Work Text:
Amelia's life was far from ideal. It has been for quite some time now. She has grown accustomed to people moving in and out from her life, but losing her sisters almost at the same time and her partner threw her off the curve.
The first few weeks were the hardest, no lie there. Then she slowly but surely got used to the lack of constant chatting with Kai, to the no nightly facetimes, to the lack of hearing their soothing voice and to the lack of seeing their beautiful face.
Her days felt empty, she felt lonely in the hospital where she was surrounded by hundreds of people, she felt lonely at home where she indeed was alone. People tried, for a long time, to cheer her up, to tell her that eventually everything will be fine.
Eventually. That's a tricky word. What does it even mean? In a week? In a month? In a year? What if she can't make it that long? What if she doesn't have it in herself to stay sober that long? It would be so easy, so convenient to just give up.
After the initial sadness and comforts, all those died down. After a while no one could say anything new to Amelia, or they didn't want to frustrate her with their own lives. She seemed stressed enough. So people slowly stopped talking to her, making her feel even more lonely.
From 'Hurricane Amelia' she went to 'Mopey Amelia'. No one wanted to say the wrong things, or share happy things with her. They all thought she would be more disturbed by the fact that others' lives were moving on and were being filled with happiness.
Even in her natural habitat, in the O.R. people kept silent during surgeries. They barely took a breath around her, being on the edge all the time that she might break down.
And so she spent her days and nights all alone. There were occasional phone calls between her and Meredith, her and Maggie, and the three of them - just catching up on each others' lives. Both Maggie and Meredith had done amazing things already, and Amelia couldn't have been happier for them.
"Aaaand I have met this guy from radiology," Maggie started one night while all three of them were present in the call. "Nothing is set in stone just yet, but he asked me out on a date this Saturday, and I am kind of freaking out," she said enthusiastically.
"Look at Miss Pierce back in the saddle again," Amelia said, smirking. "Do you know what you are wearing?"
"That's the thing! I don't even know what we are doing. We first bonded over our shared hatred towards hiking, and we teased each other endlessly saying that maybe we should try it together."
"I thought Jackson made you hate nature so much you'd never go near a tree again," Meredith joined, laughing.
"Well, it feels different with him. It's not like he knows all the things and is all too clever about it. It'd be our little thing; exploring nature, and maybe each other…"
"Damn Maggie. Already that far?" Amelia chuckled.
"Shhhh! Anyways, it could either be a casual date or something, or something more adventurous. And he wouldn't tell me," she complained.
"Just ask for a dress code," Meredith sighed.
"Easy for you to say, Mrs. I have a boyfriend of my own," Maggie teased. "Speaking of which, how are things with Mick?"
"Everything is good. Too good sometimes. We are taking things slowly. I'm kinda waiting for something to happen, you know, the other shoe to drop."
"Meredith Grey, the queen of anticipating disasters," Amelia laughed, knowing that it's gonna be her turn soon to talk about love, or the lack of it.
"You can't say my worries don't have a proper foundation," Meredith exclaimed. "And what's up with you anyways?"
"Oh I'm doing just fine, having back to back shifts and surgeries."
"Any word from Kai?" Maggie asked.
"Nope. I know they have started a new research project, I have seen articles. But nothing from them personally," she sighed.
"I can only imagine how hard it must be," Maggie started, "but you know you have to move on eventually."
Eventually. That stupid word again. She wanted to scream to Maggie that she has heard it one too many times, and 'things are not getting better eventually .' They suck more and more with every passing day.
But she didn't have it in her to try and explain the whole thing to her sisters. They wouldn't understand anyways. "Uhm yes, I guess you must be right. But now I have to go. I had a long day and I desperately need some sleep. See you guys next time," she left the meeting without waiting for an answer.
She didn't tell them the full story. She didn't tell them that Kai will have a new publication in just a few days. She didn't tell them that sleep was just a pitiful excuse, she's been sleepless ever since she left Kai in the lab. When they told her they loved her. And broke her heart even more.
She knows it's going to sting just that more when she reads their paper, seeing that them leaving her is being justified, seeing that they are being productive while she is a pile of mess. At least it was worth leaving me, she thought.
***
A whole week has passed since Dr. Kai Bartley's newest publication hit the internet. She opened it the day it came out, but could never convince herself to read it. She knew it was an entirely new research, and the chances of them mentioning her were less than 0, and still she couldn't do it.
