but i loved you (i couldn't help it)

by capturingstars (bclark)

Summary:

His words spilled out before he could stop them. For a moment he was afraid that it would scare Jay. This was the first time they had held hands in years and here Jungwon was saying that he wanted a future with him. His high school love. His first love. His only love.

When his eyes shifted upwards once again, however, he wasn’t greeted with a look of fear or shock. Instead there was a crooked smile and starry eyes and a question.

“What are you doing on Sunday?”

For the past three years, Jungwon felt like he was only pretending that the road ahead went on for them when all signs were clearly pointing to a dead end.

Nevertheless, tonight felt like a beginning.

or Jungwon goes back home, finds himself again, and gives love another chance.

Notes:

This is my first completed story in several years. Something about Jay and Jungwon's dynamic made me want to write about them. They truly mean so much to me. I poured my heart into this fic and some of the events that take place in it were inspired by my own experiences with religion and sexuality. I hope that you'll enjoy it.

Special thank you to my soulmates for reading over it and giving me feedback before I decided to post it. I love ya'll.

NOW

 

Even his good side didn’t look right.

 

With every rotation, turn, and tilt of his head, his reflection didn’t feel like his own. The corners of Jungwon’s lips went down as if puppet strings had tugged them.

 

It was only two days ago that Jungwon was sitting on the floor of his mom’s living room watching old family videos. They fondly laughed at the little boy in them who dreamed of becoming a professional athlete and was scolded for drawing stars on the tiles of their bathroom floor. His older sister had taught him how to draw them. He wanted them everywhere and in every marker color he owned.

 

That same little boy grew up to train in taekwondo for seven years, but he found more joy in performing. He joined his high school show choir which went on to win grand champion more times than he could count on one hand. Jungwon had at least one solo every year because his vocals were most stable while dancing. Every competition, his parents would boast to all their church friends. They were always proud of their son. He is their only son. Jungwon always felt pressure because of this. However, the pressure was almost always his own.

 

That same little boy grew up to also find joy in actual stars. After he got his license, he would drive to a spot that his friend had told him about. His friend insisted that Jungwon would appreciate its beauty. His friend knew him well. It was a bluff. Acres of land stretched below it and in the distance there were hills and trees that went on forever. No city lights disturbed the sky. He could see all the stars. 

 

Someone once told him that he captured the stars in his eyes. Jungwon’s cheeks turned crimson and he wondered all night if they had noticed.

 

Jungwon didn’t recognize the twenty-one year old man staring back at him, but he recognized the little boy in the videos. Jungwon saw the stars in his eyes. He left those stars behind long ago.

 

It was also two days ago that Jungwon received a message from an old friend, Jake. It was the same friend who told him about the bluff. Jake is also Korean, but he wasn’t born in America nor did he move from Korea like Jungwon did. He was born and raised in Australia. His family emigrated to the midwest when he was fifteen. His accent is still strong as if he never left. Jungwon had picked up speaking habits from him. Sometimes he’ll still catch himself using Jake’s Aussie slang or randomly pulling an accent. He hasn’t seen Jake in years, but he’ll smile to himself knowingly in those occasional moments.

 

The first message was a simple statement. I heard you’re back , it read. Jungwon wasn’t sure how Jake found out nor did he question him. He replied enthusiastically that his plane had landed that night before and he was in the process of moving into a one-bedroom apartment outside of Chicago. The second message resembled the Jake who Jungwon remembered and loved. He replied with far too many emojis and a selfie of himself smiling and holding a tall can of a beer Jungwon had never heard of. Although he would occasionally see him on his Instagram feed, receiving an unfiltered photo of him at ten at night made Jungwon’s eyes fill with nostalgic tears where he already lay cocooned in his blankets. It felt like high school.

 

Minutes later, Jake was calling him on FaceTime. It really felt like high school now. Most nights, especially in Jungwon’s freshman year, they would talk on the phone until they couldn’t keep their eyes open. They would chat as they studied or watched TV. Other times, Jungwon would lay in bed wrapped tight in his blankets as always and listen to Jake go off on other players in his video games. He would laugh extra hard when Jake’s mom yelled the routine ‘ quiet down’ up the stairs. Jungwon could never get enough of Jake’s presence.

 

Jungwon had no idea how he went three years without a Jake in his life. Immediately they fell back into their old rhythm, catching up and already making dumb jokes that only the two of them would find amusing. In the few hours that they spent talking, Jungwon felt a bit like himself again. At around midnight, they agreed to meet up soon for lunch or drinks--they’d figure out the details later. Jungwon thought they were about to hop off. His eyes were heavy and he had to wake up early the next morning to go to a job interview. However, Jake wasn’t finished with him quite yet.

 

“Have you spoken to Jay?”

 

Jungwon blinked at himself in the mirror. It was only two days ago, but he had already forgotten how he responded. All he knows is that his reply was a clumsy mess of words tripping over each other before rushing into a goodnight, talk to you soon . Sleep didn’t follow the press of the end call button. He longed for his eyes to stare at the back of his eyelids, but all he stared at instead was the spin of his ceiling fan. 

 

Of course he had spoken to Jay. 

THEN

 

Even at church Jungwon loved the stage. His parents had encouraged him to join the worship team shortly after finishing his first season of show choir. He was only fifteen years old, but when he auditioned in front of the worship pastor, she told him that she would love for him to lead songs occasionally. Jungwon was up for the challenge.

 

His church wasn’t a hymn singing, pew seating sort of church. It was modern and the pastor was young. Jungwon could wear a sweatshirt and jeans on Sunday morning and his parents didn’t bat an eye--although usually he was dressed in his nicest clothes. There were unspoken expectations, however, and Jungwon followed the rules well.

 

 That was until a certain boy came along.

 

“Praise him, sun and moon; praise him all you shining stars. Praise him, you highest heavens and you waters above the skies,” Jungwon read aloud from his Bible. His eyes were zoned in on the words, but his mind was miles away--or rather, six feet away.

 

Slowly, he looked up. His eyes met the eyes of another boy across the circle. He was strikingly handsome. All Jungwon could think about was how pretty his eyes were. Until he smiled. His smile was soft and crooked and Jungwon had to look away. 

 

Jungwon felt guilty for thinking about a boy while reading a passage about praising God. But he knew he wasn’t the only guilty one in the room.

 

About fifteen minutes later, the youth pastor called an end to their Friday night meet. Jungwon began to gather his things and threw them into his backpack. His eyes wandered across the circle again to the boy who was now carefully sorting his pens and highlighters into a small pouch. The boy probably knew that he was watching him, probably felt his eyes on him the same way Jungwon had felt him staring.

 

His suspicions were confirmed when moments later as the boy was zipping his backpack, he looked straight at Jungwon with that same sweet smile. Jungwon couldn’t look away this time. His stomach flip flopped and his cheeks burned red with heat and before he knew it he was standing from the folding chair and sauntering in his direction.

 

“Hi,” Jungwon spoke. He spoke softly and stood in front of him where he still sat in his own chair. “Is this your first time at youth group?”

 

The boy smiled a bit wider. The corner of his eyes crinkled. It killed Jungwon a bit. “No. Well, kind of. It’s my first time at this one,” he explained. He stood to his feet. His backpack with all of its neatly organized contents inside was slung over his shoulder. “My family recently moved. We’re too far from our old church now.”

 

Jungwon nodded along to his words which were spoken in his deep, silky voice. The boy’s face was almost exactly level with his now. He was close enough to touch, close enough that he could smell his cologne. Usually Jungwon was sensitive to perfume scents, but there was something about this one that was just right. Maybe it was more about who was wearing it than the cologne itself. 

 

He shifted on his feet. “It’s not often that I meet other Asians in our area. Is that why you kept staring at me?” Jungwon said it teasingly, but was actually dying to know.

 

The boy’s lips spread into a tiny smile once again. It was a shy sort of smile that mirrored his own. “I think you know that’s not why.”

 

Those bold, hushed words were the reason for his fit of giggles later that night as he lay in bed. They were stuck in Jungwon’s brain, on repeat like a broken record.

 

“I know,” Jungwon finally replied. Bashful, he looked away. “We should probably get out of here.” Out of the corner of his eye he could see the boy nodding in agreement. 

 

He still avoided eye contact all the way out of the church building and into the crisp, autumn Illinois air. Jungwon zipped up his jacket before hiding his hands inside of the pockets. They were never warm enough.

 

When he finally got the nerve to glance over at the boy, he immediately noticed a birthmark on the side of his neck. It was almost the shape of a heart. God really had a sense of humor.

 

“Are you Korean too?” Jungwon asked. He stopped on the edge of the sidewalk in front of the building. 

 

The boy stopped next to him. He nodded. “I am. Full Korean. But I’ve always lived in America. I lived in Seattle until I was ten. Then St. Louis. Then I came to Illinois when I was fifteen.” The boy held eye contact the entire time he spoke. He spoke comfortably as if they had met before. Jungwon admired his confidence.

 

“I’m fifteen now ,” Jungwon said. He snickered when he noticed the boy was taken aback.

 

Jungwon couldn’t miss the way the boy’s eyes wandered down to his feet and back up to his face. “You seem older. Mature.”

 

He hummed softly. “I’ve heard that before. I’ve been called an old soul since I was a child,” Jungwon chuckled. “I think it’s just one way of them saying that I didn’t stay a kid long enough.”

 

Jungwon also couldn’t miss the way the boy slightly tilted his head, blinking slowly as he gazed into his eyes. It was as if he was trying to figure him out, as if he wanted to know him more.

 

The feeling was mutual. Jungwon wanted to know everything about him. He wanted to sit with him anywhere, even if it was in this church parking lot, and listen to him talk for hours about his life in every city. He wanted to know if he played any sports and if he had siblings and if he also enjoyed simple activities like observing the stars and listening to obscure albums. But first, his name.

 

“I’m Jungwon,” he said, offering his hand out to him. It wasn’t very Gen Z of him to initiate a handshake. It was only a lame excuse to touch his hand.

 

The boy smiled sweetly back at him as he wrapped his hand around his. “You go by a Korean name, huh? That’s interesting.”

 

Jungwon stared at their hands for a moment. He simply squeezed the older boy’s hand for a moment before releasing it.

 

“My parents didn’t believe in giving me an English name when we moved to the U.S. I used to wish they had, but now…” He pursed his lips in thought. “I don’t think any name would suit me better.” He shifted on his feet, moving a little closer to him. “Do you have a Korean name?”

 

The boy nodded. He shifted closer as well. Their arms were nearly touching. “Jongseong. But you can call me Jay. Not even my parents call me Jongseong. Only when we visit family in Korea.” He smiled fondly suddenly. “My grandmother would throw a fit if she knew I went by another name. She picked the name for my mom. She claims to this day that an angel whispered it to her in a dream.”

 

Jungwon smiled wide at that. Before he could respond, however, his dad rolled up in front of the sidewalk in his white Honda Civic. His cheeks flushed pink and he secretly hoped that his father couldn’t tell how absolutely smitten he was for this boy already. That was a conversation he wasn’t ready for.

 

“Do you have a ride?” He asked Jay as he stepped towards the passenger door. “My dad wouldn’t mind taking you home.”

 

There was a fondness in Jay’s eyes that made butterflies swarm his stomach. “I drove here. But thank you,” he said. “I’ll see you later, Jungwon.”

 

Instantly Jungwon realized that when Jay could have gone to his vehicle and driven himself home, he instead chose to stand in front of their church and talk to him for a few minutes longer. It made his heart swell.

 

“See you, Jongseong,” he responded with another shy smile to match his.

 

The quiet honeyed laugh that tumbled from Jay’s lips was the best sound Jungwon had heard all day.

 

Jungwon looked out the window at the beautiful night sky as his dad drove them towards their neighborhood.

 

Praise him all you shining stars.

 

Absolutely smitten.

NOW

 

There was no one Jungwon wanted to see more than Jay.

 

Upon his arrival in America, he was the first person he called to tell him that he landed safely. When he was packing his things, Jay received photos of perfectly labeled boxes because Jungwon knew he would be impressed with how organized they were. Two months prior when Jungwon decided to make the move back, Jay was the first to know about his decision to which he immediately brought up the apartment building around the corner from him.

 

It just so happened that Jungwon had moved into that very apartment building during a week when Jay was out of town. There was no one he wanted to see more, but he had to wait. He had to wait a few more long days until he came back into town. But what were a few more long days after three long years?

 

Excruciating. 

 

Once Jungwon finished staring at himself in the mirror, he continued his routine. He washed his face, combed his hair, and put a product in it that a friend from Korea had recommended to him. It gave his hair a messy look that he pulled off better than he thought he would. He settled on wearing a loose pair of blue jeans and a slightly oversized sweater. It was autumn and Jungwon was never warm enough so he wore a puffy black coat over it and slipped on a pair of sneakers before leaving his apartment.

 

It was fitting that they were meeting at night. Much of their history was written under the stars. The night they met. Drives out of town just to get away. Tangled legs and passionate hands in the bed of Jay’s truck. Lingering kisses on the edge of a bluff. 

 

The stars had seen it all.

 

It was also fitting that they were meeting at the same fancy restaurant that they would go to as teenagers. It was way out of their budget, but they would show up in button up shirts and request a corner booth so nobody would see them holding hands and sneaking kisses. They would order an appetizer and not leave a single crumb on the plate. It was the perfect kind of date night.

 

Jungwon walked in knowing that Jay had already gotten a table for them. He gave the host Jay’s name before following her. They weren’t going in the direction he expected.

 

She led him about halfway into the restaurant to a table for two. There was already a bottle of wine on the table along with two sparkling clean glasses. Most importantly, there was Jay. He was fidgeting with the silverware and glancing curiously at the people around him. As soon as his eyes landed on Jungwon, his eyes filled with stars.

 

Quietly Jungwon thanked the host before rushing past her. Jay stood from his chair. Soon enough, their faces were level with each other. They were close enough that he could smell that familiar cologne. Close enough to touch.

 

Jungwon just barely reached out to him before he was being pulled in. His eyes fluttered shut. Finally this feeling was returning to him. He had forgotten how it felt. He pressed his lips against Jay’s shoulder. His hands gently ran along his back and the smooth fabric of his black button up shirt. A chill went down his arms when Jay’s nose pushed against his ear. One of his hands was in Jungwon’s hair and the other on his waist. He could feel his touch even through his puffy coat. Jay held him as if he was afraid he was going to disappear.

 

“Hi,” Jungwon whispered. He lifted his head slightly to rest his chin on Jay’s shoulder. He kept his eyes closed. What would he do if he opened his eyes and it was only a dream? “Are you real?”

 

Jay let out a surprised laugh. “I hope so.”

 

A smile so wide stretched across Jungwon’s face that it hurt his cheeks. He squeezed Jay even tighter, his face moving into the crook of his neck. He couldn’t bear how sweet his voice was to his ears. His touch. His smell. It was all real.

 

Jungwon had no idea how long they had been standing there before hesitantly pulling away. When he opened his eyes and was immediately greeted by Jay’s precious smile, his heart did a somersault in his chest. He looked away. He felt shy. For a moment it felt as if they didn’t have nearly a decade of history behind them, as if they were meeting for the first time for a second time.

 

He pretended to be interested in the change of the restaurant decorations as he sat at the table. He then watched Jay’s hands as he poured them both a glass of wine. He looked anywhere but at Jay’s face. The moment he did, however, Jay’s face broke out into that same smile from moments ago. It was a sweet mixture of fondness and utter sincerity. He had never seen him smile quite like that.

 

“When you first told me that we were meeting somewhere familiar, I was afraid you were going to say church,” Jungwon chuckled. He lifted the glass to his lips and took a sip of the wine. It tasted like strawberries. “Not that I hate the idea of going back to church.”

 

Jay sipped his own wine before he spoke. “I don’t necessarily love the idea of going to church these days.”

 

He had that famous crooked smile on his face now. 

 

When Jungwon was visiting his mother a couple nights ago, after watching the family videos, she found his school yearbooks in her basement. One of them was from his Sophomore year of high school. Jay was a senior and got half a page to himself. He wore one of their famous show choir competition blazers and was posing on an empty stage. The spotlight was on him. He had that same crooked grin and his hands were tucked in his pockets. He looked cool, so cool that Jungwon had tucked a sticky note in that page to bookmark it not knowing that it would be years before he looked at that photo again.

 

Jungwon blushed when he realized how long he had been staring at Jay’s lips. He looked down at the menu, but he knew Jay had noticed. He always did.

 

“I only ever went to church in Korea during the holidays,” Jungwon said, continuing the conversation finally. His eyes scanned over the ridiculous fancy meals that still cost far too much. “My grandparents invited me so it felt like a crime to say no.”

 

Jungwon always knew when Jay was staring. He could feel it. Slowly, he shifted his eyes upwards without moving his head. As soon as their eyes met they burst into a fit of giggles that sounded like high school.

 

“Still can’t believe I’m here?” Jungwon teased slightly. He leaned his back against his seat and put his menu on the table. “I can’t believe it either. I honestly didn’t know when I would come back.”

 

There was only a beat of silence.

 

“Was it me?” Jay asked. Their eye contact didn’t break. Neither of them could look away. “Was I the reason you came back?”

 

Now it was Jungwon’s turn to smile fondly. “You were the sign I needed to come back.” He ran his fingertips along the smooth tablecloth until they touched the base of his wine glass. He didn’t pick it up. His fingers stayed there, gliding along the slick glass. “I lost myself in Korea. Which is funny considering that I went there to find myself. I went there to pursue a career that I was way in over my head about and-”

 

“You weren’t in over your head,” Jay interrupted him. He shook his head and his eyes were sad. “You were passionate.”

 

Jungwon smiled again. “You didn’t let me finish, Jongseong.”

 

A blush instantly painted Jay’s cheeks. He was still weak when Jungwon used his Korean name.

 

“I was way in over my head,” Jungwon repeated. “And I lost you.”

 

Jay let out a breath as if he had been holding it. “You didn’t lose me. I was always here.”

 

He knew exactly what he meant by those words. Jungwon knew all too well. Jay was always there. He was always waiting. The timing, however, was never right. 

