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Miya Atsumu had reached his limits.
He was not known to be a patient man, but in his defence, every sane person would have cracked if they had to face the menace that is Sakusa Kiyoomi. He was convinced that his new teammate had made it his personal goal to piss him off. It started with glares from across the gym while they were stretching to endless complaints about his tosses.
And Atsumu never missed.
At first, he tried to be nice, but after hearing for the hundredth time that his toss was “just a millimetre too low”, he stopped pretending he could even stand the guy.
He stomped inside the locker room as soon as practice ended, not even saving a glance for his other teammates. He needed to leave now if he didn’t want to snap at Sakusa and say things he would end up regretting. Atsumu was petty but not so much that he would jeopardise the balance of the team.
He aggressively yanked his shirt off and started to change into his everyday clothes. He usually showered at the gym, but he could accept feeling gross and sweaty on his way back home if it meant he didn’t have to face the person who made his mood this sour.
He was grumbling his discontent when he heard the door to the locker room open.
“Hey, you okay Tsumu? You’re usually the last one to leave!” Atsumu recognised Bokuto’s booming voice.
“I’m busy today.” He mumbled, not even trying to sound convincing.
“Huh,”
Atsumu turned around, to glare at the person who just scoffed at him. He felt his soul leave his body when he saw who did it.
Sakusa fucking Kiyoomi was standing right there, arms crossed in front of his chest with a smug look on his face and Atsumu wondered for a second if the guy had any self-preservation because he was about to chop his head off.
“What?” He spat at him.
Sakusa took a step forward and looked straight into his eyes, “Are you really busy, or are you just incapable of accepting criticism?”
Atsumu’s restraint broke. Fuck the team cohesion, he was not going to let this stupid nobody disrespect him in front of everyone.
“Oh yeah? Try being told that yer tosses suck every single day! Have ya tried questioning yerself? Cause from where I stand yer the problem, ya egoistic, self-centred, bitch!”
A gasp could be heard in the now-silent locker room:
“Guys! I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you but I will need you to fix it! You’re too old to be disturbing the team with such childish matters!” Meian said, voice calm but firm.
“Oh and Atsumu? The next time I hear you insult one of your teammates I won’t be this nice.”
Atsumu gulped and gave a nod in Meian’s direction. He took his bag and left the room as fast as he could.
He had never walked so fast to get back home. He was so angry at everyone that he just wanted to lie down on his bed and scream into his pillow. He dropped his bag onto the ground as soon as he entered his apartment and rushed to his bathroom. He felt sticky and disgusting which did nothing good for his mood.
After a warm and not relaxing enough shower, he felt the need to rant, so he took his phone and called the only number he had on speed dial. He started screaming as soon as the other person answered:
“Samu I swear to every god out there I won’t be able to contain myself any longer and I will punch this man in the face!”
“Hi to ya too,” huffed the tired voice of his twin brother.
“Stop making fun of me! I’m serious!”
“Stop whining, ya big baby. Is this about Sakusa-san again?”
“Who else?” Atsumu deadpanned.
“I don’t know. It’s pretty easy to despise ya, ya could’ve annoyed another person since the last time we talked.”
“Haha, very funny. Now be a good brother and let me complain!”
He heard Osamu sigh and took it as his cue to go.
“I told ya how he always complains about the way I play right? Well, now he’s also annoying when we’re not playing! Fer example today he criticised the way I stretch. Said my posture wasn’t right! Who does he think he is!”
Osamu hummed, letting him know he was still listening.
“But ya know what pisses me off the most? It’s that I don’t actually know why he hates me so much! I know I can be a bit much but he doesn’t have to be such a dick to me! I don’t even talk to him outside of practice! We’re basically strangers, how could he hate me!”
“I get how frustrating it can feel. Maybe go talk to him? Tell him that ya don’t wanna be best friends but at least have a cordial relationship on the court?”
Atsumu let out a big sigh
“Ugh. I hate it when ya make a good point. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore, how was yer day?”
“Wait? Is this consideration I hear? Who are ya and what have ya done to my brother?”
“Shut up! I’m always nice!”
He heard Osamu scoff
“Yeah, yeah. Nothing much happened at work. But I do have some gossip from people we went to school with. Remember the captain of the basketball team?”
Atsumu smiled a little, knowing his brother hated gossip, but he knew Atsumu loved it. Osamu would never admit it but he wanted to make his twin feel better.
“Oh yeah, ya hated that guy.”
“Yeah. Well, I just learned from a friend that his girlfriend from 5 years who he was supposed to marry broke off the engagement and left with his best friend.”
Atsumu gasped.
“No way! That’s rough!”
“I know, I never liked him but even I feel bad.”
“I get it. I wouldn’t wish a heartbreak on my worst enemy.”
A light bulb lit up in his head.
“Yer being quiet. I don’t like it. Yer only quiet when yer thinking and yer thinking never leads to anything good.”
“I’m a genius!"
“Oh god.”
“Samu! I will seduce the hell out of Sakusa!”
“Yer gonna seduce Sakusa because ya..hate him?”
“I’m gonna act all nice towards him and he's gonna fall in love with me so hard! But the moment he lets me into his heart I’m gonna break it from the inside.”
“This is the creepiest and dumbest thing you’ve ever said in yer entire life.”
And thus began operation “Love him til’ you break him”.
✽
Atsumu entered the gym with his head high and newfound confidence. He was a man on a mission, a mission to seduce the one and only Sakusa Kiyoomi, and Atsumu never half-assed anything.
So when his teammate inevitably started to glare in his direction, Atsumu shot a wide grin back. The action caused Sakusa to choke on the water he was drinking, which was an added bonus.
When Sakusa criticised his first toss of the day, Atsumu apologised and promised to do better. He saw Sakusa squinting his way but paid him no mind and continued practising as if everything was normal. His new attitude didn’t go unnoticed by his teammates.
“Hey, Tsumu! Are you and Sakusa doing better? I haven’t heard you scream at him yet!” Bokuto asked.
“Oh yeah! See I thought it would be better for the team if we got along!”
“That’s the spirit man! I’m glad you guys are doing better!”
Atsumu smirked at that. Oh poor innocent Bokuto, if only he knew what had been planned.
Atsumu stayed behind that day, planning to train a little more. The squeak of his shoes against the polished floor and the sound of the ball hitting the net concealed the steps of the person that had joined him in the room. Oblivious to the presence of someone else, Atsumu kept on playing. He turned around to go grab his water bottle and flinched as he saw Sakusa standing only a few feet away from him.
“Ya scared me Sakusa-san!”
His teammate kept quiet and gave him the same squint that he had worn the whole day. Atsumu knew exactly what was confusing him but he decided to play dumb.
“Soooo… Good practice today! Yer serves have really improved!”
“Listen, Miya, I don’t know what game you’re playing but I need you to stop it right now.” The squint had now turned into a glare.
“What game?” Atsumu said, slightly tilting his head to the side.
Sakusa huffed, clearly annoyed. “Why are you playing nice all of a sudden?”
“Oh! Well, Meian did ask us to be nicer to each other. And I really want us to be on better terms!” He used his sweetest voice, the one he knew made every one of his dates fall for him.
Sakusa stood there, his expression impossible to read.
“If I learn you’re planning something, I will make you pay Miya.”
“No games, Sakusa. I genuinely want us to get along.” Atsumu was impressed with his acting skills.
“Okay,” was all Sakusa answered.
“Okay?” Atsumu replied, confused at how easy it was.
“If you decided to be mature about this, I should too.”
Atsumu flashed him his widest grin, “Well I can’t wait to get to know ya Sakusa-san!”
He didn’t wait for his teammate to reply and left the gym, adding an obnoxious sway to his hips. He wanted Sakusa to appreciate the view as he left.
The next few days looked somewhat the same. Atsumu would be nice and Sakusa would squint his way, clearly still wary of the blond setter. After a whole week of being nice, Atsumu decided to step up his game. He needed to get close to Sakusa, not just at practice but also outside of the gym.
“Hey, Sakusa!” He ran towards his teammate as soon as practice ended.
“Miya.” Sakusa gave him a curt nod which was a huge win, as he would usually barely look Atsumu’s way.
“Are ya busy right now?”
“Why would I be? Practice is over.” Sakusa sounded genuinely confused, which made Atsumu wince. Did he really just go to practice? Didn’t he have friends?
“Ya could have plans with friends? A girlfriend?” He saw the way Sakusa’s face contorted into something akin to disgust at the mention of the word “girlfriend”.
He was either gay or repulsed by the idea of a romantic relationship. To his surprise, Sakusa answered honestly.
“No plans. And definitely no girlfriend.”
“A boyfriend maybe? That was not really inclusive of me sorry.” The innocent act never gets old.
Sakusa choked on air.
“No, no boyfriend either.” And Atsumu never thought he would ever see the day when Sakusa blushed, but the slight flush on his teammate’s face was unmistakable.
So, boyfriend it was. Atsumu smirked, happy about this new information.
