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Shu Yi's weight is comfortable on top of him, both so familiar and so new. There is a tightness in his chest that still remains, a part that whispers, ‘You are not worthy, you are not allowed, you don't deserve this.’
He tries to squash it. He is too scared to jeopardize all of this. Maybe the wrong move will shatter this fragile peace. He doesn't quite know how to move forward and is overwhelmed by the sheer gravity of it. So, all he does is look at him, memorizing each detail of Shu Yi's face.
Shu Yi looks at him just the same as Shi De lightly cards his hand through the other man’s hair. The smell of his shampoo is in the air. It’s still the same one after all these years. At this moment, his breath hitches and he is full of wonder. Just the night before, it seemed like Shu Yi would never forgive him, and now they are here. Back together again. Shi De marvels at Shu Yi's capacity for forgiveness. Somehow, even though he was fighting for him, he hadn't truly believed that it would happen, or that he even deserved it. He’s choking, fighting the tears he can feel coming, swallowing.
But the way Shu Yi is looking at him, it’s like no time has passed. He’s right back in the past, finally, finally with him. Being able to look. Being allowed. Not having to hide the fact that he is. Shu Yi’s eyes are still red and slightly wet. He caresses his neck lightly, making the skin tingle as Shi De's hands are still feeling his soft hair. He wants to stay in this moment forever.
There is a tentative smile on Shu Yi's lips, and they are still looking at each other as if they can bridge the five years they were apart with their eyes alone.
There is a prickling in his hand, a current running through him. His arm moves from behind his head to reach out. He touches Shu Yi's face softly, marveling at the smoothness of his skin. Just a touch. But Shu Yi sighs, closes his eyes, and moves closer, cupping his face in Shi De's hand, a soft tiny sigh escaping his lips. Shi De is reminded again that Shu Yi is the one that's bold, Shu Yi is the one that will catch him.
His breath hitches as he starts tracing Shu Yi's face with his hand, he moves over his forehead and his brows, and the closed lid of his eyes as they flutter. He moves over the tip of his nose to brush his fingers over Shu Yi's lips with a featherlight touch, and Shu Yi's mouth opens ever so slightly, places a tiny kiss on the tip of Shi De’s thumb as he opens his eyes and looks at him affectionately.
Shi De moves his thumb over Shu Yi’s lips softly, from one side to the other, and then caresses his chin with his thumb as his index finger follows across the bottom lip. He can feel the tension starting to build in his stomach, the tingling shooting through his hand. He cups his face with his hand again.
“Shu Yi,” he starts, but the other man interrupts him by shaking his head, not breaking eye contact. He moves closer, bumping their noses together lightly, pressing his forehead to Shi De’s for a short while, and then moving away again.
Shi De is torn. He still feels they need to talk, but at the same time, he is under a spell. He opens his mouth, but Shu Yi covers it with his hand and grins down at him as he moves to kiss his forehead, then the side of his face and the tip of his nose.
There is a mischievousness gleaming in his eyes. Something is tugging at the back of Shi De’s mind, something he should know, but he can’t grasp it. Shu Yi is brushing his lips lightly over Shi De’s, and Shi De feels something swelling in his chest, and heat rising in his face.
His lips tingle as he’s chasing Shu Yi’s lips, landing a slight peck as Shu Yi giggles. But then Shu Yi's look turns serious again. He’s still on top of Shi De, pushing himself up on his arm, looking at him. Shu Yi closes the distance, pushing Shi De down on the bed. His lips are firm against him as he brushes over them softly, and Shi De can’t help the sigh escaping his lips.
He feels hot all over, a prickling under his scalp. Shu Yi angles himself to kiss him again, to open his lips slightly with his own, to brush them softly with the tip of his tongue. One kiss after another, and Shi De is chasing. He cannot get enough. So he grabs his head and caresses his ears to be closer and closer. Shu Yi sighs. Their tongues are mingling now, touching each other, dancing. Their breath is getting more strained with the exertion.
It’s a lot, but not enough, either. Shi De wants to pull him even closer, wants to drown in him, wants to touch everywhere and feel everything.
“Gao Shi De,” Shu Yi mutters, his breath stuttering slightly. There is so much emotion in his eyes and so much intent, a surety that lets Shi De hardly breathe.
Shu Yi is fiddling with his shirt, sneaking his fingers under it, lightly touching his belly and Shi De gets goosebumps right away everywhere he touches. He lifts both of them with a swift move. Shu Yi is on his lap now, staring intensely at Shi De’s face. His fingers are still under his shirt, unmoving. They look at each other. The tension between them feels so strong to Shi De they might both explode. He can feel his penis starting to harden with Shu Yi on his lap like this.
And there it is. The intrusive thought. The kind of thoughts he always wishes he didn’t have. The thoughts that always ruin his life.
What does this mean? Is this too fast? Shouldn’t they talk first? Get everything out in the open? What if Shu Yi decides after that it’s not enough? That Shi De is just too much trouble? Maybe he still hates him? Maybe he is still playing a game and actually wants revenge.
This all happens within a second, thoughts racing, jumbled. Say something.