 

“But we couldn’t be there for each other in the way we wanted to. Not when we wanted such different things. Right?” Jungwon said. The corners of his lips curled up slightly as he noticed Jay’s hand move close to his on the table. He could practically feel the heat rising from his skin.

 

“What about now?” Jay whispered. His pinky nudged against Jungwon’s. “What do you want now, Jungwon?”

 

Jungwon slowly slid his pinky around Jay’s. The slightest physical touch made Jungwon’s skin burn. It burned with desire. He wanted more and more of Jay. He wanted as much as he would give him.

 

“I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself,” Jungwon responded in a small voice. He stared at Jay’s hand as he began to move his fingers to fit between his own. “I want to look at the stars again and sing and live a simple little life in Chicago with you.”

 

His words spilled out before he could stop them. For a moment he was afraid that it would scare Jay. This was the first time they had held hands in years and here Jungwon was saying that he wanted a future with him. His high school love. His first love. His only love.

 

When his eyes shifted upwards once again, however, he wasn’t greeted with a look of fear or shock. Instead there was a crooked smile and starry eyes and a question.

 

“What are you doing on Sunday?”

 

For the past three years, Jungwon felt like he was only pretending that the road ahead went on for them when all signs were clearly pointing to a dead end.

 

Nevertheless, tonight felt like a beginning.

THEN

 

There was no feeling that could compare to being with Jay Park. At least this was the case for fifteen year old Jungwon who was still absolutely smitten .

 

He had a new best friend in him. 

 

Jungwon saw him across the schoolyard after the final bell rang. Jay was wearing blue jeans with rips in the knees. The black shirt he wore was tucked into them topped with a black and white collared jacket that looked as if it was made just for him. He had accessories and his hair fell into his eyes and Jungwon felt like he could go crazy at the sight of him looking this stunning at school.

 

He was walking side by side with an older boy that Jungwon knew from last season’s show choir team. The boy was the same age as Jay, he realized. It was safe to assume that they met each other in class.

 

As if Jay knew he was staring, he turned his head. They smiled at each other at the same time. Jay waved first and laughed when Jungwon waved back with even more enthusiasm. 

 

“You know Jay Park?”

 

Jungwon jumped before spinning to look at who had spoken. It was none other than Jake. “You came out of nowhere,” he huffed. “But yeah. I do. How do you know Jay Park?”

 

Jake slung his arm around Jungwon’s shoulders and continued to walk with him towards the buses. “Everyone knows who Jay Park is. The hot new guy.” He was silent for a moment before his eyes went wide and round. “Bella from French class said that. Not me.”

 

“Sure,” Jungwon said with an amused smile on his face. 

 

Jake shoved him away playfully. “Shut up,” he laughed. “But I mean, look at him. Anyone with eyes would think he’s hot.”

 

His eyes in fact did look back to Jay. He stopped in his tracks to do so. He watched Jay as he also stood on the sidewalk in front of the school, still talking calmly to the other boy. A couple girls approached them moments later. Jay spoke politely to them and nodded along to what they said. Jungwon wished he could read lips.

 

“Not even a week into school and he’s this popular,” mumbled Jake. He clicked his tongue. “To be rich and handsome.”

 

Jungwon rolled his eyes at his friend, but before he could reply, Jay was staring straight over one of the girls’ shoulders and directly at him. He had a handsome little smile on his face again. He held his pinky to his lips and his thumb to his ear before mouthing the words, “Call me?” Jungwon giggled softly and nodded. 

 

Jake clicked his tongue for the second time. “And he’s stealing you away from me. He’s got it all,” he joked. He slung his arm back around Jungwon’s shoulders. He began leading them again into the parking lot to the buses. “When did you get close to Jay?”

 

So his new best friend also happened to be the coolest boy in school. Jungwon was envious for two reasons.

 

The first reason was that a part of him wished everyone looked at him the way they looked at Jay. It didn’t seem to matter to anyone how many solos Jungwon got in choir or how hard he worked in class. He was never the talk of the school. Then Jay moves into town and everyone wants to know his name and invite him into their clubs and nominate him for school president. It was effortless.

 

The second and main reason for his jealousy was that he had to share him. It was selfish of Jungwon to want Jay all to himself, but he couldn’t help it. He was torn between wishing that it was him by his side at the lunch table and admiring Jay for being the center of attention even when all he was doing was eating a salad.

 

On the other hand, there was a side to Jay that none of them saw. It was in the moments when Jungwon didn’t have to share him. It was when Jay made Jungwon feel like he was the most important person in the world. 

 

It was in the moments when Jay settled his pinky on top of his while sitting next to each other in church. Or when he waited at his locker so that he could walk him to his next class. Or when he texted Jungwon before he went to sleep every night. It was the little things that he did for nobody else. They all added up.

 

He realized one night what it all added up to. He realized what this feeling was that Jay gave him.

 

Jay had invited him over to his house after school to help with his show choir audition song. When Jungwon walked into his room, however, he almost forgot why he was there in the first place. 

 

He began walking around and observing his things. He stared at the polaroids he had pinned to his wall. His fingers traced the spines of the books on his shelf. He didn’t know that Jay liked to read. He almost teased him for his choice in romance novels. He poked gently at the succulent in his window sill. It was in a pretty green pot.

 

He smiled wide when he spotted Jay’s black and white jacket that he wore often to school. Without asking, he slid it off its hanger. He didn’t hesitate before slipping it on. It was slightly big on him and also incredibly warm. 

 

“Wow,” Jay whispered from behind him.

 

Jungwon looked over his shoulder at him. “Like what you see?” He winked jokingly before turning towards him completely.

 

His cheeks blushed and Jungwon noticed. “You look better than me in it. So, yeah. I guess I do.”

 

Jungwon gawked at him with round eyes. He stuttered over his words which only made Jay’s blush grow a darker red. They had each other speechless.

 

“Can you show me your music sheets?” Jungwon finally said, changing the subject completely. 

 

He stuffed his hands in the jacket pockets as he shuffled over to his bed to sit down. The bed was neatly made as he would expect it to be. He wondered momentarily if he should have sat on the bed or tried on his clothes as if it was his own. Jay’s room felt comfortable and safe. With the two of them there alone together, he could be himself. Jungwon knew Jay wanted it that way.

 

Jungwon began his music lesson. He taught Jay vocal exercises and gave him tips on breath control. He had Jay sing his audition song several times. By the time Jay had sung it three times all the way through, Jungwon began to question himself and if he was actually having him sing it this many times for Jay’s benefit or his own. He was basking in his sweet and clear voice as if it was the sun. He could have listened to him all night.

 

“You’re going to make me lose my voice,” Jay chuckled. They were sitting on the floor now. The sheet music was spread out around them with Jungwon’s notes scribbled all over them. “I think maybe that’s enough for today.”

 

Jungwon reached out and touched his arm. He shook it slightly. “One more time, Jongseongie,” he said. He jutted out his bottom lip just enough to make Jay visibly melt.

 

“Okay. One more time, teacher,” he caved in. He flopped onto his back and closed his eyes. He had the lyrics memorized now.

 

Not taking his eyes off of Jay for even a second, he slowly laid on his back next to him. Jay’s voice changed slightly now that he lay on his back, but it was still sweet and clear and beautiful . He knew for sure now that he was no longer listening to give him pointers, but was completely losing himself in his singing.

 

As Jay was singing the final verse of the song, Jungwon placed his hand on the soft white carpet between their bodies. He hoped that Jay would put his hand next to his, but it stayed resting on his stomach. 

 

Before Jay could open his eyes, Jungwon reached over to grab his arm. He slid his hand down the length of his arm to his hand. Ever so boldly, he still stared at Jay as he wrapped his fingers around his friend’s. Jay lowered their hands to rest between them. Even as he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at him, Jungwon didn’t let go.

 

Ever since he shook his hand that night they met, he had thought about holding his hand like this. Once he had the idea in his head he could never push it away. He knew what he wanted.

 

A slight smile appeared on Jay’s face. “We’re the best,” he whispered.

 

Jungwon smiled back even wider. A blush began to sneak onto his cheeks. Quickly he moved his face into Jay’s shoulder to hide it. He kept their hands together, squishing them between their bodies as he was snuggled into him. Jay shook with silent laughter. 

 

“Jay,” he said into his shoulder. He moved his head so that he was resting his cheek against his shoulder. He watched him through his eyelashes. It was wild how gorgeous his friend was from every angle. “You’re going to do phenomenal. You’ll be the new ace of show choir.”

 

Their faces were merely inches apart when Jay turned his face to look at him. “No way I’ll ever be better than you.”

 

“I’d love it if you were,” said Jungwon. “I would feel so proud of you.”

 

Jay noticeably glanced downwards. Jungwon let out a shaky breath and his heart beat a little faster. He worried that Jay would feel it. Even if he did, however, what would it matter? When had Jay ever pushed him away?

 

Now, apparently.

 

Gently he moved Jungwon off of him and sat up. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” He began to gather the music sheets, making his hands busy. 

 

Jungwon rolled onto his back. “Not at all,” he sighed. “I couldn’t be any more comfortable, hyung.”

 

“Hyung?” Jay guffawed. He looked back at Jungwon. “You’re so Korean.”

 

“ You’re literally Korean,” giggled Jungwon. He reached out to Jay. He wrapped his pointer finger around one of the belt loops of Jay’s jeans. “You could call me your dongsaeng .”

 

Jay wasn’t phased by Jungwon’s random touches. He didn’t even acknowledge his finger as he pulled at the loop. He didn’t mind the times when Jungwon moved Jay’s hair from his eyes or played with his fingers. Neither of them were incredibly touchy people. With each other, however, they were magnets. They couldn’t keep apart.

 

“Dongsaeng,” Jay repeated in a small, cute voice. He continued with reordering the music. “My dongsaeng.”

 

Jungwon burst into giggles, throwing his arm over his face. He let go of Jay’s belt loop before he felt him lay back down next to him. When he moved his arm from his eyes, he was greeted with the most adorable sight. Jay was laying on his stomach with his head resting on his folded arms. He was smiling sweetly at him. Jungwon had butterflies.

 

He had a new best friend in Jay, the coolest boy in school. And he was in love with him.

 

Two months was enough time for Jungwon to know. Call it too soon for the four letter word or call it puppy love, but Jungwon never for a moment doubted his feelings for Jay. He never doubted Jay’s either. 

 

“I’ll give you a ride home after school Monday,” Jay had told him that night as he pulled up to Jungwon’s house. There was nothing quite as attractive as watching Jay drive his black truck with him in the passenger seat. “And the day after that. And the day after that. If you want me to, of course.”

 

Jungwon blushed. “If it’s no bother. I don’t mind riding the bus though. Jake is good company.”

 

“I like spending time with you,” Jay said. Jungwon could have sworn he saw him glance down at his lips again even as they sat in the darkness of his vehicle. “Plus it’s the least I can do after you’ve helped me tonight. I’m going to make it on the team because of you.”

 

Jungwon shook his head in denial. “You’ll make it because of your talent.” He looked down at his hands shyly. “But I’m here for you if you ever need help. It’s what friends are for.”

 

One of his hands that he had been staring at was suddenly occupied. Their fingers intertwined and rested on the seat between them. It felt different. This hand holding felt intimate compared to the hand holding in Jay’s bedroom.

 

“Friends?” Jay whispered. 

 

Slowly Jungwon turned his head. He peaked up at him and melted instantly at the sight. Once again, Jay was being unfairly adorable. He was resting his head against his seat and stared at him with a sweet little smile on his face. His hair was a mess and his eyes were sleepy all while his thumb affectionately stroked his skin.

 

“What else would we be?” 

 

Jay chuckled at his response. “I guess we’ll find out.”

 

Jungwon bit back a smile before he (very begrudgingly) slid his hand out of Jay’s. He picked up his backpack from the floorboard of the truck before hugging it to his chest. 

 

“I’ll see you on Sunday morning?” Jungwon asked, changing the subject completely. 

 

“Of course,” he promised. “I’ll be there.”

NOW

 

It should feel natural for Jungwon to be in a church with Jay. They met in a church youth group, would sit next to each other every Sunday morning, and go to their parents’ events together. However, after years of avoiding it, being in one felt strange.

 

“Where do we sit? Why are we here, actually? Should we be here? I feel like they can tell I’m gay just by looking at me. I think we should leave, Jay. This probably wasn’t a great idea. You’re usually full of great ideas, but this isn’t one of them. Why did you convince me to do this?” Jungwon muttered in one breath.

 

Jay chuckled and shook his head. “First of all,” he whispered in response, “I didn’t have to convince you. You immediately agreed.”

 

“Because it’s you.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Jay’s hand rested gently on the small of Jungwon’s back as they stepped into the sanctuary of the church. It was a small church, but packed with people. The lights were down and worship was beginning. It reminded Jungwon of the church they had attended as teenagers.

 

This only triggered him more.

 

“It’s not too late to make our second date, like, a bowling date or… I don’t know. A gay bar,” he said with his lips pressed to Jay’s ear. The volume of the room was rising as the music began. 

 

“This suits us better,” Jay insisted.

 

And Jungwon knew he was right, which is exactly why he didn’t resist anymore as Jay began to lead them towards a middle row.

 

As they stood at their seats, his eyes shifted nervously. He noticed who he assumed to be the pastor in the front row, lifting his arms to the song. He watched as the stage’s lights of purples and blues bounced off the walls. His heart felt oddly heavy as he watched the lead singer of the band strum his electric guitar and close his eyes. The boy was young too. Probably seventeen.

 

Tears gathered at Jungwon’s water line and with one blink they were streaming down his cheeks. The boy sang with the same kind of emotion Jungwon had all those years ago. He meant every word, every lyric, that came from his lips. The whole room was sucked in, including Jungwon.

 

“I am chosen, not forsaken. I am who you say I am.”

 

Jungwon felt the lyrics pierce him right through the heart. As if Jay knew--because he always somehow knows--he slid his fingers between Jungwon’s and squeezed.

 

“You are for me, not against me. I am who you say I am.”

 

Years of trauma could not be healed in one Sunday morning at a random church service. In fact, it felt like a bandaid was slapped onto an open wound that required far more medical attention. But it was something and something felt like everything.

 

After being rejected by his own church for being gay, he had felt rejected by God. He felt as if there was no hope for someone like him. He was the way he was and there was no changing that part of him. And if he couldn’t change then he would go to hell. Right?

 

“Who the Son sets free. Oh, is free indeed. I’m a child of God. Yes, I am.”

 

Yet near the end of the service, once the sermon was wrapped up and the worship team was singing the song once again, Jungwon found his feet moving before he could even fully wrap his mind around what he was doing. He kneeled at the front of the stage and squeezed his eyes shut. 

 

“In my Father’s house there’s a place for me. I’m a child of God. Yes, I am.”

 

Jungwon was startled when an arm was suddenly settling around his shoulders, but he realized without opening his eyes who it was. He relaxed into his touch, moving his head into his chest where they kneeled together on the carpeted floor.

 

“There was nothing wrong with us,” Jungwon whispered. “He never stopped loving us.”

 

He melted into Jay’s embrace even more. He left tear stains in his shirt and hugged him around the waist so tightly that the material was sure to be wrinkled. Jay continuously ran his fingers through Jungwon’s hair and whispered a prayer against his forehead. Jungwon could only make out half of his words over the sound of worship, but what he did hear only made him melt more.

 

Jay prayed for repentance for all he’d done, for drifting away and doing things that he wasn’t proud of. He prayed for strength for the both of them. For us , he said. Jungwon held him tighter.

 

A few hands eventually came to rest on their backs and voices prayed over them. These people didn’t know their story. They didn’t know why Jungwon was kneeling at the front of the stage crying nor did they understand the weight behind the words of Jay’s prayers, but they still prayed for them. Jungwon felt completely enveloped in love. It was safe and real and right.

 

Jungwon finally opened his eyes as the song came to an end and people began to make their way out of the church sanctuary to go about their day. Jay was already looking at him with a smile on his face. There was a fondness in his eyes as well as something else. Amusement . 

 

“I didn’t expect it to go like this,” Jay chuckled. He reached forward and used his thumb to gently swipe Jungwon’s tears away. 

 

Jungwon sniffled. “Story of my life.”

 

Jay chuckled more which caused Jungwon to smile. It was an instant reaction to the sound of his laugh.

 

Beginning . It was a word that came to him again as they walked out of church together. He thought it the first time during their date at the restaurant. It felt like a new beginning. But this--this was a beginning for healing. This was a beginning for something better. 

 

Something safe and real and right. 

THEN

 

Hiding never bothered Jungwon. It was never an audible agreement that they made to hide from everyone. It was a silent agreement between two closeted, queer boys in a midwest town with religious parents and shockingly homophobic classmates. It was maybe cowardly, but the right thing to do. It was the safe thing to do for a love all too real. It was all too real and all theirs. 

 

There was a small part of Jungwon that wished they all knew. Maybe then the junior girls would stop flirting with Jay and calling him JJ. Everyone would know that the most special boy that had ever attended their high school liked him of all people. Jay chose him over and over again. Jungwon could hardly believe it and it was his little secret.

 

And out of all his friends that he could have sat next to on the bus, Jay chose him.

 

They were on their way to the first show choir competition. It was the day before, but their team was going to stay overnight at a hotel. Jungwon had no idea how their show choir budget allowed for two nights at a hotel, but he couldn’t complain. Jungwon always enjoyed hotel stays--especially since his family rarely traveled. 

 

It was nearly a four hour drive including the food and bathroom stops they were sure to make on the way. The first hour was loud and rowdy. Everyone was buzzing with anticipation, singing along to songs off a Billboard Hot 100 playlist and drinking energy drinks from a case that a senior boy brought along.

 

By the second hour, one of their teachers had fallen asleep in the front. The music was turned down. People switched seats to sit next to their boyfriend or girlfriend and Jay stayed next to him.

 

They leaned against each other in the half-comfortable Greyhound seats. Jay’s winter coat was thrown over his lap, but Jungwon was still wrapped up in his. Despite the heat being on in the bus, he couldn’t get warm enough. Their hands rested in their laps with their phones occupying them. Jungwon was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, looking at the photos posted by his schoolmates that he wouldn’t even consider friends. Jay, on the other hand, was struggling to pick a song to listen to on his AirPods.