“Well, if yer free right now, would ya like to practise some tosses with me? I thought of a new attack we could try together.”
Spending time alone in the gym would seem less suspicious than asking him out for coffee. He needed to be sly about it.
“I don’t have anything else to do, so why not.”
“Great!”
Training with Sakusa alone was not as awful as Atsumu thought it would be. Yes, his comments were just as annoying, but Atsumu could respect the drive that Sakusa had when it came to volleyball. In a way, they were more alike than he originally thought. When he began to have trouble catching his breath and when the sweat that fell from his bangs made his eyes sting, he decided it was time to go home. He went to check the time on his phone and saw that they stayed an extra two hours.
“It’s getting pretty late, we should probably stop.”
He glanced at Sakusa who was wiping sweat from his forehead with the bottom hem of his shirt, showing off his abs. Atsumu felt his face flush. He could appreciate a good-looking guy, even if he hated him. That’s all it was, Atsumu thought as he shook his head to get these thoughts out of his head.
Sakusa nodded and started packing up his bag, “Have a good night Miya.”
“We should do this again soon!”
“Sure.”
Sakusa left a stunned Atsumu behind. He smiled. Sakusa Kiyoomi smiled. It wasn’t anything big but the slight upward motion his mouth did was unmistakably a smile.
Sakusa was starting to warm up to him and his plan was going amazingly well! Then, why did Atsumu feel so empty?
That night Atsumu lay in bed, thinking about how he could spend even more time with Sakusa. He could maybe ask him out to eat? Would that be weird? He went out with Bokuto and Hinata all the time, the team wouldn't find it too weird if he did it with Saksua now that they were clearly on better terms. But as he thought about it, a weird feeling settled in his stomach. Maybe it was the thought of hanging out with someone he disliked? That had to be it.
Atsumu tossed around in his bed for a few hours before he fell into a restless sleep.
✽
Atsumu stared at Sakusa the entire practice. He needed to come up with an excuse to ask him out to coffee. Maybe he could say he wanted to try a new coffee shop but no one wanted to come with him? But if someone else heard him they would probably point out that he never asked anyone to go with him.
Atsumu was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear Sakusa creep up to him.
“What do you want, Miya.”
“Huh?” He said, eloquently.
“You’ve been staring at me so hard it made my head hurt.”
Atsumu let out a pained laugh, “I’m sorry Sakusa! I just wanted to ask ya something.”
Sakusa expectantly waited for him to continue.
“Huh so, I was wondering if maybe ya wanted to go to this new café with me?”
Why was he so nervous?
Sakusa’s eyes grew from surprise:
“Don’t you want to go with one of your friends?”
Atsumu put his hand above his heart in mock offence “Ya wound me Sakusa! I thought we were already friends!”
Sakusa’s mouth opened in a cute o-shape as if the possibility of someone wanting to be friends with him was inconceivable.
And just like that, that feeling of unease crept back inside of Atsumu’s chest, but he quickly pushed it back down and gave Sakusa a sweet smile.
“I just thought I could use some quiet. And I love Bokuto and Hinata but they’re not really the ones I would go for to spend some quiet time with.”
That owed him an amused chuckle from Sakusa.
“I guess you’re right.”
“So you’ll come?”
“Sure.”
The walk to the coffee shop was short, and they were soon in front of a big wooden door leading into a place that looked more like a library than a café. The strong smell of coffee hit Atsumu’s nose as soon as he opened the door, and the loud chatter of other patrons filled his ears. The place was full of college students and couples, which made sense given that the university was close by. However, he managed to find them a place to sit, in a corner near a window giving a nice view of the street they had been walking on.
Atsumu sat down and watched in bewilderment as Sakusa took out a sanitising wipe to clean the chair he was about to sit on. How extra could this guy be? Atsumu restrained from commenting, he had to be nice. Once they were both seated they looked through the menu and Atsumu went to order for both of them. If he was going to woo Sakusa, he was going to do it right by paying for his drink. However, when he came back, Atsumu could sense a tension that wasn’t there before. He sat down across from Sakusa and saw that his teammate’s shoulders seemed more tense than usual and his frown deeper.
“Are ya okay? Ya look a little tense?”
“I’m fine,” Sakusa mumbled.
“Are ya sure?”
Sakusa looked up and snapped.
“I said I was fine.”
Jeez, Atsumu was trying to be nice and that’s how he was treated? He bit his tongue, he didn’t want to get into an argument now, that would go against the whole purpose of their outing.
“How do ya feel about next season?”
Sakusa visibly relaxed at the question.
“Good. We’ve improved a lot. I'm not concerned.”
Atsumu smiled, glad he was able to stir away from a potential fight. They kept talking until the name for their order was called. Atsumu went to grab their drinks but he was still annoyed with Sakusa’s rudeness. If he didn’t want to go he should’ve said so. He tried to calm down and forget about it and almost started to think maybe he had overreacted when a worker came to clean the table right next to theirs. She was walking around the chair when her arm brushed Sakusa’s own. If Atsumu thought he had seen Sakusa get angry before, he quickly realised how wrong he was.
“Don’t touch me,” Sakusa said through gritted teeth.
“Excuse me sir?” The worker asked, clearly surprised by Sakusa’s tone.
“I said don’t touch me!”
Atsumu watched, completely at a loss, as Sakusa started to shake with anger and another emotion Atsumu couldn’t quite place.
“Please forgive him! He’s just a little sensitive about his personal space!”
The girl gave a tense smile and retreatedbehind the counter. Atsumu realised that everyone was now looking at them, so he stood up and ushered Sakusa to do the same. He walked out of the coffee shop as fast as he could, feeling embarrassed about his teammate’s outburst.
“What was that about?” he asked as soon as Sakusa joined him outside. Atsumu looked at him and saw how small he looked.
“I just got overwhelmed.”
You can’t just scream at people every time you get overwhelmed! Atsumu thought. But he knew saying it wouldn’t do any good.
“It’s fine, let’s just walk ya home okay?” He sighed. He and Sakusa lived a 10 minutes walk away from each other.
“Okay.”
The walk back home was tense and once Atsumu said goodbye and entered his apartment, he realised that maybe Sakusa Kiyoomi really was an asshole.
So he did what he did anytime he got a little upset or in this case, downright furious: he called Osamu.
“Hi my dear brother, how may I assist ya on this beautiful day?”
“I thought I was wrong about him but I was actually right! I know better than to doubt myself!”
Atsumu heard some rustling on the line as if Osamu was climbing into his bed, followed by a deep sigh.
“What are ya doing?”
“I’m making myself comfortable. Ya tend to talk even more than usual when it’s about Sakusa.”
“How did ya know I wanted to talk about Sakusa?”
“The only person that upsets ya these days is him. He’s all ya talk about.”
“He is not!”
“Suit yerself. So what happened?”
“Nothing, it’s not about Sakusa,” Atsumu says, eager to prove his brother wrong.
He was met with silence at the other end of the line.
“Ugh! Okay so ya know how I said I would try to be nicer to him?”
“That’s not what I remember but please keep going.”
“So today we went to a coffee shop, right? And he was so rude! He even yelled at one of the baristas when all she did was barely touch his arm!”
“Okay…”
“What do ya mean okay? He’s an asshole, side with me here!”
“Tsumu, I wasn’t there okay? I don’t know what happened or why he yelled at the worker. I’m not saying what he did was right, but are ya sure there is not a reasonable explanation?”
“The only explanation there is is that Sakusa Kyioomi is an asshole!”
“Ya said that already.”
“Because it’s true!”
“Says the one who vowed to break someone’s heart out of spite.”
“That’s not the same!”
“Whatever helps ya sleep at night. Was that all ya wanted to tell me?”
“Yes, I guess.”
“Then goodbye, I have things to do.”
“Wait-.”
Atsumu didn’t have time to argue and heard the line go dead.
“Stupid Osamu, I shouldn’t have called him,” he mumbled to himself.
Why was he the only one who realised how bad of a person Sakusa was? All of his doubts about his plan went away. He was going to go through with it and any time Sakusa acts nice, or anytime Atsumu starts to enjoy his company, all he will have to do is remember what Sakusa’s true nature is.
What happened today was proof enough that his teammate’s heart was rotten.
He knew he was probably making it a bigger deal than it actually was, but something about Sakusa made him inexplicably angry. His heart would beat faster and he no longer had any control over his temper. He didn’t know why someone was able to affect him that much and he didn’t want to think about it.
So calling Sakusa an asshole and hating him made everything easier.
✽
Things were a little awkward at practice the next day.
Atsumu didn’t really know how to act towards Sakusa, and Sakusa seemed like he wanted to say something, but was too afraid to do so. The awkwardness didn’t impact the way they played so no one really said anything about it.
When practice ended Atsumu rushed to the locker room, eager to go back home and forget about how weird the day had been. However, once he stepped into the shower, he realised that he would have to talk to Sakusa in order to go through with his plan.
