Chapter Text
It was not unusual for Narcissa Black to hear gossip about her family, it just came with the title of being a well-known line, but this year the whispers about Andromeda and her horrifically stupid decision threatened to drive her mad. She was alone in Hogwarts, counting down every single day until this term was over and she’d never have to step foot in here again, students from the other houses found it funny that a family as proud as hers could have fallen so low, the boys in Slytherin house used it as a stick to poke her with when they wanted a reaction, a few of the girls made comments but they were almost always shut down. Eudora Greengrass was one hell of a foe and also her best friend, so the girls wouldn’t dare comment too much.
“We’ve only two weeks left girls, then we’re free forever.” Vespasia Nott dropped on the sofa opposite. “Dora, are you spending the summer at mine in Kefalonia?”
“Of course.” Eudora nodded, flipping through her magazine.
“Cissy, are you coming?” Ves asked the question she was dreading.
“I’m not sure anymore, mother has written to tell me she has plans.” Well, mother had said she couldn’t go lest she bring more shame on the family name. “I’ll see if I can make it for a week or so.”
“You’ve got to come, we’ve been planning this for years.” Ves sighed.
“Planning what, shacking up with a werewolf?” A cruel voice snapped through their conversation, Malfoy was behind them. “Runs in the family I suppose.”
“Loitering behind doors, runs in your family I’m sure.” Dora snapped her magazine shut. “Come on girls, let’s go for a walk.”
There would be some parts of Hogwarts that she’d miss, the courtyards, the walks, even just the quiet that could be found in little known places, but after this year she’d happily never come back. For a summers evening it was quite cool, it had been a harsh winter and the chill had never really left the air, her friends had begged her to come to dinner but she just wanted a moment alone, a moment to think. It would be a lie to say her heart didn’t ache for Andromeda, they were sisters after all, but mostly she just felt annoyed that her own sister could leave her alone with mother like that, she’d have known the problems this would cause, and she’d have known mothers’ reaction. Her best years, the ones she’d been looking forward to from the moment she stepped foot into Hogwarts, the ones that were to be an array of parties, travels, and late nights, were now to be doomed to the parlour where she could be squarely under mothers’ watchful eye.
Despite the chill to the air it was a beautiful night, the stars stretched before her in and endless carpet and the castle towered over the horizon in that slightly imposing manner she adored. It was calm, quiet, peaceful, all things she’d no longer have when she returned home. Perhaps she was worrying too much, maybe after a month or so mother would relent and allow her to do all the things she had been promised just like Bellatrix. She could say Bella would be her chaperone, Bella had married well and was mothers favourite, and Bella was heaps of fun. Yes, she’d ask Bella.
If she could wait long enough, another hour at best, then she could sneak through the empty corridors and grab a slice of toast from the kitchens before heading back to her dorm, last night she’d not been able to and since the mocking had turned almost constant she’d avoided the Great Hall for weeks. The sweets hidden in her trunk had only lasted so long, and with the open taunting from that Gryffindor group she’d not faced a trip to Hogsmeade this term. So, to say she was hungry was an overstatement. But she’d lost a lot of weight this term, so that would be another black mark.
“You shouldn’t be out here, it’s against the rules.” It seemed her night was to get much worse.
“If it’s against the rules for me, it’s against the rules for you.” She avoided looking at Malfoy’s direction as she stood.
“You weren’t at dinner, you’ve not been at a single meal all week.” He always changed his skin when his friends weren’t around, pretending to be some worried bystander.
“Yet you’ve still found the time to taunt me, how charming.” She could go to the lake or find some empty classroom to hide in for another hour until he went to bed.
“A few jokes, you’re just sensitive. Come inside, it’s cold and I’ve brought you something to eat.” Of course he had, and surely once she’d follow him he’d have some cruel jest up his sleeve. “You look awful.”
“Usually both parties have to laugh for it to be a joke, but you’re no better than that Gryffindor lot.” She walked faster, hoping she’d get some distance between them.
“What, your cousin?” Another sneered reply, his long legs matched her steps easily. “If he’s bothering you then just use that little voice of yours, speak up and it will stop.”
“Malfoy, I want you to leave me alone.”
