Chapter Text
Akito realized he was depressed on a random Thursday right before winter started.
He couldn’t really tell when it all started, probably because that’s how he had been feeling for as long as he could remember.
He didn’t know it wasn’t normal until Toya told him.
They were at Weekend Garage waiting for An and Kohane to get there, rambling about their days and eating pancakes like every normal Thursday.
“If I fail this test I swear I’m gonna kill myself, I studied way too much to get a bad note.”
Akito tried to steal one of Toya’s pancakes but was stopped by his partner’s hand.
His face may have looked normal to everyone else, but Akito could decipher Toya’s expressions perfectly most of the time.
A slightly furrowed brow. A very small pout. A grip on his hand a little bit tighter than usual.
Toya was seriously concerned.
But he didn’t understand why he looked concerned. Luckily, Toya answered his question before he even asked.
“You worry me sometimes, Akito. You joke way too much about ending your life. And it’s not a normal thing, you know.”
No, he didn’t know.
“There are times when I can’t tell if it’s truly a joke.”
He didn’t know either. Sometimes he wished he got crushed by a meteorite.
But he wasn’t telling him that.
“I’m fine, Toya, I promise. Don’t worry about me.” He smiled and slowly moved his fork to Toya’s plate.
This time, he actually managed to steal a pancake and Toya’s face shifted. He looked annoyed, so Akito took one of his own strawberries and put it on his partner’s plate.
An and Kohane arrived shortly after and practice went really well, so Akito didn’t think about that conversation until Toya hugged him a little bit tighter than usual at the bus stop before leaving.
“You know you can talk to me if you need help, Akito. If you feel depressed, don’t do anything impulsively, we’ll figure it out together.”
Akito really tried not to overthink it on his walk home. He failed miserably.
Toya had used the word depressed. But he wasn’t, right?
Depression was a real thing that a lot of people struggled with. He was just tired and liked dark humor. Besides, Ena joked about wanting to disappear all the time and no one ever told her she was depressed.
They were fine. He was fine. Just tired and a little bit sad.
But he couldn’t stop himself from sending a message to Toya asking him to clarify.
From: toya<3
I don’t know how to explain it, something felt off today.
At first, I thought something bad had happened, for example, an argument with your dad, but you didn’t mention anything.
You looked… sadder? than usual.
And if nothing triggered it and it came out of nowhere, it could be depression.
You also have a very annoying habit of keeping your feelings to yourself.
So I thought telling you that may help you open up whenever you need it.
I will always be here if you need me.
From: akito
ty dude
i swear im ok
dont worry
Akito may or may not have blushed after realizing that Toya noticed every small change in his behavior.
He knew no one else did because every time he was visibly sad, An would hug him way too tightly.
He decided to ignore his absolutely non-existent depression and think about his overwhelmingly existent crush on Toya.
He didn’t even have to try. His mind always wandered back to Toya, even when he didn’t want to.
He always ordered extra pancakes because he knew Akito would steal them.
His smile was the most beautiful thing this world could offer.
Akito was very much in love.
It’s a pity he doesn’t love me back.
He only noticed Ena waiting for him at the door because she shouted at him.
“Are you ever gonna confess?”
“Hi, Ena, how are you doing? I’m fine, thanks for asking. How did you know I was thinking about him?”
Ena rolled her eyes and hit the back of his head very lightly.
“You’re over the moon, Akito. Your face is all red too.”
He ignored his sister and went to his room. His parents weren’t home yet, so he left his door open.
His relationship with Ena was complicated, but he trusted her. He knew she would respect his privacy.
So he turned his computer on and googled depression symptoms.
He definitely wasn’t depressed, just tired. He just needed confirmation.
And maybe, just maybe, he only searched for it because Toya had asked. Maybe he would’ve pretended not to listen if it was anyone else.
He did identify with some of the things he found, but Google said those symptoms could also be regular exam season sadness.
