in every universe, it's always us

by plasterfaces

Summary:

"From that September day, their teachers and peers no longer referred to them by themselves as “Raj” or “Wayne”, but now “Wayne and Raj.”"

AKA. I give Wayne & Raj a backstory and I put rajbow in at the end!

Notes:

again i am a sucker for raj w a single mom.. and he's NOT an only child.

wayne has siblings too i just didnt mention them maybe next time

COMMENT AND KUDO I LOVE THEM

It was one of the last hot days outside in September, which is refreshing from Alberta’s frigid winters. Even though the sun was out and the sound of kids playing filled the playground, Kindergartener Raj was alone picking at an ant hill on the grass. He wasn’t necessarily destroying the hill but he was harassing the ants that would leave their homes by poking them with twigs and flinging them across the grass to see them scurry. He would occasionally look up and see other kids in his grade playing with each other and he seemed interested in joining them but something stopped him from getting up and asking, so he stayed put at his spot on the grass. 

 

Raj hated the whole entire school thing, it seemed useless to him and he honestly wanted to go home. It got tiring after the first three days of school, but now he’s two weeks in and he hates it. Why does he have to get up so early and go to a random place with random people while a random person teaches him when his mom or dad could teach him everything his teacher is teaching him? His parents are twice as smart anyways. His parents had tried explaining it to him, about how they have to go to work, but he would just quiz them on why they couldn’t work as a teacher from home? They had gotten tired of his relentless, repeated questions and sent him on his way without a word more than, “Because I said so.”

 

Thinking about it made him upset and he no longer wanted to play with the ants, who seemed to share the same feelings as him. Raj got up from his spot and began walking to nowhere in particular before he found a lone ball in his path. He hums interested, it’s a soccer ball and the owner seemed to be nowhere in sight, so he snatched it and began tried to dribble it because thats what he sees the older kids doing (blissfully unaware of the difference between basketballs and soccer balls), but it didn’t work and he resorted to kicking the ball against a fence repeatedly. While he was playing, a group of kids came up behind him and tapped his shoulder, looking irritated.

 

“Hey, that’s my ball!” One of the boys cried out, pointing at the blue marker written on it that probably spells his name. Raj shakes his head, though, not wanting to give up his ball and continue to his boring friend ants.

 

“No, it’s my ball. I found it. It’s mine.” He retorts, tucking the ball under his arm awkwardly, the ball being quite big compared to his small torso. The boy cried again, tears welling up.

 

“No! It’s mine! Give it!” He yells at Raj, trying to grab the ball but Raj twists and turns avoiding him. The boy's friends join in grabbing the ball and Raj is overpowered and the ball gets taken and the kids stick their tongues out rudely and walk away as Raj sits on the ground and starts crying. His body shakes as he cries, but his sadness is in vain as no one seems to care, even the recess monitors who seem bored as they sit on some benches on the other side of the playground, far away from the fences, far away from him.

 

Raj angrily rips up grass as he cries before some kid sits down next to him and taps him, he’s blonde and has a missing tooth that is visible as he smiles at him. He’s wearing a red short sleeve shirt that has a photo of a car and some blue jean shorts with worn out sneakers. Raj peeks at him from over his knees, his eyes red and puffy as he sniffles. 

 

“Are you okay?” He asks, his voice is genuine and he stills smiles, he doesn’t feel judged like he usually does when someone catches him crying (which is very often). He sits up, knees still bent, as he wipes his face with his arm, he hums, shrugging.

 

“I have nothing to do!” He wails, tears forming again, “I wanna go home! I don’t wanna be here anymore! No one hangs out with me and I don’t have any toys!” He hides his face again as he sobs, ripping more grass out. The boy beside him whines, unsure of what to do. 

 

“I can play with you! We can be friends. What’s your name?”  The boy asked, tilting his head, smiling at him. Raj lifts his head, tears continue to stream down his face.

 

“Why?” He mumbles, fidgeting with the grass in his hand. The boy hums and shrugs, laughing.

 

“I dunno! I just wanna! So can we? I’m Wayne!” He exclaims, his voice filled with excitement, like he genuinely wants to be his friend. Raj sniffles again as he lifts his head to wipe his eyes and he nods.

 

“Yes I wanna be friends. I’m Rajesh, but uh, everyone calls me Raj.” He mutters, smiling, occasionally looking at Wayne and then back at the ground. Wayne hums, thinking about something.

 

“Well, I’m not like everyone else, I’ll call you something else! Maybe like, uh, Raj..ie? Like Rajie.” He smiles, impressed by his nickname. Raj giggles and hums, thinking of a nickname for Wayne.

 

“Well, I should give you a different name too! Maybe like, uh, Wayner.” He smiles, impressed at himself too. Wayne nods, happy and approving. Wayne reached into his pocket and pulled out a few small toy cars and some miniature people that had no defining features, probably from a thrift store of some sort. He set them out in order, smiling at the organization.

 

“Wanna play?” He asks, pointing at one of the blue cars, and Raj nods enthusiastically. There wasn’t really a set game to play with cars and mini people, so they made their own game of crime fighting until it was time to head back in, which they begrudgingly listened, a little grumpy. They decided to keep playing during class, even when the teacher had told them to put them away, and when the teacher took it from them, they drew their own cars and people and kept playing. 

 

 

---

 

 

From that September day, their teachers and peers no longer referred to them by themselves as “Raj” or “Wayne”, but now “Wayne and Raj.”

It was cold, but their warm puffy snow pants, hats, boots, and jackets covered the harsh cold from hitting them. Second graders Wayne and Raj were playing on some ice on the grass. It had rained earlier that week and a huge puddle formed and it had now froze over, and they took it as an opportunity to slide around on the ice, despite the teachers telling them not to. There were some other kids on the ice, but they were disruptively cutting in front of people, bumping into others, and being loud. They were doing a race to see who would slide around the whole puddle the fastest and they kept slipping and falling.

 

Wayne had almost got to the end before Raj before he heard a loud thump and a series of wails. He turned around to see who it was, laughing at the noise before realizing it was Raj who had fallen down and harshly hit his head. Raj’s hat had fallen off and slid away from him as Raj held his head, crying in pain. Wayne slid over and shoved his way through the kids who were crowding him, and he saw what had happened. Around Raj’s head, there was a small puddle of blood, and Wayne had called one of the recess monitors over. 

 

“Rajie! Are you okay? What happened?” Wayne asked, sitting down on his knees next to Raj as the other lifted his head up, still crying as blood slowly dripped down his face. Raj kept trying to speak, but it was in vain, sobs kept interrupting him. Soon after, a recess monitor had run up to the ice and brought Raj inside as Wayne followed close behind despite her telling him not to. She gave up on trying to get Wayne away as he followed her inside, she knew that the two were inseparable and trying to separate them would be tedious. 

 

She brought Raj to the nurses office and placed him on a paper sheet-covered hard bed, his cries never cease as he kept his hand to his head. The nurse tried to get him to remove his hand but he stubbornly refused, shaking his head. Wayne struggled to climb up on the bed and he sat beside Raj and moved his hand, mumbling things about how he had to. Raj tried to fight but decided to finally listen because Wayne was smarter than the nurse.

 

The nurse examined his head for a little while, and even though Raj knew it didn’t really hurt, he still winced and cried, he would move his body restlessly and kick his legs around. She’d prod at his head and then talk with some of the other nurses before putting a bandage on the bleeding area and rubbing her hands together.

 

“All done! See? It wasn’t so bad, just a tiny cut.” She told him, rubbing his shoulder awkwardly, he frustratedly flipped on his side, facing the wall away from the nurse and Wayne. He was embarrassed, because it was bad. His head hurt. She was saying some things that he didn’t bother listening to before leaving and closing the door. Raj still felt Wayne’s presence behind him, kicking his feet idly off the bed. 

 

“Why are you still here?” He mumbled, before he started randomly panicking, “Uh, not that I don’t appreciate you being here but uh, you can go back to playing outside. If you want.” He corrects himself, his anxious habit of clarifying what he says kicking in. It started a few months before first grade ended, Raj suddenly began getting nervous that he would come across rude or dismissive if he didn’t elaborate on what he meant, he doesn’t know what caused this. It usually only happens to people who he looks up to, like his cool teacher or, of course, Wayne.

Wayne shakes his head and laughs in response, it isn’t one of those laughs that kids at school give them, the mean laugh, but it’s light hearted. Raj flips back to face Wayne, wincing as he accidentally puts his head down too hard on the oddly solid pillow. Wayne, noticing Raj moving, turns his body sideways, a bent knee on the bed while one dangles off, he faces Raj and pulls out two markers from his pocket. He gives one to Raj, it’s purple, while the one Wayne has is a weird neon green color. 

 

“Wanna draw on the paper?” Wayne asks him, pointing to the paper sheet that covers the bed. Raj nods, smiling as he pops the lid off of the marker and begins to doodle random animals and stick figures. They color on their own accord, by themselves but enjoying the company of each other, for a while before Raj makes a sound that alerts Wayne, signaling that he has an idea.

 

“Wanna make a comic together?” Raj asks him, moving himself back on the bed so they have a huge blank area to use. Wayne agrees excitedly, nodding rapidly. They brainstorm ideas for a little bit, having issues deciding on one before Raj talks about a hockey comic. They both decide on making a comic about themselves becoming famous hockey players, doodling themselves as stick figures with hockey pucks and the panels are them gradually becoming more and more famous. Raj draws the present and past panels, of them meeting and starting hockey, which to be fair they haven’t started yet but he needed more panels to draw, while Wayne draws the future panels of them becoming successful and marrying some undefined woman in a big house.

 

That sends Raj on a ramble about the kind of house he wants, he talks about how he wants a big house with a big pool and a hot tub that he can swim in during any season. He also adds that he wants a TV that will play his favorite shows over and over again, without having to do chores or go to school. Wayne adds onto his ramble, saying that they should live together because he also wants a house like that, but then Raj tells him that they have different favorite TV shows, so how would that work? They discuss for a little bit about a show they can agree on before deciding that they would have separate TVs and that seems good enough for them.

 

They got done with their comic and while admiring their work, Raj’s mother walks into the nurses office along with a nurse, who doesn’t seem very pleased with their artwork. She holds back on scolding them, only muttering Please don’t draw on the bed and leaving it at that because a parent is in the room. The boys don’t listen to her, but instead listen to Raj’s mom as she walks over to Raj and picks him up, holding him.

 

“Aw, are you okay sweetheart?” She asks him, kissing his head and rubbing the bandage gently. Raj smiles into his moms hug and wraps his legs around her and his arm around her neck and nods. He wishes his mom was here earlier when his head was still bleeding, because she would’ve been gentler and wouldn’t have made him cry as much as the nurse did, but it’s okay now because she’s here.

 

“I’m okay mommy, I just hit my head on the ice. I’m okay now though!” His voice is energetic, and usually he’d be embarrassed to call his mom “mommy” in front of anyone that isn’t his family, but it’s okay because Wayne calls his mom “mommy” as well, and Wayne would never judge him. “Me and Wayner were ice skating on the ice, n’ then I slipped. It was a lot of fun though!” He rambled a little bit longer about ice skating, not noticing the nurse leaving and closing the door. He only stopped rambling as he felt his mom sit down on the bed next to Wayne, who was adding his own little comments.

 

His mom giggles and Raj enjoys feeling the vibrations of it on his face as he snuggles closer into her, “Did you know I used to play hockey?” She tells them, and Raj doesn’t know if she saw his and Wayne’s comic yet. Raj made a noise that urged her to continue, “I used to be really good at it too, but I ended up quitting after I had your brother, and I never got back into it after he was born.” She tells him, and Raj quietly reprimands his brother because if he wasn’t born, his mom could’ve been a famous hockey player, but then he remembers that he loves his brother, so he’s no longer upset. He decides to vocalize some of these thoughts, smiling as he speaks.

 

“You could’ve been a famous hockey player!” Raj exclaims, tapping his fist excitedly on his moms back, although it’s not rough and he makes sure of it. “You could’ve been on TV and people would wear shirts of your name!” He adds on, rambling about his mother’s success in another universe. Typically, his mother would’ve been upset if she was reminded of what could’ve been, but right now, she smiles and nods, adding on her own comments before Wayne interrupts her on accident.

 

“Just like our comic!” Wayne excitedly moves backwards to show Raj’s mom their comic of them becoming famous. She makes a sound that shows she’s impressed by the boy's handiwork.

 

“You guys are some good artists,” She praises them, smiling at the comic, “I didn’t know you guys were interested in hockey.” She seems genuinely interested, happy that one of her sons might do hockey like she did. Raj ecstatically nods, making noises of joy.

 

“Me and Wayner have been talking about hockey for a long time!” He says, although his definition of a long time is maximum of two weeks, “We wanna be really good at hockey and be a famous duo! Imagine us on TV!” Raj talks fast and excited, but his mom is used to his fast paced speaking and is able to keep up on it. After Wayne and Raj finish their drabble on their newfound hockey obsession, his mom nods in acknowledgement.

 

“Well, if you boys are still interested in hockey by this winter, I can sign Raj up and talk to Wayne’s parents about it..” Her voice is hardly able to contain her own excitement, and it’s obvious that she wants them to pursue hockey, just like she almost did. “Although, Rajie, I would have to talk to dad about it first, of course.” She reminds him, and the nickname makes Wayne smile because he takes pride in knowing that he has made Raj’s family begin using it too. Raj groans, though he hates having to ask his dad about stuff, he usually doesn’t let him do any non-school activities.

