Work Text:
If Akutagawa had been told a few months ago that he would find himself sitting next to Atsushi in the offices of the Detective Agency, he would have told that person they were crazy and beaten them up for even hinting that such a thing might happen.
Maybe the world really is full of surprises.
"Five-letter word for horned animal, for short," he says aloud, touching the tip of his nose with his pencil.
"I'm trying to work here," Atsushi replies without looking up, reviewing a report.
"I do not know if you are aware, but you are the one who insists on keeping me here against my will," he grumbles, turning his attention back to the crossword puzzle he's trying to solve.
"Rhino," Kunikida says from across the room, typing something on his computer like a madman. It's a surprise that the keyboard isn't absolutely smashed. "R, H, I, N, O."
"Thank you."
The first few days of his presence there had been confusing, to say the least. Kunikida used to watch him as if he expected him to jump on a desk ready to rip the head off anyone who crossed his path, Ranpo stared at him silently in an eerie way, and Yosano always asked him if he had no interest in helping her with things that included the loss of several limbs. For his part, Kenji kept asking if he didn't want to join the Agency and seemed so deeply disappointed every time his answer was negative that he even began to consider it.
(At times he feels that death has made him softer; in general, he thinks that dying and coming back to life has made many things that would have bothered him before now appear as unimportant.
Who would have thought that to change a little he just needed to die).
Maybe it's because everyone at the Agency is used to being surrounded by people who used to be on the enemy side—Dazai, Kyouka, the red-haired girl from the Guild, the man with the raccoon—, but no one seems to think much of the fact that Akutagawa is there. Once they were sure he had no intention of doing something stupid, they moved on to the stage where they ignore his presence most of the time.
It's interesting, to say the least. Not that Akutagawa is bothered by the normality with which they handle themselves around him, even knowing that he was the one who had tried to kill several of the people there, but perhaps the fact that the person he had tried to kill the most was the one who insisted on keeping an eye on him plays quite a bit in his favor.
"Six-letter word. Example: Trip to the bank," Akutagawa says next, though he does so only to annoy his partner.
"Goddammit, Akutagawa." Atsushi drops the papers on the desk and gives him an annoyed look. Akutagawa watches him without reacting, expressionless.
"Can I go back to my work?"
"No. Executive Nakahara says you still have a week left of your mandatory rest."
Akutagawa sighs and sinks into the chair, dropping his head back. He doesn't understand why he has to rest. Yes, he died, and then came back as a vampire, but he's doing well now; he doesn't think any of this is needed. Before Atsushi plotted with Gin and Chuuya to prevent him from continuing to work, his performance had proven to be as good as ever. At least he wanted to believe so.
(This situation just makes him think about how easy it would be to replace him, should they want to dispose of him. If they could deal with not having him on the field now, they could do it whenever they pleased.
There are a lot of things that stopped mattering to him when he came back to life. The possibility of becoming useless and dispensable is not one of them.)
"Errands," Kyouka answers, leaning out from behind her desk.
Akutagawa gives her a thumbs-up and seems to notice a small smile on her face as she goes back to hiding behind the computer. He used to think that his presence there might be uncomfortable for her, but so far, Kyouka has shown no signs of even caring. It's better that way. There were enough consequences of Osamu Dazai's presence in his life as it is; he definitely wouldn't want to become him.
Speaking of Dazai, Akutagawa can't help but wonder how on earth he can keep his job if he never shows up and, on the days when he does, does anything but work. If he wasn't so smart and, therefore, useful, he'd be living in a shoebox.
"Atsushi, you have to meet the police in half an hour," Kunikida reminds him, always without taking his eyes off his computer. Maybe Ranpo and Dazai can afford to do nothing because Kunikida is obsessed with doing everything.
"Right." Atsushi jumps up and Akutagawa mimics him, but he puts a hand on his chest and pushes him gently. "Where do you think you're going?"
"With you."
"No. The idea is for you to rest, not to do work somewhere else."
"But…"
"Go sit on the sofa."
Akutagawa clenches his jaw. Technically, he could get out of there and go to his job if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to have to face the anger of Atsushi, Gin, and Chuuya combined. Gin is terrifying on her own, Chuuya yells too much and Atsushi..., is Atsushi. So, displaying an obedience that no one would have suspected he was capable of, he goes to sit on the couch.
