix says.
“Yeah? Me neither. Do you know how long I’ve been pining?”
“Mm. I could guess.”
“Please don’t. It’s embarrassing. And you know, I don’t care if I’m not your first. I just, um, I just want to be your last,” Chris says, his ears turning their signature shade of pink.
“Oh my god,” Felix groans. “You are such a loser.” A kiss, sloppy, uncoordinated. “You’re so fucking hot.”
Chris makes a sound, something between a whine and a moan maybe, and then he’s shifting. His hands slide down, down, over his ass and then lower, and he bends, and in one swift movement, he’s lifting Felix by the back of his thighs and holding him there when his legs wrap around Chris’s waist. Felix clings, and Chris steps away from the wall while Felix makes it his mission to kiss every available inch of Chris’s neck that he has access to.
Chris has picked him up before, carried him, mostly joking, or sometimes to bed if Felix fell asleep gaming on the couch. Never like this. Never with Felix’s definitely half-hard cock pressed against his abdomen and the promise of more making their hearts beat too fast.
They may be the same height, but Chris is bigger, stronger, and Felix would be lying if he said that wasn’t a turn on.
“Chris,” he gasps into his neck. “Chris—”
“Yeah. Yeah, baby, I know.”
Felix bites, Chris grunts. He kicks a door open and the blue-pink-purple lighting tells Felix it’s Chris’s room. He expects to be thrown on the bed—he wants to be thrown on the bed—but instead Chris lowers him until he’s standing again. Hands back under his shirt, up and up and then his shirt is gone, flung somewhere into the abyss of bisexual lighting.
Chris has seen him shirtless thousands of times before. Just not in this context. And the way he’s looking at him now is different. Now, Chris knows he can look. He’s allowed. He doesn’t have to hold back.
Neither do I, Felix reminds himself. He’s quick to tug Chris’s sweatshirt off too, the familiar expanse of his skin a welcome sight. It’s easier to look at him than to be looked at by him. Chris is perfect. He looks like a sculpture, all hard lines and soft edges and smooth marble. The worst part is, he doesn’t even realize how perfect he is.
Felix could spend hours worshiping every bit of Chris, and maybe one day he will, but right now, he’s feeling a little bit too feral for that. He’s about two seconds from dropping to his knees. The only thing that’s stopping him is the fact that Chris looking at him so intensely it’s got him frozen.
“I’m nervous,” Felix admits. This is meaningful. It’s not sex with a stranger. Tomorrow, they’ll wake up together, and this will continue. This thing between them.
“That’s okay. Me too.”
Chris’s fingers skim down Felix’s chest, stopping to thumb over his nipples, down where he’s flexing his abs, to the thin line of hair that disappears into his too-tight jeans.
And just when he’s about to gather the courage to get on his knees and beg, Chris beats him to it. The air wheezes out of him when Chris sinks down in front of him, looking up at him with those pretty, pretty brown eyes. There’s a barely noticeable smudge of eyeliner, or mascara, under his eyes, and his fingers are making quick work of Felix’s jeans.
“Can I suck your dick?” Chris asks, and Felix has to bite back the truly unhinged sound that bubbles up in his chest. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this—I’ve thought about it and—if it’s okay—”
“I want it too, Chris, I told you. Do whatever you want to me. Fuck, I don’t even care, just—you can fucking ruin me. I just—I thought about you too. And I felt so guilty, but now I guess I don’t have to. Thought about—about your lips around my cock. Has anyone ever told you that your lips are perfect for sucking dick? Because I think they are,” Felix rambles, so focused on the look in Chris’s eyes, something darker than he’s used to seeing, that he doesn’t realize he’s tangled his fingers back into Chris’s hair.
Fuck. This is happening. Really, actually, happening.
And Chris is tugging down his jeans, and Felix is kicking them aside. Chris is kissing below his belly button, wet with tongue. His fingers on thighs, squeezing, and then moving around and finally, finally, grabbing his ass. Felix rocks closer, but he looks up at the ceiling, squeezes his eyes shut.
Felix has lost count of how many people have seen him naked. Which should, maybe, be concerning, but that doesn’t really matter now. And honestly, he’s not ashamed of it. He’s just, well, never cared what those people thought. The only person he wants to impress is here, now, sucking a mark on his inner thigh and grazing his hand closer and closer to where Felix is filling out in his boxer-briefs.
“You’re so gorgeous Lix,” Chris murmurs. “I can’t believe I get to have you.”
“You’ve always had me.”
“Ah, who’s a loser now?” Chris asks, lips turning up into a little smirk.
Felix rolls his eyes, but Chris decides this is the perfect moment to fit his hand over the bulge in his underwear. Felix’s hips stutter slightly and he bites his lip harder. He’s about to be naked in front of his best friend. He’s hard right now, because of his best friend. Butterflies erupt in his stomach, but they’re not all bad.
Truthfully, he doesn’t know all that much about Chris’s sex life. He’s not a prude, and Felix has heard some stories here and there, but Chris never told him everything when it came to the subject of sex. Clearly, he must like sucking dick, if his eagerness to get on his knees is any indication.
Honestly it adds up, with how much Chris likes putting others before himself. Makes sense that he would be into giving oral.
“Can I take these off now?” Chris asks. He’s rubbing over the wet patch that’s starting to form, and Felix feels hot all over. He’s sensitive, wound up, buzzing. All he can do is nod, because even though he’s freaking out a little bit at the idea of Chris seeing his dick, he also knows he’ll be okay. Because it is Chris. And he’d never do anything to hurt Felix.
Well, unless he gets his underwear off and decides this was all a horrible mistake. Maybe he won’t like the way he looks, somehow. Maybe he’s used to his partners being something else. Maybe, even if it isn’t for Felix, it’ll be weird for Chris.
