Work Text:
Inspired by this song
Rain's pov:
I pulled my knees close to my chest as i stared infront of myself blankly.
The room was silent except for the sound of the clock ticking.
But my mind was so loud.
The voice in my head was screaming constantly.
And i couldn't make it stop.
I've never been able to make it stop.
All i can do is just wait till it quiets on its own.
Worthless.
Can't do anything right.
You had one job today.
Just turn in your assignments on time and without fucking them up.
You managed to fuck that up even.
P'Phayu is going to be so disappointed in you.
He put his trust in you and you do this.
You always need someone to look after you all the time.
Burden.
He's going to leave you too.
Why would he stay with a clingy child like you?
Even your parents can't put up with your childishness.
What makes you think he will?
He deserves someone who can stand by his side and support him. Not someone he has to care for 24/7.
I blinked when suddenly, a figure appeared infront of me.
P'Phayu was now kneeling infront of me, giving me a worried look.
"Hey. Why are you hiding here in the corner, hm?" He asked gently.
Look, now you're making him worry too.
Fucking pathetic.
He's obviously just gotten home from work and you couldn't even give him a break.
"Rain?" He moved closer and reached out, patting my head gently.
I could tell he was getting increasingly worried the longer i stayed quiet.
He's going to be so disappointed in you.
All his trust gone down the drain. Because you couldn't walk properly and bumped into another student.
Fucking useless.
Can't even do such a simple thing right.
"Rain, please talk to me. You're scaring p'." He combed back my hair gently.
Scaring him... I'm scaring him...
I slowly looked at his face, taking note of how he almost looked frantic at that point.
"It won't stop..." I muttered.
"What won't stop?" He asked softly.
"The voice... It's so loud..." I buried my face in my knees and curled in on myself even more.
I could hear a sharp intake of breath.
"Oh, sweet boy. You should have called me." He muttered in a pained voice.
I could hear him moving closer, his strong arms wrapping around me and pulling me to his broad chest.
I snuggled into his embrace, burying my face in his chest, and breathing in his scent.
Look at you. Making him comfort you right after he got back from working all day.
Can't even give him a break, can you?
He's been working all day at the office and then the garage. And now he has to take care of you after coming home too.
Such a fucking burden on him.
I clenched my eyes shut, willing that voice to shut up.
But of course, it's never that easy.
It just kept going.
Repeating those awful words again and again.
Making me want to scream and tear at myself to make it stop.
But suddenly, it went completely silent when i felt p'Phayu press his lips on the crown of my head and start singing.
His steady, deep voice reverberated through his chest in a way that made it rumble so comfortingly.
I melted into his embrace as he held me tightly in his arms, his voice so warm and soft.
Ohhh...
.
.
.
When he stopped singing, everything was quiet.
The voice wasn't screaming in my head anymore.
It was peaceful.
For the first time since i came home 5 hours ago.
He didn't say anything more, instead reaching under me and lifting me easily.
I laid in his arms contently as he brought me to the bed and laid me down.
A whine escaped my lips and i reached out for him as he got up.
"Sshhh, baby. I'll just get changed ok? Then I'll be right back with you. Just give me 2 minutes." He kissed my temple and went to the closet.
I curled into a ball, wrapping my arms around myself.
My body felt sluggish and i felt hollow and numb.
I haven't had days like this in a while... Since i started dating p'Phayu...
I was hoping it wouldn't happen... I didn't want to make him worry...
.
.
I blinked back into reality when familiar arms wound around me, one going under my neck and the other wrapping around my waist.
I was pulled against his chest.
My arms unwound from around myself and went to clutch at his tanktop instead.
He didn't try to ask or say anything.
Just held me, one hand carding through my hair gently.
I closed my eyes, letting myself soak in the comfort and relax.
.
.
.
.
.
The next day, when i woke up, he was still holding me in his arms.
But i could tell he was awake judging by how he was playing with my hair gently. And his thumb was rubbing my lower back too.
He usually gets out of bed before i wake up... To go workout and get started for the day...
And I'm pretty sure he has work today too... It's not a weekend... I also have classes...
I pushed back enough so i could look uo at him.
He looked down at me, expression dropping when our gazes met.
I knew my eyes would look haunted and empty. I've seen it in the mirror so many times. But i didn't have the energy to put up a cheerful facade right now.
One hand came to my face, cupping my cheek gently.
"Sweet boy... Can you tell p' what's wrong?" He asked softly.
Wrong?
I thought for a second.
I am wrong.
Everything about me has been wrong for so long.
