Chapter Text
The first time Rey met Ben Solo, she was seventeen.
It was the summer before her senior year of high school, and she’d had to move across Chandrila to a new foster home. Start over for what felt like the millionth time. Rey was so used to the feeling that she didn’t really care anymore.
But this time turned out to be different.
Although school was already out until the fall, she quickly befriended a neighbor named Rose. And Rose knew a classmate, Finn. And Finn knew Poe. And Poe knew Ben.
Poe and Ben were a year older, having just graduated from high school. Ready to head off to college in a few months and start living their lives.
Which was a problem, because when Rey saw Ben for the first time, she knew. It was as if lightning struck her. She had always been a big believer in fate, and that things happened for a reason.
And maybe the reason for her getting moved to a new foster home was to meet him. Because Rey knew right away that Ben Solo was going to be someone very important in her life.
Before she had a chance to meet him, Rose had actually warned her about Ben. Said that he was a bit of a grump. That he didn’t take well to new people.
But she also laughed, explaining that Ben was stuck with his group of friends because “he’d been stuck with them all since he was five years old.”
Rose begged her to be patient and give him a chance.
That he was worth it.
As soon as she met him, she understood what Rose meant. Ben liked familiar people and held those friendships close. But new people? New people weren’t worth the effort.
Except, as it turned out, for Rey.
🫧
She met him and Poe for the first time at the pool right as school ended. Rose called out their names as she and Rey arrived.
The boys both looked up, and Rey knew immediately which one must be Ben. He was the overly large one with a surly expression on his face.
But what Rose hadn’t warned her about was how hot he was. Maybe striking was a better word. All she knew is that she couldn’t take her eyes off him.
He must be very tall, she guessed by the way his long legs stretched out in front of the chair. He also wasn’t wearing a shirt, which was a little distracting.
Later, Rey would blame his bare chest for her reaction. Why she stood there, blinking dumbly at him before managing to introduce herself.
He was pale, with gorgeous dark, shaggy hair. He had beauty marks everywhere she could see, and an oversized nose that somehow fit his features perfectly.
And when he’d looked up at the sound of Rose’s voice calling out a hello, she saw that he had the softest dark eyes. He saw Rey right away, gaze locking on hers in turn. She could see his eyes widen slightly. He looked as dazed as she felt.
She walked right up to both of them. “Hi, I’m Rey,” she said, trying to sound casual.
Poe smiled warmly and said hello. But Ben just looked at her, mouth slightly parted as if he’d been midsentence in conversation with Poe.
The silence stretched between them long enough that Rey began to fidget, wringing her hands together.
Poe finally smacked him on the back of the head. “Hello, earth to Benjamin,” he teased.
Ben blinked, eyes never leaving hers as he breathed her name. “Rey. H— Hi. I’m Ben.”
And he smiled at her, revealing crooked teeth. Then he bit his lip, hiding his smile as if he remembered he was supposed to be grumpy all the time.
She wondered if his lips were as soft as they looked.
A connection formed between them, right from the start. They became close friends right away.
Or, something like that.
He was somewhat of an old soul, Rey decided. Serious and intense. Not like any other teenager she’d ever met.
At first, Rey wasn’t alone with him often. When she saw him, it was typically in a larger group. But within a matter of days, Rey would find herself huddled in a corner with Ben at at those gatherings, joking and talking quietly amongst themselves.
It felt right like he was someone she had known before and had fallen back into again.
Sometimes, they all would drive to the beach for the day, a two-hour drive, and of course, Rey would ride with Ben. She had a license, but no car.
She would prop her feet on his dashboard as they sang along to his favorite songs, which somehow had been her favorite songs too.
When they got to the beach, Ben would carry her beach chair for her, stubbornly clinging to it when she tried to tug it back from him. And he’d set it up right next to his every time, so they could be close.
Then he would insist on helping her carry it back again, rebuffing any attempt that Rey made to argue about it.
A similar pattern developed whenever they all met at Ben’s neighborhood pool. He would save her a chair next to his since he was always early to everything and she was always late.
