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Kawi had been so absent-minded. He had been trying to do too much. He had been trying to not tank his school work, fix his future and manage this situation with Pisaeng. It really was exhausting. No wonder he hadn’t done it before. It would be impossible to be motivated to maneuver all this if he didn’t know where he needed to get to at the end - something better, and not just for him, but for his Pa, Pear and Pisaeng, too.
Well, he hoped for Pisaeng. Kawi wasn't so sure, but Pisaneg had said that it was better this way. For them to be what they were to each other now. Kawi couldn’t really explain what happened that night. Yes, it was drunkenness, but he remembered every part of it. Kawi had never been cared for by anyone like that. That was more intoxicating than the alcohol. He…he…well, there was no use thinking about it anymore. Pisaeng was right about one thing. Kawi needed to focus.
And he was sucking at it. Pisaeng had called Kawi not fifteen minutes after he left school to tell him that he left his homework notebook on top of the stack of Pisaeng’s books. Pisaeng was going to come over and give them to Kawi so he wouldn’t have to worry about late assignments in addition to what was happening with his Pa. Because that’s just what Pisaeng did. Whatever Kawi needed.
Max was a great friend in so many ways. But Pisaeng, was somehow something else entirely. And Kawi couldn't shake it. He could never have guessed what a caring person Pisaeng could be. He had written him off as an arrogant jerk. Kawi was never good at reading people, but he had never been this wrong before. Pisaeng was someone who gave way more than Kawi deserved. Maybe that’s what Kawi was feeling - gratitude - he was so very grateful for Pisaeng's friendship.
There was a quick knock on the door. Of course, Pisaeng was there in no time. He swayed in like he owned the place, barely waiting for Kawi to tell him to enter. He had that smug smile on his face, the one he gave when he knew he was absolutely saving Kawi’s ass.
“What would you do without me?” he asked, handing the notebook to Kawi.
“Not have to lend my notes to someone who can’t seem to keep himself organized in class,” he retorted, dryly.
Now that they had come to an understanding, this is what they did - a good jab here and there. Kawi liked it. He never had to be careful with Pisaeng. With everyone else in his life he was walking on the thinnest of ice, hoping he didn’t take the wrong step and fall through. It almost seemed like there could never be a wrong step with Pisaeng, somehow. He saw all the awful things about Kawi and still came back, again and again. Even with what Kawi had just done, drunkenly acting on impulse, Pisaeng was just there, telling Kawi it would be okay.
So, of course he should listen to Pisaeng and let it all lie. If he tried to talk about it more, apologize more, understand more, anything could happen. And why would he want to screw this up?
“I told you, people like me. I always have someone who lets me borrow their notes.” He walked behind Kawi, scanning his bulletin board. He leaned down over his shoulder and said, “But you have the best ones.”
“Ha ha,” Kawi gave a wry laugh, but he enjoyed the implication that Pisaeng thought Kawi was smart. He had said some things along those lines often. He was the only one who seemed to think so.
He rounded Kawi’s side. His smug grin turned into a beaming smile as he reached for the little turtle plushie. “A place of honor,” he said, giving him a little squish. “He is pretty cute. I get why you wanted him now.”
“Hey, put him down,” Kawi said, snatching him out of Pisaeng’s hands.
Pisaeng frowned. “I put a lot of effort into getting him, you know.”
“I figured,” Kawi said, placing the turtle back on his desk and patting its head. “I saw you trying to play that game. You’re terrible at it.”
“There’s nothing I’m not good at,” he said, and made a little oomph sound.
His voice was so thick with something that it sent a shiver down Kawi’s spine. It made him turn around completely. Pisaeng was now sitting down on Kawi’s bed as if he owned the place. He first gave Kawi a little eyebrow flutter, an extra teasing look on his face. He always knew how to push Kawi’s buttons, how to light a fire of annoyance in him.
Kawi made a noise of dismissal and moved to stand in front of him on the bed. Pisaeng had leaned back, propping himself up with his arms and scanning the whole room.
“There’s nothing new to see here. Everything’s the same. Thank you for the help, but I should do some work.”
Piaeng tilted his head. “You really think you can do some work tonight? Are you going to be able to focus with your dad coming tomorrow?”
Kawi screwed up his face at Pisaeng. He hated it when Pisaeng was so right. He could stand to be wrong more often. Then he’d be more easy to tolerate.
“Hey what’s that?” Pisaeng said, popping up from the bed. He was too fast. Kawi couldn’t get to him before he picked up the crystal ball and was inspecting it. “Does it play music? How does it work, if I twist it?”
“No, don’t!” Kawi said, grabbing it away from Pisaeng. But the motion was too erratic and the crystal ball was smooth and strangely shaped so it slipped out of Kawi’s hand. It bounced on his desk and then Pisaeng caught it before it landed on the floor.
Pisaeng was standing there, the crystal ball in his hand, looking at Kawi with a look of pure confusion. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. You had just said something funny about it when you were drunk so I was curious.”
“I said something about it when I was drunk?” Kawi actually didn’t remember that. “Wait, Pisaeng, what’s on your hands?”
PIsaeng lifted his palm from the globe and it was covered in a sparkly purple dust.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Kawi said, snatching the crystal ball and holding it up. He turned it over under the light, but it didn’t look broken like before.
Pisaeng wiped his hands together, shaking some of the strange powder onto the floor. “Oh sorry, what a mess. I’ll clean it up.”
“No, no. It’s okay. I’ll get it. It looks like it wasn’t much anyway,” Kawi said, looking at the ground which really didn’t seem to have much there. Where did it go? He swore it was covering Pisaeng’s hands. “I just…could you just go? I really need to focus on my dad right now.”
“Oh, right,” Pisaeng said, looking crestfallen. Kawi hated making Pisaeng feel like he was agitating him, but Kawi couldn’t tell Pisaeng that he needed to try to find out if the crystal ball was broken or not.
“We’ll hang out again soon. I’ll call you after I know what’s happening with my Pa.”
Pisaeng nodded, brushing his hands together again, as if they felt like they still had some of the dust on them, but they looked perfectly clean now. In fact, so did the floor. Kawi hoped that was a good sign and not one that the magic was somehow disappearing.
Pisaeng made a resigned face. It was always his expresssion when they drew a stark line with each other. He gave a little wave and said, “Talk to you later then,” and left Kawi’s room.
Kawi gave it a couple of minutes before he dashed out of his dorm room, crystal ball in hand. He didn’t know how to find the uncle who helped him fix it, but he had only found him in one place when he most needed him, so he took off to the same park bench hoping he would somehow return.
As he sat on the bench, overheated and nervous, he considered the idea that he could simply test it. But he didn’t know how many chances he had left. He hadn't done any of the work he set out to do and if it was somehow partially broken, who knows what the result of using it would be.
Kawi was about to leave and try to come up with another idea or return another day, when the uncle came out of nowhere and sat next to him.
“Still haven’t fixed everything, it seems,” the uncle said sitting down next to Kawi.
“Of course I haven’t! It hasn’t even been that long!”
“Oh, so did you come here for a reason or just to yell at me?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell uncle. I’m just worried about my friend and the crystal ball. My friend dropped it and it seems okay, but some weird purple sparkly stuff came out of it.”
The uncle held out his hand to take the crystal ball and made a thoughtful humming noise as he examined it. “It may have lost a little of its magic so you should be mindful that the number of times you have left to use it could be less. And be more careful with it. How many times must you drop this thing?”
“Oh uncle, I was careful! I told you, my friend picked it up and I thought he might accidentally use it. And then he got that stuff all over his hands and I didn’t know what to do.”
“Oh, I see,” said the uncle, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
“What? What’s wrong? What’s going to happen to Pisaeng?”
“The crystal ball’s magic is fueled by your deepest desires so getting the pure magic on you might have some strange effects.”
