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Han was pretty used to needing to be taken care of by his band mates, as well as going on short hiatuses without STAY knowing. This was his life since their debut as Stray Kids in 2018 and it was getting old.
Maybe “old” wasn’t the best word to use; it’s not that Jisung was annoyed because he required special treatment. No, he felt guilty.
Han saw the way his best friends jumped through hoops to accommodate him and his needs. He saw the way Chan pulled staff aside before interviews to explain and make sure they kept an eye on him. It didn’t go unnoticed how Minho would make him calming tea and give extra cuddles after a seizure or how Felix would give him a massage after a particularly bad day. Everyone had their own ways of helping Jisung, which most people would be jealous of him for all the pampering, but something Han learned at a young age was that indulgent things weren’t as fun when you actually need it.
”Hannie?” I.N waved his hand in front of Jisung’s face as if to snap him out of the daze he was in.
“Sorry, just spaced out for a sec.” The older man said dismissively.
”Come on, we’re on in five minutes. We gotta get back stage.” Chan called over to the two who now quickly walked after their leader. Han and I.N were the last ones seeing the tech crew to make sure their mics and in-ears worked as planned.
Jisung could already hear the music blasting, making his heart race. He was so nervous but excited at the same time. This was their first live performance in months and all the members were hyped to perform in front of STAYs again. Of course, Han wasn’t worried about his ability to perform, he was anxious at the prospect of completely forgetting the dance and/or lyrics in the middle of a song. It definitely wouldn’t be the first time he blanked on stage, but he knew he’d never hear the end of it from both his members and STAY if he fucked up like that again. It was all in good fun when they’d tease him, but sometimes it really did get to Jisung.
Walking out on stage was a surreal experience, just as it always was. Han would never get used to that adrenaline rush he got as thousands of eyes watched intently and cheered for them.
The music started and muscle memory took over, moving Jisung’s body effortlessly to the beat of the drum.
It was pure euphoria to go out on stage in front of STAY and do what he does best: perform.
Like most things; it was great until it wasn’t.
Chan was in the middle of his verse when it started.
Flashing lights.
He felt his stomach and jaw instantly drop. Chan didn’t care that it would be the “professional” thing to do to just keep going. One of his kids was seriously in danger.
That’s when the next emotion overcame him: anger. Pure, unfiltered rage. All the staff knew that Jisung was epileptic and they were always incredibly careful to avoid things like flashing lights and other things that could cause seizures.
How the hell did this even happen?! Who let this happen?
The strobe lights weren’t just a small oversight, no, this was an act of extreme ignorance that put one of his beloved members at risk and seriously made Chan question the competence of the staff.
He would definitely give them an ear full later, but right now, the only thing that mattered was Jisung.
By the time Chan turned around, Han was already a fraction of a second away from hitting the floor. The leader dropped his mic and sprinted for Jisung. When the younger man did hit the floor, Chan thanked the Lord that he didn’t appear to have hit his head hard which was always a big concern. Concussions and traumatic brain injuries could seriously affect him physically and mentally and in extreme cases, be fatal.
Minho was in a similar state to Chan, already kneeling on the floor with Han’s head on his lap. The two of them were the most well equipped to help the younger as much as possible through his seizures.
“Keep going!” Chan yelled over his shoulder to the rest of his members, knowing that it’s what Han would want. Jisung would be mortified to know that thousands of eyes were on him in such a vulnerable and scary state. He wanted to distract as many stays as possible, because he knew that going into distraction mode was the best option. He couldn’t move Jisung without possibly hurting him or Chan himself in the process. They didn’t really have a choice.
Thankful for the jacket that was part of his stage outfit, the leader took it off and placed it over Jisung’s lap because even though incontenance was completely normal, Han would be absolutely mortified to know that the whole world saw him like that. His pants were black, but Chan didn’t want to take any chances for Jisung’s sake. They wanted to help him, but also protect his dignity.
STAY was already going crazy, but as soon as Han’s muscles contracted, violently contorting his body, all hell broke loose. There was screaming, panic, and terror filling the venue, despite the effort to distract the fans.
“Start counting!” Minho demanded Chan, having to yell just for his voice to be heard from a few feet away.
They didn’t have their phones to be able to start a timer, so Chan had no problem starting to count as Minho focused on talking Jisung through his seizure.