The butterflies turn into bees, but his briefs are down, dragging over his thighs and then pooling at his ankles, and okay, there he is. Twitching in front of Chris’s face. He steps out of his underwear and swallows the spit welling in his mouth. His hand that isn’t tangled in Chris’s hair is shaking.
But Chris is staring at him, lips parted and shiny, tongue darting out to wet them further. He looks nearly entranced, but it’s a little bit intense.
“Sorry, um,” he begins, “I didn’t bother shaving earlier and, I know I’m not, like, hung or anything. Solidly average, ya know, mate, and. Yeah. Sorry. You don’t have to if—”
“You still want me to?”
“Well, yeah, obviously, but—”
Chris rises on his knees slightly, smiles up at Felix, so blinding and sweet, and then he’s wrapping his lips around the head of his cock, sliding down in one slick, smooth slide. Felix curses, tightens his hold on Chris’s hair. Chris hums around him, and he’s truly not wasting any time. He starts bobbing his head and sucking. His cheeks hollow and he sucks hard, wet and fast and experienced and Felix is pretty sure he’s going to get whiplash.
Chris is so—
Chris is so hot.
Of course he’d be good at sucking cock. Of course he’d enjoy it this much, and it’s obvious he does, which only makes it hotter. He’s gripping Felix by the hips and then grabbing the base of his cock so he can give attention to the head, licking sloppy circles and rubbing it against his tongue before he starts mouthing down the shaft and sucking Felix’s balls into his mouth.
Felix moans some garbled version of Chris’s name and forces himself to watch even though he’s still trembling.
Seriously, it should be weird, right? It’s weird that it’s not weird. Weird that his childhood best friend sucking his dick feels so normal and so mind blowing at the same time. It’s clearly not weird for Chris. In fact, he seems like he’s been waiting for this opportunity since forever. And, well, maybe he has.
“You’re leaking, baby,” Chris says, ripping Felix right out of his own head. “So fuckin’ wet.”
He’s never heard Chris talk like this. Never heard his voice sound like this. It makes his knees weak. Makes precum bead heavier, just for Chris to lick it away.
“Yeah, well,” Felix manages, his own voice sounding just as wrecked. “I’m sensitive.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re good at this.”
“I like it. You taste good. I like your cock in my mouth. Made for it. Made for me.”
He licks from base to tip. Spits on the head, smears it down the shaft and starts sucking again, the sound of it absolutely obscene in the quiet bedroom. But Felix likes it this way. He likes it messy and gross and weird and he hopes Chris does too.
Seems like he does, with how enthusiastic he is. His cheeks are hollowed and his tongue is insistent. There’s drool slipping from between his lips, smeared onto his chin when he pulls off slightly, before getting right back to it. Felix’s knees feel weak, and he’s pretty sure he’s shaking.
When he feels Chris drag his tongue through the slit, he notices Chris is palming himself through the jeans he’s still wearing. That, and the arousal that’s building tight and fast in his own gut, peaks suddenly. He whimpers, and yanks hard on Chris’s hair, pulling him off his cock with a loud pop. His cock smacks back against his skin and Chris groans, licks his lips.
“What’s wrong?”
“I was gonna cum.”
“Oh. That’s alright. I wouldn’t mind.”
“No, I mean, I don’t want to yet. Well, I probably could more than once, but I wanna fuck.”
“Oh.” Chris’s eyes flicker from his face, back to his dick, and Felix pets some of his hair off his forehead. It’s a little damp with sweat now, and his skin has a slight sheen to it. When he stands up, his knees crack and Felix laughs.
“Getting too old for that?”
“Fuck you,” Chris bites back, kisses him, tugs him towards the bed. He falls back first and Felix is quick to straddle him before he unbuttons the black jeans that are currently Enemy Number One.
“You’re wearing too many clothes,” Felix says decidedly. “I think it’s only fair that I get to see the goods.”
“You’ve seen me naked.”
“Not really. Not everything. Although, if you wanna do a little spin for me you can,” Felix says. He’s breathless and shoving his hand down into Chris’s open jeans. Chris’s breath stutters too, and his arms circle Felix’s waist. He starts kissing his neck again, sucking and biting and hopefully leaving marks. “I hope you know I will be staring at your ass without shame now,” Felix adds.
“You and your obsession with my ass…”
“It’s not my fault you have a fat ass, Chris. I’m just appreciating the obvious.”
“I hate you.”
“No you don’t.” Felix grabs his dick through his underwear, squeezes. “Fuck, you feel big. Hyunjin said you were hung.”
“I—did he? Oh my god. What else did he say? No, actually I don’t wanna know,” Chris shakes his head. His hands smooth over Felix’s back, up between his shoulder blades and then down before he decides to fit his hands over Felix’s ass. It’s very unfair that he’s still the only one naked and he squeezes around Chris’s dick again. “Let’s—Let’s not talk about exes if I’m gonna fuck you,” Chris says.
Felix raises an eyebrow, leans back in Chris’s lap even though he’s getting distracted by the feeling of Chris kneading his ass. “Bold of you assume I’m bottoming, Christopher,” Felix says, and he places a hand on Chris’s chest and pushes him back until he’s laying down. He’s found his confidence again at least. Probably in the space between how easy this is and how hot Chris looks. Felix kisses his neck, down to his chest, and stops when his mouth rests above Chris’s nipple.
“Oh,” Chris says, eyes a little wild. “Are you—no, I mean, I don’t mean to assume anything. If you—I’ve just always usually topped but that doesn’t mean we have to do it that way, I’m open to, um, trying new things, but I—”
“Relax, I’m just messing with you. You are absolutely fucking me. Although, please don’t tell me you’ve never bottomed before?”
“Um. Well, I tried before. When I first started, um, experimenting with guys and stuff? But they weren’t exactly all that willing to be patient with me? So, it didn’t feel great. I like, uh, you know, fingering. That’s great. But my partners in the past have usually just wanted…you know,” Chris explains. And then, “But, for the record, I would really like to do that with you. Sometime.”
