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Venom gradually awoke to a dull throb in his arm, blinking several time to dispel the waking blur. He breathed deep of something earthy and sweet; a scent akin to thick, wet foliage after a summer rain.
Kaz.
Snake’s face was halfway buried in his lover’s soft blond hair, smiling inwardly finding his bicep replaced Kaz’s pillow that had been pushed above their heads as they slept. And though his arm ached, he was loathe to move with Kaz’s body against his, spooned warm and comfortable into his slightly larger frame. Snake shifted carefully, needing to allow his half-numb arm more blood flow. Thankfully, the disturbance was met only with a soft sigh and press of Kazuhira’s backside as he pushed further into him, maintaining their intimate proximity.
The small smile within Venom finally broke upon his lips, raising his free hand to stroke Kaz’s hair. He rubbed the slightly curled and messy strands between his fingertips, receiving a faint, contented moan in response. Kaz’s breathing was slow and heavy, allowing Snake to observe and caress, relishing in his heat. He could pet Kaz for hours.
But it was a privilege hard-earned. Snake’s hazy mind recalled memories of their recent encounters, even... the first. It was still hard to believe he had reached a point where Kaz not only allowed him to share his bed, but asked him to; even if it wasn’t as Big Boss. But after Big Boss’ plans had come to light, leaving them in a raging wake of emotion, the betrayal had been a catalyst that had pushed their relationship to evolve.
No longer did Kaz stare into Big Boss’ eye as they made love, looking beyond him to the man from a decade ago. No. Now he saw Venom as the man he actually was, never taking his eyes off of him as they stood together in the aftermath. But it was Kazuhira’s undying will that kept him going, something he had always admired - the man housing a fire that remained lit even he had been through hell and back, this time with arm and leg forfeit. He still remembered the determination that had emanated from him, though he was sure that drive had only been born from the promise of a renewed empire alongside Big Boss. It had fueled them both.
Now, safely in bed with Kaz, he couldn’t help but drift into memories of the recent past. He could still recall in vivid detail two of the most potent events of their difficult reunion.
Ocelot had finished the debriefing, leaving Venom alone to process. It was taking time to absorb the reality that Kaz was back safe and sound, their dreams in the process of being rebuilt. But what truly astounded him was that even though Kaz had suffered the loss of his limbs, endured fear and torture, his mind and resolve appeared as powerful as ever. He continued to replay Kaz’s words in his mind from that long chopper ride home, could still the see anger and frustration when they returned to Mother Base, memorizing Kazuhira’s every expression...
And what he thought had been minutes had drifted into hours. Venom could feel the adrenaline from the rescue was long gone, exhaustion swiftly taking its place. He was ready to turn in for a few hours of shut-eye as he rose to his feet, surprised when he heard the door open, turning to find an exasperated medic.
“Sir! We’ve encountered a slight complication with Commander Miller. Would you please accompany me to his room.”
Venom was immediately alert, giving a single nod as he followed him out.
“What’s the complication?” Snake inquired, nearly passing him with his quick, long strides. The medic hesitated as he looked at the Boss, immediately sparking worry, Venom’s first and most predominant fear the possibility of infection.
“Well, the thing is, he’s refusing to take any painkillers. He can’t sleep because of the pain but he won’t let us near him with another needle. We’ve administered antibiotics and cleaned his wounds, but now he needs to rest. And, Boss, he... He keeps asking for you.”
The situation was beyond what Venom had expected, but Kaz needed him. That was all he needed to know.
“Then let’s not keep him waiting,” Venom replied, the medic’s curious look lingering just a moment before they took another turn, heading inside the main building to a closed off room. Privacy for a survivor - a hero in his own right.
Snake heard muffled voices from behind the closed door, greeted with tense silence as they entered. Kazuhira sat in a bed with his hand fisted, his hostility toward the other physician clear in his hardened expression as they appeared at a stalemate.
“Please, Commander, there’s no point in needlessly enduring the pain,” the medic pleaded, though his tone was firm and insistent.
