Chapter Text
When Regulus Black is told to stay away from someone, he feels the intense need to do everything he can to put them in his proximity. Regulus can’t help himself; if a person tells him not to fuck someone, it’s because they know it’s somebody Regulus would fuck if given the opportunity. And, for whatever reason, they don’t want Regulus to have them.
No matter the reasoning behind the warning, Regulus usually ends up taking them to bed anyway. There’s something about being told he can’t have someone that makes Regulus want them even more than if they had been readily available. Regulus knows this is a good one when Sirius emphatically tells him he cannot under any circumstances try and get into James Potter’s pants, no matter what.
Regulus is meeting his brother’s friends for the first time since moving back into town, and he’d be nervous if he weren’t so intrigued. It’s no secret that Regulus wants what’s off-limits to him, and Sirius has made it very clear that James is off-limits.
“Show me a picture.”
“What— no!”
“How am I going to know which one to avoid?”
“You’ll know.”
“What if it’s your wolf boy?”
Sirius glares at him as he pulls out his phone and presumably swipes to Instagram. He turns it around and Regulus leans in, squinting his eyes so he can examine the post.
Regulus tilts his head, a calculating expression on his face. It takes him five seconds to decide that yes, he very much would like to fuck James Potter. He straightens back up and deadpans. “It really is disturbing that you know my type this well.”
Sirius splutters. “Don’t make it sound weird!”
Regulus has to keep himself from laughing. “I can’t make any promises, Sirius.”
Sirius sighs and sits down on the main couch in his living room, motioning for Regulus to join him. He reluctantly does.
“Look, Reggie, he doesn’t do that sort of thing.”
Regulus raises an eyebrow, only more intrigued. “What sort of thing?”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “He’s religious.” He pauses. “And also straight.”
Regulus narrows his eyes. “If he’s so straight, why not say that first?”
Sirius swats at his arm, and Regulus swats back, not appreciating the gesture. Sirius has seemed to gain an ounce of common sense because he leaves it alone after that. “Remus is convinced he’s gay, but it makes no sense, he’s only ever been interested in Lily. And Remus has shit gaydar.”
Regulus scrunches his nose. He doesn’t know much about Lily; just that she is one of Sirius’ many friends. “I can still fuck him if he likes girls, I don’t discriminate.”
Sirius slams his head in his hands. “He’s not gay.”
Regulus raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t think I was gay, either.”
“But— that’s different.”
“How?”
Sirius stares at him, eyes cutting daggers. “Because you’re gay, and also a slut, and James is a good Christian boy who you will not be defiling.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, a hint of a smile on his lips. “You were a slut before Lupin too, you can’t judge.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to fuck James, I wanted to fuck Moony.”
“I question your discernment.”
Sirius swats his arm again, and Regulus decides to leave it at that.
The first one Regulus meets is Remus. He should’ve known to question Sirius when he asked to take him out to a bookstore for ‘sibling bonding time,’ because, conveniently, Remus was there too.
Regulus is the most wary of meeting Remus simply because he’s the one dating Sirius, and Regulus knows Remus’ opinion is important to his brother. Regulus doesn’t want to make a wrong impression on Remus, and more importantly, Regulus doesn’t want to hate him. Regulus has a bit of a track record of hating Sirius’ boyfriends.
Regulus actually likes Remus, and if his brother wasn’t so fond of him, he’d consider taking him for himself.
The second one Regulus meets is Peter, and this time, Sirius decides to actually tell him that he’s planning on introducing them. Sirius takes him to the coffee shop Peter works at, and while it was only a brief interaction, it went well. Sirius has only good things to say about Peter, and he seems to be a good friend in return, so Regulus honestly can’t ask for more.
The only one left for Regulus to meet is James. If Sirius had his way, the two would never interact, but Regulus tends to be very persistent.
Regulus and Sirius are sitting in his living room in silence when Regulus randomly blurts out “You should really stop being a bitch and let me meet James already.”
