Chapter Text
It’s Valentine’s Day 1995, 8:11PM. Annie watches Mikasa in the library. She’s sullen, muted, and not in the way that she’s usually muted. She’s sad. And Annie knows why; because she’s alone on Valentine’s Day just like last year. Annie sits at a table and averts her eyes, lest not to be caught staring, and pretends to be looking at her book on silent film in front of her. She side-eyes Mikasa. Her heart wrenches. She hates that Mikasa is sweetheart-less today. While Annie thinks the holiday is preposterous, a ruse to sell cards and flowers and make those without a partner feel unnecessarily bad, she hates seeing Mikasa so sad.
Especially since Annie thinks the world of Mikasa. She loves her heart-shaped face, her pixie cut, her expertly-done eyeliner, her pouty kissable lips, her fleeting smiles, and her passion for the dark and macabre. She loves her towering height over hers, her soft voice, and the way she always brings a pear for lunch. Annie could fill an encyclopedia with the things she loves about Mikasa. She wants her blonde hair tangled with her inky locks.
No one knows this, least of all Mikasa, who the rest of the world likely thinks she still hates. Because she had at one point, in high school, when Annie briefly dated Armin in ninth grade. Mikasa deemed Annie bad news for Armin, causing Annie to retort, “I don’t think you’re his mother.” Steam came from Mikasa’s ears as Annie grabbed Armin’s hand and dragged him along with her.
That dalliance had run its course. It certainly seemed to cause a lot of drama among her peers. Drama of which Annie is not a fan of and doesn’t need. For Mikasa though, she almost wants to risk it. But there’s no telling if Mikasa even likes girls, let alone Annie. Annie knows she likes girls however. She had had a brief hook up with Hitch during her senior year of high school, and no one since then now as a sophomore in college. She isn’t much for dating.
Mikasa might want Eren as her Valentine. Who’s always been as clueless as clueless can get. Annie’s jealousy crops up without her approval. She’s glad Eren seems to be uninterested.
“Annie!” a shrill voice echoes throughout the library. Louder than any voice should be at a library. Mina Carolina comes up to her. She majors in journalism. “Marlowe is taking me out for dinner!” Still too loud.
Annie narrows her eyes. “Um... Mina?”
She’s still grinning. “Yeah?”
“Hitch will kill Marlowe. Then you.”
“They broke up.”
There’s that romance drama she can’t stand.
“Again?”
“Yeah!”
“Shhh, Mina. Please. They’ll kick us both out.”
Mina puts her hand over her mouth and sits down beside her. “Oops.”
Annie rolls her eyes. “Enjoy it while you can then.”
“Yeah whatever.” She looks past Annie at Mikasa now on the computer. “Wow, Mikasa seems bummed.”
“Not even a card from Jean?”
“Nope. At this rate you’ll get one before her.” She puts her hand on Annie’s shoulder. “No offense.”
Annie says nothing. Not much Mina says deserves to be dignified with a response.
“Hey,” another voice greets, more dull than Mina’s shrill one. It’s Pieck. Her shoulders are wrapped up in Porco’s leather-clad arm.
“Omigod!” Mina gasps. Too loud again. “Pieck, your hair!”
Pieck had let a crimper touch her unruly locks, the indents shaping it in irregular patterns.
“Isn’t it cute?” Pieck gushes. “But Pock says it looks like crinkle-cut French fries.”
“Makes me hungry,” Porco says.
Annie likes Porco and Pieck as a couple. They’d been together almost a year and only broken up one time. Pieck is majoring in biochemistry and Porco in business.
Pieck sucks in a breath when she sees Mikasa at the computer. “She’s upset.”
“Yeah, no shit,” Porco says. “Not even Jean asked her out or gave her anything.”
“Excuse me,” Pieck says, removing Porco’s arm. “I need to get over there.” She walks, her long paisley skirt sashaying at her ankles.
“Are they friends?” Mina asks, face contemplative. But Pieck has the ability to befriend anyone.
“Gotta cleanse her aura,” Porco says as if it’s just another regular thing.
