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Seungmin hadn’t had sex with any of his boyfriends yet. They’d been dating for three months and he knew that all seven of them had sex at some point, but he’d never felt ready. He worried that he’d panic too quickly and scare his boyfriends, and that was the last thing he wanted. He loved them and he trusted them completely, but the vulnerability that came with having sex was too much for him to handle. Not after his previous boyfriend, Seohee.
Long story short, Seohee was possessive and controlling. A classic case of abuse. He didn’t let Seungmin do certain things and he made him do things he didn’t want to do, like sex. It wasn’t that he wasn’t ready, but Seohee never listened to him whenever he said he didn’t want to. Seohee liked it rough with a few slaps in the mix, the complete opposite of Seungmin who liked praise and softness. Seohee thought punishments were a necessary part of relationships but Seungmin didn’t, and that didn’t end well for Seungmin. They didn’t mix well but that didn’t matter to the other boy.
Today, though, he was feeling pretty good. Finals week was over, he got the grades he wanted, and it was everyone’s second day of complete relaxation together. They cuddled, kissed, watched movies, and made meals together. Everything was comforting and sweet and they all loved it.
It was midday when Seungmin was lounging in bed with Hyunjin and Jeongin. The three of them had just woken up from a nap and were lazily kissing and hugging, nothing important in their minds.
At some point, Seungmin felt Hyunjin grind on his ass from behind. Jeongin was on Hyunjin’s other side and Seungmin had no idea what they were doing. Hyunjin pulled back immediately.
“Shit, sorry, Minnie,” he apologized quickly.
“It’s fine,” Seungmin said, a little surprised. Hyunjin was one of the members with a higher sex drive, so lounging and making out in bed was bound to turn him on eventually.
“You’re sure?” Hyunjin asked carefully. The members never did anything sexual with him that he didn’t initiate or clearly consent to - a handjob or grinding was okay, Seungmin always said, and it was true. He had a sex drive too, naturally.
“Yeah.” Seungmin turned around, feeling himself being aroused at the sight. Jeongin was spooning Hyunjin and his hips were pressed against the older boy’s with his hand around Hyunjin’s waist. Clearly they were both horny.
Seungmin moved a little closer to Hyunjin, encouraging the older boy to continue. Seungmin was comfortable with grinding, finding it nice and pleasurable, but he never went further than handjobs. He’d either go to the bathroom for a few minutes or wait for his boner to go away on its own if he had to, and he didn’t mind. He wished he could do more, but he didn’t trust himself. He didn’t know how he’d react if he went further.
Hyunjin rutted against him again and Jeongin rutted against Hyunjin, all three of them groaning. Heat was pooling quickly in Seungmin’s belly and he could already feel how hard Hyunjin was.
“More,” Hyunjin whined quietly. It must have been a mistake because he gasped afterwards. “I didn’t mean to say that. This is fine.”
Seungmin knew that Hyunjin wanted to go all the way, but Jeongin hadn’t bottomed before - he was also on the asexuality spectrum and he rarely wanted to do anything that sexual - and Hyunjin always topped. Seungmin had bottomed before, technically, just not with his current boyfriends. The thought of it excited him a little bit, like it always did, and his mouth was moving before he realized.
“We can,” he whispered. Hyunjin looked up in shock.
“What?”
Seungmin cleared his throat. “We can… y’know.”
“You’re ready?” Seungmin nodded. Hyunjin looked worried but excited. “You’re sure?”
“Yeah.” He felt great at the moment and he knew he’d be fine. It wasn’t like his previous boyfriend did anything too bad, anyway. There wasn’t much to panic over.
Hyunjin gulped and the lust in his eyes increased. He kissed Seungmin softly, running his tongue along the younger boy’s lips. Hyunjin slowly started grinding again, getting them both more aroused before going further, crawling on top of Seungmin.
Seungmin’s breath hitched from the unfamiliar yet almost familiar feeling, but he relaxed when Hyunjin stroked his side gently.
“How do you… You’re comfortable bottoming?” Hyunjin asked, pulling away. Seungmin nodded. The others knew that Seungmin had dated someone before but he never told them he’d had sex. It’d be weird for him to say that he wasn’t comfortable having sex with them although he had it with someone else before, and he didn’t want to have to explain that.