And he’d pull out his sunscreen, pushing it toward her and insisting he didn’t want to be responsible for her getting sunburned.
Whenever she needed someone to reach her back, he was right there, quickly grabbing the bottle back and volunteering to help. He didn’t seem to mind at all. Sometimes she would even think that maybe, she might have heard his breathing pick up, or his hands tremble a little, while he was doing it.
Or maybe that was only wishful thinking.
Ben would suddenly be “too hot,” ready to get in the water whenever she wanted to. Sometimes, they were so deep in conversation that they’d move toward the pool, getting in together without even realizing it.
He was very kind. Rey realized that what came off as grumpiness from him was actually shyness.
Ben wasn’t shy with her though. He opened up easily, telling her how lonely he was, but that he was thankful to have friends from childhood at least. And that was essentially raising himself. Well, besides the nannies when he was younger.
That made Rey comfortable enough to open up to him, too. She never did that with anyone. Eventually, she told him the truth about her past. Her abandonment, her loneliness, and how she’d never felt she belonged. Never had a home or somewhere she felt safe. Much less wanted.
He was quiet for a long time after she told him about being abandoned and unwanted. Then, he said softly, “I can be your home, Rey. If you want me to.”
Her heart cracked open at his words, carving out a Ben-shaped space inside it.
🫧
Another summer hangout for everyone was Shelley Lake. It was a huge park with gorgeous walking trails. They would all spread out on blankets on top of the grassy hill overlooking the water. They’d play guitar, smoke cigarettes, and just be.
The first time Rose brought her there, Rey was nervous when she saw everyone sitting together, looking close like they all belonged. She felt like an outsider looking in.
She hesitated slightly as she approached, unsure where to sit. There wasn’t any space left near Rose.
Shuffling awkwardly on her feet, she glanced all the way to her right and Ben caught her eye. He was sitting by everyone, but not with anyone. There was plenty of space right next to him.
Looking at her, he tilted his head to the blanket, as if asking, “Do you want to come be with me?”
Rey grinned at him, letting out a sigh of relief. When she plopped down next to him, she was sure to thank him.
His eyes flitted to hers before going back to the blade of grass he was fiddling with. All he said back was, “I was saving it for you.”
It was clear to her by that point that she and Ben simply fit together. Rey didn’t know how else to describe it.
When they sat next together on his blanket, as they always did after that, she would tuck right in by his side as if she was meant to be there. With his warm body next to hers, she’d watch the light sparking and skipping over the lake water in front of them and feel peaceful.
Happy for the first time she could remember.
A few times, his shoulder would nudge hers, or he’d move close enough that their thighs pressed together, but neither of them would move away. Or his arm would stretch back, hovering behind but not quite touching her.
Rey wasn’t sure if any of it was on purpose, and didn’t want to get her hopes up. But a little piece of her, the piece that didn’t listen to reason, really wouldn’t mind.
It became an unspoken thing. She caught their friends giving them quizzical glances, before she started catching sly looks instead.
Rey and Ben both ignored them.
🫧
Her birthday arrived in the heart of summer, when the days were so disgustingly hot that even the air conditioning offered little relief.
Rey’s friends surprised her with her favorite cake and ice cream. She remembered Rose asking about her favorite flavors a few weeks ago.
Most interestingly of all, she found out that it was Ben who insisted on baking the cake for her, although when Rose mentioned it in front of him, he blushed and didn’t say a word.
But she did catch him watching her scarf down a giant slice later, eyes soft and mouth quirked up in a half smile.
And when Rey blew out her eighteen candles, there was no hesitation over what she wished for. But she’d never tell a soul, because it was something that couldn’t be.
Before long, Rey and Ben felt comfortable enough to spend most of their time alone together instead of everyone else.
Rey didn’t think they were dates, exactly.
But even as inexperienced as she was, Rey knew that her feelings for Ben had become very not-friendly. He was so hard to read, but Rey didn’t think he liked her like that.