Annie watches Pieck talk to Mikasa and wave her hands over her. Mikasa sits alert. Annie holds in a smile. They certainly are a pair. No doubt Mikasa with her spells is enjoying having the new age girl cleanse her negative energy. Annie finds it all so silly. She believes in none of it. But likes that Pieck, and especially Mikasa, does.
Porco sits at the table in the meanwhile. Pieck returns and shakes her head. “She’s too deep in her depression. I couldn’t get a hold of it.”
“That’s too bad,” Porco says as Pieck sits beside him.
Annie looks at the computers of which there are three. Mikasa is at the middle one, leaving two open ones on either side of her.
Annie stands. “I think I’m gonna get online.”
“I cannot figure out that 'yee-haw' whatever,” Mina says.
“'Yahoo,” Porco corrects. "And it’s not that hard, Mina.”
“Yeah-huh it is. Have you seen the tubes that go into making it all work?”
Annie makes her way over to the computer to the right of Mikasa and sits.
The two share a polite smile. Annie feels herself grow shy. She turns her attention to the computer. The big boxy beige thing. Annie was skeptical of the online sphere at first, but now finds it useful for research and connecting with other fans of grunge and punk on Usenet. Not what the university library computer is for, but everyone uses it for personal endeavors anyway.
She connects via the dial-up modem and listens to its mechanical creak. She navigates Internet Explorer and hears the additional creak of the processor as it works. Once at the WebCrawler search engine, she types in her film and waits for it to load. She glances at Mikasa typing away something. She gets the sudden feeling she’s not doing research. Annie wonders what else Mikasa gets up to online.
“Wish I had a computer of my own,” Mikasa says, stopping typing but not looking at Annie.
“So do I,” Annie says. “My dad sort of wants one but they’re so expensive. Especially if you add on internet.”
“That’s too bad.” She stands up. “Excuse me, I need the payphone.” She walks away toward the payphone.
Annie can’t help it, she leans over and sees what Mikasa is doing. She’s writing an email. Annie catches her address:
Exactly the type of address Annie would expect Mikasa to have.
Annie gets an idea.
What if she writes a love note in an email to Mikasa? Her heart speeds up at the mere thought. Annie has told no one her email, and it’s not indicative of who she is—[email protected]. Donut is her cat, but she thought putting bird would be funny. But to get to express how she feels? Finally? She stares at the screen, looks around her, no one is paying her any mind.
Annie saw Mikasa’s email on a contact sheet for tutoring once, so her email is basically public. She won’t suspect it’s her.
Annie hurries to her own email and impatiently waits for it to load. She clicks new mail and types in Mikasa’s email as the recipient.
Annie writes:
“Mikasa. You make my heart flutter. My spirit sing. Your beauty captivates me. You may not know who I am, but I know you. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
It’s a bit sugary. Cliché. Lame. But that means no one will ever suspect it’s from Annie Leonhardt.
Annie hits send.
She bites a smile into her lip.
When Mikasa returns Annie is so overwhelmed she decides to leave. Afraid to be there if Mikasa sees the email. So Annie makes her way over to a row of books and pretends to look at them when really she’s eyeing Mikasa. And then she sees it—Mikasa is holding her hand over her mouth, hiding a smile as her eyes are locked on the screen. It looks like an open email. Annie clutches the bookshelf and fights a smile herself. Mikasa is happy. That’s all Annie ever wanted.
Armin appears and finds Mikasa. They talk a bit then Mikasa gets up and prances beside him. That beautiful smile on Mikasa’s face was put there by her, by Annie. She wants to see that smile again and again. She wants to send her more letters. Which hadn’t been the plan, but she wants to keep this going. She’s no where near running out of things to tell Mikasa.
***
Annie lives off-campus with her father. It saves money and she can have her own space. Annie watches TV, a rerun of the Simpsons. She wonders if Mikasa likes the show, if she would watch it with her. Just having Mikasa by her side at the library was amazing. She wants just to be in her presence.
The phone rings in the kitchen. Her father picks it up.
“Annie? It’s for you.”
Annie gets up and heads to the kitchen. She expects Mina so when she hears Mikasa’s soft voice she alerts.
