Work Text:
It started by accident.
Subaru was hiding in the closet, scared out of his mind of getting killed by assassins rabbits ice fire blades shinobi--
He scratched furiously at his arms, but nothing was quieting his thoughts. He just needed to scratch harder.
“Stop!”
Subaru blinked. Beatrice had taken hold of his hand, stopping his scratching. When Subaru looked down, he felt abruptly ill, seeing how much blood was flowing down his own arm.
There was so much blood. Everyone was probably dead--
“Subaru, look at me,” Beatrice said. Subaru’s eyes snapped up, meeting with hers. “I’m going to heal you, so just keep looking at me, I suppose.”
Beatrice healed his arm and helped him clean up. Subaru was still shaken, but he felt a lot better with Beatrice in the vicinity.
“Thanks, Beako, I feel a lot better now,” Subaru said.
“You can’t continue like this,” Beatrice said. As Subaru opened his mouth to reply, Beatrice shook her head abruptly. “Betty does not mind healing you! Betty does not mind comforting you after nightmares. But what if Betty isn’t there? You were unaware of the damage you were doing to yourself, in fact… I don’t want you to hurt… I don’t want you to die…”
Beatrice had started to tear up.
“Oh, no no no no,” Subaru said, quickly pulling Beatrice into an embrace. “I won’t die!”
Beatrice returned the hug, but she was still upset. “You can’t promise that so long as you still hurt yourself like that.”
“I’ll try my best to stop,” Subaru said. Her face made him want to say I will stop but Subaru knew he’d do it again. Sometimes he was barely aware of the world around him when he started doing it.
“You need a healthy outlet for your feelings, so you hurt yourself less, in fact,” Beatrice said, voice a bit firmer.
“An outlet?” Subaru asked. “You mean, like, meditation?” Subaru had tried that, but he hated to be alone with his thoughts.
“Something you can put your energy into, that can help you regulate your feelings,” Beatrice said. “A way to introspect. Have you ever written a journal?”
“A journal?” Subaru frowned, both at journal and introspection. He didn’t… want to have to think about all the horrible things that happened to him. Didn’t want to process. Which a ‘journal’ would force him to do.
“It could be practice for writing in Lugnican script, in fact,” Beatrice tried to convince. At Subaru’s reticent frown, Beatrice grasped his hands. “It doesn’t have to be this, in fact. Just try something.”
Seeing Beatrice’s adorable face all worried, Subaru couldn’t help but agree.
“I’ll give it a try,” he promised.
Subaru shakily tried to transcribe his experiences, but it went horribly wrong the first time. He ended up having a horrible panic attack instead of writing down anything. The idea of remembering that those things happened to him made him terrified.
He needed some distance.
Subaru started writing he instead of I in his diary.
He was attacked by Mabeasts and ripped torn killed
He died to an Archbishop everyone died he was so scared
When Subaru wrote his diary like this, it felt much better. Instead of feeling like he was about to get eaten by something, it felt more like he had… a friend, who understood his experiences. Who had suffered just like he had.
Subaru kept writing.
Subaru’s writing grew more structured.
He moved his writing from Japanese to the Lugnican script, like Beatrice had suggested. After all, if he wrote in Lugnican, he could call it practice, and he wouldn’t feel guilty for spending so much time on it.
However, if he was writing in a language everyone could read, he couldn’t just write about his experiences straight. That risked provoking the taboo.
So, Subaru loosely changed the details -- the name too. Soon enough he was writing a little fiction story about someone else, very strongly based on his own experiences. It strengthened the feeling of having a friend who was trapped in the same situation, someone he could relate to.
In truth, doing all this did make him feel better. It was a safe catharsis, a way about writing about himself that wasn’t really writing about himself. And of course Beatrice was happy to see him scribbling away at his “journal” at her suggestion.
His journal was soon enough the story of Masaru Zosma, a low-ranking noble who, after tampering with a dangerous metia, was sent to a faraway land where no one knew him. Exceedingly weak, Masaru’s only power was extreme regeneration. After meeting a beautiful princess, Masaru vowed to protect her, but his weakness meant that the only way Masaru could do so was relying on his regeneration and sacrificing his body.
