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It’s a foolproof plan.
Catch the Batman off-guard while he’s intervening with the fake mugging, hit him with a heavy dose of the sleeping gas from afar, and truss him up good and tight before injecting the special order truth serum into his bloodstream.
Okay, maybe it's not foolproof, but every step so far has been shockingly successful, so Travis sure isn't going to complain. Batman's strapped down to the morgue's autopsy table now, still unconscious, but Horace is standing at attention, ping pong paddle at the ready to slap the guy awake.
"Alright, lads-"
"And Patty," Hank says.
"And Patty, yeah," Travis agrees. "It's go time. Horace is gonna wake Bats up, Rudy'll jab him with the truth serum, and I'll grill him about Superdork."
"Shouldn't we like, ask Batman's name or something? Find out his identity while we're here?" Hank asks.
"No, the serum'll get him hyperfocused on one topic, and we don't wanna waste time on anything outside the goal. We only have a limited amount of time before he gets free or the effects wear off, so we need to get what we came for and vamoose before the heat is on."
"Got it."
"Everybody in position?" Travis glances around the room to be sure. Pablo is at the window standing lookout, Rudy has the serum, Horace his ping pong paddle, and Patty and Hank are covering the exits, baseball bats in hand. "Alright, let's do this. Operation Take Down Big Blue is a go."
Four slaps and a stab later, Batman is staring woozily up at Travis, probably doing some dark detecting to figure out where he is and what's happening. But Travis isn't going to waste time and give him the chance to work anything else out.
"Tell us all your secret plans to deal with Superman," he says firmly, enunciating each word to be sure Batman hears him correctly.
If there's anyone who knows how to take down Superman, it's Batman. Their crew knows they don't have the means or brains to figure out the best way to incapacitate the big guy themselves, but Batman sure does. Once they get the plans out of him, they can figure out how to pull them off and finally get their revenge.
"Hrn," Batman says, biting down on his lip. He's probably trained himself to resist truth serums and shit like that, but the seller promised this was the good stuff. The kind of concoction that makes the target want to tell the truth, gets them on a roll until they can't stop blabbing even their most well-hidden secrets. Next to Travis, Horace raises his paddle again, but Travis holds up a hand to stop him.
"It's okay to give in, Batman," he says, trying for a softer tack. "Just tell us what you have hidden up your sleeve for Superman. That's all we want to know. Your deepest secrets about Superman. We won't ask you for anything else."
Batman visibly struggles for another few seconds, a "hrrk" sound escaping his mouth before he stiffens, his jaw seemingly working against him.
"I would start with my mouth," Batman grits out, and Travis snaps his fingers, gesturing for Rudy to start taking notes.
"Yeah?" Some kind of bite attack? Kryptonite hidden in a false tooth?
"I-" Batman makes a horrible noise as he tries to resist, but Horace pats him gently on the shoulder with his paddle, and the motion breaks Batman's willpower, causing him to snarl out, "I'd drop right to my knees and lick him through his red briefs."
"Uh."
"What," says Patty.
"I'd rip them off him if I could, but the Kryptonian material likely wouldn't break. I...would have to kneel there, mouth open, waiting for him to strip himself and feed me his cock-"
"Okay okay okay, I think something is wrong, T," Pablo says nervously.
"Yeah, I'd fuckin' say!" Hank yells.
"No, guys- it's fine, he just hasn't gotten into the important details yet. We'll get him back on track after this diversion," Travis says, trying to placate them. This is just a minor setback. Part of Batman's expert training to avoid interrogation. Beside him, Batman finally seems to relax into the table.
"It might be hard for me the first time. He's very well-endowed, you know."
Rudy nods, considering this. "Yeah, I mean the undies don't hide much. Guy's dick is huge."
"Most certainly. He would have to make me take it. Shove it in deeper inch by inch until I'm choking on it, until my eyes are watering and I can barely breathe- letting him grab me by the hair and fuck my face until he comes straight down my throat, refusing to let me up for air until I've swallowed every drop."
Patty coughs delicately, breaking the ensuing silence. "Um. Do you really think he'd be that rough with you?"
"No," Batman sighs. "He'd be too much of a gentleman the first time at least. He would probably gently pet my hair and tell me what a good job I'm doing. That wouldn't be so bad, actually."
