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It kinda started with April off handedly saying that her class is doing a project work on neurology (brain science as Raph preferred to call it) and she decided to research on autism.
Then Mikey decided to ask what's autism. So naturally April start to list things off what she had researched, including how autistic people would act. And Donnie would every now and then chime in with her because of course Donnie has researched what autism was.
And then Casey just had to point it out.
"You know that sounds a lot like Raph." He said.
And at first Raph didn't think much about it, so far whatever April had said was just that autistic people just were a little different from other people, they just had more trouble communicating with people and had repetitive behaviors.
That didn't sound so bad.
And anyway, his older brother had backed him up so he wasn't too worried. "I'm sure Raph isn't autistic Casey." Leo replied. "He's probably just introverted or insecure."
Raph glared daggers at his older brother who just ignored him. But hearing Leo say he probably doesn't have autism makes him a little more relieved.
And then Donnie just had to point out how autism is far worse than what April had just described. "Autistic people not only have those symptoms, but are more prone to suffer from dissociation and sensory overloads."
The funny is part is that usually Raph would just stop listening to Donnie ramble on and on about science-y stuff half way in but he actually listened this time. For some reason wanted to know what people with autism suffer from.
And he tried to convince himself it wasn't because he was checking whether the symptoms resonated within him.
They did.
And he really didn't like that.
***
In his room later, he decided to search something up. He told himself that it was just because he was curious, not because he wanted to check whether he was autistic or anything.
He searched up 'Autism Quiz'.
Yeah. He did that.
Sure it may not be very professional to base whether you have autism through an online quiz but it's better confirmation than nothing. He clicked the first link he saw and opened it up. He scrolled past all the information that would probably eman nothing to him and when to the actual quiz immediately.
Question 1: I like to do things the same way.
Raph looked through his options, he appreciated how they gave three options and not just a yes-no answers.
He pressed the 'sometimes' button.
Come on, he loved doing different things because doing the same thing every day was boring and sometimes he liked to switched things up. But at the same time he loved reading the same Sonic the Hedgehog comic book issues over and over again. He loved watching the same episodes of his favorite tv show over and over again because he could.
He tried not to think too much about the question and moved on to the next one.
Question 2: I would rather hang out alone than go to a party with friends.
Raph didn't have that many friends. Only two. Because one, he was a mutant and list people would literally run away and scream upon looking at him. And two, he lived in the sewers. But if he was a human, well he would rather just hang out with his select few of friends than a whole group. Too many people meantany confrontations and conversations.
He'd rather just hang out with just his brothers, April and Casey.
So he pressed 'the most of the time' button.
Again Raph tried to not think too much about how his answer might affect his result.
Question 3: I tend to notice small details that others don't.
What type of question was that? He dienst keep track of every damn thing he notices. He just pressed the sometimes button.
Question 4: I find myself drawn more strongly to people than to things or solitary activities (including video games).
Never.
Video games, comic books, drawing? They won't agitate or irritate him. They weren't annoying like some of the idiots he's seen from across rooftops.
Question 5: I enjoy social gatherings and/or find social situations easy.
Never. He liked to keep to himself most of time thank you very much.
Question 6: On many occasions, I’ve been told that what I’ve said is impolite, even though I think it is polite.
Holy shit, yes. Most of the time! He'd just poke fun at his brothers and then they'll say that it was kinda rude and all that. He would feel bad, he does, he just know how to show it. Then he'll your muttered an whatever and go to a corner.
Question 7: I frequently find it hard to keep a conversation going.
Most of the time.
Question 8: I tend to have very strong interests and get upset if I can’t pursue them.
Yes. He is very passionate about his interests alright? He loves collecting all the Sonic the Hedgehog comic books he can grab his hands on despite living in the sewers. Last Christmas he was blessed to have been gifted the last few remaining comic books that he was missing from completing the whole Archie comic series from April.
And then Casey has bought him a fucking Funko Pop?! He looked up from his phone to look at the Funko Pop he had so dearly kept safe, if anything happened to him and destroyed it from its mint condition, oh he would get so mad.
Question 9: I often notice small sounds when others don’t.
Most of the time.
Question 10: I find it hard to figure out people’s intentions.
