Chapter Text
Friday, October 17, 2003
You weren’t sure if the nausea was from nerves or from the morning sickness that had never actually limited itself to just the morning hours.
It had been months since you’d last seen Joel. You remembered it so clearly. It’s not that you’d known he was going to break up with you a few weeks later, but you did know it would be a while before you saw him again. There hadn’t been a set plan, just vague discussion of getting together at Christmas - unsure if he would bring Sarah to you or if you would come down to him - and you wanted to make sure you held onto everything as tightly as you could.
Joel never just dropped you off at the airport. He always parked the car, always walked you in and lifted your bag onto the scale at the check in counter like 35 pounds was just a bit too much for you to do on your own, always walked with you through the security line with his arm around your waist. He always stood there on the other side of the security area until you made it through the metal detectors and you always looked back at him when you did, holding his gaze for a moment with the ache of longing deep in your chest, the two of you raising a hand to each other. “Goodbye. See you soon. I’m leaving a part of myself with you, please take care of it.”
You hadn’t known you’d been taking a literal part of him inside you then. Though, if you were a betting woman, you’d put money on him getting you pregnant the morning you left town. You couldn’t know for sure - you’d been visiting for two weeks and you were pretty sure you hadn’t gone more than 14 hours without him inside you - but your birth control use was always a bit… spotty when you were traveling. You didn’t take it at the same time every day like you did at home, often sleeping in past the usual schedule. You’d forgotten it completely twice, once when you’d taken Sarah to Six Flags and you were in a rush to get out the door so she could get adequate roller coaster time and once when you were so hung over after going out with Cassie, Josh and some of Tommy’s friends the night before you’d barely eaten anything that day.
You’d taken your pill the morning you left but things felt different. He had held you so tightly to him in the pool, been so deep inside you when he fell apart, you were sure that’s what had done it.
And now you were trying to not panic about seeing Joel again.
It had been so long since you’d seen him as a friend. Kind of a friend. Who knew what you were now. You weren’t sure how to occupy this space with him.
On the plus side, you’d found a dress you actually liked. It hugged your chest and waist but concealed the small bump that you doubted anyone would notice but you didn’t want to take any chances. It had been a few months but Joel knew your body like no one else. If there was someone who would notice - at least once upon a time - it would have been him. You spent too much time curling your hair and doing your makeup and hoped he wouldn’t think you’d spent too much time doing your hair and your makeup.
Fuck, you were going to throw up. Maybe not right that minute but you were. You put a travel bottle of Listerine in your purse.
“You can do this,” you said, whole body tense as your knuckles turned white around the steering wheel of your rental car. “You can do this.”
It was strange, driving yourself around Austin now. It had been a few years since you lived here and when you visited, it’s not like you got a rental car. Joel almost always drove, except for the occasional day where it was just you and Sarah because he had to be at a job site. You’d drop him off in the morning so you could use the truck and always inevitably end up there for lunch and show up a bit early for evening pick up because you couldn’t stand to be away. You’d been tempted to take Joel up on his offer to pick you up for dinner but that felt a little too dangerous. A little too much like a date. And for this conversation, you wanted to have some control. To be able to jump in the car and leave if you wanted to.
It had taken you a while to feel like you were even remotely ready to tell Joel that you were pregnant.
You’d sat down and looked at everything you wanted to do for yourself and your career, how the timing would line up with the pregnancy and having a new baby at home, how much it would all cost and what you would do to support it. You wrote it all out clearly with dates and numbers. It was there in black and white, just how much you didn’t need his help with this. You were telling him because it was the right thing to do, not because you wanted anything from him. That was all.
Even though it had been a while since you’d done much driving in Austin, the way to your favorite Mexican place was automatic. Joel’s truck was already in the lot, making your stomach tight. You were early. Joel never got anywhere early. You’d been counting on having some time to sit down and gather your thoughts, maybe read through your plan one last time. Not that you’d expected to have it memorized - it was folded up in your purse specifically so you could reference it when you needed to - but you didn’t want to just sit there and read it to him, either.