“Hi, Annie,” Mikasa says.
“Oh. Hi, Mikasa,”
Does she know!?
“Armin gave me your number, I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.”
“I’m thinking of taking a class in film studies next semester as part of my elective.”
Mikasa is majoring in political science.
“That’s cool,” Annie says.
“Would you help me?”
“Sure. Now or next semester?”
“Well, I’d like to get ahead of the curb.”
Annie leans against the kitchen counter, the curly phone cord dangling beside her. “Good idea.”
“There’s a party on Friday at Colt’s house. We can talk then.”
“At a party?”
“It’s going to be a quaint party, more like a get together of friends. Eren, Armin, Porco, and Pieck will all be there. I think Mina has to work.”
“Uh, sure. Yeah, I’ll come.”
Ugh. Annie hates parties. But if it’s a chance to see Mikasa...
***
Annie hadn’t spoken to Mikasa in the three days since the phone call, only exchanging polite smiles at university. Mikasa’s whole demeanor was changed. She was light on her feet and more talkative with friends. She exuded confidence. All because of Annie’s email. Of Which on Thursday she sent another one:
"Mikasa, my heart is full and my gaze is long. You fill me with a joy words can’t touch. If only I could hold your hand in mine."
Annie arrives at the party at Colt’s house. He majors in English. His house is large, as he comes from a wealthy family. Who is all not home at the moment and apparently away overnight. Annie wonders if his parents know he’s throwing a ‘quaint’ party. Annie doubts it will stay that way.
She dresses in a red graphic tank top with an unbuttoned men’s black and white plaid shirt matched with grey jeans. The tank top shows a bit of her waist because it was short. On the off chance Mikasa is into girls, she hopes she would look. Annie’s hair is up today.
Colt is in the kitchen arranging deviled eggs on a glass tray. It looks like it was designed for eggs as it has oval indents where he places them.
Annie stops by. “Those look good,” she says.
Colt looks at her. “Oh, hi Annie.” He grins and eyes his arrangement. “Thanks. In a minute you can have one, just gotta...” He sprinkles paprika on them from a can, peppering them with a ruddy red.
The big rumor is that Colt is gay. And Annie wishes to talk to him about it. To relate her own what she thinks is bisexuality with him. But she can’t imagine gathering the courage to do such a thing.
Annie goes to the living room where music wafts from the stereo. Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden plays, loosening Annie at once to hear music she loves.
Mikasa sits on the end of the sofa with Armin, chatting with a drink in hand. Eren is sitting silently beside Armin. Porco and Pieck aren’t there yet. Annie first inspects the stereo—a three CD-changer. Annie would kill for a system like this. Her radio and CD walkman feel so subpar compared to what Colt has.
“You like that?” Colt says as he appears. He hits a few buttons and the CD changes, moving to to Nine Inch Nails’ song Closer. Another one Annie loves. “Have a drink, Annie.” Colt gestures to the kitchen. “There’s rum if you want.”
Of course there is.
“I’ll just have juice if you have it.”
“Sure. I’ll be right back.” He disappears into the kitchen.
The song that plays is explicit. She eyes Mikasa, they lock eyes as the lyric ‘I wanna fuck you like an animal’ sounds.
Annie’s eyes dart back to the stereo.
Colt reappears with a glass in hand. “Mixed berry lemonade. That okay?”
Annie accepts the glass. “Perfect. Thanks.”
She makes her way over to Mikasa. “Hey.”
“Hey, Annie,” Mikasa says.
“Ready to talk film?”
“Sure.” She gestures her head for Eren and Armin to move. They do.
Annie sits down between Mikasa and Armin, her legs nearly touch Mikasa’s. Mikasa wears a short black velvet dress that shows off her strong thighs. Her wrists sport black arm warmers and her shoes are wedge heels. Green alien earrings dangle from her ears that possess multiple piercings. The dress reveals a bit of cleavage that Annie struggles not to stare at.
“So in my current class we’re studying Giallos,” Annie says. “Have you heard of those?”
Mikasa smiles that tiny smile. “I love Giallos.”
“A horror fan?”
“Yep.”