“Strange effects? Like what? Will it hurt Pisaeng? How can I help him?” Kawi said, hearing the panic rise in his own voice.
“Nothing that happens will be permanent, but it could be unpleasant if he can’t obtain what he desires most.”
“How would it be unpleasant? Why are you not giving me details?”
The old man shrugged. “Because like everything, it must run its course.”
“Wait, but I also got a little on me. Does that mean I’ll have effects, too?”
“Could be,” the man said, rocking his head back and forth as if weighing the possibility. “But if your friend had most of it, you might not have touched enough to have an effect.”
“What do I do then to help him?”
“Like I said, it won’t have any lasting effects. He may not feel well for a while. You’d have to ask him how to best help him because only he knows what he needs to rid the magic effects.”
“Okay,” Kawi said. At least he had some focus. “I just need to figure out what Pisaeng desires most and get it for him? Should be easy.” Kawi could actually ask Pisaeng. Talking to Pisaeng is probably one of the easiest solutions to the many complicated problems in Kawi’s life. He had handled traveling through time multiple times, he could handle this too. He had to, for Pisaeng.
Kawi got up from the bench and turned to thank the uncle for his guidance yet again, but just as fast as he had appeared, he was gone. His phone started buzzing immediately.
Max was leaving him messages:
did you see Pisaeng today?
did something happen?
he’s acting kind of strange
Kawi started typing rapid fire.
where are you?
the bar I took you to
be right there
Kawi spent the time on the bus there imagining so many scenarios. Was Pisaeng in pain? No, Max would have taken him to the hospital if that was the case. Was Pisaeng disoriented? Sleepy? What did kind of strange even mean? He tried to call Max because he couldn’t stand it anymore, but there wasn’t any answer. Great.
What did Pisaeng desire most? Had Kawi even considered it before. Some friend he was. Maybe Kawi simply didn't want to know the answer. What if Kawi asked and what Pisaeng desired most was to get rid of Kawi out of his life for good?
Kawi shook it off. No, come on, Pisaeng had helped Kawi figure out how to manage all the chaotic things in his life. He said things should stay as they were. He wasn't going to leave Kawi.
When Kawi arrived at the bar, he burst into the door and scanned the room. It was dark inside, cut through only by flashing colored lights that revealed a full dance floor. The bright revealing bursts moved with the beat of the music, the base loud enough to vibrate though Kawi as he walked toward the DJ. Still, he landed on Max easily standing on the edge of the dance floor nursing a drink, but there was no sign of Pisaeng.
A feeling of dread shot through Kawi. Where was he?
“Max,” he said, grabbing his arm. “What’s going on? Where’s Pisaeng?”
“Hey, Kawi, what happened today? Did Pisaeng get some bad news or good news or something?”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s just so…,” he turned his attention toward the far corner of the dance floor. There was Pisaeng, dancing, with a couple of really attractive guys. “...out there.”
“Has he been drinking?”
“Not a drop.”
He watched Pisaeng, smiling, seeming to have a better time than Kawi had ever seen him have with another person and thought better of making his presence known. Is this what Pisaeng most desired? Finding somehow who wants him back?
Kawi wished a little bit that the magic had affected him so he could understand what was happening to Pisaeng. But he didn’t feel any different, he barely even thought about Pear. So he must have not gotten enough on him.
Kawi had decided to wait until Pisaeng stopped dancing to see how he was feeling. He would just stay there patiently. He'd be there just in case Pisaeng needed him. He'd keep a steady watch. It seemed like the best plan until one of the men slid their hand around Pisaeng’s waist. Kawi dropped his bag on the table and immediately took off toward them.
“Pisaeng,” he said, folding his arms, as he looked up and down the stranger who had his smarmy hands on Pisaeng. He was a little shorter than Pisaeng, strong jaw, nice smile. Kawi didn’t like the looks of him at all. He didn’t know what effect the magic was having on Pisaeng’s decision-making ability and Kawi owed it to him to protect him from any assholes who might want to take advantage of the situation.
“Kawi!” Pisaeng said, throwing his arms up, but still dancing. “I thought you were staying home?”
“I changed my mind,” he mumbled. He gave the men a look that he hoped made clear how unwanted they were.
“Oh well, this is Pat and Akk. They were showing me some dance moves.” The one not holding Pisaeng’s waist smiled at Kawi and waved. Great. Kawi made a sour face. No, this is not some kind of double hookup, thank you very much.
“Pisaeng, I think we should go.”
“Why? I’m having fun.”
“You shouldn’t have fun without me.”
“Oh sorry, are you two…” the one named Akk asked, removing his hand from Pisaeng’s waist.
“Oh right, yes, this is my boyfriend and you should get the hell out of here,” Kawi said with a sneer.
“Kawi,” Pisaeng said, his voice stern. “What’re you doing?
“Just come with me!” Kawi grabbed Pisaeng’s forearm and hauled him off the dance floor to the far corner of the room as Akk and Pat waved them goodbye.
“What are you doing, Kawi? What’s going on?” Pisaeng was clearly irritated now.
“I was helping you, you ass, didn’t I say so?”
“I didn’t ask for your help. I liked talking to them.”
“Yeah,” Kawi scoffed. “I’m sure that’s all they wanted to do…talk.”
“What business is that of yours anyway?” Pisaeng’s voice was louder now. He stepped forward leaning over Kawi, whose back was now up against the wall. “I don’t understand you, Kawi.”
Kawi stood up straight to meet Pisaeng’s eye line. “Those guys wanted to take advantage of your state. I was rescuing you,” Kawi yelled back.
“I’m not drunk, Kawi!” Pisaeng yelled back. “Besides, you know I have no interest in anyone else!”
The air was heavy between them. Kawi was digging his hands into his trousers. He wanted to calm down and explain why he was worried, but his heart was beating too fast. It was distracting. Pisaeng was breathing heavily too, his lips slightly parted, and Kawi thought that even when tense like this, Pisaeng’s lips probably still felt soft and comforting.
After a minute of staring each other down Pisaeng finally said softly, “Why are you doing this to me?”
“I…,” Kawi grasped for the words. “I went to talk to the man who gave me the music box. He said that the stuff in it is some sort of…” Damn, he really should have worked on this story before. “A herb! It’s a herb that might make you feel weird and I didn’t want whatever it did to you to make you do something you’d regret.”
Pisaeng’s expression softened. “Oh,” he said, stepping back. “Yeah, I do feel something different, but I thought, I don’t know, I thought I was just still being an idiot.” His last words were loud, the music dipping and easing into something melodic and gentle. Kawi wanted to ask what that meant, but the shift in the music seemed to click something inside Pisaeng. His expression changed, his eyes darkened. “Let’s dance,” he said, holding his hand out to Kawi.
“Pisaeng, what? Why?”
“You told those guys you were my boyfriend. I think I deserve one dance for agreeing to go along with your very lame story.”
Kawi rolled his eyes, but cracked a smile. He could dance with Pisaeng once. It would help keep Pisaeng from doing anything stupid for a little while longer at least.
Just like everything Pisaeng did, he was smooth in this respect too. When Kawi gave him his hand, Pisaeng grasped it gently and walked him out to the dance floor. He pulled Kawi close, sliding his hand around to place his palm on Kawi’s lower back. He then pulled their clasped hands up in between them, holding them against his chest. It was much more natural than Kawi had anticipated. It was only a few seconds before they found the beat together, drifting closer, as the whole room seemed to settle to the rhythm.
Pisaeng looked down at him, his expression so enthralling, Kawi’s breath caught. This had to be part of the magic. “What’s happening to me, Kawi?” he asked, so calmly, so earnestly. It hit Kawi hard. Pisaeng really did trust Kawi completely. How was that even possible?