“No. I won’t say it again,” Kaz warned, teeth bared like a wildcat even as he slumped before him. The medic, at his wit’s end, turned to the new arrivals with a look of frustration. But it was that moment that Kaz looked from the doctor to the Boss, the anger in his face melting away as he watched him through his dark lenses.
“What are you trying to give him?” Venom asked, breaking away from that intense gaze to inspect the vials set upon the counter nearby. He scanned them as the first medic pointed to another phial near a syringe. He picked it up, slowly reading the label, then set it back down.
“Let me talk to him,” he instructed, giving a nod toward the door.
“Maybe you can get through to him. Thanks, Boss.”
And as they left, Snake approached Kaz. But Kaz was no longer looking at him, instead he had pulled up his good leg, resting his uninjured arm atop his severed thigh; looking as though he sought to curl in on himself.
“I can’t do it,” Kaz whispered as Venom stood at his bedside. Snake kneeled down, looking up at the blond, watching the twitch of his jaw as his teeth clenched. Snake sat silently, unsure how to proceed, feeling a thousand different emotions striking through his body like an intangible onslaught of memories - a thunderstorm of synapses that nearly incapacitated him.
But he was pulled from the overflow as Kaz turned his head toward him, reaching out to touch his shoulder, gripping it with surprising strength.
“Sit,” Kaz beseeched in a low voice. Venom rose, assisting Kaz as he attempted to move over on the bed. Without a whisper of objection, Snake cupped both hands beneath Kaz’s underarms and hefted him up, resituating him a few inches over. He still cringed inwardly at how light the man was to hold.
But before he could release Miller, his comrade grabbed his forearm, pale eyes glinting from behind his shades as he stared imploringly into Venom’s eye. Snake could sense the waves - the overwhelming emotion that continued to ebb then burst inside. It wasn’t just physical pain overwhelming him, he was sure.
And when Venom didn’t offer an immediate response, Kaz’s gaze dropped, the grip on his arm loosening until Kaz’s hand fell lifeless and heavy back into his lap.
“Why won’t you accept the painkillers?” Venom asked, words soft as he gingerly settled down next to him. But Kaz had drifted, Snake unsure if he were lost in thought or emotion; probably both. It grew so quiet as he patiently waited for a response that Snake nearly startled as Kaz spoke.
“I finally have light. No voices... No threats. No... fear... But when I close my eyes... It’s all back... It keeps coming back...!"
Venom felt the shift, again saw the painful clench of Kaz’s jaw. Without thinking, he placed his hand on Kaz’s, inciting a startled parting of lips and a look that bore into his very being. And as Kaz’s body trembled as if he could barely handle that single touch, Venom gently pulled him against his chest, wrapping his arm securely around his shoulders. He thought Kaz might fight or try to shove him away, but instead he sagged without a word into his embrace.
Little by little he could feel Kaz’s body grow heavier, leaning completely into him as exhaustion took over. He couldn’t blame Kaz for refusing the meds - what filled the damn syringe would have sent him into nightmares instead of rest. He was thankful he had inadvertently intercepted a very bad decision.
And though Snake didn’t quite understand the emotions humming constantly in his subconscious, he knew he’d made the right choice. He raised his fingers to gently brush the disheveled strands of Kaz’s still dirty hair from his face, daring to touch his cheek when Kaz responded by shifting more of his body against him. Miller was passing out in his arms, and Venom was more than willing to allow it. He leaned back against the wall, Kaz pliant in his hold as he kept him close. The moment became serene, almost peaceful, though a heaviness lingered in his heart he couldn’t yet place. Kaz had been rescued, would recover, but something continued to eat at the unreachable edge of his consciousness.
Unable to make sense of it, Snake simply shut it out, keeping an arm locked tight around Kaz. He was nodding off too, unable to keep awake listening to the comforting lullaby of Kaz’s soft, sleeping breaths as the heat of his body mingled with his own. If he had to take the place of an opiate, he was more than willing to do so.
If only that had been the worst of it.