He follows Atsushi with his eyes until he leaves and then goes back to concentrating on the crossword puzzle. He has already completed three that day and still has several hours to go before he can leave.
He's never going to admit it, but part of his willingness to play along with Atsushi on this whole "if you get out of my sight for a second I'll beat you up" thing is due to a small twinge of guilt. He has no regrets about his decisions. He doesn't regret sacrificing himself, convinced that would be the end of him, for the sake of keeping him alive. The sacrifice of a sinner at the feet of a saint can never be considered a tragedy. But the truth is that it made him suffer, and he, who always thought that to die would be to rid the world of a plague, was not prepared to deal with anyone seeing his death as anything but a relief. Or to deal with the consequences of dying in general.
Nothing prepares you for coming back to life and finding that the person who should have been most glad to see you go is the one who is most grateful that you are back.
This is another consequence of coming back being softer: he doesn't want to worry anyone again. Before, that worry would have been insulting to him, because worrying was the same as implying that he is too weak to cope with the situations he has to live with. Now, he still doesn't know how to take it at all.
("I worry about you because you're my brother," Gin had once told him, and he hadn't understood what she meant.
Maybe he understands now. Concern and affection go hand in hand. He doesn't know how to receive either, but he's trying to convince himself that how others feel about him is none of his business.
Others don't care whether he thinks he is worthy of their affection or not: they feel it, that's it. He is not the one to decide on the emotions of others, no matter how foolish he considers them for even thinking of him as anything more than a dog that bites the hand that feeds him).
Not even ten minutes pass since Atsushi's absence before Ranpo walks up to him and smacks him on the forehead with his index finger. The first few times he did something like that Akutagawa was startled and watched him as if he were crazy, but he's been there for a week now, dealing with all of them, and he's starting to get used to their various strange behaviors. What would have exalted him before now barely makes him look up.
"Since you're here playing office plant, you might as well occupy your time with something better and join me."
He blinks.
"Excuse me?"
"I have to go do something quite important, you see, but learning how public transportation works is boring and takes time I'd rather spend on more interesting things. So you'll accompany me."
It's not like he's leaving him much choice, so he ends up agreeing. He doesn't have anything else to do, and it wouldn't hurt to walk around a bit. At least someone is going to free him from the confinement Atsushi is subjecting him to.
Well.
That may not have been the best idea.
Not that accompanying Ranpo was bad per se. Yes, it's like dealing with a small child, but Akutagawa doesn't mind it too much. Besides, it's quite entertaining to watch him in action, and he seems to know it. He's always up for a show.
The problem is, when he returns to the office, he's greeted with a blow to the head courtesy of Atsushi.
"Where were you?" he says, noticeably upset, and Akutagawa sees that his hair has stood up a little. Like a cat.
"Ranpo asked me to accompany him," he says, nodding at him, but Ranpo doesn't stop to defend him. He seems more interested in checking his candy jar.
"I told you to stay on the couch."
"I can't stay and live on the couch," he complains, frowning, and he's seriously trying to understand that he's just worried, that he goes to these extremes because he's aware of how incapable Akutagawa is of being careful when he needs to be, but it is not enough to keep the frustration from burning in his chest. "I know I went through a difficult situation, but I'm perfectly fine. I don't need babysitters, weretiger."
"I'm not doing it for you." Atsushi says it as if it's obvious and Akutagawa is an idiot for not noticing. For emphasis, he jabs a finger in the center of his chest and comes so close that Akutagawa finds himself recoiling a little. "I'm doing it for me. For my own peace of mind. I'm sure you understand."
His frown deepens and he opens his lips to say something, anything, but Atsushi covers his mouth with one hand.
"Don't even try to argue. We both know you're like a baby with a fork near a plug. Sorry for wanting to keep an eye on you after you literally died on me."
Rashoumon wraps around Atsushi's wrist and forces him to pull his hand away so his wearer can speak.
"But I survived, or don't you see me here in front of you?"
"You were lucky once, Akutagawa, you are not immortal."
Kunikida clears his throat and that reminds Akutagawa where they are; when he turns to look, he finds that everyone is staring at them. Dazai, Yosano and Ranpo are gathered behind the same desk, head to head, watching them with expressions of similar interest; Tanizaki pretends not to be listening, but watches them out of the corner of his eye; Kenji and Kyouka are crouched behind a desk. Akutagawa hears them whispering, though he cannot make out what they are saying.