“Gao Shi De,” Shu Yi whispers, disapproving, as if he can read Shi De’s mind, telling him to get out of his head. He wrinkles his nose at Shi De.
Be in the moment, he seems to whisper, it doesn’t matter now.
And it really doesn’t. He loves me. He loves me. He’s forgiven me. He repeats it in his head and sees Shu Yi smile as if he knows that Shi De just let it go.
He smiles gently as he lifts Shi De’s T-Shirt up and pulls it over his head. “You’re at my mercy now,” he says, his voice full of laughter and Shi De has to grin. “Are you sure about this,” he says as he gets rid of Shu Yi’s shirt, as well, and swiftly moves him onto his back, and swings on top of him.
Shu Yi grins, delight in his eyes. He clearly doesn’t mind. “Take my pants off,” he orders Shi De, swatting at his stomach playfully.
Shi De is happy to oblige.
–
Shi De isn’t sure how much time has passed when he wakes up again. He is completely naked under the covers, and something is pressing into his side. It takes him a minute to remember where he is and what happened, but when he does, he’s suddenly much more awake and a smile forms on his lips. He tries to move a little, so as not to disturb Shu Yi.
The other man’s face is touching Shi De’s arm, and the entire length of his body is pressed to his side. It tickles on Shi De’s arm every time Shu Yi breathes. His smile widens, and the fondness he feels rushes through him like a wave. This is real. This is real.
He moves to the side and Shu Yi rolls onto his stomach in response, a soft grunt escaping his lips, still facing Shi De. Shi De lightly touches Shu Yi’s messy hair and then softly places his hand on Shu Yi’s naked back, making small movements with his thumb. He can see the goosebumps forming on Shu Yi’s skin.
He is stirring under his ministrations, eye movement showing signs of waking up. He unconsciously moves closer to Shi De as he opens them. The smile that forms is instant.
Shu Yi crunches up his nose and nuzzles it into Shi De’s arm with a grunt, and Shi De can’t help but giggle, happiness welling up inside him. He moves over and sofly kisses Shu Yi’s cheek and breathes him in, his hand moving up and down the length of Shu Yi’s back.
Shu Yi’s eyes are open, half awake, but focused on Shi De only. “How are you feeling? Any better?” Shi De asks as Shu Yi’s stomach is growling loudly.
“Much,” Shu Yi mumbles as he rubs his eyes.
He’s fighting with himself. Get Shu Yi to eat something, or spend more time cuddling in bed? But the dish he made for Shu Yi the night before, is still sitting at the side of the bed, untouched.
“Any requests for breakfast?” Shi De asks.
Shu Yi seems to think about it when his eyes grow wide and he sits up quickly. “Crap. What time is it?”
Shi De checks the time. “Seven thirty,” he says.
“I have to go to work,” Shu Yi says, jumping off the bed, the blanket falling off of him.
Shi De can’t help but stare at Shu Yi’s naked body before following him, pulling him to himself, and hugging him close.
“Not today,” he whispers as he presses kisses on Shu Yi’s shoulder. The other man shivers.
“Gao Shi De,” Shu Yi says with a slight warning tone and Shi De stops the embrace, his hands falling down over Shu Yi’s arms, resting on his hips.
He moves his right hand up to stroke Shu Yi’s cheek. “You’ve been sick. You should rest some more, and you really need to eat something,” he reasons, and Shu Yi seems to melt a bit under his gaze.
Shu Yi laughs, “If I don’t work today, Shi Zhe Yu will be so mad at me. I already made him pull extra hours, and then didn’t come because you distracted me, and I already owe him several Michelin-star dinners. I really can’t have Zhe Yu mad at me.”
“Don’t you think he would understand?”
“Gao Shi De, I’m fine. I feel so much better. Besides, you can come with me, and take care of me,” he says with shining eyes.
He sits up and Shi De follows. He raises his arms and circles them around Shi De’s neck, pressing a light kiss on his lips. So soft, but still sending ripples of warmth through Shi De’s body.
“Damn,” Shi De whispers. “Now I can’t say no.”
“No, you really can’t,” Shu Yi whispers. He grins. “Let’s get ready. We can take your car, right?”
“Breakfast first,” Gao Shi De negotiates. “You really need to eat something.” Shu Yi’s stomach makes a sound as if answering, and he laughs. “Ok, ok. Congee?”
“Ok, I will make it while you get ready. After, I have to get clothes from my place,” Shi De says. ”I could drive you to work first, and then get changed.”
“Why? Isn’t that a huge detour?”
Shi De breathes, willing Shu Yi to understand. “That’s ok. It’s probably good to arrive separately.”
Shu Yi shakes his head. “I will just wait in your apartment while you get dressed.”
“But what about the company? What about your dad?” What if he disapproves again? What if he makes it all difficult for Shu Yi?
“I don’t care. I decide,” Shu Yi says defiantly.
“Stop worrying, or I’ll hit you,” he teases, punching him playfully.
“Ok, ok, I yield.” Shi De laughs, an indescribable feeling of happiness blooming inside of him.
He chooses me.