Besides, he was leaving soon for college halfway around the world. His family has always planned for him to attend school in Alderaan, where his mother was from. Rey had been shocked to discover that he was descended from royalty there, long ago.
Ben had always been enthusiastic about it too, from the sound of things. Rose told her that it had been in the works for years. He’d never even needed a backup plan with the connections his mom had there.
Rey was happy for him. But secretly, she couldn’t help thinking that it was a shame.
The fact that he was leaving hung over her head as a grim reminder.
So she accepted all of this as the way things were going to be, and then Ben Solo kissed her.
🫧
It happened on a Saturday night. Rey and Ben and Poe had snuck out in the middle of the night with another girl in his class. They’d gone to a local lookout, a rocky area off a side road that hid a beautiful waterfall.
It was too dark to see anything, so Ben and Rey sat on the hood of his car, listening to the rushing water and the crickets chirping. Poe’s older brother had given them some beer, so Rey and Ben shared a single bottle.
Poe had wandered off somewhere with the girl, leaving them alone.
She felt Ben’s pinky finger nudge along hers before he slowly wrapped it around her own. Rey’s heart skipped a beat, feeling confused and excited, and a little scared all at once. He had never touched her quite like that before.
They stayed like that for a long time, in contented silence.
Finally, Ben cleared his throat and turned to face Rey. “Rey, I… um, there’s something I want to tell you,” he said slowly, running a hand roughly through his hair.
“It’s just hard for me, because… because I don’t let people in very much.”
Rey smiled, putting her hand over the top of his, resting on the hood. “You know you don’t have to explain anything to me, Ben.” She squeezed his hand lightly.
“No, I— I need to tell you this.”
She nodded, refusing to let herself read too much into it. Yet couldn’t help the butterflies forming in her stomach.
“Rey, I like you. Like, really like you.” He stumbled over his words, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“I want to be your friend— I mean I am your friend, but I also want… more. I have for a while, but I don’t want to wreck things. I know we just met in May, but you’re already one of the most important people in my life.”
He looked a little panicked by the time he finished, like he’d said more than he meant to.
Rey felt a little panicked, too. She had promised herself that this couldn't happen. It was a bad idea. He was leaving. But, he wanted her too.
No one had ever wanted her before.
And she knew she was already half in love with him. More than half. She had been since the moment she laid eyes on him, probably.
Her bond with Ben never felt like one of those silly teenage crushes that Rose or Kaydel talked about. It felt like an ancient, bone-deep connection.
She took a deep breath, deciding that she’d deal with the fallout later. Because she wanted him.
And now he wanted her too. “Ben,” she interrupted.
He looked up from where their hands were still tangled together, nervously chewing his lip. He must have seen something on her face because his expression slowly morphed into something… hopeful?
Rey didn’t say a word, she just leaned in and kissed him.
He responded immediately, without a moment’s hesitation. His hands came up to cup her face, thumbs stroking over her cheeks as her lips moved over his.
It was her first kiss, and she felt a little stupid initiating it. And yes, it was a little awkward and clumsy at first, but they soon found their rhythm together, and it felt as natural as breathing.
His lips were so soft and gentle, and he tasted so good. He held her face and kissed her breathless and she thought she loved him.
After a minute, he surfaced for air, breathing heavily and resting his forehead against hers.
“Was that okay?” He murmured in her ear, voice deep and rough. “This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I’ve never actually kissed anyone before.”
“Ben, it was my first kiss, too,” she whispered back. “It was perfect.”
She reached her arms around him, hugging him tight. He squeezed her back and then explained, “I just… I’m not like Poe or anyone else. I don’t like hooking up with people for the fun of it. I just can’t.”
He thought for a minute before adding, “I wondered whether something was wrong with me until I met you, actually. But now I think I have to feel something before I can do things with someone. Like… physically.”
Rey knew what he meant. “I’m honored, Ben Solo, that you would choose me, then,” she replied, winking.