"Kyouka!" Atsushi suddenly exclaims, blushing up to his ears, and she stands up with the sole purpose of letting him see her raise her shoulders.
"What did she say?" Akutagawa asks. Atsushi blushes more, if that's even possible.
"You don't care! Shut up. Do me a favor and let go of my arm."
Only then does he realize that Rashoumon is still wrapped around Atsushi's wrist. He forces her to retract and turns around, heading for the chair next to the weretiger's desk, and he too takes a seat to continue his work.
Time passes slowly, Akutagawa grows bored and eventually decides to turn that boredom into Atsushi's problem. Maybe if he burdens him enough he'll eventually let him go.
With that in mind, he waits until Kunikida is no longer watching them and lets Rashoumon get closer to the desk, take one of Atsushi's pens and use it to draw a squiggle on his cheek. It doesn't dig in hard, barely enough to mark his skin. Atsushi jumps in place and turns, baring his teeth in a gesture so feline that Akutagawa has to press his lips together to keep from laughing. He doesn't resist when he snatches the pen from him.
He watches him out of the corner of his eye waiting for him to let his guard down again, and as soon as he tries to concentrate on his paperwork again, Akutagawa lets Rashoumon give him a gentle tug on his hair and tickle the sides of his torso. Atsushi lets out a choked laugh and squirms, clenching his fists to punch him in the arm and chest. Akutagawa kicks him in the calf.
"Atsushi," Kunikida says in a firm voice and they both give a little jump in place. Rashoumon disappears and Akutagawa shrinks back as if he intends to make himself invisible, while Atsushi raises both hands in surrender. "Concentrate on your work."
"But he started it!"
"I literally don't care. He's not the one who gets paid a salary."
Atsushi drops his shoulders in defeat, and Akutagawa makes a point of flashing him his best smile when he looks at him. In response, the weretiger knees him.
This time, when Atsushi makes the effort to turn his attention to his work, Akutagawa decides not to bother him any longer. He has had enough fun.
When it's time to leave, Akutagawa says goodbye to everyone and goes downstairs to go to his apartment. He manages to take two steps in the direction of his apartment before he feels something fluffy wrap around his arm and tug on it.
It's the tiger's tail.
He's talking to the red-haired girl of the Guild, as if completely ignoring the behavior of his animal side.
Akutagawa debates whether cutting off his tail to free himself is a good idea or not in the instant it takes the weretiger to turn and look at him. His tail releases him, but his grip is soon replaced by that of his human hand.
"Gin starts work today, so you're going home with me."
Akutagawa blinks.
"I do not remember agreeing to do such thing. Aren't you too old for sleepovers?"
"It's not a sleepover. I'm going to keep an eye on you."
Akutagawa scoffs, rolling his eyes.
"I don't need you to keep me on watch."
"I already asked Kyouka to go spend the night with Yosano. Indulge me."
A sigh escapes his lips and he takes his arm off his grip, closing his eyes for a moment. He nods, but makes a point of grimacing, so that his displeasure is evident.
Again, he could refuse, if he truly wanted to.
(He has a sneaking suspicion that Atsushi is not sleeping very well lately. Perhaps the two of them could keep an eye on each other.
Or keep each other company during insomnia. It's not like he sleeps more than two hours a night, anyway.)
Atsushi's apartment is small and sparsely decorated, but it's comforting, in a way. It's warm and homey in a way that his own apartment never got to be, too big and cold and too little used for him to manage to fit in.
They both step out of their shoes in the doorway and Akutagawa follows Atsushi in the direction of the kitchen.
"We can order something to eat," Atsushi proposes, sitting down at the small table. "I'm not a good cook, and we haven't done the week's shopping yet, so I doubt there's anything in the cupboards."
Akutagawa is not used to eating dinner. Or eating in general. He tends to forget he needs to, always preoccupied with other things or too distracted to focus on his body's basic needs.
He can't remember the last time he drank water, now that he thinks about it.
"It's your house," he says, "you can do whatever you want."
Atsushi snorts, resting his cheek on one hand.
"You're my guest, you know. You should help out a little."
"I don't see what you could possibly need help with, if you don't plan to cook."
Atsushi wrinkles his nose.
"Sit down, at least. Pretend you don't hate this situation."
Akutagawa sits down. Lately he feels like an obedient dog, which is something he's always been, but it's strange to obey in anything that doesn't involve blood. Especially if that obedience has something to do with self-care.
