Chapter Text
One step forward, two steps back.
“Inhale deep for six, and exhale for six.”
Maya took a deep breath, her hand fixated on the station’s front door. She counted from one to six as she blew the air out from her mouth. It was a calming pattern she kept on practicing ever since her sessions with Dr. Lewis, and she did this every time, before stepping foot inside the firehouse. As soon as she was lifted off the boring desk duties and was finally allowed to join in calls, she felt a renewed surge of positive energy when reporting for work. It was something that went unknown to her for quite some time. The satisfaction of feeling useful made it easier for her to get up every morning. Needless to say, she has started looking forward to going to work again in comparison to when she was only allowed to answer phone calls at the front desk.
However, today she was extra excited- and for an entirely different reason. A reason that may or may not include a certain doctor- an Italian doctor, to be specific. It was a clinic day at the station, which means she may or may not see one Carina DeLuca, obviously depending on how busy the day would entail. And she also may or may not get to talk and smile and, If I’m lucky, touch Carina. All of which of course depended on whether her wife would be able to stand her today.
When Maya promised her wife that she would put in all the work to get better, she had meant it. And when she vowed to make it up to Carina and fix their marriage, she meant them more than anything else in the world. However, she couldn’t help but feel that she and her wife have found themselves stuck in a limbo of “one step forward, two steps back” situation- one where she couldn’t seem to break no matter how hard she tried.
She doesn’t fear a lot of things. Her mind was programmed to face things head on. Eyes forward. Embrace the pain. That is until she met Carina, and her own blue eyes casted only on hazel ones. Eyes only on me, Bambina. She allowed herself to feel, to love, and with that came fear. So now truth be told, she feared the unpredictability of what future lies ahead in terms of her relationship with the doctor. She felt terrified of Carina’s unpredictability. They would go on dates, flirt a little, share soft tiny kisses. They’d have sweet moments like those that at some point she was sure they were actually moving forward, but then the next thing her wife would shut her out- pull away from her, even refusing to look at her. She had lost count of how many times she had been told “I can’t be near you right now, it’s too much.”
But Maya understood. And she didn’t push. She would give Carina the space she had asked for- big or small, near or far. She had agreed to move at her wife’s pace and she would honor it. She owed it to her, however confusing and frustrating it may be.
It’s funny that ever since Carina asked her to slowly win her back, how her day goes majorly depended on the Italian’s mood.
“Sono così felice!”(I’m so happy!) Maya heard Carina squeal from the garage.
She looked over the glass window while walking towards the stairs and saw her wife on the phone, animatedly talking to someone, while setting the clinic up with Vic and Ben. Carina was smiling, really smiling. The kind where the lines beside her eyes wrinkled and her cheekbones defined. God, she’s beautiful, she thought. It was one of the rare times her wife looked genuinely delighted these past months. And those times she realized were never because of her.
“Bene, quando arrivi?” (Well, when’s your arrival?) She heard as the Italian walked back inside to fetch more medical supplies.
“You guys got a visitor?” Sullivan inquired when Maya reached the garage to help set up the chairs. Maya furrowed her brows in confusion, at which her fellow lieutenant nodded his head at the direction of her wife.
“Oh.” She mumbled. She forgot the guy spoke Italian. She mentally added on her checklist to search Italian for dummies tutorial. Perhaps finally learning the language would win her points from her wife. But going back, A visitor. She thought, not really understanding the context of what Carina was saying in her mother tongue- just the implication that someone was going to visit her wife, and her wife looked…happy.
She heard Sullivan clear his throat, an attempt to say he’s still there and she just spaced out on him. However before she could answer, the sound of the klaxon interrupted what was bound to be an awkward small talk.
She sighed in relief.
***
Firegasm. Maya has been missing these kinds of calls. 2 hours in an estate house and she came out sweaty, not to mention she smelt of gas and smoke, but sufficiently satisfied. They responded great on that kitchen fire that started from a gas leak made worse by a defective fire alarm system. No casualty reported. All lives were saved. She was on a high and she felt good. Her first small win of the day.
“Great job, 19!” the newly-appointed Captain Herrera shouted as the team jumped off the aid car, the ladder, and the engine, all of them eager to wash and freshen up.
“Bishop, good call on that back door exit.” Andy commended her as soon as she stepped down from the engine. “Thank you, Cap.” she answered, a proud smirk appearing on her lips. She proceeded to the locker room and removed her turnout gear while the rest were already racing towards the shower area. Vic even gave her a pat on the back before jogging upstairs.
“Bishop, you stink!” Jack, who was on clinic duty, shouted at her while throwing a towel in her direction.
“Gibson, you suck!” She responded with a light laugh, catching the towel then throwing it back at the other firefighter. “Uhm, where’s Carina?” she asked, noticing the doctor’s lack of presence at the clinic. It was a slow day for them apparently.