Sirius looks up from his phone— where he was likely texting Remus— and sighs. “He’ll be here soon enough. His practice is about to end.”
Regulus is suddenly grateful for the years his mother made him keep every emotion off of his face, because he has to hide his shock. “Were you going to tell me he’s coming?”
Sirius shrugs and looks back down at his phone, starting to type something else out. “I would’ve told you eventually.”
Regulus frowns. He doesn’t have it in him to be mad— he’s getting what he wants, after all. “Well, at least you finally listened.”
Sirius rolls his eyes but doesn’t look up. “I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for him. He really wants to meet you for some reason.”
Regulus’ stomach jumps. James has been asking about him? Maybe this will be easier than he thought.
After a few more minutes pass the door swings open, and in comes James Potter, evidently unaware that Regulus is here. He’s speaking into the phone in Hindi, and while he doesn’t know what he’s saying, he sounds happy.
James hangs up the phone, yells out “Sirius, I’m home,” and walks in, eyes widening when he sees Regulus. Regulus has just been sitting on the couch staring at him, which he now realizes is probably awkward, but he can’t show that he cares.
Regulus can practically hear Sirius grinning when he yells “Prongs, you’re back from war,” and bolts up to throw his arms around him, causing James to laugh. The two of them are certainly a sight to see; if Regulus wasn’t already sure that Sirius was in love with Remus, he’d think they were a couple.
James eventually pushes Sirius off, reasoning, “I’m all sweaty, Sirius, let me take a shower before jumping me.” Sirius just pouts.
James turns to face Regulus, a giant smile on his face, and Regulus could honestly melt. “You’re Reggie, yeah?”
Oh, Regulus will not fall for a boy who calls him Reggie on the first try. His already neutral expression slips into a frown. “It’s Regulus.”
James laughs, and while Regulus would usually find anyone laughing in this situation annoying, he can’t help but find him endearing. Sirius really does know way too much about his taste in men.
“It’s nice to meet you, Reggie. I gotta go shower, but I’m going to church this weekend if you want to come?”
Now, Regulus has two options here: tell James no, and try to get in his pants some other way, or say yes, and speed up the whole process. There’s also the bonus of pissing his brother off. Yeah, he’d have to actually step inside of the church building, but how bad can it be?
Regulus raises an eyebrow. “Sure, but I’m not praying.”
James laughs again, and honestly, Regulus wishes he would stay just so he can hear the sound more. Regulus wants to bottle it up and take it with him everywhere. “Alright, I’ll just pray for the both of us.” James has the audacity to wink as he walks out, presumably to go shower, and Regulus can feel himself blushing. One wink and he’s blushing.
Regulus turns to his brother and scowls when he sees the dumbfounded look on his face. “What?” He crosses his arms.
“Why did you say yes? No one ever agrees to go with him.”
Regulus raises an eyebrow again with a much more irritated look on his face than before. “I already told you, I’m going to fuck him.”
Sirius gapes at him again, and honestly, his brother is way too predictable. “You’re literally not allowed.”
Regulus doesn’t flinch; he just keeps his same skeptical expression, hoping that he’ll concede sooner rather than later. “I genuinely do not care if you don’t want me to, Sirius, I’ll have sex with James if he wants me to.”
Sirius sits down on the couch and throws his head in his hands like the dramatic son of a bitch that he is. “This sucks, I can’t even fuck your best friend to get back at you.”
“I’m honestly surprised Barty hasn’t ever tried.”
“Oh, he has.”
“Figures.”
They lapse into an easy silence, one that hasn’t always come naturally to the two of them, but they’ve grown into over time. Regulus fixes his mind on James in the shower. He hopes he’s thinking of him. This shouldn’t be too difficult; James is beautiful, but he knows he is too. If he has any logic in that brain of his, then James will let Regulus ruin him.
At his mother’s funeral, Regulus swore he would never enter a church building again, for nothing good happens in the pews of a chapel. Regulus never saw himself ever going back on his vow, but then James Potter entered his life, and he found himself quickly rendered wrong. Nothing is holier than the boy in front of him. He’s on his knees, praying to a God that does not exist, attempting to ask for redemption.