 

“But he never lets me do anything.” Raj voices his complaints, dropping his head on his moms shoulder. His mom shrugs and nods, understanding his frustrations.

“No, I know. But I don’t want another little argument about that kind of stuff.” She tells him, referencing an argument that she and his dad had earlier that month about Raj’s brother signing up for basketball without his permission and only his moms. Raj sighs and nods, playing with his moms hair, twisting it and then straightening it out so it doesn’t tangle.

 

“Do you wanna go home?” She asks him, and he nods, his head does hurt quite a bit. Wayne dramatically cries out a complaint.

 

“No, you can’t leave me alone!” Wayne grips onto Raj’s shirt, flailing dramatically. Raj’s mom sighs and thinks, she already took off from work for the day so she doesn’t have to go back that day.

“Well, Wayne, I can message your mom and see if she will let you skip today and come to our house, how about that?” She tells him, “I'll tell her it’s a friday treat.” Wayne celebrates as he nods, watching Raj’s mom pull out her phone and send his mom a message. While they wait for a response, she tells the boys to grab their belongings because they’re probably going to be told to leave soon anyway, and she helps grab Raj’s snow pants.

 

While they walk to their cubbies, which takes them longer than usual because his mom doesn’t really know her way around the school, she gets a response back from Wayne’s mom and it’s a yes. She smiles and waits to tell Wayne until their stuff is put away neatly.

“Well, Wayne, your mom said yes.” She tells him and smiles more as he shakes his hands with joy and grabs his backpack excitedly. “When we get home, do you boys want anything for lunch?” She asks them as they walk out of the building.

“Can we have some tater tots?” Raj asks, walking with his jacket dragging on the ground, which Wayne picks up the end and carries it so it doesn’t hit the sludge when they walk outside.

 

“Sure, I can do that.”

 

 

---

 

 

Now in fourth grade, Raj and Wayne hide under a slide during recess. They told their other friends that they’d play soccer with them but then Wayne decided he had something more important to do— He has a crush. Wayne nervously fidgets with a woodchip on the ground, struggling to tell Raj.

 

“I uh, I like someone..” He tells Raj, and Raj sits up straighter, smiling in excitement for his best friend. Midway through Raj’s celebratory comments, Wayne interrupts him, “I like someone in our class, that uh, that girl, Paisley.” He mumbles, his face turning red. Raj thinks of Paisley, he knows who she is and she has seen Wayne talk to her before. She’s pretty, he guesses. She has pretty long blonde hair, it’s starting to darken but it’s still bright. She has green eyes and a bunch of freckles, and she gets why Wayne would like her.

 

“She’s pretty.” He tells her, and Wayne seems to get a little jealous, “I think you should tell her!” He adds on quickly, making sure Wayne knows that Raj isn’t interested in her. Wayne shrugs and bites his cheek.

 

“Do you think she’d like me?” He mutters, insecure as he runs his fingers through his hair. Raj laughs lightheartedly and nods.

 

“Of course! Who wouldn’t like you? You’re amazing!” Raj hypes him up, telling him that he’s very funny and good at science, and that’s what girls like, probably. He doesn’t really know what girls like aside from looks, and Wayne isn’t ugly, so that checks all the boxes he knows of. Wayne shrugs before humming and eyeing Raj, up and down.

 

“What about you? Do you like anyone?” He quizzically asks him, raising a brow. Raj hums and shakes his head, mumbling a no. Wayne doesn’t seem convinced at all, “C’mon! You’re lying! There has to be someone! You can tell me, I’m your best friend!” Wayne pushes him unknowingly, and Raj diverts his eyes. He really doesn’t know, like yeah he’s found people attractive but not like Wayne! Wayne finds girls like Paisley attractive, but Raj can’t find a girl attractive yet. He goes through a list of girls in his class and picks a random one.

 

“I like, uh, Sophia.” He tells him, although his sentence is a little broken and sounds unconvincing, Wayne takes it and nods excitedly. Sophia and Paisley are friends, so that’s probably why Wayne is so excited. Wayne talks about how they could have playdates together because they’re friends, and how much fun it would be. It sounds fun in hindsight, sure, but he doesn’t want to hang out with Paisley and Sophia, he only wants to hang out with Wayne.

 

“Imagine! Us four having a playdate together and playing games! You should also tell Sophia! I bet she likes you too!” He encourages Raj, “We could ask them together!” He adds on, getting increasingly more excited. Raj tries to decline but Wayne is already getting up and leaving the underside of the slide, and Raj has no choice but to follow. He grows more anxious as they approach the two girls, and he nervously picks at loose skin by his nails.

 

Wayne calls their names as they walk closer to them, they’re playing some game with their other friends, it seems like a roleplay game. Raj looks at the ground nervous after noticing all the other girls looking at them curiously, like they’re wild animals. The two girls walk up to them, confused.

 

“Hi Wayne and Raj! What’s up?” Paisley asks them, her voice is soothing, Raj can give her that. It’s nice to hear, but it doesn’t soothe his nerves enough.

 

“Uh, Rajie and I wanted to tell you guys something..” He tells them, quietly admiring himself for saying Rajie and I after their teacher told them earlier that day that it was the proper way to say it, before becoming nervous himself. Paisley waits patiently for a response while Sophia shifts impatiently.

 

“Well, I uh, I like you..” He mumbles out, waiting for Raj to add his own comment but he freezes up so Wayne does it for him, “and Raj likes Sophia.” He says that part more confidently, and the girls are shocked but smiling and giggling. Raj’s stomach twists and turns, he can't tell if they’re happy or laughing at them, but Wayne is smiling as well, so it must be good.

 

Sophia seems more happy then Paisley, though. She giggles and runs up to Raj and hugs him, and it takes him by surprise as he awkwardly hugs back. “I like you too!” She tells Raj, pulling herself away from the hug and smiling at him, and Raj smiles back because he likes seeing someone happy, but he also feels bad.

 

Wayne seems to wait for Paisley’s response, but she frowns a little, “I’m sorry Wayne..” She starts and Wayne’s face falls, frowning and looking away, “I don’t like you, but you’re a very nice friend! I enjoy your company! I’m sorry..” She mumbles, walking away quickly afterwards and hiding herself, and Wayne runs away upset. Sophia seems conflicted on whether to stay by Raj or go to Paisley, so she asks Raj.

 

“Do you wanna hang out with me and my friends?” She asks him and Raj shakes his head, realizing he hasn’t actually said anything yet.

 

“Uh, no, I should go by uh, Wayne..” He tells her, walking backwards and quickly waving bye before running to find Wayne. He spots Wayne hiding behind a tree and crying into his knees, Raj frowns and sits beside him.

 

“Girls are stupid, don’t worry about it.” Raj tries to comfort him, but Wayne continues crying, ignoring Raj. He sighs, “I won't hang out or talk to Sophia if it makes you feel better.” He tells him and Wayne shakes his head, looking up.

 

“No, if you like her you should keep talking to her. It wouldn’t be fair if I made you ditch her.” His voice croaks, and Raj shrugs, seemingly unbothered.

 

“I dunno, like I said, girls are stupid. I don’t really care, you’re my best friend so you come first.” Raj smiles, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Wayne laughs, wiping his face.

 

“Really?” His voice cracks, “You like me more than her?” He asks, and Raj laughs awkwardly because the way he phrased it makes his stomach twist, because no, he wouldn’t like a boy more than a girl, but again, Wayne didn’t mean it like that and he’s just weird.

 

“Of course! You’re my best friend!” Raj confidently tells him, Wayne smiles, still hunched over and rubbing dirt off of his yellow sneakers. They sit in comfortable silence for a little while, fidgeting with the dirt and the dirt on their shoes, before Wayne pulls out a marker. Raj doesn’t know what Wayne keeps in his pockets, but it’s usually useful and he appreciates it.

 

Wayne doodles pucks and hockey sticks on Raj’s shoes and Raj doodles the same thing along with cats on Wayne’s. After seeing the cats, Wayne doodles dogs on Raj’s shoes, because Wayne likes dogs more than cats, while Raj likes cats more than dogs. They smile at their shoes, all customized by their best friend. 

 

“I like it.” Raj tells him, looking at his shoes with enjoyment. Wayne hums, “I like mine, too.” He smiles, before gasping and grabbing one of Raj’s shoes, turning his foot to the side so he can write on the weird bumpy part of his shoes. On the edge, he writes Wayne’s Best Friend :) and Raj smiles and shakes his hands up and down with glee before grabbing Wayne’s shoe’s and writing Raj’s Best Friend :) on the same place where Wayne wrote his.

 

“Now everyone will know!” Raj smiles, “That you’re my best friend.” He tells him, standing up as the recess monitor calls everyone inside. Wayne throws an arm around Raj’s shoulder, Raj doing the same thing.

 

“You’re my best friend, too!” Wayne smiles, as if he didn’t already know, and they walk inside together.

Raj sits idly on his bed, kicking his feet back and forth, half listening to whatever Wayne is saying. They’re in fifth grade now, yet Raj is starting the school year off rough. Over the past years, his parents have been fighting frequently, and it’s been super disruptive. He should’ve seen it coming in hindsight, that their marriage was slowly falling apart, but he decided to turn his eyes away and ignore it. But now, his parents are divorcing, and his brother is graduating this year and going off to college.

 

He wasn’t directly told that his parents were divorcing, but he can connect the dots. He’s seen the paperwork lying around, his parents arguing frequently is a sign, and he just knows. They don’t act the way they used to anymore, they don’t cuddle or kiss anymore, and it’s obvious they no longer love each other. He frowns thinking about it, and Wayne notices.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks, his voice is genuine and comforting. Raj sighs and shrugs, shaking his head.

 

“I think my parents are divorcing.” He mutters quietly, fidgeting with his sleeve anxiously. Wayne pauses to think, he doesn’t know what to say— his parents are happy, and they love each other, so he can’t relate to Raj.

 

“Who do you think you’re staying with?” Wayne asks him, idly messing with the blanket. It’s quiet for a little bit longer, the only sounds being the fan circulating air around the awkward room. Raj sighs, shrugging.

 

“I don’t know, really.” He mumbles, thinking of what his life would be like with each parent. He thinks of his dad first, how that would be like. His dad is cautious, he likes to keep things in order— he really likes organization, he runs by a schedule, and he doesn’t like spending money on useless things; his dad was originally opposed to Raj joining hockey because he was certain that Raj wouldn’t do it for awhile, basing this belief off of his older brother who has gone through several hobbies. 

 

Then, he thinks about his mom. His mother is a lot like him, she’s competitive, messy, a little vulgar, and chaotic. She was always the first one to let Raj and his brother do activities, having a lot of faith in them, yet always being the first one to get mad or disappointed when they would drop it after a short period of time. She is a spender, a little bit of an issue, but it’s livable. Raj doesn’t really know how his parents got together, maybe some opposites attract thing, but it’s obviously not working. It was never made to last. Love never really is a stable thing, Raj thinks.

 

The kids at school get together all the time just to fall out a few weeks later, and he complained about it to his dad but all he said was That’s just love. Is it really? Because it seems pointless, then. It isn’t only the kids at school, his brother had a girlfriend that he was dating for a year or so but then they broke up a few months ago, and it’s just a lot of wasted time. Raj cannot fathom having to spend that much time with a girl just for her to leave.

 

Wayne hums before his face drops, “Do you know if any of them are planning on moving?” His voice is quiet, as if he’s scared that if he speaks loud enough, it will come true. Raj freezes, he hadn’t thought about that at all. Would they move to a different city if they moved? A different country? He can’t leave Alberta, he has Wayne here and he can’t leave Wayne. Raj feels his eyes water before he starts crying, he can’t leave. Wayne tries to comfort him but falls victim to sobbing as well, Raj is influential like that.

 

Wayne doesn’t want to lose Raj either— he’s his best bud, he’s supposed to become famous with him! He won't let Raj’s parents take him away, no way. He has to get Raj out of this, because without Raj, what is he? Just Wayne? That isn’t right, it’s messed up. They’re a duo, they’re meant to be. A soulmate, maybe. Wayne wipes his face before smiling to Raj, he has an idea.

 

“Look, how, uh, how about we pack some stuff up.” He tells him, Raj stops crying and gives him a confused look, “You can hide in my house. If you’re gone, you can’t leave, and either you stay here and live with me or they’re forced to stay in Alberta and you can go back home and we can still be together.” Wayne explains, feeling pretty proud of his plan. It’s practically foolproof.

 

Raj gives a toothy grin, his gaps noticeable from the last of his baby teeth falling out a few weeks prior, “That’s brilliant!” He jumps off of his bed and grabs an old backpack, it’s his brothers old seventh grade backpack that Raj uses on roadtrips, and he starts filling it with miscellaneous items; toys, comic books, favorite clothes, sentimental things, cool objects, and a photo of him with his family from a few years back. Wayne helps him pack some things too until the backpack is heavy and bulging, with struggles of closing it.