He looked at her for a second, dazed. “Oh, it was no choice. It just was. Is.”
They kissed again, sweet and slow, until Poe reappeared, telling them it was time to haul ass home before the sun came up.
By the time Rey got out of the car at the end of her street to sneak home, her hands were shaking and her heart pounded. The reality of kissing Ben was catching up to her. She was excited. Scared. Terrified, even.
Although she was young and completely ignorant of matters of the heart, she knew she had fallen, and fallen hard. She couldn’t stop it now, even if she had wanted to.
He felt like fate.
Time seemed to speed up after that, moving faster when Rey was desperate for it to slow down. The summer was over half gone already.
She started overhearing mentions of school starting, and her heart sank every time. Not because of starting over at a new school, but because it meant that the day Ben left was creeping closer and closer.
Rey wondered how her heart would survive it. She’d never opened up to anyone before, never felt like this before.
She’d given her heart away before even realizing it happened.
She started to think about how it would feel after he was gone. And she started to think about how Ben would feel, having to leave her behind.
If he felt anything like she did, how could he possibly go off and enjoy school? She didn’t want him to be distracted or miserable or waste his time there thinking about her. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him.
She sighed, trying to put it out of her mind every time.
But it was impossible to when it felt as though they’d met their soulmate, and an expiration date was looming on their time together.
Ben hadn’t mentioned it directly yet, but she could tell he was trying not to bring it up around her. Whenever Poe started talking about college and freedom and dorms, Ben would stay quiet, changing the subject as soon as he could.
It seemed like he didn’t want to deal with it either.
But after they kissed, Rey and Ben were even more inseparable. Their friends teased them about how they were joined at the hip.
The two of them started spending more time alone together, too. Once they admitted what was happening between them, they didn’t need that excuse of the group getting together to see each other.
It also meant that they spent more time alone doing… physical things. Truth be told, Both of them were woefully inexperienced and tried to take things slow. Really, they did.
But kissing led to more, like shirts and bras coming off. And lots more exploring each other’s bodies.Their pants eventually came off too, and the first time Rey came face to face with Ben’s dick was an experience.
They were both so wrapped up in each other that ending up in only their underwear felt like the most natural thing in the world.
When her hand crept down Ben's torso, fingers curling under his waistband for the first time, he froze in shock but quickly recovered. He helped her push the waistband of his boxers down to free himself.
Rey’s eyes widened. It was the first time she’d seen it in its full glory. And she had no clue what to do with it to make him feel good.
She stared blankly at his cock for a moment longer than she should have. Ben’s hand was already fisting it as he stroked himself slowly. When she looked back up at him, his eyes were on her face.
Hesitantly, she reached out for him. “How do you like it, Ben? I want to make you feel good.”
He smiled and kissed her forehead. “I love— I’ll love any way you touch me, Rey. I promise.” But he did take her hand, wrap it around his shaft, and guide her up and down until she knew the rhythm.
Ben must have been very worked up because, after only a moment, he buried his face in her neck and groaned softly. Sticky white cum spurted out onto her hand, his chest, and all over the bed, too.
He muttered words into her hair, she couldn’t hear what they were but as he kissed her shoulder over and over, before reaching into her underwear next, she forgot to ask.
🫧
They started sneaking into each other’s rooms at night. Ben had his car and no supervision, while Rey’s foster parents paid zero attention to her coming and going.
Han and Leia were both really nice, she’d met them and spent time with them. They were good people, but anyone could see though that they weren’t the most involved parents. They were never around.
The bright side was that it meant they could be together as much as they wanted, without adults asking any pesky questions.
One late night, a few weeks after this new aspect of their relationship began, Rey and Ben lay side by side in his bed, touching and kissing and panting with how much they wanted each other.
That night, Ben had his hand in her underwear, rubbing and stroking the way he’d learned that she liked. She was running her hands up his arms and down his torso, making him shiver.
Rey pulled away slightly and looked down. Every stitch of her clothing except her underwear was already off, thrown over the edge of the bed.