 

Jungwon tucked his phone into his coat pocket. He slowly reached over. His fingertips trailed along the veins of Jay’s wrist to the palm of his hand. He flipped his hand over and he traced the lines on his hand until Jay pulled away. 

 

A pout was on his lips until he saw how offended Jay looked. He had a shocked expression, as if he couldn’t believe that Jungwon was touching him like that. It was how he always had touched him in secret, but never in the open like this.

 

Jungwon giggled. “Are you getting shy?” He whispered, moving his face in front of his teasingly. He was proud of the way it made Jay blush.

 

“Shut up,” mumbled Jay. A little smirk grew on his face. “Brat.”

 

He looked back at his phone, still scrolling through his playlists. Jungwon thought it was endearing how indecisive he was at times. Choosing a song shouldn’t be a challenge, but somehow he made it one.

 

“Can I?” Jungwon said, pointing at Jay’s phone. He tilted his head and smiled cutely. His eyes became crescents and Jay couldn’t say no. 

 

Pleased with his ability to convince Jay of practically anything, he playfully snatched the phone from his hand. He already had a song in mind. A couple nights prior when he was having his nightly chat with Jake on the phone, the song began to play from his laptop. He stopped listening to Jake’s rambling and tuned into the song completely. He felt cheesy for picturing Jay in every lyric and chord. He almost sent it to him. This was better.

 

Jay smiled softly at him. His shoulders visibly relaxed and he let out a small sigh. Maybe it was exactly the kind of song he wanted to hear. Or maybe he could tell he picked it just for him. Whatever it was, Jungwon knew he did something right.

 

He leaned his shoulder against Jay’s again. They held their eye contact still, but the moment he smiled wider at him, Jungwon giggled and turned his head to look out the window. With his face still angled away, he felt fingers pushing an earbud in and Kevin Atwater’s beautiful voice filled his ear.

 

“Could we live in this tangled mess forever? They can pull our bodies out when they’re old and weathered. Maybe over time they will have joined at the center. No trace that you and I were ever not together.”

 

He didn’t look away from the blur of the trees and clouds and passing cars. But he could feel as Jay moved his winter coat over both their laps. For a moment he thought it was a sweet gesture in order to warm him up more. Then he felt a hand. His fingers rested on the top of Jungwon’s thigh, under the coat and out of sight. It was innocent and made his lunch feel like it was jumping rope in his stomach--in the best way--and his stomach had an embarrassing warm, tight feeling.

 

“If your love is my love, I want more.”

 

Jungwon slid his hand under the coat. He laid his hand on top of Jay’s before wrapping his fingers around his ever so gently. Jay folded his fingers over his and the action made him giggle again. Jungwon’s thumb stroked his knuckles.

 

He couldn’t help but think about a night at rehearsal less than a week ago. Their team was taking a break so Jungwon dragged him behind the stage to hold his hand as they drank from their water bottles. 

 

Jay had smiled down at their hands and joked that he could hold his hand all he wanted, but not in front of their cool friends. This made Jungwon laugh and ask who their non-cool friends were. 

 

“Jake,” Jay immediately replied.

 

He laughed even harder.

 

When they arrived at the hotel, everyone filed off the bus and began to figure out room arrangements. Some had already chosen their roommate while others wandered in search of someone. In the same moment that Jungwon was going to ask Jay to be his, a senior boy butted between them. He turned his back to Jungwon as if he wasn’t even there. 

 

“Roomies?” The boy said with a wide smile, displaying his perfect teeth. 

 

Blake was a handsome, popular boy with freckles sprinkling his cheeks and dark wavy hair. His girlfriend was also in show choir. It’s where they met. He was truly a sweet guy. Everybody loved him. But right now Jungwon was imagining punching his perfect white teeth out of his face.

 

He sighed and started to turn to walk away when he heard Jay's response. 

 

“Actually, I’m already rooming with Jungwon. Maybe next time?”

 

Jungwon spun back around with round eyes and raised eyebrows. He quickly composed himself when Blake turned to look at him. He smiled and nodded at the older classmate. 

 

“Oh. Cool,” mumbled Blake. Jungwon could tell for a fact that he did not think it was cool. “I’ll see you two around.”

 

As soon as Blake walked away, Jungwon was a blushing mess. He hid his face in his sleeves which were pulled over his hands before rushing past Jay to grab his bags. He could hear Jay trailing behind, chuckling fondly at him.

 

They eventually got their room key cards after making their teachers aware of their rooming arrangement. Jay was in a great mood. He jumped in the elevator to scare Jungwon--which earned him a whack on the arm. He then challenged Jungwon to a race down a hall, tripping over his suitcase halfway down it. Jungwon’s face was hurting from how hard he was laughing at him. It was rare that Jay had this much energy. It was precious.

 

As they walked inside, they were greeted with the sight of a pretty normal hotel room. There was a desk, a small flat screen television, and--

 

“There’s two beds,” observed Jungwon.

 

Jay furrowed his eyebrows. “Why wouldn’t there be two beds?” He rolled his suitcase to the end of the bed closest to the door. He looked at him with a smug smile on his face. “Were you hoping there’d only be one, Jungwonnie?”

 

And just like that, Jungwon was blushing again. “No. I read too many books. That’s all,” he huffed. He shuffled past him to the other bed, dropping his bags to the floor. “Stop looking at me like that.”

 

Jay snickered before reaching over to jab at his side. He squirmed away, laughing immediately. Jungwon couldn’t get away though. A war had been started. Before he knew it, he was pinned to the bed and Jay was tickling his sides. Jungwon usually wasn’t one to be very ticklish, but Jay had an effect on him. 

 

“Jongseong,” he wheezed out between laughs. He pushed his hands away. “I admit my defeat. Stop before I pee in my bed.”

 

Finally Jay let him go, but didn’t move from where he sat. It was then that Jungwon realized the compromising position they were in. Jay was straddling his waist and looking down at him with the biggest, prettiest smile. His hands rested on Jungwon’s sides, but didn’t tickle or jab. They simply rested there. Jungwon’s shirt was riding up slightly as well. A sliver of his tummy was exposed. Immediately he felt shy. But Jay, ever so attentive, noticed and pulled the bottom of Jungwon’s shirt down to cover it.

 

Jungwon had the embarrassing warm and tight feeling in his stomach again as he trailed a hand up along Jay’s arm. He couldn’t believe his own confidence as he moved his hand under his short sleeve shirt to touch his bicep. Jay’s smile was slowly fading. His bright eyes continuously shifted up and down Jungwon’s face.

 

“Stay in my bed tonight?” He whispered, still looking up at him. But to his surprise, Jay shook his head. His hand slid back down to Jay’s forearm and shook it. “Please?”

 

Jay sighed. “I don’t think we should sleep in the same bed,” he said in a small, sweet voice. It was practically baby talk. It was ridiculous and Jungwon loved it when he used it with him. “Maybe next time?”

 

Jungwon pouted as Jay moved off of him and over to his suitcase. “That’s what you said to Blake and we both know you’re not rooming with him next time,” he said in amusement. He propped himself up on his elbows and watched Jay pull out his pajamas along with various skincare and hair products.

 

“And who will I room with next time? Hm?” Jay teased, turning to look at him once everything was gathered in his arms. 

 

“Me, of course,” smiled Jungwon. He winked at him and threw up a finger heart. 

 

Jay smiled and shook his head. “You’re cute,” he mumbled. He walked into the bathroom with a tender smile still on his face. He began to set everything down on the sink counter as he called back out to him. “Do you want to shower after me and then go out to find a snack?”

 

He rolled onto his side and hugged a pillow to his chest, tiredness overcoming his body. “If I can stay awake.”

 

Jay peaked his head back out. “Do I need to come torment you again to wake you up?” He joked. 

 

Jungwon shook his head quickly. “Nope. I’ll stay awake,” he said. “I promise.”

 

That promise could not be kept unfortunately. He woke up an hour later with a blanket draped over him. Two bags of chips sat on the table between their beds. One was empty and one was unopened. Even in the darkness of the room he could make out the outline of Jay’s face across from his. He was wrapped up in the cover and hugging himself. His cheeks were puffy and his lips were jutted out adorably.

 

Jungwon wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed and wrap his body around Jay’s. He always wanted to be close to him. But he’d respect Jay’s wishes of sleeping in separate beds.

 

It wasn’t until they were a bit older that Jay admitted his reasoning.

 

“I wouldn’t have been able to resist kissing you,” he had said.

 

Jungwon admitted something in return.

 

“I wanted you to.”

NOW

 

As memories of him had for years, Jay lingers. And thank God he does.

 

Life caught up to them as life does. Jungwon’s new work schedule keeps him busy. He successfully got a job as a sound technician. It isn’t his dream job by any means, but it would do for now. His boss had him working strange hours starting out and it made him regret saying that he was flexible.

 

He also caught up with old friends and spent a weekend with Jake camping by a lake. They went fishing and stayed up late drinking Jake’s weird beers. Nobody was camping near them so they blasted their music until early morning. There was a chill in the air and dead leaves covered the grass. Jungwon preferred warmer weather to this, but he wasn’t going to turn down Jake’s idea.

 

After not even a blink of sleep and alcohol on their breaths, Jungwon cried into his friend’s shoulder.

 

“I missed you so much,” he sobbed.

 

Jake fondly patted his hair. “I think you had one too many. Let’s get you to bed.”

 

Life caught up to Jay in the same way. He had quit his job at his father’s company, but because of his experience and degree, he got another job just as impressive and well paying. When he recently got promoted, he had called Jungwon to tell him the news. He promised him dinner to celebrate, to which Jungwon agreed.

 

But life, as life does, pushed their plans to the side several times. Something always got in the way. They were never upset at each other about it. They were adults now. They had jobs and bills to pay and responsibilities that Jungwon wished that he could tuck away for awhile.

 

So Jay lingered and he did too. They were available to each other when they could be. Jay would send messages throughout his hectic day which included photos of his stacks of paperwork and random selfies of himself in his work suits because he knew Jungwon would like it. 

 

There was finally a night when they were both available and it was a Friday night. It was perfect. 

 

And Jungwon was exhausted . 

 

He had gotten out of work which had been a long ten hour shift. He wanted nothing more than to spend time with Jay, but the thought of getting dressed up and going to a restaurant only exhausted him more.

 

‘come to my house :)’

 

Jungwon was thankful when he read the message. He stopped by his apartment to at least get changed into a nice sweater and spray some cologne on himself before walking the short distance around the block to Jay’s house.

 

Although he had never been to his house, he knew exactly which one it was. Jay had sent him several photos of it the day he moved in about a year ago. He could never forget the big red door that Jay said he would repaint and never did. There was a narrow stone walkway that led up to his porch. Jungwon smiled softly at the sight of a small plant next to his door. It was in a pale sage green pot--it was his favorite color.

 

Before he could knock, Jay swung the door open. He could smell food inside and his stomach was immediately aching.

 

“It smells delicious,” Jungwon said sweetly. He took a step towards him in the doorway. Suddenly he felt shy despite several days of messaging and phone calls. “Thank you for having me over.”

 

Jay smiled wide at him. “You’re welcome anytime,” he said. He reached forward and gently took one of Jungwon’s hands into his own. He intertwined their fingers before pulling him inside.

 

Just as Jungwon had all those years ago in Jay’s bedroom, he took it upon himself to begin walking around to observe his things. It was as neat as he thought it would be. That never changed about him. Jay always kept his space organized and clean. His mother had raised him well.

 

He poked at the fake leaves hanging in one of the corners. He thumbed through his vinyl collection next to his record player which he didn’t even know he had. A giggle escaped his lips before he could help it when he picked up a Harry Styles vinyl. Jay pinched his side before Jungwon could start teasing him.

 

“Your living room looks like a Pinterest photo,” he mumbled, teasing him anyway.

 

Jay rolled his eyes at that. “Are you ready to eat, brat?” He said. He bit back at a smile as he walked towards the kitchen. “The food is getting cold.”

 

His stomach had stopped aching until the mention of food. Quickly, he followed him into the kitchen. The sight of everything made his stomach growl and his heart swell.

 

“How long have you been cooking?” He asked with round eyes. He walked along his island counter. It was filled with small plates and bowls. “And these are all Korean dishes, aren’t they? God, it looks delicious. I could drop to my knees right now.”

 

Jay laughed loudly right as Jungwon began to panic.

 

“I meant knee,” shouted Jungwon, waving his hands in front of him. “Singular knee. As in I could propose to you out of happiness. Not knees . That wasn’t--oh, god.”

 

“I didn’t know my cooking would turn you on so much-”

 

“Stop it.”

 

Jay closed the space between them, hugging him close as he continued to laugh at Jungwon’s embarrassment. Jungwon wanted to stay mad at him for laughing, but he couldn’t. Not when his hugs are so warm. Not when he presses gentle, innocent kisses to the crook of his neck. Not when Jay himself feels like home and looked like home the moment he opened the door to him.

 

Jungwon had clapped his hands in excitement when he handed him chopsticks. Jay, however, continued to use his fork like a true American. He ate so much and so quickly that he barely spoke a word to Jay. He could feel his eyes on him almost the entire time. At one point Jay put the last gimbap onto his plate and told him to keep eating. Jungwon was sure that he was looking back at him with the biggest heart eyes in human history.

 

After they finished eating, Jungwon insisted on helping clean up. Jay insisted that he rest. He was too tired to keep arguing. Filling his stomach had only made him more dozy. So, he stayed in his stool next to the island. His eyes followed Jay as he walked back and forth, grabbing all of the empty bowls and plates. He simply rinsed them and then left them there in the sink.

 

“Who are you and what have you done to Jay?” He joked. He covered his mouth which was shaped like an ‘o.’ “You’re not going to wash them?”

 

Jay clicked his tongue. “They can wait until the morning.” He rinsed off the final one. He turned to Jungwon as he dried his hands with a small towel. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

 

Jungwon smiled instantly and nodded. “That sounds nice,” he agreed. “Can I pick it?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Can I wear a pair of your sweatpants?”

 

“Yeah. That’s fine.”

 

“Can we watch it in your bed?”

 

He clicked his tongue again. “Why are you asking so many questions?” He approached Jungwon where he still sat on the stool. Jungwon’s sleepy eyes followed his hand as he laced his fingers between his own again. “Why in my bed?”

 

“Because I’m tired, Jongseong,” he sighed. 

 

Jay sighed back exaggeratedly which earned a weak smile from him. “So you’re going to sleep here tonight?” He used his other hand to move Jungwon’s bangs from his eyes. Jungwon closed his eyes when his fingers delicately swept across his forehead. “You can do that. I’ll get you those sweatpants.”

 

A pleased smile stretched across Jungwon’s face. He opened his eyes as Jay pulled him up from his stool. He trailed behind him down a hallway. His bedroom was at the end of it. A part of him wanted to walk around and be as nosy as he had been in his living room, but a larger part of him wanted to collapse onto his bed and fall asleep.

 

It was far too enticing. The bed was large and neatly made, pillows fluffed and cover tucked into the mattress as if it were a hotel bed. It looked downy and warm and it probably smelled like Jay.

 

“I haven’t showered since I got off work,” he sighed softly. He looked at Jay. “I should probably do that before I lay in your bed.”

 

Jay was occupied with searching for the perfect sweatpants for Jungwon in his dresser drawer as he shook his head. “You can wait until the morning if you’d rather, Jungwonnie. I don’t mind,” he reassured him.

 

Another sigh was released, but this time in relief. The feeling of relief came to him often around Jay. It was still there as he got changed into the sweatpants and also a big sky blue t-shirt that he instantly accepted the offer of. Jay got changed at the same time as him in the bathroom connected to his room, giving them both their privacy. 

 

Relief was like a blanket over him as Jay pulled the literal blanket over their bodies. There was no hesitation before Jungwon drew closer to him. He buried his head in Jay’s chest and closed his eyes. The sound of the Netflix opening screen rang through the room. It was the only sound other than Jay’s steady breathing.

 

Jay wrapped his arm around his shoulders. “What movie are you thinking? Not that you’ll stay awake for it,” he teased. His thumb rubbed his shoulder. That alone could soothe Jungwon right to sleep, but he forced his eyes open.

 

“ Call Me By Your Name ,” he mumbled. 

 

“Controversial.”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

Jay chuckled as he clicked around to find it. “I’ll never forget first watching this with you,” he spoke softly after a moment. “You were a crying mess by the end of it.”

 

“I always hoped that I would never go through that kind of heartbreak. You know…” Jungwon paused. “The kind of heartbreak Elio experienced.”

 

There was a heaviness in the room now, but he wasn’t uncomfortable. It wasn’t always easy to be honest and vulnerable, but Jay made him feel like he could be both of those things.

 

“But you did.”

 

“I did. More than once.”

 

Jay selected the movie before setting the remote on his bedside table. He wrapped both arms around Jungwon now. He held him and the heaviness floated away. There were words unsaid and feelings undealt with. There were stories Jungwon hadn’t yet shared, a whole past that Jay knew nothing about.

 

But Jungwon was far too tired and Jay was far too content. Those discussions could wait. They had time. And for now they had this.

 

As hard as he had tried, Jungwon couldn’t stay awake.

 

He woke up once to the sight of Elio and Oliver in Italy streets. Jay was running his fingers up and down Jungwon’s arm. His skin tingled.

 

He woke up a second time. The television had been turned off as well as the lamp by the bed. Jay was moving so that they were both lying down completely. Jungwon readjusted his body. His foot nudged against one of Jay’s and he nuzzled his head into his shoulder.

 

When he woke up the third time, the digital clock on the wall said 2:09. Jay’s fingers felt nice against his scalp and running through his hair, but he couldn’t help his concern. He moved so that his head was next to his on the pillow. It was clear that Jay didn’t expect him to be awake. Jungwon could see his raised eyebrows even in the dimness of the bedroom.

 

Jay turned onto his side, facing towards him. “You’re awake?” he whispered. 

 

“I should be asking you the same thing.”

 

Jay smiled gently. “It’s hard to sleep,” he said. “I don’t want to miss this.”

 

Jungwon furrowed his eyebrows. “Miss this?”

 

“Miss you,” he immediately replied.