“Oh,” Felix leans down, bites Chris’s lower lip. Tries not to get too distracted by the mental image of Chris spread out on this very bed, fingering himself. “I’m gonna fuck you so good one day, babe.”
Chris surges up, a sloppy and uncoordinated kiss that’s mostly Chris whining into Felix’s mouth. Felix grinds down, the rough drag of Chris’s jeans over his dick not exactly comfortable, but it still makes him shudder. And Chris is handsy now, dragging nails down his back and into the long strands of his blond hair. He grabs his ass, squeezes hard, and Felix kisses his way to Chris’s shoulder and bites.
“Of course you’d be a biter.”
“I think you were counting on it,” Felix teases, and kisses and bites and licks his way back to Chris’s nipple. Call it a hunch, but he has a feeling Chris is sensitive here. Considering he pushes Felix’s face down and his hips rise off the mattress, Felix is probably right. He sucks, kneads the flesh of Chris’s other pec in his hand, until Chris is panting under him.
When he leans back, Chris is flushed red all the way down his chest. He’s gorgeous. Sometimes he doesn’t feel real. How can someone be so perfect? Dimples and washboard abs and curly hair and hardworking and sweet and puts everyone else before himself. And he likes to suck dick. He can’t be real.
But he is.
Felix has twenty-seven years worth of memories to prove it.
“Lix, as much as I love foreplay and you and just—all this. These jeans are getting a little uncomfortable,” Chris says with a wonky little grin.
“Why the fuck are you still wearing them? Get them off and get your dick in me, idiot,” Felix says. “I’m clean, which maybe should have mentioned before you were sucking my dick like a popsicle, but oh well. And I prepped and stuff earlier when I took a shower since—”
“Since you thought you were gonna fuck someone else?” Chris asks.
And if he weren’t still smiling, Felix might think he was mad. His eyes get dark again, and it’s a little insane how he does that, switches from bright and beautiful to dark and the epitome of sex.
“Yeah,” Felix answers with a smirk. “You should show me who I belong to.”
Maybe too much. But he wants to be Chris’s. He is, already. Always has been.
Chris looks at him for a long moment, and then he sits up, circles Felix’s waist, and flips them. Felix’s back hits the mattress and he grunts, but Chris is sitting back between his legs and shoving his jeans down, shifting to get them off his legs. Spit wells in Felix’s mouth and he follows the hard lines of Chris’s muscles and the very obvious bulge in his underwear.
“Lube is in my drawer there,” Chris says, sounding all-business. “Condoms too.”
Felix rolls over quickly, crawling on all fours up the bed a little to open the drawer and grab a bottle of lube that’s stashed at the back. He’s seen it there before, it’s not the first time he’s opened Chris’s bedside drawers, after all. But again, he’s trying not to get distracted by mental images of Chris touching himself.
“No condom,” Felix says, tossing the lube in Chris’s general direction. “Fuck me raw. I—I’ve never gotten to do it and I wanna feel you. Besides, we’re married and I want my husband to cum in my ass.”
“Jesus, Lix.”
“Make me yours.”
“Yeah?”
Felix shuffles back, and he’s about to roll over, but Chris grabs him by the hips and pulls him back, easy like he weighs nothing. His arms skid on the sheets and Chris maneuvers him face down, ass up. Presses a hand right at Felix’s neck to keep his head down. It’s gentle enough that he could resist, but firm enough to make his cock twitch. Good for Chris, Felix likes it like this, and he shimmies closer still, finds his bearings enough to rise to his elbows slightly and look over his shoulder.
He grins when Chris leans over his back and kisses him, licks into his mouth. It makes his back arch enough that it burns a little, and he can feel Chris’s erection, still trapped in his damn underwear, pressing against his ass.
“Yeah. Fuck me, Chris, c’mon,” Felix says into his mouth. “Fuck me, make love to me, whatever you wanna call it, just get on with it.”
“Oi, be patient,” Chris says, with a light slap to Felix’s ass. Felix groans.
“You can do that too,” he says, and Chris pops the cap on the lube and squeezes a generous amount on his fingers.
“Do what?”
“Slap my ass.”
“Yeah? Really?”
Felix smiles one of his little gremlin smiles. The butterflies are back, just a few of them, because Chris is spreading his ass and okay, it’s a lot. So maybe that’s why Felix wiggles around and adds his best gremlin voice to his gremlin smile and says, “Yes, Daddy.”
And if Chris freezes for just a split second, a whispered curse leaving his lips, then Felix decides to file that information away for later.
For now, he glances over his shoulder and sees that Chris is still wearing one garment too many. And he’s just kind of kneeling there, staring at Felix’s asshole like he’s never done this before.
“I’ll kick you in the balls if you don’t take your underwear off,” Felix says, and Chris blinks.
“Sorry. You’re just. Really pretty. I’m so obsessed with you. You’re such a weirdo and you’re so hot and I don’t—sometimes I can’t even think when I’m with you.”
“No think, just do.”
Chris meets his gaze, and then sits up taller behind him. “Okay.”
He pushes Felix’s head down again, and if it were anyone else, Felix would probably be a little bit irritated. But it’s not anyone, it’s Chris, and it makes him leak onto the sheets instead. Nothing could ever compare to this, he thinks.
Even though he wants to see, crane his neck again, he keeps his head down even when he hears the shuffle of Chris removing his underwear, finally. Mostly because Chris’s lubed up fingers are sliding between his cheeks, up from his balls until they drag over his hole. Felix’s heart beats fast in his chest. Maybe he should be more embarrassed, but that’s gone now. Instead, he’s spreading his legs further apart and arching his back and waiting.
“Can’t believe we’re doing this,” Felix breathes. “You’re so—oh fuck. Oh my god.”