“The uncle said that it would increase your need for your greatest desire,” he blurted. Damn. Kawi sounded like the one drugged now.
Pisaeng tightened his hold around Kawi and pulled him in closer as they continued to sway back and forth. Despite the absolute nonsense answer Kawi gave, his expression was thoughtful. “This is the music box that brought you from the future, huh?”
“Huh?” Kawi asked, pushing back from Pisaeng. “What are you talking about?”
“I told you earlier today. You mentioned it the night you slept at my house.”
“And what, you believe that? I was clearly drunk and dreaming.”
Pisaeng was now breathing hard. He raised his hand and caressed Kawi’s face. “I know something out of the ordinary is happening to me right now. I don’t know why. It’s okay if you don’t want to explain, but yeah, I’ll believe whatever you tell me.” He let out a slow breath. “Which is why I need to go home.”
“Okay, yes, let me get my bag and we can go.”
“No,” Pisaeng said, his voice firm. “I should go on my own.”
“No way, Pisaeng. You can’t be alone right now. We don’t know what is really happening to you.”
“I have a pretty good idea,” he said, no longer looking directly at Kawi. “I can take care of myself, Kawi. It’s fine.”
“Will you stop being stubborn and let me help you?” Kawi let out a huff of frustration, but he knew that wasn’t helpful. He made his voice softer, more careful. “I don’t want you to be alone. Everything that’s been happening to me lately has been so big. It’s knocked me over again and again, but you’ve been there every time to hold me up while I found solid footing. You’ve helped me over and over again. Let me help you, please.”
“Kawi, you can’t.”
“I know I’m useless. I know I've never helped you in the same way, but please let me try.”
“No, Kawi you really can’t.”
“Why, Pisaeng, why can’t I help you this one time?”
“Because, what I desire most…?” He closed his eyes as if bracing for impact. “That’s you, Kawi. Being with you. The way I want to be. Close to you.”
The words held the heaviest of implications. There was no room for misinterpretation what Pisaeng meant. “Oh,” Kawi said. He could feel his face heating. He didn’t want it to. He shouldn’t feel embarrassed. It wasn’t like Pisaeng was forcing anything on Kawi. He knew Pisaeng’s feelings, but this aspect of it, he’d kind of glazed over what that meant physically besides their kiss.
Kawi needed Pisaeng to know that he wasn’t scared of him wanting Kawi that way. It didn’t matter to him. He only wanted to figure out a way to help the best he could. “I can handle you feeling that way. I can still help in other ways.”
Pisaeng looked skeptical. Kawi stepped forward again, he shook their clasped hands. “Look at us,” he said. “I’m not scared of how you feel about me, even if that’s what’s making you feel strange right now. Don’t try to be alone with it. Let’s figure out how to help you get through it together.”
“Through it. So this won’t last?”
“No, it won’t last. It will just be uncomfortable until it has ‘run its course’ he said with air quotes. We’ll find a way to make it better. Let me help you, please.”
Pisaeng gave a small nod of assent. They walked over to Max who had been nursing a drink while supervising Kawi’s bag.
“Do you need help with him?” Max asked, eying Pisaeng. To anyone who didn’t know what had happened to him, he could look mostly normal, but Max's wasn't just anyone. His attention had fallend to where their hands were still clasped together. He looked back up at Kawi pointedly.
“No, it’s fine. Really. I’ll take care of him. He just didn’t have enough to eat today.” Max gave him a questioning look. “And he also got too much sun.”
“And an allergic reaction,” Pisaeng cut in, nodding along helpfully. “Kawi’s going to take care of me,” he added with a dopey grin.
Max narrowed his eyes at Pisaeng evaluatively. Pisaeng simply smiled back. It was a normal expression for him when he was teasing Kawi and being very smug about it. “That is not normal. But fine, look, just…don’t tell me anything about this later,” Max said.
Kawi was going to argue that it clearly wasn’t what Max thought it was, but it wasn’t worth the fight right now. Kawi would fill Max in on as much as he could later.
The cab ride to Pisaeng’s apartment was quiet, but Kawi kept feeling Pisaeng’s eyes on him. After a while, he couldn’t help but ask, “What is it?” to keep from feeling like he was under some microscope.
“You’re really gorgeous. You know that, right?”
“Pisaeng!” Kawi said. “You really do have your mind scrambled.”
Pisaeng frowned. “That’s not what you said was happening. You said what I desired most was just being intensified, right?” He turned to look out the window. “I always think this, I just don’t say it. But you said you could handle it.”
“I can!” Kawi said. “I’m just getting used to it. That’s all. It’s fine.” He hadn’t noticed until that moment that Pisaeng’s hands were twisting in the straps of his bag. He was so much more tense than Kawi had realized. “Does saying those kind of things help? Getting out whatever is going through your head?”
Pisaeng shrugged. “A little, I think.”
“Then compliment me all you want. I can take it.”
“You’re so funny, Kawi,” he said with a laugh.
Kawi flashed an awkward smile. “See, no problem.”
Pisaeng’s eyes softened. He raised his hand and stopped. He had been clearly intending to reach out and caught himself, returning his hand to the strap of his bag and twisting it again.
When they got to Pisaeng’s place, Kawi couldn’t help but ask, “Is your mom here? Or is she gonna show up again and scare the crap out of me?”
PIsaeng laughed louder this time. “No, she’s gone until next week. No unexpected visitors.”
“Good,” Kawi said. “I’m glad we’re alone.”
“Are you?” Pisaeng asked. He got that glassy-eyed look he sometimes had, but it was exponentially dreamier. Like he had completely lost his tether with reality and Kawi had some sort of magical halo around him.
“Pisaeng, I’m not that great. Maybe it would help to make a list of my flaws. Maybe that would tamp this all down.”
“Doubt it.” His expression was wistful. “It’s not so bad. It’s not much different than any other day.”
This had to be the magic making him say these things. There was no way any of this could actually be true. He put down his bag and said, “Well, what would help. We could eat something?”
“No, that’s not a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“You’re adorable when you eat.”
Kawi groaned.
“I mean it.”
“Okay, fine. What about a movie?”
“Sitting alone together in the dark? You think that would help calm me down?”
“Are you really all that worked up?” Kawi asked. He seemed like the same old Pisaeng to him.
Pisaeng moved closer to Kawi and held out his hand. Kawi eyed him suspiciously but surrendered his own. Pisaeng took his wrist and placed Kawi’s palm to his chest. It was thumping hard at an alarming rate.
“Shit, Pisaeng, do we need to get you to the hospital?”
“No, Kawi,” he said, with a sad smile. “This is just me being excited.”
“Okay well, what would help then?”
“Well, I could go into my room for a little bit.”
Kawi frowned. “Why would you do that?”
Pisaeng raised his eyebrows. The implication hit Kawi like a bolt out of the blue, but he did not allow himself an obviously reaction. He was the picture of self control, well almost. His face had to be red. He couldn’t control that, but he wasn’t going to shame Pisaeng for suggesting it. That’s how Kawi would deal with being horny too, although it didn’t happen to him that often. Why would Pisaeng be any different? Kawi had never really considered it because Pisaeng was so controlled in this aspect of his feelings.
But Kawi could see now, something was happening that Pisaeng was fighting. His jaw was tense. His shoulders were tight. He let his eyes close every so often as he breathed slowly. Kawi had this intense impulse to just wrap his arms around Pisaeng again. It had all felt better at the club when they were closer. Now, it felt all messed up again. Like Kawi was abandoning Pisaeng to deal with this all by himself.
“What if…,” Kawi began, almost scared to fully say what he was thinking. “What if I go in there with you. I mean, just to be there. So you aren’t alone. I can close my eyes or hold a pillow or whatever. I can’t bear the idea you’re on your own.”
Pisaeng looked somewhat confused. “Don’t you think that’s crossing a line?”
