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Sometimes I dream of a better world, a world where it could be only you and me. For a long time, I thought that you dreamt the same, and I don’t think you understand how much it broke me when I realized that you were whole galaxies away. I remember the hurt I felt when I noticed that the world you were dreaming about didn’t have me in it, instead, you were dreaming about a fierce red-haired girl, who I guess was completely perfect for you. She was a woman, she was a Gryffindor and she stood up for herself and always seemed to say the right things. And I, I was quieter, I didn’t dare to stand up for myself in fear of what would happen, I was a boy, I was in the wrong house, and you hated everything my family stood for.
I remember the first time that you noticed me, you caught my eye across the hall, and you smiled. I’ve never seen you smile like that before, and that smile was meant for me! I didn’t know how to react, and only sat there stunned for the rest of the meal. You were my brother’s best friend, why did you smile at me? It continued like that, you meeting my eyes and smiling at me, and me being just as lost every time.
The first time we really talked to each other was after a quidditch match, you were the chaser and I was the seeker. You won, and when our eyes met across the pitch, instead of looking sad or angry, like I probably should have, I smiled in your direction, and the next thing I know, you were pulling me into the broom shed, and all of a sudden it was only you and me.
“I like your smile”, your words shocked me, and I nearly died there on the spot. You were so close to me, and your breath was fanning over my lips, your whole body was making my head swim, and your words made me feel something strange, like a flutter going through me.
“Why did you drag me into the broom shed?”, I, not so smartly, retorted. But I was lost, I didn’t understand what was happening, why you were talking to me. You didn’t answer, you only stared at me, mischief and happiness twinkling in your eyes. The moment was disturbed by your other friend, the tall boy with the scars, he was searching for you. I thought that the moment you heard his voice, you would bolt out the door and act as if nothing happened but instead, you did the last thing I expected you to do. You kissed me, hard, on the lips. I was in shock and didn’t know how to react. After the kiss, you only smiled coyly at me, and then left, leaving me there with a confused mind and tingling lips. Why did you kiss me? You were a boy and I was also a boy, wasn’t that supposed to be forbidden and disgusting? I didn’t understand, and I silently made up my mind that the next time we met, I would ask you about it.
The second time you dragged me into an empty room, I was prepared, right before you could lean in I stopped you. I nearly regretted doing that when I saw your confused face, but I needed to express the turbulent thoughts that have been disturbing me since our last kiss.
“Why are you trying to kiss me, you know that I’m a boy too right?”, my confusion was evident in my voice, and you, instead of freaking out like I thought you would do, only smiled at me;
“Of course I do, I know exactly who you are Reggie, that’s why I’m kissing you”, you said it with such confidence, that I didn’t stop you when you leaned in again and kissed me, instead I kissed you back, and oh it felt so good.
I’ve never felt like that before in my whole life, and if I thought that that was all it was to it, only kisses, I was so wrong, every time our eyes met, my whole body erupted into flames, and every time you kissed me, I felt as if I was in another universe. So I don’t blame myself for falling in love with you, you were perfect, and you made me feel something more than loneliness and hurt, you even made me forget my own family for a while.
I guess that’s one of the reasons why it hurt me so much when I noticed that your eyes weren’t searching for mine anymore, instead, it was searching for hers, Lily Evans. The perfect girl, who was everything I wasn’t. At first, I thought that maybe it was just a coincidence that your eyes met hers first, and never left them. But then it happened again and again, and you stopped meeting me in empty places, you stopped smiling at me in crowded rooms.
It broke me more than I like to admit, because all of a sudden the defence and happy thoughts I had against my family were gone, and all the love I had for you, changed into heartbreaking thoughts of doubt, and I felt myself slowly going crazy when I desperately tried to meet your eyes, and you weren’t trying to do the same. Your eyes so full of mischief, and happiness, that I had loved for a long time now, were searching for someone else’s.