Jeongin moved on the bed and they both looked at him. “I don’t want sex right now,” he said quietly, laying on his side. He wasn’t hard, apparently. “Can I just… be here for support?”
They thought Seungmin was a virgin, so Jeongin probably wanted to help him in any way possible and Seungmin appreciated it. He knew it’d be different with Hyunjin than it was with Seohee; much softer, kinder, and sweeter. That’s just who Hyunjin was and he fit perfectly with Seungmin.
They both nodded at the youngest and he moved a little closer to hold Seungmin’s hand. Hyunjin and Seungmin kissed for a few more minutes, grinding until they were panting and straining in their pants, before the older boy reached into the nightstand for the lube.
“What’s your color?” They used the traffic light system for things like this but Seungmin hadn’t used it before. Seohee never used any safewords with him and hadn’t gone far enough with his boyfriends.
“Green.”
They both got undressed but Hyunjin kept his boxers on for now and Seungmin left his sweatshirt on. Seungmin had never been fully naked while doing these things - except for with Seohee - because it made him uncomfortable. Too much skin and too exposed. The soft material of his sweatshirt comforted him in ways that even his boyfriends couldn’t.
Hyunjin asked for his color when he laid back down and Seungmin gave the same answer. Seungmin felt his heartrate pick up slightly when Hyunjin held the bottle of lube, but he took a deep breath to calm down. Hyunjin was always gentle with him.
Hyunjin rubbed his thigh and Jeongin’s hand went to his hair, sensing his nervousness. “We’ll take it at your pace, okay? If you say red or yellow or tell me to stop, I’ll stop,” Hyunjin said softly. Much, much different from Seohee.
“Okay,” Seungmin breathed. Hyunjin covered his fingers in lube and warmed it up a little for Seungmin, then he locked eyes with the younger boy. He had one hand holding up one of Seungmin’s thighs while the other moved near his hole.
“Here we go. Just breathe slowly.” Seungmin took a deep breath, not sure what he’d feel. He flinched slightly when Hyunjin’s finger touched his rim, but Hyunjin was looking at him constantly and Seungmin relaxed. Hyunjin made sure there was enough lube before slowly pushing in his index finger.
Not too bad, Seungmin thought. Hyunjin looked down before meeting his eyes again, probably a little confused that he wasn’t a little tighter like a virgin should be. He didn’t say anything, though.
Hyunjin moved slowly and stopped once his finger was fully inserted. “Color?”
“Green.” Seungmin closed his eyes, picturing his boyfriends. The feeling reminded him of Seohee a little bit but not enough that he actually thought about him. This was Hyunjin, after all. His Hyunjin.
Hyunjin stretched him open slowly and carefully with one finger until Seungmin was ready for another. Seungmin was proud of himself; he’d been waiting for this for so long because he thought he’d freak out, but he didn’t. He felt fine, comfortable.
The stretch was worse with the second finger, but that made sense. Seungmin’s eyebrows furrowed and Jeongin kissed his forehead.
“Color?”
“Green.”
Hyunjin waited a few minutes before stretching him more with two fingers. It was a little much for Seungmin, but he knew it would turn to pleasure eventually once he got more used to it.
“You’re doing so good, Seungminnie.”
Seungmin had always enjoyed praise - his boyfriends praised him after passing tests and classes and at different points throughout the day, so they knew that he liked it and it calmed him down. But this situation was different - this was sex, and his brain, of course, had to twist Hyunjin’s words terribly.
You feel so good, Seungminnie.
Seungmin tensed and his breath hitched as his brain associated the feeling and words with Seohee. That was the last thing he wanted to think about.
Hyunjin stopped. “Minnie? What’s your color, baby?”
Seungmin opened his eyes and made eye contact with Hyunjin, calming down. “Green.”
Hyunjin maintained eye contact as he continued, but he didn’t realize that it was the praise that affected Seungmin. Jeongin shifted closer and rested his cheek against Seungmin’s hair, a silent comfort.
When Hyunjin added a third finger, the stretch reminded him of Seohee again. How Seohee spent so little time preparing Seungmin, going from one finger to three within minutes until he deemed Seungmin ready enough. How he didn’t care if Seungmin wanted it or not, thinking that Seungmin was his. How he left Seungmin alone afterwards, claiming he had more important things to do and leaving Seungmin to lay in his own cum and tears until he finally mustered up the energy to clean himself. How Seungmin felt trapped and alone constantly until he couldn’t breathe.
