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The scene before Aqua is all too familiar and all too painful.
This specific memory has been repeated multiple times like a broken record player. He knows he’s probably dreaming or that something triggered this flashback. It doesn’t hurt any less.
A younger Hoshino Aqua holds onto Hoshino Ai’s slowly deteriorating and bloody body as her lifeline slowly fades away. He wishes this wasn’t real. Deep down, Aqua knows he’s just imagining things, he knows this, but still–
Aqua clings to Ai tighter. He’s so close to her, and yet so far; out of his reach. Her near-dead body is almost freezing to the touch, he thinks, but so warm as Ai runs her fingers through his hair. Aqua can feel her blood from her fingertips; seeping through his hair, penetrating deep into his roots and into his skull. The two are covered in Ai’s blood. Their clothes are stained a crimson red. Filthy, so filthy.
Aqua lets hot tears well in his eyes. His lip quivers and his clammy hands tremble as he clings onto Ai’s dirtied apron for dear life. Ai places her bloodied palm on the glass of the door she’s leaning on, the door where Ruby, his sister, stands behind. And Aqua nearly sobs as his mother, his idol, whispers;
“Ruby, Aqua… I love you.” Ai brokenly keens, and Aqua’s pupils blow wide open because no, this can’t be happening, please—
“Ah, I was finally able to say it… I’m sorry… It took me so long to say this. These words.. are definitely not a lie,” Ai cups Aqua’s face, tainting Aqua even further as he feels her blood staining his cheek. He lets a single tear fall down his cheek, mixing into her blood before he lets out a broken “..Ai?”
Ai’s hand falls slack, letting go of her son’s face. Aqua looks up and sees millions of stars and galaxies die out in her eyes as Hoshino Ai takes her last laboured breath.
Ai’s lifeless, now cold corpse will never, ever fail to burn into the back of his retinas as if it was the singular heat death of his universe. Aqua blinks because this can’t be real what just happened, and he blinks again. He starts rapidly blinking his tears away. He doesn’t deserve to cry; not when his mother just died in front of him. Not when he couldn’t even do anything to help her. He is— was a doctor, goddamnit! And-
Aqua blinks again.
Now he's in his living room, sitting on the couch with Ruby cuddling next to him - all of a sudden. With arm clasping with arm and Ruby’s head resting on his shoulder, Aqua groggily comes to his senses as some reality show blares from their television. Disoriented laughs and claps are heard from the screen, as Aqua rapidly blinks once, twice, thrice, making sure he wasn’t imagining things. Her body feels so warm and comforting against his. Did he have a flashback just now? Why?
Suddenly, their doorbell rings. “I’ll get it!” Ruby exclaims as she jumps from the couch. Aqua follows her to the door - already missing the warmth of his sister for whatever reason. Ruby opens the door - and freezes. And Aqua sees an all too familiar stranger in a black hoodie holding an all too familiar bouquet of white roses—
Aqua wakes up, groggily observing his surroundings - he’s at his desk and the splinters from the wooden table prick at his skin. The sensation snaps him back to reality. Panting, he instantly sits up, grasping at his hair and running his fingers through his scalp as he tries to comprehend what just happened. He grabs his blond locks, Just remember, remember what happened. They were watching TV, it was warm, so warm, and—
Ruby.
Aqua rushes down the hall, to a door hung with a sign that reads ‘Ruby’. His breathing quickens as he bursts open the door and whether she’s safe please god let her be okay, please—
Sitting on the edge of her bed, Ruby almost drops her phone as Aqua scrambles to her. He desperately grabs the sides of her face while Ruby’s words of confusion and fear go in and out of Aqua’s ears, mixing and muddling in his brain until her cries are unintelligible against his furiously beating heart. Aqua sputters. He locks his starry, aquamarine eyes with his sister’s wide-open ruby ones and opens his mouth, trying to say something, anything, when his sister suddenly pushes him. Hard.
Aqua’s back hits the wall, sending spikes of adrenaline and pain up his spine. He parts his mouth in a nearly silent gasp, as Ruby chides him. “O-onii-chan, what’s gotten into you? Are you okay? Geez, you scared me..”
Aqua tries to back away from her, legs thrashing on the floor as his back presses into the cement wall even more. His breathing becomes labored and even faster, as Aqua takes in gulps of oxygen. Teal eyes are blown wide open as beads of sweat roll down his forehead. The room spins and spins like those merry-go-rounds he and Ruby used to hang onto barely when they were younger. Aqua can’t think straight, he can’t think at all, as his worried sister hesitantly approaches him like he’s a scared kitten.
