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They’re eating dinner when Maxy knocks his glass off the table. It bounces on the ground, spilling milk everywhere. Daniel breathes a sigh of relief that it was one of the plastic glasses.
Maxy looks terrified. “I’m sorry, Daddy!”
“It’s okay, darling. It was an accident. Can you stay right there while Daddy cleans up?”
Maxy nods and Daniel hurries to mop up the milk, hoping that having the evidence removed will make Maxy less scared. He tosses the paper towels in the garbage. “There we go, all clean.”
He looks at Maxy and sees that he’s practically vibrating with tension.
Daniel sits back down at the table. “Maxy?”
“Maxy's sorry! Maxy won’t drink milk anymore!”
“Darling, it was just an accident. You can always drink milk. Do you want more now?”
Maxy shakes his head. He stares at Daniel, then gets up and goes to a corner and sits down, staring at the wall.
“Darling?”
“Maxy is in timeout.”
“Okay. Can you explain why, sweetheart?”
“Maxy needs to calm down.”
Daniel can’t tell if Maxy is self-regulating, or if he’s punishing himself.
“Do you find it helpful to calm down like this, darling?”
Maxy doesn’t answer.
“Maxy?” Daniel walks over to Maxy and kneels down beside him. He’s crying silently, tears running down his cheeks.
“Oh, darling, come here,” Daniel says, opening his arms.
Maxy shakes his head. “Maxy can’t! Maxy is in timeout!” he sobs.
“Can Daddy join you?”
Maxy looks at him with huge tear-filled eyes. “Maxy won’t be alone?”
“No, darling. Can I join you, please?”
Maxy nods and Daniel wraps his arms around him. Maxy buries his face in Daniel’s shirt, sobbing.
Daniel strokes Maxy’s back. “You don’t have to go in timeout anymore. You don’t have to be alone.”
“Daddy said Maxy would go in timeout to calm down,” Maxy says, sounding confused.
Daniel closes his eyes in dismay. Of course Maxy would just internalize his comment without ever considering telling Daniel he doesn’t like timeouts.
“Yes, I said that. But I was wrong.”
“Daddy was wrong??” Maxy pulls back to look at Daniel, looking shocked.
“Yeah, I was. We’re not going to do timeouts anymore, okay?”
“No timeouts?”
“None. I’m not going to punish you in any way, okay?”
“Never?”
“No, never.”
“But how will Maxy calm down?”
Daniel keeps his face calm, knowing that Maxy is looking at him. Of course Maxy still thinks that timeouts will help him calm down because Daniel said they would, despite the fact that Maxy’s cheeks are still tearstained from his sobs.
“I don’t think timeouts help you calm down. Do my hugs help?”
Maxy thinks, then nods.
“Alright, if you need help to calm down, you can ask me for a hug whenever you want and I’ll hug you until you feel better. Does that work?”
Maxy leans back into Daniel and nods. Daniel squeezes him gently.
“Alright, we’ll do that. Thank you, darling.”
“Thank you?” Maxy asks.
“I’ve never been a daddy before, so sometimes I make mistakes. But you can help me be better, okay?”
“Daddy’s the best daddy!” Maxy says indignantly.
Daniel smiles and kisses Maxy’s head. “I’m trying, darling. But even the best daddies make mistakes. I’m sorry about this one. No more timeouts, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Do you want to move to the couch? I think Kanga, Roo, and Mousie miss you.”
Maxy nods and Daniel helps him up.
“Do you want another glass of milk first? You must still be thirsty.”
“Maxy can?”
“Of course you can, sweetheart.” Daniel grabs a glass and pours milk into it. “Here you go.”
Maxy drinks it, then carefully places the glass on the table. “Maxy didn’t spill! Maxy is good!”
“Yeah, you are. But darling, you’re always good, even when you spill things. Spilling things doesn’t make you bad.”
Maxy scrunches up his face, thinking. “What if Maxy spilled on purpose? Then would Maxy be punished?”
“No. No punishments for anything. No timeouts and no other punishments.”
“None?”
“None.”
“But what if Maxy spilled on purpose? Then Maxy is bad, right?”
“No, darling. You’re always good. Are you going to spill on purpose?”
“No!” Maxy says. He looks defiant. “But Maxy could!”
“Still no punishments, and you’d still be good. We’d clean it up and then we’d talk about why you spilled. If you wanted, I’d hug you while we talked about it.”
“No timeouts?”
“No.”
“No punishments, just hugs?”