“Maybe,” Kawi said, knowing that he was trying to soften it. Of course it was crossing a line. Kawi just didn’t care. “But if you would be okay with it, so am I.”
Pisaeng seemed to be having some sort of internal war, but it didn’t last long. After a minute, Pisaeng simply said, “Okay,” and left the kitchen to head toward his bedroom.
Kawi’s entire insides were doing somersaults. He had no idea how this would go, he just knew that he wanted to be with Pisaeng through this.
He walked into Pisaeng’s bedroom and Kawi was hit with the memory of sleeping in his bed, waking up with the smell of Pisaeng all around him. Of course, the entire room still smelled of Pisaeng, that clean, fresh smell he had. It was some sort of unbelievable mix of fresh laundry and the beach. Maybe the latter was some sort of cologne he wore since Kawi could remember thinking that’s how he smelled before.
Pisaeng sat down on the end of his bed, seeming to be in a bit of a daze. Kawi moved behind him, scooting up on the bed, facing Pisaeng’s back. “You don’t have to look at me,” he said.
PIsang dropped his head and sighed heavily again. “Kawi, I don’t know if I can do this.” His voice was unsteady. “But I also don’t know if I can stand this much longer. I should just go.”
He went to stand, but Kawi was immediately at his back, hand on his shoulder. He grabbed him tightly to keep Pisaeng in place. Kawi reached forward with his free hand, placing it on top of Pisaeng’s that was resting on the bed. Kawi moved his fingers back and forth over the smooth skin of the back of Pisaeng's hand, intending a reassuring touch. It seemed to be more to Pisaeng. He let out a noise in response that Kawi had never heard from him before. It was like a low, barely escaped moan. It was unbelievable.
He had to let Pisaeng know that was okay. “I’ll be right here,” Kawi said to Pisaeng’s back.
Pisaeng was breathing hard, his shoulders moving with the effort, but he still didn’t move.
“Unzip your pants,” Kawi said, moving his other hand to gently stroke Pisaeng’s back.
Pisaeng's posture deflated as if in defeat. A slow shift of Pisaeng’s body followed, a clinking of his belt and a shuffle of material. And then Pisaeng's head fell back, a startling noise of relief escaping from his throat.
Kawi was all stirred up. He had never known how intense it could be to be close to someone feeling this way. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Pisaeng’s hand was moving faster, making the bed shake a bit and Kawi began to wonder what exactly it looked like when Pisaeng touched himself like this.
Kawi was overwhelmed with an ache deep down inside of him, one that he hadn’t really ever experienced before. It propelled him forward, Kawi moving himself so that he was right behind Pisaeng. That’s when he caught a glimpse. From the angle they were sitting, you could see the mirrors on Pisaeng’s closet door and the reflection of them sitting on the bed. Pisaeng’s eyes were still closed, his cock was out of his pants and he was rubbing himself steadily. Then there was a shift. He touched himself faster. The hand Kawi was holding was digging into the mattress and Pisaeng was making occasional grunting noises that was making Kawi crazy.
Pisaeng then bit his lip in a way that made Kawi want to bite it, too.
“Pisaeng,” Kawi whispered right at his ear. Pisaeng’s eyelids flew open, a look of shock on his face as their eyes met. “It’s okay,” Kawi said, soothingly. “I want you to feel better.”
Pisaeng’s body tensed, his legs shaking and his hand grasping the head of his cock as he was taken over by his orgasm. It was fucking amazing. Kawi didn’t think he had ever felt the way Pisaeng looked like he was feeling, but he definitely wanted to.
“Fuck,” Pisaeng muttered between gasps. Kawi was concerned that he didn’t look relieved. He still looked tense.
“What’s wrong?” Kawi asked. “Didn’t that help?”
Pisaeng picked his head up, facing the mirror. His expression looked so broken. “No, because you’re still here.”
“Why, what’s it matter? You got off. Wouldn’t that help?”
“I don’t know, Kawi. I just know I still want you.”
Well this was ridiculous. It should have helped. It was a good plan. If Pisaeng was still hard, then he’d just have to try again. Or maybe Kawi needed to try again. He shifted his body so he was sitting behind Pisaeng, his legs bracketing Pisaeng’s legs, Pisaeng’s back fully against Kawi’s chest. He could no longer see Pisaeng to determine if he reacted to it, but Pisaeng must have been able to feel Kawi. He was very hard. Kawi was so very turned on by this entire situation. He really needed to figure out how to help Pisaeng or else, they would likely both be in even more trouble.
He moved his hand slowly around Pisaeng’s waist and let it rest on his upper thigh. “Let me help,” he said into the back of Pisaeng’s shirt, gently stroking Pisaeng’s thigh.
“Kawi,” Pisaeng said, turning his head to try to talk to Kawi behind him. “That’s too much.”
“No, Pisaeng it’s not. I want to. Just let me do this for you.” He reached farther around Pisaeng and found his erection. It was hot and damp and yes, still intensely hard. He moved his hand over it and Pisaeng let out a strangled sound.
“Kawi,” he said his name again, this time it was a plea. He sounded like a man who was begging to be put out of his misery.
Kawi could probably make Pisaeng come like this, he could reach him, stroke him, but he couldn’t see him. He couldn’t see if what he was doing was something Pisaeng wanted and he sounded so heartbreakingly on edge, Kawi couldn’t keep going this way. He got up on his knees, but still returned his body close to Pisaeng, he let his lips drop to the patch of exposed skin above Pisaeng’s collar. He mouth that spot now able to see in the mirror as Pisaseng let his eyes close again, raising his arm up to lightly touch Kawi’s hair.
And fuck, yes, this was right. Kawi knew that Pisaeng liked him, he knew this was helping whatever pain he was experiencing as he was holding everything in. Kawi cared so much about Pisaeng it made his chest ache. He had helped Kawi so much, he had been there for Kawi so many times. All Kawi wanted was to help him.
Kawi stopped mouthing Pisaeng’s neck and pulled up, ready to figure out how to move forward. But before he could act, Pisaeng turned toward him. The look on his face still held a bit of uncertainty, but he pushed toward Kawi, crowding him back to the head of the bed.
Kawi was honestly not certain if he was pulling Pisaeng or being led by Pisaeng and it really didn't matter. They both ended up together where they wanted to be - facing each other, lying in Pisaeng's bed. Here Kawi finally got a chance to really, truly look at Pisaeng. His shirt was untucked, his pants half open, there was a flush across his face that spread down his neck. His eyelashes fluttered as he looked at Kawi through them, still appearing somewhat uncertain. His lips were a dark pink and he was licking them as if readying himself for what was about to happen next.
That sign, that Pisaeng was anticipating them touching again, pushed Kawi from the edge of uncertainty. He took Pisaeng’s mouth into his, working his lips to bring Pisaeng closer and closer. He took special care to suck lightly on Pisaeng’s bottom lip. Kawi had noticed so many times how he kinda bit it when thoughtful, when upset, when uncertain. Kawi wanted to taste it, to soothe it, to kiss it so much Pisaeng could not tuck it away.
But it was only brief moments before Pisaeng pulled back, starid down Kawi, holding him in place. “We didn’t say kissing. Remember last time.”
“I remember all of last time,” Kawi said.
“Kawi, are you drunk? Seriously? I can’t…I can’t take advantage of you or this situation.”
“I haven’t had anything to drink.” He raised his hand to Pisaeng’s face, moving his thumb over his cheek. “You’re not taking advantage of anything. I really care about you and I want to help you. And it’s nice, being this close to you. I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone.”
