Work Text:
ML: Ezra. Need a 2nd opinion
EB: !!!
EB: Master I have never been more honored
ML: from lady tano
EB: ☹ why not from meeeeeeee?????
ML: because
ML: u r still a maggot
ML: make a cocoon
ML: we will talk then
ML: tell lady tano to answer comm. Thank u. goodbye
EB: I am OUT of puberty. I am a full butterfly. I have unfurled my wings
ML: u r a moth
EB: owo
EB: what kind of moth?
ML: tano 1st
EB: UGH fine.
EB: Maul is trying to call you
AT: isn’t it sexy how I don’t answer?
EB: no
AT: you wouldn’t know, kid.
EB: I know sexy. Kanan told me about it. And Hera. And Zeb.
AT: you’re growing into a real looker, aren’t you?
EB: idk. I guess.
AT: don’t worry about it. Tell Maul no.
EB: he won’t tell me what kind of moth I am if I don’t. I HAVE to know what kind of moth I am.
AT: what is this, a holoquiz? Tell him no, Ezra.
EB: You tell him
AT: no
EB: this was unhelpful. Goodbye.
AT: oh my gods, you’re starting to talk like M. Windu. That is the cutest thing.
EB: NO IM NOT
AT: lol. Peace, brat ✌️
EB: Maul. Ahsoka says she won’t answer. But I tried to make her. Does that count?
ML: u r saying i should reward failure?
EB: yes. Because I tried.
ML: i do not reward failure. Try again
EB: Kanan does
ML: I kno it is hard sometimes
ML: but u must remember
ML: jarrus is pale. w/ stupid hair and annoying
ML: I am none of those things
ML: try again.
EB: what if she says no?
ML: use ur training
EB: YES
EB: Ahsoka. You want to answer Maul’s messages.
AT: oh? Do I?
EB: You want to answer Maul’s messages.
AT: hmmmm
EB: You definitely want to.
SW: what’s happening here? Why are we ignoring maul this time?
AT: there is a moth identity at stake
EB: you WANT to answer Maul’s messages. You WANT to so so so so so so bad.
AT: hmmmmmmm
SW: I want to be a moth. What kind of moth am I?
AT: you’ll have to ask Maul. He’s the only one who knows apparently.
SW: Ezra ask Maul what kind of moth I am
EB: Ahsoka. You! Want!!!!!!! to answer Maul’s messages!!!!!
AT: HMMMMMM
AT: Caleb, I need you to know that Ezra thinks mind tricks work over text.
AT: I don’t need you to try in any way to fix this. I just need you to know. And I think M. Billaba and Windu would find that extremely entertaining.
KJ: he’s doing what?
AT: is trying to mind trick me. Through text.
KJ: Ezra, why?
AT: don’t ask those questions. He wants Maul to tell him what kind of moth he thinks he is.
KJ: is this some personality quiz again?
KJ: I swear, he’s obsessed
AT: it is a rite of passage. Send this to the Olds [image: transcript]
KJ: oh, Ezra.
KJ: Masters, I present to you a gift from our deepest friend and associate, Lady Tano: [image: transcript]
DB: Who is this?
KJ: That would be Ezra talking to Ahsoka
DB: and the other one?
KJ: resident mandalorian
DB: oh I see.
MW: Tell him that he can mindtrick a ghost.
DB: Master, no
KJ: will do
DB: padawan, no
KJ: Windu says that we should tell him that you can mindtrick a ghost
AT: Say less.
AT: Maul, I need you to tell Ezra that he can mindtrick a ghost
ML: finally u respond
ML: please tell feral and savag to cease and desist
AT: why? They’re your brothers. They love you against all odds and evidence and want you to be married off to someone so you finally stop shaming the family in the eyes of Dathomirian gods and society. What’s the issue here?
ML: I do not wish 2 mary
AT: I mean.
AT: sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re pretty much already married to Obi-Wan. If you told them that you were already living with a common law husband, they might stop trying to send social workers this way tho
ML: this is my dignity we r speaking of
AT: okay. So if I tell them that you’re common law married, will you tell Ezra to mindtrick a ghost?
ML: sure
AT: done.
EB: KANAN I LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.