She looked over at Ben. She’d ripped off his basketball shorts and shirt at some point, too. He was down to only his boxer briefs.
His eyes were darting across her prone body on the bed. He groaned softly, absently rubbing his hand over the bulge in his boxers while he took her in.
“Ben?” she asked shyly, trying to catch her breath. “I…” She wasn’t sure how to say what she wanted to ask. And she didn’t want to pressure him in any way.
But she was ready. She’d thought about it a lot lately. She was a virgin. They both were.
And she’d already given so much to him, shared so much, and wanted this next step to be with him too.
It felt right.
Taking a deep breath, she blurted out, “Doyoumaybewanttohavesexwithme?” And cringed, flushing with embarrassment. It was the absolute worst delivery she could have done.
She covered her face with her hands, even though it was just Ben. After a second, she felt his hand carefully peel her hands back from her face. She grimaced, opening one eye and then the other.
Head propped on one hand, he looked directly into her eyes. His hand had slipped out of her panties a moment ago and was softly stroking her stomach.
“Yes.”
Again, he didn’t hesitate, not even for a second. He never did with her. In fact, it seemed almost as if he were waiting for her to ask.
“I— you do? You’re ready?” She stammered.
He smiled shyly at her, taking in her confusion. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you, too. But I didn’t know how to bring it up without it feeling like I might be pressuring you.”
“Oh, no, Ben, I know that. I want to— want to with you. Are you sure? I know you said that it’s hard for you to be intimate with someone unless you feel very connected. I don’t want you to feel pressured either,” she said earnestly.
She’d never forgotten what he told her during their first kiss at the waterfall. It had made her feel very, very special.
“Rey,” he squeezed her hand that lay between them, “ I’ve never felt like this about anybody. I never want to feel like this about anybody else. Of course, I want that with you.”
She didn’t understand why he thought she was so worthwhile, and a wave of insecurity hit her.
“Ben, you know I’m just some grubby foster kid, right? And you’re you. You have everything going for you, and such a bright future ahead. Meanwhile, I don’t even know what I’m doing—“
“Rey,” he interrupted her. “I want you. Just you. You’re it for me.”
It was hard to comprehend that an eighteen-year-old boy could be so sure about things. Then again, deep down in her soul, she knew it too.
She just hadn’t been able to admit it yet.
“Okay,” she breathed, looking up at him through her lashes. Her eyes were a little wet from his words.
He leaned in and gave her a soft kiss over each eyebrow and down to her lips. “I’m ready if you are.”
She let out a shaky breath. “Me too.”
He carefully slid down her underwear then, kissing her the entire time, and then his own. They’d never been completely naked in front of each other before.
She’d known how large he was already, but her eyes still widened as his cock sprung from his waistband as he pulled them down. She had a terrifying moment of realization, that he was somehow fitting that inside her.
But she knew there was nobody else that she’d want her first time with. She knew it would be special for them both, and that he’d take good care of her.
Once they were naked, he climbed over her, kissing down her neck and over to her ear. She whimpered, finding his own ear to nibble on. She loved his big ears and knew how sensitive they were.
She’d quickly found out that he liked the extra attention there too.
He shuddered as she licked and sucked, groaning into her temple. Eventually, he pulled away to trail his lips down her chest, taking a nipple into his mouth and gently scraping his teeth over it the way she liked.
She moaned, toes curling at the sensation of him sucking on one and rubbing over another with his fingers, rough and calloused from playing the guitar.
He moved that hand down to slide his thumb over her clit, gently pushing a finger inside. She was so sensitive there that it made her clench around him immediately.
“Fuck, Rey. You're still so tight,” he uttered lowly. “I’m gonna take some time to open you up.”
He didn’t move right away, searching her face before moving his fingers in and out of her body.
She looked down at his waist then, noticing how hard he was. Ben seemed to like the noises she made too, because his cock twitched in response whenever a moan or a sigh escaped her.
He kept going, with two fingers and then three. It was a stretch like it always was, but he made sure to find that extra sensitive spot inside her that felt so good.