She wanted to know what they were up to. She was already immensely proud of them, and there was nothing she regretted more than not telling them that in person. If she could go back, she would and would tell them just how proud of them she is. And would kiss them, one last time. One last time knowing that it would be their last kiss .
"Okay, today I will finally read it. I will read their new paper, and I will not break down," she told herself in the mirror. She was about to leave the hospital, ending yet another long shift.
She went home, and buried herself under a blanket on the couch. Reading it in her bed would have been just too painful; they told her in her bed that they are leaving, she physically couldn't bring their research article there.
She took a deep breath and opened the page. There was a picture of them at the beginning. A new picture. They looked professional. She hasn't seen them in what felt like ages. Their green eyes were still breathtakingly beautiful, their jawline sharp just as she remembered, a faint smile on their mouth. But it wasn't a true smile, she could see that.
To some stranger it wouldn't have been obvious, but to Amelia, she could see there was something up with them. Their eyes weren't like they used to be, they seemed empty, like they didn't have a purpose anymore. Stop, it's just your imagination, she told herself.
Reading this publication should not be such a big thing. She has been keeping up with their work for years, it's just like it has been before. They are just a neuroscientist whose work interests Amelia. That is the whole story.
You can do this! You are strong enough. And she was. She read the whole article, and just as usual it was brilliant. The science they presented was dead on point, the theme was intriguing, their wording was otherworldly; professional, and still casual enough that someone outside of the neuro world would easily understand it as well.
She was extremely proud. They were about to accomplish great things, their new research is destined to be a success. Their enthusiasm was obvious from the article itself, and she knew they were determined enough to complete it in no time.
She lamented for a long time whether she should write to them. She wanted to, she wanted them to know that she was still there, supporting them and their work from a distance. She wanted them to know she was so-so proud of them. She wanted to tell them how much she missed them. And after what felt like forever, she decided on writing to them.
If not else, as a proper goodbye. Telling them all her thoughts and feelings. Yes, it is going to be the hardest thing she ever has to do, but it felt like she needed it to properly, well not end things, because she knew Kai was it for her, but to maybe help her healing process. They were the love of her life, and no one would ever compare. But she still needed them to know she was still there, and extremely proud of them.
***
Hi,
I know I am probably the last person you want to receive a message from, but I just - selfishly, again - need to write this down to you.
I just read your newest article, and Kai Bartley, I have to tell you I am so-so proud of you. I know I've never told you that face-to-face, and please believe me that it is one of my biggest regrets in my life.
Your research project is just what all of them have been in the past; precise, thoughtful, scientific, intriguing and of course life changing for many, many people.
I've always known, even before meeting you, that you were destined to achieve great things, and you just keep proving that. I am a hundred percent sure that your new project will succeed, and I couldn't be happier for you, or more proud of you. You have worked so hard to be just where you are now, and you deserve everything that you have. I have never met someone with the kind of work ethic that you have, and it is surely one of the many things that make you so special.
I want you to know that even though we did not leave things at the nicest, I am extremely grateful that I got to know you, and that you are doing such wonderful things with the opportunity that you got. The opportunity that is the award for all your hard work.
Kai Bartley, if you remember one thing about me, I hope it will be that I am immensely proud of you and your work. You are changing lives, I know that because you have changed mine. You have changed me for the better, and you will change the future of medicine as well.
It is becoming a rather long message, I know, but I still want to tell you just how much I miss you. I know it's not fair of me to burden you with such a thing, but there is no day that I don't think about you, about us. About how I could have said goodbye in a nicer way, not ruining us and what we had completely. I am so sorry for that, you deserved so much better than that, and I wish I could change it.
But I can't, so I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I was selfish, and couldn't express my pride.
I love you, Kai Bartley. I will probably always love you.
I am endlessly proud of you, and your work. But mostly you. Although I cannot support you directly anymore, I hope you know I will always be here, in the background, cheering on you and supporting you. I will watch your life in pictures.
I am your biggest fan, and I am the most proud of you. You are an extraordinary person, Kai Bartley. And I will always be grateful that I got to know you, and that I had the opportunity to be a part of your life.
-Amelia
***
It took a lot of courage to hit the send button. She read through the whole message at least a thousand times, thinking it over and over again. Speaking about her feelings so freely was not not something she did frequently. But with Kai, it was different. She needed them to know how she felt.