He was right. He was just tired.
He decided to ignore the test he took. A random internet test couldn’t diagnose him. It did say he had “moderate depression” but again, it was an internet test.
He was fine.
Ena knocked on the open door.
Akito gestured at her to let her come in.
“What do you want?”
“I’m bored so I’m here to annoy you.” She ruffled his hair and looked at his computer. Both of them knew Akito wouldn’t allow it if he didn’t want her to. “A depression test? Really?”
“Shut up, Toya was concerned about me and I’m proving him wrong.”
“Oooh, Toya was concerned about you” she poked his ribs. “I swear to God, if you don’t tell him, I will.”
“If you do that, I’ll kill you.”
“Please do.”
Before Akito could properly defend himself, Ena’s brow furrowed.
“Those results are lowkey concerning.”
“Moderate depression isn’t concerning, Ena, it’s just exams.”
“It says ‘moderately severe depression’, Akito.”
“Yeah. Moderate. I’m fine.”
Ena didn’t say anything else. Arguing with Akito was truly impossible. He was the second most stubborn person she knew, the first one being their dad.
Who probably just arrived given the sounds downstairs.
Ena and Akito looked at each other.
“Just don’t do anything stupid, dumbass.”
She closed the door on her way out.
The rest of the day was uneventful.
His father was in a good mood so he didn’t say any particularly harsh words, just the average rant about him failing too many tests, but he also offered to pay for a tutor.
He really needed to pass that last test. He had sacrificed a lot of sleep for it and he didn’t want to spend more time reviewing the laws of physics.
I swear I’m killing myself if I don’t.
He wasn’t surprised about that thought crossing his mind again. It was a normal thing for him.
Most of the time he didn’t want to actually die, it was like a metaphor or something like that.
The word metaphor probably wasn’t the one he should be using, but he couldn’t remember the proper one.
God, I’m such an idiot.
He remembered what Toya and Ena said.
What could be considered stupid and impulsive? Why would they say that?
He finished his dinner and went to his room to read the whole article the test was in.
It mentioned something about hurting himself, but he wasn’t gonna do anything like that. He was fine.
Well, he wasn’t perfectly fine. Maybe he was a little depressed. But he wasn’t gonna end his life or anything like that. So it meant it wasn’t depression.
It wasn’t serious, so it counted as being fine.
A very tiny part of him knew he wasn’t. He chose to ignore it.
He sent a goodnight text to Toya and went to sleep. He had another test the next day.
He definitely failed that test.
In his defense, math was hard. Numbers were definitely biphobic.
“An arithmetical value can’t be biphobic, Akito.”
“Toya, using the word ‘arithmetical’ is biphobic too.”
They were waiting for An and Kohane just like the day before. This time, Akito barely touched his pancakes and didn’t even try stealing one of the strawberries from Toya’s plate.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
No, he wasn’t. He was frustrated, sad and tired. He was angry at himself for not studying more.
He was scared. He knew his father would get mad.
“A little frustrated, but nothing to worry about, Toya. What’s taking the other two so long?”
If Toya noticed the obvious conversation change, he didn’t mention it.
“I’m pretty sure they’re looking for excuses to be alone.”
Toya and Akito looked at each other.
“I still believe Shiraishi is the one confessing first.” Toya said, pushing his plate to Akito. The redhead took the bait and poked a strawberry with his fork.
“Dude, I told you, An quite literally melts every time Kohane looks at her.”
Just like I do when you look at me, he wants to say.
“She doesn’t have the guts.”
Neither do I.
“Kohane will be the one confessing.”
I wish I could. I don’t wanna ruin this.
They debated about it for half an hour and agreed to bet on it. The loser would pay for the winner’s food next time they went to eat together.
Akito didn’t notice, but during the conversation, he finished both plates of pancakes.
It took An and Kohane another fifteen minutes to get there. Both of them were blushing. A lot.
