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“Are you gonna let me in?”
“Hellooo-!”
I quickly move over to my bedroom window and unlock it, pushing it up.
“Ah, Koyla.” I say, letting the name pour off my tongue like honey. Nikolai Gogol. He’s here, here for me. Like an angel flying down on sinners, giving everlasting judgement. Oh how beautiful.
Nikolai gracefully makes his way to my bed and plops down on it. Oh how i wish i could keep him there forever. “You’re staring.” He says, with a slight grin on his face. “Ah, apologies.” I say. How could i not stare? His long sliver and silky hair lighted up by the moonlight, as if god was pouring his very essence down on him and him alone.
I walk to my bed and sit down next to him. “You’re awfully quiet.” I say. “Hah! you normally seem agitated when i talk to much.. !” He giggles, “Oh how amusing !” His laughter, I feel blessed. I am blessed.
“What a sick sense of humor you have.” I say. It’s anything but that. But alas, there’s something i’m terrified of. What if he founds out how much of a sinner i am? being abandoned by Nikolai would be worse then the darkest pits of hell.
“Oh pity me..” He says, turning over to me, pale almost ghost-like making him even more angelic. I remember the one time i offered sex, he refused. That day was a pitiful day. A filthy sinner being reacted by an angel.
But he scoots over next to me. “Would you be so willing for a kiss?” He says, sly and smooth, letting the s at the end go off like a snake.
Would i be willing to? Of course. What an understatement. Even with a quick kiss id feel blessed, like apart of me had just been turned pure. But he spoils me, what a kind angel.
I catch his lips, he allows me to explore every last inch of his mouth. Oh how amazing he is. If i were to be put up and asked to name a flaw about Nikolai i’d be at a lost.
He tastes like bacon. Mixed with a metallic taste as with the blood. He tastes delicious.
The chirping of bird signals the sun rising. “Ah appears i have to book it.” Nikolai says. I hate when this happens, i hate when he has to leave. I curse the morning.
I watch with melancholy as he slides out of my room window.
How i wish the sun would just be fucking gone.
…
I am chatting with Nikolai when i hear a faint meow. Nikolai’s expression changes, to one of discomfort.
It must be my grandmothers cat. I had never payed it much attention until now.
until it made Nikolai uncomfortable.
What an unforgivable sin.
He must be punished.
He must perish.
I move off the bed. “Koyla, do you want me to get rid of the annoyance?” I ask. “Hmm, it’d be appreciated.” He nods.
I have permission. Now, i can make Nikolai feel better.
“Meow?” The pest looked up at me, sharped eyes relaxing. Despite barley interacting me he has gotten familiar with me. To him i am not a threat. What a stupid thing really.
I quickly grabbed its neck and twisted it as far as i could. A noise of pain came out before almost immediately being cut off.
It was dead.
All for Nikolai.
It was all for Nikolai.
Which is why it was so worth it.
…
Nikolai leans on my shoulder as i read a book. “Hey Feyda?” he asks, voice slightly echoing. “Yes Koyla?” I say, is something bothering him? id do anything for him of course. Id bring a shotgun to the ADA or Port Mafia if he asked me too.
“Well as i was coming here a little child spotted me..” He says looking over at me with his mismatched color eyes. “I may not be able to come back..” My heart sinks.
Nikolai? Not come back? I refuse such a poor fate. I’ll take him out. I have too. For me. For Nikolai.
…
I stand in an empty house, of course, not technically empty. Besides me, there’s a corpse of a family i had just gotten rid of. it was worth of course, Nikolai would come back. What’s better than that?
“Hmm.” I let out a hum as i light a match. Throwing it down on the fathers corpse, watching it slowly catch flame. Turning around and walking out. Carefully walking over the other corpses.
A couple of miles away, as i’m almost to my house i see some smoke coming from the direction behind me. I must’ve been successful.
I wait next to my window. He should be here by now, why isn’t he? My mind raced.
Had i not done enough? Did i do something wrong? Was that family still alive?
How had i failed? Had i not killed them quick enough? This was horrible, oh how horrible.
With Nikolai i fear i’m nothing but a lonesome sinner.
I feel like a sinner.
Am i…?
Love…
Said to make people fools. And as i wait days, months, i see why. Live feels bland, dull. I no longer have a light to guide me. I’m alone.
Oh how dreadful. So so so dreadful. It’s horrible. This is horrible. This world is so pitiful without him. With such a pure angel. Rotten sinners being left to die. Am i apart of those sinners? I am not sure. And that’s terrify’s me so. How terrified i am. Mortified, even.
I pray, I hope, I wish. Unfortunately it doesn’t amount to much, anything besides Nikolai feels boring and uninteresting. Like a bunch of black white. Not nearly as beautiful as Nikolai, it felt as though he lit up the entire world.
Or perhaps just my world.. No, i refuse to believe such a pitiful thing. I utterly refuse it. It’s not possible in the slightest.
…
Love, is truly a disease.
But it’s all for Nikolai.