Was it unfair? Probably. It was unfair because their relationship was already over - at least she thought so, and thought that Kai thought the same - so rationally, there was no point in sending such a heartfelt message.
She knew that it wouldn’t magically bring them back, that it wouldn’t change their mind about them as a couple, and as individuals. So why did she do it? Some form of closure is the best she could think of. They had very limited time to speak about feelings after Kai announced their moving. She was angry, and sad, and surprised, and heartbroken, amongst many other things. So she couldn’t think rationally enough to speak up about her true feelings.
And so she did in this message. Chances are good that they won’t even read it , she thought. Which was a silly thought, of course she knew they would read it. They would read any message she would send them. They may not have parted on the best terms, but Kai was still painfully aware of the fact that their paths may cross again because of their work, hence why they would never not read a message from her. Nothing else, they probably don’t have feelings for me anymore…
So she hit send. And waited. Waited to see whether they would actually check what she had written to them. She was looking at the word ‘delivered’ for so long, she decided to give up. It was already past midnight, she had a long day at the hospital, and to top all that, she was also dying from emotional exhaustion. Whether she wanted to acknowledge it or not, reading Kai’s article and writing that message took the last of her energy. So without checking her phone once more, she buried herself under the blanket even more, and fell asleep on her couch.
***
Kai had just finished the first round of tests of the day when they decided that it was already time for a second cup of coffee. It was barely over 8 o’clock, but they have been up and working since 4 am. They grabbed their phone from their desk and saw that they had a couple of notifications. Nothing interesting, just some work related emails, one from their bandmate from Minnesota, one from David Hamilton, a few in the group chat they had going on with the leaders of the several subgroups in the lab, and one from Amelia Shepherd.
When they saw her name their heart skipped several beats. Why would she message them? Why now when their life has just started to settle down? When they were starting to get over her…
Who are you trying to fool, Bartley? You’ve been waking up at 4 am the latest every day since you left. You cannot stop thinking about her, and if you’ve made the right decision… - at least they were honest with themself in thought.
They decided against reading her message during the day, thinking it would mess them up regardless of the topic. Knowing that they were on her mind for at least as short a time as to message them, she had to search for them in her contacts…these were all thoughts that were already messing with their head. They did not need any more distractions for the day.
To say that keeping their focus during the day was one of the hardest things they have ever done would be an understatement. Their eyes kept looking back at their phone like they were mesmerized by the device. Their heart kept racing when it lit up with a new message, but it was never Amelia again, she sent that one message.
They barely made any progress on their research, but the day still went by. They were both thrilled by that and frightened. It meant that they could finally read Amelia’s message. It also meant that they had to read Amelia’s message.
They got home, their cat greeting them in the doorway just like he did everyday. They pet him and gave him food, fed themself as well, took a quick shower and settled on the couch once they were done. And of course the one thing that was on their mind the whole time was Amelia.
They have been questioning themself and their decision ever since they left her apartment. Rationally they knew that they made the right decision; they have been working for an opportunity like this since they were a teenager. And finally, they had everything they had been working for. They never wanted anything more from life, just an opportunity to be able to do what they did best: science. And science on the highest level possible.
They had their own lab, their own team, they were the most respected person in the building, David was proud of them beyond measure, they were proud of themself as well. Proud of their hard work, proud that they never gave up, they kept going even when it felt impossible to get through things, they were proud of who they became in the long process as well.
And still, something was missing. A proper goodbye. They never had that with Amelia. They told her they were leaving, she got mad, and they didn’t really talk about it properly anymore, just argued. She hurt them. She hurt them because she showed no sign of pride or happiness for them. She should have been one of the few to know how hard they had worked for this, and still, she put herself first. She seemed to center herself in the situation, where Kai thought for once they should have been in the focus of attention.
They usually didn’t like being the center of attention, but this was one time when they really wished they could have gotten a little bit more acknowledgement. But nothing like that came, so they packed their things in Amelia’s apartment and left before she got home from the hospital. They left her a letter telling her that they are sorry for how the things went on, but they had to leave in order to catch their plane.
And they did. They left without as much as a goodbye. It wasn’t the most adult decision they have ever made, but they couldn’t have faced her. Because if they did, they probably wouldn’t have been able to leave. And they needed to leave, they needed to put themself first for once.
They unlocked their phone, took a deep breath and opened the messages app. Amelia’s message sank downer during the day, but it was still visible without scrolling.