He knew he was effortlessly charming, but even he needed to put in effort to make someone fall in love with him. Why did he put so much effort into hurting Sakusa? He didn’t want to dwell on it too much and quickly began to scrub all of his sweat away. He only realised how long he stayed under the warm spray when he stepped out and saw that almost everyone else had already left. He sighed and quickly got dressed. He was surprised to see Sakusa waiting for him when he opened the locker room door.
“Miya,” Sakusa said, looking everywhere but at Atsumu.
“Hi Sakusa! What’s up!” He cringed at how fake his own voice sounded.
Sakusa shifted a bit and finally looked up to meet Atsumu’s gaze:
“I wanted to talk to you about what happened yesterday.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
“I don’t think I understand?” Atsumu said, genuinely confused. He had been mad at how rude Sakusa had been, yes, but he didn’t know why he would have felt uncomfortable.
“It’s just that, I know I can be a lot to deal with. I’m sorry you had to witness that. I tend to get easily overwhelmed in public places.”
Atsumu just looked at him. He must have looked funny, with his eyes wide open and his slightly parted lips. Atsumu felt bad for Sakusa, he hated that the other man thought he was a lot. But then he hated Sakusa for making him feel bad, he hated how easy it was for the other to just apologise and play the victim.
What was the goal here? Did he want Atsumu to feel guilty? To be empathetic and forget how rude he had been to the barista? Also, what did he mean by “witness that”? Did he scream at people regularly?
He took a deep calming breath and decided to stay as friendly as he could.
“Ya don’t have to apologise, yer not a lot to deal with! I think ya just caught me off guard that’s all. Next time we won’t go to that coffee shop haha.”
He tried really hard to keep his tone as light as possible. Then he saw Sakusa’s eyes widen.
“Next time?”
Was that all he took away from Atsumu’s answer?
“Yes! We should hang out more!”
If Atsumu didn’t know Sakusa he would have been sure he saw a blush forming on the other’s cheeks.
“Oh. Well, I’d like that.”
Sakusa smiled and Atsumu tried his best to ignore the warmth blossoming in his chest.
“Where should we go next?” He asked instead.
“Maybe somewhere a bit more quiet? I don’t really like being around too many other people.”
Sakusa added that last part quietly. Atsumu kind of understood that Sakusa was not the best with people, probably due to his assholeness.
“We could hang out at my place?” He saw the unimpressed look on Sakusa’s face and quickly added, “I mean, we live close to each other and it would be quieter than a coffee shop! I also have a big TV so we could watch a movie or something?”
Sakusa’s face turned a light pink colour:
“Yes, I mean… It makes sense. I’d like that.”
“Okay then!”
“Okay.”
They stood there, looking at each other in an awkward silence. Surprisingly, Sakusa was the first to break it.
“Do you want to walk home together?”
Atsumu saw hope glimmer in his teammates’ eyes, and for the 100th time since that first call with Osamu, he felt a weird sense of guilt growing in his stomach. But it was too late to back down now, so he locked eyes with Sakusa and replied with all the confidence he could muster.
“Sure!”
✽
They watched a movie together a few days later. Atsumu insisted they watch Spirited Away after he learned that Sakusa never watched any Ghibli movies.
“We have to watch them all! I will not accept being yer friend if yer this uncultured!”.
He remembered the way Sakusa had smiled at the word “friend”.
And so, they started to meet at least once a week to watch movies, talk, or just do nothing together. Osamu had started to notice how close Atsumu and Sakusa had become and when asked about it, Atsumu just replied “Ya know about my plan! Of course, I have to spend time with him for it to work out!”. Osamu had given him an unreadable look that kept Atsumu awake the following night.
Osamu didn’t know anything about how he felt. His brother didn’t have to agree with his plan, but Atsumu didn't like the look he had given him.
It was as if Osamu knew something Atsumu didn’t.
Atsumu made sure to regularly remind himself what his end goal was, and at first, he did. But then that first week of meetings outside practice turned into two weeks, then three. The weeks turned into months and when Atsumu started to see cherry trees blossom outside his door he realised that he and Sakusa had been meeting regularly for the last three months.
However, his wavering plan to break Sakusa’s heart completely shattered the day Sakusa’s building went into renovation. Now, how could some housework completely change the trajectory of Atsumu’s life you may ask? The answer could be found in the corner of the MSBY changing room:
“Oh man that sucks!” Bokuto said as he stood in front of Sakusa with his hands on his hips.
“Yeah… I’m so sorry you have to go through that. I know how much you love your space!”
Atsumu looked at his teammates with a questioning gaze.
“What are y’all talking about?”
“Sakusa’s building got completely flooded. Apparently, a pipe broke in an apartment on the top floor,” Meian quickly replied.
“Yeah, and now he has to find somewhere to live!” Hinata jumped in.
“Huh, that sucks,” Atsumu replied, and it really did. Even he could empathise with Sakusa for something like that. No one wants to have to find a new place on such short notice.
“Are you going to stay with your cousin?” Bokuto was clearly worried about Sakusa’s living situation.
“He moved back to Tokyo a few months ago.” Now that Atsumu paid more attention he could hear slight distress in Sakusa’s voice.
“Damn, finding somewhere to live is gonna be expensive.” Atsumu only realised he voiced his thoughts out loud when Hinata said.
“You’re right Atsumu, maybe one of us could welcome him! How long will the renovations take?”
“They estimated it to take 3 weeks.”
“That’s not too long, one of us could definitely help,” Meian said, pensive. And Atsumu knew he had lost a battle he didn’t even know was occurring when his captain’s gaze landed on him, before giving him a sweet genuine smile.
“Atsumu! You could help him! You guys grew so close in the last 3 months! I’m sure Sakusa would feel more comfortable staying with you, right?” He said, looking back at Sakusa.
And to Atsumu’s horror, instead of a disgusted look paired with a snarky remark, Sakusa’s lips stretched into a small smile, and in a quiet voice he replied:
“I guess I would.”
And how could Atsumu say no to that without looking like an asshole? So he did the only thing he could in this situation, he said yes.
✽
That is how Atsumu found himself standing in his kitchen, watching Sakusa bring box after box into the already tiny space.
“Ya sure have a lot of stuff!” He tried to sound as light as he could, even when he saw his place being swarmed by unknown objects.
“Oh. Sorry, I do use a lot of things.” Sakusa nervously scratched his neck and lowered his gaze. Why did he have to make Atsumu feel guilty even when he clearly was in the right?
“It’s fine! Yer only here for 3 weeks!”
“You’re right, still I can’t thank you enough and I really don’t want to be imposing.”
“Yer not! Don’t worry! Make yerself at home!”
Atsumu gave a strained smile before trying to look casual as he retreated to his bedroom. If he used his pillow to muffle a loud scream, that’s between him and his four walls.
✽
Living with Sakusa took some… adjusting.
Atsumu started living alone right after graduating high school. He and Osamu decided they wanted to stop being so codependent and they both wanted to grow as their own person, without constantly being associated with the other. It was scary at first, but instead of growing apart, they grew closer. They actually had things to talk about now, things that the other hadn’t witnessed or been a part of. They had different friends and different hobbies, and it was fun to have things to share with each other.
Atsumu grew to enjoy being independent and living on his own. He made his own rules and no one was there to disturb his routine.
This is why the first week of sharing his apartment with Sakusa hadn’t been pleasant. Sakusa’s routine clashed with Atsumu’s.
When Atsumu was still in a deep slumber, Sakusa was waking up to go on his morning run, disturbing Atsumu’s sleep in the process. When Atsumu was still wide awake, Sakusa was getting ready to sleep and Atsumu had to retreat to his bedroom so as to not disturb the sleeping man on his couch.
They decided that Sakusa would sleep on the couch while Atsumu kept his bed. At first, Atsumu had offered to let his teammate sleep in his bedroom, knowing his mom would have his head if she ever learned he let a guest sleep in his living room. But Sakusa had quickly turned the offer down, already feeling guilty for taking up so much space.
The point is, Atsumu was banished from his living room the second it turned 9pm and he wasn’t too happy about it. He had talked to Osamu about the issue to which his brother replied “he already has to sleep on yer ratty couch, stop complaining because ya switched from doing nothing in yer living room to doing nothing in yer bedroom.”
Atsumu had been offended, his life was exciting! What if he wanted to bring someone home? Or invite some friends over? Not that he ever has in the 9 months he lived in this specific apartment but still.
The routine issue was one thing, but after two days of living with Sakusa, Atsumu also noticed the need for his teammate to clean at all times. Whenever Atsumu saw Sakusa, the man was either sweeping the floors, scrubbing the counters, or cleaning the windows. And it had only been two days! The apartment was spotless after the first round, there was no need to deep clean again the day after! Atsumu supposed having someone clean his apartment could be worse, but what really set him off was that Sakusa felt like he had to criticise all of Atsumu’s cleaning habits:
Atsumu was doing the dishes: “You don’t use enough soap Miya.”
Atsumu was cleaning the bathroom: “You shouldn’t use a sponge to clean mirrors, use a cloth instead.”