Though Subaru had quit high school, he’d been pretty good at literature class. So he peppered his story with themes and started giving it a narrative, a start and an end.
Subaru knew he wanted to write a happy ending. After all, that’s what he wanted for himself. But as for the middle… well. He had a lot of suffering to write about.
Adapting the “ten seconds of death” portion of his life into Masaru’s was easy. Masaru had been tracked down by enemies of the kingdom and was repeatedly killed. Every time he got back up, the enemies would cut him down again, hoping that he would stay dead.
His regeneration is too strong for that, of course, Subaru thought, shaking his head and writing down another sentence about Masaru fruitlessly attempting to thwart the princess’ enemies. But once they realize Masaru can’t be killed, then what will they do? Probably keep him captive, you’d think. Ah, that can lead straight into the part where Garfiel captured me and kept me in a cave for three days! Perfection… Subaru scribbled down more inky notes on where he planned the story to go. Yawning, Subaru realized how late it was, and decided he’d go to sleep and work more on his story in the morning. He made his way over to the bed, where Beatrice was already sitting and reading, and laid down on it, falling asleep soon after.
Subaru woke up, blinking sluggishly, before snapping awake as he saw Otto at his desk.
“Otto?” Subaru questioned.
Otto squeaked, jumping. “I… uh… just…”
Subaru’s face turned tomato-red as he saw Otto hovering over his journal.
“You can’t read that!” Subaru shouted. “It’s embarrassing! Why didn’t Beatrice stop you?”
“I told Beatrice she should go check on breakfast,” Otto mumbled. “But never mind that! You wrote this!?”
“Yeah,” Subaru said. “Whatever, go ahead and laugh.”
“Laugh?” Otto said. “Absolutely not! It’s brilliant!”
“What?” Subaru questioned.
Otto jumped out of his chair and grabbed Subaru by the lapels. “You have to finish! I’m on the edge of my seat here!”
“Huh?” Subaru felt like he was living in an alternate reality for a few seconds.
“You can’t just leave it on a cliffhanger like that!” Otto said, eyes shining. “I need to know if Masaru is going to escape his capture in time to escort the princess to Queen Kaida’s wedding! He does, right?”
“I’m glad you… like it?” Subaru said.
“You should publish this,” Otto said.
“Hell no,” Subaru said.
“Why not?” Otto said. “Like, yeah, you’d have to edit out some grammar mistakes, but you’re really a fantastic writer. I think it’d be popular!”
“...Really?” Subaru said. Otto’s sincerity and enthusiasm was almost infectious. It was difficult to imagine anyone would want to read anything he wrote. Maybe if Otto thought it was good?
“Yes!” Otto said.
“Maybe,” Subaru granted.
Otto broke out into a massive grin.
“I only said maybe!” Subaru shouted.
Subaru finished the first draft of his ‘book’ about Masaru, then tore into it with an editing eye. The raw writing process was for therapeutic catharsis, but the editing process was to prepare it for others who weren’t him. Once he’d created something he thought he was okay with, he gave it to Otto for additional review. Otto loved it.
“I only have a few comments on the broad story beats,” Otto said.
“Sure, shoot?”
“Firstly, what’s with Rin attacking Masaru in the first few chapters?” Otto asked. “If it weren’t for this regeneration power, Rin would have tortured him to death. Everyone forgives her way too easily, it almost makes the rest of the cast feel out of character.”
“Ah,” Subaru said. The event was a thinly-veiled reframing of Rem attacking him at the Mansion during his first week. The reason no characters stayed angry at Rin was because he wanted to keep the interactions between Rem and Emilia (‘Rin’ and ‘Yukiya’) the same as they had been in real life. “Well, she thought he was part of the Crescent Blood.”
“Her family being killed by the Crescent Blood is a sympathetic backstory, but no one getting angry with her makes them look callous to Masaru’s suffering. Not to mention, Masaru forgives her immediately as well,” Otto said, shaking his head as if disappointed in Masaru.
Subaru sweatdropped.
“And I think technically speaking she probably should have been fired,” Otto said.
“Well, ah, we could just cut that part out,” Subaru said. “I’m not too attached to it.”