‘Hi, I know I am probably the last person…’ was all they could see without opening the chat. They kept staring at the words, re-reading them over and over again.What could be the continuation? They were curious, but scared as well.
You have to do this, Bartley. You cannot not read her message, however badly you want to. Deep down you know it yourself that you could never do that. She is still one of the most important people in your life. Just be strong and read it, you may not even have to respond to it, you just need to read it as of right now. You can do it.
“Okay, it will be a quick read,” they mumbled to themself.
And so they opened the message. ‘ I know I am probably the last person you want to receive a message from’ “You could never be the last person, Amelia Shepherd…”
Reading the message was hard. Reading about how proud of them she was, and how she regrets not telling them in person healed some part of Kai. They didn’t know they needed to hear her say that - or read her writing about it. But they did. Subconsciously they knew that she must be proud of them, but reassurance was something they always needed from Amelia, even if they did not dare to admit it even to themself.
' Kai Bartley, if you remember one thing about me, I hope it will be that I am immensely proud of you and your work.' There, she said it. 'Immensely proud of you', they never got to hear her voice telling them those words, but her hands had written it down for them. They soaked in those words for minutes. And then one thing caught their attention. '... if you remember one thing about me…' how could they ever remember just one thing about her? She started self-deprecating again, which was a really bad sign.
She told them about the spiraling, the falling into old habits and now they were seeing it happening. They got worried. Correction: they got even more worried. They have been worried about her since they left, but a hopeful part of them believed she would be in a better state than they were.
But she wasn’t. And so she discredited herself. She thought she didn’t mean everything to them, that she was forgettable. Oh how far she was from the truth… Kai knew that she was it for them. The so cliche One. But they left her because they thought that work was the most important for them. And it was. It had to be.
They left and didn’t look back. They left because they thought that it was the right thing to do. They thought they had to prioritize themself, and apparently that meant prioritizing work. They did the right thing. But why did it not feel right then?
‘I love you, Kai Bartley. I will probably always love you.’ This is why it didn’t feel right. She loved them. And they loved her. They were both still in love. She never told them in person though. They did tell her, not in the best moment, that is true. But regardless, they had it in themself to tell her. Maybe it was unfair? Telling her they loved her when they were leaving her? Probably it was. But they needed her to know it.
They really did love her. She was the first person they have loved in a long time.They rarely let themself get so vulnerable, and still, Amelia Shepherd managed to destroy the walls they have built. They let her in, and they had the best time ever with her. They felt loved, cared for, they felt like they finally could count on someone to always have their back. And Amelia did have their back, she loved them, and she cared for them.
But they chose work. They had to choose work, they had to choose themself. But was Kai Bartley only work? That was them? The person who would always prioritize work? Even over themself? Apparently yes.
Reading Amelia’s message brought up all these questions, and they didn’t like it. They wanted their mind to just shut up, with all the questions, assumptions, what if situations, and all. All they wanted was a second of peace.
So they aggressively closed the app, and threw their phone on the coffee table. They did not have it in themself to reply to Amelia. Not now, probably not ever. Because frankly, they didn’t know what to. There was no good reply to such a message. A pathetic ‘thank you’ was all they could come up with. And that message deserved more than that.
And so they left the message just like that, on read, without any response. They simply just couldn’t.
***
“Richard, wait,” Amelia ran after her friend as he was leaving the hospital.
“Shepherd, good evening! What can I do for you?”
“Uhm, are you done with your shift?”
“Yes,” he answered, his face painted with curiosity.
“And do you have anything to do, anywhere to be? I could really use a meeting right now, and I just can’t go alone,” she exclaimed, feeling defeated at her admission.
“Well I was supposed to be having a dinner date with Cathrine, but she had something come up concerning the foundation. So truth to be told, I could probably use a meeting as well,” he smiled softly squeezing Amelia’s arm.
“So do we go to our usual place?”Amelia asked, fighting her tears and forcing a smile on her face.
“Sure. I can drive us there, if that’s fine with you.”
“That would actually be perfect. Thank you so much, Richard.”
“Of course, Amelia. Anytime, and you know that,” he said as he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Amelia’s small frame. She wrapped her arms around him, and gave up fighting with the tears. To her surprise a little sob accompanied the first tears as well. “It’s okay, just let it out. I’m here for you.”