Yeah. It's not his fault he's fucking horrible at reading people's thoughts, expressions and moods. People are just so fucking complicated. (He doesn't think about how he's also just as complicated, if not more)
Then he saw that it was the end of the quiz, he wasted no time on tapping the 'get results' button.
He waited. He sat there on his bed, watching the swirl of the loading icon, as he results were being calculated. He wouldn't admit it even if he was anxious.
High Chances of Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuc-
"Okay okay calm down Raphael." Raph told himself. "This is just one quiz, and it's an online one. It's means nothing. Nothing."
He exited the website and went to the link below it. He couldn't stop thinking about how that first link had said he might have autism, seeing as it was the first link for a reason meaning that people probably trusted the first website more than the others and-
Fuck.
Why was he so worked up?
He entered the second website and answered all the questions, he tapped the get results button.
High chances of Autism
Fuck.
Okay stay calm.
Is what he told himself.
So he did. He took in breaths, in and out he chanted silently in his mind. That's two already. Two quizzes that said he had high chances of having autism. So there really was no denying it. He had some sort of chance to have autism. He didn't like it. And whatever Donnie had said just now? About what autistic people suffer from? It didn't sound pleasant.
And on top of that, April had said that people with autism are looked down upon, treated like idiots by society. He didn't want his brothers, April or Casey to treat him like he didn't know what 1 + 1 was.
Then his mind just had to think about it didn't it?
Because what if his brothers see his autism as a liability, what if they see it as a weakness their enemies could thwart? What if they think differently of him? Maybe they could think he was somehow worse in fighting now because he was autistic now too.
Deep down he knew they would never think of him that way but the possibility that they could?
It terrified him.
In the end, he decided that he would keep this new self discovery to himself.
***
Now when Raph was on patrol with Casey, he suddenly felt every aware of every single behavior and mannerism he had. Comparing it to the autism symptoms he had searched up after deciding to keep his discovery to himself.
He was suddenly aware of how he makes inconsistent eye contact, he's suddenly aware of how he's slow to respond to Casey calling his name when they went to fight some street thugs. He's aware of how Casey had commented that he looks like he wasn't listening to what he was saying.
Basically he was hyper aware of how he really acted like someone with autism.
In fact, Casey was calling his name right now and he's still staring off in the distance.
"Raph? Raph dude?" Casey called, snapping his fingers in front of Raph's face, which caused the turtle to take a step back.
"Wha- huh? What were you saying?" Raph asked, turning to look at Casey, eyes flickering to Casey's brown ones before quickly looking away.
"You seem pretty out of it Ellie." Casey commented. "Is it your bros again? Mikey?" Casey added, in a somewhat jokingly tone.
"No. I'm just.. thinking." Raph replied, still not looking at Casey.
"Well you seem really out of it though. It's like you're barely listening or looking at anything."
Raph sighed. "Sorry about that. There's just some shit on my mind j can't stop thinking about."
"What is it?"
Well that was expected. He knew Casey would ask that, pretty obvious. He's just thinking whether he could trust Casey to keep his autism a secret. And Casey doesn't seem to know that the word secret fucking exists.
"Look." Raph said pointedly and seriously, and his tone seemed to have caused Casey to realise that this wasn't some joking manner, it actually mattered to him. And that it's a huge fucking deal that he trusts Casey enough to tell him.
"You have to promise not to tell anyone. And I mean no one. Not Leo, April, some rando, your school friends, I don't care. No one. You hear me Jones?"
He had to get the point across that no one has to know about his probable autism.
"Okay, I get it." Casey said with all seriousness as he got closer. He then suddenly thought about how that tone of seriousness doesn't even fit to be coming from the hockey player's mouth.
He took in a breath, not really even believing that he was about to tell Casey about this after he had just told himself last night that he wouldn't tell anyone. But the hockey player was always somehow able to make him do shit never wouldn't do for anyone else.
Anyway. He just prays that Casey doesn't think any more or less or him, he doesn't know how he'll handle that.
"I think I actually might be autistic." Raph quickly murmured.
Casey seemed a little shocked from what Raph had said, seeming as if he was expecting Raph to say something else. But the hockey player recovered quickly, coughing into his hand as he regained his composure.
"Oh. Uh that's, cool." Casey uttered.