Daniel smiles. “Yes, darling, lots of hugs.”
“Maxy won’t spill on purpose, Daddy,” Maxy says earnestly.
“Okay. But even if you do, there won’t be any punishments ever.”
“Only hugs?”
“Yes. Only hugs. Do you want to sit on the couch so Daddy can hug you now?”
“Yeah!” Maxy grabs his hand and pulls him over to the couch. He picks up Kanga. “Maxy hugs Kanga and Roo and Mousie, and Daddy hugs Maxy!”
“That sounds perfect, sweetheart.” Daniel pulls Maxy into his arms and Maxy curls up in his hold, hugging Kanga.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“Maxy is calm now.”
“I’m glad. This is what we’ll do in the future, okay? No punishments or timeouts ever, just lots and lots of hugs whenever you want.”
“Okay. Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“Maxy loves you.”
“I love you too, Maxy.”
~~~
Max wakes up the next morning with Daniel lying behind him. Daniel’s arm is resting on his waist.
“Daniel?” he says softly.
“Good morning, Max.”
Max rolls onto his back so he can see Daniel and Daniel moves his hand up to Max’s chest.
“I’m sorry about the timeout thing,” Daniel says, before Max can even start to figure out how to bring it up. “When I was a kid, timeouts were a way for me to take a few breaths and calm down, but that’s not how they worked for you, is it?”
Max shudders and shakes his head. “No.”
“Can you tell me more, so I know what to avoid?” Daniel asks, his thumb rubbing soothingly across Max’s chest.
“It was less of the timeout thing and more of…” Max trails off. Daniel’s thumb keeps rubbing his chest and Max impulsively puts his hand on top of Daniel’s. He immediately pulls his hand away, but Daniel catches it.
“Does this help?” he asks, holding Max’s hand in his.
Max nods, then tenses, half expecting Daniel to pull his hand away and laugh, but Daniel just smiles. “I’m glad,” he says softly.
Daniel’s thumb starts stroking over the back of Max’s hand and Max can’t help relaxing.
“It’s being ignored,” he blurts out, then cringes. It was literally just a one minute timeout and he can’t even handle that. Daniel must think he’s a coward.
Daniel squeezes his hand gently. “Thank you for telling me, darling. I’m so proud of you.”
Max turns to stare at Daniel. “You are??”
“Yes. It’s scary telling me things that have been used to hurt you in the past, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” His voice is barely audible.
“I think you’re very brave and I’m very proud of you for telling me. Thank you.”
Warmth blooms in Max’s chest and he ducks his head to hide his smile, making sure to keep his hand in Daniel’s.
“So, we’re not going to do timeouts anymore, or any other kind of punishment.”
“You can!” Max says. “Kids need punishment!”
“Yeah, I don’t think they do. Also, no matter what other kids might need, little you definitely doesn’t need any punishments. So we’re not going to do them.”
Max doesn’t know what to say to that. “Not any?”
“No, not any. We are going to do lots of hugs, but only when you’re okay with them. Does that work for you?”
Max nods, but then thinks about what Daniel said. He can’t stop himself from tensing.
“Alright, something went wrong just now,” Daniel says, his voice calm. “Can you tell me what it was?”
Max shakes his head.
“Okay. Can I hug you?”
Max nods and Daniel pulls him into a hug and strokes his back. “Whatever you think you heard, I promise that’s not how I meant it.”
Max hesitates, but Daniel just keeps calmly stroking his back. Max takes a deep breath. “Will adult me be punished for Maxy?” He tries to keep his voice even, but he can’t. “I don’t want to be ignored either,” he whispers.
Daniel’s arms tighten around him. “Oh, darling. I meant no punishment at all, for either you or little Max. No timeouts, no physical punishments, nothing. I’m not going to ignore either of you ever.”
Max can’t help the hot rush of tears.
“Max?”
Instead of answering, he buries his face in Daniel’s neck. He can feel Daniel’s surprise, then Daniel’s hand gently strokes his back.
“You’re so good, darling, and so, so brave. I’m so proud of you.”
Daniel keeps stroking his back and telling him how good and brave he is until Max finally regains control of himself and pulls away from Daniel, embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know anything you should be sorry for.”
He looks at Daniel’s face, but Daniel seems completely serious, his usual grin completely absent. “Really?”
“Really. I’d like to hold you, if you’re okay with it.” Daniel rolls onto his back and pats his chest.