 

A sweet, sleepy smile that matched Jay’s was on his face as he moved his head in closer. He rested his forehead against his and closed his eyes.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Every bit of Jungwon wanted to kiss him at that moment. 

 

Yet he resisted.

THEN

 

Their show choir team won grand champion as well as the award for best soloist. Jungwon wanted to kiss Jay to congratulate him for that one, since he was the said soloist, but he settled for hugging him on the stage with the trophy squished between their bodies.

 

It called for a celebration. Blake was throwing a party at his house since his parents were “cool” and would leave the house to him for the night while they went out. Drinks were sure to be there as well as music. Practically half the school was invited.

 

Jay was an expected guest. As the two of them walked to his car after school, a handful of people said to Jay, “ see you tonight. ” Jay only smiled or nodded at them while Jungwon stared at him in admiration.

 

Last season, Jungwon was in his place. He got the trophy for best soloist and having his talent acknowledged by the judges felt like his life’s greatest achievement up to that point. However, he wasn’t approached in the way Jay was. Only his close friends came to congratulate him and nobody threw a party with the expectation that he would show his face at some point of the night.

 

Jay was a star. From the moment he stepped foot into their school, everyone worshiped the ground he walked on. And Jungwon couldn’t blame them for it. He did it first.

 

“I’m not going to that party.”

 

Jungwon jumped. They had been driving in silence for a bit, music playing softly on the radio. He turned his face from the window to look at him. 

 

“You’re not?” He said in surprise. “Everyone thinks you are.”

 

“I’m not much of a partier,” Jay admitted. “I think I’d rather hang out with you.”

 

Jungwon smiled at that. It was a wide, cheesy grin that made Jay chuckle when he glanced over and saw him. 

 

“Me?” He asked. He pointed at himself and tilted his head. “Little ole me?”

 

Jay smiled sweetly at him. “We could literally go anywhere,” he said. “Anywhere but Blake’s house.”

 

“Chicago?”

 

“Anywhere but Blake’s house and Chicago.”

 

Jungwon pouted at that. If there was one thing that he loved about living in Illinois, it was Chicago. When he meets new people or talks to family abroad, he’ll always say he lives in Chicago. The only problem was that they actually lived a few hours away. It wasn’t a quick trip.

 

“I’d love to go to Chicago with you one day,” said Jungwon in a small voice. He leaned his head back against his seat as he stared at the older boy. “You’d like it. You’re a city boy after all.”

 

“We will,” he replied. He sounded so sure of himself. “We’ll go one day, but not today.”

 

“Fine,” Jungwon sighed.

 

Teasingly Jay sighed back at him before they fell into a comfortable silence once again. Jungwon stared at him as his thoughts trailed further from the topic at hand. He thought about how he could watch him drive all evening. They didn’t need a destination in mind. They could just drive in circles. Jungwon wouldn’t mind one bit.

 

“I got my allowance yesterday,” Jay spoke suddenly, once again making Jungwon jump. “We could go to the arcade.”

 

Jay was the only teenager that Jungwon knew that got an allowance . Jungwon always assumed it was a perk of having rich parents. He essentially got paid for having good grades and doing chores. Jungwon never remembered getting any kind of reward for those things other than maybe a pat on the back. Jay was spoiled, but Jungwon loved him for it.

 

“Can we get food there too?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“I’m in.”

 

When they first got to the arcade, it felt like Jungwon was hanging out with his best friend. They were competitive, especially playing a racing video game and again with skee-ball. Jungwon had never seen someone that determined playing skee-ball. He made fun of him for it, but really thought it was the cutest thing.

 

As the night progressed, however, it felt less like he was hanging out with his best friend and more like was on a date with his best friend--his best friend who he loved.

 

They shared nachos and split a cheeseburger after using up all their game credits. At one point Jay fed him a chip and Jungwon’s ears burned red at the gesture. He had seen moves like this in several k-dramas. He had to look around to make sure there weren’t any cameras.

 

But there were no cameras and no script for Jay to read off of. It was real life.

 

Jay bought them more game credits for their card so they could play more games. They were determined to get enough points that they could win the corny matching teddy bears that hung on the prize wall. The bears were ugly and looked as if they could have come from the dollar store, but for whatever reason they wanted them.

 

They swiped their card for game after game, getting closer and closer to their goal. They were less than 100 points away when they decided to take another break. Jungwon convinced him that an Icee would motivate them. Neither of them had admitted it out loud, but they were tired. Two hours of running around an arcade was surprisingly exhausting.

 

They wandered to the back of the arcade side by side as they sipped at their frozen drinks. It was a quiet corner that not many visited. Old games occupied the space, games that didn’t appeal to most and also didn’t earn any points for prizes. It was the perfect place to go to be alone though.

 

Jungwon giggled at Jay when he looked over at him and noticed his blue stained lips. They came to a stop, facing each other completely now.

 

“What?” Jay chuckled. 

 

“You just…” Jungwon giggled again. “You look cute.”

 

He hadn’t meant for it to slip out. They had called each other cute before, but usually after one of them did something stupid and they could play it off as sarcasm.

 

This, on the other hand, was out of the blue.

 

Jay shifted his eyes to the ground quickly. A wide smile graced his pretty lips and Jungwon could have sworn that he was falling in love with him all over again at that very moment. Before he knew it, his words began to spill from his mouth and he couldn’t stop them. He was far too caught up in his feelings. His heart was doing all the talking while his brain was on autopilot.

 

“I think you’re the cutest person. Not only at our school, but ever in my life. And no one makes me laugh like you. Did you know that I’ve stolen just about every one of your jokes and used them on Jake?” Jungwon admitted. He watched Jay as he looked up from the ground. His wide eyes mirrored his own. “He probably thinks I’m the funniest person ever all of a sudden, but it’s actually all you.”

 

The more Jungwon spoke, the more Jay’s eyes began to twinkle. It only made him want to keep going.

 

“I think you’re the coolest person, Jongseong. I bought a shirt the other day that wasn’t my style at all, but it reminded me of you. And I was going to wear it to the party just to see if you would compliment it,” he chuckled. 

 

The apples of Jay’s cheeks flushed a rosy pink. Jungwon was melting into the floor. 

 

“Then I began to wonder,” Jungwon continued, “if I’ve been constantly mimicking you because I want to be like you or because I…”

 

Jay immediately took a step towards him. The space between them was getting smaller and Jungwon’s heart was beating harder.

 

“You can say it,” he whispered. “It’s only us here.”

 

Jungwon stared into his starry eyes. “You know what I’m going to say already.”

 

“I still want to hear you say it.”

 

As they had time and time again, Jay’s eyes glanced at his lips. Jungwon always noticed and it made him want it more and more. 

 

“I love you.”

 

He hadn’t meant for that to slip out either. Jungwon froze immediately at his own words. Of all the four letter words that start with ‘l’ that wasn’t the one he meant to say aloud. Yet just as they had been for the past few minutes, his true feelings for Jay came out. His heart had taken the wheel completely.

 

“Love?”

 

Jungwon watched as his smile fell from his face. His mouth didn’t fall into a frown, but instead he was gaping at him in shock. It made Jungwon want to run away and cry into his Icee. Instead, he remained brave.

 

“I do,” he whispered. “I love you, Jay.”

 

With one more step, Jay closed the space between them. From there were clumsy lips and hands that didn’t know where to go.

 

It wasn’t a kiss like he’d seen in the k-dramas. Fireworks didn’t erupt nor did a piano version of the series’ OST play in the background. Instead there was the sound of a screaming child in the distance throwing a tantrum and the noises of the game machines around them.

 

What they also had was coincidentally the song ‘Boyfriend’ by Justin Bieber playing overhead which made Jungwon laugh against Jay’s lips. Jay pulled away in confusion. One of his eyebrows went up and he was smiling fondly at the giddy boy. Without explaining, Jungwon leaned forward and crashed his lips back into his.

 

His lips didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how much tongue was too much and when he accidentally bit Jay’s lip, they parted and laughed as he held his mouth.

 

“Are you a vampire?” He laughed loudly. He playfully shoved at Jungwon’s shoulder. 

 

He studied the carpet now in embarrassment. “No,” mumbled Jungwon. A smirk was growing on his face. It was almost mischievous. “But I could be your boyfriend.”

 

There was a beat of silence. Silence except for Justin Bieber’s voice.

 

“This is why I tell the jokes.”

 

They left that evening without earning the remaining points for the bears. Instead they went out to Jay’s truck. They talked for as long as they had played the games. Their hands were interlocked and Jungwon couldn’t stop himself from staring at them as the two of them spoke.

 

They also kissed some more. With every kiss Jungwon felt more confident. He kissed him hard and eager but then also soft and sweet and slow as if to savor the blue raspberry taste that was still on his lips. His hands touched him on his arms and on his face. He touched his neck and his chest and his thighs and Jay reacted to every glide of his fingers. It was innocent and lovely and everything Jungwon wanted.

 

Exactly one year later they came back to that parking lot together in Jay’s black truck. They parked at the back of the lot but didn’t go inside the arcade.

 

Less innocent were their kisses this time around. Less innocent were their touches.  Their lips had plenty of experience and knew each other well. Their hands knew their favorite places to go. Jungwon’s hands, however, wandered somewhere they hadn’t yet explored on Jay and he reacted with the same excitement that he had one year earlier.

 

“I love you,” Jay breathed against his neck. He moaned softly into his skin and Jungwon thought it was beautiful.

 

Jungwon used his free hand to bring Jay’s face in front of his to look into his eyes. They were bright and filled with an overwhelming pleasure. 

 

“I love you,” he whispered back. “I always will.”

NOW

 

Bacon . Jungwon thinks it was the scent of it that woke him up. A part of him was upset that Jay wasn’t still in bed with him, but then his stomach growled and he no longer minded his absence. He pulled himself up from Jay’s bed and grabbed one of the throw blankets at the end of the bed to wrap around himself before waddling out of the room and down the hallway. 

 

When he entered the bright kitchen, he was surprised to see that Jay actually wasn’t in there. However, there was crispy bacon done and piled onto a plate along with a couple omelets on another plate. The dishes from the night before were washed and placed on the drying rack. 

 

Jungwon smiled to himself thinking about the fact that Jay was probably unable to do anything else before he got those dishes out of the way. It was probably one of the first things on his to do list when he woke up.

 

His body whipped around when he heard the front door of the house open. Within a few moments Jay appeared in the doorway with a paper grocery bag in his arms.

 

“Good morning,” Jay smiled at him as he placed the paper bag on the island. “I went to the market around the block to grab a few things.”

 

He began to pull out the items. Two containers that caught his eyes were cold brew and liquid coffee creamer. Jay didn’t like coffee.

 

“I thought  you would probably want some with your breakfast,” Jay said when he noticed him staring.

 

Finally Jungwon smiled back at him. “Sorry, I’m still trying to wake up,” he chuckled. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands which were wrapped in the soft throw blanket. “Thank you. And thank you for breakfast. Those omelets look perfect.” 

 

His bare feet padded towards him on the cold kitchen tile. Jay wrapped both of his arms around him and pulled him into his chest. He took this as an invitation to rest his head on Jay’s shoulder.

 

“Let’s make our plates and eat in the living room,” Jay said softly near his ear. “We can put on a record and take it easy.”

 

“The Harry Styles record?” Jungwon teased.

 

“You make fun of me like you don’t also listen to his music.”

 

“Oh, I like Harry. But I like making fun of you more.”

 

Jay pinched his side and Jungwon knew he deserved that one.

 

They took their time making their plates. Jungwon made his iced coffee while Jay began to make hot tea for himself. He sipped through his straw as he waited for Jay and then soon they walked together with their plates and drinks into the living room. They placed everything on the small glass table across from his sofa. Jungwon settled on the floor and leaned his back against the couch.

 

He watched as Jay poked through his records in search of the perfect one. After what felt like two minutes of him contemplating, he settled on one. A giggle escaped Jungwon’s lips when he heard the opening notes of ‘Golden.’

 

“This was his best album,” Jungwon commented as Jay sat cross legged across from him.

 

Jay hummed. “I think I agree.”

 

As Jay sipped from his mug, he watched Jungwon cut into the omelet and take his first bite. “Good?” he sweetly asked.

 

Jungwon nodded quickly. “Delicious,” he mumbled, covering his full mouth with his hand. 

 

Satisfied, Jay cut into his as well. They ate to the sound of Harry’s singing. The sunlight shone brightly through the sheer white curtains, setting the perfect mood for a comfortable morning together. Jungwon admired the tanness of Jay’s arms now that he took off his jacket. His eyes drifted back up to his face though. He almost giggled at the way he was completely immersed in his food.

 

He enjoyed cooking, but he enjoyed eating it even more.

 

Jungwon grabbed his napkin before reaching across the table to wipe a tiny bacon piece off of his bottom lip. Jay fondly watched him as he did.

 

“You take such good care of me. And it’s been awhile since I was taken care of like this,” Jungwon said as he leaned against the couch again. “I want to take care of you too, Jongseongie.”

 

Jay smiled small at him before picking up his mug to take another sip. He kept his eyes on him as he did. Jungwon could see in his eyes that he wanted to say something. He was holding something back.

 

“What’s on your mind?” He whispered. He popped another bite into his mouth but kept his eyes on Jay so he knew he was really interested.

 

Jay kept his sweet, gentle smile on his face. “I was wondering something,” he said softly. He almost seemed shy about it. Or maybe nervous. “About your last boyfriend.”

 

Jungwon hummed. A year ago he would have tensed up at the mention of him. Now, however, he has healed. It wasn’t painful talking about it anymore. It also wasn’t easy to talk about it, but for Jay he would.

 

“Ask me anything.”

 

“You never talked about him to me when you were together. A little at first, but then you never brought him up again,” Jay said softly. He cradled his mug in his hands. His leg under the table stretched out so his foot was touching Jungwon’s leg. There was something comforting about it. “I’m just curious… about what he was like, you know? And why it ended.”

 

Jungwon nodded slowly. He put his fork down on his nearly empty plate and rested completely against the couch. 

 

“He didn’t take care of me like this,” he said. “Being here with you made me realize how unlucky I had been to end up with him. And how lucky I am to have you again.”

 

Although they hadn’t put a label on whatever they were, Jay knew what he meant. They didn’t need a label right now. It was safe, real, and right--and that’s all that really mattered. 

 

He smiled at Jungwon, but stayed silent. He just wanted to listen.

 

“In the beginning, what we had was good,” Jungwon continued after a moment. He looked down at his hands, fiddling with the bracelet he had around his wrist. “We rushed into things because it felt so natural between us. Everything was easy with him. So he moved in with me after only four months of officially dating.”

 

He looked back up at Jay. He looked like he wanted to get up and be next to him. So with a smile on his face, Jungwon patted the space next to him. Jay scooted around the table with a wide smile that matched his.

 

There was a need to always be touching and it made it feel like old times. Nothing had changed. They were still addicted to the skinship. 

 

Jungwon leaned into Jay as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He breathed him in. He could smell the laundry detergent on his shirt. It had a lavender scent. His body relaxed completely into him as he continued talking. This made it easier to talk about it, in the comfort of his arms.

 

“Since we were living together and sharing a bed, we started having sex a lot.”

 

“Gross.”

 

Jungwon snickered and playfully hit him on his chest. “I want to be honest about everything,” he explained. “I knew you’d react like that.”

 

“The thought of it makes me want to gauge my eyes out,” Jay chuckled as well. “But go on. I won’t interrupt again.”

 

“I don’t mind if you do,” Jungwon said softly. 

 

He moved his head comfortably against his chest. Jungwon moved his legs so that they were over his and he was practically on top of him now, but Jay didn’t mind. They were both comfortable despite sitting on the carpet rather than the literal sofa behind them.

 

Jay pressed a kiss to his head. “Go on,” he whispered. He let out a sigh. “You had sex a lot. Blah blah blah.”

 

“Yes. A lot,” laughed Jungwon. “And I admit that it was good. He was a lot more experienced than me and had a high sex drive. Sexually, nothing was lacking. It was nice after all day of dancing and singing and auditions. It was like a stress relief getting into bed with him.”

 

Jay hummed to make it known that he understood. One of his hands rested on Jungwon’s knee now. He watched as he rubbed it gently with his thumb. The loving gesture made him feel warm like someone had lit a candle in his chest.

 

“But outside of the sex, everything else was lacking,” Jungwon said. “I wouldn’t get home until late. He’d already eaten dinner and wouldn’t ask how my day was. He just talked about his own most nights and then we’d usually end up having sex. I would eat by myself after he passed out and then go to sleep. He would always leave the next morning without saying goodbye.”

 

Jungwon furrowed his eyebrows as he remembered all the details. He couldn’t see Jay’s face, but he could feel the way he stiffened a little at his words.

 

“And I would try so hard for him,” Jungwon said after a few moments. “There were days that I would leave the company early so I could go home and cook for us. He’d get home from his job and I’d have it all laid out on the table. I kept the apartment clean for us. I did our laundry. I was playing the part of a housewife basically while also working, attending classes, and training nearly everyday.”

 

“That sounds exhausting.”

 

Jungwon sighed and nodded. “Very. But I didn’t mind doing it for him. I was happy to do things for him,” he said. “He didn’t feel that way though. He didn’t do things for me because he wanted to, but because he felt like he had to. I communicated to him at one point that I wanted him to put more effort into our relationship and he got upset at me.”

 

“Asshole,” mumbled Jay.

 

“The biggest.”

 

“Why did you stay with him?” He asked. He ran his fingers through Jungwon’s hair, careful with the tingles that hadn’t yet been combed out. “I don’t ask this to judge you for staying. I just don’t see the appeal of him right now. Other than him being good at sex.”

 

Jungwon chuckled at that and the way he visibly cringed when saying it. “He supported my dreams from the beginning. That was a big deal to me,” he said softly. “And when he would talk to me, actually talk to me, our conversations were good. We could sit there and talk for hours and he was a good listener.”

 

“So he had good and bad parts.”

 

“But the bad outweighed the good,” Jungwon said. “After a while I just felt like a body to him, just something he could use. And my apartment didn’t even feel like my own anymore. My name was on the lease, but it felt like his name was on everything I had. Nothing felt like mine anymore.”