Snake was late getting back from his mission, having taken time to fulton the treasure trove of supplies he’d discovered while en route to LZ. He couldn’t pass up the opportunity, confident Kazuhira would be pleased. He’d been in contact with Ocelot about his return, assuming Kaz had become tied up in the base’s affairs.
He was relieved Kaz had appeared to come back strong - it had been less than two weeks since his rescue and the man was already back to business as usual. Every day he tirelessly dealt with intel and clients, making sure Mother Base continued to grow. But his mood remained unstable, quick to anger, and Snake had fell into a habit of checking in after every return.
As he pulled open the chopper door and dropped down to the landing pad, there were only two guardsmen to receive him. He acknowledged them both as they saluted, walking past them to hit the shower at Kaz’s request he discontinue dragging mud and blood through Mother Base.
After he emerged, he took a deep breath; the night was calm without a cloud in the sky. He did a mental check, noting the information Ocelot had requested had been transmitted hours ago, and found no further duties required for the night. He stretched, passing on a cigar as he headed toward Kaz’s quarters. If he were still awake, maybe he could coax him to the catwalks to join him for a smoke. It wasn’t a bad night for a little star watching; the heavens were completely visible, filled with layers of stars so thick they lit up the entire expanse.
But as he neared Miller’s room, something felt off. Wrong. He leaned close to the door before making himself known, met with muffled sounds of distress. Without a thought, he forced his way in, ready for a fight. But there was no one in the room; the battle Kaz fought was entirely within himself.
Half of Miller’s body was tangled in sheets, his face shining with sweat as his damp clothes clung to his struggling frame as he tossed and turned. Kaz’s mouth was open, trying to shape words, though nothing more than tortured huffs and groans escaped.
Snake approached quietly, his heavy boots resounding with subdued thuds as he moved to his bedside, hesitant to wake him. There was no doubt Miller kept weapons in his spotless room, not wanting to be at the end of a gun held by a broken man. Again he realized that even though he was strong for the Diamond Dogs, there was no doubt in his mind how deep his PTSD reached. It was something Ocelot seemed to understand, practiced at calming him down, though much to Kaz’s displeasure.
“Kaz. Kaz,” Snake whispered as he stood over him, watching his companion’s tormented face. His every instinct was to reach out and embrace him, but he didn’t want to frighten him. The other medics on base had suggested tranquilizers for Kaz’s night terrors, but the last thing he needed was to be drugged. He’d made it clear never to bring up the proposition again.
“Boss..."
Kaz’s voice was so soft Venom nearly didn’t catch it, watching as Miller gradually stopped thrashing. But there were still hard lines in his face, wrapped in tension. Snake dared to sit on the edge of his bed.
“That’s right, Kaz. I’m back,” Venom whispered, and though Kaz seemed to hear him, he hadn’t yet awakened.
“John..."
Snake almost physically cringed, not sure why the sound of his own name would cause such a reaction. He pushed the intrusion aside, pressing his hand lightly onto Kazuhira’s hip.
“I’m here,” he quietly acknowledged. But as soon as he touched him, Miller’s eyes shot open, body jerking as he grabbed for him.
“It’s okay, Kaz, it’s okay!” Venom spoke, catching his arm and holding him firmly to halt his assault. And when those almost metallic, melted pearl eyes met his own, there wasn’t anger there - only fear. Kaz could only stare at him, chest heaving from whatever horror had just released him, Snake loosening his grip as he felt Kaz’s arm go lax. After a few short moments, he released it, though immediately after he’d let go Kaz wrapped his hand hard around his neck, pulling his face close as he stared hard into his good eye.
“You’re alive... You’re alive!” Kaz repeated, confusing Snake. Instead of removing Kaz’s hand, he instead returned the touch, gently cupping his neck in turn as he pressed his forehead against his comrade’s. He heard Kaz pull in a shuddering breath, feeling a tremor rush through him.
“Yeah, I’m here. No problems with the mission, just ran a little late,” he whispered, reassuring him. But Kaz was shaking his head, pulling back to look up at his face. He noticed a glimmer on his cheeks that was no longer sweat - Kaz had truly believed he was dead, betrayed by the fresh trail of tears.