That doesn’t surprise Annie.
“I do like Giallos. They’re beautifully made, but I’m more into monster horror movies.”
“What’s your favorite?”
“An American Werewolf in London.”
“That’s a good one.”
Eren raises his hand. He has his hair pulled back in a bun, as he does a lot these days. He’s grown so sullen since his boisterous years in high school. He doesn't attend college while Armin majors in computer science. “My favorite is Silver Bullet.”
Armin shrugs. “I’m kinda uh... not a fan or horror.” Annie knows this already from their movie date in high school.
“But we’ve forced it upon him,” Mikasa says.
“Yeah, I remember,” she says, sharing a knowing smile with Armin. He wonders what he’d think of her feelings for Mikasa.
Colt sets out a large tray of deviled eggs on the coffee table. “Everyone go easy on these, make sure everyone gets some.”
“I’m allergic to eggs,” Armin says.
“Oh, well then everyone can have one more to make up for what Armin won’t eat.”
Eren gets up for the deviled eggs while the others stay seated.
Mikasa’s face turns serious and says to Annie, “I never got a chance to say I’m so sorry about Kurt Cobain. I know you’re a big fan so that must’ve been really hard for you.”
Annie warms. “It was. Thank you.” She had barely eaten for two weeks following his death.
“So, I know it’s not a Giallo, but have you seen Suspiria?”
“Yes, I love Suspiria.”
“Even though it has no monsters?”
“Oh, I like horror without monsters,” Annie says “I just like a supernatural element.”
“Gotcha.”
Colt reappears with a tray of drinks and sets them beside the eggs. “So uh, these have rum if anyone wants any. Rum and coke. Don’t tell.”
And there it is. When the quaint party turns into something more. A shame, because Annie prefers it like this. Colt picks up a drink from the tray and sips it. Eren and Armin head for the drinks while Mikasa and Annie stay seated.
Mikasa scratches behind her ear. “Not drinking?”
“Not really a fan of alcohol.”
“It’s alright on occasion. I got really drunk with Eren and Armin one time.”
Annie may dislike alcohol, but is curious what Mikasa is like drunk.
“How was it?”
“We all fell asleep on each other. I woke up with a pounding headache.”
“I’ve never been flat out drunk so that’s never happened to me.”
“You have better judgment than I.”
Annie feels a connection to Mikasa. They had never spoken like this before. Annie feels a tingle in the air between them. Or it’s her wishful thinking. She assumes it’s her imagination, but she enjoys it nonetheless.
“I’ll skip the drinks since you are.”
Annie shakes her head. “Oh no, have one if you want. Don’t not drink because of me.”
“No, no, I like this. Just us here together sober.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Colt’s already downed one drink and picks up a second one. Annie narrows her eyes.
Mikasa leans in. Annie’s skin warms.
“Colt’s a terrible drunk. You’ve gotta see it.” Her breath is warm against Annie’s ear. She wants to feel her warm breath across her body.
Annie turns and whispers, “Really?”
“Last time, he got up on a table and told everyone he was gay.”
Annie laughs. “Oh, so it’s not a secret anymore.”
“Not at all.”
Annie bites her lip. Mikasa seems to have no problem with Colt being gay. She considers telling her she’s bisexual, but decides against it. It’s still hard to say out loud.
Pieck and Porco arrive. Pieck lights up the room, greeting everyone as Porco heads immediately toward the drinks.
“Eggs and booze,” Porco says. “You know how to throw a party, man,” he says to Colt who just smiles and shrugs.
“Mikasa, Annie,” Pieck beams. “You guys look so good together.”
Annie likes hearing that.
“And Mikasa,” Pieck starts, “your aura is so much brighter than the last time we talked.”
Mikasa gives a nod. “I actually got a letter.”
Annie stiffens.
Pieck raises her thick eyebrows. “A letter?”
“Yes. An email, actually. An anonymous love letter. Two, in fact.”
Annie gnashes her teeth.
“Oh my god!” She places her hand over her chest. “That’s so romantic. Any idea who sent them?”
“No clue. My email is listed for tutoring so it could be anyone.”
