Chapter Text
“I’m sorry, Kanade.”
Kanade blinked, the ambient hum of her computer stirring her awake with a gasp. Images of a dream…a dream she couldn’t remember. A dream that left her heart thumping, her hands shaking, her blood cold.
Breathe.
Rubbing her eyes, she glanced at the screen in front of her. An unfinished melody, black notes across the digital lines. The time in the corner, reading 11:31 AM. She must have dozed off in her chair. After all, she had been on the computer since… a bit before the usual meetup, around 1 AM.
…12 hours, maybe? That was probably why her lower back felt so sore. And why her left foot felt tingly, numb. There was also this…blurriness in her eyes, but that was usual after waking up.
What was she doing?
…
Right, she was composing a new song. A song for Mafuyu.
Back to composing.
She put her headphones back on and listened to what she had created so far. A soothing beat, a calming melody that would fit well with the art demo that Ena sent…
It was okay. Okay wasn’t good enough, though. Okay wouldn’t make Mafuyu happy.
Stop thinking about Mafuyu. She was fine.
Inhaling, she wheeled her chair inward and checked for any new messages from Nightcord. Nothing. Just the texts from last night.
<< Nightcord >>
4:42 AM
Amia: i’ll be going off soon…
K: ?
Amia: can’t concentrate...! Rain is too loud.
Amia sent a sticker.
Enanan: that same crying cat sticker, again? why do u always use that one??
Amia sent a sticker.
Enanan: …
Enanan: has miku, or like anyone, said anything about an update on Yuki?
Amia: no…still no computer, no synthesiser,,, still taking a break.
K: I hope she’s alright.
Enanan: yeah…
Enanan sent a sticker.
Enanan: anyway, it really has been raining heavily for the past couple of days, and I’m getting sleepy. night everyone.
Amia: Goodnight! don't sleep too late, K~!
K: Alright. I’ll sleep soon. Just an hour or two more.
She let out a small, self-deprecating smile.
Kanade checked her history, and the last edit was around… 9:30. About a two-hour nap. She was lucky her computer didn’t shut itself off, otherwise, her unsaved progress would have been lost. She quickly pressed the save button.
Time to start properly now. Niigo would meet in about 30 minutes, and she could put in some finishing touches.
Kanade began to absentmindedly compose, clicking and pressing keys, following wherever her heart went. She squinted sleepily but pushed through. She wanted this song to make Mafuyu feel better. She was going through a really bad time, after all, and Kanade wanted to help.
She had composed this song off of the first song that she had created for Mafuyu, to remind her of a nostalgic feeling. The feeling of being saved just a tiny bit, realising that a motif of the song was subconsciously put there already.
...
No.
Again and again. The right structure. The right chord. The right octave note from the keyboard. No, that wasn’t right. It didn’t go well. She tried again. Again. Again. Again—
…
This…this was hard today.
Her head throbbed, and she couldn’t focus. She bit her lip and stared at the screen. The notes began to sway, her vision speckled with particles.
…Maybe she needed a break.
Sighing, Kanade turned her computer to sleep mode, and stood up, before the floor seemed to shift underneath her, making the world spin, her head dizzy and black covering her entire vision. Blind, Kanade staggered forward and slipped on something, and in an attempt to steady herself, she flailed her arms about, immediately falling backwards into her chair from dizziness, empty sheets of lined music paper flying into the air.
…
Just a little more until her vision would clear again. Her blood pressure seemed to be getting lower by the day. She might need to start getting medication for that. Iron deficiency, too. Her blindness began to get longer, and she was beginning to mind it.
…
Wow.
Was this how her father felt?
This unhealthy lifestyle, sapping away at her life. A continued cycle of composing song after song, with a minimal amount of sleep, water and an instant cup of ramen mixed in here and there.
It was funny. It was funny in a bad way.
It was funny that her body had already warned her one too many times, by collapsing, but what else was there to do? She…she was saving Mafuyu. She was helping other people, so it didn’t matter about her, did it? Kanade had already been selfish in the past. It wasn’t bad. It was for the better. She wouldn’t fail Mafuyu like she failed her father. Her father, lying on the floor unresponsive, sheets of music everywhere—
Kanade’s vision was normal now.
