Chapter Text
It was a loveless marriage, that she knew. Still, in all the years she’s lived in this palace, throughout the endless lessons and preparations to becoming queen, never once did she learn how to deal with the feeling of absolute powerlessness.
“I’m sorry that I won’t be able to fulfill my duties to you the way that you expect me to.”
It was the words of her betrothed, on the night of their official engagement party.
It wasn’t as if she didn’t know—that the heart that has captured his was not her own. The look that he has given her throughout the years that they’ve known each other gave it away. He didn’t hate her—although it would’ve made it much easier if he did. After all, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
It was indifference that reflected in his deep blue eyes, from the moment she entered the palace to the day of their engagement. In the absence of words, his eyes have always conveyed the same thing to her—that the relationship between them was not of love but convenience. That the only thing shared between the two of them was duty and responsibility. He to his country and she to him. He is the sun that lightens the kingdom, and she is the moon that follows.
For as long as she’s been alive, she’s only known one sure thing: he was to be king and she his queen. When she was younger, she thought this meant they were bound to fall in love, like the princesses in fairytales, she too could have a happily ever after.
But reality was a fickle thing.
She was ten when he told her he couldn’t love her. She didn’t understand it then, why he could never love the girl that looked at him like he hung the stars. She said nothing then, and even now, she’s never asked otherwise of him.
And when she turned twelve, she realized why there could never be anything but business between them.
By chance, she found that the prince was not the queen’s real son. He was in fact, born out of the union between the king and his mistress. The queen, who could not bear children, adopted him as her own to provide an heir to the kingdom. And in order to ensure this secret never made it out of the confines of the royal palace, his birth mother was falsely accused of treason and was banished to live out the rest of her days in the ivory tower. Two years later, it was reported that she had hung herself out of misery. The person who was responsible for this was none other than her grandfather, who had used the power struggle to further his own political agendas. In exchange for his loyalty, she had promised him the crown Princess position for his beloved grand daughter.
When she realized the depth of their history, she cried for days, unable to understand the reasons of adults but empathized with the mistress who died of a broken heart nevertheless. She couldn’t fault him for the way he looked at her, after all she was the reason for his misery, but she couldn’t not fulfill her duty to her family. And so by fourteen, she had resigned herself to be a queen only in name. She would never be able to feel the tenderness of his love, but she could still support him from far away.
“I know.”
“Good.”
—
Maybe it was atonement for the sins of her grandfather, or the deep sorrow she feels on his behalf, but Utahime could never bring herself to hate the man that was her fiancée.
Even now, as she stares at the man and his lover from across the garden, she chooses to be ignorant of his relationships despite the many whispers around her.
“If I was her, I wouldn’t know how to feel.”
She knew it all too well, the whispers that bore her name. She knew that to everyone else, she was a laughingstock of a future queen. Even with looks that were revered across the country, she couldn’t attract the attention of the man that mattered most. She knew it best that him flaunting his lover around was his way of undermining the grand duchy's authority. In his own way, it was his only act of rebellion for the pain they’ve caused him. On all other fronts, he was the perfect example of a fiancée. Despite his deep hatred for her family, he was always considerate of her feelings, making it all the more harder for her to hate him.
“If it’s uncomfortable for you, I won’t go.”
It was a conversation they had once, when he came to tell her that he planned on escorting another debutante to the ball. She was devastated then, but the words begging him to stay never came out. After all, he didn’t owe her anything but a title. She knew that letting him do so was going to spark rumors of discontent between them, but she didn’t have reasons to tell him otherwise.
“Your highness, why do you resign yourself to such fate?” It was a question her friends have asked her a million times. But she could never really put into words the reasons why she puts up with it.
Was it simply a matter of responsibility? Did she feel sorry for him? Or was it because in the end, despite knowing that he could never love her the way she wanted him to, that she was content with being by his side, even only in name.
“It’s not so bad.” She replied easily, concealing her feelings with a polite smile.
“I pray for the day his highness’s attention would turn to you.”
It was normal grievances her maids would utter. Still, it was something she couldn’t allow as his future queen. “Watch what you say, his highness is the future king of this country.”
At her reprimand, the maid quickly lower her head in shame. “I spoke out of line. Please forgive me your highness.”
“Whether his highness love me or not is not a concern of my subordinates. Unless the sky falls, it will not change the ties between us. He is my king and I am his queen.”
It was words she had repeated to herself for years, like a chant she’s tricking herself into believing. And yet, they feel just as foreign each and every time she recall them out loud. She has never felt anything but indifference towards his past lovers, because she knew that at the end of the day, she was to be his lawfully wedded wife. But the sight of him with lady Mei Mei stung deeper than any past lovers had.