 

Jungwon let out a shaky breath. He wrapped his arm around Jay’s waist and moved his face into his chest. Jay just continued to hold him close. He pressed yet another kiss to Jungwon’s head. The candle in his chest became a fire.

 

“Even now when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize the person I became because of him,” Jungwon said. Then he shook his head. “I can’t blame it completely on him though. It wasn’t all because of him. There were a lot of reasons. Like my dad passing away and getting booted from the label and…”

 

He sighed against his chest. His fingers gripped tightly onto his shirt, holding on as if Jay would float away if he let go. It mirrored his thoughts and all of the possible ways that his sentence could have ended. He couldn’t quite bring himself to say any of them aloud.

 

Losing you. 

Not having you. 

Leaving you.

 

They sat in silence for a while. They sat until the grip on his shirt loosened and breathing became steady. He was patient with Jungwon.

 

“Jay,” he finally whispered. 

 

Slowly, he tilted his head upwards to look at him. The older man looked down at him with teary eyes. Jungwon hadn’t realized he was crying. He sat up and tenderly wiped the tears from Jay’s cheeks with his fingertips. It may not be painful for him anymore, but it was obviously painful for Jay to hear.

 

“I felt like somebody when you loved me.”

 

Jay’s eyes lit up at his words. It was as if stars were burning in his eyes.

 

Jungwon felt cheesy for thinking that these stars that he kept seeing in Jay’s eyes were the stars that he had collected from him all those years ago. Maybe Jay held that version of Jungwon inside of him when he left for Korea, the version of him that existed before the world broke his heart.

 

He had no idea if these metaphorical thoughts were making any sense even to himself. All Jungwon knew for sure is that when he was back home early that afternoon, he got out of the shower and looked in the mirror and he saw a glimpse of someone familiar.

 

Even his good side looked right.

THEN

 

As soon as Jungwon got his license, he took every opportunity to drive. His parents couldn’t afford to get him his own car. So for the time being he saved money by working part time cleaning at his church and his parents often let him use one of their cars to get around when he needed to. 

 

What he really wanted to drive, however, was Jay’s truck. 

 

It was a big black Chevy Silverado. He didn’t think he’d look nearly as sexy as Jay did driving it. But he wanted behind that wheel even if it was only once.

 

He often asked Jay only for him to refuse. Jay said he’d been the only person to ever drive his truck and he didn’t see that changing. Ever so persistent, however, Jungwon didn’t give up in asking. Jay was just as persistent in his refusal.

 

Until a random Saturday evening.

 

Jungwon had just finished eating dinner with his family when he got the call from Jay. He stopped washing the dishes, quickly wiping his hands on a towel to answer it. His mom, who was drying the dishes and putting them away, gave him a side eye as he blushed and giggled into the phone. Becoming self conscious, he turned his back to her.

 

“I’ll wait for you outside,” he mumbled before hanging up.

 

“Who was that?” His mom asked as he walked back over to the sink to finish washing the plates. “Are you going somewhere?”

 

Jungwon cleared his throat. “Yeah, um, it was Jay. We’re going to that bluff again,” he said, raising his voice to talk over the running water. He said it as casually as possible. He didn’t want there to be any suspicion--although it may have been too late for that. “We’re going to watch the sunset, or whatever.”

 

His mom nodded in approval. She liked Jay and his family. Jay’s mom organized brunches and fundraisers for the church. His dad was a dedicated church leader. And Jay was Jungwon’s best friend. He was polite and responsible. She also liked that Jungwon’s two closest friends were also Korean.

 

“Don’t stay out too late. You lead worship tomorrow, right?” She asked. She put the last plate in the cabinet.

 

Jungwon nodded, drying his hands quickly once again. “Jay never keeps me out late,” he said. He said it with a sense of proudness. His boy was always considerate of him. “He knows how cranky I get when I’m too tired.”

 

His mom trailed behind him into the living room, watching as he pulled on his sneakers. “I’ve never seen you so excited to hang out with someone,” she said fondly. “It’s hard to believe it’s only been a year since you two became close.”

 

Jungwon had to turn away again to hide his blushing face. “Yeah. I feel like I’ve known him forever.” It had actually been nearly a year and a half since they met, he wanted to correct her, but decided that would only raise more suspicion. “I’ll text you when I’m on my way home. Love you.”

 

“I love you too, sweetie,” she called out after him as he walked out the door. “Stay safe!”

 

He gave her a thumbs up before shutting the door behind him. He let out a sigh as he stood on the front steps waiting for Jay to arrive.

 

Hiding from his mom was only slightly tiring. He wanted nothing more than to tell her the truth, that he is gay and dating Jay. There was a part of him that believed that she would be accepting. But there was another part of him that believed she would take his dad’s side. His dad was sure to be disgusted in him when he found out. There was not a single doubt in his mind about that.

 

Interrupting his anxious thoughts, Jay rolled up in front of the house. Unusually, he hopped out of the driver’s seat and began to walk around the truck. His keys were in his hand.

 

“Oh? What are you-”

 

“You’re driving.”

 

If there wasn’t the risk of his mom peeking through the blinds at them, he would have leapt into Jay’s arms and kissed him right there in his front yard. Instead, as any teenage boy would react, he excitedly snagged the keys before Jay could change his mind and ran around to the driver’s side.

 

“I can’t believe you’re letting me do this,” Jungwon said. He inserted the key and turned it. He smiled so wide that his cheeks hurt. His dimples were on full display, much to Jay’s liking. “You love me so much.”

 

Jay laughed at this. He didn’t deny it.

 

He drove them to the bluff with the windows rolled down. The wind blew back their hair and the music Jay chose perfectly suited the mood. Kevin Atwater was their go-to artist for any sort of trip, a tradition that began after their first show choir competition.

 

“But it’s too late now for me to just let go. So I won’t. I’ll just hold tight.”

 

Jungwon smiled softly to himself as Jay sang along from the passenger seat. When he glanced over, Jay looked absolutely stunning. The start of an orangey sunrise made his skin glow. He had his arm out the window, enjoying the fresh air. 

 

The evening only got more perfect from there. 

 

When they pulled up to the bluff, they were pleased to see that they were the only two there. Alone time was needed.

 

They walked around to the bed of the truck once they parked. It’s where they usually sat together to enjoy the view. To Jungwon’s surprise, when Jay put the end down he was greeted with the sight of something from his dreams--or a Pinterest mood board.

 

There was a wide air mattress with layers of blankets and pillows on top of it. He recognized most of it from Jay’s bed which only made it better. 

 

He gaped at the sight of it. “Holy shit,” he whispered. He turned to look at Jay, gently taking his hand into his. “You’re really spoiling me tonight. Why?”

 

“Because you deserve it,” he said simply. 

 

Jungwon could have burst into tears.

 

There was no one like Jay in their little town. Everyone knew it, but not like Jungwon knew it. Only nearly eighteen years old and Jay was the most romantic person that he had ever met. He was truly a treasure.

 

As soon as they were on the air mattress together, Jungwon pulled him in. He clumsily crashed his lips into Jay’s. His hands, however, were gentle and cradled his face between his hands. He was holding him like he was actually a rare treasure that he was far too scared to break.

 

Jay’s hands were just as gentle, but strong and knew exactly what they wanted. When Jungwon felt them on his thighs before spreading his legs apart and moving his body between them, he couldn’t help the way his body reacted.

 

It was hard to believe that the same boy who expertly prayed with Jungwon before he took his finals was now touching him like this . Touching him anywhere and everywhere with his hands. Kissing him on his face and neck and arms. 

 

Jungwon was floating and he never wanted to return to earth. He spilled his emotions into his hands. Jay kissed him down. And he felt vulnerable yet so loved and so safe. 

 

“I want to go all the way with you one day,” Jungwon whispered. “Would you want that too? With me?”

 

It was dead quiet by the bluff other than the distant chirping of crickets. They laid next to each other, Jay on his back and Jungwon facing towards him on his side. He played with Jay’s fingers. He bent them back slightly, folded them down, slid his in between--he loved his hands even when they weren’t on him.

 

“Would I?” Jay asked sweetly. He smiled at the sky which was now full of stars. “I do. When we’re ready we’ll know.”

 

“Do you think I’m too young?” Jungwon teased. 

 

Jay glanced over and rolled his eyes ever so slightly, but there was a fond smile on his face that contradicted it. “Too young my ass,” he mumbled. “If anything you took my innocence.”

 

He moved onto his side to face the younger boy as he giggled in response. He reached over and smoothed his thumb over his dimpled cheek. It made Jungwon stop in his tracks. They comfortably gazed into each other’s eyes. He could stay here all night.

 

“I’m going to say something that is definitely going to sound corny,” Jay whispered. “Don’t judge me for it.”

 

“I probably will judge you since you said that,” he teased him.

 

Jay smiled softly at him. He was quiet for so long after that Jungwon was beginning to wonder if he forgot what he was going to say or if he changed his mind about saying it.

 

“Your eyes look like they capture the stars.”

 

His cheeks turned crimson and he wondered if Jay noticed. He pressed his lips together in an attempt to hold back a ridiculous smile. Nobody had ever said such a thing to him. He was absolutely right about it being corny but regardless his heart beat faster. 

 

It was Jungwon’s turn to lay on his back, looking up at the stars to avoid eye contact. “Is that so?” He whispered. “Do you know what your name means in Korean? Jongseong?”

 

Out of the corner of his eye he watched as Jay moved closer to him. He rested his head on his shoulder and Jungwon couldn’t hold back his smile a moment longer. Jay slid his arm around his waist. There was nothing cozier than having him snuggled up to him like this.

 

“Tell me,” whispered Jay in return.

 

Jungwon didn’t know if this meant that he didn’t know or if he knew and wanted to hear him say it.

 

“Collecting stars.”

 

He let go of Jay’s hand which he still held even as they were being squished between their bodies. Jay sat up slightly so that he could move his arm. He wrapped it around Jay’s shoulders. It was rare that he held him and not the other way around.

 

“So maybe,” Jungwon continued, “I capture the stars for you to collect.”

 

There was a beat of silence. 

 

“That makes no sense.”

 

Jungwon hit his arm playfully. “It makes sense,” he huffed at him. “You said something cheesy first so it was my turn.”

 

Jay kissed the pout off his face. “It doesn’t make sense, but I like it.”

 

He hovered over him and Jungwon wanted to lean up and kiss him and never stop. He was frozen though except for his fingertips that were trailing along his bicep. 

 

“Round two?”

 

Jungwon’s once gentle hands now playfully swatted his arm again. “What is up with you tonight?” He giggled. “I think you really did all of this to hook up with me. Is that it? Letting me drive your truck, this Pinterest date situation-”

 

He was cut off by Jay’s lips. He almost hit his arm again, but the older boy really had a way of completely distracting him. His eyes were distracting. His lips. His hands. 

 

“It’s because I love you,” Jay mumbled against his lips. “I can’t get enough of you.”

 

He was a little late getting home that night. When his mom suspiciously eyed him as he walked to his room with his messy hair and wrinkled shirt, he didn’t care one bit. He had the best night capturing stars for him, Jay kissing every mole and dimple and curve of his body as if he was collecting them.

 

It made no sense, but he liked it. Every bit of it.

NOW

 

Jay kept his promises. Looking back, that was something Jungwon could brag about when it came to the loyalty of his boy. If he said he was going to do something, chances are that he would.

 

And it didn’t change.

 

He told Jungwon to request off work for a weekend--any weekend. So Jungwon, ever so obedient and trusting, did just that. After sending him the dates of the weekend he picked to request off, Jay told him that they were going on a trip.

 

Jungwon had no idea what to expect, but it felt like a dream come true.

 

As teenagers, they would always hop in Jay’s truck and drive anywhere. They’d end up at their bluff or at a random diner or pulled over at the side of a dark backroad to talk and kiss and whatever else. They never drove too far, but would dream of traveling together one day. Jungwon would go anywhere with him.

 

When he saw the address Jay put into the GPS of his truck as they sat in the driveway of his house, however, his heart felt like it was suddenly doing jumping jacks in his chest.

 

“Chicago?” He whispered-yelled. “Are you for real?”

 

Jay looked at him with a knowing smile. “I told you we’d go one day.”

 

Jungwon leaned over quickly, pressing his lips against his. He smiled into the kiss. His hand held the side of Jay’s face and he began to smile too.

 

It was only the third kiss they had shared in the past four months. Four months since Jungwon came back to America. To Illinois. To Jay. Much like when they were teenagers, they never felt that there was any sort of rush to move things along quickly. They felt like they had all the time in the world. And maybe they did.

 

Smiles were still on their faces as they pulled away. Jay stared at him for a moment longer before turning towards the wheel. He put the truck in reverse and then they were off.

 

It wasn’t a long ride. They were closer to Chicago than they had been when they were teenagers. Almost the entirety of the trip, Jay talked Jungwon’s ear off. He loved every moment of it. He was a walking encyclopedia, full of random facts and stories. It was always interesting and always endearing.

 

“I’m most looking forward to riding the metro,” Jungwon said once Jay finally decided to breathe. “And we need to go to Chinatown. There’s a K-Pop store there.”

 

“My wallet is ready.”

 

Jungwon laughed. “I can already hear my bank account crying.”

 

Jay laughed as well. He reached over and took his hand. Affectionately, he stroked his thumb across his fingers. Jungwon stared at their hands as Jay’s thumb moved gently against his skin. It was powerful how such simple acts of intimacy somehow compel him to pour his heart out.

 

“When my dream of becoming an idol started in high school, I imagined my face in that shop,” he said with a little chuckle. “I imagined visiting it again one day and seeing myself on the little sticker packs or on a pillow. Or whatever.”

 

He looked up at Jay who was smiling softly at him. There was a sadness in his eyes that mirrored his own.

 

“It’s never too late to try again,” said Jay. “You’re still young.”

 

“That’s what my friend told me,” he said. “He told me to come back in a year and start over… again.” He chuckled softly. “He even said I could move in with him and his boyfriend. I don’t think he went to his boyfriend with that idea though.”

 

Jay chuckled. “Sunoo, right? The one who sends you beauty products in the mail?”

 

“Mhm. That’s the one.”

 

Jungwon smiled fondly at the mention of him. He missed him more than anyone he left behind in Korea. He wasn’t a trainee like most of the friends he made. He managed a cafe. His boyfriend was a preschool teacher and ice skating instructor which was amusing considering that Sunoo was the most awkward person around children--despite all children gravitating towards the bubbly man. On the side he also made YouTube videos that were moderately successful. He had a face and personality that belonged onscreen.

 

“You’ll have to meet him one day,” continued Jungwon after a moment. “That will be our next vacation.”

 

“I’m in.”

 

It had always been clear to Jungwon that Jay was made to live in the city. It’s where he thrived. Watching him lead the way down the streets as if he knew them like the back of his hand was far more attractive than it should have been.

 

And he held his hand the whole time.

 

This was new for them. They were always okay with hiding. They were content with keeping their relationship a secret when they were younger. However, he did occasionally imagine how great it would feel to show him off and love him freely without any fear of being discovered.

 

Now, years later, he is living his high school fantasy. He is proud to call Jay his and have everyone that passes them know he is his. Jay with his fashionable street wear. His joggers and a baggy hoodie and a dainty rolo chain around his neck. His toned arms that Jungwon ends up hanging onto as they walk through Millennium Park. Jay with his prince charming smile that he kisses every opportunity.

 

They kissed more in one day than they had in the past few months.

 

“We should take a photo together too,” Jay said after taking a few photos of Jungwon in front of ‘the bean.’

 

He moved so that he stood next to him. Jungwon felt shy at first as Jay held the phone out in front of them for a selfie, his other arm around his waist. Seeing them on camera together felt surreal. They were in the same frame after three years. It felt like fate that they were here together. But it also didn’t. They chose to meet again. They were painting their own destiny in a way.

 

Jungwon quickly moved to kiss his cheek right as he was about to take the photo.

 

As much as Jungwon wanted to go to Chinatown, they decided to save it for the next day. They were both tired of walking and beyond hungry so they took the metro back to where they had parked Jay’s truck. It was as Jay was checking the time on his phone while they were walking through the parking lot that Jungwon noticed that he had changed his lockscreen to the photo of them together. Jungwon kissed him again for it.

 

Jay drove them to a hotel not far from there where he had made a reservation. Their room was on the second to top floor and it was a corner room. The windows that were on two of their four walls were wide and overlooked the busy city below. Jungwon took photos excitedly to send to Sunoo and Jake and his mom who he hadn’t even told about this trip. Despite her confusion, she reacted to the photo with a heart-eyes emoji which made Jungwon smile.

 

Once he had completely taken in the view, he turned back around to observe the room. He felt Jay’s fond eyes on him. His cheeks burned.

 

“There’s only one bed,” Jungwon noted. He nodded at the Queen sized bed in the middle of the room. It looked almost as comfy as Jay’s.

 

Jay smiled knowingly. “Why wouldn’t there be?”

 

It’s in that bed where they sat and ate room service pizza and sipped strawberry wine. They were careful not to spill it on the gray bedding. They turned on reruns of Judge Judy on the television and made fun of the stupid people until they got bored and turned it off.

 

Jay poured them both another glass of wine before they turned off all the lights and sat on the floor next to the windows. They watched as the traffic died down and businesses closed for the evening. They leaned into each other, fingers intertwined in Jay’s lap. 

 

The alcohol was getting to Jungwon by the third full glass. Jay giggled at him--actually giggled and it was the most adorable thing--as Jungwon kissed his neck and called him pretty.

 

“I forgot you were a lightweight,” teased Jay. He tilted his head slightly as Jungwon kissed under his jaw. He let out a shaky breath. “As much as I’m enjoying this, I think you should stop… Before we get ahead of ourselves.”

 

“I’m not drunk,” the younger man mumbled against his ear. “I want you.”

 

A shiver went down Jay’s spine. “Not tonight, Jungwonnie,” he whispered. He turned his head to face him. “I want you too. When you’re sober.”

 

Jungwon bit his bottom lip that soon jutted out in a pout. He leaned into Jay’s touch as he moved his hair from his eyes, his fingertips gently trailing across his forehead.