“And I want you to tell me who is bothering you.” He grabbed her arm, dragging her to a stop. “Slytherin house does not-“
“Oh, so when it’s a matter of house pride then it matters. But when one of your own is facing constant harassment, it doesn’t matter?” She tried to pull her arm free, but his grip was far too tight. “Malfoy, get off me.”
“You aren’t facing constant harassment, it’s just for once in your spoilt life you aren’t being worshiped for being some prissy goody-two-shoes girl. Get a backbone, it will suit you.” He huffed a laugh, but his hand was lowered. “Now come inside and have something to eat.”
“No, shan’t.” Instead she would walk the courtyards, perhaps traipse through the greenhouse and admire the plants. Anything but be around people snickering at her sudden fall.
***
Rain thudded against the window for what felt like the millionth afternoon in a row, if she’d have known what awaited her when she returned home then perhaps she’d have enjoyed that awful year at Hogwarts just a little more. Her news of the world outside of her home consisted only of letters from her friends enjoying the travels they’d planned for years, tedious articles in the gossip papers, news of engagements delivered in mothers clipped tones over tea, and Bella’s visits every other day. If not for Bella she’d go mad, she’d not stepped foot beyond the front door for months and it was now approaching the end of autumn.
Thick frilled cushions created a comforting nest on her window seat, the rain was so heavy that the garden below was no more than splotches of green and brown, here was a comforting spot but she couldn’t while away the entire day up here, not unless she wanted to be accused of writing to Andromeda. She hadn’t written, save once at school, but sometimes she thought about it, just a little.
“Mother said no, well she specified not yet so there’s still hope.” Bellatrix had slipped quietly into her room. “I’ll keep asking, it’s not right for her to keep you in here for so long.”
“I have done nothing wrong.” She gently closed her book.
“I know, which is why there’s no real reason for her to say I can’t take you out for dinner other than stubbornness. Rodolphus would be there, I would be there, there would be nothing for her to complain about.” Bella sat beside her, pulling her legs to her chest to fit. They were both too big to sit as they used to, but they would squash in. “I’ll have Rodolphus come, she wouldn’t deny him.”
“Have him ask father, that would be better.” At least father had a somewhat soft spot, he knew she’d never disappoint the family name.
“Okay, now come down and we’ll have lunch.” But Bella made no move to leave, her dark curls were twisted into a tight bun which meant she’d pulled out all the stops to appease mother. There really was no chance she’d ever leave this place.
Sometimes even lunch felt like a punishment, before the incident meals at home were always filled with seasonal wonders and delicious sides but for the third day in the row she had a rather unappetising vegetable stew with one plain boiled potato. Mother and father would probably go out for dinner, or at least have something far superior, but her diet was now filled with bland mush that she couldn’t bear to stomach, it simply wasn’t fair. There was no salt or pepper on the table, her serving seemed to be devoid of the green herbs sprinkling her sisters, she didn’t even have any cordial in her glass of water and wine was strictly out of the question.
“Rodolphos and I would like to take Cissy to the opera soon, his brother may join us.” Bella spoke to her father, because in his mind Andromeda ceased to exist.
“No.” Mother shook her head.
“Mother-“
“No, how can I trust her when she allowed her sister to marry that man under our very noses. She saw all and said nothing!” A fork slammed against the table, they were edging into argument territory. “And if she didn’t see, then she’s an idiot who can’t leave this house.”
“Perhaps it was so far beyond the realms of normality in my poor Narcissa’s mind that she just wouldn’t look for it, in fact wife, it worries me that you seem to believe there was something to see.” Father steepled his fingers, he never ate bland stew but always heavy meats and rich dishes. “It makes me wonder if you saw it, if you are hiding things from me and punishing my girl to absolve yourself.”
“I am protecting our youngest daughter.”
“Yet at my club the constant question is why my daughter isn’t out in society, it is you keeping shame at our door!” Father stood, the table shattered at his casual curse yet mother remained unruffled. This wasn’t exactly unusual. “The Nott’s take it as a slight we revoked her invitation to that holiday, yet you don’t care about that. I’m going out, I expect some resolution upon my return.”
There was a deathly silence as father apparated away, bits of wood and china were littered around the dining room, there was a smear of stew on the wall, family portraits were shaking their heads in disapproval, but mother said nothing. Bella glanced her way, shaking her head to remind her not to speak. If they could both stay silent then mother’s rage might not fall upon them, rather unlikely but they were still hopeful.