Pisaeng’s eyes darkened as the words seemed to sink into him. Then Pisaeng’s mouth was back on Kawi like water bursting through a dam. Kawi had never been more overwhelmed with physical desire in his life. He didn’t really understand what was happening to him, but he knew he liked kissing Pisaeng. Even before Kawi kissed him, he couldn't stop thinking about kissing Pisaeng. It had been scary, yes, but the more he thought about it, it was scary in a what the hell might happen kinda way, not in a he would never want this kinda way.
Pisaeng’s hands were all over Kawi, every touch made Kawi feel more and more excited, more and more raw. Careful Pisaeng had left. This Pisaeng felt like someone who had been locked up without hope, finally tasting freedom. Their hips pressed together. they were rubbing their erections against each other and it felt so good Kawi could barely stand it. But there was something in the noises Pisaeng made that was reminding him of the desperate noises Pisaeng made before, when he said he couldn’t take it anymore.
So Kawi moved hand to Pisaeng’s pants and slid his fingers inside. When his palm fully encircled Pisaeng’s cock he let out another intense noise of relief. Kawi moved his hand up and down Pisaeng's shaft, trying to Pisaeng off this way, but it was awkward. His skin was sweaty and sticky so the movement of Kawi's hand wasn’t great. Kawi knew it could be better.
“Do you have something to help, like lotion?” he asked. If he was going to do this, he'd do it in the best way he could.
Pisaeng let out another noise, like his breath was knocked out of him. He nodded slowly and then rolled on his back, reaching to his end table. After a few moments of rustling around, his hand returned with a tube. It was lube. Kawi had never really had a reason to buy any. He had never had that much hope. But Pisaeng. He probably had lots of people propositioning him. In fact, they had never really discussed that. Pisaeng could have had so many people in his bed if he wanted. Kawi couldn’t help but blurt out, “Have you used this with someone?”
Pisaeng’s expression softened. “No, no one else. Just on my own.”
“Oh,” Kawi said. “But were you hoping to use it with someone?”
Pisaeng shrugged. “I wanted to figure out what I liked, but there was only really one person who I wanted to use this with.”
Kawi. He wanted to use this with Kawi. Fuck, he was so sexy, Kawi wanted to make him moan. He opened the tube and applied a little on his palm and immediately slicked it over Pisaeng’s cock. But Pisaeng did not react the way Kawi expected, flinching as he made a hissing noise.
“What? What?” Kawi said, terrified he had hurt him.
“Cold, it’s just cold,” Pisaeng whined in a stupidly adorable way.
“Oh, oh, okay,” Kawi said, giving a nervous smile. “I can warm it up.”
The lubed helped quite a bit, allowing Kawi to move his hand over Pisaeng quickly and easily. Pisaeng was making little noises of pleasure as he seemed to be watching Kawi. But Kawi wasn't sure because he wasn't looking at Pisaeng. Kawi knew he should look to make sure this was something Pisaeng liked, but it already felt like a lot, just touching him like this. So instead Kawi asked, “How’s this, is this good?”
Pisaeng slid his finger under Kawi's chin and tilted his face up. He swallowed hard, his eyelids fluttering as he said, “I don’t know how to describe what this is. It's...it's...”
“So I should keep doing this?” Kawi asked, moving his thumb over the head of Pisaeng’s cock, giving it more attention.
Pisaeng's eyes rolled backward and he grasped onto the back of Kawi's neck. “Kawi,” he said, his voice broken. “Can we kiss again?”
Pisaeng was finally asking for something from Kawi. In the scheme of things it was small. More attention, more kisses. That’s all he wanted. His deepest desires were things that Kawi could give to him, easily and freely. He was so angry at himself for not understanding that sooner.
He kissed Pisaeng again and Pisaeng clearly took it as the invitation Kawi intended it to be. He pressed forward, his tongue finding it’s way into Kawi’s mouth and sending him reeling. Kawi was finally feeling as though he knew what he was doing when Pisaeng moaned into his mouth and came in his hand, covering his fingers in hot wetness.
Pisaeng moved toward Kawi, his shift leading Kawi to lay on his back as Pisaeng hovered over him.
“That didn’t seem to make it better,” Kawi said, looking up at Pisaeng. His eyes were even darker. Pisaeng's expression was serious in a way that made Kawi unsure what his intention was of pinning him down like this.
“Depends on your definition of better,” Pisaeng said, sliding his finger down the edge of his shirt and then fingering a few of the top buttons open.
“I think the goal was to tamp down the intensity of this for you,” Kawi said.
“Yeah, no, that didn’t happen,” Pisaeng said, opening another button.
“It was supposed to get better if you got what you wanted, Pisaeng. Is there something else you want? Was I wrong that you wanted me to be with you?”
Pisaeng made a little humming noise as he continued to open Kawi’s shirt. “What I’ve wanted most, Kawi, is to make you feel good. To make you feel how much I care, how much I want you.”
“Oh,” Kawi said, swallowing hard. Kawi had so often dismissed Pisaeng’s words. He was being nice, he felt sorry for Kawi, he was the nicest person alive. Last night’s kiss was the first time Kawi thought maybe his words meant something different.
“Can I show you?” Pisaeng asked, slipping his finger under the released fabric of Kawi’s shirt and pulling it open.
He looked like he would swallow Kawi whole. And Kawi wanted him to. “Uh, y-yes,” Kawi said. He could barely breathe. This was about making Pisaeng feel better so he was trying to ignore how much he wanted Pisaeng to touch him. Earlier that day he had essentially told Kawi to forget about anything like this between them and Kawi let him because it was easier to put off dealing. But now neither of them could ignore it. Pisaeng was here, the closest anyone had been to Kawi in all ways, and Kawi felt things he had never felt before.
He wanted Pisaeng in a way he had never wanted before.
Pisaeng opened Kawi’s shirt fully, kissing his chest. Kawi had a vague recollection of this, like a dream but not from the other night. But as Pisaeng moved down his chest, straight down Kawi’s stomach, tonguing his belly button and along the hair below, Kawi knew this was decidedly different. Pisaeng took Kawi at his word and started to unbutton Kawi’s pants, but he still looked up at him for a moment, clearly checking on Kawi’s reaction.
Kawi raised his hand and brushed the hair out of Pisaeng’s eyes so he could more easily see Kawi. So he could see that Kawi was not hiding, not scared. He was ready.
Pisaeng shifted his body, unbuttoning the top buttons of his shirt as he moved between Kawi’s legs. Kawi huffed a laugh, they were in such a hurry neither of them had changed out of their school clothes. This whole thing was so absurd he almost couldn’t take it. Would this all seem fine when they were back in these clothes the next day?
“I’m sorry, was that disappointing? Do you want me to give you a few more buttons?” Pisaeng teased, seeming to catch Kawi's reaction. He gave Kawi that easy Pisaeng smile and all the things that were pulling Kawi into his head just fell away. It was just them. That they could be together like this and still be them.
Kawi pursed his lips, trying not to smile. The overt truth was that Pisaeng relaxing made Kawi want him even more. He couldn’t help but follow their usual rhythm and push back. “I want you to open them all,” he said in all seriousness.
It was obvious Pisaeng had not expected that response. He had thought he would fluster Kawi and the rebalance would come in a different way. But he didn’t miss a beat. He unbuttoned his shirt completely and opened it. “Better?”
“Perfect,” Kawi said, this time letting a little laugh escape.
“Let’s see if you’re laughing in a minute.” His expression returning to his previous look of determinations, reminding Kawi what Pisaeng's original intention had been.
He grabbed the waist of Kawi’s pants and pulled on them. His underwear was also caught in Pisaeng's grip so it left Kawi bare down to his thighs. Kawi’s cock was exposed, so hard that it was laying full on his stomach. Pisaeng bent over, this time not hesistanting as he rubbed Kawi’s thighs and flattened his tongue to lick Kawi’s cock from base to tip.