“Are you having a panic attack? Onii-chan, please..” Now it was Ruby’s turn to caress Aqua’s face. Her fingers ghost over dark circles hanging under his eyes. Ruby’s face is painted with worry. It’s a terrible look on her.
Aqua takes a deep breath and runs his fingers through his hair. His head is splitting, but he musters an “I.. think so? I don’t know. Sorry, Ruby, I just-”
Everything feels so fast and muddled and unreal.
“Hey, Aqua? Have you been sleeping enough? Gosh, onii-chan, you can’t keep treating yourself like this,” Ruby mumbles. She gets up, and extends a hand to her brother, “Just rest, okay?”
Aqua doesn’t deserve her. Hesitantly, he takes Ruby’s hand and pulls himself up. Holding her brother’s hand, Ruby leads Aqua to her bed; even though it’s barely a few steps away. It’s as if they were children again. Everything happens so fast; his jumbled and tired brain can’t process anything.
Now Aqua’s lying on her bed, slowly sinking himself into the crumpled bed sheets and soft mattress - and letting exhaustion take over him.
When Aqua wakes, he feels strands of hair slightly teasing his face and something wet under his eyes. He opens his eyes, and he’s greeted by a panicked and teary Miyako, desperately calling out his name. Half-awake, Aqua mumbles and can’t grasp what she’s saying, until—
“Aqua, get up, please— Ruby— in the kitchen— she’s—”
Aqua suddenly darts up, no longer half-asleep. “M-Miyako.. What happened? What’s going on—”
Aqua blinks his tired eyes away, and—
Suddenly, he’s in the kitchen and sees.. oh no.
Ruby leans against a marble countertop; her head is tilted sideways, almost like she’s falling asleep. There’s a massive red blotch on her torso, as blood spills out and stains the floor. Her hand’s resting on her stomach, almost obstructed by the giant knife lodged in it. There are white petals strewn near her body, now tinted crimson.
Her eyes— her eyes, ones that used to glimmer with the power of a million galaxies are now half-lidded and dead; Ruby’s one incandescent red irises diminished to an ugly, burnt-out crimson.
Aqua can’t breathe. He stands there, frozen in shock and terror as he sees life slowly drain out of his sister's body.
He blinks again, and now he’s suddenly crouching in front of her. Ruby immediately snaps her head towards Aqua. He flinches and she smiles at him. Aqua swears he can see stars burn in those sanguineous eyes.
Her pale, deathly skin begrudgingly reminds him of a certain someone. Perhaps, from a past life-
“Hey, Aqua. Why are you just standing there? Can’t you come over here and help your poor sister?” Aqua himself is at a loss for words.
“What-?”
“Oh, onii-chan, you big dummy!” Ruby sardonically laughs as her eyes darken even more; “You really can’t do anything, can you?” She grabs Aqua’s trembling hands and brings them to her bloodied face. It’s painfully intimate; “After all, you couldn’t save Mama. You couldn’t even save yourself from that stalker.”
“What are you even talking—”
“Useless, useless, useless. You couldn’t help Mama when she bled out, can’t help your own, poor sister who’s dying. You are— you were a doctor. Isn’t that right, sensei?”
Oh.
“H-how do you know—” Aqua gets cut off as Ruby slowly turns her head back to Aqua,
like a doll. Her eyes burn into his. She places her index finger on his lips, shushing him condescendingly. “You’ve just realized it now? How foolish.”
“You know, you promised me you'd marry me when I turned sixteen.” She looks away from him, tears starting to well up in her eyes. It hurts Aqua to see his sister in pain - not realizing the weight of what she’s saying, “But now, well, things don’t seem to be looking up for me- I can’t believe that I’m going to die before I even get my first kiss. Though… I’d rather slowly die like this than marry the likes of you.”
The scene before Aqua is so, so horrifyingly familiar and painful, and yet more twisted and gut-wrenching. Blood trickles down Ruby’s chin as a tear threatens to slip out of Aqua’s left eye.
“But feel free to kiss my corpse when I finally die, alright, sensei? She smiles so sweetly; it's almost uncanny, “Hah, you’d probably defile it. Everyone knows about your insatiable sister complex. But you can’t even protect the ones you love properly, can you? Not Miyaemon, not Loli-senpai, not Mama, and certainly not me.”