"Cool?!" Raph exclaimed.
What kinda response was that? Good? Bad? Does Casey think differently of him? Look down on him? Think he's weird and too stupid to be his best friend anymore? He doesn't like how most of the possibilities he thought of were not pleasant.
Casey searched his face and seemingly realised something. "Oh! You.. You thought I was gonna think differently of you or something?" Casey said. And he was actually shocked how Casey seemed to have just read his mind.
He nodded, albeit slightly and suddenly looking at the human felt a lot to do, so he looked down at the floor. "Do you?"
Casey laughed and he immediately thought the worst. Because Casey was mocking him, wasn't he? Laughing at how stupid he must think Raph is, looking down on him like how many more people have on other autistic people.
He almost wanted to cry.
"No! Of course not!" Cause closed in the space between them, and hugging the turtle when Casey realized his eyes were too watery to be normal. "This gonna sound really cheesy but whether you're autistic or not, you're still gonna be my best friend alright?"
He let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding, before hugging the hockey player back, leaning a little too much into the embrace. Not that either of them cared, Raph needed someone to be there right now, and Casey was that someone.
He chuckled, muffled as stray tears rolled down his face, "That was pretty fucking chessy."
"I know right? But seriously, I'm really proud of you. I'm sure it wasn't easy to say that shit." Casey added.
It was silent for a while, not an awkward or tense one by any means, just comfortable one where neither of them made a move to let go of the other so they stayed in their position. He kinda liked it.
Never admitting that though.
"Thanks for telling me. I promise I won't tell anyone." Casey added, before finally letting him go.
"Thank you." He mumbled.
Casey smiled, that stupid toothy grin of his.
***
When Raph returned to the lair, it was without Casey. Though the hockey player had said that literally no one, not his brothers or April would look down on him for being autistic despite what he had protested.
Deep down he knew that. Yes. His family would never do such a thing. But he's just scared. He's read some stories about what happened to people when they said they were autistic.
Being looked down on.
Dismissal.
It's not impossible. Just a very slim chance of it happening. But it's chance Raph would rather not take if he didn't need to.
He as usual returns to his room, again, avoiding any contact whatsoever. It's his usual thing. Hiding out in his room, reading, or drawing or whatever he feels like. Until Mikey calls everyone for dinner that is.
'Which was now' he sourly thought.
And April was joining them tonight.
He reluctantly got up and went to the kitchen sitting at his usual spot next time Leo, and this time, April.
Mikey had whipped out some Chinese noodles, according to Mikey it was called Wan Ton Noodles? Raph had to agree with everyone when they said it was delicious.
April had bought Mikey a cooking book for last Christmas, and Mikey's been trying new dishes, getting ingredients from April. And he really liked the red meat that came with the noodle. (Char siew was it?)
As they were eating, Donnie brought up April's project again.
And Raph nearly wanted to fucking bang his head against the table. Silently swearing to his brother in his mind, now his dinner was probably going to be spoiled.
"It's going great Dee. I'm actually gathering a lot more information than I expected, but it would be better if I could have some data from someone who actually has from autism." April replied, "But no one I know is openly neurodivergent so I can't really get that sort of data."
He could help.
That was if he told her about his self diagnosed autism. He doesn't know if he's ready for that though, despite Casey having a positive response to him coming out as autistic. But April is...
Different.
He would say that he's quite close to April actually, because he is. He's close enough to know that she had a period of time when she was younger where she self harmed. Frankly he's surprised that April told him and not Donnie.
He's glad that April actually trusts him that much to say that she had self harmed. It helped him think that he wouldn't be be-littled or be dismissed by her.
Maybe he'lll actually tell her.
But only because he wanted to help April with her project since he could. He wasn't rushing himself to come out, right? He just thought that his family would not dismiss him or anything. And April, she needed help with her project.
But not today.
April already said that she was taking a short break from her project for the time being, and that she'll pick it back up again in a few days.
So maybe in a few days he might tell her.
A few days was now, and it passed by in a blur too. He lied to his brothers that he was visiting Casey when he had already texted April that he was coming over to her place. And if April found it weird that he was going to her place at 10pm at night, she didn't say anything.
She just replied with a simple 'ok!' which was probably alright.