You took a deep breath, trying to center yourself.
It was just Joel. Just the love of your life who’d left you after he knocked you up - not that he knew about that last part. It wasn’t like he was going to bite you.
The hostess knew exactly who you were looking for when you got inside and Joel stood up when you came over to the table.
You hadn’t been prepared for what seeing him again would do to you. For a second, it was like nothing had changed. When he picked you up from the airport, you always hurled yourself at him and he had to catch you and you had to stop yourself from doing that now, keeping your feet firmly on the ground.
But when he smiled at you, it was damn near gutting. The sudden realization that he wasn’t yours anymore, that you couldn’t just walk up and kiss him, fall into him, slip your hand below the hem of his shirt to the smooth skin of his back and feel him.
You smiled back anyway.
“Hey,” you came to a stop in front of him, unsure whether you should hug him or not. Did you shake his hand? What do you do to greet the man you had been with for three years and were about to tell him that you were carrying his child?
“Hey,” his smile got a little wider. The hostess walked away and he hesitantly put an arm around you, pulling you into his side. You looped your arm around his back and gave him a squeeze. He was warm and still smelled like pine sawdust, even through the smell of his soap.
“I’m surprised I beat you here,” you stepped away from him and sat down, smoothing your dress as you did. “I know how the end of the week can be, I hope you weren’t rushing…”
“No,” he said quickly. “Just wanted to try ’n make sure you weren’t waitin’. Either on me or a table, you know how this place gets on Fridays…”
“I appreciate it,” you smiled a little, picking up the menu. Your stomach was in knots. You still were eating almost exclusively Clif bars.
“Surprised you even need to look at the menu,” he smiled a little from across the small table.
“Hey, they might have changed something,” you smiled back a little.
You settled on a quesadilla - it seemed like the thing you’d be least likely to throw back up at the table - and an iced tea. Joel frowned but waited for the waitress to leave.
“Everything OK?” He asked. “Seems like New York might be changin’ your tastes a bit…”
“Fine,” you said quickly. “Just… wasn’t feeling the enchiladas tonight. And I have to drive. So, how have you been?”
He looked at you for a moment, like he wasn’t sure of your answer.
“Been alright,” he shrugged after a moment. “More of the same. Job I’m doing right now is fuckin’ exhausting, most indecisive client I’ve ever seen.”
“Oh that’s got to be a blast for you,” you smiled a little. “I know how much you love when people don’t know what they want…”
He took a long drink of his beer and nodded and you laughed.
“How’ve you been?” He asked, watching you, his eyes going up and down the parts of you not hidden below the table.
You considered for half a second telling him then, but you couldn’t bring yourself to. You’d have dinner first. A last supper of sorts, where things were normal. You’d tell him after.
“Oh, you know,” you shrugged. “A lot of school. Go to work at a school, come home and do school, study for school on the weekends, do it all again on Monday.”
“Well you were always real good at school,” he teased a little. You laughed.
“You know what they say,” you smiled. “Those who cannot do…”
“You can, though,” he said. “Think you could do just about anything.”
You talked through dinner, you picking at the quesadilla more than anything else and having to excuse yourself to the bathroom to throw up after eating some of it, bringing your purse with the Listerine with you.
And then dinner was over and you couldn’t put it off any longer. You were walking together to your separate cars and you were trying to get up the courage to blurt it out when Joel spoke first.
“Wanted to ask ya,” he cupped the back of his neck awkwardly. “If you… had a date for Cass’ party.”
“A date,” you raised your eyebrows at him, standing next to a curb in the parking lot. The crickets were loud, the moon bright.
“Yeah,” he said. “Just… wasn’t sure…”
“Who would I bring?” You laughed. “One of the guys from my vibrant college dating life?”
“Wasn’t sure if…” he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up a bit. “If you brought someone with you.”
“Who I left in a crappy hotel room alone while I went to dinner with my ex?” You said skeptically. He laughed.