 

When they zip it, Raj and Wayne get ready to start their journey to Wayne’s house, which is fairly close. Several blocks away but it’s walking distance, and they don’t have another choice. They put their sweatshirts on to brace for the mildly cold fall weather and their fashionable sneakers and quietly walk downstairs, trying to avoid Raj’s parents who were (failing to) argue quietly. They snuck out the back door and began their walk to Wayne’s house, the air biting their cheeks and turning them red.

 

On the way to the house, Wayne kept making random turns, even though Raj was sure it was a straight walk, but Wayne told him that he knew his way there better. Raj silently obeyed, walking wherever Wayne took him, because anywhere is better than home where he could possibly be separated forever from Wayne. The walk would’ve taken thirty minutes max, but now it was a few hours and they were completely lost in some random neighborhood, although Raj recognized an intersection that was a few blocks away but he didn’t know it well enough to walk to Wayne’s house.

 

Raj sniffed, “Wayne, we’re lost! You got us lost!” His voice is high and upset, and usually he wouldn’t care so much to be lost if it didn’t mean that Raj could be found and be taken back home and might leave forever. Wayne huffed, crossing his arms and shaking his head.

 

“No! I swear, I uh, I know this area!” Wayne tells him, but his voice is shaky and laced with anxiety, the dark of the night soon approaching. Raj wails, sitting on the ground and crying, slipping his heavy backpack off.

 

“You were supposed to take us to your house! I don’t know where we are and if my parents find me they’ll be mad and I’ll definitely be sent somewhere else!” He cries out, his body shaking with his sobs, not caring for any passing cars that sees him. Wayne gets frustrated, unable to think of something to say, so he stomps a little before falling into a tantrum, kicking the ground.

 

“Well, it’s not my fault! I was trying to be nice! You were the one who wanted to not leave Alberta!” He angrily spoke, even though he knows it is his fault and it’s unfair to make Raj feel bad, his face quickly filling with guilt as Raj begins to cry more and apologies, as well as shocking him because Raj usually argues back. Wayne sighs and sits next to him and wraps his arms around him and hugs him.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that. I should’ve listened to you earlier.” He apologizes, and Raj obviously hugs back because he’s sad and cold. They pull away as Raj rubs his face, his face all red and puffy, both from the cold and the tears.

 

“What should we do?” Raj dejectedly asks, looking at the sun setting. Wayne shrugs, brushing some gravel and dirt off of his pants. “I guess we just wait here, someones gotta find us. We can’t be too far from home, we’re kind of slow.” Wayne tells him, smiling at the end, and Raj smiles back because Wayne is funny. They sit, talking in quiet voices as the sun sets and no one finds them. Raj becomes restless, telling Wayne that they should walk somewhere but Wayne shakes his head, very keen on staying put.

 

“If we stay, someone will find us. If we keep moving, we might be moving away from them.” Wayne tells him, his teeth chattering as the cold night air sets in, Raj shivers violently, his thin sweater no longer helping. Raj whines, leaning into Wayne for warmth, talking about how he thinks he’s going to die. Wayne doesn’t entertain that idea.

 

It’s pretty late outside when a car parks in front of them, snapping them out of their daydreams. Someone walks out of the car, and at first they can't see who it is but as they get closer and they can hear the voice better, it’s obvious— it’s Wayne’s mom. She runs up to them, hugging both of them and ushering into the car, both reprimanding them and thanking them for being safe. 

 

Raj and Wayne ball up in the back seat, and in the passenger seat is Wayne’s dad. He clears his throat, “Now, why are you boys out in the dark? Do you know how worried we were? How worried Raj’s parents were?” His voice is gruff, it’s mean but Raj knows Wayne’s dad well enough to know that it’s just how he talks and there’s no actual malice, just fear. Wayne tries to come up with an excuse, not wanting to rat Raj out but they’re not buying it.

 

Raj sighs, frowning, “We were trying to go to your house because I’m scared that when my parent’s divorce, I’ll be forced to move somewhere else and I won’t see Wayne again.” His voice is tired, “If I hid in your house, I won’t have to move and I can stay here. But we got lost on the way, and so we stayed put.” He sniffles, his stomach rumbling. Wayne’s parents mumble something to each other before Wayne’s mom speaks.

 

“Who told you that your parents are divorcing?” She asks, her voice is calm and it eases Raj’s nerves a little. He shrugs, “I dunno, just found out I guess.” He mumbles, not having an explanation. Wayne’s dad sighs, shaking his head.

 

“Well, kiddo, it’s not guaranteed that you’re moving out of Alberta, you know. If they do divorce, they’ll probably, uh, want you to visit both of them every so often, and if one of them moves too far, it’d be too hard.” He tries to explain in a way that Raj wouldn’t be afraid, but anything of change makes him afraid, he sniffles again.

 

“What if none of them want me?” His voice is quiet and insecure, he rubs the dirt on his knuckles anxiously. They both laugh, but it isn’t mockingly or dismissive, it’s a sad laugh kind of. It makes Raj feel pitied.

 

“No, no sweetheart. Of course your parents want you; a child is a parent’s greatest gift. Divorce is sticky and messy, but at the end of the day, they want what is best for you. You should talk to your parents about it, okay?” She tells him, and Raj realizes that they’re driving to his house and he panics.

 

“No! You can't take me home! What if they make me move!” He felt his eyes water for probably the billionth time that day, his lip quivering. Wayne’s parents try to reason with him but he starts crying in the backseat despite their efforts, not listening to a thing they’re saying because right now, Wayne’s parents are some of the evilest people he knows. When the car parks outside of his house, Wayne’s dad has to physically carry him into the house as he’s crying. 

 

His parents are instantly alerted to the noise and rush to the door, his mom going to pick his Raj immediately, holding him in her arms. She rubs his head, shushing him but to no avail, his cries are still loud and he’s still extremely upset. 

 

“What happened?” She asked, panicked and upset. She hugs Raj even tighter, hoping it would make him feel better but it does not. Wayne’s dad sighs, explaining the situation to her that Raj tries to block out. Wayne is trying to get Raj to calm down too, trying to tug on his shirt to look at him but it doesn’t work. Once Wayne’s dad is done explaining, she sighs. “Alright, I’ll talk to him.” She turns her attention to Raj and mumbles " Let's go to him, which is a silent cue for Wayne and his family to leave.

 

Raj notices Wayne leaving and cries out, “No no, I don’t want Wayne to go.” He sobs, trying to free himself from his mothers grasp but it does not work. She tries to reason with him, but he does not listen. Eventually, she gives up and asks Wayne’s parents if Wayne could sleepover to make Raj feel better, and they reluctantly agree, leaving shortly after. Raj’s mom walks over to the couch and places him down, Wayne climbing up to sit next to him, holding Raj’s sleeve. 

 

She sighs, “Look, Raj, I don’t know how you found out about it but, yes. Your father and I are, sadly, divorcing.” She tells him and Raj sniffles, and even though he knows, it still stings, “But, I don’t want you guys to. That isn’t fair.” He hiccups and she nods, frowning, trying to find the words to explain it, “I mean, do you guys still even want me?” He asks, his voice as insecure as it was in the car.

 

Raj’s mom pauses for a moment before violently shaking her head and scooting over to pull him in for another hug, “Oh sweetheart, of course I do. You’re my little man, you know that, right? I want you— Your father and I both want you, obviously we do.” She rubs his head, and Raj sniffles and shrugs, hugging her back. She pulls away after a few moments, rubbing his head.

 

“I know it’s hard, Raj, but it won’t be that bad, alright?” She tells him, and Raj whines, “But, what if we move? Who will I be staying with?” He questions, shaking and his lip quivering again but he doesn’t have the energy to cry again. She thinks before shrugging, but she smiles, “I don’t know, but I know you won’t be moving, okay? Your father and I are still working on those specifics, because we both want you, obviously.” She tells him, but Raj sighs.

 

“I want to be with you, though. You let me play hockey, what if dad doesn’t?” He questions, and she shrugs, “This will be figured out later, and your hockey will be fine.” She assures him and he smiles, “I’ll still be with Wayne?” He asks his final question, and she laughs and it makes Raj and Wayne giggle.

 

“Of course you will.” She tells them, and they high five.

 

 

---

 

 

Seventh grade rolls around and they’re comfortable in middle school, they have a title for themselves, most people know them, and they’re doing pretty damn good at hockey. The teachers, shortly after the first month of sixth grade, learned that Wayne and Raj were a duo, almost completely inseparable, and while it was annoying at first, it’s now normal. They have almost all classes together besides different math classes and English classes, as Raj isn’t that good at math and Wayne isn’t that good at english. Other than that, they share their classes and it’s nice.

 

This year, Wayne joined the student council after a girl he has a crush on did, and so Raj followed. Wayne and Raj helped set up an autumn formal— basically homecoming but for middle schoolers. Neither of them are good at planning, especially Raj, so he usually sat out and just added his two cents. Unfortunately, the student council president— aka the history teacher— had threatened to kick them both out if they didn’t start physically helping.

 

Raj started to help with decorations, making stars and planets to fit their space theme while Wayne helped with planning, volunteers, and ticket situations. It was clear that Wayne was more of a help, but it didn’t matter to Raj as student council wasn’t really his thing, like, yeah, he cared about school spirit but he doesn’t want to be in control of it. Although, Raj does really like people coming to him when they have questions about spirit weeks and such, it makes him feel important. 

 

While Raj was sitting on the art room floor sketching out planets, he thinks this one is mars. Some girl comes up to him and sits next to him, cutting out her own pluto. She has long brown hair with bangs, she’s lanky, wears glasses, and she wears a sweater with some worn out jeans. He doesn’t think much of it, despite there being a lot of open areas, maybe she likes being around people. They work in comfortable silence before she clears her throat, her voice is nervous, “So, are you excited for the, uh, Autumn Formal?” She asks, nervous and pushing her classes up.

 

Raj grins to her, showing off his braces, “Oh, forsure. I liked last year's Hollywood theme but I wish I paid attention to the date because I didn’t have a good outfit.” He rambles, and she listens patiently, and she nods, “I also liked last year. I don’t think I saw you at the student council last year?” She asks and he nods.

 

“Oh yeah, I joined this year, eh. Wayner wanted to so I was like, why not? Ya’know?” He tells her and she smiles, “Mhm, I joined last year because my friend joined. It’s fun because I have an excuse to do art.” He looks at her pluto, and it’s very well cut out. His eyes go to her other planets and they’re far more better than his, he frowns a little.

 

“Ah, I guess. I’m not so good at art, obviously. You’re way better!” He tells her with a big smile, and she giggles. “Well, I can help you with cutting the planets out, yours look a little shaky.” She tells him and guides his hand to cutting it out pretty well and then she volunteers to color it in for him as long as he keeps cutting out planets, saying it will go faster.

 

It was a good routine they had, whenever he’d walk into the art room, she’d tell him to sketch and cut something out, like stars, milky ways, and other space things and then she’d color them in for him. He had learned her name, it was Mary-Anne, and he thinks it was very suitable for her. A few weeks pass and it’s almost time for the Autumn Formal, and Wayne has been able to score a date to the dance with the girl he joined student council for— Raj thinks her name is Teagan. He and Wayne were hyping up the student council as they put the last finishing touches on the plans and decorations. When they were officially done and had two days to spare, Wayne and Raj celebrated by roughhousing in the gymnasium as the student council president pulled them apart. 

 

It was the end of the day before the Autumn Formal when Mary-Anne stopped him after school in the school front yard with a garden that was almost dead, “Uh, Raj— wait, please.” She ran up to him, holding a folded up piece of paper in her hand, and Raj stopped and was about to ask what it was when she opened it up for him. The paper was a neat picture of space, a bunch of planets and stars, and it read Will You Go To Autumn Formal With Me? I’ll Be Beyond Happy! And Beyond had a bunch of stars and planets in every circle. 

 

Raj found it endearing but he didn’t like her like that, and he’s learning to know why. He doesn’t really want to admit it to himself, but he already has eyes on someone else, someone that isn’t Mary-Anne. But he can’t tell her, especially with Wayne cheering him on, and people starting to look, he wouldn’t want to embarrass her. So, he says yes, even if she isn’t the person he has a crush on, but it wouldn’t matter anyway, because his crush isn’t right and he should fix it anyway. Mary-Anne is a very pretty girl as well, maybe he’ll grow feelings for her in the future. He smiles.

 

“Uh, sure! I would, uh, love to!” He nervously tells her and he’s afraid she’ll be mad at him for being unsure, or sounding unsure, but she just smiles and giggles. She jumps a little and the people scurry off soon after, besides Wayne of course. She walks with them to the bus stop, telling Raj about how excited she is for the dance and how this is her first date ever, and he feels bad— he doesn’t want to be responsible for a bad date, he doesn’t even like her.

 

Nonetheless, he rushes his mom to get matching outfits with her later that day, silently cursing Mary-Anne for asking on such a short notice because his mom wasn’t very happy, but she did it anyway because my little guy is in love! It just makes him feel even worse, but he keeps his mouth shut, even at the photos his mom takes of him and Mary-Anne (there’s a photo of him and Mary-Anne with Wayne and Teagan), and he’s quiet on the car ride there, and unfortunately he has to talk once they walk into the gymnasium for the dance.