KJ: from the scraggly bastard?
EB: yes
KJ: you know how I feel about the scraggly bastard.
EB: I know
EB: BUT. He taught me a trick I bet even you don’t know.
KJ: go on.
EB: I can’t do it over text. We have to find a sith.
KJ: a sith.
EB: a dead one. Like Plagueis.
KJ: we have to find a dead sith.
EB: ye
KJ: Ezra my interest in the trick is dissolving into wrinkles.
EB: NO
KJ: I am becoming one big forehead of concern
EB: NO. NO.
KJ: my skepticism is overtaking me. It is so heavy, ezra.
EB: Fine. I’ll find the sith. You wait there. Okay I found one. Maul says his name is Yan.
KJ: …yan you say?
EB: yeah
EB: why?
KJ: no reason. Go on. You have found your dead sith.
EB: Im gonna mind trick him
KJ: oh?
KJ: a ghost?
EB: yeah
KJ: go on then, send me a holo w/audio descriptions
EB: k one second
EB: [link]
EB: so you can’t see it or like, hear it, but he’s mindtricked. I told him that he wanted to go away, so he went away.
KJ: how did you know he was there?
EB: Maul told me he was
KJ: and now he’s gone?
EB: yeah
KJ: Maul said he went away too?
EB: yeah. COOL, RIGHT?
KJ: I take everything I said back, Ezra. The scraggly bastard has some use after all. I will share this with your grandmaster and great-grandmaster
EB: please do. Everyone is still learning, even old people.
KJ: [link]
KJ: Hera tells me that it speaks for itself.
DB: Did he say Yan. As in?
KJ: Yes. say what you will about Maul but he does have a sense of humor
MW: I am sending this to Yoda. I feel that he will enjoy it perhaps a third as much as I do. Thank you, Caleb. This is a delight.
KJ: when should I tell E that the sith don’t have ghosts?
DB: when he’s 30
MW: she has spoken.
KJ: Do you remember those popsicles that Crechemaster Ali used to make for us?
AT: yeah why?
KJ: what was in them that made them so red?
AT: food dye
KJ: what? No. Master Ali would never have let us have anything with dye in it
AT: I caught him putting it in
KJ: no. when?
AT: it’s because we saw those kids out in the lower levels eating them
AT: and he made a batch for us in His Way but it was like. Icy muja slime and no one finished theirs. he was so upset he remade them with real sugar AND dye.
KJ: Master Ali, you filthy liar
AT: I know. I take it you tried to find some?
KJ: Hera got one for me and promised me it was muja but it tasted so wrong I was taken off guard
AT: yeah. I think they use some kind of flavoring in the normal-people ones. Like a chemical.
KJ: I don’t know if Ezra has ever had popsicles or muja and now I’m too afraid to ask
KJ: every time I talk to this kid, it’s like he gives me another chunk of fucked up backstory. Yesterday he told me that mud is warmer than water after dark and like okay? I know that and you know that, but how does he know that.
AT: sounds like you guys should make him a popsicle. I bet Sabine would be into that, too.
KJ: do they have popsicles on Mandalore?
AT: genuinely: I have no clue
KJ: Kenobi would know, right?
AT: oh yeah he’d know
KJ: Master Kenobi, apologies for interrupting your day. I am trying to be kind to my local hellions; do you happen to know if Mandalorians have the equivalent of popsicles in their culture?
OK: oh yes
KJ: are they good?
OK: oh no
KJ: what’s bad about them?
OK: Well, to be honest, Caleb, my master never allowed me to have but one as a boy, and to this day, I suspect he ensured I received a discouraging impression from it, so I don’t wish to speak universally about the species.
KJ: the species of popsicle?
OK: correct.
KJ: In that case, what did you feel about the Mandalorian Popsicle in the instance you tried it?
OK: sour.
KJ: in a good way?
OK: no.
OK: have you ever licked the inner foam of a cactus? One of the round ones?
KJ: Why would anyone do that?
OK: no reason.
OK: My advice if you are in search of the sweeter cuisine from the glassed planets would be to stick with their cakes.
KJ: thank you, sir. This has been very helpful.