Richard Webber was the only person in the whole hospital who wasn’t tiptoeing around Amelia. He knew how hard change is for addicts himself, and also knew that people usually cannot say the right things in situations like this. And so he never tried to comfort Amelia the way everyone else was trying to. He was just there for her whenever she needed him, no questions asked, just keeping her company, letting her let the frustration go.
“Okay, is there anyone who would like to start today?” asked the guy leading the meeting. Shyly, Amelia raised her hand, and the man nodded and gestured towards her, signaling that the stage is hers.
“Hi, I’m Amelia, and I am an alcoholic.”
“Hello, Amelia,” said the crowd.
“So, I guess,” she started, the tears dwelling in her eyes already, “I came here today because I…I’m going through a break up, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to,” she looked at Richard apologicatelly but he just nodded, understanding what she really meant.
“I had this awesome partner, they really were the best. They still are. They treated me in a way no one has ever. We met through work, we were working together on a research project; they are a neuroscientist and I’m a neurosurgeon, so you know, we had a shared passion,” she chuckled dryly. She had to take a deep breath before continuing. “Anyways, they got this amazing opportunity to open a whole new lab in London, and of course they accepted. I reacted really poorly when they told me, and we didn’t really communicate our things properly after that. It was all just passive-aggressive arguments and such. Anyways, at the end of the day we broke up, they told me they loved me - right in the middle of breaking up, which was the best and worst ever. Just made things sting that more,” she smiled sadly.
“I didn’t have it in me at that time to tell them I loved them - I love them too. Well until last week. They had a new publication, and I of course read it, I had been following their work even before we met. So I read their paper, and it was so fantastic, just like how fantastic they are. And I was so proud of them, and I felt like writing to them would give me a sense of closure? I got to write down all the things I couldn't tell them in person because I was just too sad, lost, and felt abandoned," she sighed as she reminisced her message.
"The only problem with it is they did not react to it in any way or form. Don't get me wrong, I didn't write to them in hopes we would start speaking again, or at least not consciously. But they only read my message, and that was all. If they read it, and did not just open it. I'll never know that. And rationally I know that it's okay, and rationally I know that there is no real reaction to what I have written to them. But some really broken part of me makes me want to drop everything I have worked so hard for just because they haven't reacted to my message."
She couldn’t take it anymore, so her story had an abrupt ending, and she just sat down, her head turned down so she didn't have to look at anyone, and she was fidgeting with her fingers until a strong hand stopped her movements. Richard’s hands holding onto hers made her look up to him, her eyes filled with tears. “You did well,” he smiled at her and punctuated his statement with a squeeze.
The rest of the meeting flew by, although Amelia couldn’t concentrate on what had been said after she shared. Richard’s hand never left hers, and half of his eyes were always on her. They were walking out of the room when Amelia said she needed to go to the restroom.
When she didn’t come out even after everyone left, Richard got worried. He knocked on the door before peeking his head in. “Amelia, is everything okay?” But there was no answer, just some quiet sobs. “I am coming in,” he announced before entering the women's restroom.
He found Amelia sitting on the floor, her knees at her chest, and she was quietly sobbing. “Amelia, come on. You did awesome today, I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to talk about Kai in that depth.”
“It wasn’t any harder than thinking about them every second of every day,” she said with a sad smile.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I do, but I can’t. I am not physically able to talk more about them. I just- I need them to hold me. It’s so silly, so much time has passed, but it feels like I am doing worse with every passing day. I miss them more and more. But I am stuck at a dead end…”
“I cannot say that it gets easier, because it probably won’t. Missing Ellis never left me. But with time - and a lot of time - you will learn, adapt to live with the feeling. For me, after probably years, it became a mundane part of my days. It was always there, and it always stung just enough that I couldn’t forget about it for too long. But it became less intense. It wasn’t screaming at the front of my mind, but just whispering at the back,” he smiled sadly as he remembered how he used to feel.
“I wish there was a way for us to have one more chance. Or at least…if I knew that our last kiss was our last one. I probably would have never let them go,” she chuckled as she wiped her tears away. “Oh I would give everything to be able to feel them again. I’m sorry, I’m getting too carried away here.”
“Don’t be sorry. Let it out. I can see how everyone is in the hospital. And I just want you to know that I feel so honored that you trust me this much,” he smiled as he offered his hand to Amelia. She got up and Richard drove her home in a comfortable silence.