Two fingers slide into him, slow and wet with too much lube, and Felix tenses up before he manages to relax again, fingers gripping the sheets.
“Yeah, baby,” Chris says behind him. “Doesn’t feel like the first time. Feels like—like you were made for me. God, Felix, you’re so fuckin’ tight. You look so good on my fingers.”
“Love you,” Felix mumbles. “I’ll be tighter and look better around your cock, if you’d hurry.”
“Stop squirming.”
Another smack to his ass makes him jolt, but he lets Chris work, his fingers stretching him open and prodding inside him until he finds his prostate. It doesn’t feel like Chris is actually having a hard time finding it, but rather is enjoying teasing him. It makes Felix feel like he might cum too early when he does press his fingers there, but he doesn’t tell Chris to stop. Apparently, Chris is a little too in tune to what he’s feeling, because he angles his fingers away and rubs his thumb along Felix’s rim in a way that's definitely teasing. And he’s definitely enjoying this too, the little shit. Felix presses back, moans Chris’s name.
“Are you gonna fuck me or fondle my asshole all night?”
“Dunno. Your hole is pretty cute, bro.” Chris pulls his fingers nearly all the way out, then fucks them back in. He leans down, kisses Felix on the ass, then bites there.
“You’re gross.”
“Am I?” Chris is laughing. Felix hates him. He’s such a dork. Felix loves him.
“I’m about to turn around and bite your dick off.”
“Ohh,” Chris giggles, and his fingers slide out. “I dunno. Can you fit it all in your mouth?”
Oh. Is that a challenge? Felix looks over his shoulder before Chris can press him down again, but he doesn’t look like he has any intention of doing so. Felix looks from his face, all smiles and red cheeks, down the all his smooth, pale skin until he reaches his cock. He’s jerking himself off, well, slicking himself up with lube, but Jesus Christ.
Hyunjin wasn’t wrong.
Chris is definitely hung.
The head of his dick is redder than even his face is, and Felix would bet that if he did take him in his mouth right now, he’d be able to feel him throb against his tongue. The universe really didn’t have to bless Chris with all his other perfect attributes and with a big dick, but it did. And now Felix gets to have him.
“Holy shit. That’s just indecent.”
“Oh. Thanks? Definitely haven’t heard that one before,” Chris says. He shuffles forward on his knees and Felix has to look away, even though he doesn’t want to.
“You’re so hot. I’m so hard and you’re so big and I want—I wanna—god, split me open. Just—put it in.”
He pushes back again and Chris grunts, tries to hold him still with one hand.
“You sure? You want it? Can’t go back from this.”
Felix’s stomach swoops. Not from nerves this time. “Don’t wanna go back. Fuck me.”
“Okay, okay. So bossy.”
The head of his dick rubs over Felix’s hole, he feels it, feels Chris circle his rim and then press against him, enough to get him to start opening up around him, before he pulls back again. Such a tease. He does it again, stretches Felix right around the head of his cock and then pulls out. Felix makes a sound, something like a growl, deep and guttural and so, so wound up. He thinks his own dick might burst if Chris doesn’t get on with it.
Luckily, he does, the head of his cock popping past Felix’s rim. Chris moans, and presses in more, and more, agonizingly slow, until his hips are flush to Felix’s ass and the front of his thighs touch the back of Felix’s. It’s a lot, not just because Chris is big. It’s not like Felix has never fucked someone with a big dick before. But it’s different now. There’s weight to it that has nothing to do with size or skill.
“You feel so good. Take it so good,” Chris mumbles. “I just—sometimes I can’t last all that long. Don’t know if I can. I’m—this is a lot. I’ve wanted this for so long.”
“Just give it to me, then,” Felix says seriously. “You don't have to try to impress me. I’ll like anything. Just fuck me. If I have to keep begging for it I’m gonna start biting and I’m serious about your dick being the first thing I’ll get my mouth on.”
“Alright, alright. Enough talk about erotic dick biting.”
Felix would laugh again, he’s never laughed this much during sex, but Chris pulls back and the slick slide of his cock shuts Felix right the fuck up. All he can do is make an array of debauched sounds when Chris snaps forward and fucks back into him. He isn’t rough, but he’s not all that gentle either. It’s a promise of what they could do, later, of how he could make Felix feel it for days. He already will, just from this, he’s sure. The stretch of Chris’s cock is a lot, but he likes it.
Their skin slaps together and Felix closes his eyes, buries his face in the sheets and tries to work himself back in time with Chris’s thrusts. He feels Chris’s thumb at his rim again, rubbing where he’s stretched around his cock. They must be a sight. This probably isn’t how you’re supposed to have sex right after getting married, but they’ve never done things the way you’re supposed to.
“Harder,” Felix moans. Chris doesn’t answer right away. He grips Felix by the hips to still him, and then reaches for one of his arms and bends it behind him, holding it at the small of his back. And then Felix hears, feels, Chris spit on him, right at his hole where he can fuck it into him. He snaps his hips forward harder, finally, and lands a sharp slap to Felix’s ass with his free hand.
Felix curses, goes to reach for his own cock, but he feels unsteady and apparently Chris isn’t ready for it to be over because he tugs at Felix’s hair until he’s forced up onto his knees.
Chris lets go of his hand, so Felix grabs the shelving that acts as the headboard on Chris’s bed. There’s a hand on his chest, holding him close, and Chris is kissing his neck, licking a fat stripe up from his shoulder to his ear. He nips at the shell of his ear, tongue curling around it after. Maybe he’s appreciating the freckles there. He always did like them. Felix shudders.
There’s sweat dripping from Felix’s hairline and Chris’s chest feels sweaty against his back, but it’s so good. He can’t breathe and he can’t think and it’s so good. He must say as much because Chris hums between grinding into him.
“Yeah?” he asks. “You like that?”