Reaching over, she grabbed his cock and gave it a few strokes while his attention was between her legs. Ben shuddered.
“Rey, I love when you touch me.”
She smiled softly. “Me too.” Other words rose unbidden from her heart, bubbling up into her throat. She blinked.
The feeling had been there for a while, but this was the first time she had almost said it. Admitted it out loud. Admitted it at all.
She kept stroking him, softly and gently too, the same way he was touching her. Liquid beaded up at the tip, which she loved. It was a sign that he was really aroused on when it started dribbling out like that.
Suddenly, his cock twitched in her grip, and he immediately took his hand out of her, setting it over hers to halt her movements. “It feels so good, Rey, so good. But you have to stop, or this will be over before I can get inside you.”
Then he grinned sheepishly, showing his adorable, crooked teeth. “Do you feel ready to try?”
She nodded quickly, wanting nothing more than to feel him inside her for the first time.
He grabbed a condom from the bedside table, muttering something about how Han had bought them one day, and shoved them awkwardly into Ben’s chest.
Ben rolled over so that his body covered her own. Hovering, he kissed her one last time before lining himself up and pushing inside.
Rey was wet from Ben working her up, but it stung at first. As he slowly worked his way into her, she realized that it felt good, too.
He groaned, stilling inside her once his hips were flush with hers. They kissed each other, and Rey whispered his name into his mouth.
She had never felt so close to anyone before, and she teared up again, looking at him.
“Rey, don’t cry— does it hurt?” he looked concerned, moving as if to pull away, and she wrapped her arms and legs around him tighter.
“No, I mean, maybe a little, but it’s not that. I’m just… happy. It feels right, you know?”
She could see on his face that yes, he knew exactly what she meant. She kissed him again and nudged his nose. “I'm ready whenever you are.”
He let out a shaky breath and pulled his hips back. Their bodies slowly figured out a rhythm as he thrust in and out of her. Before long, they were moving together, completely lost in each other, as close as two people could be.
He started grinding against her in a new way, by accident at first. But once he heard the noises that came out of her mouth, he didn’t stop, thumbing over her clit again between thrusts.
By then, he kept having to pause and slow down so he wouldn’t come before she was ready. He hastily grabbed the base of his shaft and apologized at one point, but Rey didn’t care.
She knew the first time wouldn’t be perfect. They were both figuring this out together. And the fact that he was enjoying this so much with her that he could hardly control himself? That made her belly tingle with warmth
Suddenly, something inside Rey twitched a few times. It started to feel really, really good. They’d made each other come before, many times, so she knew what was about to happen.
But it felt so different with him inside her.
So much better.
“I’m gonna come, Ben,” she breathed out. His hips stuttered at her words, but he kept rubbing her in just the right places - outside with his hand, and inside with his cock.
“You are? Dammit Rey, saying that to me is gonna make me come too.”
If he said anything more after that, it was lost. A wave of pleasure washed over Rey, and she cried out, clenching around his cock.
It felt so different than her fumbling masturbation or their exploration of each other’s bodies. It was perfect.
She whimpered, clinging to him as she rode out her orgasm. He rooted himself inside her as far as he could go and gasped. Dimly, she heard him grunt lowly in her ear, hips twitching against hers.
It was the hottest sound she’d ever heard.
After they both came back down, Ben pecked her nose before sitting up and grabbing the base of his cock. He pulled carefully out of her and disposed of the used condom.
Rey wasn’t sure what to expect next, but he came back and pulled her close. They didn’t speak, didn’t need to right away.
Just held each other.
Finally, Ben broke the contended silence. “Rey?”
“Mmmm?” She answered sleepily. It was so late, she should leave soon, sneak back home, but she couldn’t leave Ben yet.
She heard him swallow, and then he said, “I love you.”
Rey’s stomach flipped, and she breathed in sharply.
Before she could respond, he rushed on, “I know it’s soon, I know it might be too fast, and I know it’s a total cliche to admit it after having sex.”