 

“Then…” Jungwon stared into his eyes. He lost his train of thought for a moment. “Then I want to hold you.”

 

If love were ever to be doubted, it could have been proven by the look in Jay’s eyes.

 

They both stripped down to their t-shirts and underwear. They failed to brush the wine from their teeth and wash the city from their bodies before climbing into bed. Neither of them minded. 

 

Jungwon gathered him in his arms. Jay threw one of his legs over his and rested his head against his chest. He hummed in content. There were no words they could have spoken that would have made this moment more special. So instead they lay in silence. The curtains stayed open, something comforting about the city outside and having nothing to hide.

 

Minutes later, Jay was snoring softly. Almost immediately there were tears in Jungwon’s eyes. Happy ones.

 

Jay didn’t have to worry about missing a thing. He knew Jungwon would still be here in the middle of the night, hogging the blankets and an arm’s length away from him. He knew he would still be here when the sun would blind them through the windows. He knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

THEN

 

Over and over again. That’s how often Jungwon fell in love with his best friend.

 

It clicked in his head the first time when he was fifteen laying on the carpeted floor of Jay’s bedroom. He wore his jacket and it smelled like him and the older boy glanced at his lips. His hand was warm and his voice was that of an angel.

 

He fell in love all over again when Jay had kissed him for the first time in a noisy arcade. And again in the parking lot of that same arcade a year later. And many moments in between.

 

It was the core memory moments like those and it was also the slightly mundane moments. It was the night when Jungwon called him in tears stressing over his finals and Jay whispered a prayer over the phone. It was after the final bell on a normal Tuesday afternoon that he opened his locker only for a note to fall out and onto the floor.

 

You were the prettiest person in the cafeteria, it read.

 

Jungwon tucked it into his backpack with a dimpled smile on his face. 

 

He remembered that note months later on the night of Jay’s graduation party. Everyone had left and gone home. Jay’s parents were in bed. And there they were, snuggled up in the backyard hammock. An empty bottle of strawberry wine that Jay had snuck from the kitchen lay on the grass. It blended right in with the rest of the trash in the backyard. He promised his parents that he’d help clean everything up in the morning.

 

“You were the prettiest person to walk the stage,” Jungwon whispered. He had a lazy, tipsy smile on his face as he stared into his eyes. “I fell in love.”

 

Jay chuckled. “Oh really?” He leaned forward to press his lips against his. He tasted sweet. So he kissed him again. “I fell in love too.”

 

“When?” Jungwon asked, eyes lighting up in curiosity. 

 

“Just now.”

 

Jungwon rolled his eyes. “Cheesy answer. I expected better from you.”

 

There was a sincerity in Jay’s eyes, however, that he took notice of even in his half-drunken state. He kissed Jungwon again. He breathed him in and held him closer. As they pulled away he gazed at him with a look that nobody could doubt--especially not Jungwon.

 

“You know I wouldn’t lie. Not to you.”

NOW

 

The day had only just begun. They woke up just as Jungwon had expected them to. The sun was in their eyes. Jay had a sliver of the blanket, but didn’t complain even once. They pulled themselves out of bed after an hour of laying there and talking. Neither of them cared to check the time. They had all day to do whatever they pleased.

 

As Jungwon showered, Jay ordered them breakfast. He trusted him to choose the food for them. They enjoyed a lot of the same things. 

 

When Jay was taking his turn showering, Jungwon stared out the window and thought about the night before. He remembered every moment. He remembered how much he ached for him, how much he wanted to touch him anywhere that Jay would allow him to. He wondered what would happen if he invited himself into the bathroom now. Would Jay want him still?

 

He shook the thought away when he heard the water turn off. Shortly after, there was a knock on their door. Jungwon rushed over to accept their food from the hotel staff. He walked the tray over to the small table next to the television. He began to set everything out neatly. There was fruit and bagels and cream cheese as well as a cup of hot coffee, french vanilla creamer, and two water bottles. He mixed some creamer into his coffee before taking a tiny sip.

 

He let out a little sigh. “He knows me so well,” he whispered to himself.

 

“I know.”

 

Jungwon jumped but then instantly smiled over his shoulder at him. He hadn’t heard the bathroom door open. But now there he stood in a pair of sweatpants that hung low on his hips and a loose shirt that exposed his pretty collarbones.

 

He couldn’t want him any more than he did right now.

 

Jay stepped closer to him. He wrapped his arms around him from behind, resting his head on Jungwon’s shoulder. There was a complete change in the atmosphere. He knew he could feel it too.

 

He moved his nose against the side of Jungwon’s neck. He breathed him in. He held him closer.

 

“I want you,” Jay whispered against his ear the same way Jungwon had the night before.

 

He didn’t doubt him. Not even for a moment.

 

“Have me.”

THEN

 

Sex with Jay was magic.

 

The first couple of times were awkward. They giggled into each other’s necks in embarrassment. They cracked jokes when it got too serious. There was no concern about being sexy or making it perfect. All they wanted was to have fun and please each other. All they wanted was to have a special moment together.

 

They were both inexperienced and uninformed before their first time. Jay took it into his own hands to research online. Jungwon teased him saying that he was treating it like a school project, but he knew his intentions came from a place of care. He didn’t want to hurt Jungwon or for their first time to be unenjoyable. 

 

Jungwon felt lucky that it was him. He felt lucky that he was loved by him and for two whole years now. He felt lucky that Jay didn’t leave him behind, that he stayed in their little town and studied at a university only a half an hour away from home. He felt lucky knowing that even if he had left their little town, or even Illinois, that he would have still loved him from afar. Jay wouldn’t have loved him any less. That was impossible. 

 

When Jay loves, he loves with all he has. He has love like an ocean.

 

“Jongseong,” Jungwon whimpered. His hands were shaking slightly as they traveled up Jay’s long back. They threaded into his hair. “Would you want this with anyone else?”

 

Jay moved his face in front of Jungwon’s. His eyes had a sadness in them that Jungwon had never seen before. A feeling of guilt overwhelmed Jungwon, a heaviness in his chest. He immediately wished he hadn’t asked such a question.

 

“Why would you say that?” He whispered. He brought a hand up to Jungwon’s face and gently stroked his cheek with his thumb. “You know the answer to that.”

 

A whine fell from Jungwon’s mouth when Jay stopped moving. He didn’t mean for the noise to come out. When Jay made him feel like this, he was on cloud nine. Nothing else in the world mattered in these precious moments.

 

Jungwon searched for his lips with his own. “I don’t want you to touch anyone like this,” he breathed against his lips. “Only me.”

 

A new emotion replaced the sadness in Jay’s eyes. “Only you,” he said with an immense sincerity. He pressed his lips to Jungwon’s again as their bodies fell back into a beautiful rhythm. 

 

Jay’s house on Saturday mornings became a safe place. In an empty house while his parents were out for brunch with the church prayer team, they met each other here. 

 

They could be intimate in his bedroom. They could steal kisses as they made pancakes in the kitchen and hold each other on the couch as they watched a movie. Jay would usually pick a romance film and by the end of it he would whisper his plans of buying a house for them and he’d excitedly explain all of his ridiculous ideas for the interior design. He would always mention adopting a dog as well, specifically from a rescue shelter. 

 

And Jungwon would attentively watch him talk about every little detail. He could listen to him talk for hours. Some things never change.

 

Jay pressed his lips against his neck as he rocked harder. “Only you,” he whispered into his skin.

 

He always believed Jay. He believed him when he whispered compliments at church about his outfit. He believed him when they would argue and Jay would yell that he wanted to be alone. So, he would leave him alone until he was ready to talk. He believed his plans about their future. He knew he actually would do everything in his power to make them a reality. He believed Jay because every word that left Jay’s lips mattered and he didn’t lie--not to Jungwon.

 

Those two words were a promise and Jungwon believed them.

NOW

 

Only you. Only you. Only you.

 

The words echoed through his head. It’s all he heard as Jay pulled his shirt off and began peppering kisses down his torso. He heard it again as he spread his legs apart and again as his teeth grazed his thighs.

 

“Jongseong,” he gasped. He reached down and ran his fingers through his hair. He tugged at it. “Kiss me. I need you.”

 

Only you.

 

He watched as the man crawled up to meet his lips. He looked into his eyes as they kissed. His fingers held onto him desperately, his nails digging into Jay’s tan shoulders. His legs wrapped around him, pulling him in until their unclothed bodies were pressed together.

 

Jay kissed him like it was the last time he was going to.

 

“God, you’re amazing.”

 

Only you.

 

“Why are you praying right now?”

 

Jay laughed against his lips and it was the most gorgeous sound in the world. “You take me to church.”

 

“Okay, Hozier. ”

 

He deserved the pinch on his side for that one. But only before Jay kissed him again and again, anywhere and everywhere as if he was worshiping every inch of his body. His mouth praised him as Jungwon eventually began to work his own fingers into himself. Jay told him that he was doing so well. He told him to take his time, that there was no rush.

 

“Did you really wait for me?” Jungwon breathed out suddenly. “Was there really no one else?”

 

It took a moment for Jay to process his words but once he did, he gently held his face in his hand before leaning in to kiss him next to his mouth. “I only ever wanted you. I only ever wanted your body. Your love. All of you.” He kissed Jungwon’s parted lips as they let out a soft moan. “No one could come close to you.”

 

Only you. Only you. Only you.

 

They took their time as Jay said they should. 

 

Jungwon stilled his fingers at one point and began to say that he felt guilty for doing this in a hotel bed. He knew, however, that they weren’t the first and surely wouldn’t be the last. It made Jay laugh once again. It felt like a success any time he could pull a laugh out of him.

 

He would make him laugh and then bring him back into the moment.

 

Slowly Jungwon sat up. Jay sat up as well and watched as he began to reposition the pillows against the head of the bed. He was intentional, knowing exactly what he wanted. He gently pushed Jay against them. His eyes were wide as he watched Jungwon straddle him and wrap his arms around him. 

 

He kissed him eagerly. “I wish I had stayed,” he whispered. He pulled away to look into his eyes. One of his hands played with the hair at the nape of Jay’s neck. “I wish I could say that it was only you, that I didn’t date him and I didn’t hook up with a few random guys after the breakup.”

 

Jay shook his head. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jungwon kissed him hard before he could.

 

“Let me finish,” he mumbled against his lips. He nudged his nose against his. He watched as Jay opened his eyes and peered back into his. “I can’t take back the past, but you should know…” One of his hands began to slide down his chest. “I always wished it was you, Jongseong.”

 

He let out a surprised gasp as Jungwon’s hand wrapped around him.

 

“Only you,” Jungwon said against his ear as he reached for the lube and condom that Jay had conveniently packed in his suitcase. 

 

He gripped Jay’s shoulders as he soon sunk down onto him. His eyes squeezed shut as Jay pressed kisses to his arms and shoulders and neck. Sweetly he consoled him as he made sounds of discomfort. He told him once again to take his time as his hands smoothed over his back and thighs.

 

Those same hands were gripping onto his hips minutes later as Jungwon began slowly adjusting to the feeling, moving little by little. His lips found his again as the pain blurred into pleasure. They whispered to each other. Their sentences became more broken the faster that he began to move, interrupted by sounds of absolute euphoria.

 

Jungwon finished on top of him, a mess between their bodies. He didn’t move off of him, however, once he did. He slouched against him, pressing lazy kisses against the crook of Jay’s neck.

 

“Finish inside of me,” he whispered. “I want you to use me. I trust you.”

 

Jay gasped slightly. He didn’t know what to say. It was as if the younger man stole the words from his mouth. He watched as Jungwon got off of him, the drag of him around his length making him moan softly. He let Jungwon guide him along as he laid on his back and spread his legs. Jay hovered over him, pupils blown wide.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Jay whispered to him.

 

Jungwon shook his head quickly. “You won’t,” he said. He reached up and pulled him closer to him, eager for more. Eager for him. “I want to make you feel good, baby.”

 

The pet name alone was enough to have him convinced.

 

Within moments, his leg was thrown over Jay’s shoulder and his other was wrapped tightly around his waist. The oversensitivity was almost too much to bear as he was slamming against his prostate.

 

“Oh, god,” Jungwon whimpered. His arms held tightly onto Jay.

 

“Now who’s praying?”

 

A mixture of a laugh and a moan tumbled from his lips.

 

“Finish for me, baby,” Jungwon whined into his ear. He began to ramble, mind overtaken by the overwhelming pleasure. “You’re the best I’ve ever had. I missed this. Missed you.”

 

Jay moaned as he came inside of him. Their lips found their way to each other again as he slowly rocked inside him.

 

“You feel so good,” Jay said as he stopped moving. He pressed soft kisses against his face. “I’m obsessed with you.”

 

The words had him smiling like an absolute blissed-out idiot. He only slightly hissed at the soreness as Jay carefully pulled out of him.

 

They were a tangled mess on the bed once Jay collapsed half onto him. Jungwon pulled his head onto his shoulder before Jay was hugging him around his waist and pressing his lips against his chest. Neither of them had even an ounce of energy to move. They needed to clean themselves and the bed. 

 

But Jungwon didn’t want the moment to be over. He melted as Jay kissed him still. He benevolently traced his fingers up and down Jay’s arm. His bones felt like jelly and his body was experiencing the aching aftermath already.

 

Most of all, he was with Jay. Even now it feels like a dream. Even now he can hardly believe he got this lucky to have him-- again.

 

Over and over again.

THEN

 

Jay kept promises. 

 

Jungwon kept secrets.

 

When it was one secret, he was okay. It was a small weight on his shoulders. He could handle carrying it. But one secret became several. One weight after another was added until he felt like he was sinking into the ground. It almost became too much.

 

He couldn’t tell a soul that he was attracted to boys and that was a secret he carried with him since he was a child.

 

When his mom asked him if he had any crushes, he lied and told her that he thought a girl in science class was cute. That girl was actually Jake. He stared at him everyday until he had the nerve to finally talk to him. It was after getting to know him that he discovered that Jake was actually painfully straight and not at all his type. He never told him that--or anyone for that matter.

 

Then there was Jay. Loving Jay was easy. Lying to everyone in his life was not.

 

He could never tell his mom the truth about his relationship with Jay. He lied to Jake continuously. None of their other mutual friends from show choir knew. Their love was between them and them only.

 

It was what they had to do and he was okay with that, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t painful at times.

 

There was not a single person in his life that he felt he was completely honest with. 

 

Including Jay.

 

“Are you mad at me?” Jungwon whispered to the older boy.

 

It was memorial weekend. Jungwon had finished his junior year of high school that week and Jay had finished his first year of university the week before that. Jungwon was an honors student. Jay was on the dean’s list.

 

It called for a celebration--Jay and Jungwon style. They had managed to get a bottle of strawberry wine thanks to one of Jay’s older college friends and they were making the drive south to stay at a cabin that his parents owned.

 

Rich people things.

 

They were sitting in the front of Jay’s truck, on the highway again like they had been for quite a few hours. Everything was normal when the drive first began. Jay was a chatterbox as usual, telling him all the plans he had for their stay at the cabin. He had never visited it since his parents bought it a summer prior, but they told him all about it. There was a lake not far from it and hiking trails. It was on a lot of land as well. He explained it all with bright eyes and a twinkling smile.

 

The bright eyes and twinkling smile were later gone, however, while stopped at a gas station. Jungwon went inside to use the restroom and buy them snacks while Jay stayed to put more fuel in his truck. By the time he came back, Jay was sitting in the driver’s seat with his lips in a pout and avoiding all eye contact. He asked if something was wrong, but he only shook his head and said they needed to keep driving before it got dark.

 

They left the gas station twenty minutes ago. Not a word was spoken between them. The atmosphere was thick with tension and a hyperpop song played on the radio. Jay aggressively pushed the button to turn it off.

 

Jungwon watched him in concern before trying again. “I know something is wrong. You’re not good at hiding your emotions,” he said gently. He reached over to take his hand into his. He moved his thumb against his knuckles. “Talk to me. Please.”

 

“You haven’t been talking to me though,” Jay mumbled. He didn’t move his hand from his, but he looked like he wanted to. “I don’t like secrets.”

 

He furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?” He tilted his head at him. He wanted Jay to look at him, really look at him. All he was getting was a side eye. “I don’t-”

 

“I saw something on your phone while you were inside the gas station,” he interrupted. “I can’t read Korean well, but well enough that I understood what the email was about.”

 

Before he could reach for his phone which he had left in one of the cup holders, Jay continued. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me about it, Jungwon?” He asked. His eyes were full of hurt now. “You know I’ll always support you.”

 

It took only a moment more for Jungwon to realize what he had seen. 

 

It was another email from the company, the Korean music label he had been communicating with. Over the span of two months, he had sent audition videos and done Zoom interviews. They liked him and all his midwest charm and his ‘refreshing’ vocals.

 

“I was going to,” he said after quickly gathering his thoughts. He stared at their hands. Jay was stroking his fingers now instead. “I was going to soon . I was nervous.”

 

Jay frowned slightly. “Why? You know you can trust me with anything,” he said sweetly. “It wasn’t a complete shock when I saw it. You have a passion for performing. It makes sense that you’d want to make a career out of it.”

 

Jungwon’s stomach began to hurt. He bit his lip and turned his head to peer out the window. Jay gave his hand a tiny squeeze.

 

“I’m nervous to pursue a dream like that. It feels so big and unobtainable, but it won’t leave my head,” he whispered. He had tears in his eyes. “I know my parents won’t approve. But it’s not like I won’t go to college. I already looked at universities there. I have back up plans.”

 

He let his tears fall. He wiped them away quickly with his free hand though before they could reach his chin.

 

“I don’t think anything is too big for you,” Jay said.

 

It made Jungwon cry harder.

 

“But I’m also scared of leaving you,” he whimpered. He sniffled and wiped his face again. “I would have to live in Korea and that’s so far away from you. I can’t imagine not being with you. And you have all these plans for us and I love it all. I want it all, but it wouldn’t be possible if I moved to another country. And I’ve been stressing over everything, but they haven’t even officially accepted me in. And if they don’t, do I apply to another? Do I move on?”

 

He took a deep shaky breath once he got it all out. Jay was completely silent. Jungwon could see the gears turning in his head as he turned back to look at him. The older one offered him a small smile. It was comforting and made his chest feel warm.