Aqua’s eyes widen as Ruby rolls her own. This isn’t– this isn’t Ruby. Whoever’s in front of him, isn’t the sister he loves, he keeps telling himself.
But whatever’s laid bare before him, is the truth. The whole truth. He gulps. Move - move your goddamn body, help the frail Sarina from dying, he thinks it’s probably Sarina, why is that the first person he’s thinking of right now when that's Ruby, do something, Amemiya Gorou—
Ruby lets go of Aqua’s hands. She grabs his chin and smashes her lips into his. Aqua writhes, trying not to choke. Ruby slips her tongue into his mouth, feeling the wet warmth of her saliva and something else. It tastes like copper, Aqua thinks, as he unintentionally groans at her advances.
Ruby breaks the kiss, letting go of her brother's chin as a string of saliva mixed with blood connects their mouths.
“You’re pathetic, onii-chan.”
He can’t even process what’s going on anymore.
Aqua blinks, and now Ruby’s on top of him. She pins his wrists to the side and locks his legs between her thighs. Looming over him, Ruby’s breath lingers on his face as Aqua bathes in her blood. His eyes go static, nearly entranced.
She still shines like a brilliant star, even on the verge of death. Ruby blinds him, and yet he can’t keep his eyes off her.
Aqua would do anything for Ruby.
After all, she’s his precious sister.
Ruby tilts her head and leans her face into his left ear. Her breath ghosts his lobe. He shivers.
“You ruined me, Aqua,” she whispers, her barely audible voice dripping with venom.
Aqua.
The name rings in his ears like staccato.
Aqua.
Aqua.
Aqua.
Aqua?
Aqua!
“Aqua!”
Shaking an asleep and trembling Hoshino Aqua, Hoshino Ruby frantically calls out her brother's name. The boy isn’t stirring a bit, only groaning and what seems to be him wincing in pain. Beads of sweat drop down his forehead - and Ruby’s sure he’s having another panic attack.
Suddenly, Aqua’s eyes snap open as he gasps. He jerks up, rapidly blinking his eyes as his trembling hands grip the bed sheets. The whole room feels like it’s spinning - and Aqua can barely keep himself upright. Taking shallow, short breaths; he looks to the ceiling and squeezes his eyes shut.
Ruby chews her lip. Her brother’s been acting erratically since the previous evening. She’s worried, but she can’t help but feel frustrated. He’s been behaving weirder than usual today, but why-
“Onii-chan! Hey- Aqua!” Ruby snaps, trying to get her brother's attention. Concerned, she puts a hand on his shoulder. Suddenly aware of her presence, Aqua opens his eyes and turns to Ruby. Ruby doesn't miss the way Aqua flinches at her touch - or how his pupils blow wide open as he looks at her.
Aqua shuts his eyes again. She’s here. She's okay. They’re okay. It’s fine, Ruby is fine, so why—
This can’t be another nightmare. There's no way he’s still dreaming, right? Is this real? Is any of this real? Is Ruby- is she going to die again?
No. It’s simply not possible. He’s awake, and she's beside him, breathing, sitting, touching, worried beside him. And yet.
And yet the rot in his stomach persists, curdling and twisting and wrenching its way up to his throat, threatening to spill over-
And it's getting harder and harder to breathe—
“Aqua. Look at me.” Ruby grabs his shoulders and pulls him so that Aqua’s facing her; cherry-red eyes pierce into him as they make eye contact.
Aqua snaps back to reality from his semi-trance when he notices his sister's gaze on him.
“Uh— okay, how was it supposed to go again? Can you see and name five things in this room right now?”
“I… I see you. I see a wall, and I see your.. alarm clock,” Aqua mutters, noticing the fluorescent digital clock brightly flashing ‘2:29’, “I-I can’t see anything else– it's too dark.”
“Okay— good, that's good- now, can you name four things you can touch?”
“I can touch and feel your mattress and the bedsheets. I feel, weird, like I can't breathe, no- I can feel my shirt,” Aqua absentmindedly mumbles as he darts his eyes to his sister. He takes Ruby’s hand, “I… I can touch you.”
“N-Now, name 3 things you can hear.” Ruby steadies her breathing. Her brother is okay. He’s okay. They’ll be okay.
Aqua sighs, by now figuring out what she’s trying to do. He’s no stranger to panic
attacks, much less being calmed down by them.
“Well, I can hear you. I can hear the air conditioning.” I can hear my heart thumping against my ribcage so hard, is left unsaid. “I can’t hear anything else.”