Regulus hasn’t witnessed communion since he was a child, but it is exactly as he remembered; the preacher speaks on Jesus’ supposed sacrifice to man, prays over the congregation, and trays of wine and bread are passed around for those who believe to partake from. James takes his communion and hands the tray over to Regulus, who passes it on to the stranger next to him without a second thought.
Regulus watches as James bends his head down to pray. When he was a child, he would pretend to pray, thinking of anything other than God under the pretense of worship. More often than not, he’d think of Sirius. Sometimes he would talk to him. Regulus doesn’t think James is making this up, though. His eyes are shut and a concentrated expression has taken over his face; in the short time he’s known him, he hasn’t seen him look like this.
Regulus is very well acquainted with people who fake their way through religion, but it’s obvious to him that James is dedicated to God. He wonders what it would be like to be loved by James like this. He can’t help but find himself jealous of something that isn’t even real; James is entirely focused on his God, and Regulus, the one right next to him, has been forgotten.
In all actuality, Regulus is not sure who he is more jealous of; a God that is loved by James but does not exist, or James himself, who is entirely real, and is healed through the love he tells himself God has for him.
Regulus isn’t sure why he’s so fixated on James. He doesn’t know him, but he wants to. He wants to be the one to rip apart James Potter and slowly piece him back together. Made as a new creation. Holy, not in the eyes of God, but in his own.
Regulus wonders what James would look like on his knees, worshiping Regulus instead of his God. Putting his mouth to better use than hymns. Praise coming out in moans rather than prayers. James is nothing if not a devoted disciple, and Regulus is sure that he would be just as thorough of a lover.
James lifts his head up as the preacher starts to talk, but Regulus doesn’t look away from him. After a few moments, James looks over at him with a small smile on his face, and Regulus doesn’t even care that he was caught staring.
“You really should pay attention,” James whispers, and Regulus has to refrain from rolling his eyes.
“You’re far more interesting,” Regulus replies just as quietly, and in the dim lighting, he can almost see James blush.
The sermon continues on with much less fanfare, as Regulus is content to sit and watch James, mind running rampant.
Regulus’ mind short circuits when, after he stands up at the end, James goes down on his knees to pray one last time in front of him. He’s facing the chair like Regulus thought only Catholics did, but it’s still close enough to him that images of James in front of him in a much different setting come to mind. Regulus tries to get himself to think of other things, as he’d rather not get hard in the middle of a church congregation.
You can guess how well that worked out for him.
James is on his knees looking up at Regulus, but he’s no longer in the pews of a church; rather, he’s in his bedroom, Regulus’ hand in his hair keeping him down.
Without thinking, James reaches out to shove Regulus’ pants down, his cock twitching when he hears Regulus’ breathing hitch. James mouths at the wet spot on his boxers, causing Regulus to take matters into his own hands by pulling them off himself. James eyes his cock hungrily, mouth slightly parted, but he waits for Regulus to move any further.
“Go ahead, James,” Regulus says, sounding surprisingly in control. James wants to make him so incoherent he can’t even form words. So, he leans in and licks a stripe from tip to base, not breaking eye contact. James wants to see the effect he’s having on the boy in front of him. He comes back down and swirls his tongue around his tip, collecting all the pre-cum, drinking up the pretty sounds Regulus is making.
James finally takes Regulus into his mouth, and he can’t help but moan as his eyes flutter closed. He lets Regulus guide his head up and down, hollowing his cheeks out to make the glide better. The sound of the wet glide mixed with Regulus' steady chant of “James, James, oh fuck— James,” is better than any worship music he’s ever heard.
James reaches down to take his own cock into his hand, moving it up and down to the same rhythm as Regulus. He opens his eyes to see Regulus’ trained on him, and he moans hard, the sound muffled by the cock in his mouth. “God, you’re so beautiful James,” he hears Regulus say, and it sends him into overdrive.