"It's probably better to start off slow at first," Patty agrees, and Travis gestures impatiently at her not to encourage Batman's stalling tactics. He's as talkative as they were hoping he'd be, but about all the wrong things!
"Okay, Batman, that's great and all, but let's focus on the important things. Besides kryptonite, what weaknesses does Superman have?"
"Hm." Batman frowns, musing over this. "Maybe restraints?"
"Okay, like kryptonite-reinforced cuffs, or?"
"He has a tendency to tie me to things while mind-controlled. And to grab me by the throat. I...have begun to wonder if perhaps it's a subconscious desire that only emerges when his willpower is compromised."
What the fuck are they supposed to do with this information?!
"Kinky," Horace says, before Travis can figure out how to turn this to their advantage. "I did not think Superman the type."
"I could see it," Rudy says. "Who wouldn't want to let off steam when everyone expects you to be the perfect hero all the time?"
Batman shrugs the best he can for a man who is currently restrained. It's apparently something he's gotten used to doing. "I'd let him hold me by the throat while he plows me against a wall, but I doubt he even notices how his actions could be interpreted. He doesn't think of me that way at all."
Pablo clears his throat. "I dunno, Batman. Normal friends don't fantasize about choking each other or tying each other to trains and things. Either he's got a secret grudge or there's more between you two than you thought."
"Hhh."
"Sounds like you guys need to communicate," Patty says.
"I would almost literally rather die," Batman replies. "Just because I want Superman to pound me into next week doesn't mean I want him to know about it."
"But if you never shoot your shot, you’ll never get what you want," Hank says. Pretty hypocritical of him to say, Travis thinks, when he’s been mooning after that bartender at Templeton’s since forever.
"It’s better that way," Batman says, his voice getting growly. "Besides, why risk the disappointment of reality when my fantasies can never let me down? Imaginary Superman has every quality of my ideal lover."
"Like what?" Rudy asks, faster than Travis can yell no. He could strangle the guy, he really could. Just like Superman chokes out Batman every couple of months. Jesus, maybe Bats is right; Supes definitely has some kind of latent breathplay kink going on.
"He would be attentive, doting. He'd make sure to meet my needs. Not that I think my needs are that demanding. I just want him to ruin my hole for anyone else. Stretch me open on his massive length until I can feel him permanently reorganizing my insides, until I'm nothing more than his personal fleshlight-"
"Sweet Jesus," Rudy says. "That's- you've got some intense daydreams, Mr. Batman."
Batman sighs, staring moodily up at the ceiling. "They aren’t all like that. Sometimes I imagine him tenderly making love to me while we’re stranded on some lonely alien planet. He kisses me gently as he sinks in, making sure he’s opened me up enough to take him. I feel safe bracketed in his strong arms, his captivating eyes looking at me in adoration."
"Aw." A smile settles on Patty’s face. She's surprisingly sentimental, for a woman who shatters kneecaps for a living.
"You thought about it a lot, huh?" Pablo asks, something like sympathy in his eyes. Great, now the damn team is too invested in Batman’s disastrous love life to keep on task.
"I think about him often. Too often. Especially when he gets assertive in the field. I want to see that energy in the bedroom. I bet he knows what he wants and that I'll gladly give it up for him. He wouldn't hesitate to fuck me on a rooftop or against my office windows. Just bend me over the nearest horizontal surface whenever he feels like it. He might even let me ride him in midair."
"Is that safe?"
"I have great balance. And impressive thigh strength. I could sit on his dick for hours, as long as he doesn't drop me. I'd warm his cock wherever he wants. In front of the League, even."
Horace lets out a whistle. "Exhibitionism too, Batman? Saucy."
"He wants everyone to know he owns me. Or, rather, I want him to want everyone to know I belong to him. Dream Superman is a tad possessive." Batman's voice turns wistful. "That’s definitely just a baseless fantasy."
Travis pinches the bridge of his nose. This is getting nowhere. "Look, Bats, your crush on Superman aside-"
"It isn't a crush," Batman says severely. "Kal is- my feelings for him far surpass the physical. He is my partner. My closest friend. I want to remain both those things, but I also want to be more. His life partner, if he would have me."