Before going with the boys, they went to the counter and said something to Ken, who smiled and ruffled An’s hair.
Akito and Toya looked at each other.
One of them may get free dinner.
“Took you long enough.” Akito said when their teammates sat with them.
“Kohane and I are dating.”
An’s face was red as a tomato but Kohane looked surprisingly normal.
The lack of reaction from the two boys said enough.
“Congratulations, it was about damn time. Let’s start practicing, you can tell us the details later.”
No one complained. There were too many people around. People they all trusted, but if the Vivids started answering all the questions, they wouldn’t have time for even half a song.
Practice went well.
Akito was still mad about his test but he didn’t let it affect his singing, which meant he was absolutely, totally and perfectly fine.
Toya suggested going out to dinner to celebrate. Akito texted his dad to let him know that he was gonna be late. The plain ok that he got for an answer wasn’t unusual.
He always thought his father was weird. Akito never asked him to allow him to go places, he just told him, no matter the time and place.
Toya practically had to beg his parents for permission sometimes.
“Why the long face?” An asked.
He didn’t answer. Being sad for his dad letting him go everywhere was weird.
Being visibly sad about it was even worse.
He decided to postpone his crisis. Now, he needed an excuse to look sad.
“He failed his math test.” Toya said.
Thank god for Toya.
“Dude, it’s not your fault” An patted his back. “Numbers are both lesbophobic and biphobic.”
“A number can’t be homophobic, love.”
Kohane’s pet name made An trip on air. Akito and Toya looked at each other and then at their friends.
“Stop staring, it’s lesbophobic and misogynistic.” Kohane took her girlfriend’s hand.
“So a number can’t be homophobic but I can?”
“Exactly.”
They argued like every single day, but every five minutes, Kohane would interrupt them and defend her girlfriend.
She also emphasized the word girlfriend a lot.
An was a mess.
I want what they have. But I can’t ruin what we have now.
Everyone pretended to believe him when he reiterated he was sad because of the math test.
The second they got to the diner they chose, An started spilling the details.
Apparently, she was the one who said “I like you” first, but Kohane had kissed her and expressed all her feelings before An got out of her trance.
“So. How do you define ‘confession’?” Who confessed first?”
Akito had ordered a small sandwich, which wasn't really expensive. Toya had a burger with some fries, but because of the happy hour or something like that, it was the same price as Akito's meal.
It wasn't about the money.
It was about being right.
And Akito Shinonome was always right.
"An-chan did."
"Nuh-uh. That wasn't a confession if you compare it to yours, Kohane."
"But you said it first."
"But you said it better."
The Vivids were sharing one of those massive burgers with four beef patties and a million fries on the side.
They were feeding each other the fries, stealing bites of their burgers halves and stealing kisses from time to time.
"Oh my god. We're fucked, Toya. They're already insufferable."
Toya laughed and pushed his plate to Akito so he could steal some fries.
Was it a sign? A metaphor? Or was he just being nice?
He would never know.
An and Kohane were still debating who confessed first, so they didn't notice anything.
"You did, An-chan."
"No! It was you, Kohane!"
Toya took a deep breath, loud enough to distract their friends.
"Draw?"
The Vivids looked at each other and answered at the same time.
"Draw."
Akito wasn't completely happy with it, but it was three against one. It was fair enough.
When they got the check, Toya paid for everything with his card. Akito still couldn't believe he had one, but that was a crisis for another day.
I should stop postponing my crisis.
When Akito gave Toya the money for his burger, their hands brushed for just a second, but it was enough to make him short-circuit.
He was fucked.
Akito got home at midnight. Ena was waiting for him, eating a slice of cheesecake.
His dad was probably sleeping.
Good.
They could gossip properly.
“Kohane and An are officially dating.”
Ena ran to his side, demanding the details. Of course, he had permission from his friends to tell her, but something about Ena’s reaction felt weird.