So many years of Gin fighting to get him to take a little more care of himself for the solution to be this. If someone had told her, she would have tried to kill him sooner.
Atsushi picks up his phone to order the food, putting on an expression of absolute concentration, and Akutagawa just watches him silently. His hair is a little tousled and he has a slight frown on his face. Akutagawa finds himself analyzing the colors of his eyes. Violet and gold. Before all this happened, he never used to stop to admire his partner, but now he has plenty of time for this, considering that he spends most of the day at his side doing nothing but existing alongside him. At another time in his life, the very idea of his existence was enough to generate some sort of completely unjustified hatred in him; nowadays, being next to him did not result in any problem at all. At least not for most of the time.
Yes, he had become softer. Enough so that the idea of softness didn't seem frightening to him. He's still not adjusted to it, but everything in this life is a journey, and he's been too long trudging through far worse.
"What are you looking at?" Atsushi asks without raising his head, and Akutagawa startles a little, as if he's been caught red-handed.
"You," he admits, because the best way to pretend he's not ashamed is to expose the truth. "What else am I supposed to look at?"
Atsushi looks at him, raising his eyebrows lightly, and a small nervous laugh escapes his lips. His cheeks flush pink. Not like Akutagawa is paying attention to that, of course.
Dinner takes place between quiet conversations —if Atsushi talking and Akutagawa nodding, denying, or grimacing can be called a conversation— and moments of silence. It's not awkward or unpleasant, as he thought spending a night for the first time with someone other than Gin or Chuuya might be. Truth be told, Atsushi's company is easy to deal with because he is a familiar presence.
When it gets dark outside, Atsushi lends him some clothes to change into. The outfit consists of gray pants that are too big in the hips for him but too short in the legs and a light blue T-shirt with a giant cat design in the middle. He looks objectively ridiculous, so he spends about fifteen minutes in the bathroom deciding whether it would be a good idea to go out like this or if he should just go to sleep in his outside clothes. He ends up deciding to ignore the fact that he looks pathetic, and when Atsushi tries to laugh in his face, Rashoumon (in light blue and much less fiercely than usual) grabs him by the ankle and knocks him backwards onto the floor.
When Atsushi decides that he will go to sleep in the closet so that Akutagawa can sleep in the room, he makes no effort to pretend that he is the least bit interested in discussing the matter. He doesn't intend to sleep in such a small place. Atsushi says good night quietly and both go to bed, but even before he finishes settling in, Akutagawa is aware that he's not going to sleep.
He would like to blame it on the fact that he is in an unfamiliar place, or that there is a tiger in the closet, but really, this is nothing more than a direct consequence of a lifetime of being alert. As much as he talks about leaving the past behind and not letting who you were define who you should be, the truth is that things are never simple, and he has never overcome his childhood fears. In the slums letting your guard down meant putting your life at risk, and sleeping with no one keeping watch was almost the same as suicide. He, the only one with an intrinsic weapon, was the watchdog for default.
(Sometimes, when they had just joined the mafia, on the nights he and Gin didn't spend apart, they used to take turns standing guard. Even after moving into the apartment, knowing that it was virtually impossible for an enemy to get to them. Childish fears were not meaningless in those days: they were still children).
He stares at the ceiling, listening to the electrical noise of the refrigerator and some sounds coming from the street. He counts his breaths, moves the fingers of his hands. Sleeping has never been easy, but it became an especially difficult task after returning from that state of unconsciousness that was vampirism. If he falls asleep and comes back a bloodthirsty beast, then he will never be himself again.
Minutes turn into hours. The room is almost completely dark. Akutagawa thinks he perceives figures moving in the darkness, but he is used to his imagination playing tricks on him.
Then the closet door opens slowly. Akutagawa turns his face and finds Atsushi, who tries to get out carefully, making as little noise as possible. He raises his head and, as their gazes meet, he stands still, with half his body still inside the closet.
"Hi," he greets.
"Hello to you too."
Atsushi finishes coming out of the closet and stretches, grimacing.
"Can't sleep?" Akutagawa asks, sitting up.
"Mh-hmm. What abot you? Scared to sleep in a new place?"
Akutagawa huffs.
"Maybe I'm scared to sleep with a tiger in the closet."
Atsushi lets out a small laugh.