“Narcissa.” Mother picked her napkin from her lap, pinching it between her thumb and forefingers and letting it drop to the floor. “Get out of my sight.”
“Mother-“
“Give me your wand.”
There was really no other choice, life would become unbearable if she disobeyed so she simply handed over her wand and left. Perhaps it was some snippet of rebellion flitting through her blood, maybe the same rebellion that had seen her sister make that disastrous decision, but instead of returning to her room as expected she sought solace in the rolling gardens of their country house. She ran through the potions garden, over the minature quidditch pitch, and through the shaded woodlands until her heart beat wildly in her chest, but she kept running, kept pushing, kept dreaming that if she ran far enough she’d run over the boundary and to freedom.
Branches scratched her skin, her hair caught on twigs, once or twice she almost rolled her ankle, but she just kept going. It wasn’t fair, nothing about this was fair, her grades were always good, manners immaculate, appearance tidy, she never shouted or bickered with her sisters, never disagreed with mother, never dated a boy, or even exchanged letters, she did everything she was supposed to do yet now she was being punished.
If life was fair then this would be her years of freedom, she’d lived under the oppression of her parents for eighteen years, never complaining, never acting out, she’d done all that under the promise of the freedom that lay beyond the door. Yet it had all crumpled. Tears blurred her eyes as she slowed her run, there was nowhere she could go, she couldn’t even cross the stream. A few spots of rain broke through the leaves, she had never come this far before, she had no wand so either way shed end up drenched so maybe she would stay put for a while, she could pretend she was elsewhere.
If life had gone well for her then she’d be ignoring her mothers chides for the sun she’d caught in Greece that had her skin turn an unsightly red, but mother would have still said she looked beautiful in the dress she’d be wearing to the Greengrass party tonight. She’d dance with men, not the annoying boys from school but real gentleman, she’d dance until her feet ached then sneak off with Dora and Ves to drink a little more wine than was proper, they’d be tipsy or maybe even drunk but the papers would lavish them in compliments, they’d say they were having a sleepover, perhaps at a house they had free reign of, but they wouldn’t be sleeping at all, they’d be going to a nightclub.
And the nightclub would be perfect, it would be dark wood and jewel toned furnishings, or maybe it would be white marble and gold features, there would be a band or two, a floor for dancing, the prettiest drinks she’d ever seen. They’d dance all night, drink all night, smoke cigarettes and talk to boys, roll home in the early hours of the morning and use charms to get ready for bed. The rain was falling harder as she danced through her mind. Then they’d lie in until the early hours of the afternoon, complain about their aching heads, no, their aching stomachs, they’d laze around until late afternoon and someone will have made reservations, or a gentleman caller would ask them to tea, and when she’d go home then mother would have no harsh words and invite her to call on a friend the next day. That was the life she should have led.
But the dream faded as lightening flashed above her, instead of that glittering life she was locked in a house watching each day tick by with no access to the outside world. The letters from her friends were getting less, probably as she was sure mother wasn’t sending the replies, her interest in the papers was shrinking, the news father would tell her was less interesting, even her afternoons with Bella just felt duller. Life was greying by the moment, greyer perhaps than this storm cloud overhead, the rain was lashing her skin but she could barely feel it, she could feel nothing beyond the loneliness crowding her chest. It threatened to consume her, suffocate her, catch her so tightly in its grips that she’d never escape.
No, she was being dramatic. Self-indulgent, pitiable, it would be embarrassing if people saw the way she was acting right now, mother would laugh at her tears. Water weighed down her dress as she staggered to her feet, it was a long walk back and judging by the dark sky she would be in trouble for her disappearance. The world seemed to spin as she walked, perhaps a mixture of the cold and her hunger, somehow going back felt worse than staying out here but just knowing that she would incur further punishment slowed her steps, if she still had her wand she could cast a drying charm, a warming charm, anything that would make the shivering stop.