“Guess when you put it like that,” he looked at you again. “I’d just… like to spend more time with ya while you’re here. And I always liked Cass, she’s a nice girl…. So I thought… I mean, if you’d want and it wouldn’t be too much trouble…”
“Are you asking to be my date to Cass’ engagement party?” You asked, smiling a little.
“Yeah,” he said. He sounded relieved. “If you don’t…”
“That’d be great,” you said quickly. “It’ll be nice to have someone to talk to, Cass is going to be pretty damn busy.”
“I’ll pick you up,” he smiled.
“I’ll text you the information,” you smiled back.
He hugged you goodbye - a real one this time, one where you could feel his whole body against yours - and pecked you on the cheek before making sure you made it into your car.
You’d tell him tomorrow.
Saturday, October 18, 2003
There had been less planning with the outfit for Cassie’s party than there had been for the dinner with Joel.
For one, you weren’t friends with a lot of Cassie’s other friends. You liked them well enough but they weren’t about to be paying you any mind while you were there. You’d see Cass for a few minutes of the party, help out where you could and that was that. Joel you desperately wanted to impress, even though you thought there was a good chance he’d never want to see you again after this weekend. That dress had been much more important.
But the khakis you’d worn the week before to teach suddenly wouldn’t close. You stood profile in the full length mirror by the dresser of your hotel room, your hand covering the bump that had somehow doubled in size in the past week. It was still small, likely not noticeable to anyone but you, but it was just enough that the zipper wouldn’t come up all the way and the button was a fraction of an inch away from closing on the pants.
“Shit,” you looked at your watch. You had a grand total of 15 minutes before Joel was supposed to pick you up and you didn’t have fucking pants.
You rifled through your bag and found an extra hair tie, looping it around the button and through the button hole to help hold them closed. Thankfully, the sweater you’d brought for the party covered the top of the pants enough that no one should notice. You hoped.
“Hey,” he smiled warmly, opening the door of the truck for you. It was a slightly less awkward greeting than the night before, a hug and a kiss on the cheek before you climbed in the truck and he closed the door behind you.
“Thanks for driving,” you smiled. “I’m hoping I can remember quite how to get to Cassie’s parents’ place, I’ve only been there a few times…”
“Well, you sent me the address, so…” He handed you a printout of Mapquest directions. “Figured I’d cover my bases.”
“You’re the best,” you smiled a little. “I did not plan that far ahead…”
“Always happy to come to your rescue,” he winked at you and headed off.
It was nice, just being in the same space as Joel again. He was still warm and funny, you still wanted to lace your fingers through his as he drove or lean your head on his shoulder when at a stoplight. But you kept your hands to yourself.
“So Cass’ OK with me comin’ right?” He asked as you pulled into Cassie’s parents’ neighborhood. “Doesn’t hate me or anything?”
“Oh she definitely burned you in effigy a few months back but she’s moved on,” you teased. He half smiled. “No, she’s fine with you being there, I did ask.”
Fine may have been a strong word for it. You texted her after you got back to your hotel the night before to make sure it was OK that you brought a date.
“Who?” She texted back.
“Just Joel,” you replied.
She didn’t text back, she jumped straight to calling.
“Are you FUCKING kidding me?” She yelled.
“Hi Cassie, how are you?” You asked. “Ready for your party tomorrow?”
“Joel?” She demanded. “Fucking JOEL? You haven’t even been in town a whole day and you’re already going to just, what, forgive him for dumping you over the phone after you were together for three fucking years?” She must have pulled the phone away from her face, her voice muffled. “No, Josh, I will NOT calm down…”
“We had dinner,” you picked at a hole in the bedspread. “It was nice, he said he wants to see me more before I go…”
“I swear if you just jump back in bed with that man…” she muttered. You sighed.
“Do I need to text him and say never mind to the party?” You asked. “Because I definitely will, I don’t want to upset you, it’s your day.”
“No,” she sighed. “You can bring Joel.” She said his name like it was a curse word. “At least this way I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re not… I don’t know, falling back in love with the guy or something.”
“Hard to do since I’m still in love with him,” you said wryly.