Atsumu was doing the laundry: “That’s not the right cycle to clean sheets.”
And it went on and on and on. Atsumu was reaching his limits and he couldn’t promise he would stay calm if Sakusa couldn’t keep his comments to himself. The worst part about all this was that Sakusa didn’t seem to notice how annoyed it made Atsumu. He sounded genuine like he really wanted to help Atsumu improve his cleaning abilities.
And Atsumu did not need help, thank you very much. And as much as it annoyed him, Atsumu hated confrontation, so there was no way he would bring this up.
However, Atsumu did bring it up. Listen, Atsumu is a proud man, and one thing he’s extremely proud of are his folding abilities. Shirts, jeans, slacks, Atsumu could fold anything perfectly, even his mom said so. So when Sakusa looked at Atsumu’s neatly folded pile of clothes with a frown and said:
“You know, I could show you a tip or two on how to fold your clothes.”
Atsumu lost it.
“I will need ya to shut up!” He screamed looking straight into Sakusa’s eyes. However, the look of pure shock and sadness he was met with quickly cooled him down.
“Sorry! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scream at ya like that.” Atsumu said, looking at the ground, ashamed of his outburst.
“I’m sorry too, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to help.” Sakusa said, biting his lip.
Atsumu sighed,
“I know ya did. It’s just that yer very persistent with yer comments. And even if ya just want to help, it makes me feel like I’m not doing anything right. It makes me feel bad.”
Atsumu thought blunt honesty was the best way to go, as Sakusa didn’t seem to read between the lines.
“Oh. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know or else I would’ve stopped. I genuinely just wanted to help. I feel bad living here for free and I thought I could help with housework.”
“It’s okay,” Atsumu said and was surprised to notice he really meant it.
Things got quiet after that talk. They both learned how to share the space and even if he hated to admit it, Atsumu was starting to enjoy Sakusa’s presence. The homey feeling that Sakusa’s never-ending book collection brought to the previously cold apartment, the smell of Sakusa’s shampoo filling the space after a long shower, Sakusa’s laughs at Atsumu’s bad commentary on whatever show they might be watching, and Sakusa’s soft snores when he inevitably starts to fall asleep in front of the TV. All these little things were making Atsumu’s soft spot for his teammate grow at a scary pace. The less he thought about hurting Sakusa with his plan and the more he wondered why he ever made it in the first place. Atsumu woke up to the sound of water running. He got out of his bedroom and caught sight of Sakusa busying himself with the dishes. A small smile appeared on Atsumu’s lips at the domesticity of it all, but a frown quickly replaced it as he saw the way Sakusa was hunching over the sink. Sakusa was known for his impeccable posture, so seeing him hunched over like that was extremely unusual, almost worrying.
“Morning Sakusa!”
“Good morning Miya.” Sakusa’s voice sounded strained, which made Atsumu's worry increase.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.” Sakusa gave him a weak smile.
Atsumu was about to drop the subject when he saw Sakusa wince as he bent down to put the plates away.
“Is yer back hurting ya?”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just put some heat patches on later.”
“So yer back does hurt,” Atsumu said, crossing his arms.
“Yes, but it’s nothing to worry about.”
“I didn’t ask ya if I should be worried, I asked if it hurt. Which it obviously does.”
“Yes it hurts. Why are you pushing this?” Sakusa sighed, growing impatient.
“Yer a pro athlete, Sakusa. Of course, I want to make sure yer in peak condition!” I hate seeing you hurt, he wanted to add.
“Thanks for the concern Miya, but there’s nothing much to do. I’ll see the physical trainer this week.”
Atsumu nodded, satisfied with the answer. He walked over to the couch and lay down with a deep sigh. He wasn’t used to waking up this early. He moved around a bit, trying and failing to find a comfortable position. That’s when it hit him, of course Sakusa would have back pain sleeping on this shitty couch! Atsumu quickly got up and walked back to the kitchen.
“Why didn’t ya say anything ya dumbass!”
“Huh?” Sakusa replied, clearly stunned.
“The couch! That’s why yer back is hurting! You’ve been sleeping on the couch for almost a week!”
“Umm… Yes?”
Atsumu let out a frustrated groan.
“I’m moving ya to my room.”
Sakusa dropped the dish towel he was holding and started to splutter:
“You don’t have to! It’s fine! I’m only here for two more weeks!”
“I’m not letting ya sleep on the couch for two more weeks Sakusa. It’s non-negotiable! I’ll sleep on it.”
“You just said it was uncomfortable? Why would you sleep there?”
“Because yer my guest and someone has to sleep on it. Where else would I be sleeping?”
“Your bed?”
“But you’ll be sleeping on my bed!”
“It’s a big bed.”
Atsumu’s mouth shut with an audible click.
“It is a pretty big bed.”
This is how Atsumu found himself lying on the far side of his bed, trying really hard not to touch the warm body resting next to him. The atmosphere was tense and awkward, even Atsumu’s attempt at small talk failed miserably as Sakusa’s answers consisted of grunts and other sounds but definitely no words. Atsumu barely slept that night, too focused on the fact that he was sleeping in the same bed as the man he was supposed to hate, even though this last statement stopped being true a while ago, not that Atsumu will ever admit it to himself.
After that first night of sharing a bed together, it felt like something shifted in their relationship. It’s like sharing a bed and some part of their intimacy created a balance, a harmony in their habits. Sakusa no longer commented on every little thing Atsumu did, and Atsumu stopped being bothered by Sakusa’s weird sleep schedule. Atsumu even started to find comfort in sharing a space with someone else.
He hadn’t realised how lonely coming to an empty apartment every night could get.
The days blended into each other as they found that new quiet routine. The past few days had been so busy for Atsumu, that he hadn’t really thought about taking time to himself. This is how he found himself letting out a loud gasp as he took the time to look at himself in the mirror. After the initial shock had passed, Atsumu glared at the dark roots that had started to grow back in the past few weeks. He still had the right supplies from the last time he did his hair and was tempted to just dye it himself, but a quick flashback to the high school version of himself walking around with dry yellow hair made him grimace. He pulled out his phone and went through his contacts, wondering who he should call to help him.
Samu was the best option, but he was probably working right now.
Hinata and Bokuto were out of the question, he adored them but he would never trust them with a bottle of bleach.
His mind went to his last obvious choice, at least he is extremely thorough, Atsumu thought with a shrug.
“Sakusa!” He screamed, pocking his head out of the bathroom doorframe.
“Yes?”
“Can ya come here for a second?”
“I was about to go on a walk, can’t it wait a bit?”
“No can’t do, it’s an emergency!”
That is how he found himself sitting in his bathroom with a very confused Sakusa:
“This was your emergency?”
“I knew ya wouldn’t come if I told ya the truth! And it is an emergency! Do ya want me to walk around with outgrown roots!” Atsumu whined.
“I’ve never done this before, are you sure you want me to do it?” Sakusa sighed, sounding unsure.
“Of course! I trust ya and I know you’ll do a good job!”
Atsumu couldn’t help but internally coo at the cute blush that was spreading over Sakusa’s cheeks.
“Okay, let me just read the instructions.”
Atsumu rolled his eyes:
“Of course, ya would read the instructions.”
“Do you want me to give you a chemical burn? Now sit still and let me do my job.”
Atsumu chuckled and tried to behave. It's not every day Sakusa Kiyoomi would be touching his hair. The thought made him freeze.
Sakusa Kiyoomi, the man he undeniably had developed a crush on, would be touching his hair. He felt his whole body flush.
“Is everything okay?”
Atsumu let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding
“Yep! I’m feeling peachy!”
Sakusa gave him a weird look but apparently decided to let Atsumu’s behaviour slide.
Sakusa soon mixed all the products and started to work on Atsumu’s hair. It was oddly relaxing, having someone touch his hair like that, it almost felt domestic.
He looked at his friend in the mirror, how his jet black hair was slightly falling over his eyes, how his tongue peaked out in concentration, how his long fingers were gently holding the brush above Atsumu’s head. And he realised how utterly gone he was for this man.
No one had ever made him feel that way. He never once thought Sakusa Kiyoomi would be the first person to turn him into a sappy mess.
Disappointment weighed heavily on his chest when Sakusa told him he was done. Atsumu gave him a soft smile and thanked him. They decided to watch an episode of their favourite sports anime while they waited for the bleach to lift.
Time went by too quickly and Atsumu found himself dropping to the ground as soon as Sakusa left for his walk.
He really was in trouble.
On the second week of Sakusa’s stay, a sense of domesticity appeared between the two men. Atsumu was still trying to recover from the fact that his thoughts on Sakusa went from “I hate this guy, he’s too annoying.” to “I hate this guy, he’s too cute.” The only positive thing that came out of all this, is that their chemistry on the volleyball court grew exponentially. It’s like they could read the other’s movement better than anyone else, in fact, they were so in sync that their coach congratulated them for “finally getting over their differences.” They also started to work even harder, energy fueled by their victories. Coming home late, after a particularly gruelling practice match, Atsumu and Sakusa decided to eat some leftovers and do nothing for the rest of the night.