He didn’t realize that his breath was quickening, nor when he started whispering, “Stop, stop, please, stop…”
Hyunjin pulled out quickly and carefully, cupping Seungmin’s face with his clean hand. “Shh, I stopped, baby. You’re okay.”
Seungmin barely heard him, his mind replaying Seohee’s words over and over again. He couldn’t stop the pleas leaving his mouth, the feeling of his stretched-out hole making him uncomfortable and reminding him of his lack of aftercare. He didn’t want to go through that again, he really didn’t. It had been eight months since he was with Seohee but he couldn’t get him out of his head.
Seungmin felt a hand on his cheek and flinched, eyes squeezed shut as a sob left his mouth. “Please, please…” he mumbled, legs curling up towards his torso. If Seohee couldn’t access him and Seungmin cried enough, he might not do anything. Maybe.
You know I don’t like fighting with you. Suck it up.
A hand touched his shoulder and he flinched again, his hands going to his ears and his body rolling onto its side. He knew he was sobbing loudly but he couldn’t stop it. He worried that, if he opened his eyes, he’d see Seohee standing there with a disappointed and upset look on his face. And who knew what he would do to Seungmin for his behavior.
You’re going to regret that, Seungmin.
Seungmin felt a soft blanket being laid over his bottom half. Why would Seohee give me this? Where’s the slap and manhandling? It’s not like Seungmin wanted any of that, of course, but it didn’t make sense otherwise. This wasn’t the usual routine in bed. Seohee was never gentle like this.
Seungmin steeled himself before opening his eyes slowly, looking through blurry eyes. He made out a set of wide shoulders and light brown hair standing in front of him. Just like Seohee.
Seungmin scrambled backwards awkwardly, trying to get away despite knowing it’d make things worse. He fell off the other side of the bed and cried out loudly, hyperventilating. It had been so long.
With the bed separating them, Seungmin curled up and let himself cry for a moment - Seohee knew he was a crier.
Stop crying, pathetic slut.
The blanket fell off of him and his bottom was touching the carpet, feeling his hole clench around nothing, still a little stretched out. Why doesn’t it hurt? Seungmin thought.
He looked to his right, hoping for a way out, but he saw three pairs of legs. Three? What?
Seungmin let out a louder sob as his eyes trailed upwards, scared of what he’d see. The person closest to him had blonde hair and a slim body, and Seungmin could only think of one person he knew that looked like that. One amazing person.
“Lixie,” he cried, almost wailing. The blonde person crouched down, a good meter or two of space in between them, but Seungmin saw his features better. It was definitely Felix.
Seungmin clumsily crawled his way to safety, falling none too gently into Felix’s arms. “‘M sorry, ‘m sorry, please…”
“Shh,” Felix whispered. The familiar deep tone was already doing wonders for Seungmin. Safety. Comfort. Love. Home. “Can you take a deep breath, Seungmin?”
Seungmin tried but failed, sobbing. Felix continued talking, though, not letting up until Seungmin began to calm down.
“I’m sorry,” Seungmin bawled, his face shoved in Felix’s neck so he didn’t have to see anyone else. He didn’t know who else was in the room.
“Don’t apologize, baby. I’ve got you.” Felix held him tightly and kissed his head, bringing the blanket up from the floor to wrap it around Seungmin’s shoulders. Seungmin just cried and cried, anxious and scared. He wasn’t really sure what happened because a lot of things didn’t add up, but Felix was with him and the older boy wasn’t scared. So it couldn’t have been too bad, right?
Seungmin’s crying calmed down slowly with Felix’s help, but his brain was foggy and he almost felt disoriented.
“Seungmin-ah?” He finally lifted his head, whimpering as he saw tears on Felix’s cheeks. Felix didn’t say anything for a moment, just staring at Seungmin’s face. Then Felix gathered Seungmin and the blanket in his arms and stood carefully, his hands under Seungmin’s thighs to avoid touching his bottom. Seungmin hid his face again and wrapped his legs and arms around the older boy, and Felix didn’t mind that Seungmin was half-naked.
Felix sat down on the bed and continued rubbing Seungmin’s back. Seungmin felt him reach for something, then Felix was petting his hair.