“So the Vivids won again.”
“Excuse me?”
“An confessed and has a girlfriend now. You didn’t. And you’re alone and pining. The Vivids won again. Well, sapphics in general.”
So in Ena's eyes, An confessed first.
Typical Ena. Going against him.
“Sapphics will win the day you confess to Akiyama. By the time that happens, I’ll already be married to Toya.”
Ena hit Akito’s head.
Akito kicked Ena’s foot.
The fight was inevitable.
Of course, they never used force, pulled their hair or tackled each other. It was just a silly, harmless fight.
Until Akito hit Ena’s arm and she winced.
Seeing her brother’s worried face, she rolled up her sleeve and showed him a small bruise.
“I fell down the stairs today.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Maybe.”
Something was definitely wrong with Ena. Yes, she was in the kitchen because Akito hadn’t arrived yet, and yes, cheesecake never lasted long in the Shinonome household, but she was usually careful enough not to fall down the stairs. She wasn’t that much of an idiot. Unless…
“Are you stress-eating cheesecake again?”
“Shut up.”
Bingo.
Ena was careless whenever she got sad or stressed, like she couldn’t focus on not falling or, maybe, couldn’t care less. Back in elementary school, she used to be completely covered in bruises.
Akito used to be worried sick all the time. Now, he was just worried.
She would be fine if Akito bought more cheesecake.
Ena unlocked her phone and showed her brother a series of texts from their father. Shinei had entered her room when she wasn’t home. He had seen one of Ena’s new paintings and criticized it. Very harshly.
Akito’s eye twitched.
“I swear to god, I will scream at him if he does this again.”
Ena rolled her eyes and hit her brother again.
It was a sensitive topic and she wanted to avoid it as much as she could.
Akito couldn’t blame her.
Their fight continued for a bit, right until 25:00.
Akito got into his room, but before closing the door, he smiled at his sister.
“If you really want sapphics to win this one, confess to Akiyama right now.”
“Good night, Akito, sleep well, sweet dreams, don’t let the bed bugs bite you, fuck off.”
Akito tucked himself into bed and opened his clock app, setting an alarm for a little bit earlier than usual.
Knowing how long it always took him to actually shut his brain up, would only get four hours of sleep, but he didn’t care. Buying more cheesecake for his sister was way more important.
He could use the serotonin too.
He should’ve been happy. He was happy.
An and Kohane were his two closest friends, not counting Toya. Their happiness was his own. And he really wasn’t mad about them getting together first. They were all jokes and he was aware of that.
Besides, the sapphics were really going to win because he was never, ever confessing to Toya.
Yes, he had said his friends were insufferable, but he didn't really mean it. Seeing them act so in love was adorable.
He really was happy for them. He had been happy in general, despite his failed math test.
But of course, his father had managed to ruin his day. And this time, he didn’t even had to say anything.
It actually was because he didn't say anything.
Ken was ready to pick the four teens up from the diner had it been necessary.
Kohane’s dad waited for her at her train station.
Harumichi… he was never happy about Toya going out, but he waited for him to get home. It was something, at least.
But Shinei?
He had gone to sleep. He didn’t even ask where his son was going. Akito was sure he could tell him he’d go to the most dangerous part of town to buy drugs and sell his liver and his father would still answer with that plain ok.
Not only that, he would probably scream at him for picking the wrong drugs or something.
Okay, maybe I am exaggerating too much. He’s not heartless. He does care.
But did he?
A father who cared wouldn’t get into his daughter’s room without permission only to criticize her art and call her talentless.
A father who cared wouldn’t tell his son that his career choice would starve him to death knowing damn well that multiple people before him succeeded.
If Shinei really cared, he would try to understand his children and give them advice in a better way.
But he didn’t.
And because of that, Akito wished he was dead every night before falling asleep.
Maybe I am depressed.
He checked his phone.
“The alarm will ring in three hours and seven minutes.”