“Yeah and maybe I’ll just shove him in the pool with some rocks in his pockets,” she muttered and then sighed again. “Look, I’ll be nice. Bring him if you want, of course you’re welcome to bring a date. If you want to be a masochist about it, I can’t stop you.”
“Have been a bit worried that all your friends hate me,” he smiled a little, his head leaning on his hand that was propped up by the door.
“Yes, my broad social reach is sure to cause you problems on the Austin scene,” you said knowingly. He smiled broader.
Joel pulled up to the gate and you gave him the code from the invitation. He keyed it in and the gate opened.
“Feelin’ a bit out of place,” he said as he drove in, looking at the mansions lining the road.
“Yeah, tell me about it,” you said. “I’m pretty sure you could fit Nan’s house in one of these garages.”
Cassie’s parents lived at the end of a cul de sac, their expansive home all brick and stone with lush gardens in front, the kind that required constant watering under the Texas sun.
“Really hope she doesn’t want to kill me,” Joel said as you followed the signs down the path to the side of the house toward the back yard. “Feelin’ like they could get rid of whatever body they wanted to…”
You giggled.
You’d shown up a bit early to help Cass and her mom set up, handing the bottle of wine and engraved glasses you’d brought as a gift off to the guest of honor.
“It’s so good to see you!” She shrieked, jumping as she hugged you. You grabbed her ring hand and she obliged, happily letting you turn her fingers in the light to see the diamond before she looked at Joel for a second, eyes narrowed. “Joel. Thanks for coming.”
He glanced at you quickly before looking back at Cass.
“Just let me know how I can help,” he said, standing close enough to you that his arm brushed against yours.
“I think my mom and Josh need help moving some stuff over that way,” she gestured into the yard where there was a tent and tables. “Why don’t you go make yourself useful?”
Cass didn’t wait for a response, she just looped her arm through yours and tugged you inside. You glanced over your shoulder and mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ but he just smiled and went where Cassie told him.
“You said you’d be nice!” You said as she pulled you into the kitchen.
“That was nice,” she shrugged. “I didn’t call him a douchebag once. Margarita?”
“No thanks. I’m cutting back,” you said. She handed you a sparkling water and got a margarita for herself. “What else is there to get set up?”
“Oh, basically nothing, the caterers have the rest,” she said, pulling you along to the picture windows that overlooked the backyard. “But now we have refreshments while we watch the men do strong man shit.”
She tilted her glass toward you and you toasted her with a giggle, taking a drink of water.
“So,” she said after a minute of watching Joel and Josh haul an oversized planter around the yard at Cass’ mom’s direction. “You told him yet?”
“Told who what?” You frowned.
“Told Joel that you’re knocked up,” she took a sip of her drink like she’d just noted the weather.
“What?” You coughed, trying to keep the water from shooting out your nose. “I don’t…”
“Please,” she rolled her eyes. “You look like you lost weight everywhere but your uterus, you’re not getting hammered on the free booze when you showed up with your ex… You’re not that hard to read, hon.”
“You can’t say…” You began but she waved you off.
“I’ll keep my mouth shut,” she said. “Really wish you’d have told me, though! It’s his I take it?”
“Either that or I’m getting added to some religious texts,” you sighed, looking out the window. Joel had rolled up the sleeves of his button down. “I just didn’t want to tell you before I told him. That just… it felt weird.”
“You’re telling him this trip, right?” She asked. “Because if you decide to come down in a few months it’s going to be less telling him and more him just observing you.”
“I was going to tell him last night at dinner but I just kept putting it off and then he asked if he could come with me tonight and…”
“And you chickened out,” she nodded. “Did you fuck?” You shook your head. She nodded again. "Babe, you can’t sit here and cling to… whatever it is that you two are doing this weekend. He made his call, can’t change that. You’ve gotta bite that bullet.”
“You’re right,” you sighed. “I’ll tell him after the party. I have to, right?”
“Unless you were planning on hiding the baby forever,” she shrugged. “Think you have to.”