“Can you drink some water for me?” he asked, showing the cup to Seungmin. Seungmin nodded and Felix held the cup to his lips, the younger boy drinking it slowly. The cool liquid felt nice running down his throat, but his breath was still hitching every now and then, interrupting his gulps. Felix set it down a few minutes later when Seungmin was done.
“Can you talk to me, Minnie?” Seungmin whined and shoved his face into Felix’s neck. It was all coming back to him now - he told Hyunjin he was ready but he ended up having flashbacks of Seohee. Seohee wasn’t actually there.
“Are you hurt?” Seungmin shook his head. “Do you remember what happened?” He paused before nodding. He felt the bed dip next to them and gripped Felix tighter.
“Seungminnie.” Seungmin turned his head slowly and flinched at the light brown hair, but then he calmed down at the familiar face. Seungmin reached out to hold Chan’s shirt and the oldest rubbed his wrist gently. “Focus on your breathing, okay? You’re safe. It’s just us, we’re in Jeongin’s bedroom right now.”
Seungmin took deep breaths and Chan maintained eye contact. Felix pulled the blanket even tighter around Seungmin and the pressure helped his muscles relax.
“Hyung,” Seungmin whispered a few minutes later.
“Yeah, baby?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong, okay?” But he did. He should have told them about Seohee, then this never would have happened.
Seungmin shook his head but he didn’t know what to say.
Felix adjusted his grip on Seungmin and turned the younger boy’s head to face him. His eyes were soft, wet, and worried. “Did someone… hurt you before?”
Seungmin gasped through his nose. Yes? No? Kind of? He didn’t want them to think it was recent, though, because they’d be more worried and upset that he didn’t tell them. Or maybe they’d be more upset that he didn’t tell them about his previous abusive relationship. He didn’t know.
Felix ran a hand through Seungmin’s hair, waiting patiently for his answer. Seungmin had to tell them now; there was nothing else he could do and he knew they deserved the truth. He nodded and watched as Felix’s face crumpled, distressed at Seungmin’s distress. Seungmin felt tears falling down his cheeks but made no move to wipe them away.
“Was it before we got together?” Chan asked anxiously. Seungmin nodded quickly and Chan sighed, a little relieved, before the oldest was moving closer to them. He wrapped his arms around them and pulled Seungmin closer to Felix’s chest.
“You’re okay now, Minnie. I promise.” Seungmin knew that. He noticed that everyone else had left the room but he knew it was just to give him space, which he appreciated.
Seungmin wasn’t sure how long they sat there, but it was long enough that he was completely back to his senses and his nakedness was making him uncomfortable. He pulled back from Felix and lifted his stiff arms to rub his puffy eyes.
A hand rubbed his shoulder. “Do you want to take a bath?” Chan asked. He read Seungmin’s mind, the younger boy nodding. “Do you want to be alone?” He shook his head - his boyfriends were being so sweet and gentle, and Seungmin thought he might fall while trying to walk on his own and fall asleep in the tub.
He climbed out of Felix’s lap slowly, stumbling on shaky legs. Chan held his arm and tightened the blanket around him, trying to keep his bottom half covered. Seungmin felt the weird feeling in his asshole when his legs moved and he cringed at the thought of cleaning it.
Chan held him tightly as they slowly walked to the bathroom, then he instructed Seungmin to sit on the toilet while he grabbed two towels and turned on the water. He put the plug in when he deemed it warm enough, then he kneeled in front of Seungmin. The younger boy was staring at the water coming out of the faucet.
“Can you look at me, baby?” Seungmin did. “You know you can talk to us about anything. It’s okay if you’re not ready to talk, but please don’t be afraid to ask for comfort. We don’t want to do anything that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable. I know this is a difficult topic so we’ll wait until you are ready, okay?” Seungmin sniffled and nodded.
Chan undressed himself before helping Seungmin, then he guided the younger boy into the water. Seungmin sat in between Chan’s legs with Chan holding him tightly from behind, and combining that with the perfectly-hot water soothed him immensely.
They sat there for a while before actually cleaning themselves. Chan washed his hair for him and massaged his muscles, hands gentle and kind. Chan cleaned the rest of his body too while Seungmin hid in his neck. It was embarrassing but it wasn't like Chan hadn’t seen him naked before. He trusted him fully.
Seungmin was almost asleep by the time they were ready to get up. Chan stood first and stepped out of the tub, slowly so as to not splash the water, then he held Seungmin’s arms and helped him stand. Seungmin stood still once he was out of the bath, letting Chan dry off his body and hair. Chan draped the towel over his shoulders when he was done and dried himself off, then he unplugged the bathtub.