“Fair. Okay, that's fair- name two things you can smell, I guess. Well, if you can even smell anything in the first place.”
“You know that I can still smell your cherry blossom perfume, right? It’s been hours since you’ve sprayed it on and it still reeks.”
“Wha-?!” Ruby shouts, “It does not reek, Aqua. You just have no class,” the blond girl sighs dramatically as she flips her hair.
“Yeah, right,” Aqua snorts. Somehow, it’s so easy to get back into their familiar routine of bickering and snarky remarks. Almost as if nothing happened. The tension in his shoulders slightly dissipates - though his head still feels heavy.
“Whatever. Since you're so much better that you’ve decided to insult me for no reason, let's just get this over with,” Ruby retorts, though there's no malice in her words. Aqua doesn't miss the way she slightly tenses. “What’s one thing you can taste? Forget it. You have none, anyways-“
“Really?” Aqua leans into Ruby, taking her by surprise as he kisses her. Ruby reciprocates as she eases into the kiss, and Aqua uses this opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth. The rot in his stomach doesn’t ease.
Aqua starts to forget parts of his nightmare. and he doesn't know whether it's a good thing or not. The vulnerability already makes him feel pathetic. He’s rather let his guard down, his stoic and impenetrable seriousness down in front of Ruby - at least they can understand each other, somewhat.
“You didn’t just have a nightmare. You had an episode too, right?” She’s right. Fuck. Aqua grimaces as he reluctantly nods. Curse his twin for knowing him so well. “Want to talk about it?”
“No. I-” He immediately responds, but Ruby cuts him off before he can finish.
“Hey, I’ll always love you, Aqua. Always. I'm right here, yanno… Whatever's going on in that brain of yours,” She pokes the side of Aqua’s head to emphasize her point, “doesn’t matter. I know.. you’re still suffering. Nothing will change that you’re my brother, and… I love you. So take it easy, Aqua, alright? Not just for me, but for yourself. You deserve to be happy.”
Ruby pulls away and smiles softly and Aqua’s breath hitches. Since when did his beloved sister become so mature and thoughtful?
“Ruby, I..” The words die on Aqua’s tongue as his sister pouts, “..Just what’s gotten into you?” she chides, demeanour strangely calmer than her usual self.
“And where’s this coming from? I didn’t even say anything.” he questions.
“I dunno, it’s just that your episodes and nightmares are always really bad, and I feel like I don’t help you much,” she contemplates, “I just felt like you needed it.”
Ruby’s words hang over his brain. Aqua’s flurry of mixed emotions swirl and swell inside him, slowly building up. It’s too much. Her arms feel so warm around him, and he can’t take it anymore.
Aqua buries his face into Ruby's shoulder. The cloth of her sweater scratches his cheek and he never wants to let go, to lose her, ever-
Aqua’s lip trembles as a single tear falls from his eye. That stray tear wells into multiple droplets, streaming down his face. Face hidden from view, Ruby can’t see him - but she can tell her brother is (finally) crying.
Tears run down his broken, beautiful blue eyes as he weeps silently- god, when was the last time Aqua properly cried? Her sweater’s getting damp, Aqua absentmindedly thinks, but he can’t pull himself away from his sister's embrace. Aqua buries himself further into the nook between Ruby’s neck and shoulder, so close that he can nearly smell her tacky perfume as she runs her fingers through her brother's disheveled hair.
They stay like that for what feels like an eternity, simply existing in each others presence. Their breaths sync together and Aqua calms down. He wipes his eyes, seemingly not caring that he just cried his eyes out a few moments. He pulls away from Ruby; and takes her hand. They exchange a smile as Ruby takes his hand as his, slowly rubbing her thumb over his.
“Stupid onii-chan. You always make me worry so much,” Ruby sighs dramatically - but her face is full of adoration. Aqua stifles a laugh and smiles wider at her.
“We should try to get some sleep now,” he mumbles as his sun and star yawns. Ruby flops down to the bed, Aqua following suit. He’s exhausted.
Aqua relaxes into the bed and Ruby cuddles him, hugging him as she nuzzles her face into his chest. Aqua holds onto her for comfort. She feels like home.
All the insecurity and fear slowly dissipate, although some linger. It nearly oozes his thoughts again - but with Ruby wrapped tightly in his embrace, it doesn't matter anymore.
They’ll always have each other - whether in the past, in the future, and right now, at this moment.
No matter what, Aqua thinks, as he drifts into a dreamless sleep.