Atsumu came out of the shower, enteredhis bedroom and saw Sakusa sitting on the bed, his back against the headboard, quietly reading a book. The big round-framed glasses that were almost falling from the bridge of his nose almost made him look cute. Almost cute. Atsumu took a deep sigh, that was something he needed to unpack later. When Sakusa noticed someone had entered the room, he looked up and gave Atsumu a tiny, almost shy smile. Atsumu smiled back.
He walked up to the bed and slipped next to Sakusa with practised ease. He wasn’t exactly sure when the awkwardness of sleeping so close to Sakusa faded. All he knew was that sleeping next to his teammate shouldn’t feel so relaxing.
Atsumu moved around a bit before finding a comfortable position to fall asleep.
“Should I turn off the light?” Sakusa asked, his eyes not leaving the book he was reading.
“Nah, yer fine. I’m not tired enough to sleep anyway.”
Sakusa decided to ignore the blatant lie,
“Suit yourself.”
They fell into a comfortable silence and Atsumu was content just watching Sakusa enjoy his book. His eyes then fell on the bedside table that Sakusa turned into a bookshelf. Atsumu stopped counting how many times he almost fell, tripping on a book that was lying around. He also realised he didn’t mind the little bits and pieces of Sakusa’s life that were now decorating his apartment. He shook his head and his mind drifted back to Sakusa’s book collection.
“Why do ya like reading so much?” Atsumu asked out loud, without really realising it.
Sakusa lowered his book and turned his head towards Atsumu, giving him his undivided attention. The act made Atsumu’s cheeks heat up.
“I don’t really know. I guess it’s a habit I picked up when I was younger and it never really went away.” Sakusa looked pensive so Atsumu gave him more time to gather his thoughts, “I guess I also like the idea of being able to escape the real world. Reading is the only time I’m truly not thinking about real-life problems. It’s relaxing. Why were you asking?”
Atsumu brought the covers higher up his chin, a little embarrassed of what he was about to admit.
“I don’t enjoy reading. So I guess I was just curious.”
“Maybe you didn’t find the right book?”
And Atsumu wanted to scream at Sakusa that finding the right book was not the issue here, but he knew it wouldn’t be fair. So instead he let out a frustrated sigh.
Sakusa perked up at the sound and his eyebrows creased in worry.
“Did I say something wrong?”
The sound of genuine concern in his voice almost made Atsumu angry. Why did he have to be so considerate?
“Ya didn’t.” He knew being mad at Sakusa for something he had no power over was childish, but he also didn’t know how to express what he was feeling. Was he jealous? Jealous that reading seemed to come so easily to Sakusa? He wasn’t sure.
“You look upset. Can you tell me what’s wrong? I’m sorry, I was told I wasn’t the best at reading people’s emotions. So it would really help if you could tell me what’s wrong.”
Atsumu’s mouth hung open. Was Sakusa trying to comfort him? And wasn’t that a lovely thought. How could Atsumu deny Sakusa after something like that?
“I’ve never told anyone about this, so please keep it to yerself.” Atsumu looked up and saw Sakusa give him a curt nod. “I’m dyslexic so reading is really hard fer me. I was the last one in my class that learned how to read, and when I did I was so slow everyone made fun of me for it. I guess I grew insecure about the way I read and it prevented me from reading more."
Atsumu took a deep sigh:
"There was this book series my brother was obsessed with in highschool. He would talk about it all the time, so I tried reading it to surprise him. I wanted to be able to talk to him about it. But I never finished the first volume. I was so frustrated with myself, I remember crying over the pages because of how stupid I felt. It was just a book for teenagers and I wasn’t even able to finish it.”
Atsumu felt dampness in his eyes. He thought this didn’t affect him anymore, but talking about it brought back all his insecurities.
“That’s why I don’t like reading. Sorry, that was a lot.” He said with an embarrassed chuckle.
He half expected Sakusa to tell him he was being dramatic but instead the other said unbothered:
“You’re not stupid Atsumu. Dyslexia is not something to be ashamed of. And your struggle with reading doesn’t make you any less intelligent.”
Atsumu felt a tear roll down his cheek. It probably sounded silly, but no one had really taken the time to understand how psychologically challenging having dyslexia could be. And yet, Sakusa had said everything Atsumu had ever wanted to hear.
“Have you tried listening to audiobooks?” Sakusa asked, not commenting on Atsumu’s crying.
“I have. But it sounds too dull and cold. I can’t seem to feel anything because the voice sounds too far away. Does that make any sense?
“It does actually. I’m not a fan of audiobooks myself.”
And that’s when Sakusa offered the weirdest, yet nicest thing anyone has ever offered a grown man.
“Do you want me to read to you?”
“Ya really would?” Atsumu asked in bewilderment.
“Yes, If that’s something you would like. I’m thinking if someone is reading out loud next to you, it would be easier for you to get into the story?”
The tears that stopped falling were ready to come back out. Atsumu had not felt this safe and loved in a long time. With his brother being busy with his restaurant and him being a full-time pro athlete, he didn’t really get the chance to spend time with people who truly cared for him. His teammates were all nice, but he’d never shown this side of him to any of them. Well, except for Sakusa. When had he become so comfortable around the other? When was the last time he was truly annoyed by Sakusa? All the thoughts that were rushing through his head made him oblivious to Sakusa calling his name.
“Miya? Are you okay?”
Atsumu shook his head and put a small smile on his face. He wasn’t ready to unpack all that yet. Especially not with the reason for his torments.
“Sorry, I was lost in thought. Yes, I’d like that.”
Atsumu swore he saw a small blush appear on Sakusa’s cheeks.
“What do you want me to read to you?”
Atsumu hummed and quickly stood up, knowing exactly which book he wanted Sakusa to read. He returned to bed as quickly as he left it, shoving the book in Sakusa’s lap and laying back down on his side so that he could have a full view of Sakusa’s face.
“Is that the book your brother likes?” Sakusa asked.
Atsumu felt a blush crawl on his cheeks and the smirk on Sakusa’s face showed that he noticed it too.
“Let’s read it then.”
Sakusa’s voice filled the room and Atsumu tried really hard not to let his heart beat too fast.
He sounded very different from when he usually spoke. His voice was softer and less tense, Atsumu thought it sounded nice. Sakusa’s voice was deep and grounding, his diction was clear and he gave meaning to every word he read. Atsumu was filled with a sense of safety, it reminded him of when his mom used to read him and Osamu to sleep. Sakusa used that same quiet tone, careful not to startle his listener who was trying not to fall asleep.
Atsumu thought back on all the people who knew the Sakusa who only gave short answers like he didn’t want to waste his voice on people that didn’t deserve it. Like he would rather stay quiet than have to speak. He thought back on the people who only knew the Sakusa who was rude and haughty. He thought back on all the people that didn’t know Sakusa as he did, and that small thought brought a sense of possessiveness to his chest. As if this side of Sakusa was something to be protected and cherished. Atsumu brought his attention back to what Sakusa was reading, not wanting to miss any second.
He tried to focus on every word, every intonation, every breath, but it was getting harder when his body was screaming at him to fall asleep. So when Sakusa reached the end of the first chapter and quietly wished Atsumu a good night, Atsumu’s heart soared and he let out the softest sigh:
“Thank ya, Omi.”
Sakusa received a call the next morning, saying he could come back to his apartment,
“Weren't ya supposed to be able to go back at the end of the week?” Atsumu asked, trying to hide his disappointment.
“They worked faster than planned,” Sakusa replied, not sounding too happy about leaving either.
“Well, that’s good! Ya get to go back home! Ya won’t have to put up with me anymore!” Atsumu chuckled awkwardly.
“I never have to put up with you Miya,” Sakusa said, tilting his head to the side in confusion. Like it was obvious he enjoyed Atsumu’s company.
“Sakusa, yer being too nice.” Atsumu noticed a deep blush spreading over Sakusa’s cheeks. “What’s on yer mind?”
“Nothing,” Sakusa said, hiding his embarrassment behind a loud cough.
“Doesn’t look like nothing to me,” Atsumu teased, “Come on Sakusa! Tell me!”
“It’s just… I guess I thought you wouldn’t be calling me Sakusa anymore.”
“But, that’s yer name.” Atsumu grew confused.
“You don’t remember?” Sakusa said, a hint of disappointment in his voice.
“Remember what? Come on man! Yer driving me crazy!” Atsumu whined.
“Yesterday, you called me Omi.” And the flush came back in full force.
Atsumu gaped openly. Did he really let that slip? He only ever called Sakusa Omi in his head, surely he didn’t say it out loud? But if that were the case, how would Sakusa know?
“I… haha, it was probably a mistake. I was pretty tired last night.” Atsumu gave himself an imaginary pat on the back for saving the day. However, the look on Sakusa’s face told him he said the wrong thing.