Felix gasps, sucks in a sharp breath of air. “Yeah,” he answers. “Yeah, please. Please, Chris.”
The hand on his chest slides down to his stomach. It’s unrealistic, Chris isn’t that big, but he likes to imagine Chris can feel himself there, as he fucks into him.
“You’re so good, so good for me.”
“Make me cum,” Felix bites out. “Wanna cum on your cock, please.”
Chris grunts, uses one hand to take Felix by his throat and turn his head so they can kiss. The angle is awful and it’s more swapping spit than anything, but it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to Felix. He’d gladly swap more spit. He tries, sucking on Chris’s tongue and letting a string of spit stretch between them when he pulls away. It breaks, down across Chris’s chin and Felix cranes his neck to lick him.
“Filthy,” Chris grunts out.
“Yeah. Yeah, c’mon.”
He tries to move Chris’s hand, guide it down to his dick, but Chris isn’t cooperating. He squeezes Felix’s hand, kisses him, licks along the roof of his mouth, and then leans back again.
“Turn around for me, baby.”
He slides out and Felix would gripe at him if he weren’t absolutely wrecked and desperate already. So instead, he turns around and flops onto his back, spreads his legs and attempts to get his hair out of his face so he can see. When he does, Chris is staring down at him with what can only be described as awe. Slack-jawed and everything. He’s gripping the base of his cock, as if to stave off an orgasm, and he’s shiny with lube and sweat and he’s the most beautiful person Felix has ever seen.
He fumbles for the bottle of lube, squeezes an indecent amount onto his indecent cock, and then another glob above Felix’s hole. He watches it slide, and Felix can feel it, wet over where he’s sure he’s gaping.
Seemingly remembering Felix’s threats of biting and kicking, Chris quickly shakes his head and drapes himself back over Felix, guiding his dick back into him slowly. Felix bends his legs, grabs the back of his thighs and holds himself open, makes space for him. But the space has always been there, carved out in his chest and waiting for Chris to fill it.
“Shit.” Chris bottoms out again, forehead against forehead. “Did I mention that I love you?”
“Mm,” Felix hums. “I can’t remember? Maybe you should say it again.”
“I love you,” Chris says easily. “So much.”
“Me too. Love you too,” Felix says. He nudges Chris’s ass with his feet, urging him to move. Luckily he does, sharp rolls of his hips with his body pressed close. “Love this too. Feels so good. Love your cock and your arms, god your arms are so sexy, and—and your lips and—” And everything else, but forming a coherent thought is getting difficult.
The arms in question flex, as Chris rises and grabs one of Felix’s hands to pin it to the bed beside his head. Their fingers intertwine and Chris kisses him, sucks on his tongue, fucks into him a little harder. Felix tries to rock back against it and grind up to get some friction on his neglected cock, but he’s started to tremble and he’s pretty sure Chris might be able to make him cum untouched.
“Close, baby boy?” Chris asks. His breath is hot and his skin is scorching and Felix digs his nails from his free hand into Chris’s shoulder.
“Been close.”
“I wanna see you cum,” Chris says decidedly. He sits back slightly, bends Felix’s legs tighter up against his chest, and fucks him harder. There’s a wet squelch of lube that makes Felix feel dirty, exposed. And he is exposed like this, Chris can see everything, the slide of his cock into Felix and how his cock leaks and twitches and his chest rises and falls.
When Chris wraps a hand around him, Felix doesn’t bother telling him he doesn’t need it. Words are too complicated now and he’s too wound up, balancing at the edge and ready to fall over it. It doesn’t take much, just a few more thrusts at the right angle, because Chris knows his body too well already apparently, and his hand, rough from the gym, twisting around the sensitive head of Felix’s cock.
“Come on baby,” Chris rasps. His voice sounds strained. He’s close too. “Come on, Felix. Show me how pretty you look when you cum on my cock.”
And so he does, back arched as he scrunches his eyes shut and grabs for any part of Chris that he can reach. Whatever sound he makes is drowned out by his ears ringing and Chris speeding up, skin slapping and wetness blurring his vision. Hot streaks of cum splatter over his searing skin, more than he feels like should be possible. No one else has made him feel like this. Not just because it’s a mind blowing orgasm, which it is, but it’s something beyond that. He twitches and writhes until he’s spent, sure there’s cum all over his stomach and Chris’s hand.
When he opens his eyes, Chris looks devastating.
“Keep going. Fill me up,” he demands, grabbing Chris’s wrist and bringing his fingers into his mouth. He sucks his own release from them, and then Chris holds him down, the pace relentless and perfect even if he’s sensitive now, bordering on a pleasant sort of painful.
“Gonna—oh fuck I’m—”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m yours Chris, fucking give it to me,” Felix babbles. “Wanna be full of your cum all the time just keep me on your dick it feels so good you can have me all the time however you want we wasted so much time I just need you so bad fucking fill me up Chris.”
“Fuck, you’re insane,” Chris grunts, and his hips stutter and he fucks into Felix once, twice more, hard enough so Felix knows for sure now that he’ll feel it tomorrow. Now, he feels Chris shudder and he can’t really feel him cum inside, but he knows he has, and that's definitely enough.
Sweat drips from Chris’s jaw down onto Felix’s chest and he lets Chris lazily grind into him a few more times while he rides it out, before he drags Chris down into an equally lazy kiss.
They’re a mess, and Felix is trembling now, but he doesn’t want this to be over quite yet, even if now they have a promise of more. This isn’t a one night stand, after all. He’ll see Chris tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. Forever. Forever doesn’t seem so daunting with Chris.
“I should have known you were a freak,” Chris says against his lips.
Felix smacks his chest. “I’m very proud of being a freak, thank you very much.”
“No, no, I like it,” Chris smiles, kisses his cheek, so soft and gentle compared to everything they just did. “Always liked that you were a little weird. Well, a lot weird.”