“Well, I hope you find out who it is and get hot and heavy with ‘em.”
Annie holds in a whine. She starts to sweat.
“Who do you think it is, Annie?” Pieck asks.
Annie gulps. “Don’t know.”
“Well, I gotta go make sure Pock doesn’t drink too much. Looks like it’s already too late for Colt.”
The party goes on. Colt sets out a tray of fruit, crackers, and cheese which are demolished along with the deviled eggs and drinks. The eggs are delicious. Mikasa and Annie stick close together sober and chat while everyone else grows louder and drunker. Most of all Colt, who makes his way over to where Mikasa and Annie are sitting and plops down beside Mikasa.
“I haven’t seen you drinking,” he says.
“Not for us,” Mikasa says.
“Why would you choose to be sober?”
“We’re boring.”
Colt leans forward. “Hey, did you know I’m gay?”
Mikasa breaks into a giggle and Annie bites one into her cheek.
“Yes,” Mikasa says.
“Obviously,” Annie replies.
Colt leans closer to Mikasa. Annie smells the rum seeping off of him. “Like, if you two got naked I wouldn’t care at all.”
Their laughter increases.
“Even if you started kissing each other.”
Annie fights a blush.
“Actually, I would care about that. And support you guys for being gay.”
“Nice to know,” Mikasa says through a titter.
“You ever seen the rainbow flag?” Colt gushes. “It’s for being gay. I love it, it’s so cool.”
“I agree,” Mikasa says. “It’s happy and you know, gay.”
Colt laughs, drunkenly. ”You’re so funny, Mikasa. You’d be funnier drunk, but oh well.” He stands up with a stagger and finds Porco and Pieck.
Armin finds a VHS tape and puts it in the VCR. It’s Back to the Future. Armin sits, swaying a bit, glued to the screen. The TV reflects off his thick spectacles. He’s the only one watching it besides Mikasa and Annie who needed something to do. He keeps making excited remarks to them about the movie.
Annie never has fun at parties, but this party has been a blast because of Mikasa. Talking to each other as the only sober ones while everyone else acts a fool. Annie wonders if she and Mikasa are the first people in history to have fun being the only sober ones at a party.
Annie heads to the bathroom upstairs as the downstairs one is occupied. She opens to the door and doubles back.
Before her is Colt and Porco sharing a kiss as Pieck leans up on her toes to kiss Porco’s neck.
The three startle.
“Shut the door!” Colt and Porco exclaim in unison while Pieck shouts, “Get out!”
Annie shuts the door with a slam and stands in shock for a minute.
She has to tell Mikasa.
And wait, does this mean Porco is bisexual? Is Annie surrounded by LGBT people? Does she have more than one person to confide in now?
Annie hurries down the stairs in search of Mikasa. She finds her watching the movie and drinking a bottled iced tea.
Annie sits down beside her and leans in. “I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“Not here.” She stands up. “Come on.”
Mikasa follows Annie out the patio door and to the Grice backyard. Cold winter air greets them. There’s a beautiful garden with a vine and flower-covered archway.
Annie can’t contain a smile as she looks up at Mikasa. “I went to the upstairs bathroom because the downstairs one was occupied, right?”
Mikasa nods excitedly. “Yeah?”
“And when I opened it, Porco and Colt were making out and Pieck was behind Porco kissing his neck.”
Mikasa gasps. “Oh my god!” She playfully slaps Annie’s shoulder. “Are you serious?”
“As serious as a funeral.”
“That means Porco is bi, doesn’t it?”
“I guess so.”
“We can’t tell anyone,” Mikasa says.
“Oh no, of course not. Our secret.”
Mikasa makes a zipping motion across her lips.
The party winds down at 1AM after a few more sci-fi flicks courtesy of Armin. Mikasa and Annie have to be the people shuttling drunk party-goers away. Annie takes Porco, Pieck, and Colt back to campus. All of them are sleepy and say nothing about the incident, to Annie’s relief. Mikasa takes Eren and Armin back. But not before Annie makes a plan with her to see each other and watch both a Giallo and a monster movie the next night at Annie’s house.
Annie looks forward with baited breath.