“Hum, I’m sorry if I made ya uncomfortable calling ya that.”
“No! You did not, I actually liked it.” Sakusa admitted in a whisper.
Oh, Sakusa wanted Atsumu to call him Omi. Sakusa wanted Atsumu to give him a cute nickname. This Atsumu could get behind. A dangerous smirk grew on Atsumu’s lips.
“Is that so, Omi?” The pretty flush on Sakusa’s face darkened even more.
“Don’t look away. I’ll keep calling ya Omi on one condition.” Atsumu said, growing cocky.
“And what is that?” Sakusa asked, amused by Atsumu’s antics.
“Ya call me Atsumu.” Atsumu tried to sound confident but the slight tremor in his voice gave him away.
“I can do that, Atsumu.”
They both looked at each other, not really knowing what to do next.
“Great!” Atsumu said a little too loudly, trying to break the tension that was growing in the room.
“Great.” Sakusa chuckled.
They spent the rest of the day packing away Sakua’s stuff so he could move back home. When the time came, Atsumu stood in front of his building, watching him pack his last box at the back of a taxi. Even though they lived a few blocks away from one another, this was the most efficient solution they found.
Sakusa dusted his hands on his jeans and slowly walked towards Atsumu.
“Thanks again for letting me stay.” He said shyly.
“No problem man! It was nice having someone around.”
They awkwardly stood in front of each other for a few more seconds before Sakusa waved goodbye and climbed into the car.
When Atsumu locked the door to his apartment behind him, he threw himself on his couch and screamed.
He knew what he had to do.
✽
That first night without Sakusa was truly an eye-opener for Atsumu. He missed him so much. He missed him and all the things that are attached to him.
The sound of his voice, the heat of his body beside Atsumu as they fell asleep, his annoyingly big book collection that cluttered every corner of the apartment, and the smell of detergent taking over the bathroom after every shower.
He didn’t just miss him, Atsumu realised. He liked Sakusa, Atsumu was pretty sure he was close to loving him.
And so Atsumu laughed. He laughed at his own stupidity, at the way he convinced himself he hated the man he loves. At the way he came up with the most ridiculous plan of all time. Now he understood why Osamu was so tired of listening to him talk about the man he supposedly hated.
Atsumu quickly got dressed and stepped out of his apartment, knowing exactly who he should talk to about this revelation.
The door to Onigiri Miya opened and Atsumu was met with a loud voice coming from the kitchen:
“We’re not open yet! Come back in 30!”
“It’s me, dumbass!” Atsumu yelled back.
“Sorry. Don’t come back at all then!” Atsumu sighed and walked towards the voice. Osamu was sitting on a chair in the middle of the kitchen, scrolling on his phone.
“Shouldn’t ya be working?”
“Shouldn’t ya be leaving me alone?”
“Haha, very funny. I came here to talk to ya.”
That caught Osamu’s attention. He dropped his phone and pointed at a spare chair in the corner of the room. Atsumu slid it towards his brother and sat down in front of him.
“What’s up?” Osamu asked.
“It’s about Sakusa,”
Seeing the look on Osamu’s face, Atsumu put his hand up in surrender. “And before ya say anything, it’s not about that stupid plan.”
“Oh, so now yer genius plan is stupid huh?”
“Stop making fun of me. I’m trying to open up.”
Osamu rolled his eyes but nodded at Atsumu to keep talking.
“So, Omi left yesterday. And it made me realise I actually enjoyed his company. I guess I’ve always known I liked him, I just never wanted to admit it to myself. I feel so stupid now.” Atsumu sighed, dragging his hands down his face.
“So what? Do ya like him as a friend? Or more than that?”
“I think we’re way past liking. I don’t know how I didn’t realise it sooner.”
Osamu cocked an eyebrow at him, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“So yer telling me yer in love with him?”
Atsumu gave a tiny nod.
“May I remind ya of yer frantic call? How ya went on and on about how much of an asshole Sakusa was? How ya wanted to make him fall fer ya so ya could break his heart?”
“Don’t remind me of that! I was young and stupid.”
“That was a few months ago.”
“Shut up!”
They stayed like that for a few moments before Osamu broke the silence.
“I’m proud of ya.”
Atsumu looked up.
“I mean it. I know it’s hard for ya to let people in. I know I made fun of ya a lot for yer little obsession with Sakusa, but I knew it was yer way of coping. Ya never know how to act when ya like someone. It’s like ya don’t allow yerself to feel. Like yer scared people might push ya away if ya show them ya care.”
Atsumu looked at his brother, trying really hard to keep the tears at bay.
“I didn’t come here to get psycho analysed ya asshole.”
“Yeah, Yeah. I love ya too. Now get out of my kitchen. I'm opening in 10 minutes!”
“Aye aye. I’m going!”
Atsumu made his way towards the door, before stepping outside he turned around and yelled,
“Thank ya!”
He didn’t wait for an answer and walked back to his apartment. Everything will be alright.
✽
The next day Atsumu walked to practice with an extra spring in his step. He was nervous but also excited. He had decided to confess to Sakusa, or at the very least give his teammate an in for a possible romantic relationship. Atsumu felt pretty confident, and after all they’d been through he could see that Sakusa might like him back.
The changing room was oddly quiet when he stepped in but Atsumu didn’t give it too much thought, it was early, and apart from Sakusa no one in the team was really an early bird. He got to the gym and started his stretches. As more of his teammates entered the room he couldn’t help but feel some sort of tension building. He gave a questioning look to Hinata, to see if he felt it too, but to Atsumu’s surprise, Hinata quickly looked away, as if he was trying to avoid Atsumu’s gaze.
The more time went on, the more the unsettling feeling in Atsumu’s stomach grew. Sakusa was the last to arrive, which was odd as he usually was the first one to arrive. Atsumu walked up to him, excited to finally have a normal conversation and maybe understand what was going on.
“Hey, Omi!” Atsumu gave him his brightest smile. But instead of the shy smile Atsumu was getting used to receiving, he saw a deep frown on Sakusa’s face.
“Miya.”
Sakusa left, not letting Atsumu have the chance to talk. Atsumu’s anxiety only grew stronger. What was going on? Why was everyone giving him the cold shoulder? Practice was about to start soon and he couldn’t let himself get distracted, so Atsumu did the thing he always did when he started to feel upset - he shoved the unwanted sensation as far away as he could.
Practice went pretty smoothly, which helped calm Atsumu’s racing heart. He went to grab his water bottle and received a smile from Hinata. See? Everything was normal, he was probably overthinking it. He walked towards the changing room feeling a little lighter, but when he opened the door and everyone glared at him before going back to what they were doing, he understood that his first impressions were correct.
His teammates were mad at him. He felt a lump form in his throat, flashbacks from his middle school days rushing back inside his head. As much as he liked to say he didn’t care that people didn’t like him, it still hurt, of course it did. But standing there right then, looking at the people he called friends, sometimes even family, knowing he did something to upset them, hurt ten times more.
Atsumu stepped a little further inside the room and awkwardly cleared his throat.
“Hey, guys! What’s going on? You’ve all been acting weird and I’m starting to think I did something wrong.” Atsumu chuckled, trying to ease the tension.
Meian was the first one to speak.
“I usually don’t care for gossip. Of course, I want everyone in the team to get along, but as long as your differences don’t impact the way you play, I don’t really care. But I have to say that I am very disappointed in you, Atsumu.”
The silence that followed was heavy. Atsumu gulped, trying really hard to understand what was going on. Confusion must have been apparent on his face because Bokuto decided to speak.
“Sakusa told us what you did. I can’t believe you did something like that. I knew you could be a bit sneaky, but this is just cruel.”
Bokuto’s words pierced through Atsumu’s heart like a knife. How could he have upset one of the nicest people he knew? He looked at Sakusa, confused, searching the other’s eyes for an answer. Sakusa caught up to it.
“I went to Onigiri Miya yesterday. I had something to ask your brother.”
Understanding dawned on Atsumu. But it couldn’t be, right? His heart dropped as Sakusa went on.
“I heard you and Osamu talking the other day and how you think I’m an asshole. It’s alright now, you don’t need to pretend to be my friend anymore.”
Atsumu’s eyes filled with tears. Didn’t Sakusa hear when Atsumu told his brother how in love he was with him? Did Sakusa think all they did up until now had been fake? That Atsumu was playing with him all along?
That thought was enough to make Atsumu sick. He desperately tried to explain himself. Sakusa needed to understand that it was a misunderstanding.
“I wasn’t pretending! I swear Omi I… I don’t know what ya heard but it’s not what ya think!”
“I heard enough Miya. And please, it’s Sakusa to you.”
Atsumu could no longer stop the tears that fell down his cheeks.
“I did make that stupid plan, I’ll admit. But I never went through with it! I forgot all about it the moment we started to get close. I like being yer friend, I never lied to ya I swear!”
The look in Sakusa’s eyes told Atsumu that his teammate didn’t believe him. And then Sakusa began to cry. And Atsumu’s entire world crumbled. Sakusa never cried, he never showed his emotions on his face. And yet, Atsumu was the one to bring tears to his eyes.