“Uh huh. Says the thirty year old who still begs me to play Pokémon Go with him and is still emailing to try and get his League of Legends account back. I know you cried over that at least three times.”
“Sue me for having hobbies.”
“Mhm. You’re a nerd.”
“You’re a nerd.”
Felix smiles, and Chris dissolves into giggles, hiding in Felix’s neck.
“I love bickering with you while your dick is going soft in me,” Felix points out, wiggling a little, clenching down around Chris. “Unless this turns you on and you wanna go again. In which case I am at your service.”
“No way. I can’t get it back up that fast, dude, you’d have to give me a second. Besides, I have a cramp in my leg.” Chris kisses him once before sitting back and pulling out slowly. Felix winces, clenches down around nothing this time. “I’ll get a towel. We’re gonna need to change the sheets.”
“Yeah, I’m making a mess,” Felix groans. Chris looks at him and Felix sticks his tongue out. “You should help me with that.”
“Well, I was gonna get a towel.”
Felix raises a leg. “Well at least look at what you did to me first.”
“Oh. Oh.” Chris’s eyes flicker down, wide and a little surprised that Felix is this shameless suddenly. And he is, he’s already said a bunch of gross, weird shit that he would deny if it were anyone else besides Chris.
Since it is Chris, he lets him trail a hand down the back of his thigh and down his perineum until he’s dragging a finger through the cum spilling from his hole. He can feel it, wet and sticky with lube. Chris doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even make a sound, just presses two fingers through the mess and then back into Felix. He’s not hard again, maybe he could get there, he twitches with interest for sure, but it feels nice either way. Sure, he’s sensitive, but he’s always sensitive. And the way Chris looks at him feels nice. Intimate, even if it’s something undeniably filthy.
“Give me a kiss,” Felix demands.
It looks like it takes effort, but Chris tears his eyes away from where he’s playing with Felix’s rim, and pulls his fingers back out. They’re shiny, slick with cum. Felix eyes them, wants them in his mouth. His cock twitches again, still not really hard at all, but he feels remnants of arousal still pulsing through him.
“Do you want to…go again? I can’t yet, but I can make you cum again, if you want. Would be happy to, to be honest.”
“Nah. Tired. Just want—I don’t know. I guess I have a thing for creampies.” Felix wiggles his eyebrows. “Aren’t you lucky. C’mere. Kiss me.”
“Such a nerd,” Chris reiterates, and leans down to kiss Felix again. He licks sloppy and wet into Chris’s mouth before he finally lets Chris go so he can get them a towel.
Although, as soon as Chris stands, naked and stretching his arms over his head, Felix rolls onto his side and slaps him, hard, on the ass. Chris yelps, shoots a look over his shoulder.
“Sorry. I really wanted to do that.”
“Save it for later, then.”
“It’s late.”
“Tomorrow, then.”
“Is it too soon for me to admit I really wanna eat your ass?” Felix asks.
“Shut up and let me get a towel, stop distracting me with your horny thoughts.”
“Okay, I’ll tell you about it when you get back, then,” Felix assures him, lounging back on the soiled sheets and stretching out like a cat. “Hurry up.”
Chris does hurry. He comes back with a towel still naked and they get distracted with kissing while he tries to get rid of the lube and cum and spit and sweat. But that’s okay, he’s laughing, and Felix sucks a mark on his arm that Chris won’t be able to hide when he wears his tank tops to the gym. They don’t end up changing the sheets, instead they just kick off the comforter and curl up together under the remaining blankets.
Felix breathes him in, lips still grazing skin and legs tangled. It’s just like all the other times they’ve cuddled, only about ten times better.
“So,” Felix says, kissing Chris on the shoulder, and then next to a hickey he’s got on a chest, before he rests his head there instead. “How are you feeling, my dear husband?”
“Like I’m dreaming.”
“Me too.”
“I wanna write a song about it. I mean, I have written songs about you. I told myself they weren’t about you, but they were. But I wanna write new ones,” he says. “This feels unreal. You’re just—you’re my soulmate, Lix. I don’t care how that sounds. Everyday when we wake up, it just feels like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. With you.”
“Don’t make me cry,” Felix mumbles into his chest. “I already married you, you don’t have to convince me again. And, by the way, I’m not sure your K-pop groups would be able to sing your gay little songs about me.”
“I’ll sing them, then.”
“Okay. I’ll hold you to that.”
Chris hums. His hands brush through Felix’s hair and Felix closes his eyes, allowing himself to start to doze off. They probably have some things to talk about, but that’s okay. Maybe they don’t need to talk about anything. This feels right, and Felix has always acted on things that felt right. Like marrying his best friend because of a pact they made years ago.
He isn’t so good at planning or thinking about the future, but that’s okay too, because Chris is his future. No matter what else happens, they’re going to be together. That’s enough certainty for him. He’s sure it’s enough certainty for Chris, too.
“You know,” Felix says softly, eyes still closed, “I kept it. That napkin we wrote our marriage pact on. It’s in one of my comic books over there.” He points lazily towards his bookshelf.
“Yeah?”
“We should frame it. We could frame it with our marriage certificate or something,” Felix suggests, tracing lines against Chris’s chest. “And we could hang it in the house we’ll get together.”
“That’s cheesy.”
“Exactly. You love cheesy. You’re the king of cheesy. Look at our wedding rings.”
Chris laughs, soft and sleepy. Felix feels him kiss the top of his head, and squeeze him a little tighter.
“Hey Lix?” Chris whispers. Felix peels his eyes open. It’s dark, but the room is still basked in the neon glow. It paints Chris’s soft skin in the colors.
“Hm?”
“’Till death do us part?”
Felix smiles. “That’s too gloomy.”
“Just let me be emo for once.”