It wasn’t just because of her irreverent beauty, or the fact that she was someone she had always felt inferior to despite being from a lower noble family than hers. It was because of the way his eyes follow her everywhere she went. He looked at her like she was his saving grace, the one who would give him the peace he wanted—he looked at her like the way Utahime had looked at him all her life, and that felt far deeper than any childish flings he’s ever had.
“Do you love her?”
She had asked him once, when her insecurities were a bit too unbearable and the composed exterior was begining to crumble.
“Do you wish for me not to?”
She was taken aback by his response—after all, she was really only expecting a yes or no.
“I could never ask that of you.” Her voice was quiet then, like a child asking her parents to buy her an absurdly expensive toy.
“Then it’s irrelevant whether I love her or not.”
She couldn’t deny it, because he was essentially telling her it didn’t matter whether she approved or not. He was to do what he always will.
“I only ask that you think of our reputation as future rulers of this country.” Even if she was a sorry woman with an unrequited love, she was still his fiancée in public.
“Don’t worry, I won’t do anything to harm your reputation. It’s not in my prerogative.” It was the thing she hated most about him. How he could hurt her with his words and she could still find it in herself to be understanding of it.
He always made sure that she heard it from him first, and cleared any misunderstandings before they could spring up. He was considerate that way, and she hated it.
“I want to be alone.” She told her servants as they stopped by a bench facing the Crystal palace.
The crystal palace was a palace only in name. In reality, it was a giant glass house that contained nothing but dirt and flowers that were long gone. It was a place that she found comfort in when she was made to move into the rose palace as a future crown Princess. It was also a place that the current king had dedicated to his beloved mistress before she was condemned to the tower. There was something so melancholic about it that made her heart ache—whether it was the rust that grew on the iron frame as it aged, or the way wildflowers would grow between the cracks in the concrete despite years of neglect, she had always found comfort in the way time seems to flow just a bit slower in this place.
Sometimes she would sit here, and allow herself to feel the warmth of the sun rays that bounced off of the glass, or hear the small chirping of birds to escape the burden of the crown she was destined to wear. It would be the only time she allowed herself to feel sorry for the girl she once was.
“What worries you?”
She looked up to see the man at the root of all her troubles.
“I greet your highness, the crown prince.” She said, standing up to greet him.
“Always so formal, my Princess.” He replied, the smile on his lips never reaching his eyes. It was a polite smile, reminding her of the line he’s always drawn between them.
“Forgive me, my prince, but may I ask what brings you to the Crystal palace?” At her question, she sees him slightly stiffen.
“I was strolling and somehow found myself here.” He answered, his eyes moving to the building itself. “I didn’t know you fancied yourself this old building.”
She knew that he was aware of the significance of this building, but besides her, no one really pays it any attention. Which is why his presence here shocked her. That, and the lack of another imposing presence next to him.
“And what about lady Mei Mei? I thought I saw her in the garden earlier.” She steels her voice to sound as impassive as possible.
She sees him grin at this, and she fear he must think she was spying on them somehow.
“She left. I didn’t know you were also in the garden. She would’ve liked to greet you if she knew.”
He was testing her now—to see if she would react to his childish taunts. It was a cruel little game he likes to play, to say things to purposely incite a reaction out of her.
“Forgive me for not wanting to exchange niceties with your lover, your highness.”
“Is that so? Forgive me my princess, I should’ve known better.”
As they sat in silence on the bench, she thinks about his promise to never put her in a difficult position when they get married, and her heart aches for the love that was never to be. It’s moments like these that makes her wish that he would just hate her, so that her heart won’t be swayed ever so often.
“I wish you would share your worries with me, my prince.” She said out loud, sensing his eyes on her as she does.
“How do you know I have worries?”
“Your eyes have been dark for the past couple days, and your servants are worried about your health.”
“And you?”
“And i what?”
“Do you worry about my health?”
“It’s a given.”
“Why? Because we’re engaged? Because it’s your duty to?”
It feels like he’s challenging her somehow—as if there was a correct answer he was expecting out of her.
“Yes.” She paused. “And because I care about you. I want to know what’s causing you discomfort and if I could do anything to ease it, I would.”
He has a pensive look in his eyes, as if the words she’s spoken had some truth to it.
“You don’t have to lie.” He says, lips quirking upwards. “We owe each other that much.”
She feels a slight tinge of hurt at his words. It was the same dance over and over again, and she wonders, what would it take for him to put some trust in her.
“I don’t have to lie. You are my king and I live to serve you.”
He let out a laugh at this, spiteful and unsettling. “And how will you serve me? On your knees with your mouth open?”
It was a cruel thing to say, and he knew it the moment he muttered it. But it was too late, and she could only turn away in embarrassment at the implications behind his words. She didn’t want to hear this most from him.
“You are cruel with your words.” She says after awhile. “But I am not some common whore that would serve you as you please. As your future queen, it is my duty to ease your worries and share your pain. If you don’t want me to fulfill my duties then I won’t push you to it. However, I will always be here for you if you allow it.”