Hank rests the tip of his baseball bat on the ground. "That's sweet, actually-"
"-and his cumslut, too."
"Never mind."
"Did you know that the average Kryptonian ejaculates 4.7 times more fluid than a human does? Their semen is, on the whole, also a slightly different consistency and temperature, though it could pass as a human's upon cursory inspection."
Patty's eyebrows fly up. "Do you know this firsthand? Did you two, y'know?" She does something with her bat and hands that's probably supposed to signify intercourse.
"Of course not." Batman frowns, looking a bit shifty. "I read up on the topic using Superman’s fortress database."
"Yeah? Tell us more about that," Travis urges. If Batman isn't going to tell them anything useful about his own plans, maybe he'll at least give up some of Superman's secrets.
"The Fortress of Solitude contains a vast and extensive library about all things Kryptonian. It also contains many of Superman's mementos and his homeworld's technology."
Travis perks up. This could be the breakthrough they need. "What kind of technology?"
"Weaponry, robotics, medical equipment — it's all very impressive. Including his Supercomputer, which outclasses even my own Batcomputer." Batman pauses for just a moment before confessing, "When I see him sitting at his computer chair I want to crawl under the desk and suck him dry. But that would be highly inappropriate since I'm usually there for work."
"Bats...it's starting to sound like you're constantly horny around Superman," Hank says.
"Not constantly. I'm a professional. Just...45% of the time."
Hank clicks his tongue. "Okay, and how often are you emotionally horny for Superman?"
Batman grumbles low in his throat for a few seconds, very obviously reluctant to admit, "...92% of the time. The other 8% he's being irritating."
"92 percent- Batman. That's like having a four-hour erection. In your heart. You need medical help."
"Seriously, man, I think you gotta tell him how you feel," Pablo says. He shifts from foot to foot, glancing around the room. "It's gonna affect the whole workplace atmosphere soon if you're really fantasizing about him all the time."
"I go to great pains to make sure no one knows about my feelings."
Everyone else looks at each other, faces reflecting the same mild chagrin. Not so much anymore, sorry, Batman.
"But what if you really have a chance with him?" Pablo presses on.
"An unlikely possibility. At least in my daydreams I can imagine him tangling his hand in mind as we fall asleep together. Or softly brushing the hair out of my eyes before he kisses the bruises on my face. Or whispering good morning as the sunshine illuminates his perfect smile."
"Okay, now think about all that, but in reality. He could be spooning you to sleep tonight! You've just got to go for it!" Rudy exclaims, waving his notepad around. He's scrawled a fair number of notes on his current page, which is questionable. What the hell has he been writing down?
"It's an unnecessary risk. I don't take them when there are no lives at stake."
"Your sex life is at stake," Horace says sagely.
"Look, take it from us, as a bunch of bona fide Metropolitans," Hank says. "We see Supes every day. Way too much, to be honest. I want to punch his flawless teeth in — that's kinda why we're here- anyway, the point is. We know what the big guy is like. And when he looks at you- it's something else, Bats."
"It doesn't just have to be a dream," Patty continues. "You could really be happy."
Batman lets out a long sigh, turning his head to look morosely at the peeling walls. "Happiness is transient and fragile. Shame, fear, and disappointment are eternal."
Everyone groans.
"Don't be a coward," Rudy jeers as Horace smacks his paddle against Batman's cowl.
"Fool."
"Look, I've been reading this self-help book," Hank starts at the same time that Pablo tries to interject with, "Maybe if you practice with a friend first-" It's so noisy that Travis can't fucking think anymore. They've been at this for over half an hour and have zilch to show for it. Christ alive.
"That's enough!" Travis shouts after another minute of incomprehensible ruckus, banging his fist on the table. Everyone swivels to look at him. "This is ridiculous. Batman, get your fucking shit together and just tell Superman you want to be his dick holster. But first tell us how to kill the bastard!"
"...have you tried kryptonite?" Batman asks mildly at the same time that someone comes smashing through the wall like a wrecking ball. Fuck.
Travis had, in fact, given kryptonite a try in the past, but never managed to gather enough to make a weapon worth using. Still, he's made sure to keep a couple shards on hand as a last resort for occasions like these.