Despite Pisaeng's intentions being obvious, Kaw was absolutely not prepared for how it felt. Kawi’s entire sense of self shattered. It was the most intense sensation he had ever experienced, pure pleasure drowning any rational thought. His body simply screamed for more. He made a low humming noise as he drowned in the feeling, his cock pulsing and twitching in response to as Pisaeng funning his tongue over him.
“Kawi,” he said, his voice rough.
Kawi's hands had flown in front of his face instinctively, as if he was covering up the visual proof that he had succumbed to Pisaeng’s mouth. He shifted his hand in response to his name, looking down as Pisaeng lapped his tongue up Kawi’s length again.
This time Kawi moaned, loud and unrestrained.
Pisaeng cracked a smile and shifted up a bit. It was only a moment before Kawi understood the move. Pisaeng’s tongue flitted across the head of his cock again and again.
“Pisaeng,” Kawi moaned his name, breathy and drawn out.
“Kawi, you're so wet. Do you like it?”
“Are you serious?” Kawi asked, having difficulty speaking through all he was feeling. “Do you really think I don’t like this?”
Pisaeng was now stroking Kawi’s shaft idly. “You asked what I needed, Kawi. I need you to say so.”
“I’ve never felt anything so good in my life,” he barked, a little too sharp. “Pisaeng, why are you making me try to think right now?”
Pisaeng laughed and dropped his mouth back to Kawi’s cock, this time taking the head fully into his mouth. It was a slow drag, his lips wrapped around Kawi’s thickness, up and down, over and over. It didn’t last long. He only needed to keep it up for a few minutes and then Kawi was letting go, his mind reeling as he caught the fact that Pisaeng was swallowing his come.
“How is this a thing people do and still somehow function?” Kawi asked, his hands covering his face again.
“I really have no idea,” Pisaeng said, as he laid down next to Kawi, an especially smug look on his face. “And that was the first time I’ve ever tried to do that. Imagine how I’d do if I get some practice.”
Kawi’s eyes widened. He didn’t want to imagine that. If he did, he might not ever leave this bed.
“I didn’t mean I expected us to do this again, after tonight,” Pisaeng said, misinterpreting Kawi's reaction
“No, I know. I know you were teasing.”
Pisaeng nodded. “I really liked doing that to you,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Kawi and pulled him into his chest.
“And you feel better now?”
“A good amount, yeah,” Pisaeng said, just holding Kawi close and rubbing his back.
“What did it feel like before?”
“Like there was a rock collapsing my chest,” he said as his voice deepened. But then he made a little noise as if he reconsidered what he said and laughed. “And I wanted to fuck it off.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“I am.”
Kawi felt warm and relaxed, but his clothing felt kinda uncomfortable and the button of his pants kept digging into his leg whenever he shifted, his pants still half off. He let out a little whiny noise, half-heartedly reaching to fix them.
“Ohhh,” Pisaeng consoled, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m uncomfortable. I should probably wash up.”
Pisaeng nodded and immediatley slid off the bed. He pointed. “The bathroom is that way.”
Kawi went inside, washing himself up. He looked pretty messed up, actually. His hair was everywhere. His pupils were blown wide and was that a hickey on his neck? Damn. He grinned.
“Meung,” Pisaeng said, tapping on the door. He opened it slightly and handed in a pile of clothes. “Here’s something clean. I think some of yours are…messy.”
Kawi looked down and yeah he had some wet spots that he really didn’t want to think about at the moment, although he felt an interesting sense of satisfaction knowing that it’s likely not just him who created that mess on his clothes.
Pisaeng closed the door softly. Kawi unfolded the bundle. It was not pjs like before. It was a t-shirt and boxers. Perhaps Pisaeng intentionally did not give Kawi similar clothing as it was clear neither of them intended to associate this with what happened that day.
As he washed up and changed he thought about how good it felt to be together. How right it felt. If Kawi put himself in this situation with any other person he would feel embarrassed about it. But he wasn't. He and Pisaeng had been through so much. It felt easy. For some reason that acknowledgement made his chest ache a bit. Kawi suddenly felt very far from Pisaeng and he didn’t like it.
He left the bathroom and made his way back into Pisaeng’s bedroom. The comforter was pulled off and the sheets pulled back, another blanket laid out over the end. There was a bowl on the nightstand and Piaeng was standing there, looking at the bed and chewing on his lip.
“Oh hi,” he said when Kawi entered. He seemed strange for a moment and Kawi’s heart sank. Would this ruin everything? Would Pisaeng not know how to be with him anymore? “I got you something to eat. I know you must be starving.”
“I am actually,” Kawi said, surprised. “Do you want to go to the kitchen?”
“No, no, I wanted to stay here? I mean, I’m not presuming anything, I, sorry, we don’t have to stay here.”
Kawi smiled. Pisaeng seemed a little nervous, which took away any feelings of nervousness Kawi was having himself. “I love eating in bed,” he said, walking over and jumping in.
Pisaeng smiled, looking almost relieved. “I thought maybe you would.”
Kawi reached for the bowl and brought it between his legs as he propped himself up by the pillows. The bowl had a few different packaged snacks in it and some grapes. Kawi opened up one of the bags and started chomping. Pisaeng was still standing there beside the bed almost as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.
“Are you going to sit down?”
“Yeah? Yeah, of course,” he said, sliding on the bed. He was wearing the same as Kawi, a white t-shirt and black boxers. He sat down and folded himself over, placing his palms on his shins. He was really incredibly adorable.
“You’re not gonna have any?” Kawi asked, offering the bowl to Pisaeng.
“No, I’m good,” he said. He started to rub his hands up and down his shins in a sort of fidgeting way. Pisaeng wasn’t a fidgeter. He was possibly the most at ease person that Kawi had ever met. Was he really that nervous?
“Are you okay?” Kawi couldn't help asking.
“Yeah, why?”
“You seem tense again. Are you worried about me? I’m fine.”
Pisaeng looked at KawI evaluatively. “When did you get so observant? Are you okay?”
“No, don’t change the subject. I got more observant when you were drugged with something that could hurt you. And now I’m wondering if you still feel terrible.”
“I’m fine, Kawi, really. I think whatever that stuff was has mostly passed. And whatever is left, I can manage.”
“Pisaeng, you gotta stop. You’re still not honest with me.” Kawi leaned closer. “I can see how tense you are around your eyes. It’s not over yet is it?”
Pisaeng sighed. “No, but Kawi, look, I’m really grateful you wanted to help, and I’m glad that things still seem okay with us, but I don’t want to mess everything up.”
“I told you I was fine, Pisaeng,” Kawi said, grabbing his forearm.
Pisaeng looked at Kawi’s hand on his arm for an abnormally long period of time before he said, “I don’t think you’re thinking this through.” He closed his eyes slowly and clenched his jaw. The sight elicited a surprising reaction from Kawi. Seeing Pisaeng like that made him want to crawl full on into his lap and touch him until all that tension went away.
Instead he opted to shift closer and place his hand on the back of Pisaeng’s neck, moving his fingers in circles to try to alleviate some of the tension that seemed to be taking over his body.
“Kawi, please,” Pisaeng said, his voice now unable to hide the edge to it. There was definitely something wrong. Between the two of them, it was Kawi who was supposed to whine, plead or coax. And Pisaeng always gave in, which was entirely the fun of it. But in this circumstance, coming from Pisaeng, it wasn’t playful. It was desperate.
“That didn’t help as long as I thought it would. We should try something else,” Kawi said, moving his hand down Pisaeng’s back and rubbing it carefully. “Maybe we have to try whatever you have wanted most. Is there something specifically you want that you haven’t said?”
“Kawi, you should go.”
“No,” Kawi said, dismissively. “I already told you, I’m not leaving you. We’ve already had this argument.”
“You’re so stubborn.”
“And so are you.”
“Kawi, I don’t want to lose you. I can take this. I can, really, if it means we can still be friends later.”