…
She should eat breakfast, lunch— brunch.
Standing up slowly, she tiptoed around the cardboard boxes filled with ramen, the disorganised sheets of paper, and stepped into the living room, walking to what could be called the kitchen, opening the fridge. Glass containers of neatly arranged tupperware met her, and she grabbed whatever leftover food Mochizuki had made from yesterday, heating it up in the microwave.
Mafuyu…poor Mafuyu. Just the thought of Mafuyu being in pain made Kanade want to cry out for the girl. She was suffering under her mother’s grasp, trying so hard to be good…
Yet her mother just couldn’t understand that. Kanade had talked to her, giving her one chance to make Kanade believe that she had good intentions, that she was a good person, and that woman completely stomped on that thought. ‘For Mafuyu’s sake’, she said. ‘Truly not caring for Mafuyu’. She spoke false lie after lie, showing that she was just the worst. Not considering Mafuyu’s feelings, forcing her ideals onto her daughter — she was destroying Mafuyu.
No, she already destroyed Mafuyu long ago.
It was evident when Kanade had seen her in Sekai for the first time, those dead, empty eyes staring through her soul, harsh words coming out of her mouth, wishing that she wanted to disappear. All of this progress that they had made over the past year, the slow rebuild — just crumbled when that person took away Mafuyu’s computer.
So maybe…maybe one day, Kanade could whisk Mafuyu away from her mother, and never come back, showing Mafuyu what true happiness could be. Of course, she could do better. Mafuyu would stay in Sekai, far, far away from her mother’s manipulative grasp, seeing Kanade... Kanade only—
The microwaved beeped. With a kitchen towel, she grabbed the hot food, making sure her hands didn’t get burnt. They were important.
Walking with the tupperware, she hesitated while looking at her table.
Ah. The table that her family used to eat at. When was the last time she sat down and actually ate something proper there?
…
Maybe it was okay to get distracted from composing a bit longer.
Placing the food down, she went over to the drawers grabbing a pair of wooden chopsticks, and sat, opening the lid. A sweet aroma met her nose. Mhm, that’s right. Mochizuki made stir-fried noodles with vegetables yesterday.
The food was warm. Nostalgic, even.
Just like her mother's cooking. Just how it was before...before...
No, nothing was wrong. Kanade knew Mochizuki’s food tasted fantastic, flavours and spices dancing around her taste buds. It just…didn’t taste particularly strong.
…
What would Mafuyu be doing right now?
She would be at school right now, maybe having lunch. She would be eating with classmates, eating food that her mother cooked for her, and not being able to taste anything, too. Maybe Mafuyu would be in class, focusing on the topic at hand, answering questions with ease.
And what was Kanade going to do today?
…
The food just felt like cardboard in her mouth now.
Sighing, Kanade closed the container with half-eaten food in it, and placed it back into the fridge, proceeding to quickly wash off her chopsticks.
She walked back into her room and turned on her computers. 11:58 AM. Just in time. Checking the group chat, it seemed Mizuki and Ena had already joined, now on a call.
Push aside the fact that Mafuyu wasn’t there. Mafuyu was fine! She just wanted to take a break. She could feel her heartbeat beginning to pound in worry. No. Just…smile.
<< Nightcord >>
11:59 AM
K joined the call.
She cleared her throat. “Good morning Enanan, Amia.”
Kanade heard a small chuckle coming from Mizuki’s side. “Good afternoon, you mean? It's basically noon now, you know~”
“Ah, sorry. I just woke up recently.”
“Eh? What time did you sleep last night?” Ena spoke, her voice playful but concerned. “Did you sleep in? That’s rare.”
“No, I slept at around… 9:30-ish.”
“K…” A sigh could be heard from Ena. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this, considering my sleep is messed up too, but you’ve got to look after your health.”
How could she do that? She had to compose, to save, is what Kanade wanted to say. But it would make them worry, and they didn’t need to be concerned.
So Kanade ignored that selfish wish.
“Sorry.” Kanade stared at Mafuyu’s profile, her icon offline. “I got carried away. I somewhat finished the song, though. Here, I’ll send it.”