“Oh.” Max stares at Daniel again, but he still looks totally serious. Max inches closer to Daniel, but Daniel doesn’t suddenly pull away or laugh at him. He tentatively rests his head on Daniel’s chest. Daniel’s arms come up and Max cringes, but Daniel just gently strokes Max’s back again. Max isn’t sure what to say, but Daniel starts quietly singing the adult Max version of “Max is good” and Max can’t help relaxing into Daniel. He closes his eyes and rests his head over Daniel’s heart, listening to the steady beat.
~~~
Max wakes up and blinks. His head is still on Daniel’s chest and Daniel’s hand is resting on his back. Memory floods back and his cheeks heat with embarrassment.
He’s trying to figure out how to extract himself when Daniel starts drawing gentle patterns on his back.
“Hey, darling,” Daniel says quietly. “You’re still good and brave and I still don’t know anything you should be sorry for or embarrassed by.”
“How did you know I was awake?” Max asks.
Daniel strokes a soft hand down his back. "You were suddenly a lot less relaxed, so I figured you were probably awake.”
Max is a bit embarrassed that he was so easy to read. He thinks about moving, but Daniel’s warmth is so comforting that he really wants to stay where he is. And Daniel’s not making any moves to shoo him away. He seems pretty content for Max to stay there.
“Hey, a penny for your thoughts?” Daniel asks.
Max hesitates, but Daniel keeps stroking his back like he has nowhere better to be. “Should I get up?” Max blurts out.
“If you want to, sure. But if it’s because you think you should, I’m quite happy to stay here. This is a very nice way to spend the morning.”
“I like it too,” Max whispers.
“I’m glad.” Daniel keeps stroking his back.
He resettles himself on Daniel’s chest, trying to relax, but he’s still embarrassed about earlier. But Daniel had such a good answer to his question about getting up, so maybe he’ll make Max feel okay about earlier. Or maybe he’ll laugh at him. Max opens his mouth before he can talk himself out of it.
“I feel dumb for crying.”
“I’m proud of you for telling me that, Max. Thank you.”
Max feels the same rush of warmth as earlier at Daniel’s praise.
Daniel continues. “Can you think of it as an outlet for strong emotions? Did you feel any better after you cried?”
Max thinks. “Yeah. But it’s embarrassing.”
“I don’t think it is. It’s just you and me here, so we can decide it’s whatever we want, can’t we?”
Max considers that. “I guess.” He reaches out his hand for a second, then reconsiders and pulls it back.
“Hey.” He can hear the smile in Daniel’s voice. “You can hold my hand whenever you want, whether you’re big or little Max. It makes me really happy that it brings you comfort and I like holding your hand too.”
“Oh. Really?”
“Yeah. It’s really nice for me too.”
Daniel offers him his hand and Max takes it.
“Thank you, darling. So, do you think you can try to think of crying as a positive way to let out strong emotions?” Daniel asks.
“I can try.”
“Good. I’ll try to help you with that too.”
Max focuses on Daniel’s thumb, gently stroking the back of his hand. “I feel dumb for falling asleep after.” He cringes immediately after; he can’t just tell people what his weaknesses are. But…Daniel’s different. And he hasn’t laughed at Max once so far.
Daniel squeezes his hand. “You’re being so brave today with telling me things, darling. I’m so proud of you.”
That warm feeling in his chest is back. “Really?”
“Yeah. Like I said earlier, I know it’s scary telling me things like this, but you’re doing so well. I really don’t mind that you fell asleep. It makes me happy that you felt comfortable enough to sleep.”
“Oh. I don’t understand why I did though. It’s not like I was doing anything tiring.”
“What’s harder, telling me you don’t like being ignored or a full weekend of racing?”
Max cringes and Daniel runs a comforting hand down his back.
“Telling me you don’t like being ignored, right?” Daniel says gently.
Max nods.
“It makes sense. You don’t have much experience telling anyone that kind of thing, do you?”
Max shakes his head.
“Plus there’s a lot of emotion behind it and it could be used to hurt you.”
Max tenses involuntarily and Daniel strokes his back.
“That wasn’t a threat, darling. I’m not going to use it to hurt you. No timeouts, no punishments, and no ignoring ever for you or little Max.”
“Okay,” Max whispers, relaxing under Daniel’s comforting hand.
“As for sleeping, I think you took a nap because your brain needed a chance to process. Do you feel better about it now?”
Max considers. “Yeah. It’s more embarrassing than scary now.”
“I’m glad that it’s less scary. But really, I don’t think there’s anything to be embarrassed by. You did a hard thing, got some support in dealing with it, and then gave your brain a chance to deal with it.”