 

Mary-Anne drags Raj to her friends while Wayne drags Teagan to his, Raj’s smile falls a little but he doesn’t want to make her upset, so he quickly fixes it once he faces her friends. They’re all very nice, they compliment him, and they help fix his hair in the girls bathroom— which drove Raj insanely nervous that a teacher or someone would walk in and yell at him, but no one did. The girls asked him relentless questions about boys on the hockey team, not at all hiding their crushes, and then they praised Mary-Anne for being able to “score one” and it should’ve been an ego boost but it made him feel even worse.

 

He has to admit, they were pretty fun to hang out with and he enjoyed hearing some gossip about other people, not really being into drama that circulates at his school. He even adds in his own two cents and finds himself gossiping about people, and it’s a new thing— sure, he’s ‘gossiped’ with Wayne before, but that’s normal! He and Wayne talk about people all the time, give each other side eyes, and they basically do everything that everyone else does, but this is new because they aren’t Wayne.

 

He starts to miss Wayne and asks Mary-Anne if he can go by him soon, but all she says is soon and doesn’t elaborate. Raj is horrible at knowing cues like that, when is soon? In five, ten or fifteen minutes? He asks her a few more times, she gets increasingly more irritated and tells him to just wait a little longer and he knows that tone from his parents, relatives, and friends so he just shuts up. He gets restless but the fear of ruining everything stops him from asking again, and soon enough, the dance is over and he doesn't talk to Raj once.

 

Mary-Anne asks Raj’s mom if he can sleepover, and before Raj can decline, his mom says yes for him and asks if they need a ride there to which she says yes. The car ride is awkward for Raj, but not for those two, they chat a lot and before Raj leaves the car, his mom tells him that he better treat her well.

 

He gets to her house and they instantly go upstairs where she shows Raj all of her stuff, but Raj just wants to go home. He lies on her bed, bored, but she rambles on and on about stuff, and he feels bad for feeling bored because she has sat through all of his rambles before and he’s being a jerk about it, but he’s so bored that it doesn’t matter. He watches whatever video she puts on, but she’s talking to him at the same time and he doesn’t know what to pay attention to, but he thinks its better to listen to her, so he looks at her and tries his best to listen.

 

It gets late, almost eleven, and he wants to go to sleep but she wants to stay up, she convinces him to pull an all-nighter but Raj knows he’s going to fall asleep anyway. He tiredly watches some video on the TV before Mary-Anne taps his shoulder and he turns to her, she’s nervous and blushing, putting a hand on his cheek and pulls in to kiss him.

 

Raj had never been kissed before, so it shocks him and he doesn’t pull away nor kiss back, which makes her upset, “Why did you not kiss back?” She asks him after pulling away, and too tired to make up some excuse, he says, “Because I don’t want to. Sorry.” He tells her and she frowns, becoming more upset.

 

“But why? I thought you liked me!” Her voice squeaks and he looks down, away from her eyes, but he can feel them anyway, “I do! I just, I, uh, I don’t want to! I’m sorry.” He tells him, pulling thread from his suit that he’s still wearing. She gets angry and leaves the room, and he goes to find her but she’s in the bathroom. He knocks on the door, apologizing, but all she does is tell him to go away, so he messages his mom to pick him up and she does.

 

He doesn’t tell his mom much besides that she was upset by something and wanted him to go home, afraid that his mom would be mad about the kiss, or the lack of kiss. She tiredly nods, not really caring and just too tired. He feels bad for waking his mom up, but he couldn’t stay there, so he apologizes to his mom and when they go home, he goes straight to bed.

 

When he got up the next morning, he was getting changed to go to Wayne’s when he got a message from Mary-Anne, and she was angry. She was yelling at him for leaving, but he was confused and asked her what she meant. On the walk to Wayne’s house, they kept arguing until he got to the house, where he asked Wayne for his input. They go up to his room as they brainstorm responses, but it ends with Mary-Anne blocking him.

 

Wayne messages Teagan about it, and she tells Raj that he should’ve waited until Mary-Anne was done in the bathroom and if she wanted to talk afterward, she was rude about it though when explaining it, ending the message with do you even like girls? It made Raj feel sick to his stomach because he promises he will soon, but he doesn’t say that, instead, Wayne asks him if he wants to play Roblox.

 

He doesn’t have to worry about girls for now, all he has to worry about is beating Wayne and PVP games.

Freshman year is far more difficult for Raj, it’s becoming more insufferable to pretend to not like boys. It’s not like he can tell anyone. He’s thought about coming out a surplus of times, but he can’t, he knows what people think about queer people here, I mean, it’s fucking Alberta. He’s heard things people say, especially at school, and his relatives. He doesn’t really wanna risk anything, he can fix it himself anyway. He’s read stories online of people being able to change themselves, it’s possible, but he just needs to put effort into it.

 

 

---

 

 

He sits at his science table, bored. He doesn’t share this class with Wayne sadly, he went to some other science class, and he thinks it’s Botany. Since he doesn’t have Wayne, he sits with some of his kinda-friends. He doesn’t talk to them outside of science but it’ll do, and he isn’t very interested in their conversation. They’re talking about some girls they met at their last hangout, and usually, he’d feel excluded but he doesn’t invite them anywhere either.

 

Raj shuffles in his seat, extremely bored, before one of them turns to him and goes, “Hey, Rajie,” One of them asks, and Raj kind of glooms at the nickname, he still likes it but people use it all the time now because Wayne says it, “do you like anyone yet?” He asks, he and his friends adding in small comments about how immature the question sounds. Raj shakes his head, muttering a no, but the boy is displeased and doesn’t believe him. 

 

“I know we’re not super close but there’s gotta be someone. I mean, I know some girls like you.” He tells him, and Raj interest peaks, not because he likes anyone but because he likes knowing someone likes him. It’s weird, it’s kind of egotistical but he can’t help it. “Who?” He asks, setting down a pencil he was fidgeting with. The boy grins and laughs.

 

“Well, one of them is Mars.” He tells him, and Raj thinks about her, hoping he catches feelings for her. Mars has black curly hair, dark skin, wears extensions, she dresses kind of emo-ish with emo band tees, and she’s in a band. Raj knows she’s pretty, it’s obvious. He’s kind of mad and jealous that he doesn’t like her back, it’s not fair. He wishes so hard because if he wishes enough, maybe it will come true.

 

“She’s pretty, but I dunno.” He shrugs, and the boys make o’s that draw the attention of some other classmates. He gets a little embarrassed and turns his head back to the table, picking his pencil up, and scribbling stuff into the desk. They make some comments about Mars, both objectifying and mean, but Raj only half listens because he really doesn’t want to be in the conversation anymore. Another boy taps Raj’s shoulder.

 

“Well, I also know Camila likes you.” He states, trying to seem nonchalant but Raj knows he wants a response. Camila has straight brown hair, is hispanic, she wears braces, is a junior, and is on the cheer team. She’s nice, Raj worked on a project with her earlier this semester. Raj shrugs again, it’s pretty nice to know some popular kids like him, especially a junior. The boys make jokes before one of them gasps.

 

“Oh my god, Raj,” He says, importantly enough that Raj turns his head to him, “you should totally ask her to prom. Since she’s a junior, she’s able to go to prom, I bet she’d be glad you asked her and you can go to prom before anyone else.” He tries to convince him, and it makes him embarrassed enough to agree to it because anyone else wouldn’t need convincing to go out with one of the more popular girls at school.

 

“Uh, sure. I can try to do that.” He mumbles, adding in a few comments about how she's very pretty to make it seem normal, like he likes her. They all celebrate, loudly disrupting the class and the teacher has to yell at them to stop. Prom is in three months , Raj thinks, I have three months.

 

Those three months fly by pretty quickly and he has yet to ask her, he was subconsciously hoping that Camila would get into a relationship throughout those three months, but she never did. Now, all of his friends are harassing him, even Wayne, but he’s more calm about it and he just thinks Raj is nervous and always tells him but you don’t have to if you’re too scared and it makes Raj feel better, but he has to, otherwise he looks gay.

 

So, he had help from some of his girl friends to make a good prom poster because he doesn’t know what girls like. One of his friends, Carmen, had stalked Camila’s social media so they could formulate the best prom poster. Carmen found out Camila loves Radiohead, so they decided to go with that, but it could be a hit or miss. Raj sketched out an idea and his friends had drawn it and finalized it to make it pretty.

 

He nervously waited outside of the school for Camila, who he made sure to talk to a little bit more before he asked her out so it wouldn’t be so sudden, to come out. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous, why he’s sweating so much, he doesn’t even like her. Maybe it’s because all of his friends are watching him, and his classmates too. Maybe it’s because he much rather takes a different junior to prom, someone on his hockey team, but he can’t. Because the “someone” is a boy, and that’s not allowed.

 

He sees Camila walk out of the school, messaging on her phone, and Raj has to force out words, “Uh, Camila, Camila! Uh, Hi.” He tells her after getting her attention and nervously unfolds the paper, holding it out for her to see, his hands nervously shaking. This gets attention from a lot of other kids, including Camila’s friends who are whispering something. For a second, Raj thinks that Camila lost feelings for him and he made a total fool of himself and he’s about to insecurely fold it back up, apologize, and run away.

 

But, Camila smiles wide and runs up to him, hugging him and crumpling the paper in the process. She’s saying words that equate to yes, and she sounds excited so he’s happy. Thank God he thinks as he awkwardly hugs her back. They walk together until they reach Camila’s car where he can see Camila excitedly telling her mom something before he walks off to find Wayne and go to the bus stop. 

 

Eventually, he finds out Wayne was at the bus stop the whole time and nearly misses the bus looking for him. He sits next to Wayne, who smiles knowingly, he looks proud. It destroys Raj a little bit, would Wayne be proud if he was gay? It’s not even an “if” question, would Wayne be proud that he is gay? He doesn’t know if he wants to know the answer to that question, it’s horrifying to think about, so instead, he plays along with this role he assigned himself of being a girl-obsessed boy and talks about Camila.

 

“Camila said yes, but I think you already knew that.” He tells Wayne, smiling. Wayne excitedly nods, talking about how he saw it and how it’s all over Snapchat, “On the walk to her car, we were talking about matching outfits, so I think you should go shopping with me this weekend so I can find a rental.” He tells him, and Wayne nods before asking what a rental is and Raj has to pull out google for a good definition.

 

It’s Saturday and his mom drops them off at a rental area, telling Raj to pick carefully and for the love of God, don’t ruin it , Raj dismisses her and runs inside with Wayne. Camila is wearing a pink dress, and Wayne asks Raj if he really wants to wear a pink suit and he was about to say no but he remembers his friends (well, his girl friends) telling him that it would ruin her experience if he didn’t do pink, so he said yes. It’s fine, though, because wearing a pink suit isn’t gay because he’s going with a girl and he’s straight.

 

He doesn’t know exactly what her dress looks like, only that it’s pink and that she sent him the exact shade of pink, so he tries his best to find something that would compliment it, calling up his friends to give their opinions because neither of them know anything about fashion. They tell him to pick this one suit that’s white and pink, and Raj is okay with it because it’s mostly white anyway.

 

He goes to check it out, feeling giddy because he’s going to prom and he loves dancing, but his mood sours a little knowing he has to spend it with some girl he has to pretend to like. He feels guilty, talking about Camila that way, but he can’t help it. Wayne is talking ecstatically on the way back to his house, about how excited he is to see Raj go to prom, and his mom adds his two cents too.

 

The day of prom, Raj goes home after school and showers immediately, putting on some good smelling shampoo and conditioner. He changes into his suit and spritzes some cologne on, and he has to go downstairs to ask his mom for help with his tie. He goes outside to meet Camila, whose mother is driving them there, and his mom asks for photos. It takes awhile for Raj’s mom and Camila’s parents to take photos of them, then their parents talk for a while until Camila tells them that they have twenty minutes left, and thats when they leave.

 

They get to prom and a bunch of Camila’s friends greet them and only a few of Raj’s, considering he only has two junior friends and one senior friend. Raj goes to hang out with Camila’s friends because his own friends walk off quickly after greeting him, not really caring afterwards. Camila’s friends remind him a lot of Mary-Anne’s friends from sixth grade, it’s like a wave of nostalgia, except this time, Camila’s friends are a lot more mean and a lot more mature.

 

He finds trouble relating to them, they talk about jobs and driving, and the cars they hope their parents get, while Raj had turned old enough just five months ago to get a work permit. He doesn’t have a job despite that, he wants to focus on hockey because he wants to be captain some day, and he can’t drive yet even though he wants to. He tries relating, saying that his mom lets him drive around abandoned lots sometimes but they kinda laugh at him like a child and tell him wait until you’re 16, it gets harder and things similar.

 

He kind of hangs off of Camila like an ornament, some piece of decoration. Raj doesn’t complain but it reminds him about how nothing really changes, because it’s the same situation a lot of the time. When he hangs out with Wayne, people see Raj as an extension, and it sucks because it isn’t his fault that Wayne is more social (or well, socially unaware). He tries not to pout, idly sipping on his soda, half listening to whatever they ramble about.

 

They finally move onto a topic he knows a lot about but it isn’t for him, they talk about boys. Some of Camila’s friends are single and talk about their crushes and how they’re at prom right now, and how they regret not asking them out but definitely next year , and Raj can relate, but he also can't, because he isn’t a girl and he isn’t allowed to ask a guy to prom. He isn’t allowed to do prom posters for the boy on his hockey team, and a part of him tells him it’s unfair, but another part of him, the part he listens to, tells him it’s just life.