“Alright, glad you’re okay with it,” Otto nodded, writing something on a notepad. “Another thing. I think the book is way too mean to Masaru.”
“Too mean?” Subaru said, puzzled. “The point is kind of that he’s too weak to-”
“Not the things that happen to him,” Otto dismissed, waving a hand. “I mean the way the book talks about him. The narration calls him useless all the time. The way it’s written, sometimes it’s almost like you don’t even like Masaru! Yeah, Masaru starts off immature, but he’s a noble character who grows and excels to become an amazing knight! That’s how the audience will interpret him. If the narrative framing treats Masaru as pathetic even at the height of his character arc, there will be a mismatch between the book and the audience.”
Subaru’s self-loathing hit him like a truck. You don’t get it, Otto. Masaru is pathetic. Because he’s a self-insert of me of all people. “I don’t think it matters that much…”
“If you don’t think it matters that much, then let me change it,” Otto said. “I really think it would improve the story by a mile.”
Subaru sighed. “Alright, if it means that much to you. Don’t act like he’s a crazy hero either… if he were real, that would just inflate his ego.”
Otto broke out into a grin. “Understood!”
The book had been published.
Otto had done it, making a deal with some craftsmen in the city to borrow their printing-press to create copies to sell and distribute.
Subaru decided to treat the event with very little fanfare. On the day of, he trained extra hard with Clind and had some sweets at dinner as a reward. He wasn’t exactly going to get excited for something that probably wouldn’t take off.
As much faith as he had in Otto’s taste, Subaru was pretty sure his friend had been blinded by the fact that he and Subaru were friends when reading. Surely, no one would actually like his work. So Subaru put it out of his mind.
Until, around three weeks later, Otto burst into his office, slamming down a paper onto Subaru’s desk.
“Your book is selling like crazy!” Otto said. He pointed to a figure on the page, and quickly scanning it, Subaru saw profits at around 1000 coins. Subaru nodded admiringly. A thousand copper coins would be enough to buy himself a few expensive trinkets or some nice dinners at high-end restaurants. He hadn’t expected to earn that much.
“That’s a nice chunk of change,” Subaru said. “So people actually like it?”
“Like it!” Otto said, eyes shining. “People love it! It’s practically a sensation… our sales are even spreading to Gusteko and Karagi, given word has spread! Demand is so high we’re going to have to use more printers to sell to more bookshops and merchants organizations.”
“Really? A thousand copper coins isn’t that much,” Subaru said.
“That’s not in copper coins,” Otto said. “That’s in holy gold coins.”
Subaru choked.
One-thousand holy gold coins was… an inconceivable amount of money. If he made another thousand, he could probably buy up a bunch of land and start a minor noble house with that. Not that he planned to.
“The fuck?” Subaru said. “How much are you selling them for?”
“Two silver coins a piece!” Otto said.
Given ten silver in one gold, one gold in a holy gold… one thousand holy gold earned…
That amounts out to 50,000 readers, Subaru realized. And that’s probably lowballing it, because I’m calculating with profits earned, not total sales.
“Holy shit,” Subaru muttered.
“Yep,” Otto said, grinning. “Don’t worry, I’m handling the income! Roswaal said it would be fine if we stored some of it in his mansion, and we also have some in banks and assets. Man, I’d love to be rich too…”
“I mean, shouldn’t you be?” Subaru questioned. “I mean you like, edited it and stuff. And now you’re handling all the sales. Shouldn’t I be paying you for that?”
Otto was silent for a few moments.
“I didn’t even think of that!” Otto shouted. “Yeah, you should be!”
Subaru gave Otto a deadpan stare.
“Don’t look at me like that!” Otto said, flustered. “I was just excited to get it published!”
“Soooo, how much money do you want?” Subaru said.
“Don’t open like that,” Otto lectured. “In negotiations, you give your opponent the upper hand by letting them set the standard!”
“Oh, gotcha,” Subaru said.
“And I want two percent,” Otto said.
“Deal,” Subaru said.
Otto beamed.
There was a new book on Julius’ nightstand.
Julius had always been studious, with a love of books, which had led to Subaru calling him a ‘nerd’ on occasion, whatever that meant. So it wasn’t unusual for him to have a new book to read for recreation.