The party was oddly fun. Maybe it was because you were dreading the end because that meant you’d have to actually tell Joel. Maybe it was because Cassie’s parents had spent a probably obscene amount of money on food and a band. Maybe it was because you hardly knew anyone and you basically just hung out on the edge of everything with Joel as Cassie and Josh made the rounds, the two of them only coming over when she wanted a break from dealing with her family to chat or roll her eyes about something.
“I swear to God my mother thinks I’m marrying the future king of England or something,” she groaned, chugging a glass of Chardonnay. “She was just saying she’s got 250 people to invite. I don’t think I’ve ever MET 250 people let alone 250 people I want at my fucking wedding… Oh hi Aunt Barb!” She gave you a wide eyed, desperate look before going to talk to the person who waved her down. You giggled.
“Never thought having no family and very few friends would be a perk,” you leaned against a table, glancing up at Joel. “But at least I know that I won’t have to worry about stuff like this if I ever get married.”
“If?” He asked, taking a sip of beer.
“I mean,” you shrugged. “It’s kind of ‘if’ until you actually get married, right? Not like it’s a guaranteed thing.”
“S’pose that’s true,” he nodded.
“And we’re gonna slow it down just a bit,” the lead singer crooned. You recognized the opening notes of Wonderful Tonight and you laughed a little before you groaned.
“They were accepting tips, I made a request,” Joel shrugged and held out his hand.
“No,” you laughed a little again. “Clapton? No way.”
“C’mon,” he jerked his head to the dance floor. “Old time’s sake.”
You sighed and put your hand in his.
“For old time’s sake.”
He smiled and led you to the dance floor, pulling you against his body, swaying in time to the music. His arm went around your waist, your hand in his held to his chest. Joel was humming the song to himself, so softly you doubted he even knew he was doing it.
Wonderful Tonight was one of the first things Joel ever played for you on guitar. He’d put it on the stereo when Sarah was sleeping at a friend’s house after you’d had a few glasses of wine and he’d pull you into his arms to sway with you in the middle of the living room, dodging the coffee table and the couch and so full of love you thought you’d burst with it.
“I’ve missed you,” he said quietly, his nose brushing along your temple. You could feel his heartbeat below your palm, the heat of his breath on your cheek. You swallowed past the knot in your throat. Your stomach got tight.
“Missed you too,” you said. He held you a little closer, the hand that was against you slipping up, below your sweater so his fingertips were brushing the bare skin of your lower back. Your heart rate picked up. “I think in a different way, though…”
“I hope not,” he whispered.
The song wound down and his lips brushed against your temple, your cheek.
“Joel,” you breathed. His hold on your hand tightened as he kissed you.
It was gentle at first, soft and hesitant. Almost innocent, as though he’d never touched you before. But you felt the familiar heat gathering low inside you, the raw and needy ache of it. His lips grew firmer, more insistent and you pushed him back, stepping away from him just as the band was shifting to another song, the buzz in your head too loud to recognized what that song was.
“I’m sorry,” you said, stomach turning. “I can’t do this.”
You took off before he had a chance to stop you. You could feel the Clif bars you’d had for breakfast and lunch creeping back up and you tried to work your way through the people milling about the yard without being disruptive. Joel called your name and you ignored him, trying to find your way to a bathroom or at least a quiet corner…
You’d made it to the corner of the yard when Joel’s hand closed around your arm.
“Please don’t just run off,” he said.
“Joel,” you tried to pull away from him but he tugged you closer.
“Don’t tell me that you didn’t want that, too,” he said, his eyes searching your face. “Baby…”
“Don’t call me that,” you said. You were about to throw up, you could feel it coming, you were an expert at it now. “Joel, let me go….”
“Let’s talk about this,” he said.
“I can’t,” you tried to step away from him but he held onto you. Not hard, you could pull yourself away, but his eyes were begging you to stay.
“Why can’t you?” He asked. “Please…”
“Because I’m pregnant!” You all but yelled it at him. His eyes went wide, his hand still on your arm. You looked at him for a second longer before you doubled over and threw up on the ground next to his shoes.