“Ooh~! K’s almost finished copy…” Mizuki cooed, Kanade imagining a smirk from their side of the computer. She quickly deleted what editing she did from beforehand, and sent the version to the group chat. Mizuki and Ena muted to listen, and Kanade continued to look at Mafuyu’s profile. Still offline. She bit her lip. It was fine.
After a period of silence, Ena was the first to unmute. There was some shuffling, almost as if she was thinking.
“This…this is really nice, K.” Ena’s voice wavered, hesitant. “I can feel your feelings through this. This kind of reminds me of the songs you used to create before Amia and I joined.” A tapping could be heard from her end. Maybe it was her stylus on her screen. Ena had habits like that. “I might change some of the colours here and there…”
Mizuki unmuted too, shortly after. “Same here, same here~ The melody fits really well with Yuki’s lyrics.”
Kanade smiled. They fit with Mafuyu. Her music fit with Mafuyu. “Thanks. Yuki’s lyrics…they…” She trailed off, staring distantly, her face distorting into a frown. Everyone knew what the elephant in the room was.
No one responded.
She ruined the mood, and the silence felt suffocating, pressing into her ribs. Her sight was getting clouded, again.
“...”
“It’s been more than 20 minutes since noon…” Mizuki began. Kanade sharply inhaled and forcefully leaned backward in her chair. Time went by that quickly, already? “But I wonder if Yuki, as expected, isn’t going to come today either…”
…What did Mizuki mean, putting emphasis on the word ‘expected’? Kanade wanted to say something, but couldn't bring herself to open her mouth. She wanted to ask why Mizuki didn’t believe in Mafuyu. She wanted to know what Mizuki thought. She wanted—
A notification. Kanade swore her heart just skipped a beat, eyes wide.
Ena lightly gasped. “...Huh? W-Wait, the person who just then logged in is…”
Kanade didn’t need Ena to finish her sentence. Mafuyu’s icon lit up green, joining the call, and a singular sentence appeared on her screen, illuminating her face, illuminating those dark thoughts in her mind.
<< Nightcord >>
12:23 PM
Yuki: Everyone, are you still there?
Mafuyu? Mafuyu?
Kanade laughed silently, shifting her chair straight. Mafuyu, Mafuyu was back. Why would Kanade worry in the first place? Kanade opened her mouth but was interrupted by Ena and Mizuki, who came first.
“Yuki!? You came…!” Mizuki beamed.
Ena was next to worry. “Are you okay? You said that you wouldn't be coming for a while… but…”
Mafuyu paused for a moment, before beginning to type. The chat showed her deleting and then typing. Everyone was silent, waiting.
Yuki: I was thinking of taking a little breather…I can’t stay too long, though.
She wasn’t going to be here long.
Mafuyu was going… to leave again.
Kanade shook her head, shaking away the static in her eyes once more. Positivity, positive thoughts.
“I see, that’s a relief…” Kanade finally said, breaking the call from any previous tension.
“Well, in that case, let’s get pumped up and work!” Mizuki clapped her hands together. “It also looks like the song is going to be completed soon.” She clapped them together, again. “And! I had something I wanted to consult Yuki about the directions of the lyrics!” If Kanade could see Mizuki’s expression right now, it would probably be one of jittering excitement.
Ena chirped in. “Ah, me too.” Furious tapping could be heard. “I drew a rough sketch to match the lyrics we received the other day, but can you take a look and see if it's okay?”
A quick message appeared almost immediately.
Yuki: Got it.
Kanade truly smiled this time, her eyes slanting slightly. Nightcord was a little chipped and broken around the edges, but it was still intact.
Still here.
So, she pushed her thoughts deep, deep down to the trenches of her heart and ignored the worries.
Nothing was wrong.
***
“Hey, hey, Enanan!” Kanade jumped at the sound of Mizuki’s playful tone. She forgot she had been on a call the entire time since no one particularly spoke. “I have a sma~ll favour to ask, but~”
Ena’s disapproved voice replied, sighing. “...Do you want some more variances again?”