“I always let you be emo,” Felix argues, wrapping himself tighter around Chris. “As long as we both shall live, I’ll let you be emo. And cheesy. And a nerd. And I’ll love you. All that.”
“Yeah. All that.”
And so, so much more.
~
Bahng-Lee get-togethers are always quite the occasion. Since they don’t happen as often anymore, considering all the kids are grown now and everyone has conflicting schedules, they’re even more of an occasion. And it makes it even more meaningful when they are able to organize it all. Their parents hang out all the time, but it’s rare that all the kids, and sometimes even some extended family, all gather for a barbecue or dinner.
Today, it’s a barbecue. The weather is still warm enough, only cooling off a bit, and it’s a sunny day, so when Chris’s parents called and suggested they all meet at their house for the day, there really was only one answer. After all, Chris and Felix have been avoiding meeting up with their entire families for a while now, and it’s probably about time they come clean.
It’s been two months.
Two perfect, fairy-tale months. Felix doesn’t want it to end. And he doesn’t think it will if they tell their families, but that doesn’t mean he can’t have anxiety about it too.
“You look cute today,” Chris says, squeezing Felix’s hand as they make their way up to the porch. They can already hear voices spilling from the house and the backyard. More than likely, they’re the last to arrive.
Felix squeezes Chris’s hand in return before he drops it to adjust his shirt and fix his hair, half tied up since it’s gotten so long. But Chris likes it this way, and he’s gotten used to it, so he doesn’t want to cut it. “You do, too,” he answers. “I mean, you always look cute. Even though you always wear the same thing.”
“This is a different shirt! I just bought it!” Chris tugs at the hem of his black t-shirt. “See, the logo is different.”
“Uh huh, it’s very nice, babe.”
“Can you guys not be gross? You’re ruining my appetite.”
They turn around to face Hyunjin, who is trailing behind them on the steps up to the porch. He has his arms crossed and his sunglasses on, and he flashes them a teasing grin.
“You didn’t have to come,” Felix points out. “I warned you we’d be gross.”
“You’re always gross. Can we go in now? I’m sweating already.”
Chris shakes his head and opens the door, no need to knock, and calls out for his parents. Hyunjin is kicking off his shoes and propping his sunglasses on top of his head when Chris’s mom rounds the corner to greet them.
“Oh! Hyunjin! It’s so nice to see you!” She hugs him first, and then leans back to glance at Chris with a raised eyebrow. “Are you two…”
“Oh no,” Hyunjin shakes his head. “I’m just here for the food and for emotional support.”
“He was complaining that he missed Dad’s grilling more than he missed me, which is very rude, by the way,” Chris says, and Hyunjin smiles. “So we invited him along. It’s all good, we’re friends, Mom.”
“Oh. Well, okay then. You’re always welcome, Hyunjin.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Bahng. I’m seeing someone new now, so you don’t have to worry about me, either. I mean, he’s a cat-person, so you can worry about me a little bit. You know how serious I am about Kkami. But anyway, you know, I think it’s important to stay friends with my exes. Especially because Chris is loaded, but you didn’t hear that from me. Is Hannah here? I need to settle a bet with her.”
“No settling bets until later!” Chris calls, even as Hyunjin starts making his way through the house. “When did you even have time to make bets with my sister?”
Hyunjin just waves, and Chris sighs. Felix knows exactly what the bet is about. Somehow, Hyunjin managed to make a bet with Chris’s sister about how long it would take Chris and Felix to get together. Of course, Hyunjin already knows whether he’s won or not. Which, he has. And he’s looking to collect. And to eat food. The emotional support part probably won’t come into play.
Still, Felix is glad he’s here. He’s not sure what his parents will think, but if he can stay friends with Hyunjin, then surely everyone else will come around too.
“Well, it’s great to see you, too, Felix. Your family is already outside,” Chris’s mom says, and Felix gives her a hug too.
“I’ll go find them. See you in a bit?”
Chris nods, hand brushing his back before Felix slips away. They want to tell everyone together. So no PDA until after that. It’s not that they haven’t seen their families at all. But it’s easier to leave out the major life change of getting married when they aren’t together, or if he’s just grabbing brunch with his sister and not his entire family at the same time.
That, and it’s easier to avoid telling them when they weren’t even in the country.
Not long after their marriage became very much not-platonic, the two of them decided a honeymoon was in order, and they ended up going to Korea for nearly a month. It wasn’t all pleasure, Chris went to a lot of meetings and they spent time with Changbin and Jisung, but, well, a lot of pleasure was involved, too.
Now, though, it’s time to face real life again.
Once they face real life, they can focus on the rest of their lives. And that’s what Felix wants. He wants the family gatherings, and he wants to hold Chris’s hand and kiss his cheek, and he wants to grow old together and get a dog, and he wants their families to know about all of it.
He tries to remember what they rehearsed when he gets outside and sees his parents, but it goes out the window when Olivia runs over, nearly tackling him in a hug.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” she says.
“That’s because he ran off to Korea for a month,” Rachel points out, ruffling Felix’s hair. “We almost thought you were avoiding us, little bro.”
“No, of course not,” he protests. “There’s just been a lot going on.”
“Good things, we hope,” his mom says, also bringing him in for a hug. Lots of hugging today. It’s nice, it calms him down.
“Yeah. Lots of good things,” he admits, twisting one ring in particular, that they haven’t noticed amongst the others on his fingers. But he can’t tell them the best thing just yet, so instead he tells them all about the trip, all the places they saw and hanging out with Jisung and Changbin and how Chris got to introduce him to a few famous idols.
The first few hours are spent catching up with their families. Chris is occupied with his parents, and his siblings, and some extended family that has shown up, and they share glances across the backyard. Everyone is laughing and there’s music playing and some of Chris’s favorite younger cousins and his aunt and uncle show up for an hour or two while they all eat. People come and go, until it’s just the core of the family left.