“We’ll still be friends,” Kawi said. “You’re one of my only friends.”
“All the more reason not to do anything else. We already went too far. You're going to wake up in the morning and you’re going to realize you shouldn’t have done this with me and…and…,” Pisaeng made a noise, it was as if he was trying to catch his breath. “I can’t…I can’t…” he stuttered, his breathing becoming raspy and hollow.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Kawi said, this time actually crawling between Pisaeng’s legs and kneeling in front of him. “Shhhh, Pisaeng. Look at me. It’s fine. This is all that magic. It’s hurting you and I hate it. Let me help.” He leaned in and brushed his lips against Pisaeng’s open mouth, first his top lip and then the bottom.
Pisaeng’s lips were still tense. He did not respond, but he did not pull away. Kawi continued carefully, worried that the wrong move might shatter Pisaeng. He let Kawi kiss the side of his mouth, his cheek, his nose. Each kiss was just the briefest touch. He brushed Pisaeng’s hair from his forehead and back so Kawi could see his eyes clearly. In the most gentle voice possible he asked, “What is it you want so badly? What are you so scared of?”
Pisaeng broke eye contact, hanging his head. He chewed on his lip again.
“Pisaeng, please, trust me enough to tell me. I want to be someone worthy of your trust.” The words spilled out of Kawi’s mouth. It was more than he had ever promised anyone and yet, it was true.
“I want you to fuck me.” He covered his face with the palms of his hands, as if he had just said the most shameful thing anyone could ever imagine.
Kawi sat there for a moment considering. Was this really any different than what they had already done? Whatever ideas of sex and virginity he had before was too limiting for this situation anyway. Kawi wasn’t in denial about it. They had already had sex. What Pisaeng was saying was different, sure, but Kawi agreed, they had already crossed that line.
And Kawi hadn’t cared one bit.
“You’ll need to tell me what you want me to do,” Kawi said, his voice uneven. “You know I’ve never done this before. Can you?”
“You’re agreeing to this because you feel bad for me,” Pisaeng said, his voice quiet.
“No,” Kawi said, forcefully. He sounded furious, although that wasn’t his intention. Pisaeng finally looked at him, his eyes were so deep and soft, they made Kawi want to wrap his arms around him immediately after Kawi throttled him. Even after everything they had just shared, Pisaeng still didn’t get it. “I don’t feel bad for you. It’s not that. I want to do this.” Kawi knew it was the truth. He knew it had been the truth for so long. He just hadn’t had the courage to admit it.
He reached for the bottom of Pisaeng’s t-shirt and grabbed a handful and tugged it up. Pisaeng seemed confused as to what Kawi was doing at first, but then went along easily, raising his arms as Kawi gathered the material up to his shoulders and allowing Kawi to pull it completely off.
Kawi remembered how much he had appreciated Pisaeng’s body before, thinking that it made him crazy because of jealousy, but that was not it at all. It made him crazy because it turned him on so badly he couldn’t understand the feelings he was having.
He shifted back and slid his hands under Pisaeng’s thighs, tugging hard to pull him so he was laying down on the bed on his back. Pisaeng looked rather dazed as Kawi reoriented himself so that he was now holding himself above Pisaeng. “Is this a good start?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Pisaeng said, although he still looked surprised, which made Kawi very pleased, actually. He considered what to do next. Kawi would probably have to keep asking Pisaeng if he wanted to keep helping since his brain was not functioning correctly. His next impulse was to remove Pisaeng’s underwear and get a look fully at what he was working with here. But it occurred to him that then Pisaeng would be completely naked while Kawi would be (mostly) dressed.
So despite the fact that he was most definitely one of those guys who waited for the rest of the guys to leave the locker room before changing and just naturally more hesitant to be without clothing, he decided it was time to finally be the one to take the first decisive step.
He pulled off his shirt and dropped it beside him. He could feel Pisaeng’s eyes on him, on every inch of his exposed skin. He wanted so badly to shrink away, but he wouldn’t. He needed to do this. He grabbed the elastic band of his underwear and pushed it down his legs, awkwardly freeing his legs one at time from the fabric.
When he settled back in place, Pisaeng’s entire chest was flushed pink and he was breathing hard. His underwear was straining over his obviously erect cock. Just seeing Kawi naked was making Pisaeng hard. Kawi had no idea how it was possible that his body could do that to Pisaeng, but he really liked it.
He pulled off Pisaeng’s underwear too, the both of them finally, completely naked together. Kawi realized at that point that there were some things he already knew now. He wanted to show Pisaeng that he could initiate touching him without any request or tutorial.
He grasped Pisaeng’s inner thighs and moved his palms over them. He made a little noise that Kawi now understood was the sound that Pisaeng made when he was really enjoying being touched. Kawi felt encouraged so he bent over and grasped Pisaeng’s cock, taking it into his mouth. It was harder than Pisaeng had made it look, his jaw was stiff and he worried his teeth would get in the way. He stretched his jaw so that he could take Pisaeng in deeper and that little noise became a deeply intense one.
Kawi did it again and Pisaeng’s hips jolted. “Kawi, fuck, sorry,” Pisaeng said, clearly aware that his unexpected movement made Kawi gag a little, but he recovered quickly. He dipped again a few times, this time the movement much easier. He thought it was going well, but suddenly Pisaeng was grabbing at Kawi’s shoulders, pulling desperately at him until Kawi finally pulled off with a little pop.
“I know I should come like this, but…” Pisaeng said, trailing off.
He had stopped Kawi beause he was about to come. Although Kawi was pleased to hear that he had done well enough that Pisaeng was worried he would come too fast, Kawi also didn’t want that to happen yet. “No, you shouldn’t,” Kawi said. “You’re gonna let me fuck you.”
There was something in the way Pisaeng’s eyes reacted to that, like he could hardly believe what Kawi was saying. That look made Kawi crawl up Pisaeng's body and kiss him as deeply and forcefully as Kawi could muster. He let himself lay down, the full weight of his body giving into Pisaeng. He couldn’t stop kissing him, couldn’t stop touching him. He had lost control of his senses. He had no idea when his hips had started to move, but they were both thrusting against each other now, their cocks both hard and dragging against one another.
Kawi gasped into Pisaeng’s mouth, getting wrapped up in the feeling of the tip of Pisaeng’s tongue lightly brushing his. Every new taste, every new sound, every new touch was just making Kawi hungrier. He didn’t think he would ever get his fill.
Every press of Pisaeng’s body against Kawi felt absolutely amazing, so much so that he could feel his orgasm coming, pulling him toward the edge. He had to stop. He broke off from Pisaeng. His mouth chased after Kawi until he realized that Kawi meant for them to stop. It made Kawi instantly regret his actions, but there was a good reaso. He managed to get out, “I want to keep going,” as he pressed their foreheads together.
Pisaeng breathen and then nodded once he understood. He shifted his body to lead them both to sitting. Kawi was back on his knees again between Pisaeng’s legs. Pisaeng motioned to his t-shirt which was a little off to the side on the bed. Kawi grabbed it for him and watched as Pisaeng worked it under his lower body and spread it out.
“Come closer,” he said to Kawi, reaching for him to scoot up between his legs. He lifted his legs and let them drop over Kawi’s thighs. He seemed to assess his situation for a moment and then grabbed a pillow and placed it under his hips. Kawi wasn't doing his part to move this forward so he located the lube again and covered his cock.
“Have you,” Kawi started, trying to figure out exactly what he was trying to ask. “You said you were trying to figure out what you like. Is this something you like?”
“Yeah, I’ve liked what I’ve tried so far.”
“So what have you done?”
“Used my fingers, used a vibrator. I liked both of those things.” Pisaeng said it so easily, things Kawi had been taught to be embarrassed about. He was so open, it made Kawi want to be open too.