 

“First of all,” Jay began carefully after another moment, “I don’t expect you to plan your life around me.”

 

“ You did.”

 

Jay smiled at this, a barely noticeable blush on his cheeks. “Not entirely. I could have gone anywhere for a business degree. I chose the college closest to home.”

 

“So you could still see me everyday. That’s what you said,” Jungwon slightly teased him. He looked back out the window so he wouldn’t see his smirk. 

 

“You’re right,” chuckled Jay. “But my dream is a lot different than yours. I like business. You like performing. They require different sacrifices and if one of those sacrifices happens to be moving across the globe… I would want you to.”

 

Jungwon looked back at him with pouting lips. “Wouldn’t you miss me?”

 

He looked over at him with a fond smile. “Like crazy,” he said in a cute voice that he used for him only. “But we would figure it out. That’s what you do in a relationship. It was never meant to be easy.”

 

He intertwined their fingers before bringing Jungwon’s hand up to his lips. He kissed his fingers before settling them on his thigh.

 

Jungwon stared at his side profile in admiration. Watching him grow into the person he is now has been one of his favorite parts about dating Jay. He has always known exactly what to say though. That has never changed.

 

“This is why you should come to me about these things. Even when it’s scary and you’re nervous about what I’ll say, I want to be there for you,” Jay continued. “I don’t want you to suffer on your own. I want to be there as you figure everything out. I want to help. If I can.”

 

He couldn’t restrain himself for even a second. Jungwon leaned across the console and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. In return he got a giant smile directed at him and eyes so full of love that he could have started crying again on the spot.

 

“Now tell me about this label,” Jay said once Jungwon settled back into his seat. “Is it a big one? Do I know it?”

 

Being able to finally talk about it was a relief. He let it all out. He expressed his excitement, his worries, and his goals. Jay attentively listened to every word, nodding along and asking questions. He was genuinely invested in his dream.

 

After a while, they settled into a comfortable silence. They were only ten minutes from the cabin and the sky was pink. Jungwon was relieved, but his mind was still racing with thoughts. So he let them out too.

 

“Do you ever wonder what would happen if we came out now?” He asked softly. “If we just told our friends that we’re together? Like… we could probably tell Jake. He already thinks we’re disgustingly affectionate with each other.”

 

Jay snickered. “I think we’d have his support,” he said softly. He glanced over at him. “And Taylor.”

 

“She’s literally got a bi pin on her purse and watched Semantic Error three times,” laughed Jungwon. Taylor was in show choir with them. She graduated with Jay and still met with them for lunch occasionally. “She’d give us a ship name and throw us a party.”

 

“ Jaywon .”

 

“Oh, lord.”

 

They burst into a fit of giggles. 

 

They discussed it more and by the time they got to the cabin they decided it would be a good idea. It would be another secret, another weight, off Jungwon’s shoulders. He already felt lighter at the thought of it.

NOW

 

The weekend trip to Chicago caused a shift in their relationship. There was a trust that had been built between them and lines that they allowed each other to cross. All the walls had come down. They kissed comfortably now, held hands in public, and even started using the ‘b’ word. 

 

Jungwon used it every chance he could.

 

“I can’t. I’ll be at my boyfriend’s house for dinner.”

“My boyfriend likes that song.”

“My boyfriend is off work tomorrow.”

 

The word wasn’t in their vocabulary much as teenagers. But what was stopping them now? It earned him occasional judgemental looks--even some from Jake for being so obnoxious about it. He was far too happy to let it bother him though. There would be many people who would disapprove, but even more who accepted their love.

 

He wasn’t completely positive where his mom stood on that scale, but he had a good guess.

 

When she first found out about his sexuality, she never explicitly told him, but rather showed through her actions she was still there for him. While his father distanced himself, she left sticky notes on his door with little messages to him almost everyday before she left for work. When he moved to Korea, she texted him every morning and every night and never forgot to say ‘I love you.’ She never abandoned him.

 

He never wanted to abandon her. It was only right as her beloved only son.

 

She messaged one morning in the group chat with him and his sister asking if they were available to visit the cemetery that afternoon. On top of already having plans to video chat a few friends from Korea, he truthfully had no desire to go there. However, after his sister said she had work, he felt too guilty. He couldn’t tell his mom no. Not today.

 

He messaged his friends that he needed to reschedule as he got in his car. Then he began the drive towards his hometown. He had to look up the address for the cemetery, unsure of where it even was.

 

When he arrived, he spotted his mom immediately. She was sitting inside her maroon SUV. He could see through the window that she had her hair and makeup done and was wearing one of her nice shirts he had actually gifted her last Christmas. He smiled wide and she returned it, identical dimples on her face.

 

There was nothing quite like his mom’s hug. She held him close like she had since he was a boy and pulled him down to press a kiss to his forehead. 

 

“You look beautiful, eomma,” he whispered. He took one of her hands gently into his. “I’ve missed you.”

 

“I’ve missed you more, sweetie,” she whispered in response before beginning to lead him through the grass and between the grave stones. She was silent for a few moments, careful with choosing her words. “It’s been two years ago today.”

 

The gravestone was clean. His mom took good care of it. There was a small angel statue sitting next to it as well as a few painted stones that had been left by his sister.

 

“Wow,” he whispered. He frowned down at the stone as his eyes scanned over his dad’s name and the dates. “Time has gone by fast.”

 

She hummed in agreement. Slowly she sat down in the grass. He joined her, still holding her hand. He knew it was probably comforting to her just as it had always been for him.

 

They sat in silence together, but while her eyes stayed trained on her late husband’s grave, his eyes wandered to other graves and then the trees nearby that he suddenly found interesting.

 

“I hope you know that he loved you,” she choked out.

 

Jungwon turned his head quickly to look at his mother. She had tears filling her big eyes. They spilled down her cheeks with a single blink.

 

“I know he didn’t show it the way he should have in the last few years,” she continued, “but he loved you. You were his only boy. He was just… struggling.”

 

“Parents shouldn’t struggle to love their kids,” Jungwon retorted without a second thought. He immediately felt guilty when he saw his mom flinch. He looked back at the gravestone slowly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

She sandwiched his hand between both of hers and rubbed the back of it comfortingly. “Sweetheart, he didn’t struggle with loving you. But he did struggle with accepting you.”

 

Jungwon took a deep breath before speaking. “How could he love me without accepting me?” He looked at his mom with sad eyes. “I never understood when people said that. It’s like he only chose to love the parts of me that he wanted to love.”

 

“I don’t see it that way,” his mom replied. She offered him a smile, one that was comforting and soft and so mom of her. “We had a lot of disagreements. Your appa was stubborn. But I loved him. Even though we disagreed on a lot of things, I didn’t love him any less because of it.”

 

“I understand, but I also don’t,” he whispered. He focused his eyes back on the stone. “I’ve started going to church again.” He sighed softly. He peered over at his mom for a moment. Her mouth hung slightly open, surprised by his confession. “I realized that God loves me and accepts me. He always did. So why couldn’t my own dad?”

 

There was no easy answer to this question. There was no good answer or correct answer. So it hung in the air.

 

“I’m glad to hear you’re going to church again,” she said eventually.

 

“I go with Jay.”

 

At the mention of his name, he could feel her eyes on him. The gaze felt like the same one he would get when he was a teenager.

 

“Jay, hm?” She let go of his hand to reach into her back pocket and pull out a tissue. She began wiping her tear stained cheeks. “I haven’t seen him since the funeral.”

 

The funeral. His father’s funeral. He remembers the day well. He had a flight booked for America a couple days prior. He purposely missed it. He lied and told his mom that he had come down with the flu. 

 

When Jungwon didn’t show up, Jay messaged him saying that he had only attended the funeral to be there for him, but that his mom actually did need another shoulder to cry on. He promised to take care of her and that if he needed anything that he was there for him as well--even if he was across the globe.

 

Jungwon left him on read and sobbed into his pillow.

 

“He sends me nice messages occasionally,” she continued. “And sometimes even letters. I didn’t know people your age still wrote letters.”

 

Jungwon chuckled softly. “Jay is different like that.”

 

"Which is why you love him."

 

His breath caught in his throat and his heart began to pound instantaneously. When he glanced at her again, she was smiling softly at the sky. She looked a little smug. It was annoying and also amusing.

 

“How do moms know everything?” He mumbled. He pulled a piece of grass from the ground before flicking it in her direction.

 

“It’s one of our many superpowers,” she teased him, brushing the piece of grass off her leg. Once again, she reached over to take his hand into hers. “Have you been together this whole time? You can tell me the truth.”

 

Finally, he looked at her. Her eyes found his immediately. They were so full of love that he almost broke down on the spot.

 

“No,” he said in a small voice. He felt like a boy again, admitting his secrets to his mom. “Not the whole time. A few years then. A few months now.”

 

Understanding what he meant, she nodded. “He makes you happy?”

 

“Yes. We take care of each other,” he practically whispered.

 

He bit his bottom lip, trying his absolute best to hold back the tears. Ultimately, he failed. They sped down his cheeks and his mom reached over to catch them with her thumbs.

 

“I’m happy for you,” she said. One of her hands smoothed down his hair like she did when he was a child. “He’s a good man.”

 

Comfort washed over him like a wave. There in front of his father’s gravestone, he began to let go of bitterness and regret. He cried in relief and in grief all while his mom held him tight. Despite him being almost a foot taller than her now, he felt small in her arms. Small yet safe.

 

“I’ll invite him over for dinner soon,” she said once Jungwon had calmed down. “The two of you can catch me up on everything. I’ve missed out on a lot.”

 

Jungwon sat up and nodded at his mom. His eyes were puffy and cheeks were wet. He already felt like a kid, but now he absolutely looked like one. She reached over to fix his hair again. Leaning into her touch, he smiled small at her. 

 

They sat for a bit longer before she began to complain about her legs being sore. He helped her stand to her feet. Together they made their way back to their vehicles. After a long midwestern-style goodbye, they got into their separate cars and drove opposite directions.

 

He had never felt closer to his mom than he did right now. He had never felt lighter. 

THEN

 

It all got too heavy. When he thought it couldn’t get worse, it did--quickly. It felt as if the world was crashing down on top of him.

 

And it started on an average Thursday afternoon.

 

He was driving frantically, tears streaming down his face and breathing erratic. He didn’t even call before getting into his car. All he could do was pray that Jay was home.

 

As soon as he saw Jay’s truck parked in front of his family’s large house, he let out a long breath of relief. He left his backpack where he had thrown it in the passenger seat. He only grabbed his keys which were latched onto his lanyard along with his senior year ID card. He was also relieved to notice as he jogged up to the front door that neither of Jay’s parents seemed to be home based on the lack of vehicles in the driveway.

 

He didn’t want them to see him like this. He barely wanted Jay to see him like this. All shame went down the drain, however, as soon as Jay opened the door. He threw himself into his arms and sobbed into his shoulder.

 

“They all know. They all somehow found out,” he cried. He gripped the back of his shirt, knuckles turning white. “Someone overheard me talking to my friend at lunch. Now they all know I’m gay. Everyone at school.”

 

“Jungwonnie,” whispered Jay. He rubbed the back of his shoulder gently. “I don’t-”

 

“I wasn’t ready to come out,” he interrupted hysterically.

 

Pulling away to look at his boyfriend’s face, he caught sight of someone else in the room. He looked over with wide, red rimmed eyes. Jay’s mom sat on the couch. A half-read book rested in her lap, completely abandoned now.

 

“Mrs. Park, I-”

 

“I’ll give you two privacy,” she said quickly.

 

Her expression was indecipherable as she sped out of the room. It made him feel even more sick to his stomach.

 

“I didn’t think anyone else was home,” he said as soon as she was out of sight. He shook his head quickly. His heart was pounding. His hands grabbed onto Jay’s arms, pulling at his hoodie sleeves in a panic. He had no idea what he was doing. “I didn’t- I feel like I’m going to pass out. My parents are going to find out and-”

 

Jay pulled him close again. He stroked the back of Jungwon’s head and with their chests pressed together he could feel his heart beating just as hard as his.

 

“Take a deep breath, Jungwonnie,” he whispered near his ear. “Come on. Let’s go upstairs and lie down.”

 

He allowed the older boy to lead him upstairs to his bedroom. He surprisingly walked into a mess of a room which was unlike Jay. Textbooks and paper were scattered. His laundry was overflowing in a basket. His bed was unmade as well, but the most welcoming it had ever looked. He crawled into it after sliding his shoes off his feet and placing his lanyard on the bedside table.

 

If his mind wasn’t absolutely clouded with his own problems he would have brought it up, knowing that Jay only lets his room get this way when something is wrong. However, he couldn’t focus on anything outside of his own circumstance.

 

“Please hold me,” he whimpered from where he was laying on his bed. He reached out to him. Tears were threatening to spill from his eyes again.

 

Jay shut and locked the door to his room quietly before making his way over. He laid in front of him before wrapping his arm around his waist and pulling him into his chest once again. Jungwon closed his eyes as he felt his lips against his forehead. He lifted a hand up to Jay’s face, gently stroking his cheek with his thumb.

 

There was nothing quite as comforting as his boy’s arms. He found refuge in them often after that. For weeks. He seeked them out after his dad yelled at him saying he was going to hell. He cried in his embrace when he got the email from his church’s worship pastor saying that he could not sing on the platform again unless he ‘changed his lifestyle.’ He collapsed into them after rough school days when people talked too much or a new rumor spread about him. Even as Jay’s father frowned at him when they were saying goodbye, he pulled him into a hug without a care.

 

Jay held him tight and never brought up his own struggles. He was unhealthily selfless while Jungwon was being unknowingly selfish. They both faced the repercussions of it.

 

It was the week of finals for both of them before Christmas break. Jay picked up Jungwon in his truck and they drove to their bluff. They sat in the bed on some blankets and watched as the sun set. It was just the break that both of them needed from studying.

 

“I have something to tell you,” whispered Jay suddenly after several minutes of silence. He reached over to take his hand. 

 

Jungwon intertwined their fingers. “Go on,” he encouraged him with a sweet smile.

 

“So basically, I came out to my uni friends yesterday,” he revealed. He let out a nervous breath, but there was a grin on his face. “They were all really chill about it. And I don’t think Stephan gave a single fuck about it. He went back to playing the game on his phone after I said it.” He chuckled softly. “They’ve all been really nice.”

 

Jungwon smiled back at him. It wasn’t a smile that quite reached his eyes, but it had been awhile since he wore a smile that was completely genuine.

 

“That’s amazing,” he said softly, squeezing his hand. “I’m really happy for you. I’m glad everyone accepts you. I would expect nothing less. Everyone loves you.”

 

Along with his ingenuine smile, his words were as well. They were laced with bitterness so subtle that Jay almost missed it. He narrowed his eyes at Jungwon though and didn’t let it slide.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, tilting his head. “Are you upset that my friends responded well? I thought you’d be happy for me. This is a good thing.”

 

Jungwon’s smile slowly dropped from his face. “I never said I was upset. It is a good thing,” he insisted half-heartedly. “I’m just saying. Everyone loves you. Everyone has always loved you. I’m not surprised.”

 

Jay huffed and pulled his hand away from his. “You’re jealous,” he mumbled. “You could just say that instead of doing whatever it is you’re doing right now. It feels fake.”

 

With a huff, he reached back out for his hand. “I am jealous. Everything works out for you. Life is so easy for you,” Jungwon said. He huffed again when Jay moved his hand further from his. He rested his hand on Jay’s thigh instead. “You’re popular and people look up to you. I wish I was loved like that.”

 

His next string of words felt like an explosion--an explosion that was the result of pent up feelings. “You’ve been so wrapped up in everything that you haven’t even cared to ask how I am. I don’t know if you’re ignoring it or don’t care, but I know you’ve noticed that I actually haven’t been okay. You’re not oblivious.”

 

Jungwon slid his hand from Jay’s thigh as he stared in shock. He didn’t know what to say, but he could also tell that Jay wasn’t done.

 

“I know you’ve been depressed and you haven’t been yourself in weeks. I get it. Life has been hard for you,” he continued. His voice had a desperate tone and his eyes were the saddest Jungwon had seen them in weeks. “I don’t mind caring for you, but it’s also been exhausting. It’s been one-sided and I’ve pushed all of my problems to the side to make sure you’re alright.”

 

“I’m always here to talk to you,” Jungwon finally spoke. He put his hand on Jay’s leg again. He grabbed at his soft sweatpants. “I do care for you.”

 

“It hasn’t seemed like it. It’s been all about you.”

 

The words felt like a punch in the face.

 

“Oh… Well, I’m sorry my homophobic high school thinks it’s funny to write slurs on my locker and my church hates me and my dad has threatened to kick me out every couple days,” he hissed. “I’m sorry my life has been absolute shit and you’re the person I want to go to most.” He moved his hand off his leg again. His ears were red now.

 

“I have things going on too, Jungwon.”

 

He flinched as Jay raised his voice at him. He watched as he turned towards him with frustration in his eyes.

 

“You’re not the only person struggling. I’ve been going insane. When I’m not studying, I’m working. When I’m not working, I’m comforting you. If I’m not doing any of those things, I’m sleeping for a few hours,” Jay went on. “And now we finally had some time to relax and I shared something good happening in my life and you somehow made it about yourself. And I know my problems aren’t as big as yours, but I was waiting for you to at least ask. Just once.”

 

The tears welled up in Jungwon’s eyes more and more as Jay spoke. “I didn’t mean to make it all about me-”

 

“But you did.”

 

“I’m sorry . I shouldn’t have acted that way,” he said, grabbing onto Jay’s arm. “I didn’t realize how selfish I’ve been. I should be there for you as much as you’ve been here for me. I’m so sorry, Jongseong.” He rested his forehead against Jay’s shoulder. “I don’t like when you’re upset with me. I can’t take it. Please-”

 

Jay dipped down his head and pressed his lips against his. When he pulled away Jungwon’s tears finally fell from his eyes.

 

“I didn’t deserve that kiss,” sniffled Jungwon. He wiped his tears away. He couldn’t dare to look into his eyes. He felt ashamed of himself.

 

“I know,” Jay whispered. “But I wanted you to shut up.”

