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Kai doesn't understand Soobin sometimes.
"It's just for politics." The younger male looked at the man he knew he loved more than anything else and walked towards him with a whiskey on his hand.
He was selfish.
A hypocrite, and a power greed politician.
Kai should've hated him for even one of those things, but how could he? when he's all Kai could think of every time; he's all Kai could see even when he closes his eyes.
He loves him.
"I know it's just that. . ." Kai's voice fades away like his confidence. He had to say it again didn't he? Soobin never seems to care about what he thinks.
Soobin repressed, "Don't want to yearn for more? aren't you sick of this cramped place?"
Kai opened his mouth, pain flickered to his eyes before it faded. "What do you mean?"
Soobin talks about their house, their home for how many years like it's nothing. Kai treats their place as his refuge, the first place he and Soobin live at, it wasn't fancy, but it was home.
It hurts Kai hearing his lover say that.
The older male took a sip out of his whiskey, "I can't stay in this hole forever y'know? we can't, it's. . ."
Kai frowned, "Why? what's wrong with it?"
Soobin let out a sigh, he must've felt Kai's bubbling anger, "Nothing. I'm sorry."
A silence hangs between them, and Kai could feel the pain in his throat.
"I don't wanna go there." Kai averted his eyes away from Soobin's stare. The younger male muttered under his breath, "You know I hate going to those events."
He could hear Soobin's exasperated sigh again, as if he had enough with him.
"I just need you there as my partner, a lot of important people would be there as well. Is that too much to ask for?" Kai could hear the annoyance lingering through Soobin's voice and it made Kai angry.
What a prick of him.
It's not like Kai hated going to events Soobin had to attend as a running politician; it's just that he hated how Soobin treated him in such places; he knew they would end up fighting after because when Kai even as much as exchange simple greetings towards anyone, Soobin would be fuming with anger.
Kai glared at him, "You wouldn't even let me socialize, what do you want? I couldn't just stand there like your doll."
Soobin furrowed his brows as if he had just heard the most ridiculous thing, "You're mine. It's only natural. I don't want you near those filthy men, they want anything but good."
Kai wanted to say he wasn't Soobin's, he wanted to disagree; he was no one's property, Kai was his own person.
But then it wasn't just anyone who said those words— it was Soobin, and Kai loved him.
If it's Soobin, he doesn't think he minds.
"I know that, but don't you trust me? at least. ." Kai words seemed to fade. They've been here before, talked about this before, but it still manages to hurt Kai no matter what, and it seems like as time goes by it gets more painful— the thought that Soobin hasn't changed.
Not even the slightest.
Soobin clicked his tongue, "I do trust you. What I don't trust is them, don't you understand that?"
Kai's frown deepened, "If you trust me you wouldn't act as if I'd cheat on you the moment I open my mouth to talk to anyone."
"You always make everything difficult." Soobin scoffed, placing the glass of whiskey on their bedside table. "it's not much of a big deal and you're making it one."
Kai raised his eyebrow, feeling angrier, "now I'm difficult? I never ask for anything but for you to give me some freedom!"
They were fighting again.
"And what? you want to talk with those men and act like a fucking..."
Kai's breath hitched, his throat became dry, his eyes were wide with shock, his anger turned into sorrow in a moment before eventually turning into pure hatred.
"Like what?" Kai's voice breaks, and he could feel his eyes burning, brimming with verging tears. "Exactly what, Soobin?"
He could see how Soobin's features become softer, his brows furrowing realizing what he had just intended to say, guilt was plastered all over his face.
The older male inched towards Kai, and the latter could feel the bed dipping when Soobin had scoots beside him.
"... Hey, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry Kai, I—"
Kai couldn't control his tears that had successfully fallen from his eyes, it hurts to cry and Kai hoped he didn't look so pathetic; he wished he wasn't crying, he doesn't want Soobin to see him cry.
He didn't want to seem so affected by those words, by everything- by Soobin.
"G-go away!"
The older male only inched closer, his hands encircling the protesting Kai in his arms. Whispering apologies all over again, "I'm sorry."
Kai bit his lips trying to contain the sounds of his cries, but failing, "W-were always fighting, I don't know wha- what—"
"I didn't mean to hurt you." Soobin hugged him close, burying his nose against the side of Kai's bare neck, "I have always been like this, I'm so sorry. I'm trying."
Kai knew what Soobin meant.
He had always been a bad person; Soobin. The first time they met, his beliefs were the complete opposite of Kai's, and he thought– he thought Soobin would change.
He hadn't.
He's still the most greedy, the most insensitive, the same selfish man Kai met from years ago.
Kai wished he didn't love him as much as he does. If he didn't, maybe everything would be a lot easier. Maybe Kai wouldn't cry as much, wouldn't hurt as much as he was feeling now.
He felt stupid. Used.
"I'm s-so tired," Kai sniffles, chest heaving as he cries, "Maybe, let's just end this—"
"No."
Soobin's arms froze. "No."
He let his arms fall as he grabbed Kai's hands, looking at him intently. "I wouldn't let that happen. I love you. I'm so sorry. I must've been foolish to say those things."
Again. They were here again.
"D-don't touch me, I don't want you to-"
But before Kai could finish his words, Soobin had already pressed his lips against his, kissing him roughly as if he had been aching for eternity, as if it was their last kiss.
It happened again. The same scenario repeated itself.
And Kai let him.
Kai bit Soobin's lips hard, intending to bruise them. "I f-fucking hate you, Soobin." He cried again, and Soobin looked into his sobbing face before leaning close to kissing him again.
Soobin licked the younger male's lips, "I'm sorry." He pressed his lips again, biting feverishly onto Kai's lower lip, "I wasn't thinking."
Kai ignored him, he didn't want to cry but his eyes seem to never stop from leaking, "y-you're an asshole. I h-hate you so much."
Soobin took Kai's face, wiping his tears, whispering softly, "I'm sorry."
"I-insulting our home like that, a-and calling me n-names. F-fuck you! Soobin what do you take me for—" Kai didn't had the chance to speak when Soobin took his mouth again, kissing him a lot of softer now, his hands all over Kai, caressing in means of comfort.
The younger male sobbed between Soobin's arms, letting the man he hated and love more than anything else ravished his lips, until he had forgotten everything— he hoped he could.
Soobin wiped the tears from his eyes, looking at him intently, his eyes were a lot more gentle, and Kai wished he couldn't see him.
Cause he knew, when he looked at those eyes, he'd come to forget everything he said- he'd forgive him like nothing happened.
And again, they'll be back at square one.