Chapter Text
Lucas is not sure if Eliott would like to have him in the same bed, he doesn’t want to invade his space, he does not know what his boyfriend would be comfortable with during his depressive episodes. This is an Eliott he still doesn’t know about.
Lucas has to remind himself that the boy sleeping in his bed is the same boy he has known all this time. And now he needs him.
Lucas doesn’t know how, and he is sure he is gonna make many mistakes on the way, but he is gonna be there for him. Every step Eliott will be willing to share with him, Lucas will be accompanying him. In Lucas’ eyes, Eliott will never be overshadowed by his bipolar disorder.
Lucas longs to feel his warmth against his skin, to look at him and make sure he is alright, as much as he can be right now.
Slowly, he goes to the bed, and making as little noise as he can, he climbs inside.
He wonders if it’s okay to hold him. Lucas thinks it is.
Eliott will tell him otherwise and Lucas will try his best not to be sad. And even when Eliott will not be as kind as before, Lucas won’t take it to heart.
Be patient. Be understanding.
He moves closer and hugs Eliott from behind, laying his head closer to his nape and caressing his left arm with his fingers. His boyfriend seems to be in deep sleep, as he doesn’t move and Lucas can hear him breathing slowly.
There is no other sound and it seems his flatmates did an oath of silence, trying to be understanding of Eliott’s condition in their own way.
They can’t do much beside supporting Lucas from afar.
Eliott has barely eaten today and Lucas thinks of a way to make him eat tomorrow but he doesn’t know his favorite meals. He thinks about going to a cafeteria early in the morning to buy some more baked goods but then remembers Eliott didn’t eat even a full croissant.
But it’s still something when compared to how he ignored every other meal Lucas presented him, barely looking at them.
Lucas is not so confident in his cooking skills as to believe Eliott will magically find his appetite again after looking at what he baked so he decides he will indeed go and buy different types of bread tomorrow morning.
He could ask Manon to bake something but he doesn’t want to bother her knowing she has her own problems with Charles to think about…
Lucas wakes up having no idea about the moment he fell asleep.
When he lifts his head up, he can see Eliott hasn’t moved much since last night and when he checks his phone it’s almost 10:30, so he gets out of bed.
His plan to go to the cafeteria is not completely ruined because when he goes to the kitchen, Manon is already taking a tray full of sweets out of the oven.
“Good morning!” she says quietly but still enthusiastic, probably to give some of that enthusiasm to him.
“Good morning”.
“Yesterday you told me the croissants you bought were the only thing Eliott touched so I thought I’d make some sweets! I made a lot so everyone has enough. I have chocolate and hazelnut muffins, banana bread and… look at that!!”. She turns around happily to a tray covered up to reveal weird looking muffins that somehow still look very appetizing.
“Those are… ?”
“Bacon and blueberry muffins!!”.
When Eliott wakes up, he can tell by the light coming out of the window that it’s already late in the morning but he doesn't care enough to check the time. Then he remembers he didn’t even think about taking his phone when he ran out of his house. He lays in bed, staring out of the window and trying to assimilate as much of the view it offers as he can since he has no strength to get out of bed, even if his bladder is pleading him to.
MInutes later he hears light footsteps approaching, the distant whispers he could hear from the kitchen no longer there.
Lucas climbs into the bed and with some hesitation hugs him from behind.
“Good morning” his voice is quiet and Eliott thinks it’s the sweetest thing he has ever listened to.
“Good morning”.
“Did you sleep well?”.
“Mh”.
“Getting used to this magnificent couch, is that it?”. His tone is playful.
“It’s not bad”.
He appreciates Lucas’ attempts at joking around, but he has no strength to reciprocate, and he hopes Lucas won’t be let down by it.
He feels a kiss pressing on the exposed skin between his shirt and neck.
“How are you feeling?”
After a few moments of hesitation he says “I don’t know”. And it’s true.
He doesn’t even know why he is here.
Eliott lied to himself, thinking that keeping his mental illness a secret will eventually make it disappear, so that he and Lucas could go on with this farce.
Then Eliott snapped, unexpected, right in front of him, and days later, he was alone.
He couldn’t feel his own body, his mind, his soul, the way he used to.
He could feel them too much, at the same time.
He felt as if he had lost every part of himself, to the point where if someone were to find him and ask who he was, the only thing he could have said was “I'm just some bipolar guy”.
Because in those moments he forgot himself.
He forgot he is very good at drawing. He forgot the first time he fell in love with a movie. He forgot his favorite dialogue of it, the one he knew by heart. He forgot his name and the names of the people that love him. The only thing clear to him was his mental illness.
But then he had been found.
Not by someone who wanted to know him but someone who already knew him, and unlike Eliott, still remembered everything he was.
He promised he wouldn’t leave and Eliott followed him because maybe Lucas could help him remember too.
“What are you thinking about?”.
Eliott turns around and Lucas smiles at him.
He doesn't know what’s the right thing to say to comfort Lucas but he doesn’t want to lie either. He is not feeling well. His mind is playing tricks on him that keep pushing him into dark places. He isn’t sure he is worth the trouble he is gonna cause Lucas if he decides to stay with him.
He will eventually hurt Lucas, and it hurts him.
“Too many things, probably”.
Lucas seems to understand he is still not in the right state of mind to explain to him what’s going on, so he doesn’t push the subject.
“Can I show you something?”.
Eliott nods.
Lucas gets up from the bed and returns seconds later with a covered tray.
“Manon made them this morning while we were both still sleeping. You are not obliged to eat them. If you don’t want them or anything at all I won’t force you but…”.
When Eliott looks down, he sees at least ten muffins that look weird enough to vaguely resemble some shit he might have cooked before. Then the smell reaches his nose and when he takes one in his hand, he understands and looks up at Lucas.
“Blueberries… and bacon…”.
Lucas nods, trying not to laugh.
“I can’t believe she seriously cooked them either!”.
“She’s kind”.
“She did that because she thought you’d like them”.
Eliott hasn’t eaten a full meal ever since last friday but for some reason he actually feels like eating these muffins, so he bites into one.
“Mhh. That’s good!”.
Lucas’ face brightens up.
“I’ll try one too. I’ll keep you company. This better be good!”.
Lucas might be losing his mind too after all the time spent with Eliott because he seems to not mind the muffins.
Eliott ends up eating four of them and Lucas feels so happy he fears his smile might be starting to look creepy.