KJ: your grandmaster licked the inside of a cactus and I feel like you should address that with him.
AT: Master Ti told me the other day that Obi-Wan was a bad boy in his generation, so this information does not surprise me.
KJ: a bad boy? M. Kenobi? I’ll believe it when I see it.
AT: yeah did you know he was slated for the Agricorps?
KJ: NO WAY.
AT: yeah, wild right? He was nearly aging out in the old system because he kept fucking fighting the other initiates, then I guess he ended up trying to explode himself in a mine on Bandomeer before Master Jinn convinced him to maybe seek alternate solutions. After that, Jinn took him as his padawan.
KJ: See, funny story, he just told me his master fed him a disgusting popsicle on Mandalore as discouragement from ever asking for one again.
AT: don’t you wonder how they worked out how to pair us up like this? I always felt like there was someone pairing us up, even in the old days.
KJ: had to have been yoda trying to create the most chaos he possibly could.
AT: idk you and M. Billaba got on just fine
KJ: her chaos is hidden but let me assure you. It is there.
AT: tell me
KJ: no I musn’t
AT: tell me
KJ: alright. anytime a master or knight sends her something, she deletes it and replies in a totally fresh message.
AT: every time?
KJ: every time.
AT: what if she needs to refer back?
KJ: She does not need to refer back.
AT: your lineage is scary in its own way, actually
KJ: you’re welcome
AT: have fun with your popsicles
EB: AHSOKA
AT: EZRA
EB: Kanan tried to poison us.
SW: we lived tho
SW: unkillable
AT: we’ll see about that
SW: *unkillable by treats
EB: *Unpoisonable
SW: yeah that
AT: you didn’t like the ice he made you? Our crechemasters used to make it for us. It’s nostalgic.
EB: your crechemasters hated you
SW: yeah they wanted the whole lot of you gone. Salted. Razed.
AT: Speak not of Master Ali with such cruelty. Apologize to him. Right now. This is not a joke.
EB: sorry master ali
SW: sorry master ali.
AT: better. I’m sure the ices were fine. I bet he even used real sugar.
EB: what do you mean ‘real’ sugar?
AT: our masters were very particular about the nutrition of our diets. They tried to limit the amount of straight sugar we consumed so that we would not develop too strong a fondness for it. Something about tooth decay.
EB: ew
SW: so they used like dates or something?
AT: most of the time
SW: I’m sorry they did you like that, Ahsoka.
EB: yeah same. You guys have never truly lived until you’ve had a muja razz when the asphalt is hot enough to give off the shimmers
SW: MUJA razz? You come into this house with MUJA razz?
EB: I said what I said
SW: lime.
EB: no
SW: I’ll say it again
EB: DON’T
SW: LIME
EB: Ahsoka she’s hurting me
AT: what the fuck is a razz
SW: oh
EB: oh
EB: its like
SW: it’s like a tube but with a flat end and its hard until you squish it with your hands and then you peel off the top and its soft frozen juice inside.
AT: where do I find one?
SW: fuel stations
EB: fuel stations
AT: Caleb.
KJ: what
AT: you have to try this thing
AT: and you know who else has to try this thing? Cal. Cal loves blue things.
KJ: what is this thing?
AT: called a razz.
KJ: where does one acquire it
AT: fuel station
AT: .35CR
KJ: I have .35CR
AT: tell Hera to help you get the pink one
KJ: Ahsoka
AT: I know, right?
KJ: Cal would love this so much. Where is he?
AT: idk I can ask Gungi
AT: Hey G, where’s Cal?
GG: 🚠🌋
AT: perf, thanks. You got his freq?
GG: [Contact: C. Kestis]
AT: you’re a star. Also you need to try this [image].
GG: 👛 🪙 🧊?
AT: .35CR.
GG: !!!!
AT: hey bitch long time no see, hear, etc.
AT: do you have .35CR?
CK: who is this?
AT: A. Tano
CK: !! Ahsoka! Hello!
AT: do you have .35CR?
CK: do you need a loan?
AT: no, do you have the money or not.
CK: I do. Why?
AT: are you near a fuel station?
CK: within a mile or so, why?
AT: go get one of these [image].
AT: it’ll be in the chest freezer in the popsicle prison part.