 

One of her friends, Adeline, complains about how the boy she likes is dating someone else, and how it’s so unfair that she can’t be him. She goes on about how she wants to date him and an uneasy feeling sits in his stomach, something like disgust and understanding. He gets how unfair it is to not be able to get the person you truly like, but it’s different for her because there’s still a chance, and he tells her that, about how he might change. Unlike her, he can’t get the boy he likes. He wants to hit himself for continuing to think about the boy, he feels angry but he can’t show it, so he half smiles as Adeline voices her fantasies about him breaking up with his girlfriend.

 

Soon after, the topic dies down about boys, but he stopped listening a while ago and decided to simply stand there, idle. Like decoration for Camila, standing at her side, occasionally holding hands until she lets go, and he tries to convince himself that he likes her, that he does have a crush on her and he’s just too scared to admit it. It doesn’t work, because when he leaves, he feels the same as he did when he went in. He feels an uncanny feeling of nostalgia as he’s taken to Camila’s house for a sleepover, even though he doesn’t want to.

 

It’s funny, Raj thinks as he looks out the window while Camila talks to her dad this time, it’s funny how time is a circle. He was in this same situation three years ago, it never changes. He hates feeling all sad, despondent like this but he can’t help but feel melancholic about everything, about how he’ll have to live like this forever. He’s getting tired of trying to like girls, he’s tired of trying to fix himself, but there is quite literally nothing to do. It’s like pushing a rock up a never ending hill, it keeps rolling down. Raj thinks there's a name for this, but he’s not smart, he doesn’t have all this knowledge.

 

Raj feels like he’s at a dead end, will he keep having to date girls lovelessly? Will he have to continue to date very genuine, kind girls just to break up with them a few weeks later? Or will he have to live in solitude after high school, or college if he’s even smart enough to get into it? Raj tries to live in a fairytale, where he and Wayne live together forever. It's ideal, comfortable, but he’s no longer in second grade on the nurse bed, scribbling out future plans. He’s fifteen and he’s learning that life will never go his way, that he just has to work with the cards he’s been dealt. He wants to throw a tantrum, or force someone to give him their cards, but he can’t, and he knows that eventually, he will have to go by himself, he won't be able to be codependent on Wayne, because he will be dependent on someone else— a girl that he loves, that he marries.

 

It makes him feel sick, and the feeling doesn’t go away even when he goes into Camila’s house and they go to her room. He sits on her bed, looking at the neat organization of it all. Radiohead posters, TV Show posters, photos of her friends, it feels like her. There’s a cat bed in the corner where her cat pokes their head out and jumps onto the bed, sniffing Raj before nuzzling his hand. It’s a cue to pet them, and his body moves without thinking. Camila stops talking, Raj didn’t even realize she was talking, to smile.

 

“Awh, she likes you.” She tells him, Raj smiles. He likes cats, and he’s about to ask for her name but she beats him to it, “Her name is Pookie.” She tells him, sitting down next to him. They sit in silence for a little bit, petting Pookie, who has now crawled on to his lap and is sleeping soundly. Raj likes the vibrations of Pookie’s purrs, it’s calming, so he lays back, and so does Camila.

 

She talks, and he makes an effort to listen. He does think she’s pretty cool, but he doesn’t like her, and it makes him sad. She stops talking after a while and they look at the led colored ceiling, it changes colors smoothly and Raj likes that. She turns to face him, head on her hands, laying on her side. Raj turns only his head, making sure to be aware of Pookie. She smiles, but it looks different, like she’s nervous. Raj is confused before Camila leans in and kisses him, it’s quick and Raj tries to kiss back but his nerves only let him do so much.

 

When Camila pulls away, she isn’t smiling, but frowning. Raj is afraid that time is indeed a circle, and that she’s going to yell at him and cry for not kissing back, but instead she sits up and sighs.

 

“Sorry.” She mutters, and he’s even more confused now. He sits up, Pookie wakes up a little bit but she goes back to bed, softly making muffins on his thighs. Camila’s eyes water up and Raj feels like he should do something, but he doesn’t know what, “Sorry for what?” He asks, his voice is cracky, realizing he hasn’t talked in awhile. She faces him, watery eyes and her face looks guilty.

 

“I don’t like you.” She tells him, and it hurts a little. He feels hurt because he thought she found him attractive, and now his ego is hurt, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to pretend much longer. Raj is mid-sentence, telling her it’s okay before she cuts him off, “I think I’m lesbian.” She whispers, scared of something. Raj feels a sense of familiarity in her words, a sense of home, comfort. She knows, and Raj feels his breath hitch, someone knows , he isn’t utterly alone. He smiles a little, kicking his feet. Camila looks confused, but he speaks before she can ask anything.

 

“It’s okay, I don’t mind.” It’s quiet, reassuring. Camila smiles, laughing out sobs. She wipes her face, “I don’t know why I told you that.” She confessed, also kicking her feet too, and he shrugs, “I won’t tell anyone.” He reassures her, and she looks thankful, “I get it.” He tells her before thinking, he looks disgusted when he says it, horrified. He tries to cover it up but Camila seems to know, “You like boys?” It doesn’t feel gross when she says it, the way everyone else says it, or anything along the lines, it feels like a slur, but she makes it feel pretty, clean.

 

He lets out an airy, anxious laugh, “Yeah, but please don’t tell anyone.” He winces at how pathetic he sounds, practically begging Camila. She laughs as well, hers is more hearty and she promises she won't tell anyone. They continue the sleepover, an uneasy aura lifted out of the room as they watch shows until they pass out. When he gets home, he calls Wayne instantly, telling him that nothing is going to happen.

 

“Ah dude, that’s a bummer, eh. Can’t believe she lost feelings.” He shakes his head, and Raj laughs, shrugging.

 

“Yeah, but oh well, I guess. I still have time.” He tells him, internally, he knows he has all the time in the world, but it’s pointless. He agrees and begins to talk about hockey and how excited he is for their final game. Raj tries to feel happy, tries to live in the moment, because even though Wayne won’t be here forever, he’s here right now.

 

 

---

 

 

They step off the boat and finally enter Total Drama, they get a good look at the other team. Raj makes it a point to make fun of them, trying to assert some idea that he is a fearful competitor. It works, one of them, Ripper, starts stuttering over his words, which Wayne cracks a joke about. They both smile proud, seeing one of the other team members, Axel, calming him down. It’s fun, they love being competitive.

 

More contestants come out, his eyes catching on a particular one that was already on the dock when he arrived; Bowie. He’s pretty, Raj thinks. He internally wants to slam his head against the wall because there is no way he’s going to think about crushes on boys while he’s here, he has to avoid it all. No matter what. Unfortunately, life is never easy on him, and he realizes that Bowie is on the same team as him, so it’s practically impossible to avoid him. He frowns a little, before Wayne throws his arm around his neck, cueing Raj to walk with him. He thinks about something else.

 

Raj thinks Total Drama is amazing, like, all he has to do is compete and win for a million dollars? Easy! Wayne seems also pretty confident as they walk to their designated cabin, talking about how excited he is. Raj shares the same sentiment, hardly being able to contain his excitement. They walk into their cabin to put their stuff down, Wayne stretching after he sets his down roughly.

 

“Our team got some real hotties, eh?” He says, grinning. Raj agrees, and he isn’t lying. Some people are certainly hot, but not the kind Wayne thinks, “For sure, eh!” He grins back, putting him down a little gentler. Someone opens the door, it’s Bowie, Raj realizes after looking. He grinning, throwing his stuff on the bed and saying, “If you’re going to talk about me, I’ll give you guys some privacy.” And he leaves. Raj feels himself grow a little hotter, but he hears Wayne laugh a little, talking about how he was funny. Raj mumbles some form of agreement that he cannot remember and leaves the cabin with Wayne, going wherever he takes him.

 

Wayne socializes with the team while Raj hangs a little behind him, offering his two cents and tiny comments when needed. Raj likes his team so far, especially since it has a movie star on it, Nichelle, who talks about her achievements quite a lot. Most people would think she’s egotistical or arrogant, but Raj finds it exciting. How can someone accomplish so much in such little time? It’s crazy! He disregards that a lot of what she has “done” was in movies.

 

When the first challenge rolls around, he’s excited. He and Wayne hurriedly ran up the hill in front of their whole teaming, chanting phrases to boost the team morale. They can hear MK, a short girl, muttering some snarky comments but they continue anyway, for the sake of the team. The challenge, once they see it, looks quite simple. Complete an obstacle course and bring up a bucket. Easy. Unfortunately, Chris knew that they thought it was easy, and he brought out twists, explaining it (where they both laughed at the word “booby” in “booby traps”).

 

Wayne went down with Nichelle to get the bucket and to bring it back while Bowie and Emma gave out directions, it was a complete mess. They ran into the mud, unable to see with the blindfolds they had to use. Then, they got stung by hornets. Raj winced, feeling horrible for the pain his best friend was going through. They ended up losing the challenge due to Emma, which Wayne and Raj were mildly annoyed by, but more sad than annoyed. Raj left a little after the challenge to go help Wayne with his hornet stings, they walked side by side to the communal bathrooms to help wash it off.

 

“That challenge completely blows.” Wayne mutters, wincing as he puts damp toilet paper on his stings, trying to put stingers out as gently as he can. Raj sat there for moral support after Wayne insisted on doing it himself, claiming Raj was being too rough. They sit in silence for a while until they hear Chris announce the elimination ceremony, but when he said it, he said it’s time for the “marshmallow ceremony” and so, Raj tells Wayne that he’ll vote for him so he can win, and Wayne says he’ll do the same.

 

They walk to the ceremony quite happy with their plan. They sit on some open logs until Chris announces it’s time to vote, calling each person up to place their vote one by one. When Raj is called, he gives Wayne a thumbs up, smiling wide. Wayne does the same when he is called up and they giggle to each other once they’re both seated, whispering things to each other. In the corner of Raj’s eyes, he can see Bowie looking at them and it makes him nervous, so he looks at the ground instead.

 

Chris starts talking, giving his spiel about the elimination ceremony. Wayne and Raj smile, turning to each other, “Who did you vote for, eh?” Wayne asks him, smiling dumbly even though he already knows, “You dude! What about you?” He asks back, “You brah! Hope we win.” He tells Raj, high fiving. Chris sputters a little bit before angrily getting their attention, “Are you serious!? You’re supposed to vote for the camper that you want to eliminate .” And the way Chris says eliminate, it makes Raj feel stupid. They both mutter sorry coach and guiltily look at the ground.

 

The ceremony ends with Caleb leaving, and it’s sad to see how upset he gets and Raj feels bad but forgets about it once Caleb leaves. He goes back to the cabin while Wayne tells him he’ll be back, going to use the bathroom. He goes into the cabin and it’s completely empty except for Bowie. He catches himself smiling, waving to him. Bowie waves back, which makes Raj smile even more. Raj sits down on his bunk and Bowie looks at him.

 

“Do you know how to play this game?” He asks Raj, and Raj thinks for a little bit before nodding, “Yah, I rewatched some episodes with Wayner before we came here!” He tells him, and Bowie laughs, it’s so wonderful to hear. Bowie hums a little, raising a brow but it’s all playful, unlike how everyone on the team looked at him earlier.

 

“Well, I’d be a little more careful with voting next time.” Bowie tells him, looking at him and trying to look serious. Raj laughs nervously, feeling his face heat up and diverts his eyes, “Oh forsure. Uh, do you know why we voted Caleb out?” Raj asks him, he’s been meaning to ask somebody. Bowie smiles, nodding.

 

“Well, I told everyone to vote for him— well, almost everyone. I couldn’t find you and your little friend. Anyway, I told everyone to vote for him because he looked pretty unbeatable.” Bowie explains, grinning mischievously. Raj opens his mouth in shock, and Bowie looks a little concerned before Raj starts laughing. 

 

“Oh, that’s an amazing strategy, eh!” He praises Bowie, and Bowie seems surprised. Raj likes the way Bowie seemed taken aback, it makes Raj feel like he isn’t predictable, like right now, everyone thinks he’s stupid and wont be able to win, but he definitely can. Bowie giggles, waving his hand jokingly.

 

“Oh stop, it was practically nothing.” He tells him, and Bowie’s mannerisms drive Raj a little bit insane, but before he can obsess over them much longer, Wayne enters loudly, talking about how the sink sprayed water everywhere and got his shirt all wet and “moist”. Bowie takes that as a cue to stop the conversation, waving bye to Raj with his fingers and slipping behind Wayne, leaving. Raj turns his attention to Wayne, talking about how they should get better sinks, and shortly after, it’s announced that they will have to go to bed.

 

The next day, there is no challenge and he wakes up later than everyone else. He feels embarrassed but also glad that Wayne didn’t wake him up. He takes his time getting out of bed, cracking his back and changing into a new shirt, but the same pants and jersey. After putting his shoes on, he leaves his cabin to go find Wayne but he’s sleepy and forgets where everything is, so he settles with sitting on a chair near the cafeteria until Wayne finds him. He spaces out, waiting, until he senses someone sitting down next to him. He recognizes the green bracelet on the skinny arm next to him.