"I have a rabid dog in the room and I don't make such a fuss." He passes him on his way to the kitchen and turns to look at him before leaving the room. "Do you want tea?"
Akutagawa nods, crossing his legs, clasping his hands in his lap, and watches him leave. A few minutes pass before he returns with two cups in his hands and sits down across from him.
Akutagawa takes the cup Atsushi offers him and smells the aroma of the tea. It smells of jasmine. When he takes a sip the taste is too sweet, but that's just how he's used to drinking it, so he doesn't complain.
There is a moment of silence. All the other muffled sounds are joined by the sound of someone else's breathing. Akutagawa finds himself counting his inhalations and exhalations just as he does with his own.
"Why can't you sleep?" Atsushi asks, closing his eyes, relaxing his body.
Akutagawa takes a moment to answer.
"Old habits," he says, which is a shortened version of the truth, because his honesty has a limit. "What about you?"
"Same thing. Nightmares, sometimes."
Akutagawa nods in understanding. Nightmares are no longer as common in his nights, not as they used to be, but they are still a jumble of his worst memories. He sees faces he can't put names to, blood, death.
"Hey," Atsushi murmurs, leaning in a little closer as if to tell him a secret. As if they weren't alone in a darkened room. "I hope you don't think all this overprotectiveness is because I doubt your ability to protect yourself in the face of danger. I don't. Neither do Executive Nakahara nor Gin, for that matter." He scratches his cheek with his index finger, looking down into his cup. "I meant it when I said I only do it for my own peace of mind."
Akutagawa watches him silently because he doesn't know what else to do. He has a tendency toward brute honesty, but he doesn't know how to deal with the genuine feelings of others. Not when they are positive. He can deal with hatred and loathing; his skin is thick, the walls lining his own emotions are high. Letting down the walls for the sake of having a heart-to-heart conversation is a different matter.
"When everything happened I... I didn't have time to deal with it. But once things calmed down, once everyone was back to normal, I couldn't stop thinking about it. All of it. I didn't even know if you had survived until Dazai told me. And you were still working, even though you had literally died, and I didn't want to have to face the possibility of something happening to you. I still don't want to."
"You can't keep me by your side forever."
"Believe me, I know," Atsushi whispers, grimacing. "But sometimes I need to keep you close to convince me that you're really here. It wouldn't be the first time I've seen people who aren't here anymore."
Akutagawa reaches out and takes one of Atsushi's hands. His hands are warm. He startles, but does not pull away from his touch.
"I'm here," he says. Atsushi knows this, he doesn't need to reaffirm it, but he feels the need to do so.
"You're freezing," he comments in response.
"All the time, yes."
Atsushi laughs, and the laughter soon turns to tears, and Akutagawa doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't need to do anything, though, except move his teacup out of the way the instant Atsushi lunges at his body and wraps his arms around his neck. Akutagawa has to use Rashoumon for support to keep from falling backwards to the ground, but he doesn't push Atsushi away.
"You don't know how scared I was," Atsushi says between sobs, hiding his face in the other's shoulder, making himself small against his body. "You asshole. If you ever do anything like that to me again, I'll bring you back to kill you myself."
Akutagawa doesn't reciprocate the embrace, not completely, but rests a hand on his back. Atsushi cries harder.
"I do not feel like dying three times in a row," he murmurs. Atsushi makes a sound that tries to be a laugh, but fails, and Akutagawa strokes his back in circular motions.
They remain like this until Atsushi's crying subsides completely. When Atsushi goes and takes the futon out of the closet to position it in the room, near the futon where Akutagawa is supposed to sleep, both of them make the choice not to comment on it.
"Seven-letter word for Ridiculous."
"What do I know. I'm not a dictionary."
"I hope you know you are not helping at all."
Dazai walks over to Kunikida's desk and sits on it with a smirk.
"Shouldn't you tell Atsushi to get to work?" he says.
Kunikida looks over to the couch, where Akutagawa is sitting and Atsushi is lying with his head in his lap, stretching like a tame cat. He takes a deep breath and exhales the air slowly.
"Let them be," he says, resigned, looking back at his computer. "You should worry more about your own work."
"Oops, I remembered I have business to attend somewhere that is not here!"
On the other side of the office, Kyouka and Kenji are crouched behind her desk again.
"I told you Atsushi likes Akutagawa," she mutters.
"Maybe if he likes him that much we can keep him."
"He's not a pet, Kenji."