Minho was probably the best when it came to reassuring and calming Han during and after seizures and not just because of their close bond, but because Minho always knew exactly what to say. He was also the most capable of remaining calm, whereas Chan, no matter how many seizures he witnessed, had a hard time staying calm and not letting that panic carry over into his voice at all. He wasn’t sure if it really made a difference or not, though. Even if it was the smallest chance that Jisung could hear them, Chan wanted him to have the best care possible.
Chan made counted to 126 before the convulsions completely ceased and Minho quickly put him in the recovery position. Just then, two men ran out from back stage carrying a stretcher and Jisung was quickly transferred onto it and hoisted into the air by who Chan assumed were medics. Both of the idols followed closely behind as the unconscious man was carried off stage, knowing that the medics would need to have Jisung’s condition clarified and neither one was willing to be the person to leave Han’s side until they knew he was 100% okay. The two oldest were stubborn like that.
”He’s epileptic. He got triggered by the flashing lights. It only lasted for around 2 minutes which is normal for him and it didn’t look like he hit his head.” Chan easily jogged alongside the stretcher and Minho did the same on the other side, fingers entertained with Jisung’s.
”Alright. We’ve got it from here boys.”
Just before Minho could protest, they realized that Jisung’s eyes were open now, even though the man seemed to have trouble focusing them on anything.
“Hey, Hannie. It’s Minho. I’m right here, okay? Everything’s going to be alright.” He said, carefully running his thumb along Jisung’s squirrel cheeks that just about every STAY adored. It was a gesture that always comforted and soothed the younger. Nobody really knew how Minho always seemed to know exactly what Han needed and when or what would calm him down the fastest, but it really just showed how in sync they were. Perks of their soulmate bond, apparently.
”…consr-“ Jisung slurred out, not mentally there enough yet to form actual words.
”The concert it still going on. Everyone but me, you, and Chan are still performing for STAY. Don’t worry about it.” No matter how many times he saw it, Chan was still impressed by the fact that Minho spoke fluent ‘post-epileptic Jisung’.
“M’srree-“
”Don’t apologize Jisungie. The only person that needs to apologize is the brain-dead bitch who turned on those strobe lights even though they knew not to. None of the fans will by upset with you either and if they are, they aren’t the type of people we want as fans anyways.” Minho ran his fingers through Jisung’s hair carefully.
”I’ve got this handled. Chan, you can go back on stage. I’m sure the kids are dying to know if he’s okay. Same goes for you two,” Lee Know gestured to the pair of medical staff, “I’ve dealt with probably hundreds of his seizures. I’ll get you if there’s any signs that he might require medical intervention.” His voice held authority and Chan was honestly impressed. The pair shuffled away, stating that they’d come by to check on him every five or so minutes, finally realizing that their presence was unwanted.
”Are you sure you’re all set? Anything I can get for him before I head back out?”
”Actually, can you grab him a set of more comfortable clothes? He has a set in his bag just in case. Oh, and some water. Other than that, we’re all set.”
Chan nodded and left, only to return less than a minute later with a stack of folded clothes and a plastic water bottle. The leader had no problems leaving Minho to it after that. He knew them both very well and also completely trusted the dancer to handle this. Jisung was in good hands. He definitely still had an ear full for the staff working the stage lights, though. That could come after the concert, however.
It was pretty easy to get Han cleaned up and into a new set of clothes to get comfortable.
Minho sat on the floor with his back resting on the couch and sat between his legs was the reclined Jisung who was finally aware enough to not be in the recovery position. The older of the two used one hand to give Han a scalp massage and with the other, pulled out his phone to pass some time until Jisung was ant least mostly aware and coherent.
When Minho started scrolling through social media, his heart sank.
Of course he knew that the videos of Han having a seizure on stage would spread online like wildfire, but what he didn’t expect was for people to make up a whole story saying that Jisung was a drug addict. That obviously wasn’t true and they had the medical records to prove it, but he didn’t know how the company was going to handle this. JYP Entertainment we’re the ones that wanted to keep Han’s epilepsy a secret in the first place, worried that people would see him as “weak” or want to take advantage of it by trying to trigger a seizure with flashing lights and whatnot when he was in public.