 

“Where’s your other half?” Bowie asks him, crossing his legs. Raj smiles dumbly, he feels delighted and wants Bowie to talk to him first. Raj thinks before shrugging, “I dunno, I woke up like, uh, ten minutes ago.” Raj tells him, looking at his wrist before realizing he doesn’t own a watch and never has, so he guesses what time it is based on the sun. He guesses nine.

 

Bowie laughs, “Really? Its eleven, almost lunch. You missed breakfast.” Bowie laughs at him in a non mocking tone. Wow, he was really off. Raj shrugs, “Oh well. I prefer to sleep anyway.” Raj tells him, grinning. Bowie laughs and Raj wants to tell him so many more jokes until he’s no longer funny because that is single handedly the best laugh he has ever heard.

 

“Well, I hope you find your friend soon.” Bowie tells him, standing up. Bowie tells him bye and gives a small wave, and Raj tries to act cool about it, but he messes up and waves excitedly and smiles like an idiot. Once Bowie is far enough away, he angrily kicks the ground, he’s supposed to be avoiding him, why is he so infatuated with him? Why can’t he just be normal? It’s not fair, it truly isn’t. 

 

His thoughts are distracted by the sound of Wayne coming up, yelling his name. The voice makes Raj smile widely, waving to Wayne who starts running to sit down by him. Wayne begins to complain about how he fell into a thorn bush while going on a walk, but then the topic changes to all the animals he saw and how he was chased out of the woods by a freaky, zombie squirrel (it was a raccoon) and how Axel had to hit it with a stick. Raj sat mostly silently, occasionally laughing extremely loud and disruptively, while Wayne explained his morning. 

 

When Wayne asks what Raj did, all Raj did was say talked to Bowie for a few minutes and tried his hardest to not burst at the seams and go on and on and on about the boy. Wayne thankfully saved Raj from his boy crazy crisis by talking about how excited he is for lunch and how “exotic” Chef’s food is.

 

All he has to do is ignore it.

 

 

The second challenge is a lot more fun, it has pirate ships and it reminds them both of their third grade halloween costume of pirates. Wayne and Raj were in a hurry to start the challenge, extremely excited. Wayne proposed he’d be captain, smiling, “It makes sense because I’m captain of my hockey team, eh!” He proudly tells everyone, hitting his chest with pride. MK tries to counter it, but they cut her off with encouraging hoots and cheers, which settles it. Wayne gives out orders and everyone follows them without any arguing.

 

They have a good system in place, and everything is going perfect. They get out a lot of the other team members and they damage their ship a lot. It starts to go south when Zee turns the ship to hit their ship, and it causes everyone to panic. Wayne curls up on himself, “Brace for impact!” He yells, and every braces, but it never comes. They hear the ship crash, but not into them. They sigh in relief, and they all celebrate, knowing they won the challenge.

 

They exit the water, all splitting their ways. Wayne and Raj cheer each other on loudly, clapping and chanting, only stopping for a second to panic about Zee’s leg. The other team glares at them, and normally Raj would feel bad for being rude, but it’s a game, and he’s cocky during games. Total Drama is no different than his hockey matches, he can be as ruthless and arrogant as he wants, it’s how he plays, I mean, his coach didn’t teach him everything for nothing. 

 

Wayne and Raj waste time before dinner by walking around the camp and mingling with their teammates, talking about their win. Every single conversation would end with them both going, “Go SnowOwls!” And proceeding to hoot, and most of their team got tired of their quirks, so they went to go rub their victory in the other teams face. It was fun for a while but after Axel threatened to kill them, it was no longer fun but it was time for dinner.

 

They walked into the cafeteria with a pep in their steps, rambling about something back home while grabbing their food. They sit down and eat their food with delight, talking a lot with their mouths full. It’s gross for any passerby, but they don’t care, occasionally laughing about the comment about Chris telling them to be pirates as a second choice. Raj listens to Wayne as he rambles about something, he can’t remember what because during that ramble, Bowie was waving at him from another table where he sat with Emma, who was currently trying to hide herself giggling.

 

Raj, forgetting Wayne was there, waves back enthusiastically, causing Wayne to turn his head abruptly to find the culprit. His eyes relax after knowing who it is, turning back to Raj smiling, “Ah, you friends with Bowie, eh?” He asks, and Raj smiles, a little bit embarrassed he did it so obviously. 

 

“Oh yeah, forsure. We’ve been talking a little, eh. He’s very funny.” He tells Wayne and Wayne agrees, talking about an offhand comment Bowie made to Chase earlier that day before talking about how it’s lame Bowie doesn’t understand hockey language, but Raj knows that Wayne doesn’t actually find Bowie lame, but he nods anyway. 

 

Throughout dinner, he catches himself looking up at Bowie every now and then before getting embarrassed when Bowie catches him, smiling, and looks away quickly. Raj hopes he isn’t being too obvious, he hasn’t had a lot of experiences with crushes, admittedly. It makes Raj a little bitter at life, how he had to isolate himself from anyone he would even remotely have feelings for. He’s glad, though, that he has never had a crush on Wayne, it would be impossible to isolate himself. Unfortunately, he catches himself isolating a lot, some of his hockey friends, his actual friends, some random classmates, and even the fucking history teacher (Raj had to get Wayne to ask questions for him with the excuse that the teacher made Raj upset one time).

 

His lack of experience with crushes makes it absurdly hard to deal with them when he cannot escape from them, that being right now. Whenever he sees Bowie, it makes his stomach twist and turn, it’s sickening in both a lovesick way but also genuinely sickening. He doesn’t know why he has such a problem with himself being gay when he couldn’t care less about Bowie or the very few gay kids at school, Raj tells himself that he’s just being more considerate to the people around him. I mean, what would his mom think? Or his relatives, or Wayne. It’s just a huge guessing game and Raj isn’t really eager to find the answer.

 

These thoughts plague him as he finishes dinner, walks to the cabin with Wayne, waving to Bowie, and falling asleep.

 

 

It’s clear that the next challenge was the most physically taxing yet. Raj was the first to climb up to the wall, wishing he had spent more time eating breakfast earlier that day instead of praising Nichelle, but he’s doing it. He stops a few times to look at Ripper who is struggling, quietly laughing to himself, not trying to jeopardize his luck by being too cocky too soon. He goes under the wires quite easily, forgetting about the slippery oil right afterwards, falling directly on his ass. He yelps, but hears Wayne cheering him on, so he decides to go slow while cheering himself on saying A SnowOwl never quits !

 

He gets back pretty fast, smiling knowing that he’s safe. MK and Emma go by pretty fast too, Emma occasionally laughing at Chase. When Bowie goes up, that is when he starts to pay attention, and Raj finds it so obscenely unfair at how elegant he does everything. Bowie speeds up the rope wall, slithers under the wire, and glides across the oil without any hitches. Wayne chuckles, “Wow, Bowies’ got some moves.” Without much thought, Raj cannot help but add on, “Yeah, he looks great— I uh, I mean he’s doing great! That’s what I said!” He corrects himself, tensing up, but it doesn’t need correcting he realizes after making a fool of himself.

 

His eyes darted around, trying to see if anyone caught him, only MK glanced at him a little but if anyone else caught it, they didn’t say anything. He let out a breath, relaxing his body. Soon after, he sees Bowie running back. Wayne holds his hand out for a high five, and Raj quickly follows, smiling when Bowie runs and claps his hand, “Nice hustle Bowie!” Raj calls, and Bowie says thank you in such an addicting, confident voice. Raj finds himself slightly shaking with the giggles he’s holding in.

 

Right after Bowie, it’s Waynes turn. Raj grins at him before turning serious as Wayne starts a pep-shout-cheer type of thing, which Raj immediately joins, hitting his helmet and spraying him with a water bottle while Wayne hits him. Wayne shoots off right after their pep-shout-cheer thing, climbing up the wall with no deterring. Raj cheers him on as he completes the course, and when he comes back from punching the number in, he tells Raj about how they’re winning because Julia is projecting her energy into them, which Raj hears Bowie crack a joke that he obviously laughs at.

 

It’s now Nichelle’s turn and they’re all having high hopes, but for some reason Nichelle can’t pull herself up. It’s a cruel sight to see her struggle so much, but Wayne tries to lessen everyone's worries by saying a slow start is no issue and that she’ll crush the rest of the course. Their spirits dwindle as Priya passes Nichelle on the rope, seeing the struggle Nichelle has with grabbing the letter. Emma tries to encourage Nichelle to grab the last letter while Nichelle has a breakdown over it (Emma makes a quick stop to tell Bowie to be nicer after he calls her cringe, which Raj quietly laughs at), but her attempts are in vain.

 

Scary Girl flies through the course with extreme ease while Nichelle falls to the ground sobbing. Emma eventually makes Nichelle feel confident and she grabs the letter and surpasses Scary Girl who is half way. Raj cheers her on with Wayne before wincing when Nichelle runs into a wall, costing them the game. While Nichelle sobs on the ground, Emma has to free Julia from the water tank. 

 

On the walk back, Wayne talks about how bummer it is that Nichelle is a huge fraud, to which Raj agrees wholeheartedly, “I mean, what can she do?” Wayne says while MK mutters apparently nothing . Raj sighs, “I don’t know, I mean, that was painful eh.” He shrugs, walking into their cabin to go grab a change of clothes for a shower before dinner since his pants are soaked with oil.

 

Nothing happens during dinner and the walk to the ceremony is quiet and tense. While waiting for Chris to call people into the voting area, Chef goes over the wrongdoings of a few people. Raj grins at Wayne when their names are not called, it’s a sign that they’ve done everything right. They both voted for Nichelle despite the fanboy voices in their heads telling them to vote MK. They feel guilty as she’s escorted off the island, yelling about her stunt double Jerry, to which Wayne asks if the wig is named Jerry or some dude, and Raj thinks that’s a solid question but he says the stunt double.

 

The walk to the cabin is as quiet and painful, the morale low. Wayne and Raj go into the cabin, noticing Bowie in there. They learned that Bowie is a wild card, sometimes he sleeps in the girls cabin, sometimes in the boys cabin, and it looks like he chose the boys tonight. Raj smiles at him, waving, “Hi Bowie!”

 

Bowie turns around, smiling back, “Hi Raj, hello Wayne.” He says, greeting Wayne as well who mutters out a Wassup Bowie . The cabin falls into comfortable silence, occasionally disrupted by small laughter fits from Wayne and Raj. After a while, Raj crawls into his bunk to finally go to sleep, and he opens his eyes once and he swears he sees Bowie looking at him, he quickly shuts his eyes again and tries to fall asleep.

 

His thoughts are less depressing than the previous challenge’s night, instead of thinking about his gross urges, he thinks about Nichelle and how she faked being an action star and then he wonders if Iron Man fakes it too (he refers to Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark).

The next morning, Raj and Wayne complain about Nichelle and how disappointed they are, talking about how they can’t believe it wasn’t real. MK adds some snarky comment about how none of it is real, about how it’s on TV. MK’s comments make Wayne panic about his existence which make Raj panic, and while it was funny at first, MK had to get Julia to confirm that they are, in fact, real after they started doing concerning things.

 

The first challenge is called soon after, and they walk kind of grouchy. Chris explains the challenge, with slight interruptions from Scary Girl, it’s quite easy until Chris mentions a harpoon gun, “Those things look kind of, uh, pointy. How are we supposed to win if, ya know, all the blood falls out of our bodies?” Wayne asks and Raj nods, showing he’s also curious. Chris shows the plunger gun, but accidentally reveals that he set it too high and Chef is forced to fix them thankfully.

 

The challenge is called on shortly after and Wayne’s authoritative side kicks in and he starts talking about how they have to try harder while Raj gives out orders hockey-style. He assigns Emma and Julia on defense, MK gets the skull, and Bowie takes their eyes away. Raj gets a little nervous after assigning Bowie his role, scared it would come across weird, but no one says anything so he cheers the team on with Wayne and they speed off without taking any questions.

 

Wayne and Raj run to their base with MK and Bowie before they’re split up from Scary Girl on a jack hammer. Thankfully, MK was being chased and not them, but they made comments about how attempted murder is not cool. They all eventually are able to hide behind a bush and Wayne tells them that they need a decoy. Raj volunteers MK and Bowie throws her out, telling her to take one for the team. The decoy works, obviously. Scary Girl chases MK who leads her away from the three boys.

 

The three run into their base, dodging the water and the plungers that go at them, feeling quite confident. Well, until Ripper releases a boulder. Bowie tells them to watch out but Wayne ignores him, holding his hands out and saying that he’s got this. He obviously gets crushed, Raj winces but compliments the clean hit, unaware of the next boulder until Bowie pushes him out of the way and lands on him. It happened too fast for Raj to really comprehend what happened, all he knew was that he was standing next to Wayne and now the most gorgeous man alive on top of him.

 

He decides he should speak, “Uhh, thanks.” He forces out, glancing around, afraid of eye contact. He sees Bowie smile, “It’s all good.” Bowie says, so softly that Raj thought he imagined it. Bowie gets off of him, checking up on Wayne. Raj follows, concerned after he regains his senses. Wayne gets up after a while, his attitude seems slightly different, he's cheery than usual, especially for someone who just got crushed. Raj doesn’t dwell on it for long because he’s in game mode, so he focuses on the task at hand; winning this challenge.