James is so close, so close, he can feel himself on the brink of destruction, one step away from the edge of insanity. He’d go there if Regulus asked him to. He’d keep himself on his knees, jaw aching and eyes watering for hours if Regulus only gave the inclination that that’s what he wanted. James would pray to him, but this already feels like a prayer, each sound and eye contact far more intimate than any words.
James pulls himself harder, chasing that sweet release, begging for the feeling of Regulus’ cum sliding down his throat. He wants to taste him, then lift his hand up for Regulus to taste James too. He closes his eyes and focuses on the sounds Regulus is making, hearing him chant his name, feeling the warm slip of him going in and out past his lips.
Heat coils in the pit of his stomach, and he’s so close, almost there, almost,—
James’ alarm blares through, causing him to jolt up, having to take a few seconds to reorient himself to where he is. It only takes him a moment to realize that he’s painfully hard and leaking after having a wet dream about Regulus. A guy he’s only met twice. A guy.
James isn’t sure what to make of this. He doesn’t think he’s gay, but, well, dream him seemed to really enjoy Regulus, so maybe he is? Or maybe he wants to be gay? Maybe he’s heard Remus and Sirius one too many times and got too curious. He’s thought about Remus before, but he always assumed that’s because he has a hot best friend, and who doesn’t fantasize about their hot best friends?
James considers his options. He could go take a cold shower and ignore this, or he could indulge himself, see if he really is attracted to Regulus, or if it was just a weird dream. James wonders what God would want for him to do.
Ignoring it seems like ignoring his sins, so James gets up to go hop in the shower. Once the water is hot, he gets in and wraps his hand around himself, a small noise coming out at the contact. James leans against the shower wall and closes his eyes, putting his focus on Regulus.
The first thing James thinks about is his eyes. When he first saw them, it struck him that they’re a deeper blue, a shade closer to gray. Sirius has lighter eyes, but his are piercing. Sharp. He remembers not wanting to look away, wanting Regulus to keep his eyes on him. He wonders what Regulus would think if he saw him now.
James thinks about the way Regulus smelled yesterday in church; like roses and green tea and mint. James remembers finding it hard to focus on praying when the way he smelled was so strong. He wishes he was showering with Regulus instead, if only so his scent would envelop him even more than before.
James wonders how Regulus would touch him if it were his hand instead. Would he be fast and rough, finishing him off at a brutal pace, or would he be slow and thorough, driving James insane? His hand would be smaller than his, probably colder. James would ask Regulus to keep his rings on. The way his come would look against the glistening silver…
Would Regulus take control of the situation, or would he want James to? A moan slips out when James thinks about the possibility of Regulus telling him what to do. Giving him orders. James wasn’t expecting to find the thought so enticing, but he thinks he’d enjoy Regulus doing as he pleases with his body.
James imagines them cuddling after having sex, Regulus wearing James’ clothes. He’d look good in his way too big t-shirt. James could rub his hands up through the loose shirt, down to his hips, and below…
James feels heat coil in his core at the thought of Regulus’ cock, so he quickens his pace even faster, breathy sounds falling out uncontrollably. Regulus felt so good in his mouth; he imagines the real thing is even better. He wants to know what he feels like inside of him. He lets out a whimper at the thought of never getting to know. He’s never wanted something more— it feels as if he needs his cock inside of him right in this moment.
That’s when the pleasure becomes too much, and he comes at the thought of Regulus fucking him stupid. He distantly hears himself call out “Reggnh—,” but his ears are ringing, mind foggy as he comes down from his high.
James mind is blissfully empty as he washes himself off and finishes his shower, only stopping to think about what just happened after he wraps himself in a towel.
So, he thinks he’s attracted to Regulus. Does that make him gay? He’s objectively beautiful, but he’s also a man, so surely it does? Or maybe he’s just appreciating what should be appreciated. A man like Regulus deserves to be worshiped. There’s nothing wrong with him acknowledging that.