***
She was feeling a little bit better. The screaming sounds encouraging her to get high died down, now she was left alone with her thoughts about Kai. But at this point, those were part of her everydays. It didn’t make them less painful, but she has yet to find a way to make them quieter.
She believed Richard. He knew best what she was going through, and he knew about the circumstances that made it even harder. So if he said that it will one day become a mundane sound in the back of her head, all she could do for now is try to survive.
The thought of writing to Kai again resurfaced in her mind. But what would she write? She has already written down everything. Well not everything, but she knew that suggesting that they get back together was useless. They were done.
We are done.
Her spiral of thoughts were stopped by a faint knock on her door. It was so quiet she didn’t even know if she heard it at all, or if it was a trick of her mind again. She slowly got up from the couch, waiting if there would be another knock if she didn’t open the door fast enough. But there wasn't. Just that one little sound. Regardless, she opened the door.
“K- Kai?” she exclaimed as she saw Kai’s slender figure standing in the doorway. They looked defeated, like they haven’t been living like a normal human being for months. “Kai what are you- what are you doing here?” she could feel the tears dwelling in her eyes as they just stood there, without any idea of what to say.
They were trying their hardest to say something, to say anything. But words had let them down. They angrily ran their hand through their hair. Come on brain, think! You convinced me to get on a freaking plane and fly here, you should know what you want to tell her.
“Amelia, I- I don’t know how to not miss you,” they said finally, their voice was nowhere near to their usual confident tone. “I have been trying for months now, to not have you on my mind every single day, but I cannot get you out of my head.”
“Okay, uhm,” Amelia babbled, “I am- I’m quite conflicted, but come inside.”
Kai was hesitant at first, they didn’t know what was going to happen. They knew one thing though, they did not want to fight, they did not want to argue. They just wanted to feel Amelia’s body against theirs again.
They slowly stepped inside, cautious to be far enough from Amelia so they don’t do anything stupid, like wrap her in their arms and kiss her senseless. Amelia closed the door behind them, and locked it properly.
“Why?” Amelia asked simply. “Why have you come back? Why now?” It was clearly visible that she was fighting off tears, and it broke Kai’s heart even more. They tried to stay strong, because if they were to break down, it would probably end up with them taking Amelia to the bedroom.
“Amelia, I don’t know what to do. I am doing the work I was always dreaming about, and I love it. I can see the change I am making, I can see the progress-”
“I am really happy for you. And so-so proud of you, Kai,” she said as she stepped closer to them and tucked their hair behind their ears. “You were meant for that work, and you are doing amazing things.”
It was their last straw; their hands found their place on Amelia’s hips and they pulled her into a tight embrace. Amelia looked up at them, their eyes meeting and they both could feel the tension building. “Kiss me.” Amelia said, and it was more like a command than a request.
They stalled for a moment, not knowing if it was the best idea. It was all they wanted to do, but now that they were there, they could see that it was probably the worst idea.
“Kai Bartley, kiss me.”
They looked into her eyes, and saw longing. They pulled her even closer, if that was possible and kissed her lips. First it was a quick peck, as if they were testing the waters, but then Amelia’s hands found their way into their hair and so they kissed her again. They kissed her with passion; it was a gentle kiss from both sides, like they were trying to savor the moment, prolong it for as long as humanly possible.
When they kissed her all their worries flew out the window. Nothing else mattered, just the fact that Amelia Shepherd was in their arms again, her lips against theirs and they could feel her. They could smell her, they could taste her.
Her hands were messing up their hair, and she was trying to get closer and closer. It was like she wanted to become one with Kai. They did not mind, they wanted the same thing. They needed her. And so their hands slowly descended towards the small of her back until they found her thighs. They grabbed her thighs and lifted her from the ground. She put her legs around their torso, like she did so many times before.
For a split second Kai was unsure about their next move. They didn’t know if they should talk first, or if they should just talk. Whether to just put her down on the counter and continue kissing her, take her to the couch so she could straddle them and see where the whole thing goes from there, or take her straight to the bedroom.
Amelia could sense their indecisiveness so she broke the kiss to whisper in their ear. “Take me to the bedroom, Kai. I’ve missed you so much,” she said as she gently bit their ear.
So they did. They walked slowly to Amelia’s room while she was peppering their neck with gentle kisses. They missed this so much. Feeling Amelia's weight, her body against theirs, her soft and delicate touches. How gentle she was all the while being passionate. She was never afraid to express her feelings, and she didn't hold back now either.