And he wasn't lying when he said 10pm, which was the exact time he had knocked on April's window. Seeing the red-head look up from her computer screen and turn her head to face him. Her face and composure lighting up when she saw him.
"Hey Raph! And on the dot too." April greeted, opening the window for Raph to climb in. "So what're you here for?" April asked, as she gestured at Raph to take a seat.
Wow okay I'm really doing this huh?
Might as well get it over with.
"Uh I need to tell you something. Like something I haven't even told any of my brothers or whatever." Raph murmured.
He's glad that April immediately understands that what's he's about to say is, sensitive. And like Casey, she looks like she understands that him telling her this, meant that he really trusted her.
"Okay. I understand. It's something that's like me when I told you about my self harm. Right?" April asked, voice slow.
Raph nodded.
"Okay. I'm honored Raph. Really, I hope in pushing you to tell me this. Because you don't have to force yourself!" April added, making sure to consider his feelings.
Which is something he really appreciated.
"No... I see seriously want to tell you. And..." He took in a deep breath, voice getting quieter as he spoke. "It's got something to do with your project."
"My... Project?"
Raph nodded subtly, looking down onto the carpet under April's bed, the triangle patterns suddenly looking very interesting."You said it'd help if you got data from someone who actually... you know..."
"Autistic?" April finished for him, voice soft.
Raph looked up when he heard her tone, and was saw April smiling at him, happily. She didn't seem like she was about to give on and on and on about how he was just introverted or insecure.
She seems like she's going to accept him and not dismiss or look down on him.
"Yeah." He replied quietly.
April's smile somehow widened.
"Can I hug you?"
Raph nodded.
April practically then leaped onto him, he almost fell backwards from the impact, but he hugged her back just as tightly.
"I am so proud of you!" April exclaimed. "I've literally read some many autism coming out stories and it does not sound easy." She then pulled away. "I'm glad you trust me that much to tell me."
Raph chuckled a bit. "Well yeah, you seemed the least likely to dismiss or be little me y'know? You kinda felt like the safest option."
April grinned, huffing out a laugh.
"I'm not trying to pressure you or anything but why not tell your brothers? I'm sure they'd be even more supportive of your autism."
About that.
When Casey had first mentioned how Raph acts like someone who was autistic, Leo had- quote on quote -said that he, Raphael, was just probably introverted or insecure.
Which isn't wrong.
But it wasn't a response he'd liked hearing from his older brother if he ever told Leo that he was autistic. Because Leo would be basically dismissing him if he did. And it's would just feel like him coming out to him, trusting Leo that much to tell him, would mean absolutely nothing.
That was his main worry with his brothers.
Donnie and Mikey would probably be neutral about it. Mostly Donnie. Mikey would probably be supportive. But then again he was just assuming their reactions. Maybe his brothers were secretly ableist.
"Oh."
Oh.
"Did I say all that out loud?" Raph muttered sheepishly. "I really should'nt be worried so much though."
"Yeah you did. And! It's okay to think that way!" April quickly reassured. "Most people with neurodivergent disorders tend to feel scared or worried about coming out to family and friends, and even if you don't, that's fine too. Your reasonings are validated Raph."
He smiled. "Thanks. That means a lot."
April beamed back. "Now... No pressure but... I'd love to take some notes on what life is like with autism.”
Laughing, he nodded, “It’s only been a week since I self diagnosed myself but sure.”
***
"You should take a fidget toy home, it helps."
"What are those?"
"Well..."
Okay so he took one, and it was called pop-it apparently. And from what April had said, fidget toys help people with autism to be preoccupied and not stim so much. And when she had said that he asked what stimming was, and she literally quoted from Google when she said ' it's a repetitive or unusual body movement or noises.'
And boy does he stim a lot.
In fact he's subconsciously doing right now, he's humming the tune of 'His World' from the Sonic 06 game which by the way, is trash.
"But they did nail Shadow's character so there's that. And Blaze was badass." He muttered to himself.
He kept on walking down the sewer tunnel towards the lair that he has done too many times, talking to himself the whole journey about Sonic Adventure 2 while he played with the pop-it.
"What you got there Raph?" Mikey asked as soon as he saw his older brother walk through the turn stills at the entrance.
"April gave it to me." He replied, walking past from his brother.