After a near eternity struggling along the garden path it was almost comical to find the door sealed shut, pre-emptive punishment she supposed. It was rather unfair after all, she’d had no idea of Andromeda’s romance but she may as well have married the man herself. Perhaps if she had her life would be less constrained. There was nothing she could really do beyond sit on the steps, wishing there was a canopy of sorts to shield her from the rain, her head rested against the wooded door as she watched the water pour along the steps. Someone would notice she was missing soon.
The screaming from the other room made the pounding of her head worse, every few minutes they would be interrupted by Bella’s measured tones but then mother and father would start up again. Lavender scented her pillows and the room was stifling hot, the fire was probably burning but her bed curtains were drawn. They were arguing about her, father most of all. There was someone in her room.
“Take this, it will help you feel better.” The gentle voice of Healer Marie pulled her attention from the arguments, her name was being flung about like a curse.
“What happened?” The vial was sour and chalky.
“You’ve just got a little fever, nothing a bit of rest won’t fix.” Marie cast a silencing charm at the door, her wand was on the nightstand. “I’ll be back tonight.”
***
If anything her life should be much worse after her new confinement to her bed, but the past couple of weeks were almost thrilling compared to the emptiness of before. It was as though mother had been placed under an imperius curse, she simply couldn’t do enough for her, it was the perfect excuse really that she had been too sick to leave, now she had visitors, little trinkets, more bland food, all administered under father’s frown. Something had changed, perhaps for the better, but things still felt tense.
“Narcissa, you have a caller so get dressed. I’ve bought you a new dress.” Mother slipped into the room, her smile tight. “Get dressed and do something with your hair I looks bedraggled, you’ve half an hour. Oh, and put some shoes on.”
“Shoes?” She’d not left the bed in weeks, now it seemed she’d be thrust outside for another ill-fated walk. It was raining after all.
“Don’t just sit there gawking, get dressed.” The sharp tone had her bolting, rather unsteadily, from the bed.
Of course her hair looked bedraggled, she’d not been to a hairdresser in over a year and when her products had run out mother hadn’t bothered to replace them. She’d not been allowed out so she could neither withdrawal money nor shop for things, and to tell Bellatrix would end in an awful fight. Maybe a braided bun would do, a few pretty pearl pins and some perfume, a touch of makeup and her favourite necklace. It was the first interaction with the outside world she’d had in months so who could blame her for being excited, and the pale pink dress mother had given her was to die for, it even had a matching capelet. She had some pale pink heels she could wear, not that matching was her favourite thing to do but she’d not been out for so long it was better to play it safe and wear something inoffensive, something her mother would like, the only thing ruining it was her cough. For all her primping she looked sickly, thin, tired, and pale.
“Ah here she is.” Mother’s voice was just a touch too light, she was never that happy to see her. “Look who’s come to take you out.”
The fates must be laughing at her, or mother was punishing her, but the cool grey eyes that met hers were not welcoming, Lucius Malfoy was sitting beside his mother with a slight scowl. Father was to the left, almost daring her to oppose.
“Out?” That was the best she could manage, as horrible a surprise as this was.
“Are you sure she’s well enough?” Mrs. Malfoy frowned as she took her in.
“She’s perfectly fine, aren’t you dear?” Father lit his pipe. “Back by five.”
“Well, get a cloak then.” Malfoy stood, ignoring the quiet tut from his mother.
There were many things to be grateful for today, actually leaving the house for the first time in months, the handful of pocket money father had slipped into her hand as she had left, the dress from mother, the fresh air, even the pretty quills in this stationary shop. She could not, however, be grateful for the surly company of a boy she could barely tolerate.
“Hurry up.” Malfoy snapped, as though they had anywhere else to be. He offered no conversation, only his arm as they perused the shop.
“When I’ve picked a notebook, we can go to the sweetshop.” It would be expected for Malfoy to pay for the lunch he was taking her to, yet it wouldn’t be completely out of the realms of possibility for him to make her pay just so she’d have to admit to not having any money. So she would save the majority of her funds for that.
“Well pick some.” He huffed.
“I want a quill and a notebook, I’m just deciding.” She’d be slower, just to irritate him
“Deciding between what?” This time his voice was softer, kinder.
“The pink or the orange, with matching quills.” If he was being cooperative, so would she.
“We’ll take both, pack them now.” He slung a handful of change on the table with a smug smile, it wasn’t generosity but a means to hurry things along. “You have ten minutes in the sweet shop.”