CK: ice hurts my teeth
AT: weak
CK: wow
AT: tell me what you think when you get one
CK: but ice hurts my teeth
AT: Cal this is not a real problem, deal with it.
CK: you haven’t changed at all.
AT: ew don’t cry.
CK: I can’t help it
AT: well stop can’t-ing. Caleb and I are sitting here trying to spread a little godsdamn cheer.
CK: lol. Man, I missed you guys. Okay. I’ll see if I can find one.
CK: this is life changing.
CK: what is it and how did you know it would be at the fuel station?
CK: are they all .35CR?
CK: how much are they out of the midrim?
AT: hold on let me add you to me and Caleb’s chat. He’s blind now, don’t send anything without the alt desc on.
CK: I’m sorry he’s WHAT
AT: Look who finally rejoined the land of the living
CK: Caleb???
KJ: CAL! Hello! Long time no see, hear, etc.!
CK: yeah same to you. I heard you’re blind now?
KJ: oh yeah it happens. My padawan’s other shit master ruins everything but you know, I’m moving forward
CK: your padawan?
KJ: oh
KJ: yeah
KJ: I uh
KJ: found one?
CK: you found one? How? Did anyone tell you where to go? What did they say? Was there some kind of document or artifact? Some kind of record they were using?
KJ: no, nothing like that. See the thing about Ezra is that he finds you. You don’t find him. I should have specified.
CK: Ezra what?
KJ: Bridger.
CK: I don’t know him.
KJ: yeah obviously not. You have a vision or something? What’s going on with you?
CK: haha nothing
KJ: leaving that
KJ: did you try the ice triangle?
CK: I tried it
CK: why is your name KJ?
KJ: it’s a long story. What did you think?
CK: It is everything to me. I can’t believe I’ve lived this long without it. It’s only .35CR? How is that possible?
KJ: I know. Hera bought me a box (they come in boxes for 3CR if you have a freeze unit). I am obsessed
CK: who’s hera?
AT: his girlfriend
KJ: she is not my girlfriend. Gods. This isn’t year 4
CK: is she…nice?
AT: she’s hot
CK: nice
KJ: HEY.
AT: what about you, Cal? Any boos? Any babes? Any padawans we should know about?
CK: no
KJ: you’re lying
CK: how can you just know that?
KJ: your pauses are obvious
CK: I missed you so much
KJ: well you don’t have to. If you want to padawan-sit I have one and a half to loan you.
AT: the half is a baby Mandalorian he also found
KJ: they are monsters. They found the markers I locked in the backroom and are turning all the overhead alarm lights blue.
AT: they live in turbulent, terrifying times, Caleb. Red lights are harbingers of doom and endless horror. If they want them to be blue, let them be blue.
KJ: the fuckin bulb is red, they’re just coloring the casing
AT: well they don’t know that, Caleb, see they are youths. Let them live a little. how many times do I have to say this?
KJ: Cal I will pay you any amount of money for a day of peace on this ship
CK: I would love to meet your padawan(s?)
AT: and the baby mando?
CK: and the baby mando. What are your coordinates?
KJ: Ahsoka, I know I agreed to this, but is this a bad idea?
AT: territorial over your padawan now, are you?
AT: that’s maul behavior
KJ: shut up
AT: hee hee
KJ: I’m just being overprotective. Cal will keep them safe, won’t he?
AT: yes, Caleb. Cal will keep them safe. If you want to have sex at least once this year, now’s your chance.
KJ: Can you check on them? Ezra gets defensive when I do it these days.
AT: pft yeah sure I’ll check on them. Go already. They’ll be fine.
AT: hey kids, it’s been 4 hours with Uncle Cal. How’re we doing?
AT: hello? Youths? Minions?
AT: it’s been 5 hours, are we alive?
AT: Cal, where are you? The kids aren’t answering their messages.
AT: Cal?
AT: oh for the love of
AT: Maul.
ML: what
AT: I need either you or Obi-Wan to space hop 4 parsecs.
ML: y
AT: A friend of mine and Jarrus took the kids for the day and now they’re out of contact. I tracked their coordinates to a station in orbit of Scarif. Place is crawling with imps. Their dot is sitting right in the fucking station.