When idols faint or collapse on stage, companies are quick to make up excuses like “x idol didn’t drink enough water that day”, but there was no easy way out when an idol has a full on seizure in the middle of the stage. No amount of “they just forgot to eat lunch” or “they didn’t sleep well last night”s could cover up the situation.
Minho just hoped that their company would make a statement soon before things went even more out of control. An alarming amount of people seemed to be jumping on the “Han’s a drug addict” bandwagon, no matter how serious and baseless such a claim was.
He didn’t want Jisung to have to sit and watch as his name and reputation was dragged through the mud by idiots who don’t know a damn thing about him. It would kill the younger inside to see, even if the company cleared Han’s name within a couple days. It still wouldn’t be able to completely repair the damage that was done.
Minho was already pissed before, but now seeing people trying to ruin his best friend’s career because he was disabled made him livid. He couldn’t help but partially blame the company for keeping Jisung’s epilepsy a secret from the general public. If it was general knowledge, Minho wouldn’t currently be scrolling through tons of posts and articles saying anything from “drug overdose” to “demonic possession”, the latter admittedly even more outrageous than people’s drug theory (which was already unthinkable. Jisung wouldn’t risk the excruciating and painful years of hard work to get where he was just to get high.)
“Wa-er please.” Jisung slurred out, making Minho jump and tuck his phone away. Lee Know quickly complied, cradling the younger’s head with one arm and slowly lifting the bottle up, being extra careful to make sure Han didn’t choke in his half conscious state. Thankfully that never happened in the past, but that didn’t make Minho any less wary.
”Concert?” He seemed to gradually come back to reality.
”Some fucking dunce put on strobe lights during S-Class and you had a seizure. Everything is okay, though. You’re okay. Don’t worry about that at all, just focus on me.” Lino carefully carded his fingers through Jisung’s previously meticulously styled hair. In 15 or so minutes, Han would panic, but in the moment, all he could manage was small nod.
When the disorientation wore off, panic he did.
Jisung got so worked up to the point where he couldn’t breathe and tears streamed down his face. Intrusive thoughts began racing through his head,
”What if they think you’re weak?”
”Will STAYs hate me?”
”Is this gonna turn into a scandal?”
”Could I lose my job?”
”Will I be kicked out of Stray Kids?”
So many things could go wrong. Of course, he was catastrophizing and his fears were completely irrational, but his anxiety couldn’t care less about the rationality of his intrusive thoughts.
As always, Minho was there to wipe his tears and tell him everything would be okay. The elder was well accustomed to helping his soulmate during panic attacks. He knew it definitely wasn’t the time to tell Jisung about the “drug addict” rumors going around on social media, or just all the press surrounding the incident in general.
The two sat cuddled up with Han’s back to Minho’s chest, just relaxing and finding comfort in the other’s presence for probably an hour until Jisung’s nerves got to him. There was probably another hour or so left in the show and he couldn’t sit around anymore.
”I wanna go watch the performance from the wings. You should be there for the last bit of the performance too.”
”Jagiya…” Lee Know clearly hesitated.
“I’m okay, seriously. I’m fine now and I’ll sit down.”
”I don’t doubt your ability to know your body and it’s limits. I still don’t want to leave you alone when you’re upset, though.”
It took quite a bit of convincing, but Jisung ended up in the wing watching as the rest of his group, Lee Know included, performed like it was the last night of their lives. Despite the big smile on Han’s face, he couldn’t help but let a tear run down his cheek. One tear turned into streams of salty water cascading down his face.
He wanted to be out there with his best friends dancing, singing, and jumping around in front of STAY more than anything. He hated his body for holding him back from doing the things he loved. If anything, they were tears of frustration.
He hated his stupid body. He hated his stupid brain. But more than anything, he hated himself.
If it were an option, Jisung would have gone out on stage at the very end of the performance, because he knew that there would be fans that were worried about him. He had no such freedom, though.
At that point, Jisung knew that he couldn’t say anything until he talked to JYP’s legal team and made an official statement on the matter, assuming that’s the route they decide to take. That’s just the way things were in the industry and Han accepted that a long time ago when he first signed his contract with JYP Entertainment.
Needless to say, Jisung was really upset when he found out about the drug rumors, but he was more upset that it had been four days since it happened and four days where he wasn’t allowed to say anything.