Eventually, everyone starts talking about making their way inside for dessert, or drinks, or something, but that doesn’t quite happen as soon as the suggestion is made. Instead, Felix slips away to use the bathroom, and finally runs into Chris in the hallway.
The house is quiet with everyone outside, so Felix pulls Chris in by his belt loops.
“Hey there,” Chris says with a lopsided little grin. “Fancy meeting you here.”
“We should tell them now,” Felix says. “Before we all come inside.”
“Yeah. Hyunjin is probably gonna get wasted and Lucas is gonna start talking about all his doctor stuff and then we won’t be able to get a word in, yeah? So you’re right,” Chris agrees, draping his arms over Felix’s shoulders and leaning against the wall. “Do you think they’ll be surprised?”
“Nah. I mean, about the marriage part, maybe.”
“We could have another ceremony. Like, vow renewals? So they won’t feel left out.”
“I don’t think people do vow renewals after only two months.”
“Okay, true. Well, we can send them the blurry pictures Jisung took of us at the registry office then.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Chris laughs, fingers brushing over Felix’s cheek before he leans in to kiss him. Their noses bump and Felix smiles, so he’s smiling into the kiss and pressing closer. A kiss is never really just a kiss with them. Their friends have said it’s part of the honeymoon phase, but Felix is certain he’s never going to get tired of this. He’s had his whole life with Chris so far, and he hasn’t tired of him yet. He’s definitely not going to start now when he’s got the added benefits of kissing.
Chris’s hand cards through his hair, messing up his little ponytail, and Felix easily slips his fingers under the hem of Chris’s shirt. He’s always cutting them shorter, showing off skin whenever he raises his arms, and it makes for easy access when Felix wants his hands on him. He parts his lips when his hands meet muscle and Chris licks into his mouth, tongue swirling languidly around Felix’s before he pulls away.
“Probably shouldn’t make out in the hallway before we tell them,” Chris says, with a sigh that says he’d definitely like to continue making out in the hallway.
“You could sneak me up to your bedroom,” Felix suggests. “I heard you have lots of medals from swimming. I’d love to see them.”
“Oh yeah? That’s all you’d like to see?”
“Yep. I’m totally innocent, you didn’t know?” Felix grins, kisses Chris again, and then again, and then once on his nose.
“Unfortunately I don’t believe you. And it’s not even my bedroom anymore. Lucas took it and now I think my dad has put gym equipment in there,” Chris says. “But, maybe the medals are still there.”
“I wanna see the biggest one,” Felix continues. “I bet it’s heavy. Thick. Would feel really nice in my hand.”
“I’m going to have to start ranking your seduction techniques, because this is definitely one of the weirdest.”
“Is it working?”
“A little.”
Chris noses against his jaw, breathes him in. Felix knows he probably smells like sweat and sunscreen, but Chris doesn’t seem to mind all that much. He doesn’t seem in a hurry either, not to sneak away or to go back outside.
“Wanna know a fun fact?”
“Sure.”
“There was a study done that said the only body part that correlated with dick size is nose size,” Felix states, and Chris leans back from where he’s pressing lazy kisses against Felix’s neck to look at him.
“That…sure is a fact.”
“So, basically your nose-to-dick ratio makes sense. I saw it on a TikTok, so obviously it’s true.”
“Obviously.”
A pause.
“I’m nervous. To tell them. About everything. Well, not everything. You know what I mean,” Felix admits. He’s trying to get better at explaining his feelings. But that doesn’t mean he won’t deflect with fun facts about Chris’s nose beforehand.
Beyond the hallway, he can hear the back door opening and closing and a few voices filtering through the house. Everyone is making their way inside. They can hear Hyunjin laughing, his loud cackle unmistakable even over the sound of Lucas and Hannah arguing over who gets the leftover food tomorrow.
“It’ll be okay, yeah?” Chris assures him, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Our families already love each other, right? So, I mean, there’s really no reason for them to be upset. Or surprised. I’ve loved you since…always. I think my parents already know that.”
“But they probably think I’m…not husband material.”
“I think you’re husband material.”
“You also thought I was husband material when I was twenty-one proposing a marriage pact while I was drunk and had pizza on my face,” Felix points out.
Chris smiles, thumbs dancing over freckles again, brushing strands of blond hair out of Felix’s eyes. “I did. And I was right, wasn’t I? Look how it turned out.”
Okay, he does have a point.
Felix sighs and tips forward, leaning against Chris’s shoulder and taking a deep breath. “Fine. Yeah. You’re right. Everything will be good.”
So with that, trembling only a little bit, Chris takes his hand. “We got this,” he says, and he sounds so sure, so confident. Felix may be nervous, but he is sure, too. Confident that they’ve made the right choices, because those choices have led them here, together.
“We got this,” he repeats.
Chris gives his hand another reassuring squeeze, and kisses his cheek, and then they make their way back into the dining room where everyone has gathered. The extended family, friends, and neighbors that have filtered in and out of the party throughout the day have all left now, so it’s just the most important people left.
Felix’s mom is bringing ice cream out to the table, and she looks up when they walk in.
“Where’d you two disappear to?” she asks.
“We weren’t gone that long,” Felix says, giving Chris a shy smile.
“Hey, are you guys holding hands?” Hannah asks loudly, and Hyunjin gasps dramatically, clearly an act. But everyone gets quiet anyway and all eyes are on them. Chris’s ears have turned red, but he’s smiling and he reaches so he’s holding Felix’s hand in both of his.
“Um. Yeah, we actually have something we wanted to tell everyone,” Chris says.
Felix looks at him, instead of all the eyes on them. It’s easier that way. Everything else fades away when he looks at Chris, listens to his voice and the shape of the words on his lips. A pinpoint of calm, no matter what chaos might be around them. It’s two of them against the world, just like it always has been. So, yeah, they got this.
Together.