He turns toward the crumbling hole in the wall, reaching for the lead-lined pouch in his pocket. One shapely red-booted leg steps over the debris, followed by another. Travis can see everyone in the crew tightening their hands around their weapons as a tall brunette menace emerges from the clouds of dust.
Wait. Damn. That's Wonder Woman.
Kryptonite doesn’t do shit to Wonder Woman.
"Shit, run run run!" Travis screeches as he makes a break for the door, the others desperately scrambling after him. "Every man for himself!"
"And Patty," Hank heaves as he kicks the door open. Behind them comes the sound of metal links cascading to the floor as Wonder Woman rips apart the chains holding Batman down.
"Every man and Patty for themselves," Travis agrees, hot on Patty's heels as Wonder Woman advances on them, each solid click of her heels against the concrete terrifying.
"I'll be back shortly, my friend," Wonder Woman says, and Travis only hears Batman grunting back in the affirmative before he's being thrown ass over shoulders straight into Rudy.
From there, the battle is embarrassingly brief. Wonder Woman tosses them all around like paper dolls, sending them flying into each other every which way, and then she binds them all in a little circle around the base of a street lamp like some kind of demented game of ring around the rosie.
"I could’ve freed myself," Batman is grumbling at Wonder Woman as he steps out into the street.
"Indeed you could have, but my method involves fewer dislocated limbs and fingers," Wonder Woman responds. After a second, her mouth wobbles a little, as if trying to suppress some kind of emotion. "Besides, I wanted to give you a warning. I…was not the only member of the League to notice your absence at the bagel party."
Pablo and Rudy gasp as Batman comes to a sudden halt, his cape closing around him like a shield.
"No," Batman says, his voice low. Travis winces, feeling a little bad for the guy for the first time today.
"Yes. I’m sorry. He says- he says he stopped listening after the first two minutes, but at that point he was already as red as his cape."
"Well, shit," says Horace, speaking for all of them.
"Excuse me. Gotham is calling."
"Batman," Wonder Woman pleads, grabbing hold of Batman’s arm as he tries to grapple away. The hook just bounces off the sheer glass face of the building he was aiming for. "I don’t know what exactly Kal heard, but he said he really wanted to speak to you."
Hank wriggles in his restraints, jostling Travis. "Bats, this is your chance!"
"No. I’m late for a violent and over-orchestrated attempt on my life. Riddler will be disappointed if I don’t show. Goodbye."
This time, Batman doesn’t even bother with grappling, he just stalks away, pulling free from Wonder Woman’s hold. He’s clearly trying to remain dark and imposing, but mostly his silhouette looks sad. Even his little bat ears seem deflated. Damn. Travis never meant for this; he just wanted to put Superman out of commission.
"You know what you have to do," Travis calls after Batman’s retreating form, trying to keep his tone positive. "If you don’t wanna talk, just follow through with your plan! Start with your mouth!"
"You can do it!" Patty yells.
Batman melts into the darkness without looking back, and Travis looks guiltily up at Wonder Woman when she glares down at them in disapproval.
"Look what you've done. Years of gradual progress up in smoke, just like that."
"In our defense," Rudy starts, "we just wanted to know how to take out Superman."
Wonder Woman shakes her head. "That isn't any better."
Fair enough, but Travis doesn't appreciate the disdain in her voice. Heroes are the worst.
"Okay, then think about it this way: your years of gradual progress got you jack shit. Our method might have irreversibly humiliated Batman by accident, but you can't say anymore that Superman doesn’t know Batman wants to sit on his dick. If they still don't figure it out after this, they're a lost cause."
She raises an eyebrow as Travis is speaking, but by the end she's almost smiling. "Maybe you're right. This might be the kick in the behind that they need. I can't say I haven't been tempted, myself."
"Yeah? Then maybe you could let this one slide?" Hank says hopefully. "Seeing as we might've helped your friends and all."
"No."
"Aw."
"But," Wonder Woman says as she bends down to tighten up their restraints, "if it works out, I'll give credit where credit is due. Now, sit here and reflect on your actions."
She bounds off without another word.
"New suggestion," Patty says as they watch her leap into her invisible jet and fly off. "We kidnap Batman again but ask him how to gank Wonder Woman this time."
"Fuck it, why not," Travis agrees. Not like it could go any worse than today.