They reached her room, and Kai gently lowered Amelia onto the bed. She sat up and crawled back on the bed so Kai could join her. They were unsure again, just standing at the end of the bed, looking at Amelia.
She was smiling at them, and the longing they first saw in her eyes never left them. She looked at them like there was no one else on the planet, she looked at them like they haven't broken things off all those months ago.
She was eternally beautiful. The break up sure had taken it's toll on her as well, but still, she was the most gorgeous woman Kai has ever seen.
And once again, they were at a dead end. How could they ever live without those two blue eyes looking at them the way they are looking at them? How could they ever live without ever touching her again? How could they ever exist without Amelia Shepherd?
"Come here," Amelia raised to her knees and went up to Kai. "Everything will be fine," she smiled as she cupped their cheeks and kissed them attentively.
"I don't know what to do," they sighed, breaking the kiss. "I don't want to further complicate things. And I don't know what- what I want."
"Okay, listen to me. What do you want right now, in this moment?"
"You."
"Then take me. I am right here, so take me."
"But-"
"No buts, Kai. You must have a reason why you've flown here. If you want me, if you've missed me, show me. Show me in the purest form I know you can. And let me show you. Because right now, I want you more than anything else."
“Amelia, I don’t think this is the best-” they couldn’t finish their sentence because Amelia shut them up with her lips. They closed their eyes and just cherished the moment.
Amelia’s lips against their own, their hands sneaking down to the hem of her shirt, pulling it just a bit so their fingers were brushing against her naked skin. They sighed into the kiss, letting the last of their guard down, giving way to their desires.
Amelia’s tongue was begging for entry in a way it has never. Sweet and controlling at the same time, needy and giving. It was more than obvious that she needed them. She wanted them, just as much as they needed and wanted her.
She was careful. Like one wrong movement and they would be gone again. They were careful as well. Like Amelia was the most fragile thing they had ever held in their hands. Both of their touches were so delicate, so attentive and passionate. It was true love making.
They parted, and Amelia looked them in the eyes as she slowly lifted their shirt off their body. Her touches lit their whole body on fire, they were shaking with anticipation. “Kai, you are shaking,” Amelia said, her voice filled with worry.
“It’s fine, it’s not a bad thing, trust me,” they smiled, kissing her lips.
She hugged them close as they were gently stroking her back up and down. Their hands went down and played with the hem of her jeans. “You can take them off,” she said smiling.
“Are you sure?”
“100%. Trust me, Kai. I want this. I want you . Do you want me ?”
“I want you more than anything or anyone, Amelia. I just don’t want to mess this up more,” they sighed.
Amelia cupped their face and made them look into her eyes. “We will sort things out, trust me.”
***
They were lying next to each other, naked bodies flushed against the other. Amelia’s head was on Kai’s chest, carefully listening to their heartbeats, while Kai’s hand was drawing mindless patterns on her back, keeping her extra close to their body.
They were enjoying the calmness after their passionate love making. It was true love making, in its purest form. They both were aware of the seriousness of the situation, they were both the most attentive and gentle ever. The whole thing was filled with exploration, memorization, kisses on every inch of the body. Paying attention to the other’s needs, featherlight touches and kisses.
It wasn’t the hungry and dominant sex. It was careful, gentle. It was the perfect showing of both of their longing and needing of each other. There were no aggressive make outs. It was just the both of them in the whole world, and the very painful thought that it might be their last time together.
“What are you thinking about?” Amelia asked, raising her head so she could look them in the eyes.
“You. You and me. Us. The future.”
“Loads of thoughts,” she chuckled. “Do you want to talk?”
“Yes. But no. I just want to stay in this moment forever,” Kai sighed. “Now everything is so perfect. There are no problems, just you and me. Mainly you. I have you here, and Amelia Shepherd, there is no better feeling than this.”
“But this is not reality anymore…”
“No, I guess it’s not. And I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t always have to know what to do. Sometimes it’s useful to just go with the flow. Just go with whatever life presents you with.”
“You know I am not so good at that.”
“I know, but what I am saying is that you can try it. You sometimes just have to ask yourself ‘what do I want?’ Sometimes you have to say ‘fuck all those plans’, because you know things can come up that change the original plans.”