Seungmin’s eyes were closing and he felt himself swaying, but Chan was there immediately, holding him tightly. Chan picked him up in a bridal carry and Seungmin leaned completely into him, knowing that Chan would never let him fall.
Chan carried him to the older boy’s bedroom and they were greeted with two stacks of clothes on his bed. Chan could tell whose was whose - one pile had Jisung’s most-worn extra-large hoodie and a pair of Changbin’s sweatpants while the other pile had one of Minho’s hoodies and Chan’s shorts. Seungmin loved wearing his boyfriends’ clothes, especially when they were bigger than necessary and hadn’t been washed in a while, leaving traces of the owner’s scent. He was the thinnest as well, so a lot of the others’ clothing was already loose on him.
Chan set Seungmin down on the edge of the bed and he looked up at Chan with red, squinting eyes. Chan gave him a smile and quickly dressed himself, and just as he was going to help Seungmin, Changbin appeared in the doorway. He entered quietly and Seungmin’s head was bowed, so he didn’t see the older boy.
Changbin looked at Chan. “Is he okay?” he whispered.
“Yeah, I think so. He’s just really tired.” Changbin nodded and ran a hand through Seungmin’s wet hair, sitting next to him. Seungmin looked up at him languidly and Changbin gave him a reassuring smile. “Can you help me dress him?”
Changbin nodded and stood, taking the piece of clothing from Chan. Chan helped Seungmin stand and balance while Changbin maneuvered his feet into the pantholes of his underwear. They worked quickly and did the same with his sweatpants, then Seungmin sat back down. He looked a little more awake than before.
Chan eased the hoodie over Seungmin’s head and he saw the younger boy’s reaction immediately. Seungmin sighed and automatically put his arms through the sleeves, bringing the cuffs to his nose and breathing deeply. He became noticeably calmer and less tense, which made Chan and Changbin feel better as well.
“Let’s take a nap, hm?” Seungmin barely moved, so Chan stood him up and pulled back the covers. Changbin laid down first on the furthest side of the bed, then he took Seungmin in his arms while Chan slid in the other side. The oldest tucked the blanket snuggly up to Seungmin’s neck and the younger boy shoved his nose into Changbin’s chest. He fell asleep almost immediately, content.
Changbin looked at Chan as he combed through Seungmin’s hair with his fingers. “Do you know what happened?” Chan took a deep breath and told Changbin what he knew and how Seungmin acted. Changbin felt tears in his eyes at the lack of communication between them and Seungmin - how was something so big hidden from them for so long?
Seungmin slept for a few hours, waking up around eight o’clock. Chan had texted an update to the others and they said that they’d make dinner after Seungmin woke up, assuming that would be before midnight. They were hoping to talk to the boy as well, but that could wait until the next day if he needed it.
Seungmin woke up slowly, warmth surrounding him and inside of him. His eyes opened and he was met with a soft, black surface, and he looked up to see that it was Changbin’s chest. The older boy was looking at something behind Seungmin, but his eyes moved to the younger boy when he noticed he was awake.
“Hi, baby,” he whispered.
“Hi.”
The bed moved behind him and he turned to see Chan. Seungmin remembered what happened before he went to sleep and he sighed, dreading what came next.
“Do you want to eat dinner now, Seungminnie? Lunch was eight hours ago.” Seungmin nodded, his stomach uneasy due to both anxiety and hunger. He wanted to cure one of those, at least.
Seungmin could stand and walk perfectly fine now, refreshed and calm from his nap and bath. The three of them made their way to the kitchen and Seungmin looked away from the five pairs of eyes that bored into his. He knew they were worried and only wanted to help, but he usually wasn’t the center of everyone’s attention. He couldn’t help but get shy.
Hyunjin stood from his chair and approached him first. Seungmin looked at him and saw nothing but guilt, concern, and love in his expression. The older boy was hesitant as he cupped Seungmin’s cheeks, but Seungmin leaned into the touch to reassure him.
“How are you feeling, baby?” he asked quietly.