Max peeks at Daniel, but Daniel’s not laughing or joking. “Oh.”
“Plus, you napping on me is a pretty great way for me to spend some time. You’re very soothing.”
Max has never been called soothing before. “Oh. Really?”
“Yeah. So if it helps you and we both like it, what’s the problem?”
“There isn’t one?”
“Yeah, I don’t think there is, darling.”
Max thinks about that. Daniel’s hand continues to stroke his back. He seems content to let Max think for as long as he wants.
“Daniel?”
“Yes?”
Max hesitates and Daniel gently squeezes his hand. “You can say whatever you want. I promise I won’t laugh.”
“Why do you call me darling?”
Daniel tilts his head. “Do you want me to stop?”
“No!” Max doesn’t want that to happen.
Daniel smiles. “Then I’ll keep doing it. Just wanted to make sure.”
“I looked it up,” Max whispers.
“And, what did you find?”
“It means ‘one who is dear to me.’”
“Well, then, it’s perfect.” Daniel says.
Max’s brain stutters. “Oh. That’s—oh.”
“Is that a good oh?”
Max nods.
“I’m glad. I call you darling because you’re my darling Max, and you’re very dear to me.”
The warm feeling in Max’s chest has expanded to fill his entire body. He’s pretty sure if he opened his mouth, only a pleased squeak would come out. He squeezes Daniel’s hand, then does it again and again.
“Are those good squeezes, darling?”
Max nods and Daniel smiles and squeezes back.
“You’re my darling, darling Max and you’ve been so brave today. I’m so proud of you.”
To Max’s shame, tears fill his eyes. He pulls his hand out of Daniel’s and twists to hide his face in Daniel’s chest.
“Max?”
Max doesn’t answer.
Daniel’s hand runs soothingly down his back. “Hey, it’s okay. You were happy, right? At least, you were before you were embarrassed by crying?”
Max nods.
“Darling, that’s wonderful!”
“What?” Max blurts out, thoroughly confused.
“Remember how tears are a positive way to let out strong emotions? That counts for happy tears too. It’s wonderful that you were so happy that you needed to cry to let some of the extra happy out.”
Max turns so he can stare at Daniel. “Extra happy?”
Daniel grins at him. “Yes, extra happy. So full of happy that some of it had to come out as tears.”
"But boys don’t cry,” Max whispers. “Especially not over some words.”
“I think they do. And that that’s okay and anyone who says otherwise is a jerk.”
Max laughs, startled. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Tears are never embarrassing when you’re with me, darling. And happy tears are wonderful.”
Max resettles on Daniel’s chest and Daniel gently strokes his hair. “You’re so good, Max. So, so good and I’m so proud of you.”
Daniel keeps petting his hair and Max can feel sleep tugging at him again. He thinks he should get up and stop lying on Daniel and wasting Daniel’s time, but Daniel is so warm and sturdy underneath him. Still, Daniel must have better things to do. Max will just lie here for one more minute, then get up.
Daniel shifts and Max tenses, ready to get up now if that’s what Daniel wants. But Daniel’s arm comes down to gently rest on Max’s back, a warm and steadying weight.
“You’re safe, darling. If you feel like going to sleep again, you can. I’m so proud of you; you’re so strong and so brave.”
Daniel’s words settle over him like a warm blanket. He thinks about how nice Daniel’s hand felt in his and tentatively reaches his hand out. Before he can pull it back, Daniel puts his hand in Max’s and squeezes gently.
“So, so brave. My darling Max, who’s so dear to me.”
Max feels warm down to his toes. “Can you sing?” he asks quietly.
“Of course. Thank you for asking.” Daniel starts to sing the adult Max version of “Maxy is good” again. There are a lot more references to Max being brave and Daniel being proud of him than Max remembers.
~~~
Max wakes up, Daniel’s chest still warm underneath him.
“Daniel?”
Daniel doesn’t answer and Max turns his head to look at Daniel’s face. Is Daniel ignoring him, despite what he promised?
Daniel’s eyes are closed and he’s breathing evenly, fast asleep.
“Oh,” Max says softly. Daniel said he was soothing, but Max didn’t think he actually meant it. But Daniel is sleeping.
He gently lays his head back on Daniel’s chest. He’s still holding Daniel’s hand, so he carefully pulls it to his face, holding it against his cheek.
He closes his eyes. Daniel’s hand is soft against his cheek. Max matches his breathing to the steady in and out of Daniel’s chest and slides back into sleep.