He chuckled at himself. “But, I do. And I can’t hold it in anymore. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m crazy about you, Rey.”
He stopped abruptly after that, seeming to realize that he’d been rambling.
Rey couldn’t hold it in herself, having known that what she was feeling for Ben was way more than friendship, or even infatuation. She had tried her best to keep from falling, and it still happened.
“I— I love you too, Ben,” she whispered. The words were foreign on her tongue. Rey couldn’t remember ever feeling loved and telling someone she loved them in return.
He sighed happily, nuzzling her neck as they cuddled together. Words weren’t really needed after that. Not between them.
The next day though, in a moment of clarity, she realized that it would only make things hurt worse in the end.
Then again, why couldn’t she just be happy for once instead of afraid? She’d been left behind before. She could handle it again. It was worth it to have all this with Ben, she reminded herself.
But everything had a bittersweet tinge, knowing that their expiration date inched ever closer.
🫧
Things fell apart a few weeks later, shortly before Ben was due to leave for college.
The college that was half a world away.
She’d always been aware that his family expected him to attend this school. That they had for years. He’d told her about it himself soon after they’d met.
He’d also mentioned it less and less as the summer went by, which made it easier for Rey to forget that all of this was very, very temporary.
Rey was an expert at avoiding things. So it allowed her to forget until she couldn’t.
They drove out to the waterfall that day, sitting on the hood together like they always did, fingers twined together. Rey tilted her head back, letting the sun warm her face, when she heard Ben say quietly, “I don’t want to leave.”
“Hm— What?”
“I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to go away to school.” He sounded determined now.
“I know, Ben, me either,” she responded sadly, dreading the conversation to come.
Honestly, she was surprised that he suddenly brought it up like this, after weeks of not mentioning it. He must have been pretending it wasn’t happening, just like she was.
“No, Rey. Listen, I don’t have to go. I’ve been thinking, and we can— we can make this work. I know you have a whole other year of school before graduating and—“
An unpleasant feeling settled in her stomach.
“Do you mean, like a long-distance thing, Ben? I don’t want to keep you from living your life, you’re going halfway around the world.”
The words killed her to say, but she had to. He deserved nothing less than to be set free, not be tied down to this place.
“No, not like a long-distance thing,” he said slowly, eyeing her. “I mean, there are other options I’ve looked into.”
Rey’s heart jumped into her throat. What other options did he mean?
“And worst case scenario, even if I do leave, I’m pretty sure I can transfer back to the local school within a few months. I could be so close, Rey, at the community college until you graduate or the local school a little further away. Then we can go somewhere together - both of us.”
Horrified, Rey began shaking her head before he’d finished speaking.
“Ben, no. You can’t do that, this is your dream. Your future. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go to college at all, you can’t plan your future around me.”
She took her hand back from his, digging her nails into her leg so that something else would hurt besides her heart. He noticed what she was doing, and gently took both of her hands back in his, lifting them off the hood and pressing them to his chest.
“Rey, you’re my future, too. I want you to be. I love you so much, I know you’re it for me. We’re meant for each other. I’ve never been so sure of anything.”
She felt the same way, and it crushed her to hear that what she’d always hoped for was so close and so out of reach at the same time.
“Ben, I…”
He rushed on. “If that doesn’t feel right for us, I can still defer for a year. Stay here and work. We can be together while you finish high school. Then, we can figure out where to be and what we want to do next together.”
Oh no.
He couldn’t. She couldn’t. She refused to allow him to throw away his future at 18 years old. Not for her. She needed to make him understand before he did something stupid.
So she smiled sadly once more. “Ben, you can’t.”
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, Rey. I don’t want you to think this is an impulsive decision. I decided, and I’m going to talk to my mom, but I wanted to tell you first and…”
He kept going, kept talking about how his plans had changed because he wanted to be with her that much. Tears began flooding her eyes.
The irony was painful. But she loved him. She loved him so much that she could be selfless for him.
She couldn’t let him stay.