“I’m fine. I’m good,” Seungmin whispered back. Hyunjin looked like he wanted to say more, eyes flitting over Seungmin’s face, but he just pulled Seungmin into a tight hug and kissed the side of his head. Then he took Seungmin’s hand and led him to the table, sitting him down between himself and Chan. He didn’t let go of his hand, not even when dinner was ready; Hyunjin would rather eat with his non-dominant hand than stop touching Seungmin.
They ate quietly, Chan starting a small conversation about a random topic. It was tense, everyone still worried and unsure of what would happen. They migrated to the living room when they were done and Seungmin was getting anxious again, his dinner doing cartwheels in his stomach.
Everyone squeezed together on the two couches, Chan on one end with Seungmin sideways on his lap. Hyunjin was still holding his hand, cuddling close to him and Chan. Everyone kept glancing at him expectantly but not rushing him.
Chan rubbed his back. “Are you ready to talk, hun? We can wait until tomorrow if you’d like.” Seungmin shook his head at that. He wanted to do it now, that way none of them would be anxious overnight.
“I’ll… I’ll share now.” He cleared his throat and adjusted himself on Chan’s lap. “You, um… You all know about my previous boyfriend, right?” Everyone nodded. “Yeah, Seohee…” He shivered and Chan squeezed him. “He wasn’t, like, a terrible boyfriend or anything, but…”
He had no idea what he wanted to say. How much did he want to share? How should he word it?
Seungmin rubbed his face. “He just…”
Minho, sensing his blankness, said, “Take your time. We’ll wait for you.” Seungmin glanced at him from the other couch and Minho only looked reassuring.
He took a minute to gather his thoughts before speaking again.
“He was kind of controlling, I guess? He didn’t listen to me sometimes and I just went along with whatever he did. He didn’t let me go out with friends sometimes and eventually I just… had none. I was… In his mind, I was his, like I agreed to that or something, but I didn’t. He just didn’t care.”
Tears were falling down his cheeks now and he was constantly wiping his face fruitlessly. He couldn’t look at the others, choosing to stare at his lap instead, but Hyunjin continued caressing his hand and Chan rubbed his side. His breath caught a few times as he spoke again.
“He… He brought that into the bedroom too. He was rough about everything and I didn’t like it. And he didn’t really care about what I wanted. He always… Even if I wasn’t in the mood, we’d do it anyways because he wanted to. But I didn’t, so many times, I didn't…”
He was sobbing again, thinking about Seohee in more detail than he had since they’d dated. Chan pulled Seungmin close, stroking his hair and squeezing him tightly. Seungmin clutched onto him and Hyunjin, his cries muffled by Chan’s shoulder.
He didn’t know what the others were thinking, but he could only hope that they weren’t too upset with him. They’d been dating for months and he never told them that he wasn’t a virgin, nor that he was in an abusive relationship before. He felt so guilty about it now too.
The others gave him time to calm down, not talking until he was much calmer. Chan’s hand in his hair went to his cheek, so Seungmin looked at him. There was a tear running down Chan’s face but he gave Seungmin a small smile.
“Thank you for telling us, Minnie. I know that was difficult for you. You’re so brave, baby.” Seungmin’s stomach flipped again, this time from butterflies, and Chan kissed his cheek. His liking for praise would never be ruined by Seohee, and he’d make sure of it.
Seungmin didn’t say anything, so Chan continued. “Can we ask you some questions? You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” Seungmin nodded, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
“Minnie.” He looked at Hyunjin and saw tears on his pretty face as well. Hyunjin held his hand tighter with both of his own. “What was… Did I do something that triggered you?”
Hyunjin was undoubtedly guilty, even though he knew nothing about this. It was Seungmin’s fault in the end for not telling them.
Seungmin nodded. “Um…” His voice cracked. “You said… You said something like… me being good?” He almost cringed hearing himself say that. “There’s nothing wrong with that, it's just… My brain twisted your words a bit. It wasn’t your fault, I’m sorry.”
Hyunjin kissed his hand. “Don’t apologize, baby, please. It’s not your fault either, only his.” Seungmin just sniffled. “Should we not say that anymore? Does it bother you?”
“No, no,” Seungmin rushed. “I like it. It’s just different ‘cause it was sex…” Hyunjin nodded, understanding.
“Seungmin-ah,” Jisung said. He was sitting next to Minho, snuggling into the older boy’s side. “Can you tell us what he did that made you uncomfortable? So we know?”