But it was unusual for that book to have been written by a friend of his.
Julius had first heard inklings of Subaru’s book down the grapevine from Anastasia, whose information network had picked up on it immediately. Julius was curious, but he at first resolved not to buy the book. There was no worse feeling than secondhand embarrassment, and Julius didn’t forget the fact that Subaru had previously admitted to him that he barely knew how to read. That had been around a year ago, but still.
But when Joshua had gleefully bought the book with plans to hate-read it, and ended up gushing about how good it was instead, Julius was unable to resist the siren call of reading Subaru’s book.
And it was good.
It was so good.
The paradoxical character arc of the main character, where he simultaneously learned how to be an excellent knight through hard work, while at the same time harboring more and more trauma and guilt the longer he used his regeneration to his advantage? The way people began to respect him in a way that he couldn’t keep up with, calling him Masaru the unkillable and expecting him to solve problems?
Julius showed up to the next meeting of the Anastasia Camp with raccoon eyes, having stayed up all night reading. Given Anastasia’s questioning look, Julius politely pointed to the book in his hands.
Anastasia gave a feral grin.
With Otto’s help and editing talents, Subaru had managed to cater to the literary sensibilities of the Lugnican population while still executing on the dark twists and foreign style that made his book unique. Not to mention, his previous fame as a Candidate’s knight gave his book the initial boost it needed to get off the ground.
Unexpected, but… well, it happened.
Subaru was going to the inter-camp meeting a few thousand holy coins richer and quite a bit more famous. And Felix wasn’t shy about commenting on it.
“Subaru-kyun, I hear you’ve become an author,” Felix said slyly, the moment they were all together.
“I guess I have,” Subaru said, scratching his cheek.
“I’ve read the book,” Crusch said. “It’s actually quite excellent. I congratulate you on it.”
“I have as well,” Wilhelm volunteered, smiling.
“You have?!” Subaru said, sweating. “That’s embarrassing…”
“Then why did you even publish it?!” Felix asked.
“It’s not like I thought anybody was gonna read it!” Subaru said. It was completely true. He’d expected it to blow over with perhaps some light teasing from his own camp at best for even trying, which wasn’t the case. (Emilia hadn’t read it yet, but thought it was cool he’d written something. Ram had teased him intensely, but she’d also seemed very proud. Beatrice was... concerned by his dark writings, but thought it was good he was getting his feelings out.)
“Regardless, I’m glad you wrote it,” a regal voice said. “I quite enjoyed the book.”
Subaru turned around to see Julius.
“You…” Subaru’s sarcastic reply was cut off by Julius’ genuine praise. “Wait, really?”
“Of course,” Julius asked.
Subaru scrutinized Julius’ expression, which was completely sincere.
“I just didn’t expect so many people to like it,” Subaru said.
“It was mid,” Felix said, leaning back. Crusch gave Felix a warning look.
“Mid?” Julius said, looking borderline offended. “Why do you think that?”
“It’s just suffering!” Felix said, throwing his arms out. “Masaru just keeps getting kicked down by life. Doesn’t he deserve a win?”
“The suffering serves a purpose within the narrative,” Julius argued. “Sir Zosma must learn lessons about knighthood, nobility, and interacting with others. To overcome his suffering, he must overcome these obstacles.”
“He didn’t even get the girl in the end,” Felix huffed.
“I think they’ll get together in the sequel,” Julius said mildly. “It was implied that they would start a romantic relationship.”
“I think he should have begun courting Rin,” a third voice said, as Reinhard entered the conversation. He’d entered as the two were talking. “She seemed to be a lovely young woman. She supported him even when Princess Yukiya did not.”
“No,” Felix said, aghast. “You did not just say that.”
“I must agree,” Julius said. “Princess Yukiya is the pinnacle of virtue!”
“Though, her reaction when Sir Zosma was unable to attend Queen Kaida’s wedding was most upsetting,” Wilhelm said, slowly being drawn into the shipping wars.
“She didn’t know what he’d been through!” Julius said, a bit heated. Subaru resisted a laugh at the expressions on everyone’s faces.
“For someone who didn’t like the book, you seem very invested, Felix,” Crusch said.