“So what should I do?” Kawi asked, gently rubbing Pisaeng’s legs. “Do you want me to use my fingers first?”
“No, I just want you inside me,” he said, in the most serious of ways. "Just take it slow."
Kawi grabbed the bottom of Pisaeng's legs and lined himself up. He pressed lightly. Pisaeng made another noise, this one was different - deeper, more guttural. It was easier to push inside than Kawi would have imagined. But he still took it slow, a little pressure every breath as Pisaeng let out noises that seemed like a mixture of pleasure and distress. But the latter passed quickly and it wasn’t long before he was reaching and grasping for Kawi as he seated himself fully inside Pisaeng. Kawi thought he would feel more uncertain, but his body seemed to know exactly what to do. Pisaeng felt so incredibly good around him that he had to really focus to keep his body from simply giving into the feeling. Kawi started slow with shallow movements, little flicks of his hips while he was still on his knees. Pisaeng watched as Kawi fucked him, licking his lips again in a way that was completely profane and Kawi couldn’t stand not sucking on them.
He shifted forward, intending to kiss Pisaeng relentlessly. Pisaeng made a little oof noise as he encouraged Kawi closer, pulling his legs up so Kawi could fold his body over him. It was a nice and slow fuck. Drawing himself in and out of Pisaeng, making sure Pisaeng felt all of his cock as he moved. They consumed each other with kisses again, their tongues moving slowly in and out of each other’s mouth in the same rhythm that their bodies were thrusting together.
What had happened between them before could not have prepared Kawi for this. In the past and present timelines, even when he felt things he didn’t understand and had never felt before, he could never have imagined that it could be like this, bodies intertwined, moving cautiously yet fiercely, wanting more than anything for Pisaeng’s body to give into him.
“Fuck me deeper, Kawi,” Pisaeng said, his voice raspy. “Don’t let me forget this feeling.”
He held himself up on his forearms, his fingers buried in Pisaeng’s hair as he moved his mouth to Pisaeng’s neck and snapped his hips harder. Pisaeng let out little staccato noises, wrapping his legs around Kawi’s back as he rocked his body to meet Kawi’s thrusts.
Kawi knew he was a terrible person. He knew he didn’t deserve this. But for some reason Pisaeng, who was the best person Kawi knew, so kind, so generous, wanted to give himself to Kawi like this. It was hard to process, being this intimate with another person, being inside of him. Somehow being like this with Pisaeng made Kawi start to believe that if someone so good wanted to be this close to him, maybe there was some good in Kawi too.
Their movements were frenetic, Kawi’s chest was hollowed out. Oblivion was licking at the edge of his consciousness and he could no longer hold on. It practically knocked him out, the way his body succumbed, digging into the depths and tearing out of him everything Kawi had held tight for so long. Everything he had hidden. Everything in his darkest places. It was all there, bare and exposed for Pisaeng.
Pisaeng held his gaze through it, stroking his cheek gently as Kawi gulped down air. His body continued to shiver at the echoes of his orgasm that were still pulsing through him.
“You didn’t come,” Kawi said almost immediately, as if it was some sort of failing, almost immediately discarding the most amazing experience of his life. “What can I do? Can I use my mouth again?” he asked, wanting desperately to give Pisaeng the same feeling in return.
“Can you just stay like this for a while?” he asked, his arms wrapped around Kawi’s back. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m not leaving, Pisaeng. I wouldn’t just go.”
“No, I know, I mean, I want you to stay inside me.”
Pisaeng’s eyes pulled him in again, a sadness in them that was not unfamiliar to Kawi, but he had not seen that night. He wasn’t sure what he had done wrong, but Kawi would fix it. He nodded gently, but slid his hand between them and attentively stroked Pisaeng’s cock. He was completely covered with sweat. It allowed for an easy and deliberate movement that made Pisaeng’s eyes flutter, but he never closed them, continuing to watch Kawi as his body shivered at every touch.
It wasn’t urgent. In fact, it was clear that Pisaeng wanted to slow down, to hold onto this moment and Kawi was happy to oblige. He wanted that too. Kawi wanted to remember every touch, every sound, every ounce of passion they exchanged. It was his to keep now.
And even as Pisaeng’s body writhed, even as he was clearly fighting it back and his body tensed and trembled with pleasure until the force of it finally forced Pisaeng to let go, Kawi finally could see how much even this hurt Pisaeng.
“Hey,” Kawi said, gliding his thumb over Pisaeng’s cheek and wiping away a tear that had run down his cheek. He shifted to lay next to Pisaeng and pulled him up on his side to face Kawi. “Pisaeng, are you upset that we did this?” he asked. The idea gutted him, but he had to know.
Pisaeng returned to that unnerving quiet, worrying at his bottom lip again. Finally he wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and said, “I never thought this would happen. And I get it. It’s only for tonight. I understand. We’ll figure things out when this is over.”
Kawi absolutely hated this. He hated that Pisaeng seemed ready to pull his feelings inward again. Kawi had to fix this. “What if that’s not what I want? What if I don’t want it to be for just tonight?”
“Kawi, don’t.”
“No, I mean it. I’m not drunk. I’m not anything. But this thing I feel, it’s different with you. Right? I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Yeah,” Pisaeng said, turning his head to look at Kawi again, his voice trembling. “It’s different with you.”
“For so long I couldn’t let go of what I thought I wanted. When this was right here. You were right here. I’m an idiot.”
“Yeah, you are,” Pisaeng agreed, but his voice was already fond.
“I always thought sex would be awkward and scary and terrible since I had no idea what I was doing and yeah, it was kinda awkward when I came first but, with you it isn’t scary. It isn’t terrible.”
“No, it’s not,” Pisaeng said, a slight smile on his face.
“Pisaeng, you don’t get it do you? I want to accept your feelings. I want us to be together.”
Pisaeng’s eyes were still glassy, his brow furrowed. It wasn’t how Kawi had expected him to react to these words at all.
“Is that not what you want?”
“Are you sure, Kawi? Are you sure that you didn’t get dosed with whatever herb I did? Are you sure you’re going to feel this way tomorrow, because if you’re not…”
“Pisaeng, I don’t know if I was affected by the dust stuff, but if I was, doesn’t me feeling this way prove that what I truly want is you?”
Pisaeng’s lower lip quivered. He breathed deeply. There was still a tense line between his eyebrows. “What about Pear?”
He didn’t believe Kawi. He had spent too long listening to Kawi talk about loving Pear. He didn’t see it, just like Kawi hadn’t.
“What I felt about Pear is nothing compared to this. I’m going to have to deal with that, but we were never a couple. That’s done now.”
Pisaeng at least now looked less like he would shatter in Kawi’s hands. He gently touched Kawi’s face, his hands shaking as if he thought Kawi might stop him at any moment. But Kawi simply melted into it, closing his eyes and letting the warmth of Pisaeng’s touch fill him up completely.
“How can I believe it?” Pisaeng asked, still clearly working it out in his mind.
“Can we start by letting me hold you until morning?”
Pisaeng nodded, although he still looked hesitant. Kawi wrapped his arms around Pisaeng and pulled him as close as he could. Kawi was relieved that after a little time, Pisaeng’s body finally seemed to relax into him. He wondered if maybe the magic had finally passed. Kawi hoped that Pisaeng had finally gotten what he really, truly desired. But if he hadn’t, then Kawi was determined to make sure to give it to him.
“I’ll keep showing you,” Kawi said, stroking Pisaeng’s back soothingly. “You can take your time. I’ll wait. I’m a patient kind of guy.” Pisaeng huffed a laugh. Kawi was certain he was smiling into Kawi's neck. He buried his fingers into Pisaen'gs hair and stroked it gently. "Someone pretty great showed me that certain people are worth the wait."