 

He huffed which caused Jay to smile softly. He wrapped his arm around the younger boy and pulled him into his side.

 

“I’m sorry for yelling. I shouldn’t have yelled at you,” he apologized softly.

 

Jungwon immediately shook his head. “I understand why you’re frustrated,” he said softly. “I don’t blame you. You’ve been such a good boyfriend. I want to be good for you too. I want to try my best.” He finally had the nerve to look into his eyes only to see that Jay’s eyes were fond and also incredibly tired. “You should lay down and rest. I’ll hold you.”

 

A little chuckle from Jay was all he needed in order to know that they were going to be okay. They laid down on the blankets together, his head buried in Jungwon’s chest. It was getting dark and cold, but neither of them wanted to go home. This was their escape from reality. Reality was harsh and they couldn’t hide from it forever although Jungwon wished he could.

 

The harsh reality was that although they were going to be okay for now, Jungwon was not and it would ultimately continue to affect the both of them. His mental health was deteriorating little by little everyday. He was losing himself piece by piece. Jay was catching the pieces, but he couldn’t put him back together although he tried.

 

He watched as there were days when Jungwon refused to eat. He watched as he had a panic attack when he picked him up from school. He watched too as Jungwon sat emotionless across the aisle at church--since Jay’s parents didn’t let him sit by him anymore.

 

Jay watched him fall apart yet still remain the sweetest boy. Despite his struggles, Jungwon poured all the energy he had into conversations about Jay’s classes and texting him sweet things and feeding him meat at their favorite Korean BBQ restaurant. He put all he had into their relationship. They were taking care of each other again and Jungwon was trying his best just as he promised he would. And it was draining him.

 

It couldn’t be ignored, but they pretended. They pretended that there wasn’t a strain in their relationship, that everything was going to work itself out somehow.

 

They could only pretend for so long. Their once happy relationship was now at a roadblock.

 

As more and more piled on top of Jungwon, he realized that he didn’t know who he was anymore either. All he knew was that he had a dream for music and the passion he had in his heart was all he could handle to carry anymore.

 

Jungwon couldn't carry any more than that and it wasn't fair to make Jay carry the rest.

 

He wanted to start over. He wanted to follow his heart even if it meant he was going to have to break it in the process--and break Jay’s. They wanted different things, to travel different roads.

 

Their love was exhausted and heavy and had to be let go. Accepting that would be the hardest part.

 

It was one of the hardest things he’d ever done.

 

The hardest was saying goodbye.

 

“What if I go and it doesn’t work out and I’m leaving you for nothing?”

 

They arrived at the airport far earlier than necessary and when they came to the realization, they sat on a bench near security. Jungwon played with Jay’s fingers instead of looking at the time. He knew Jay was already doing that for him. He was probably counting down the minutes.

 

Jay leaned his head back against the wall as he peered over at him. “It wouldn’t be for nothing,” he reassured him. “You never know if you don’t try. And you have to try. This is your dream.”

 

“I’m scared they won’t like me once they meet me in person.”

 

“They’ll love you. Korea will love you. The world will love you,” Jay responded quickly. He squeezed his hand and offered him a sweet smile. “Not like I love you, but they will.”

 

Jungwon blushed and looked down at his hands. He never failed to make him feel flustered.

 

Even though they had agreed to break up a couple weeks ago, only three days after his high school graduation, they decided that they officially would the moment he got on the plane. Until then they had teary eyed conversations and spent late nights cuddling in the backseat of Jungwon’s car and went to all of their favorite places in town. The bluff. Their favorite expensive restaurant. The arcade. They reminisced, laughing and crying and kissing as all the memories played like a movie reel in Jungwon’s head.

 

“And when you debut, I’ll be in the front row cheering you on,” Jay promised. He brought Jungwon’s hand up to his mouth. His lips pressed against his skin and sent tingles down his arm.

 

Tears gathered in Jungwon’s eyes as he looked back up at him. Jay was too good for the world. His soul was too beautiful. There were many times in their relationship when he felt like he didn’t deserve someone like him. Now that he was losing him, however, he couldn’t bear the thought of not having him. It didn’t sink in until this moment.

 

With a single blink, his tears streamed down. “I’m going to regret leaving you,” he whispered.

 

Jay didn’t hesitate in reaching over to wipe his tears away with his fingertips. He closed his eyes as he touched him gently.

 

“We both know you aren’t happy here anymore,” whispered Jay in response. “Like you told me, you need to start over. And if you ever choose to come back, you know I’ll be here waiting.”

 

Jungwon leaned his head against his shoulder as he took in his words. He hugged his arm and nuzzled into his shirt. He was wearing his favorite cologne. It was subtle yet always recognizable.

 

“If I ever choose to come back,” Jungwon finally said, “you’ll be the reason why.”

 

When the time finally came for him to go, Jay walked him as far as he could to security. They held each other close and kissed over and over. Jungwon didn’t want to have a last kiss. None of them felt good enough to be the last. It was the first time they had ever been affectionate like this in public too. It would also be the last for many years.

 

He finally let him go and retreated towards the security line. He was afraid to look back. A part of him thought that if he looked back he would run back into his arms immediately and miss his flight. So he waited until he was past security and about to navigate towards his gate to look over to where Jay still stood watching him.

 

Tears glistened in the older boy’s eyes, but he never let them fall--at least not in front of Jungwon. He gave him one last wave and then disappeared around the corner.

 

It felt like he was truly leaving behind a life and starting a new one. However, he could never let go of Jay completely.

 

He never did.

NOW

 

“It wasn’t for no reason.”

 

Jay looked over quickly from where he sat in the driver’s seat of his truck. They were making their way to Jungwon’s apartment after having dinner with his mom that evening. It was a night full of high school stories, a recap of their puppy love story. She ate up every word. 

 

It was the perfect night, but they were both tired. So, they came to a silent agreement that they wouldn’t talk. Jungwon, now very much an introvert despite being an extrovert most of his life, was especially exhausted.

 

It came as a surprise then that he was the one to initiate conversation. 

 

Jay chuckled in amusement. “What are you talking about?” He asked. “Did you just have an entire conversation with me in your head?”

 

His cheeks flushed pink. “I was deep in thought,” Jungwon mumbled. He looked out the window at the highway traffic. “I was thinking about the conversation we had in the airport the day I left for Korea.”

 

Humming softly, Jay nodded. “I remember it like it was yesterday,” he said. He pursed his lips. “But why are you thinking about it now?”

 

“All the stories we told my mom. Looking at our history from when we met to where we are now… I believe everything happened for a reason,” he explained further. He looked back over at Jay who was smiling to himself. “Like me getting outed. And us being separated. And coming back together. It’s like Pastor says. God has a plan.”

 

“Even for the gays,” added Jay.

 

Jungwon snickered and fondly rolled his eyes. “Yep. Even the raging homosexuals.”

 

He watched as Jay chuckled softly while also focusing on making the turn onto the exit. They were nearing their neighborhood. He didn’t want to go home. Not without Jay.

 

“Can you miss the turn onto my street tonight?” Jungwon whispered. He reached over to take Jay’s hand that had been resting on the center console. He flipped it and began tracing the lines along his palm--a habit that had never changed. “I want to stay with you.”

 

Jay flexed his fingers. He hummed contently as Jungwon slid his fingers between his. “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

He looked up at the sky and could see the stars now. Sometimes when he looks at the stars, he thinks of the night he met Jay. He thinks of their nights on the bluff and in half empty parking lots. In Jay’s backyard. Early mornings calling from thousands of miles away.

 

Praise him all you shining stars. 

 

The words danced in Jungwon’s head as they passed his street. How blessed was he that they were traveling the same road, that they wanted the same things. 

 

He knew for a fact that they wouldn’t always align, that it wouldn’t always feel this easy. There will be days when they can’t both give their 100 percent to each other and seasons when they won’t agree. But they would figure it out. A special man in Jungwon’s life had taught him that.

 

He never again wanted to travel another road. Not without Jay.

THEN

 

It was easy to fall in love with South Korea. After all, it was Jungwon’s second home. He had family who were ecstatic that he was moving there and even more ecstatic that he was pursuing his dream. They all offered their homes for him to live in, but he turned them all down politely.

 

He decided to live on campus at his university until he eventually could afford an apartment of his own. The university in question was a highly acclaimed school. Because of his impressive grades and exam results, he managed to get in. It was a half an hour from the company. He often wished he was closer, but this was the cheapest housing option and he was on a budget.

 

The company treated him well. They gave him a manageable schedule with dance and vocal trainers after he gave them his school schedule. They were flexible and understanding. The contract he signed with them also included a weekly allowance. As a broke college kid who probably didn’t have time for a part-time job, he was incredibly thankful for this.

 

However, he eventually did pick one up. Early mornings, before going to class, he’d work for a few hours at a local cafe. It was there that he met Sunoo.

 

He was the epitome of sunshine. He had light pink hair when he met him. Every customer was greeted with a bright smile. He always wore an apron around the cafe which he had sewn patches onto. One of the patches was the pansexual flag. From the moment Jungwon walked in for the interview and saw it, he knew it would be a safe work environment.

 

In the few hours they spent together every morning, he became his closest friend. Sure he didn’t understand him quite like the other trainees at the company and he could never replace his beloved Jake, but he was the person he trusted most in Korea. He could tell him anything with no judgment. That meant the world to him.

 

On a particularly late Friday night after Jungwon left vocal training, he met up with Sunoo to hang out. They missed each other too much to wait until Monday to see each other again. They settled on meeting at Han River. Sunoo brought them leftovers from the cafe. They sat and ate them together as they watched the water and admired distant city lights. It felt like the perfect setting to open up to him even more than he already had.

 

He spilled everything about Jay.

 

Sunoo listened attentively, nodding along to his words and reaching over to rub his back when it seemed like Jungwon needed comfort. He let it all out to his friend. Starting from the beginning when they met to the moment they separated in the airport, he poured out his heart. 

 

“I miss him so much every day,” he said softly. He looked out at the water as Sunoo looped his arm around his. “We’ve talked often since I’ve been gone, but not as much as we used to. We message and call though just to check up on each other. I always want to end the call by saying that I love him, but I catch myself before I do.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sunoo nodding again and watching him with soft eyes. He was the best listener.

 

“Our love was practically asleep when I left,” he continued after a moment. “It was like no matter how much we shook it, we couldn’t wake it up. So as much as I want to try again, I’m afraid it might be too soon.”

 

“You really have a way with words,” Sunoo said with a sweet smile.

 

Jungwon returned the smile as he looked over at him. It was impossible not to. 

 

“Do you want advice?” Sunoo asked softly. “Some words of wisdom from your hyung?”

 

“Of course,” replied Jungwon without any hesitation.

 

Sunoo affectionately rubbed his arm as he spoke. “There is no such thing as a relationship where both people see eye to eye about everything they’re faced with. Or a relationship where both people are always pulling the same amount of weight,” he explained softly. “And you may be aware of that already. You’re a smart boy. But my point is, when you love someone you do everything you can to make it work. You figure it out together.”

 

Jungwon nodded slowly. His friend was debating his next words carefully.

 

“It’s clear that you two did what was best,” Sunoo continued. He smiled gently at Jungwon. “And I don’t think that you were giving up when you moved. If you stayed, then it could have turned into disaster and then there’d be no hope. But instead, you were brave enough to leave and he let you go. That’s one of the biggest acts of love anyone can do.”

 

Jungwon had tears in his eyes. “So you think we did the right thing?” He asked.

 

Reaching over, Sunoo used the end of his shirt sleeve to wipe the tears from Jungwon’s cheeks. “Without a doubt,” he whispered. He held Jungwon’s face in his hand affectionately. “I think one day, when the timing is right, you’ll find your way back to each other.”

 

At that moment, Jungwon wasn’t quite sure if he completely believed his hyung’s words, but he hugged him tight and thanked him quietly. 

 

“You have a way with words too,” Jungwon said with a smile as they later walked towards the bus stop. 

 

Sunoo smirked. “I know,” he said ever so modestly. “Do you want to come to my place tonight? Sunghoon is coming over. He’s been wanting to meet you since I talk about you so often. And I want you to meet him, of course.” He grabbed Jungwon’s hand and gave it a squeeze when he saw he wasn’t quite convinced. “You can stay the night. I’ll cook breakfast for you too. Please?”

 

Jungwon sighed. He couldn’t tell him no even if he was incredibly exhausted. “Okay. Yeah. I’d love to meet him too. Are you two dating yet?” He asked. He wiggled his eyebrows at him. He’d been hearing for weeks all about the pretty boy Sunoo met at the ice skating rank and all the dates they went on together. “Officially, I mean.”

 

“Not yet. I think I’ll ask him soon though… to be my boyfriend,” he said with pink cheeks. He swung their arms between them. “He’ll say yes. He’s so in love with me.”

 

“I can’t tell if you’re confident or full of yourself.”

 

The older boy glared at him for that one.

 

Sunghoon was a sweetheart as expected. He offered to play video games with Jungwon on the console Sunoo had in the living room yet never used. It was the closest thing he’d had to playing games with Jake. It was comforting. Sunghoon was quiet and sweet at first, but by the end of the evening they were both cheering (or shouting) at the television as Sunoo gave them both the side eye.

 

He watched as later Sunghoon fell asleep with his head in Sunoo’s lap. Jungwon smiled affectionately at his friend who was loving every bit of it.

 

From that day on, Jungwon took his hyung’s words to heart. He allowed for him and Jay to have space, calling a bit less and messaging only when he really had something to say. They did the right thing, he often reminded himself. Time and distance would be good for them.

 

Life went on, but Jay was always there. He was there as Jungwon trained harder at the company. He was there in the back of his mind when he hooked up with a couple boys from school and there again as he cried both times on the walk to his room afterwards. He was there even when eventually he met an actual nice guy who broke his heart.

 

For three whole years, he missed him. He didn’t know who he was without him. Maybe this was unhealthy, but it was the truth. It couldn’t be denied.

 

All over again, his life was falling apart and just like that the weight of the world was back on his shoulders. His father passed away, he broke up with his mess of a boyfriend, and the music label that had once adored him dropped him completely. All in the span of a couple years. 

 

It was when he sat once again at Han River, by himself this time, that he sobbed into his hands. He prayed for the first time in forever. He begged for God to give him a sign. He needed a sign about what to do next. Anything. He was lost and desperate.

 

Then his phone lit up with a call. He looked down at it with red eyes.

 

He quickly picked it up to answer it. “Hello?”

 

“Hey,” Jay’s sweet, gentle voice said into his ear. “I was just thinking about you. I know it’s late there. I hope I didn’t wake you.”

 

That was all he needed. Whether it was a sign from God or not, he took it as one. 

NOW

 

He could do this everyday.

 

Jungwon was outside watching as Jay cooked on his new grill. He sipped at his iced coffee as he swung comfortably in the hammock he had bought for Jay, insisting that he needed one. Jay looked over at him with fond eyes. 

 

It all felt so domestic.

 

Jungwon’s toothbrush was in his bathroom now. He had washed some clothes there that Jay hung in his closet instead of returning back to him. Jungwon painted the front door a sage green. He added to his vinyl collection. Jay cooked and Jungwon washed the dishes as he sang along to whichever record played. He woke up to him nearly every morning, his own apartment practically abandoned at this point.

 

This was his home now. And he had the prettiest smile.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jungwon blushed. “You wanna kiss me or something?”

 

Jay smiled wider. He put down the tongs he had been using before walking over. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Jungwon’s forehead. “Always.”

 

“Cheesy,” Jungwon mumbled before wrapping his lips back around his straw. 

 

Jay gave him a pat on his head before retreating back to the grill. As he continued watching him cook, what he had thought moments ago finally settled in. I could do this everyday.

 

“What would you think if I decided to go back to South Korea?” Jungwon asked suddenly. He stood from the hammock and walked over to Jay. He placed his glass on the patio table before wrapping his arms around him from behind. He rested his head on Jay’s shoulder.

 

“That’s a loaded question,” he mumbled in response as he began to flip the meat and vegetables. “But I have an easy answer.”

 

“Tell me,” Jungwon said eagerly. He was smiling wide and when Jay glanced over and saw, he couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight. 

 

“Well,” Jay sighed. He put down the tongs again. He slowly peeled Jungwon’s arms off from around his waist and turned to face him. Another chuckle fell from his lips as Jungwon immediately attached himself to him again. “I would support you, of course. I would call you everyday and text you so much that you would find it annoying.”

 

“Mhm,” he hummed. He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. “Go on.”

 

Jay pinched his side playfully. “What are you up to?”

 

“Nothing. Keep talking.”

 

“Fine,” laughed Jay. He rested his head on Jungwon’s shoulder as well as his fingers delicately traced his spine. “I would visit you too. At least once a month. I'm a manager now. I’m allowed to take off however much I want.”

 

“You’ve let the power get to your head, Jongseong.”

 

“As I should.”

 

Jungwon giggled. He pulled back a little to get a good look at Jay’s face. He watched as the smile never fell from his lips. His cheeks were a rosy pink like his own and his eyes were twinkling like they always did when he looked at him.

 

“I’m not going back though,” he whispered.

 

Jay’s eyes lit up even more. They searched Jungwon’s eyes, as if he was trying to figure out what he meant. “No? What about becoming an idol?”

 

“Dreams can change,” said Jungwon. He reached up to brush Jay’s hair back from his forehead. “I haven’t figured out what it is now, but I will. I know what I want now. I know who I am.”

 

If pride were a person, it would have been Jay at that moment. “You’re incredible, you know that?” He said softly. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against his. “Are you sure though? It’s what you’ve wanted for years.”

 

“I am,” he said with a sweet smile. He pressed a kiss to his lips again. “Also, I think the meat is on fire.”

 

As Jay turned in a panic, yelling and grabbing things frantically all while Jungwon casually leaned against the patio table with his straw back in his mouth, he had not a doubt in his mind. This is where he was meant to be.

 

He had never been so sure.

Notes:

A lot of songs inspired this fic. If you'd like to give them a listen, I put them all into a playlist here:
Spotify

Please leave a kudo and comment your thoughts. I appreciate all feedback! Thank you so much for reading!

Twitter