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When his father said that the two of them were going on a trip together, Kim dokja already knew he would hate every second of it.
He eyed pleadingly his mom but she sat at the table quietly and avoided eye contact. The guilt was written all over her face.
Once she would have done everything to protect him, nowadays she didn't even say a word. Her motherly love grew exhausted. Dokja didn't blame her. As a wife of an abusive husband, a kid decreases the chance of ever breaking free. He was the burden that bound her to this nightmare. To assure his well-being, she gave up on her live.
He understood that. He had to.
If not there was no stopping himself from questioning if her love had ever been real or if she just grew sick of pretending.
The only way was to accept that his mother wasn't going to help him anymore. To give up hoping.
Defeated, he followed his dad out the house.
The car ride would have been completely silent if not for the occasional aggression spiking up whenever Dokja's father declared a driver incompetent. Kim dokja wanted to remind him of all the times he drove drunk and almost had an accident but knew to keep quiet.
The whole experience was weird. Their destination was a waterpark with all kind of abstract looking outdoor pools. Just a few visitors where there, and when Kim Dokja's dad started dragging him into an even more desolate area, he had an ominous feeling he wasn't going to like what was about to happen.
He expected to be hit or at least be yelled at.
Not that he had done anything wrong . But his father never needed a reason. And he for sure didn't want to give him one. When you expect the hit to come, you can try to regulate the volume of the screaming and crying which he couldn't completely suppress. Less trouble afterwards. He'd like to avoid a round two for being to loud.
But none of that.
Instead Kim dokjas father took all his clothes of off and entered the pool.
Was it even a pool? Kim dokja wasn't sure what to call it. In front of him was an engular bathtub made out of metal. The bathtub was on stilts and pretty high up, so that you could only reach it with a ladder which was attached in the middle of the outside wall. It looked a bit like a bunk bed filled with water to Kim dokja. Only more metallic. And less inviting.
Lost in his thoughts, he contemplated if more colors would make it look better or even worse and what was on the creator's mind while constructing that abomination when he heard the rage filled voice of his father telling him to hurry up and join him.
Kim dokja didn't want to.
They didn't pack any swimming trunks with them. He would have to go in there naked. His father definitely wouldn't allow him to keep his underwear on. What if people came here at the wrong time and they saw him without clothes? And what was he supposed to do about his thighs? If his dad were to see them in their current state, there was no way in hell he wouldn't get punished...
But declining wasn't an option, he knew that much. The consequences would be much worse.
He went in front of the ladder so his father couldn't see him from his lying position. Then he quickly undressed. He stopped for a moment after pulling down his pants. The memory of making all those cuts along his thighs flashed into his mind. He only ever made them across his thighs. Any other place was to easy to see. They had already closed or healed having a brownish or almost white color. But what's with all those wounds on his lower legs? Where did they come from? Kim Dokja has no recollection of cutting himself there. And why were they open, blood slowly dripping out, little droplets all over the red lines? You couldn't oversee them and it was his father they were talking about. Underwater they were going to be even more noticeable, the dark red tone drawing all eyes on them.
The beatings after the first time getting caught, assured that Kim Dokja knew he wasn't the owner of his body. His father was. And so was the right to leave any kind of marks on him.This time he'd receive a penalty twice as bad. His father doesn't like having to repeat himself.
But he didn't do that! Not those at least! It wasn't Dokja's fault! His Dad wasn't going to believe him. He never did. What was he supposed to do now? What -
Fuck.
Kim dokja hat took to much time, he heard people coming. He ripped the last remaining clothes off and hurried up the ladder. Luck seemed to be on his side this time around, his father's eyes were closed, him enjoying the warm temperature.
The water was kind of muddy so when he hid his torso under the surface neither was his dad able to see the self inflicted wounds nor would the approaching strangers notice he didn't have any swim wear on. Everything solved. But luck was never on his side, at least not for long.
The bathtub was less deep and much narrower then expected. To not be discovered he would have to go much closer to his dad than he was comfortable with. Both were naked and the thought alone made him feel like puking. He didn't want to feel like that ever again. Not in the slightest.
His father stopped touching him after Dokja's mother threatened to go to the police when she found out . She got in a shit ton of problems for that. He wished he could bring himself to feel regretful about her discovering.
Kim dokjas father noticed his distress and apparently had also seen the people coming this way because he seemed already aware of Kim dokjas problem. He sneered, the look on his face giving Kim dokja stomach cramps. He knew that look.
" Make a choice and make it fast. Do you really want to show them just how disgusting you are? No, you don't .Come fucking closer you useless piece of shit "
And that was when Kim dokja knew.
His father anticipated for this situation to arrive. Because he already knew what choice Kim dokja would make. Because Kim dokja knew that one result was inevitable. Because he could only choose if it was going to happen sooner or later but additionally he would have to face the ridicule of showing the disgusting body of his. The choice he was going to make was set from the beginning.
Dokja's vision started to blurr. Tears forming in his eyes. His mind began to race. All the possible outcomes came to his mind.
Still in shock, Kim dokja started creaping closer and closer. But he didn't give in. He couldn't. Instead on like his father expected, lying on him, he stemmed his weight with his little arms. Not one centimeter of their bodies touched. Dokja just had to wait until the people where leaving. And that should have worked out fine, if not for a big strong hand had dipping him completely against his dad and his head under water. He could clearly feel parts he didn't want to remember press flush against him, rubbing against his frail stomach.
Kim dokja felt sick.
He wanted to scrub every part that touched raw. He wanted to cut those sections of his body off. He wanted to get away. He wanted to get his head over water. He needs to get the hands off him. He needs to breath. He needs to stop all this.
He needs...
Until he didn't need anything anymore, his father putting a stop to everything for him.
For the last time.