"What! No fair! Why does Raph get nice stuff from April?" Mikey complained.
"Did you forget when she literally gave you brand new Chris Bradford figurines?" He murmured, facing his little brother with a blank expression.
"Yeah... Do you think Don will get jealous April gave you that?"
"No? Why would he?" He uttered, walking away, continuing to play with the pop-it.
He walked into his room, slamming the door behind him, before lying on his shell, picking up his T-Phone and searching up some more stories of people's journey of coming out as autistic.
Not only did he feel comfort from reading them because he felt seen, that he wasn't the only one feeling like his family would judge him for having a disability. In a very cheesy way, it also have him some confidence to come out to his family. To emerge from his metaphorical closet.
"I saw how they treated them and how they talked about them when they thought they couldn’t be heard — or worse, when they could but were convinced they couldn’t be understood. I was afraid of losing the respect of these co-workers"
That's how I feel!
He thought to himself.
Just as he read the article finished, Leo came barging into his room for no apparent fucking reason. At least he thinks.
"Raph? We're going on patrol. And you're coming along." Leo instructed, hands on his hips and he was really looking like a mom (but Raph shall'nt say anything because the last time he did he nearly got punched into a wall).
"Fine." He muttered, getting up from his bed and walking past Leo.
"You've being hanging out in your room a lot more lately Raph, more than usual." Leo commented.
"What? You think I'm hiding something?" He accused.
"No, unless you are? I was just saying that you've been hanging around with us lesser than you usally do already. Which fyi, is not that much either." Leo replied. "I'm just? Worried?"
He sighed, long and completely audible.
"Don't worry about me Fearless. I'm fine." Raph stated, walking up to Donnie and Mikey who were waiting for the both of them.
"I still don't understand why we have to go on patrol Leo!" Mikey complained, "The Shredder's beat, the Kraang are gone, Tigerclaw has laid off crime what even is there to patrol for?"
"For the millionth time Mikey, there could be a new villain rising or maybe the purple dragons might be plotting."
"Not to mention that not all of Shred-Head's goons are on the low." Donnie interjected.
"Whatever, let's just go."
Mikey was right, that patrol was pointless.
There wasn't even a single crime when they went on patrol, plus it was only the purple dragons who seemed to be the only one doing crime.
"Argh that was such a waste of time." He murmured, slouching back against the corner of the pit.
"Agreed." Donnie added, laying back against the cushions. "I could be done so much more research."
"Same." He said, not thinking much about it.
"Same?" Donnie asked, sitting up and facing Raph, brows furrowed. "What're you researching?"
"Researching? Who said anything about researching? I meant that I've wasted so much time going on Leo's god forbid patrol." He quickly explained.
"Okay, would all if you stop rubbing it in? I'm just trying to be careful and protect the city. Anyway Raph, you patrol the city with Casey, wouldn't that be boring too?"
"No! Cause I - it's - it's just different alright?!" Raph sputtered, storming off back to his room.
He closed the door behind him and sitting on his bed, watching as Chompy play pretend with his figurines. He walked over to his pet space turtle, scooping the smaller turtle gently, which it churred happily at. He set Chompy on his bed, the space turtle looking at him as if demanding for a belly rub or something like that.
"Awh, what do you want Chompy? Hmm?" He softly asked, petting the turtle's head gently with one finger.
Chompy obviously couldn't answer him back in words but the gesture of space alien laying on his shell on his bed is more than enough to tell him what the space turtle wanted.
He gladly started tickling Chompy's place plastron, the tiny space turtle churring happily.
He didn't know how long he sat there with Chompy (probably around 30 minutes), the space turtle now having decided to crawl all over his plastron and shell, and he watched as best as he could, content with the peace he has settled in.
But then, of course someone had to ruin it because you can't get no shit peace in this household.
"Who is it?" He called.
"It's Donnie."
He sighed, "Come in."
Donnie then opened his door, carefully walking in, holding his T-Phone and choosing to sit at his desk's chair.
"What do you want Donnie?" He asked, watching Chompy slide down his arm and tried to crawl under his hand to sleep under.
"I do not mean to intrude or invade your privacy but, your... Search history on Google...is quite concerning." His brother hesitantly said.