He doesn’t say much after this, choosing to sit in silence even after she announced her intentions. She never expected him to understand but as his future queen, she deserves to be respected as his equal. It was low of him to put her on the same level as the other women who threw themselves at him.
“I’m sorry my princess, please forgive my ignorance.” He says, gaze holding hers.
She knew from the tone of his voice that he regretted it. Still, she was hurt by the words that had came out of his mouth about her.
“There’s no need to ask for forgiveness, your highness.”
“I fear I’m always apologizing to you these days.” There’s no bitterness in his tone, just resignation. “Perhaps I’m not fitted to be your husband.”
Again, she feels a slight tug at her heart. “One would think that you are marrying me out of love if they heard that.”
He laughs again, this time more freely. “That’s right, it’s purely business between us.”
Again, a line is drawn between them. She knew it well enough, but it still hurt every time he says it so pointedly.
A moment of silence ensues before he spoke again, the playfulness gone from his voice this time.
“I’m worried these days because the king is not so healthy. We thought it was a common cold but it’s turning out to be much more dire than that. The royal physician says he’s quite frail and it might not be long before he becomes unfit to lead.”
In the silence she could hear the faraway birds announcing their presence, and the slight falter in his voice as he recount his worries.
“What do you mean unfit to lead? Will he die?” She asked quietly, afraid to utter the next couple words.
Suggesting that the king will die soon is grounds for treason if the wrong people heard it after all.
“Abdication.” He answered quietly. “They’re suggesting he abdicate the crown.”
Even she couldn’t contain her bewilderment at his statement. She had seen the king briefly at his birthday banquet not too long ago, and even though he didn’t look like the almighty king he used to be, she would’ve never guessed that he was harboring some sort of illness.
“And? What does this mean?” She was holding in her breath now. “Will you ascend the throne?”
He nods softly. “They’re pushing our wedding ceremony up by a year due to unforeseen circumstances with the crown.”
To say she was surprised was an understatement, but it was the logic that made the most sense. With the king’s health declining, they needed to solidify the crown prince’s faction in order to help him ascend the throne without complications. Although there were no other direct heirs besides the crown prince, because of the nature of his birth, there were always worries that the crown would be usurped by a distant relative of royal blood. Therefore, in order to establish absolute power, the union between the crown prince and the daughter of the grand duke was needed as soon as possible. After all, the grand duchy was the wealthiest and most noble family in the country, next to the imperial family. A union between the two meant absolute control of the country’s power and resources.
“When are they thinking this would happen?”
“In the next three months.” He paused. “The sooner the better.”
Her thoughts were running wild at this. They had been engaged officially for ten years now, when they both turned ten. She had always known she would be his wife but now that it was coming she didn’t know what to think. There were a million questions she wanted to ask.
“And what do you think?” She asked calmly, but the quiver in her voice betrayed what she was feeling.
“I am of the same belief that it’s for the best. It makes the most sense in order to solidify my rights to the throne.” He answered in a very pragmatic way, but she could hear the contempt in his voice at the thought of being in laws with the family that ruined his. It was an open secret between the two of them, and again she feels deeply for the boy that lost his mother at the hands of her family’s sins.
“What about lady Mei Mei?”
“What about her?”
She didn’t know if he was being purposely obtuse, or that he didn’t understand her question, but she had to ask anyways. It was a question that had plagued her mind the moment she laid eyes on the two of them at the debutante ball.
“Will you take her as a mistress when you become king? Will she be made a royal concubine?”
His eyes bore into hers as he spoke, conveying a sense of seriousness that made her stagger in her breath.
“I am not so shameless that I would take a mistress.” She could hear the frustration in his voice, as if he was condemning the likes of his father before him who had done so. “My affections for lady Mei Mei does not eclipse my sense of duty to you or to the country.”
Her heart foolishly skipped a beat at his reply. “Will you end things with her then?”
“There was no relationship to begin with.” Even though she had always envied lady Mei Mei for being the subject of his desires, she could feel her heart falter for the lady upon hearing his cold words. “I promised you that I wouldn’t do anything to harm your reputation and I intend to keep my words. I don’t intend to put my children through the same kind of misery my father put me through.”
They had never outright discussed it, but both of them knew the consequences of the king’s indiscretions—him better than her. She wishes that she could foolishly misconstrue his words as affections for her but even she knew that was not the case. He was always so regal, and respectful towards her, that she understood very well just how much of this was purely out of his own obligation to the crown and nothing else.
They sat together in silence until dusk had settled around them, floundering in their own respective thoughts for the future to come. She had a million things running through her mind, most of it trivial, but one thing was for sure—in the next three months, the destiny that was set upon her since birth was to finally become a reality. They would no longer be together merely in name—they will officially be recognized as a pair now; the young king and his queen.
Somehow, that thought made her lonelier than ever.