Atsumu saw the entire team walk towards Sakusa like they were trying to protect him from Atsumu. The sight was too hard for him to bear, so he picked up his bag and started to walk out of the room. Before he left he turned back around, his fingers on the handle and he whispered the only thing he knew was true.
“I’m sorry.”
That night Atsumu lay down in bed, nervous laughter making its way out of his chest as tears rolled down his cheeks. His plan did work out in the end.
The next week was full of awkward glances and curt nods. No one had talked to Atsummu outside of practice yet. Atsumu knew that it made sense, what he did was horrible and of course, everyone would side with Sakusa.
Actually, he was glad everyone did. After seeing these tears roll down Sakusa’s cheeks, Atsumu was relieved to know that Sakusa had people to talk to, people to support him. But a part of Atsumu couldn’t help but feel hurt, even betrayed. No one came to him to ask how he was doing, or to ask for his side of the story. Everyone seemed to believe that he actually wanted to hurt Sakusa, even after spending all these months with him, even after they actually became close friends.
Then he reminded himself that he did want to hurt Sakusa, that he did want to manipulate him and break his heart in the most awful way possible. Sure, Atsumu didn’t go through with the plan, but he was the one who made it, he was the one who actually started it. Atsumu couldn’t help but feel filthy and rotten. All the comments people used to make about him being mean, arrogant, heartless, maybe they were true. Maybe Atsumu deserved to be left aside by his teammates.
This storm of insecurities grew stronger with each passing day. Atrumu hadn’t even talked to Osamu about it. He was afraid of what his brother would say. He knew that his brother would understand and help him, Osamu already knew everything, there was no reason for him to turn his back on Atsumu. But Atsumu couldn’t risk it, losing his friends was one thing, but he couldn’t bear the thought of his brother being disappointed in him. What if seeing how hurt Sakusa was made Osamu realise how awful Atsumu had been?
That’s how Atsumu found himself wallowing in self-pity the entire weekend.
Something changed the following Monday. Atsumu was going through his new routine of avoiding eye contact and only talking when strictly necessary when he noticed something. Small smiles and soft brown eyes stood out among deep frowns and intense glares. They felt like a peace offering and Atsumu greedily latched onto them. During the break, Hinata walked up to Atsumu. His face was welcoming, with no trace of hatred.
“Hi Atsumu!” The younger one said with a bright smile.
“Hey, Shoyo!” Atsumu felt happiness spread in his chest. He missed talking to his friend.
“How are you feeling?” Hinata asked, concern evident in his eyes.
Atsumu closed his eyes and tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. It felt like all he had been doing the past few days was crying. He managed to regain his composure and looked at Hinata again.
“I’m doing okay.” He lied. It felt wrong to say how he really felt. Like he was looking for pity, or for people to feel guilty about ignoring him.
“You’re allowed to be upset, Atsumu, I’m not here to judge you.”
And just like that, all of Atsumu’s walls crumpbed. Hinata was quick to grab his hand and slowly walk them to the corridor. Once they were out of sight of their team, Atsumu took a deep breath.
“I’m not doing great.” Hinata nodded like he already knew that was the case “I feel bad ya know? Guilty. I never wanted to hurt him.” Atsumu’s voice broke as he tried to conceal another sob.
“Can I hug you?” Hinata asked softly.
“Please.”
Atsumu felt strong arms wrap around his middle and he hid his face in the space between Hinata’s neck and face. They stayed like that for a while and Hinata didn’t say anything. It’s like he knew this was what Atsumu needed.
“I’m sorry,” Atsumu said as he took a step back.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” Hinata gave him that genuine smile Atsumu had been craving all week.
“But there is. And that’s the issue, isn’t it?”
Hinata took a deep breath.
“Listen, we were all very disappointed when Sakusa told us what happened. But it’s also obvious to me that you regret what you did. And I believe you when you say you stopped thinking about your initial plan early on.”
“Ya do?”
“Yes, everyone does. I think Sakusa does too.” Hinata added that last part with a soft smile.
“Ya really think he does?” Atsumu asked, hope starting to blossom in his chest.
“Yes. I think he knows that in the end, you really were his friend. But how can he know when you started to see him as such and not as a pawn in your game? You broke his trust Atsumu, and it will take time for you to earn it back.”
And it made so much sense. Of course, Sakusa would feel betrayed even if he knew Atsumu regretted everything. But how was Atsumu supposed to get back to how things were?
“Do ya think I should give him space? Or try to talk to him?”
“I think you should start by properly apologising to him. Then you’ll see how things go.”
Atsumu hugged Hinata again.
“Thank ya.”
“Anytime. You’re not alone, okay? You can come to me if you need someone to talk to.”
“Everyone hates me.”
“ The whole team asked me to come and check on you, but don’t tell them I said that.” Hinata whispered.
Atsumu let out a laugh, the first real one since his confrontation with Sakusa.
✽
After giving himself a pep talk, Atsumu went to talk to Osamu, who promptly told him he was a dumbass for thinking his own twin brother wouldn’t support him. That made Atsumu feel a little better.
All that was left to do was for him to actually talk to Sakusa. He didn’t really know how to go about it, so he decided to text him. If Sakusa was willing to talk, then he’d reply, if he wasn’t ready to face Atsumu, he could just ignore the text.
Atsumu: Hey Sakusa! I know you probably still need time, but I was wondering if you would like to talk. There are some things I really need to tell you. I’m not trying to find excuses, I just want to talk.
An hour passed and as Atsumu started to lose hope, his phone chimed.
Sakusa: I’m willing to hear what you have to say.
Atsumu let out a relieved sigh. He knew it didn’t mean Sakusa would forgive him, but he was happy he would be able to say what was on his heart.
They decided they would talk after practice the next day. Atsumu was nervous, he knew what he wanted to say but he didn’t want Sakusa to feel like he owed Atsumu anything. Atsumu really couldn’t mess this up.
Practise the next day felt like an eternity. His exhaustion added to the anxiety of talking to Sakusa got Atsumu on edge. Minutes felt like hours and he couldn’t wait for the coach to send them home. When the time finally came, Atsumu found himself next to a stiff Sakusa, waiting for everyone to leave the changing room, so they could have some sort of privacy.
Once the last of their teammates bid them goodbye, Atsumu awkwardly turned to face Sakusa. The other man was looking at him expectantly, so Atsumu took a deep breath and tried to remember all the things he wanted to say.
“I already told ya, but I am sorry. I know it probably doesn’t mean much to ya right now but it’s something I want ya to know.”
Atsumu kept his eyes on Sakusa, waiting for a reaction. As his teammate stayed silent, he added.
“I broke yer trust, and I understand that ya will need some time to forgive me. If ya ever do. What I did was stupid, and I can’t even explain what went through my mind. I used to think I hated ya, and I wanted to hurt ya,” Atsumu let out a laugh, but it sounded hollow. “And I truly hate that I wanted to hurt ya. And it’s so frustrating, ya know? Because I want to be able to give ya a proper explanation, a proper apology, but I don’t understand it myself. What I did was…” Atsumu dragged his hands down his face, “I don’t know why I did it.”
Atsumu looked up at Sakusa, expecting to see something dark, like hatred, or disdain, but what he saw was far worse. Sakusa looked exhausted and gave Atsumu a soft smile. Like he didn’t have the strength to deal with Atsumu anymore like he was ready to say goodbye. Atsumu felt a shiver run down his spine, he wanted Sakusa to scream, to cry, to ask why, at least that would prove he still cared. Atsumu hated to see the resignation in Sakusa’s eyes.
“I know you’re sorry,” Sakusa said, softly.
“You do?”
Sakusa nodded, “I believe you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. But you did.”
Sakusa’s eyes welled up with tears. Atsumu felt his own eyes water at the sight.
“What can I do?”
“I don’t know Miya,” Sakusa said with a shrug.
“Will ya ever forgive me? Will we ever go back to how we were?” Atsumu was growing desperate, he needed to know if he truly ruined everything.
“I don’t want to give you false hope.”
“I just want to know if you’ll ever stop hating me. Please tell me ya will.” Atsumu felt hot tears roll down his cheeks.
“I couldn’t hate you even if I tried. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let you back in.”
“I’ll show ya. I’ll show ya that ya can trust me again.” Atsumu said, a determined look in his eyes.
Sakusa chuckled softly, “I’ll be waiting.”
Atsumu watched as Sakusa left the room. It went better than expected, but he knew he would have to work hard to regain Sakusa’s trust.
And that’s what Atsumu did for the next few months.
Eventually, his relationship with his other teammates improved until it was back to how things were before. But he couldn’t say the same thing about his relationship with Sakusa. At first, they continued to ignore each other, then they started to act like teammates again and they grew friendly. However, Atsumu wasn’t sure if he could call themselves friends, it’s like they downgraded to acquaintances. It was hard to accept, as Atsumu knew every little quirk of Sakusa’s personality. Sometimes Atsumu thought he was the one who knew Sakusa best, maybe that’s why Atsumu was the one able to hurt him.