But i can't seem to fix that no matter how hard i try.
And that's the problem.
"It's... Nothing. Just a bad day. I'll be back to normal by tomorrow latest." I sighed.
He frowned slightly. "Do you get these bad days a lot?"
I shook my head. "Hasn't happened since i started dating you. Yesterday was the first time in a while. It used to happen almost everyday."
I could see as his worry increased. "Can you tell me what set it off yesterday?"
"I dropped the model before i could submit it yesterday. It was damaged but i was able to fix it mostly before submitting it so i know I'll atleast pass. But everything just spiraled after that. And the vouce wouldn't stop. Other times, It just happens without being triggered. One minute everything is ok and the next, that voice is screaming in my head nonstop." I answered.
He pursed his lips.
"It's fine. I've gotten numb to it over the years. And the duration has gotten shorter too." I rubbed my eyes.
I still feel sleepy. Which isn't surprising. I tend to sleep almost the whole day after that happens.
"Have you ever gone to a therapist about this?" He brushed back my hair gently.
"It's nothing worth spending money on therapy for. I can bear it just fine. It doesn't hinder my life. I can still do everything i normally do." I shook my head.
"Forcing yourself to do things and being able to do them are 2 different things." He spoke firmly.
I kept quiet.
Dammit, he caught on fast.
"I'll look for a good therapist. This is not something you should just bear." He pulled me closer to him.
"It's fine. It's nothing worth going through all that trouble for. So what if i have a voice screaming in my head every once in a while? It's nothing serious." I pushed at his chest.
"Nothing serious? Really? You're saying that while you're the way you are right now?" He gave me an exasperated look.
I blinked.
"Rain, you slept for 12 hours last night. And yet you look as if you didn't even get one hour of sleep. You look exhausted. And that look you have in your eyes. As if you've become and empty shell. This is not ok. This is serious. And the fact that this was a frequent thing is also a serious matter." He gripped my arm firmly as he spoke.
"But it's not frequent anymore. I told you, it hasn't happened since i started dating you." I frowned.
"And I'm glad it's not frequent anymore. But it happened again. It hasn't gone away. And that means it's still going to happen in the future as well. Even if it's not as frequent as before. And that's still a serious matter. This shouldn't be happening at all, Rain. You shouldn't have to bear this on any day any amount of times. Something that leaves you wrung out like this is serious." His voice sounded urgent and anxious.
But...
They all said it's nothing serious...
Mom, the teachers, the counsellor...
They said I was overreacting...
Then does that mean they all lied?
But why would they lie...
His hand came to cup my cheek again.
"I don't know why no one has noticed this before and pushed you to get help but-"
"They noticed... A lot of people did... The teachers, mom, my friends... My mom sent me to the school counsellor in middle school even... But they said i was overreacting... That i can just bear it... That it's nothing serious..." I mumbled as i remembered their words.
He gritted his teeth and i could see as he visibly pushed down his anger.
"They were all idiots. They were wrong. You're not overreacting. I would say you're not reacting enough. This is serious. This is not something you should just bear silently." He spoke firmly.
"I don't know..." I sighed.
I'm too tired for this...
I don't want to think about all that now...
I'm so tired... I just want to sleep...
"You can sleep more. I'll wake you up in a while so you can eat something." He kissed my forehead gently.
"Classes..." I looked at him blearily.
"I'll tell Sky to cover for you. You're not going anywhere in this state. Just rest. I'll take care of everything." He pulled the duvet upto my shoulders, tucking it in around me.
I let my heavy eyelids finally shut at those words.
I was consumed by that familiar darkness within seconds.
.
.
.
"-ain... Rain, wake up." I was woken up by his voice calling me.
I peeled my heavy eyelids open halfway, looking up.
So tired...
I could make out his silhouette through my bleary vision.
My body felt too heavy to move.
"You should eat something. A few bites atleast." He spoke in a soft voice.
But that's so much work... I don't have the energy...
I'm too tired...
I must have muttered something because he spoke again.
"I know, baby. I know you're tired. But you need to eat. I don't want you to get sick." I could feel his hand combing back my hair gently.
"Here. I just cut up some fruits for now. Take just a few bites for me ok?" I could feel him moving on the bed.
The next thing i know, i was being pulled up and to lean against him.
I just let my whole bodyweight rest against him, not having the energy to try snd sit up by myself.
He brought a piece of cut up apple to my mouth, urging me to eat.
I slowly opened my mouth, taking the piece in.
I could feel his thumb gently rubbing my jaw and him kissing the top of my head as i chewed slowly, with effort i didn't have.