His eyes widened, his whole body stiffened as he refused to look up and face Donnie. The impact of what Donnie said hitting him like a goddamned truck. Because now his brother knew.
And he didn't want that to happen.
Not now anyway.
"How fucking dare you, look through THAT."
"I know, I know I'm sorry but I get emails from my computer on what you guys search as what sensei had insturcted me to do." Donnie quickly added.
He has the urge to literally scream that Father was dead but he wasnt going to do that for the sake of his and Donnie's mental stability.
"Well, Donatello, that still doesn't give you the means to go through my search history of the past fucking week!" He shouted, "I had a reason why I didn't tell you, or Leo or Mikey alright? I needed to think it through, properly. But no, you had to violate my basic privacy and now you know and I-"
He stopped himself, he shouldn't be mad. But he fucking is.
He doesn't care that his fucking crying right now, he doesn't look at Donnie, he doesn't want to see whatever expression his brother is wearing because he doesn't know what it might be.
"I don't think differently about you Raph, but I am sorry that I violated your privacy, but being autistic doesn't change how I see you alright? I understand why you didn't want to tell me, and I really didn't want to confront you about this today. But I just couldn't stop thinking about it." Donnie started as he sees that he's keeping quiet for the time being.
"And I have to emphasize that I don't think differently of you, I won't dismiss you or be little you in anyway. And I promise not to tell anyone if you'd like." Donnie continued. "In fact, I could help you with your autism if you'd like."
He took in a breath, watching as Chompy slightly stirred in his sleep, somehow not waking up despite his shout moments ago.
"Thanks Dee." He muttered. "And I'd like that."
"You're welcome Raph. And I'm taking it you don't want Leo or Mikey to know?"
"No, thank you. I'm not ready yet." He replied.
"Then maybe perhaps you'd like to say, find ways to help your autism?" Donnie suggested.
He smiled, yeah that sounded nice.
***
"Should I tell them?" He asked, twirling a some random screwdriver between his fingers idly.
"Well only if you want to." Donnie replied, snatching the screwdriver from Raph's hands.
"Urgh, the reason I'm asking you is because I want a second opinion Donnie!" He grumbled as he saw a pencil in the corner and picked it up instead. And instead of twirling it around his fingers, he now started to try to make it stand on it's flat end.
"Well you haven't told Leo or Mikey despite me, April and even Casey saying that they wouldn't judge you.." Donnie said thoughtfully, "But again, no pressure. You can come out to them whenever you want to."
"Can I do it today then?" He blurted out, as the pencil fell against the table for the 5th time already.
Donnie eyes widened slightly before returning to their normal size, "Sure, if you feel up to it."
"YES!" He yelled.
"What?"
"Look for yourself." He replied.
Donnie's eyes flickered to the pencil in front of Raph that was standing up right. Not falling.
"Huh. Impressive." Donnie murmured.
"I know right?" He added, praising himself.
Donnie then plastered a shit eating grin and he immediately knew what that meant.
"No you're not doing that Donatello, not after my minutes worth of work." He exclaimed, immediately protecting the pencil with his arms, only for the pencil to just fall.
Donnie laughed, loud and hard as he frowned at his fallen pencil, the purple bandana turtle was gasping for breath as he watched him try to place the pencil back up right.
In the end he just gave up and flipped Donnie off. Which only caused him to laugh more.
"Fuck you Donnie."
"Language Raph." Came Leo's voice from the lab's entrance.
"Language Raph." He mimicked, before turning away to face Donnie again. "Not like you don't swear either Fearless."
He could hear Leo's eye roll as he asked Donnie to fix something for him, probably some broken action figure or a ripped comic page. He then heard some more footsteps as Leo walked away, the sound of the metal lab doors clanging gainst each other ringing in his ears.
"What did he ask you to fix?"
"Action figure." Donnie muttered, grabbing some glue. "Honestly, I have so many better things to do.."
"Like what huh? Making up a plan for every single possibility of April's reaction when you ask her something again?" Raph teased.
"That was one time! And 3 years ago to boot! I don't really see her that way anymore. I just think she's neat that's all." Donnie uttered, as he secured the arm of Leo's figurine back in place.
"You said you wanted to tell Leo or Mikey about your autism? Well, maybe you can now. Take this back to him." Donnie added, passing the figurine to him. "And you're sure you really want to do this?"