“Malfoy, if you didn’t want to be here then you shouldn’t have come to my house.”
“I wanted to see if you were pregnant, that’s usually the reason a witch would hide for months. Turns out you’re just sick, and you look awful.” It was a blow to realise that’s what people must have been whispering, and that the whispers were so rampant he’d taken it upon himself to investigate. “You could be a little thankful that I’m taking you out, think of it as me putting a rest to any rumours.”
“Take me home.” Partially because he was rude, but mostly as her head was starting to spin.
“Are you okay?” He steadied her, pulling her even closer. “What was actually wrong with you?”
“A fever.” One deep breath, then another, the world was slowing.
“That lasted months?” The raised brow was almost audible.
“Yes.” The sweet shop was only a few steps away, if they had some samples out then she could eat something. That would help, she’d not eaten anything yet today and she was still rapidly losing weight.
“Very odd.” But he said nothing more.
The moment they stepped into the sweet shop he was gone, off to find whatever he wanted and finally allowing her to enjoy her own company. There was a wall of chocolate bars with every filling under the sun, sugar mice, exploding bonbons, pepper imps, and sweets of every flavour crammed in every aisle. She had a rather restrained haul to match her restrained funds, despite actually having a lot of money in her vault, it was simply two marshmallow stuffed chocolate bars, a small bag of sugar mice, and a packet of sour wands. Malfoy was taking a while so once she’d paid she went outside to look at the dresses in the window of the shop next door, the fashions had certainly moved on in her confinement.
“Did I say you could walk off?” Malfoy was seething, despite the fact she was in view of the sweet shop the entire time. “And you bought things.”
“Yes-“
“You’ll ruin your lunch.” He snatched the open packet of sour wands, thrusting them into his pocket.
“You need to calm down, I don’t appreciate the way you are talking to me right now.” She placed the rest of the sweets in her handbag, more to avoid a scene than anything else. “We aren’t contractually obliged to spend every second of this afternoon together.”
“But your father told me not to let you out of my sight, so I’d appreciate you doing all you can to keep me from his wrath.” He grabbed her arm, causing her to stumble. “Shopping is over, we’re going to lunch.”
“Let go of me.” Her free hand slipped into her pocket, clutching her wand. She was not defenceless, nor was she a poor shot.
They studied the menu in a stony silence, the only time a word was uttered was a quiet thanks when the waiter poured their water and read the specials. It was a cosy restaurant, dark wood interiors, intimate settings, a stunning crystal chandelier, she was sure she’d seen it in a magazine, they were seated in a quiet corner beside the fire where she could look through the window and see the people about their day. A cloud was threatening overhead, it would burst at any moment.
“Your mother said you should only eat bland food, is it a digestion problem?” He took the wine menu from her hand.
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think I’ll have the steak.” Even if women shouldn’t order steak, she was starving and desperate for some real food.
“But your mother said you shouldn’t eat meat.”
“Then I’ll have water.” Even now she was being controlled, punished for something she hadn’t done. “Broth, soup, whatever.”
“I’m trying to be helpful.”
“It is not my fault Andromeda married him, I’d never even heard of him.” Her eyes closed in defeat, allowing herself a rather dramatic sigh. It’s not like anyone could chide her. “Nothing would have stopped her doing it, it wasn’t that she ate too much or enjoyed food, it wasn’t the books she read, nor was it leaving the house. She just did it.”
“Were you sick, yes or no?” He was so determined to get to the bottom of this, probably as he felt he needed to know everything.
“I’ve been sick for the past few weeks, before that I simply wasn’t allowed to leave the house.” She may as well tell the truth, it wasn’t as bad as the whispers. “If mother can’t punish Andromeda then she’ll punish me in her place, it’s just the way it is.”
“Why don’t you leave?”
“She often takes my wand.” There were many places she could go, but she’d have no wand and mother would cut off her access to the vault before she could blink.
“Why did you tell me?”
“Makes no difference if I did or didn’t.” Maybe she just wanted to tell someone. Even Malfoy.
“I’m getting the steak too, but I’ll get quite a few sides. What else do you want?” Like every unpleasant conversation, he simply moved on. “Don’t stare out the window, it’s like you don’t want to be here.”
Funnily enough, she didn’t.