 

Raj and Bowie hid behind a piece of metal that stuck out of the ground, while Wayne went to defend their area. They were about to move until they smelt something foul and it didn’t take long for them to figure out that it was Ripper and that they should run. They cover their noses, gagging as they look for a new place, the smell sticking for too long. They decide to go back to base, unable to focus on finding a new spot.

 

Julia questions them about their new appearance and Raj explains how it was Ripper while Bowie adds on comments about the stench, which Emma volunteers to grab the skull. Shortly after Emma leaves, they see Priya and Ripper running up, but it’s more like Ripper with a Priya shield. They try to get them both with plungers and water, but it doesn’t work and he gets the skull and runs before running into a metal shield and throwing it unintentionally to Scary Girl. Raj sighs in disappointment as she runs off with it, presumably to Chris.

 

They sit in silence until they hear Chris announcing that their team won, which Wayne and Raj react extremely happily, shaking each other around and cheering while Julia and Bowie celebrate in their own ways. They walk back to camp, the spirits high as everyone is conversing. They see the other team arguing about who to vote out; Scary Girl or Priya (sometimes Damien throws his name in the mix) and Wayne comments about how he’s glad he’s not them, to which Raj agrees, smiling half-lidded.

 

The rest of the day is pretty uneventful except for Bowie smiling at him a lot more, it fills Raj’s body with disgusting butterflies and he wishes he could shake the feeling, wishes he could feel this way about a girl on their team. Despite himself, he always succumbs to his urges and always smiles or waves back with 110% more energy, and Bowie seems to find it amusing.

 

When they go to bed that night, Raj’s last thoughts before falling asleep were about Bowie, and because of this, he dreams about him.

 

 

The day of the next challenge, they spend breakfast with Julia who doesn’t look too happy to spend it back with them when they start talking about their shit. Luckily, the challenge is called soon after and they hurriedly eat their beans, making it a competition like always. On the walk to the beach, they argue over who won but it subsides upon reaching the beach where most of the campers are already there and an impatient Chris.

 

Apparently, the beans they ate were supposed to make a quiet walk across the woods as hard as possible because of the raptors (which Raj asked about the hockey team, excited). Everyone freezes at a loud roar after Millie questions the actuality of the challenge, which Chris uses as a gotcha. They all run in different directions as raptors surround them and Chris drives off on a jet. Wayne and Raj run with Julia, and the two formulate a plan and ask her if she’s ready, she’s mid-complain when a raptor runs to them and they ditch her.

 

They stop running after a long time because Raj has a plan, and he tells Wayne that he thought of something. Raj knows that Wayne has been acting weird recently, but it’s extra weird when he starts being oddly supportive and caring, it freaks him out a little bit until he asks Wayne for hockey tape. Wayne’s face sours for a split second before smiling again, as if nothing happens, and pulls out five rolls of hockey tape, visibly proud.

 

They talk about their teammate Keith and the prank they pulled similar to this idea and how mad Keith was before going on about how smart this plan was. They call the raptor over, Wayne calling it a dragon, and after it slips on some green muck, Wayne has the idea to shake to the finish line. They excitedly skate over, Raj cheering them on with Go SnowOwls!

 

They wait for a really long time until the rest of their team comes along, beating the other team. They celebrate their victory for the second time in a row while Chris scolds the other team for losing. It’s always an amazing sight to see. It’s pretty lively back at camp, a lot of people seem more happy, even the losing team for some odd reason. Nothing happens from the end of the challenge until the end of dinner, when Raj goes on a walk before the sun sets and finds Bowie.

 

Raj sits on a rock next to Bowie, smiling, “I’m glad you’re okay.” He tells him, truthfully. Bowie is weird, he makes Raj feel super open. Like, he could tell him anything at all, he’s safe like that. Bowie giggles, his eyes half lidded, everything he does seems so smooth, “I am more than okay.” He tells Raj, which makes him giggle like crazy. He becomes randomly nervous, hot, and sweating. They sit in comfortable silence for a little bit.

 

“That challenge was insane.” Bowie tells him in an exasperated tone to which Raj nods rapidly, “For sure, eh!” He responds, “Raptors? That’s crazy! Very cool but, uh, crazy!” He speaks very animatedly, like he’s afraid Bowie will lose interest if he talks boring. Raj finds himself trying to get Bowie’s approval and/or attention a lot recently.

 

Bowie hums, “You were there before me, what’d you and Wayne do?” He asks, resting his chin on his elbow. Raj laughs, excited to share their awesome plan, making a quick interruption of the story to talk about the prank they played on their friend Keith. Bowie laughs at the story, nodding along to show his interest.

 

“Very smart of you two.” He praises Raj, it makes Raj feel hot again, his stomach feels light and jittery, so he giggles and thanks him. They sit in silence for a little while longer, soaking in the sunset until it’s practically gone. Bowie stands up afterwards and Raj follows suit, “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Raj.” He smiles at Raj, it’s such a pretty smile. Raj has to force words out of his mouth, “I, uh, I— totally! See you tomorrow Bowie!” He waves as Bowie walks off and Raj has to stay there for a few more moments to recover. He feels like the life was sucked out of him, it’s intoxicating.

 

Raj knows it’s wrong, but Bowie is like a drug.

 

 

The day of the next challenge, Wayne and Raj are chatting about the unique breakfast— a burrito. They get disrupted when Julia walks in, all pissed off over something, and they’re not really looking to find out what happened. Bowie cracks a joke about her, seemingly unafraid, but Julia smacks him with the burrito. The cafeteria goes quiet, she was so nice yesterday, what happened? Ripper yells at her about how it’s wrong to hit a man with his own burrito and Raj is about to agree but decides not to after Julia throws a burrito directly at Ripper’s face.

 

She starts yelling about a video of her yelling at a raptor, and Raj thinks he saw it already but he keeps quiet, so does everyone else. She seems to be proud of how mean she’s being, sort of relieved. The challenge is called mid-rant, she seems to get even more mad but heads out. Wayne pulls Raj aside, “We totally need our beards! Remember? We set them out last night!” He tells Raj, grinning.

 

Raj grins as well, running to the cabin with Wayne by his side, “Oh forsure, we’ll totally score the win, eh!” He yells, excited. They run into the cabin, “There’s no way we’ll lose with these!” Wayne says, adding on a comment about winning three times in a row. They look on their beds but their beards are gone, Raj makes an unsure noise.

 

“Wayner, where are they?” Raj asks him, thinking he moved them, turning around. He sees Wayne utterly destroying his bag to find his beard and then moving onto Raj’s. Normally, Raj would be mildly irritated by this, but he’s just as confused as desperate, going to tear their beds apart. The search for a few more minutes before Raj goes to check the clock, which he can barely read, and finds out they’ve been at least twenty minutes late to the challenge.

 

“Wayne, we gotta go, we're late.” Raj tells him, grabbing the neck of his shirt and pulling him back. Wayne gently hits his arm back, “Hold on, I bet I can find it…” Wayne insists, and Raj sighs, impatiently waiting for Wayne to figure out there is no beard. Eventually, Raj has to pull Wayne by the shirt and drag him out of the cabin, yelling about how they are thirty minutes late.

‘

Once Wayne figures out how late they actually are, he runs to the place they’re supposed to be at… where everyone is waiting very impatiently. They meet up on their team mat, panting, “Sorry we’re late, we were looking for our lucky beards.” Raj spits out inbetween pants.

 

“We don’t know how were gonna win without it!” Wayne dramatically cries out and MK throws out a sarcastic whatever will we do? Raj takes it seriously and shrugs, “I dunno.” His voice is sad and disappointed. Chris clears his throat and scolds them for being late and then explains the challenge, and it looks very fun; it’s a catapult challenge, and while it’s dangerous, it looks pretty fun if they don’t die.

 

When it’s Wayne’s turn, Raj jumps in with him smiling, “We’re ordering a double!” Wayne announces, “Double people, double points!” Raj seems proud he came up with this idea, it’s a no brainer really. Chef unfortunately tells them that only one person can go at once, so Raj slips out and lets Wayne fly solo.

 

It’s a smooth soar in the air, Wayne making a joke about reversing until he lands on a bull that was attacking Emma. Wayne panics on the bull, yelling for help. Raj jumps in immediately after to try to save Wayne but Julia flings him too far and he lands into a hole of pudding. It’s hard to swim in, extremely thick and smells horrible. He tries to tread it to work up strength to swim to the ladder, but the weight of the pudding along with running earlier makes him have an ankle spasm, so he yells for help and starts to struggle to not drown.

 

He’s positive he’s going to die in tapioca pudding until Bowie suddenly appears in front of him and it’s like his whole body relaxes. Bowie says something, and he can’t really understand it, all he’s thinking about is how is Bowie so confident? There’s something unique about Bowie, he makes Raj question if being in the closet is really worth it, which he has never done before. Raj would always use the athlete excuse and how being a gay athlete would be weird, but Bowie is an athlete, he plays basketball, so what’s his excuse? What’s stopping him?

 

Those are his last thoughts before his eyes dart to Bowie’s lips and, without much thought, kisses him. To his surprise, Bowie leans in. It’s quick, and when they pull away, Raj is stuttering. Bowie cuts him off by complimenting him and then saying they should go out because of the shark (Raj, his mind all frayed, thought he meant the hockey team).

 

The rest of the challenge is a blur, he stands on the mat, occasionally cheering his team on, but it’s like he’s not even there. He feels like everyone knows, and soon everyone will know, he realizes. It’s on TV, everyone will know, his mom, relatives, friends. It hits him like a bus later on, though, after the challenge and when they’re walking to the elimination ceremony. He forgets how they lost, something about Zee, but everyone’s talking about voting Julia and so he will. They sit at the circle, Julia not there just yet, and Chris complains about how everyone is late that day, a silent jab at Wayne and Raj.

 

They see Julia run up with a whole bunch of items and panicky explains how MK was stealing items from people. MK defends herself pretty convincingly, about how it’s convenient to frame MK right then and there, and Julia looks quite at a loss for words. Wayne mumbles something about how it’s messed up that Julia is lying. Julia quickly pulls out a phone and says MK uses it to watch confessionals, which Bowie gets up and throws it in the water. Raj is also relieved, he doesn’t want anyone to see his confessionals. No one believes Julia until she brings up pooping, and that’s when Wayne gasps and Raj is instantly convinced.

 

So, instead of Julia, he votes MK and she gets out. The walk back to the cabins is pretty awkward now that everyone’s confessionals have been watched by someone. Raj wonders if MK knew about him before anyone else, and if she did, he’s glad she didn’t say anything.

 

When Raj quietly goes to bed, waving goodnight to Bowie who decides to go into the girls cabin that night, he thinks about everyone’s reactions back home before falling into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

Raj yawns, irritated by the early challenge announcement. The sun was still in the process of rising when he was shot out of bed from an airhorn in the speakers. For a second, he thought he was late for another challenge, but when he walked outside, all the tired campers and the sun not even being fully out eased his worries.

 

Even though he was glad he wasn’t late, he was a little bit grouchy from being woken up. He walked beside Wayne to the challenge, skipping breakfast because they didn’t have time, while everyone else seemed to have the same expression. Eventually, walking a little bit longer let his sour feelings die down and he began smiling, prepared for today's challenge.

 

Wayne yawns, elbowing Raj’s arm, “Man, was yesterday cashews, pecans, and almonds or what?” He asked, using an absurd expression he picked up a few years back. Raj laughs, putting finger guns up, “Oh yeah, forsure, all kinds of nuts!” Wayne laughs a little more expecting and turns to him, “What do you think was the craziest thing that happened to you?” He asks, hoping not to be obvious.

 

Raj bites his tongue, trying not to spill his secret everywhere. He really doesn’t want Wayne to know just yet, he doesn’t know when he wants him to know, just not yet, “I gotta say the pudding shark.” He replies, trying to sound as casual as he can. Wayne seems to think for a second, a scared expression slides across his face before it eases away almost instantly as if nothing happened at all.

 

They make it to a campfire area, it warms up the cold early morning air. Chris asks for the flags of each team, where a confused Emma and Priya bring them up. He chucks them into the fire, explaining that the teams have merged and only one person can win immunity. Raj looks at Wayne, scared, and Wayne seems just as scared, if not more. After a quick fight between Emma and Chase, Chris explains the challenge after Ripper asks, insulting him mid explanation. It’s about bringing a cassowary egg to him.

 

Chris has to explain what a cassowary is and how dangerous they are, which petrifies everyone, including Raj and Wayne. They partner up for safety in case one of them dies, which they doubt will happen, but they couldn’t say no to partnering up.

 

While they were walking through the woods, Wayne tried to casually bring up a topic, “You know what I like most about our friendship?” He asks, which Raj takes seriously to the rhetorical question and gives a couple wrong answers, making Wayne shutting him down rather upset and concerned but his tone goes back to normal, “That we share big secrets with each other. Just like when I told you I ate a burger out of a trashcan right after hockey practice?” He explains, and Raj looks at him funny before laughing.

 

“On hot days in the backseat of my moms car, I can still smell the barf.” He tells Wayne, smiling with his hands on his hips, “And even though I was scared to tell you about the car vomit, I did. So, is there anything you wanna tell me?” Wayne asks, as if he knows something, putting a comforting hand on Raj’s shoulder. Raj can feel his heart beating super fast, does he know? How can he know? He hasn’t told anyone yet. How?