The PR team stayed silent under the guise of “needing more time to come up with a proper response.” Han didn’t care if the statement was a half assed Twitter post, he just desperately wanted to stop the rumors from further marinating amongst the media.
People assume that silence is the same as a confession of guilt.
The headlines got worse and in turn, Jisung only came out of his room when he absolutely had to for food and whatnot. His panic attacks got exponentially worse and more frequent, while the members’ collective worry also grew.
Yes, Han had his struggles with anxiety beforehand, but it had never got this bad.
Jisung had locked himself away, unwilling to let anyone help him. Chan almost missed the old dorms with no privacy and no locks on the bedrooms, because at least that way they could see Han to make sure he was okay physically. Minho in particular spent a bit too much time sitting outside Jisung’s door, despite the fact that he didn’t even live in that particular dorm. The second oldest was scared that Han would have a seizure and choke to death on his own tongue or vomit if he was laying in the wrong position, so he’d stake out in the hallway as long as he needed to.
He wouldn’t hesitate to bust down the door if he heard a “seizure cry”, thrashing, or choking.
Minho sat there so much, Chan brought a cushion for him to sit on, knowing that he couldn’t reprimand Minho for sitting on the hard wood flooring with no back support, because Chris knew that he would do the exact same thing if the younger wasn’t.
It had been a week and Chan’s anger with the PR team had turned into flat out rage. The company had no right to make his Jisung feel this way and he was going to make his opinion known.
Chan marched straight into the legal team’s office, ready to fight like hell to clear Han’s name to the public.
He may or may not have threatened them to let Jisung make a statement in either video or text form or else Chan would go live and explain everything to STAY, including showing (obviously censored to remove any personal info) diagnostic papers that Jisung kept tucked away in his room just in case. The leader knew that if he did so, he would risk getting in big trouble, or even get fired, but he was willing to do whatever it took.
Chan couldn’t sit back and watch his very first stray kid get bashed online and being forced to just take it. He couldn’t bare to see Han’s tear-stained face when he ran in to him getting water anymore and he was willing to do whatever it takes to fix this.
After Chan’s little explosion, they reluctantly agreed to let Jisung explain, on the condition that they get to edit the video or statement before posting it, which wasn’t a problem to him. Han wasn’t the type to overshare or anything like that.
When he got the good news, he immediately rushed home to tell Jisung and possibly help him sort out his thoughts and figure out what he wanted to do.
”Sungie? I have some good news. Can you let me in so we can talk?” Chan knocked possibly a bit too loud. There was silence on the other side of the door, making worry start setting in more and more as time passed with no response. What if he couldn’t get to the door? What if he had a bad seizure?
Eventually, though, a disheveled Jisung opened the door reluctantly, unwilling to look up at all. He knew it was Chan and he knew that Chan had that stupid fatherly look on his face that would make Jisung burst into tears. The last thing he wanted to do was break down in front of his leader.
Chan let himself in and took the liberty to take a seat on the younger’s bed, patting the spot next to him. Han sat there cautiously, scared of what this news was going to be.
”They’re letting you make your own statement. They get to edit it if they need to, but you get to speak for yourself.” Chan's smile was warm and comforting.
“I… I get to be honest about my epilepsy…?” Jisung was honestly more confused than anything. The company went to great lengths for years to hide it from the general public and now they were just letting him come clean?
“Yup. Do you want me to help you come up with some bullet points on what to go over?” The leader asked, practically reading Han’s mind, who was very unsure of what to say.
“Please?”
”Yeah. Come here.”
”Hello STAY. I’m sure you’ve probably seen or heard of what happened at the last concert. If you aren’t aware, during the first song of our performance, I had to be carried back stage after having a seizure. I’m sorry for scaring you all and leaving you in the dark for so long. To be completely honest, there was a technical issue with the lighting where strobe lights were accidentally turned on. What I haven’t told STAY is that I have epilepsy and the flashing lights triggered a seizure. I’m sorry for worrying you guys and I hope you understand that this was just an unfortunate accident. Thank you so much for your love and support. I love you STAY. Take care of yourselves. Bye everyone.”
Jisung reached forward to turn off the camera anxiously.
”You did good Sungie. I’m proud of you.” Chan gave him a supportive pat on the shoulder.
”Do… do you think everything will turn out okay?” Han bit his lip.
”I know it will.”