Except, there is everything wrong with that. James shouldn’t be having sexual thoughts about anyone, let alone a man.
James sighs, both frustrated and confused, and picks up his phone, dialing Remus’ number. He answers fairly quickly which James is grateful for.
“Hey, Remus?”
“James? Hey.”
“Um,” he clears his throat. “Are you alone?”
There’s silence on the other end for a few extra seconds. “Yeah, what’s up?”
James bites his lip, nervous. “How did you know you were gay?”
James wonders if he should be talking to Frank or someone else from the church instead, but Remus has always been his go-to person for crises.
Remus takes the time to think of his answer. “I’ve honestly always known. I’ve never been into girls the way I’ve been into guys.”
James frowns. That doesn’t help him— he’s always been into girls. “I like girls, though.”
“You can like both.”
James sighs, getting a little frustrated. “Can’t I just appreciate beautiful men and be straight still?”
“What?”
“Like, hypothetically, let’s say you meet someone objectively really pretty, and he just so happens to be a guy, but you need to know what he tastes like just because he’s so beautiful. Is that gay, or just common sense?”
“That sounds pretty gay, Prongs.”
“Oh.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, you know.”
James sighs. “It’s just unexpected.”
There’s silence for a moment. “You don’t have to know for sure, okay? Just take it slow and see how it goes.”
“Yeah, okay, thanks Moony.”
James hangs up the phone before Remus can ask any questions and flops down onto his bed. James puts his head in his hands and groans. Has Regulus made him gay!? James is sure he was attracted to Lily, so maybe he’s just bisexual. Either way, this comes as a surprise to him. He was never expecting to be this into anyone, let alone Sirius’ little brother.
James groans at the thought of Sirius finding out. That’s going to be a nightmare. He can’t help but feel as if Regulus might be worth it, sin or not.
James decides he needs to talk to Frank, his small group leader. He needs someone who understands what it’s like to struggle with the feeling of wanting something so desperately but not being able to have it.
James is well aware of Frank’s infatuation with Alice, and he knows how difficult it’s been for Frank to hold back. But he has said that they have remained pure, and James believes him. Frank isn’t the type to lie.
Later that day, James slides into the only occupied pew, thankful Frank showed up.
“Thanks for coming,” James says, and Frank smiles.
“It’s no problem, James. You know I’m always here for you,” Frank says easily.
James returns his smile. He looks to the statue of Jesus in front of them and sighs. He doesn’t know how to do this; he doesn’t know how to come out and confess at the same time. James decides to bury the lead.
“She’s beautiful,” James says. “I don’t know how I’m going to avoid her.”
“You don’t have to see her again,” Frank says, but James knows that’s not true. Every molecule he’s made up of knows what’s bound to happen. Instead, James nods.
“How do you know if you’ve really repented? If God’s forgiveness counts?” James asks, chewing on his lip.
“If you’ve repented, you won’t commit the same sins over and over again, James. And Jesus already died for your sins, you are already forgiven,” Frank explains.
James huffs, frustrated. It’s almost as if God predestined Regulus to be in his life, then is trying to tell James he can’t have him.
“Do I need to repent if I haven’t done anything?” James asks.
Frank hums. “That’s hard. Actions are what really matter,” he says. “But thoughts can be sins, too.”
James nods, frowning slightly. “How do you know if it is or isn’t a sin?”
Frank considers this. “Sinful thoughts are only sinful if you’ve welcomed them and accepted them into your mind. And they become actions when you’ve acted on the thought. That’s the difference,” he says, a finality to his voice.
James has to suppress a groan. He’s definitely welcomed the thought of Regulus into his mind. His only saving grace is that he hasn’t acted on it. Yet.
“Thanks, Frank. I think I need to spend some time here alone,” James says.
“Of course, let me know if you need anything else,” Frank replies, clapping James on his shoulder before leaving.
James spends the better part of an hour sitting there, a mix between praying and contemplating.
James isn’t sure what he is going to do, but he knows one thing; his desire for Regulus black might be too much of a temptation to give up.