“No. I won’t let you do this to yourself. I’m not worth this. You need to go live your life, Ben.”
He stared at her, shocked.
“But, Rey,” he said softly, “we can do this. I want this, want to be with you. Long distance would never be enough for me. And I don’t think I could stand being apart that much, I’ll never be able to get home! The school calendars work completely differently over there.”
Rey knew that.
At that moment, she almost regretted not pushing him away sooner. It would have been easier, not knowing the full extent of what she’d be losing.
She watched the waterfall for a moment before answering, “I know. That’s why we can’t do it, Ben. And you can’t stay here. You’d end up resenting me one day for everything you gave up.”
“No, I wouldn’t. I can’t imagine ever feeling like that. We’d have each other and that’s what matters,” he swore.
“But, you might. And just the possibility of that, and of me holding you back from your dreams, is enough for me to not let it happen.”
“I’ll stay anyway,” he said stubbornly. “It’s my choice.”
“I won’t let you,” she retorted. “I wouldn’t be with you anyways, and I’d never be able to forgive you, or myself for holding you back. You can’t stay.” Her chin wobbled.
He looked devastated. “Is this it, then? Are— are we done?” He whispered.
“I— no. I think that when you leave for school, you need to be free to live your life for yourself. Otherwise, you won’t even enjoy where you are. Go live, Ben. Don’t let me hold you back. I’m just some scruffy foster kid, remember?” She tried to joke, letting out a watery laugh.
“No you’re not,” he said heatedly, shaking his head. “Not to me.”
Rey looked back at him defiantly, refusing to be the thing that held him back. Rey wanted him to do all the same things he’d planned to do before he ever met her.
“Rey, I’d be living a half-life without you in it!” He shouted.
“I won’t let you do this to yourself. Not now. The timing is all wrong. You have to go.”
His voice was unsteady as he asked, “But, it’s not goodbye forever? It’s just the wrong time?” Gripping her shoulders, his eyes searched her face.
“Yes,” she sighed. “It’s not the right time for us. You must see that, deep down.”
He was quiet for a long time, then he held her as tears fell from both their eyes. Rey could tell that on some level he saw that she was right.
He didn’t want to leave her, she knew that. And god, she didn’t want him to leave either. But she also didn’t want to poison their relationship, having him look back in regret one day.
They went home that night and whispered how much they loved each other. Over the next five days, they spent every second together that they could. Loved each other in every way they knew how. Cried and laughed and lived.
But she also felt each of them beginning to pull away, trying to protect their hearts. The perfect summer had come to an end.
As painful as it was, Rey never questioned whether this was the right decision for them. She loved him so much and didn’t regret a thing, except that their timing was wrong.
And she was a big believer in fate. If they were meant to be, Rey knew they would find their way back to each other at the right time. She’d told him that, believing it wholeheartedly.
The day he left for Alderaan, they held each other as long as they could, before Ben’s dad honked the horn and yelled that Ben was going to miss his flight.
He kissed her one last time, telling her fiercely, “Rey, you know I’m not going to forget you, right? I won’t forget us. I’ll be back for you, I promise. This isn’t the end.”
He tilted her chin up to meet her eyes. His warm, brown eyes that she loved. Rey could see that he believed every word he’d said.
But so many empty promises had been thrown her way in life. It was hard to believe that anyone would want her enough to come back.
But if anyone ever did, it would be Ben. Even if they took the long way back to each other.
She watched him drive away. He looked back at her with tearful eyes. Taking quick, shallow breaths to keep from breaking down, she waved until he was out of sight. Gulping down air, she fell on the ground, sobbing, as soon as the truck was gone.
As heartbroken as she felt, Rey knew she’d do it all over again the exact same way. She couldn’t fathom her life without Ben in it, even if it was only as a memory. No matter what, she’d always have that.
Maybe she should have pushed him away, tried to avoid this somehow. But she hadn’t, and she was glad for it. Even though it wasn’t the right time for them.
Not yet.
⏳