“Right!” Mizuki sounded completely oblivious to how unphased Ena’s voice sounded. “I think if we add a cut of the hand reaching out where the chorus is, it would get e~ven better~”
“A hand reaching out…with the current composition, I’ll end up having to add quite a bit,” Ena complained. It did sound like quite the amount.
Mizuki pleaded. “But, b~ut, I think if we have this cut, Yuki’s lyrics will dig in really deeply!”
Kanade took their words into consideration. Hands…it would make a good impact.
“Mm—,” Ena pondered. “Well, I get that…”
Maybe she should help Mizuki. “I also think that’s a good idea.” She added in, keeping her voice steady.
“Eh, K thinks that way, too? In that case, I guess I’ll try drawing it.” Persuaded. She knew Ena would listen to her advice.
“Geesh~,” She pouted. “Your response is completely different from when I said it…” Maybe Mizuki was a little annoyed by that. It was alright though, small banter couldn’t hurt anyone.
After a few more moments of back-and-forth bickering that Kanade didn’t pay mind towards, Mafuyu’s message appeared once more.
Yuki: I’ve revised the lyrics.
“Ah, thanks, Yuki.” She replied almost instantaneously, like an instinct. She opened the file. These lyrics, good as usual. There was just one line that felt different.
‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t live up to your standards in the least.’
Kanade shook her head, wiping the twitch in her mouth as if that would make it go away, like a blemish being wiped by water. They were just lyrics. Mafuyu’s normal lyrics. Not a cry for help, help from her mother, that person—
“...I see. If it's expressed this way, it might be better to change the way we see the picture a little.” Mizuki murmured, snapping Kanade out of her thoughts. “Once I get the materials for the hand, I’ll try making a new cut that matches the lyric’s image!”
“The materials for the hand or rather…sigh, in the end, you’re completely adding it in anyway, aren't you?” Ena evenly spoke, as if she had given up completely.
Once again, Mizuki was oblivious. “But even so, that would really help~!” She giggled. “I’m counting on you, Enanan ♪”
Ena only groaned in response, making Kanade smile a bit, feeling almost a little ashamed.
“If the lyrics are done, and we do our best today, it kind of feels like the adjustments will also be finalised…” Mizuki paused, thinking. “Won’t we finish completely by tomorrow?”
Kanade looked up. “That’s true. If I record the song today and edit it tomorrow, I guess…we might be able to upload it at night.”
“Then, I guess tomorrow is for finishing touches,” Ena said. “I’ll be done with just a little bit more work, so maybe I’ll be good at...noon?”
Kanade nodded slowly to no one in particular until she saw the typing bubbles of Mafuyu’s text.
Yuki: I don’t know if I can make it tomorrow.
Oh.
Kanade stared at the message, tense. The atmosphere got heavy once more. Dammit. It was just that…annoying thing in her sight again from her nap earlier. And that ringing, that subtle ringing in her ears.
“Ah…I see.” Mizuki passively sighed. “You need to study, after all.”
Radio silence from Mafuyu.
“...But, we’ve gone through the trouble of this. Don’t you kind of want everyone to be together once it's all completed?”
Silence.
“Well, that’s true,” Ena continued Mizuki’s sentence. “When we're going to upload, I'll call you, okay? Won’t you at least show up, then? We've come far creating this with everyone, you know…”
Nothing from Mafuyu.
Kanade blinked harshly, waiting in anticipation for her response. She fiddled and twirled her hair in loops, anxious.
A message.
Yuki: In that case, I’ll try thinking about it.
Another.
Yuki: If I can’t make it, I’ll let you know.
Thank god.
It wasn’t even certain, but Kanade felt her relief disappear with those eight words. Her vision wasn’t blurry anymore, and she deeply exhaled.
Mizuki gasped, her excitement clearly audible. “...! Thanks, Yuki!”
“We’ll be waiting, okay?” Ena warmly added.
That’s right…Mafuyu was alright. Kanade didn’t need to worry about her all the time. This vision static…it would go away when Mafuyu would finish that test. It would go away when Mafuyu came back.
Yuki: Lunch is over. I’ll go now.
“Oh, uh-” She stopped herself. “Alright. See you, Yuki.” Kanade smiled gently, watching the icon quickly turn from green to grey.