ML: cannot
AT: this is Ezra, Maul. Your apprentice.
ML: 1) learning opportunity
ML: 2) not home. Vehicles grounded.
ML: The chosen one decides today of all days to run into a monsoon.
AT: luke did?
ML: mhm
AT: these boys are going to be the death of me. Okay. You guys track Luke, I’ll see about the others. You know anyone close by who might be able to assist? I’m in the core atm.
ML: yes.
ML: but you will not like it
BF: hello hello this is boba fett
BF: you bill ‘em, we kill ‘em
BF: will this be cash or card?
AT: you have GOT to be kidding me
AT: I didn’t ask for vader’s dog
BF: arf arf my darling
BF: cash or card?
AT: don’t you call me ‘darling.’ you’re always 12 to me. This is Ahsoka Tano.
BF: hmmmmmmmmmm
BF: I technically took an oath to report any appearance of your kind to the big man, but he is also very interesting when he gets mad. So…
BF: yeah alright, I’ll do it. Cash or card?
AT: Card. How close are you to Tatooine?
BF: close enough
AT: I have two kids and a jedi who I need bringing in. Alive. From the Imp station. Can you do it?
BF: yeah let me find that key card thing they gave me for entry hold on
AT: imperial scum
BF: found it
AT: how did you become MORE insufferable?
BF: I got talents people like you can only dream of, babe.
AT: call me babe one more time and I’ll tell Vader who else you’re working for. It’s not just me and that Hutt, is it? Rex said the likes of you has been showing up for work in rebel circles. We’re getting mixed signals here, Boba.
BF: you want ‘em alive, you said?
AT: and uninjured.
BF: got a tracker?
AT: they’re kids.
BF: hold up.
BF: cancelling this order
BF: I don’t do kids
AT: 800CR
BF: you can’t be serious. For 3?
AT: 800CR and whatever intel you want on Vader.
BF: now we’re talking
BF: it’s a 3% surcharge to use card
AT: Bring them to Tatooine. Send me your transfer code.
BF: roger roger. ETA 8hr
AT: 8???
BF: they’re with a jedi, they’ll live that long, won’t they?
AT: make it 6. He’s a weird jedi.
EB: Ahsoka!! We got your texts just now. You sent a bounty hunter to help us? That’s unlike you.
AT: don’t ask questions. Get the fuck out of there, Ezra.
SW: um HELLO? he’s Boba fett? Should we trust him?
AT: Don’t trust him, trust Cal.
AT: heads down. Move. Fett will bring you to Tatooine.
ML: apprentice delivered
AT: Cool. You owe me 400CR
ML: y
AT: because Kanan owes me the other 400CR
ML: you hired a hunter for 800CR?
ML: for 3 people?
AT: don’t think about it
ML: u should tip him
AT: shut UP maul
ML: I will tip him
AT: don’t you encourage him, Maul. And DON’T make friends.
ML: I have tipped
ML: u owe me 500CR
AT: 500CR ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND
ML: inflation is terrible
AT: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
KJ: Cal. Why am I being charged 600CR by our mutual sister figure?
CK: I will pay it. I’ll figure it out. I am so sorry.
CK: the kids are safe. They were a big help.
KJ: Ahsoka’s going to maim you
CK: yeah, she’s given me a run down of what is to happen to each of my limbs. The good news is that your apprentice is really good at mindtricks. Where’d he learn that?
KJ: what do you mean he’s good at mindtricks?
CK: he got every guard passing our cell to give us their keycard until one of them worked to open the first set of doors
CK: all things considered, pretty effective. I was just going to bust up the wiring, but in hindsight that probably would have attracted more attention to us.
CK: you may want to lay low with the kids, though. We got scanned on the way in. They’re associated with a jedi now.
KJ: you’re all menaces and monsters. Thanks for keeping them safe. Next time you babysit, take them to a paddling pool or something.
CK: throw them into a river, confirmed.
KJ: or a cave. Or a sinkhole. Anything you want, just from civilization, preferably.
CK: roger roger. Hand over heart.
KJ: lol
KJ: it’s good to be connected again
CK: yeah it is.