"You and April have known for a week, and Casey two weeks." Raphael replied. "I don't really like leaving Leo and Mikey in the dark. And anyway, all of you seem super confident they won't judge me or anything so..."
"Yeah I get it. I'm just saying you don't got to force yourself."
"Thanks bro."
"No problem, and good luck. Just in case." Donnie called as he left the lab.
He held the figuring close to his chest as he walked to Leo's room. Because out of everyone Raph felt the most afraid to come out to, it was his older brother. Because what would his reaction seriously be? After all Leo had said "im sure Raph is just introverted and insecure".
Haha. He's so not nervous at all.
But he wants to do this. So, forcibly pushing all the 'bad' thoughts to some deep corner of his brain, Raph knocked on Leo's door frame, awaiting for him to emerge behind it's hinges.
"Thanks Donnie I-" Leo halted as he saw it was Raph, "Oh hey Raph! Thanks for bringing it back to me. Tell Donnie I said thanks." Leo added, taking his figurine out of Raph's hands.
And the door was about to close and he was still standing there, he and a chance now didn't he? Just fucking do it you coward.
"Leo wait- I.. I want to tell you something." Raph quickly uttered.
"Oh."
His older brother seemed a little taken aback by that but all signs of it were gone in a second, his face blank as he waited for what Raph was going to say.
"So.. I am... y'know..."
"Gay?!" Leo exclaimed.
What!?
"No! I'm autistic!" Raph exclaimed just as loud.
"Oh shit. Sorry. But uh, how do I say this. I don't really have experience with an autistic person before, but I’m willing to learn! And uh, wow thank you for trusting me with this Raph."
Damn Donnie was right. Fuck it. He's gonna tell Mikey after this.
"Uh, no problem. To be honest, I kinda expected you to say that I was you know, introverted or insecure. You know, dismiss me or something." He admitted.
Leo's eyes softened. "Oh, I'm sorry if I said something like that before. I didn't know anything so I just kinda said it without thinking about it."
"No no! At that time I didn't even know I was autistic, and I'm just saying I'm glad you didn't you know.."
"Yeah, you're welcome." Leo replied.
He then hugged his brother, tightly, relishing in the fact that everyone had been supportie so far. God so damn fucking supportive. He and the best family and he took it for granted in the past. He wanted to slap his three years younger self in the face goddammit.
He felt Leo hug back a second later.
***
"So you're gonna tell Mikey today too?" Donnie asked.
"Yes."
"Okay sudden confident boost right? I told you." Donnie bragged.
"Whatever genius, just be glad I actually went to tell Leo." Raph retorted.
"Well I'm proud of your bravery Raphael. Though Mikey is Mikey... So I wouldn't expect much from him." Donnie murmured, screwing with something.
"Well yeah, I don't expect much just as long as he doesn't you know, not accept me or make fun of me." Raph replied. "And you know Mikey lives to do that."
"Yeah, but I think Michel know when's the time it be serious. So have some faith in him yeah?"
"I do have faith in him but Mikey is unpredictable. His reponses are unpredictable. Like, I don't know whether he would be ableist or not? Like you get me right?" Raph asked.
"Yeah I do. But he's still our brother so I'm sure he wouldn't mind it." Donnie replied.
"Yeah, where is Mikey anyway."
"Mikey should be in the kitchen. Making dinner probably."
"Thanks Dee." Raph said as he walked out.
He decides to be direct about it. Just tell Mikey, straight to the point. He had started a conversation with Mikey and in the end just quickly blurted out the fact that he was autistic.
He's little brother didn't catch it at first but a second later suddenly stop moving the frying pan in his hand. Slowly turning to him with wide eyes.
"HOLY SHIT." His little brother yelled.
"Ah shit!" Raph exclaimed quickly covering his ears. "Don't fucking yell please."
"Sorry but you said you were WHAT?!"
"Autistic."
"Woah Raph, I uh 100% promise to 100% support you with whatever you need!" His little brother said, saluting to him the frying pan suddenly ignored.
"Thanks little brother." Raph stated, patting Mikey's head a few times which they knew was their personal type of hug.
Dinner that might was the definitely the best one he had.