Weeks passed and nothing really changed. They gave each other small smiles, but Sakusa was never the one to initiate them. Atsumu knew that if he stopped trying to get closer to Sakusa, the other would just let him slip away. And that thought hurt him more than he thought it would.
After spending another night crying himself to sleep, Atsumu couldn’t take it anymore. He had been patient, giving Sakusa some space, rebuilding some sort of friendship with him, and being more honest, softer, and nicer. Atsumu gave his all to save his relationship with Sakusa, but it’s like the other man was content with leaving it as it was.
Atsumu was having none of it. He knew it was selfish but he would rather never talk to Sakusa again than be stuck in this weird limbo between strangers and friends, it hurt too much. Being so close to Sakusa and yet so far away felt like torture to Atsumu.
That’s why he decided to confront the other man. Atsumu asked Sakusa if he wanted to hang out at his apartment, something they started doing again a few weeks ago. Sakusa agreed easily, which helped Atsumu relax. It took a while for Sakusa to be comfortable enough to spend time with Atsumu alone.
Atsumu was nervously pacing around his house, waiting for Sakusa to arrive. He ran to the door as soon as he heard the first knock, not caring if he looked too eager.
“Hey!” Atsumu said, a little breathless.
“Hi,” Sakusa replied with a small smile.
Atsumu walked them toward his couch and gestured to Sakusa to sit beside him. The silence was tense, Atsumu’s anxiety filling up every corner of the room. Sensing the awkwardness, Sakusa spoke first.
“What’s up? You look nervous.”
Atsumu took a deep breath.
“I wanted to talk to ya about our relationship.”
“Our relationship?”
“Yes, what are we Sakusa?”
Atsumu saw confusion in Sakusa’s eyes.
“Friends?” The statement came out as a question.
“Are we?” Atsumu asked, his voice coming out a lot softer and more vulnerable than he would’ve liked.
“Yes, I don’t know where you’re getting at ?”
“Ya don’t know?” Atsumu knew he should keep his voice down, but the frustration that had been bubbling up for the last few months was making it hard to stay calm. “We call each other by our last names, ya only agreed to hang out with me alone a few weeks ago, and when we’re together ya refuse to look me in the eyes!” Atsumu was getting more worked up the more he talked, “That’s what ya call being friends? Ya still don’t trust me Sakusa. And it’s breaking my heart.”
“So I’m the one breaking your heart?” Sakusa’s voice was the loudest Atsumu had ever heard it. “You faked being my friend, Miya! You made a fool out of me and played with my feelings like they didn’t mean anything to you!”
“I apologised! And I thought ya were starting to forgive me!”
“Listen, I think we’re both too upset to be having this conversation. I don’t want to fight with you.” Sakusa said as he made a move to stand up from the couch. However, Atsumu grabbed his wrist and forced him back down.
“No! We’re having this conversation, or else we’ll never be able to move on.”
“So this is what you want? Moving on? You want me to forgive you so you can have a clear conscience? Is that all this is to you?”
“That’s not what I said and ya know it! Don’t try making me look like the villain here. I’m trying to mend our friendship, but yer not helping!” Atsumu was letting all his pent-up anger out, not caring about the harshness of his words.
Saksua let out a humourless snort. “Wow, you’re the one who fucked up and you still manage to put the blame on me? I don’t trust you, Miya, you’re right. But whose fault is that?”
“Can we please stop talking about my dumb mistake and look at all I’ve been doing ever since? To be honest I don’t even know why yer still so caught up on it. I faked being yer friend for what? Two weeks? And ya make it look like it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to ya!”
“Because it is!” Sakusa screamed, tears rolling down his cheeks, “You made me fall in love with you, you asshole!”
Atsumu’s mouth shut with an audible click.
“You made me fall in love with you, and then I realised that everything we did together meant nothing to you.” Sakusa was desperately trying to wipe away his tears with the back of his hands.”
“Ya fell in love with me?” Atsumu said, stunned.
“Don’t act like you didn’t know. You can be as much of an asshole as you want but please, don’t act like you didn’t know.”
A thousand thoughts ran through Atsumu’s head. Sakusa loved him? Or at least he used to. Atsumu felt his heart squeeze in the most unpleasant way. He knew he hurt Sakusa, but this changed everything. He broke his heart. Atsumu held the heart of the man he loved most and he broke it.
“I swear I didn’t.” Atsumu’s voice was pleading.
“Then you’re more of an idiot than I thought you were.” The tears in Sakusa’s eyes subdued but the hurt in his eyes was stronger than ever.
Atsumu fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He had nothing to lose, he already ruined one of the best things that ever happened to him, the least he could do was be honest.
“I think I fell in love with ya too, ya know?”
“Please, don’t.”
Atsumu cut Sakusa and added,
“I don't know why I still haven’t told ya this, I should have a long time ago.”
Expectant eyes stared right at him.
“Ya know what I was doing that one time ya came to Onigiri Miya?” Atsumu asked, not expecting Sakusa to answer. “I was telling him about how much I liked ya. How I fell in love with the guy I used to hate.” Atsumu let out a wet chuckle, “I was planning on confessing the next day at practice, but well… ya know what happened next.”
Sakusa didn’t say anything for a while, clearly trying to process everything.
“So you loved me?” His voice was hoarse from all the screaming.
“I’m pretty sure I still do.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.” Sakusa said, the hurt in his voice making it hard for Atsumu to not cry, “I don’t really have any friends. I have acquaintances, family, but I don’t have friends. You were my first. You were the first person I ever truly opened up to. I told you about my insecurities, I came to your house, and I slept in your bed. It’s hard for me to let people in, but I trusted you so I did. I showed you parts of me I never showed anyone else and you didn’t even stop to look. I laid myself bare for you. I just… I don’t know if I can do this.”
Atsumu ran on autopilot, trying to save the unsalvageable, “I’m trying really hard here Sakusa. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep seeing ya every day now that I know what could’ve been. I love ya, this I’m sure of. And it won’t go away, it’s too strong. I don’t think I’m strong enough to watch ya go,” Atsumu’s voice was just a whisper, “I’ll do anything, please.”
Atsumu felt strong arms wrap around his waist and soon his face was resting against Sakusa’s chest.
“Please Sakusa, please.” The words were falling out of Atsumu’s mouth in an almost inaudible mumble. Sakusa’s arms squeezed him harder.
“Miya…”
“Atsumu, please at least call me Atsumu.” Sakusa sighed deeply and Atsumu felt the heat of Sakusa’s breath fan over his neck.
“Atsumu, just promise me you won’t hurt me ever again.” Atsumu could hear the tears in Sakusa’s voice.
Atsumu felt hope blossom in his chest, “I promise! I swear I’ll take whatever yer willing to give me and never hurt ya again.”
Atsumu’s heart dropped when he felt Sakusa slowly backing away from the hug. However, all his anxiety went away as long slim fingers found a spot on his jaw. Sakusa’s touch was so soft and loving, Atsumu wasn’t sure he deserved it. Sakusa’s eyes were fixed on Atsumu’s lips, Atsumu leaned even closer, and the tiny nod Sakusa gave him was all it took for Atsumu to put his lips over Sakusa’s own.
Atsumu didn’t feel butterflies, his heart didn’t explode, and his whole world didn’t change, but what he did feel was peace. Feeling Sakusa’s lips slowly moving against his made him feel calm and serene. He also felt happiness and relief, all these emotions were swelling in his chest and brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes. Sakusa must have felt them because he slowly pulled away,
“Atsumu, are you okay? What’s going on?” Sakusa grew frantic, concern evident in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I’m just really happy.” Atsumu laughed as he wiped away his tears.
Sakusa smiled softly, putting his hands back on Atsumu’s cheeks,
“I’m happy too.”
They stayed like that for a while, sitting close, exchanging soft kisses, and talking in hushed whispers, like they were scared the moment would be broken if they raised their voices.
“I’m tired,” Atsumu said, the exhaustion of pouring his heart out to his crush finally creeping up on him.
Sakusa hummed, “I should get going then.”
Atsumu tightened his hold on Sakusa, “Please stay? Ya can borrow some clothes if ya want. I really don’t want ya to go.”
Sakusa’s smile grew wide, “ I’ll stay.”
They easily fell back into the routine they had when Sakusa first moved into Atsumu’s apartment, the only difference being the lingering touches and soft smiles. They quickly found themselves lying in Atsumu’s bed, their bodies tangled up in the soft sheets.
“We still need to talk.” Atsumu said, “I don’t want any more misunderstandings between us. I want ya to fully trust me again.”
Sakusa softly kissed the top of Atsumu’s head,
“Let’s keep things simple for tonight.”
“Okay.” Atsumu’s eyelids were heavy, “I love ya, Omi.”
“I love you too, Atsumu.”
For the first time in a while, Atsumu fell asleep with lightness in his heart.