Everyone was silent again until Mizuki spoke.
“Hey…Sorry, K.” They apologised, ever so sudden.
Kanade tilted her head. “Eh? What’s…wrong?”
“You know…” She conveyed as if it were common sense. “I went ahead and said ‘Let’s complete it when everyone is together’, right? I was thinking that you might have wanted to upload it as soon as everyone was done…” Ah, a needless worry. Kanade quickly told them that it was fine since she wanted it to be uploaded when the four of them were together. It was true. She wanted Mafuyu to be there.
“Well, even though Yuki said that she would be busy with studying, she would probably make time little by little, and finish the lyrics for us, right?” Ena lightly said.
Kanade made a small noise in response, agreeing. “Yeah…It’s not just ours, it's a music video filled with Yuki’s feelings too…” Feelings of despair. Worry. Panic. Stop. Ignore the lyrics. Don’t read too much into them. ”I think I want to upload when all of us are here.”
“I see…” Mizuki sounded relieved. “I’m glad. It means that all that is left is for us to complete the MV, huh ♪”
Ena sounded disaffected. “...You say that easily, but have you forgotten about…” She began to list everything. “The additional materials, the art, maybe…actually needing to put it into the video?”
Mizuki laughed, a heartily giggle that Kanade liked. “There’s no way I forgot about it. Wasn’t I the one who proposed it?” They then offered, slyly. “By the way~, I think if you give me the materials by morning, I’ll make it in time for noon!”
Pressure. “...Enanan, do you think you can do it?” Kanade questioned, closing her eyes.
“Mm…Well, I think if you’re fine with the rough sketch I drew earlier, then probably, yeah.”
Mizuki laughed, almost as if she was doubtful, nervous. “Probably, huh…? Enanan, what's the percentage for that success rate?”
Ena hummed loudly, the sound vibrating in Kanade’s ears. “...About 70%, I guess? It depends if I’ll be satisfied with how I draw it.”
“If that’s the percentage, then you can pull it off ♪”
“Aren’t you taking this sorta lightly?”
And there it was. The start of another bicker.
“That’s not the case, not at all, not at all, ♪” They said cheekily. “It's because we believe in you, right, K?”
“Eh? Uh— yeah. The rough was great. If it's you, you can pull it off.”
She could almost feel Ena’s blush from across the computer. “Ah, really? Well, I guess I’ll put more motivation in to try my best to finish tomorrow.”
“Nice! That’s the spirit, that’s the spirit!” Mizuki cheered. “But, we don’t need something like a sinister tsundere selfie girl for that~” Of course, she couldn’t help but add the teasing remark.
And that was part three of their bickering. Kanade tuned this one out, muting, before coughing, rubbing her eyes. That thing, that thing again—
She then suddenly hunched over, wrapping her arms around her knees, her heart rapidly beating in panic. Her heart hurt, as if it was being tightened in a vice. Why…why was this happening again…
That…that was really close, though. Mafuyu’s text caught her completely off guard, and she was barely able to act normal.
She missed Mafuyu—
“It’s fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine…” Kanade repeatedly mumbled, attempting to reassure herself, rocking back and forth. She didn’t know why she was reacting this badly to Mafuyu…being gone. This didn’t happen until the confiscation of Mafuyu’s computer, so why now? Was she overreacting this badly? Stop overreacting!
...
Mafuyu just sounded…sounded so distressed, so—
Kanade froze, leaning over her chair seat, unable to control her thoughts as they whipped from place to place. Then they travelled there.
There.
That woman…that woman took her computer. Who knew…what she was going to do next? That woman told Kanade directly to stop being a friend, what else would she do? Would she deprive Mafuyu of everything? Make Mafuyu her puppet? Mafuyu…Mafuyu would be—
Kanade fell off her chair, not even resisting as she tumbled to the ground, paper surrounding her.
…
Snap out of it. Stop…stop over worrying about Mafuyu. Just a bit longer…a bit longer until it would leave. A bit longer until everything would be back to the way it was before. A bit longer until Mafuyu would relay the good news…and everything…everything would be fine.
Just a bit longer.
…
It was fine.
…
Be patient.