Kai didn’t reply immediately. They let Amelia’s words sit with them. Their hand never left her back, but one of hers slowly sneaked up to their cheek, gently caressing it. They looked into her eyes and they could see hope there. They didn’t want to break her heart again, but they knew they were presented with an impossible choice.
“I came back because I couldn’t comprehend the thought that I didn’t know our last kiss would be the last one. My whole body kept aching for you, Amelia. And I didn’t know how to make it stop. I don’t want to have a last kiss, I don’t want to lose you-”
“But?”
“But I don’t know how to navigate through this situation. What I am doing in London is really world changing. I can’t just give it up.”
“But I can’t move to London,” Amelia smiled sadly. “And Seattle-London is just too far for any kind of relationship, as you said.”
“Please don’t say that. It hurts more hearing it,” they sighed as Amelia leaned in closer to kiss them.
“ But you are here now. Maybe we can just focus on that?”
“I don’t think I am up for another round now.”
“I didn’t mean sex. We can just stay here, you can hold me just that bit closer and we can just stay here for a second. Without any problems. Just you and me.”
“And what happens when the second is over?”
Amelia sat up, taking Kai’s hands into her own and squeezed them. “You will go back to London, continue your amazing work. You will continue to make me immensely proud. And you will walk around the city, meet an amazing British lady who will make you forget me. You will be the happiest ever, I can guarantee you that, Kai Bartley,” she said, tears running down on her cheeks.
“No. That is never going to happen. First of all, you are self-deprecating again. Trust me, Amelia Shepherd, you are unforgettable. I could never ever forget about you, even if I wanted to. No one could ever replace you, you ruined me for anyone else,” they chuckled sadly. “And second, I don’t think I could ever be truly happy without you.”
They sat up as well, leaned against the headboard of the bed and pulled Amelia to sit in front of them, her back pressed against their front. Her skin against theirs lit fires in their whole body, and they pulled her closer by her waist, leaving their hand there.
“I don’t know what to do,” they said, feeling like that was all they could say all night. “I am stuck between you and this job. And I feel like I can’t give up either of you.”
“You said you came back because you weren’t okay with our last kiss being the last and we didn’t know about it. So now you do know that we had our last time, and you will know that our last kiss will be the last.”
“I never want to have any lasts with you.”
“Neither do I, but things don’t seem to be in our favor now. And we either have to be okay with it, or find a way to fight.”
“I want to fight for you , but I don’t know how. It’s so easy when I have you here. I look into your eyes, and it feels like I don’t need answers because I have you .”
Amelia turned in their arms, so now she was straddling them. She looked them in the eyes. “Tell me what you see in my eyes now,” she said as she held their face gently.
“I see…I see everything I ever want to see. They are so calming, and so damn beautiful. Like a labyrinth but I am willing to get lost. Because if I get lost in them, it means I get to stay there forever. And that is something I want to do.”
“And looking into my eyes, what do they tell you? What does your inside tell you? Do they have an answer for you?”
“My inside tells me to keep fighting for this gorgeous woman. To never give up on her. Your eyes tell me that we are strong enough to make it work. Your eyes, you give me hope.”
“What I see in your eyes is that you are stronger than you think you are, Kai Bartley. Whatever you set your mind on, you will do everything to achieve that.”
“Don’t my eyes tell you what I should do?” Kai asks with a sour laugh.
“I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you my side.”
“I’m listening.”
“I haven’t been able to function as a normal human being ever since you left. Yes, London is extremely far, but you felt further. Would it be totally exhausting keeping up long distance there? Yes. But! But at the end of every day I would know that I still have you. And to me that thought would give enough energy to keep pushing, to keep working, to keep waiting for our schedules to line up so one of us could visit.”
“Amelia Shepherd, you keep making me fall more and more in love with you,” Kai said frustrated as they ran their hand through their hair.
“I love you, Kai Bartley. I will forever love you, no matter what happens. The choice is your,” Amelia said. She leaned in closer and connected their lips in a gentle kiss. Neither of them rushed it, they took their time just lips dancing against each other, slow strokes on each other’s bodies. Amelia deepened the kiss as she pulled on Kai’s hair carefully. Their tongues met and both of them moaned into the kiss.
The kiss was slow, passionate, and delicate. They didn’t part until it was absolutely necessary. Foreheads were pressed together as Amelia took a deep breath before speaking.
“So was this our last time? Was this our last kiss ?”