Seungmin breathed shakily, but he knew he had to. He wanted a healthy relationship and he wanted to have sex with them someday, so they needed to know these things. He thought of what to start with - there were so many.
“He was kind of possessive. He didn’t let me go out sometimes and I lost so many friends because of it. But I know you’d never do that to me.” Chan squeezed him.
“He wasn’t nice like you guys are in bed. He liked… degrading, I think? I really don’t like that.” The others nodded, but they probably knew he didn’t like it. They just didn’t know the extent of it until now.
“He didn’t take his time with anything. He just wanted whatever he wanted as soon as he could get it. He didn’t… He didn’t do a lot of prepping with me. He did it too quickly and it hurt almost every time… That’s kind of why I freaked out, I think. Jinnie went really slow and it was perfect, but… I don’t know. Eventually the stretch just reminded me of him, and…” He saw everyone nodding again, but Hyunjin intertwined their fingers. Seungmin hoped he didn’t feel more guilty than before. Seungmin waited a moment to take a deep breath before continuing.
“It didn’t last very long, usually. He just wanted… y’know. To do it quickly. Sometimes I didn’t… I didn’t finish but he did. It didn’t feel good. Then he’d just leave, and it… it scared me. I’d just lay there and wish he’d come back to help me but he didn’t. Then with Jinnie, I… I safeworded or something and he stopped, but the empty feeling just reminded me of when he left and… I was scared that it happened again. Then I saw Channie hyung but I thought he was Seohee and that was even scarier and…”
Tears clogged his throat again, breathing a little too quickly. Chan rubbed his back and helped him calm down, soothing his chest.
“Thank you, Minnie.” Seungmin looked back at Jisung and saw his watery smile, trying to give one back. “You’re doing so well, honey. I promise you, we’d never do any of those things. We love you and we want you to feel safe and happy, always.”
Seungmin nodded, more tears falling. These boys were everything he wanted, everything he needed, and more.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” a strained voice asked. It was Felix, sitting on Minho’s other side and nearly sobbing. It only upset Seungmin more, seeing how badly he affected the older boy.
“I… I didn’t want to share it at first. If I told you I wasn’t ready, I didn’t know how to say that I’ve had sex before. Then I’d have to explain and you’d be upset that I didn’t want it with you even though I did it with someone else.”
“Minnie,” Chan interrupted. “We wouldn’t be upset about that. It’s your body, it’s your decision what you do with it. We’ll always support you in everything you do.”
Felix let out a sob, which in turn made Seungmin let out a sob. He felt terrible - he should’ve known that they wouldn’t be upset with him. They were all so, so understanding and kind that it was almost hard to fathom. He hid his face back in Chan’s neck.
They sat like that for a while until both boys’ cries calmed down, then a few more minutes. This was a huge step in their relationship and they all needed time to process, to think about what they should do. But Minho had one more question.
“Seungmin-ah, you said that he did things with you even though you didn’t want to. Is that right?” He spoke softly but Seungmin tensed. He knew where this was going.
“I mean, yeah, but it… it was consensual. I let him do it, I didn’t mind. It wasn’t… wasn’t rape, I promise.” There was a moment of quietness and the only sound was Seungmin’s heartbeat, loud and clear in his ears.
Minho stood and kneeled in front of Chan and Seungmin, and the younger boy was surprised at the tears on his face. Minho never cried.
Minho put a hand on Seungmin’s thigh. “Letting someone do something isn’t the same as giving consent. If you didn’t want it, he shouldn’t have done it. Even if you weren’t directly telling him no, he shouldn’t have treated you the way he did. I’m so sorry, honey. You didn’t deserve any of that, and you deserve so much more than we can give you. I love you so, so much.”
Seungmin let go of Chan and Hyunjin to hug Minho tightly, crying again. Deep down, Seungmin knew it wasn’t consensual with Seohee. It almost never was. The tears, the pain, the degradation, the denied orgasms - he hated it all and he definitely never would have asked for that, consented to that.
Minho scooped him up into his arms and held him back just as tightly, rocking back and forth on the floor. Seungmin felt more people join the hug, more hands comforting him and more words whispered in between.
This was where he wanted to be for so long. In the arms of people who loved him, not his body. People who cared so much for each other that it could bring tears to his eyes. People who loved him unconditionally and were there for him during every moment of his life, both happy and sad. They were his rock, his support system, his family.
They were his life. And he wanted nothing more.