“No, not that... Just a dream... These goddamn dreams..."
Snake let him go as Kaz moved back, rubbing a hand over his face before grabbing his aviators from the bedside table. It was the ritual - that even though he couldn’t yet sleep in the dark, neither could he seem to tolerate the light.
“The same as before...?” Snake asked softly, wondering if it were one of the nightmares Kaz had told him about before - normally the haunting replay of his time as a prisoner, sanity hanging from a thread as he nearly shattered.
“No. Not the same,” Kaz whispered. He rubbed at his temples, Snake helping him peel off his damp shirt as he struggled to lift it up. He knew how much Kaz hated the feeling of it.
“You don’t have to tell me.”
Kaz didn’t reply, hunching over himself as he struggled in the aftermath. Reflexively Venom ran his hand up and down his back in slow, pressing strokes, taking the risk though he could never guess how Kaz would respond. But this time Kaz allowed it, though it took considerable time for his body to calm, the stiffness of his muscles easing only as they sat in silence and Venom continued to touch him.
“You were swallowed by fire. It was everywhere, and you... You were dead. I watched you die. I could only watch. There was nothing I could do, nothing to save you! You might as well have died by my hand!”
Venom could tell from Kaz’s tone exactly when memory turned into a replay - when Kaz was falling directly back into the prison of the nightmares that plagued him. He put his arm around him, leaned into him to offer his presence and support. Kaz eventually shifted into his embrace. Snake took a deep breath as he felt Kaz’s hand reach up and slide into his hair, lightly gripping.
“I won’t let you die,” Kaz finally spoke, voice barely audible but still dripping with absolute certainty - with a fierceness that he was sure kept Kaz waking up every morning.
“I know you won’t,” Snake answered, eye widening slightly as he felt a warm kiss on his neck.
“Don’t let me keep you,” Kaz voiced, soft words that rose from the base of his throat. But Venom could feel the clench of the fingers that had since fallen to his arm, squeezing, pleading without the shame of surrender.
“I’m done for the night. If you don’t mind, I’ll stay.”
He only received a soft grunt of acknowledgement. And though he expected Kaz to stay close, Miller pulled away and made room on the bed.
“Just take your boots off and hit the light,” Kaz instructed, his voice a quiet slur as new exhaustion took hold. Snake watched him lie back down, Kaz’s head turned away from him as he removed his sunglasses and passed them to Snake.
Venom let go of a sigh of relief, gently setting down the aviators. He knew it would be a long, hard road, but he could feel in his gut Kaz would one day be released from his own nightmare. Even if he could only hope.
Snake had started to nod off while reminiscing, but he lingered in wakefulness, not quite crossing the threshold with his mind so busy. Kaz was still nestled close against him, though he had turned towards him, his warm fingers twitching as they lay on his chest. Venom breathed deep, slowly, his chest a languid rise and fall as the new position allowed him to wrap his arm around his slumbering lover.
He lifted his free arm to put his hand over Kaz’s, squeezing lightly. Kaz made a muffled grunt but didn’t move, undisturbed. It kept Venom at ease, realizing just how far Miller had come even as the deck kept piled high against him. He’d feared the night terrors would return after the truth of Big Boss’ deception hit, but of all the times they had shared a bed, there had been no hints of recurrence.
It was a relief as they remained neck-deep in reports and recruits, making Venom wonder what it would be like to spend a night outside of their solid steel walls; how Kaz would react to a day away from Mother Base. His fears of Kaz having a breakdown had passed unrealized, and no longer struggling with the confusion of his memories versus the intention of Big Boss’ will, he longed for the days no longer in reach - for days when they could just be men, playing guitar on a star-lit beach.
But it would have to wait. It wasn’t time for such a fantasy. No, instead he immersed himself in Kaz’s presence, tilting his head so that his chin brushed the top of Kaz’s head. He pressed a kiss upon his temple before he took another deep breath, filling his lungs with what was completely and only Kaz before drifting back into a dreamless sleep.