“Upstairs at the beanery. I offered her coffee but then she started speaking in Italian so I backed off.” Jack shrugged which made her laugh even more. Carina and her coffee.
She walked upstairs heading for the beanery, taking her sweet time to bask in the good start of her shift. Maya immediately smelled the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. In there, she saw Carina standing by the kitchen island, thermos in one hand, and the other…still on her phone.
“Good morning.” She decided to make her presence known. Carina looked up to her and offered her a smile- a small one. Today’s not my lucky day then. She gave a short, weary sigh.
“That was an early call.” the Italian commented. No statements of how glad she was safe or anything.
Looking back, Maya missed the times she would find her wife waiting for her at the beanery after a call just to make sure she was fine. How she would whisper “Thank you for coming back to me, bambina.” in her ear. How she would embrace her tight, and kiss her like her life depended on it. She missed all the times her wife would then scrunch her nose and demand she take a shower because she reeked of smoke. She missed the times her wife would eventually join her on said shower.
“Yeah. A kitchen fire at an estate mansion. Fire alarms were defective, would you believe that?” She recalled as she stepped closer to her wife. “Rich people.” she scoffed while shaking her head in disapproval.
When her wife only hummed in response, she hid her disappointment at the lack of interest. However, Maya was feeling extra determined to make another win today.
“Carina?” She began, nervously playing with her fingers.
“Si?” Carina replied, shifting her attention from her phone to the firefighter.
“I was wondering…well I have the day off tomorrow, so I was wondering if we could have lunch together?” She asked. She saw her wife hesitate.
“I- I don’t have the day off until Saturday.” It was only Wednesday. Maya knew how this would go. She was about to get rejected.
“I know, so I was thinking I’ll bring lunch at the hospital tomorrow, then we can just eat at your office?” She continued anyway. Please say yes. She pleaded in her head.
“I will let you know if I’m available.” Carina replied, and then silence followed. This was what Maya hated- the sudden weird energy between the two of them. It made her sad, but most of all, guilty that this was what she had done to a once light and wonderful relationship. She ruined it.
“Okay.” She answered, swallowing the lump building in her throat. “So…who’s visiting?” She decided to change the subject instead.
“Huh?” Carina questioned, her perfect brows burrowed into a frown.
“You were…uhm…talking to someone earlier and Sullivan said-” She shook her head and sighed, second guessing if she even had the right to ask. “Anyway, you sounded excited.”
“Ah yes!” The Italian squealed, clapping her hands. “It was Gabriella. She’s arriving here tomorrow!” Gabriella Aurora. Great. She snarked at herself. Exactly what I need. She thought sarcastically- one more Italian who’s for sure fuming at her for hurting her best friend, yet again.
“Oh! That’s good.” She smiled still. “You haven’t seen each other for a while.”
“I know it’s been so long! I miss her.” She watched her wife pout her lips. She would have found it adorable if only it was because of her.
“What brings her to Seattle?” She pried for more information even though Gabriella as a subject wasn’t exactly how she pictured her day with her wife.
“Well, she said she has a meeting scheduled at Grey-Sloan tomorrow about her research so I’ll probably just meet her there already. I was also thinking of introducing the women’s care facility to her with Dr. Bailey and you know maybe the clinic here too. Anyway she didn’t give me the full details yet but she promised she will when we have lunch tomo-” Carina stopped her excited rambling when she caught on to what she had just said. And so there it was again. The silence. Maya felt layers of unsettling emotions in her chest upon the realization. Hurt. Sad. Insecure.
But no, she canceled the thoughts already forming in her head. This wasn’t the first time her wife didn’t share information from her. There was that pregnant lady, Pam whom she went out for drinks with. Gabriella and Pam were just friends- friends who made her wife less lonely.
“It’s okay.” Maya whispered, suddenly finding the floor interesting. She heard Carina sigh.
“How about I give you a call after my shift tomorrow, then maybe we could do dinner instead of lunch?” A compromise. She bit her lip nervously before nodding.
“Dinner it is then.” She offered a grateful smile. “Well, I’m gonna go take a shower cause I smell awful.” I feel awful. “Have a good shift.”
“You too.” Her wife replied. She purposely slowed her steps down as she left the beanery, waiting for that particular demand she had memorized by heart- to keep herself safe and that she better come back home in one piece. It never came. She put her chin up anyways. She just snatched a dinner with her wife tomorrow, that’s another win for the day. One step forward.
For what little hope Maya was holding onto, her heart burst into tears for each time she felt her wife trying. She could settle for a compromise. She would accept anything her wife could offer at the moment.
But when tomorrow came, and no call was received. She left the already cold lasagna she spent nights perfecting for redemption, onto the kitchen counter. She curled on her bed instead, tightly hugging her knees. She counted from one to six, her lips trembling as she struggled to breathe. Maya spent the night crying herself to sleep. Two steps back.