“No I’m not,” Felix said stubbornly.
“Mm, the wind of untruth blows,” Crusch said as Felix turned bright red.
“Well!” Felix said, as a distraction, before anyone could tease him. “I think we should be talking about how Subaru’s a secret sadist. How does he even come up with this stuff?”
Now it was Subaru’s turn to be embarrassed as attention turned to him. “I don’t think it was all that bad!” Subaru protested.
“It was actually quite dark,” Julius said, shaking his head. “In my opinion, the most unrealistic aspect was the fact that Masaru maintained his sanity after he witnessed one of his best friends murdered in cold blood in front of his eyes, followed by watching the leader of the Crescent Blood slaughter an entire village.” Rem’s death, followed by Arlam village’s destruction. Though the character killed here was different from Rin so I could keep her around for later, Subaru thought.
“Hear, hear,” Felix agreed, nodding.
Subaru snorted, a bit too loudly.
The room turned to him.
“What?” Felix asked.
“Nothing!” Subaru said.
Crusch gave a smile. “That’s a lie.”
“Oh, come on,” Subaru.
“Tell us, tell us,” Felix started chanting, a bit childishly.
“No,” Subaru said, pouting in return.
With everyone looking at him though, Subaru couldn't help but cave.
“Fine!” Subaru said. “I just found it ironic that you said no one would be able to keep their sanity after going through that, because that actually happened to me.”
The temperature in the room felt as if it dropped ten degrees.
“What?” Julius said.
“Yeah, just replace the Crescent Blood with the Witch Cult,” Subaru said.
There was a moment of silence.
“Od,” Crusch muttered, before covering her mouth with her hand.
“...I am very sorry for bringing that up!” Felix said, voice getting higher pitched at the end of his sentence.
Julius also looked somewhat pale. “I concur. Are other elements of the book based on your own lived experience?”
Well, some of the events had been changed enough that it could be argued that Subaru didn’t go through them. So Subaru could say honestly…
“Only like, half of the stuff,” Subaru said.
“Half?” Julius said, sounding mildly horrified.
“Well, obviously I don’t regenerate,” Subaru said, though I do die, which is actually worse, “But like, getting kept in a cave for three days? Happened.”
“The description of Masaru’s feelings as the days passed were uncannily realistic,” Wilhelm said, looking uncomfortable.
“Wait,” Otto piped up, having been essentially silent thus far. “Is this why you said you were ‘looking for a good place for Masaru to get partially eaten alive’? Don’t tell me something like that actually happened!”
“I don’t like to talk about that…” Subaru said honestly. It was the best he could do without setting off Crusch’s divine protection.
“...Subaru, are you okay?” Julius asked.
“No,” Subaru answered.
Subaru felt arms close around him from behind. Looking up, he saw Reinhard’s fire-red hair above him. “Rein…?”
“Sorry,” Reinhard said, still hugging Subaru. “I sort of wanted to hug the main character while I was reading it, and this is the closest I’ll get.”
“Wow,” Subaru said, eyes watering. “Thanks.”
Reinhard squeezed him again, and the moment passed. Everyone tried to continue the conversation as if things were normal, but Subaru didn’t miss the looks of strong concern from everyone in the room.
That night, Julius re-read most of the book, especially the parts that Subaru said had been based on his life. Perhaps the reason the book had become so popular was its powerful authenticity. When it came to the death of their best friend and the destruction of the village, one could tell. Every moment of despair and feeling of horror was burned into the page.
Julius wondered: which half had really happened to Subaru? The part where Masaru was stabbed repeatedly until he was too weak to move? The part where Masaru begged on his knees for help saving his loved ones from the Blood Crescent, only to be refused for political reasons? They all felt so real.
It was almost like Julius could feel the sticky blood soaked through the pages.
Julius sighed. Maybe Reinhard had the right idea. He sort of wanted to hug Subaru right now, even if Subaru would throw a hissy fit as a result.
Julius' smile was sad but fond.
I should have noticed sooner, that darkness in your eyes, Julius said. We may be from different political factions, but we’re still friends. You matter to me.
I’ll save you… Natsuki Subaru.
Little did Julius know, several other people were making very similar affirmations.