.
.
.
He kept feeding me and a few times even tilting my head back slightly so i would swallow when i got too tired to do it myself
"There you go. You did great. That's enough for now. Just drink some water and you can rest." He brought a glass of water to my mouth, tilting it very slowly.
I took small sips, turning my head slightly when i couldn't drink anymore.
"Ok. My sweet boy, you did great. So good for p'." He kissed my head again as he gently laid me back down.
Normally, i would feel giddy and happy when he praises me like that. But right now, i can't feel anything. Just numbness.
I closed my eyes as i felt the duvet being tucked around me and a kiss being dropped on my temple.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It just kept going like that.
He would wake me up every now and then and feed me a bit of food and water. The whole time, he would murmur praises and hold me close to him.
Sometimes i would wake up in his arms. The other times i would be alone, but with his pillow tucked against me instead.
He would even bring me to have a bath sometimes. He would hold me while in the water and wash me from head to toe so gently.
I don't know how long i was like that.
Everything was a blur. It took too much energy that i didn't have to figure anything out.
So i just laid there. And let him do as he liked.
.
.
.
When i finally felt as if my body wasn't made of lead, i was alone with his pillow tucked against me.
I slowly pushed myself up, not feeling stiff or anything. Which wasn't surprising since he moved me so frequently.
I looked at the digital clock on the nightstand.
12:43 pm.
I blinked.
What?
It's only noon?
I thought it would be longer than that.
I reached out and took my phone which was plugged to charge next to the digital clock.
My heart dropped instantly when i saw the date.
24th June 2021.
9 days.... It's been 9 days... 9 whole fucking days...
My hand shook as i looked around.
Why... Why didn't he say its been so long?
Why didn't he tell me I've been sleeping and laying in bed for 9 whole days?
Tears prickled my eyes as i looked out the ceiling to floor windows.
The sun was shining brightly and the sky was clear.
It was never this bad... It never happened for this long...
It's always been less than a day... Then i always somehow manage to pull myself out of bed... Even if it was so hard, i did it...
But this time...
I lost so much time... Just laying here in bed...
Over a week...
I felt a warm hand on my cheek, turning my head.
I was face to face with p'Phayu.
And oh god...
He looked so tired... He had dark circles under his eyes, his skin was a bit paler than normal, and his hair was messy.
But rather than worrying about himself, he seemed worried about me.
"Hey, baby. How are you feeling?" He asked softly, rubbing my cheek with his thumb.
A few drops of tears escaped my eyes as i felt a lump in my throat.
"Wh-y... Didn't y-you say any-thing... 9 whole d-days..." I managed to get out somehow.
"If i had told you how long it had been, you would have tried to force yourself to be up and running when you weren't ready mentally nor emotionally. That's why i didn't say anything. Because i didn't want you doing that." He replied.
"I l-lost... So m-much time... I-it never happened f-for... This l-long..." My visions blurred as tears brimmed my eyes.
"Did it really never happen for this long? Or did you just force yourself into functioning before your body and mind were actually ready to do so?" He wiped the tears that were overflowing with his thumbs.
I had no retort to that.
Because i know i did do that. I knew i was doing that.
But i had no choice. Mom would yell constantly and threaten to kick me out if i didn't get up.
I couldn't stay in bed. I couldn't wait till i was actually ready.
Is this how it would have been if i had waited until i was ready? Would i have lost this much time everytime it happened?
"I told you this is serious. I told you this is not something you can just bear. Your mom has been forcing you into functioning even when you're not mentally ready to do so. But that didn't just make this go away. It just suppressed it. And suppressed things don't stay that way forever. They burst out one day. Now it has. And I'm not letting you just suppress it again. This time, you're going to get the help you need. You're going to get better. Not run away." He wiped my tears with his palms while speaking in a firm tone.
"If i get help... Will this not happen again?" I asked softly.
"It will take time for it to go away. It won't be easy. But with help, it will go away. You can get better." He answered.
I looked out the windows again.
So much time... I lost without knowing anything... Without being aware of anything...
He pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly.
I pressed my face into his neck, stifling a small whimper.
"Everything is going to be ok. I promise. We're going to get you the help you need. And you'll get better. I'll be right here by your side every step of the way." He pressed his lips on my temple as he spoke.
I could hear the slight tremor and wetness in his voice.
I couldn't help the soft sob that escaped my lips at the hope that ignited in my chest.
I can be free from this... I can be better... I won't have to bear this silently anymore...
I won't have to run away from my wrong self anymore...