 

Raj instead answers with a yes before getting distracted by something behind some bushes. He hears Wayne talking to himself about something but Raj is currently planning on how to take them. Eventually, Wayne finds them and they quietly celebrate but it doesn’t stop a cassowary from coming up behind them, growling.

 

Raj keeps running even after the bird takes off after Wayne, and along the way he almost runs into Bowie and Emma. He stops abruptly and nervously waves, “Hey!” He breathily greets, “Hey you too.” Bowie tells him, and it’s so charismatic somehow. He doesn’t know how he does it, so Raj blushes and nervously smiles. Emma gets the hint and gives them some space, and it’s obvious she knows.

 

After Emma is gone, he starts talking, “So, uh, I should’ve asked before kissing you! I was just— uh, and— I’m sorry if you didn’t like it, if it made you feel—” He rambles until Bowie puts a finger on his lip, and every part of him stops working. He flops his hands down with his arms still out, trying to comprehend everything, “Stop, I really liked kissing your face. But, at some point in this competition, in order to win the million dollars, I might need to kick you in the face. So, can we hit pause on whatever this is?” Bowie tells him, obviously enjoying the way Raj nervously giggles and smiles.

 

Raj nervously fidgets with his hair, “Oh no, I uh, you don’t have to— I just—” He begins to ramble, becoming more insecure until Bowie grabs his hand and pulls it up to him, “And, when the games over, let's go on a date.” He suggests, smiling. Raj stands still, taking a few decades to understand that Bowie just asked him out. Before he could respond, Bowie pulls him in for a kiss, grabbing both sides of his face.

 

Kissing Bowie feels free, like he’s no longer stuck to something. Bowie feels like he’s doing something wrong but fun, like sneaking out. It’s exhilarating, something new. He feels like that whatever happens after the game, whatever happens to him, he’s still going to be okay, as long as he’s able to kiss Bowie at the end of the day.

 

They’re broken apart from Emma screaming Move, Move, Move! While a giant cassowary chases her. Bowie runs away, screaming, while Raj jumps behind a nearby bush and prays that the bird didn’t realize. It thankfully runs past, chasing after Bowie and Emma instead, leaving Raj untouched. 

 

Raj sneaks out of the bush, crouching as he goes to find some eggs, Bowie, or Wayne. After a few close calls, he finally finds two eggs— one for him, one for Wayne. While grabbing the eggs, he hears some loud noises in the distance and stupidly thinks it’s Wayne and continuously calls out to him. Finally, a giant cassowary pops out a bush and chases Raj away, dropping the eggs.

 

He runs for a long ass time before he comes to a cliff, and he’s scared, but he becomes confident and tries to defend himself. He wrestles the cassowary until it pulls his shirt up and continuously beats him until Wayne comes running up, trying to help. It doesn’t work, the bird flings them both off the cliff, hitting edge after edge.

 

While falling, Raj thinks he could die, he might actually die, “Wayne, buddy, I have to tell you something!” He yells, hoping Wayne can hear it over the sound of their bones breaking. Wayne does, somehow, “I’m listening, go ahead!” He yells back, hitting his body on particularly rough edges until falling straight down, facing Raj, who looks bruised up.

 

“I kissed Bowie,” he admits, “I’m gay!” And he has never said it outloud before, not today anyone, not even himself. When he would whisper things to himself, or to Camila, he would never straight up say it, it was like a slur. It didn’t fall off the tongue nice, it felt like swearing in front of your parents. Wayne seems ecstatic, “Oh buddy!” He yells before they slam their heads straight down on the ground.

 

They stand up, wobbly and disoriented, “Thanks for, yellin’ me.” Wayne slurs, cross-eyed. Raj, also cross-eyed, throws a sloppy arm around his neck, “You’re my best' friend. Of course I’m gon’ tell you!” His words are long and choppy, his tongue not working right, slacking. They wobble back to camp, struggling to find their way, going back and forth. They ramble about random topics lazily, the words never making sense, the sentence not being proper, it’s like they’re kids again.

 

They stumble across everyone else, limping to them. Bowie instantly notices and runs up to Raj, “Raj! What happened!” He says, extremely worried. It’s morphed and not right in Raj’s brain, Bowie doesn’t look quite right, he can’t find anything to focus on, “No eggs!” He yells, which causes Wayne to speak, sort of like a domino effect, “Eggs shut out, bro!” He falls down right after, his body finally getting too tired.

 

Chris doesn’t seem worried at all, insulting them slyly as well. They have to walk to the hospital area in camp to bandage their wounds and it takes a long time, right after they have to walk to the elimination ceremony, leaning on each other for support. They don’t really know what’s going on but they know where to go, nothing really makes sense, they don’t get the words people are saying or how it got dark out.

 

Chris goes over his whole spiel on the elimination and Chef calls out people's greatest errors, and it’s smooth until Chef lands his eyes on Wayne and Raj, who are visibly barely holding it together, he asks them what happened. Wayne and Raj understand what he said but the words don’t make it out at all, coming out in gibberish and Bowie has to answer for them, which is where Chris is forced to send them to an actual hospital nearby.

 

They’re sent away on a medical mat with the drone, and Chris asks them something before they’re sent off but they just answer in absolute gibberish before singing O’Canada once they’re in the air.

 

Raj cannot remember what went through his mind before he woke up in the hospital a few days later, and on that day, it was oh shit. Because, everyone knew.

 

 

It’s quiet in the hospital, they’re able to watch other contestants on TV, and it’s fun being able to watch them. He’s also able to see what Bowie says about him, it makes him giggle. They haven’t talked about the whole being gay thing quite yet, it hasn’t felt right. Raj was laying on his hospital bed with extra blankets he had requested until Wayne walked in on crutches.

 

“Hi bro, you don’t know how long I had to convince the doctor ladies to let me use crutches instead of those chairs with wheels.” He says, walking up to Raj’s bed and sitting beside him, also burying himself under blankets. 

 

Raj laughs, “Hi, what’re you doing here?” he asks, it’s not like he isn’t glad Wayne is there, but he’s absolutely scared. Are they going to talk about it?

 

Wayne clearing his throat kind of answers the question, “Well, I was wondering if— well, like, you know— I just, I had questions about you being, ya’know, gay?” He states and Raj has to nod for him to continue, but it’s kind of obvious that he’s scared. Wayne tries his hardest to make his voice seem as supportive as possible, to let Raj know he isn’t being judgemental, “I was just wondering’ how long ya knew?”

 

Raj thinks for a few moments, “Years. I’ve known for a long time.” He answers, “Wait, really?” Wayne seems surprised. Raj lets out an airy laugh, “Oh, forsure. I mean, I always knew I liked boys. At the same time, I knew that it was, well, weird. I didn’t have a name for it until like, fifth grade, eh.” He mumbles, growing more insecure as he speaks. Wayne nods, understanding.

 

“Oh, okay. But, uh, you dated girls?” He questions, and it’s not like Wayne isn’t believing him, it’s more of a Why did you type of question, “Yeah, I did. I mean, everyone else was, it’d be obvious I was, you know, uh, if I didn’t.” He explains, but it’s a bit more complicated than that, but he doesn’t want Wayne to know about his gay guilt dilemma he had for years on end.

 

Wayne laughs, “Ooh, I get it,” He smiles, and Raj cannot be more thankful to have Wayne as a friend because he makes these awkward, tense conversations feel so normal, as if Wayne has known for years, “Well, uh, who was your first actual crush?” Wayne giggles like a schoolgirl, it feels so nostalgic. Raj giggles too, “Oh, uh, I’m pretty sure it was Kayden back in fourth grade,” Raj hides his face, it feels so weird, he never thought he would be telling anyone any of this, “ya know, that kid who played kickball all the time.” He finishes once Wayne looks a little confused before his face fills with recognition.

 

He laughs loudly, “Oh my god! It’s kind of obvious looking back at it now, eh.” Wayne moves his hands a lot, and Raj shrugs, smiling. It probably is obvious, he would try his hardest to play with Kayden whenever he could and he’d always try to impress him during kickball games, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Wayne asks, and suddenly the mood is more serious, and Raj debates lying, but why would he lie now?

 

Raj nervously rubs his wrist, “Well, uh, you know. It was hard, I didn’t really, uh, like it myself.” He mutters out, embarrassed. Wayne makes a sad noise, “Why didn’t you like it?” Wayne looks down, away from Raj’s eyes. He hears Raj taking nervous breaths, “Well, uh, it didn’t feel normal. No one else I knew liked boys, everyone talked about girls, and people I know sometimes talked, you know, bad about the, uh, community.” He explains the best he can, stuttering a lot, and he decides to leave out Camila.

 

Wayne laughs a little, but not mockingly, Wayne would never mock him, “Oh, I get that. I’ve seen em’ talk bad about gay people a bunch of times.” The way Wayne talks about gay people makes it sound okay while Raj has issues even saying the word. It doesn’t need to be said who they’re talking about, some kids at school. It happens on their hockey team, too, it’s what he’s the most nervous about, well, besides his mom.

 

Wayne shuffles a little, “Does anyone else know?” Raj is about to answer no but he thinks, “Well, maybe MK, she read our confessionals. Oh, also Emma seems to know. I haven’t directly told anyone besides you.” He answers almost honestly, smiling. Wayne nods, smiling, “Well, now I need to get a girlfriend!” He looks back at Raj, excited, “Then me, you, and Bowie can go on a double date!”

 

Raj likes the idea, nodding. It would be amazing having Wayne and Bowie in the same room, being able to be gay without any interruptions; it’s amazing sounding, a little too good to be true. So, in an attempt to not jinx their chances, “Oh, I sure hope so!” Raj tells him, seeming excited.

 

It sends Wayne on a ramble about good dinner places in their area before asking where Bowie lives and then googling the best places there and talking about if Raj is going to buy gifts for Bowie, or if Bowie is going to do that, or if they’re both. He seems excited, but he has to be realistic, “I hope I can plan that stuff, but it all depends on my mom.” He tells Wayne, who deflates a little, “Well, she’s gonna be supportive, right?” The way he says it, it seems like a statement but his face gets more concerned with Raj’s silence.

 

Raj sighs, “I know she has seen the episode, it aired forever ago, but she hasn’t messaged me anything yet, only asking if I’m alright.” He’s suddenly nervous again, “I’m a little scared,” he admits, “I don’t know how she’ll react. I hope it’s at least neutral, I love my mom.” He feels himself getting scared-sad, but forces himself to keep it together. Wayne hums, “Your mom loves you, I know it! I doubt some dumb gay stuff— I mean it’s not dumb but, you know— will stop her from uh, loving you!” Wayne assures him, throwing an arm around him and pulling him in for a side hug.

 

It’s comforting and what he needed was, “Yeah, I uh, I hope so.”

When he got back home in Alberta, his mom had a long talk with him about the gay stuff. It was awkward but needed, it eased his nerves to know that his mom still loved him nonetheless, and she made sure he knew it, giving him big hugs a few times and assuring him that he is still her “little man” no matter what. Unfortunately, his mom thought it was necessary to give Raj the other birds and the bees talk, making him live through that pitiful conversation about STDs. Even though the topic was less than desirable, it did actually teach him some stuff (like how he thought chlamydia was a form of crab seafood).

 

 

---

 

 

He told his mom about the date he had with Bowie and they had planned it over text after the show, planning on going to a place in Alberta while Bowie visited some relatives there as a celebration for the runner-up. It aligned perfectly, they picked out the best places to go and their budget. They decided on walking downtown for a bit, looking at some beach area despite it being fall, and going out to eat. Now all there was to do was to do it.

 

It was the day of the date and he had to get Wayne’s help to pick out a decent outfit, but Raj was majorly indecisive, extremely worried that Bowie wouldn’t like what he had picked out. His brother was visiting that day and told Raj that if Bowie liked him in his “sweaty jersey” then he would like him in basically anything, and it eased his nerves. While Raj was talking to his brother, Wayne walks out holding an outfit.

 

“What about’ this?” He asks, holding up a blue collared shirt and some khaki shorts, and Raj almost said yes before realization hit, “Wayner, that looks like what Ripper wears.” and Wayne didn’t notice until Raj said something, which caused him to burst out laughing. Wayne goes back and grabs something else, but it’s obvious he’s using pinterest to find outfits because the outfits he picks are very not him but they work.

 

Wayne grabs a blue sweater this time and some khaki pants, it’s good enough and only good enough because Bowie will be there in fifteen minutes and he still has to go get his stuff ready. He throws the outfit on before going to the bathroom where he brushes his teeth and almost forgets to put deodorant on and some cologne (Wayne told him “chicks love that stuff” and then added that Bowie is basically a chick, and then panicked if that was offensive). He grabs his important stuff, like a wallet, ID, and some other miscellaneous things and shoves them into a small backpack.

 

He chills with his family and Wayne before Bowie knocks at the door, he tries to answer it but his mom gets to it first, so he hides behind his mom and waves nervously to Bowie. His mom lets him come inside for a little bit, and Raj can tell that he’s just trying to make himself look nice and make his mom like him after his not so nice actions on Total Drama. She talks a lot to him for a little bit before talking about Raj when he was younger.

 

She goes through the nice and cute parts to the upright embarrassing parts, like when Raj took a hammer and smashed a hole in the wall just to do it when he was eight, and Bowie found that amusing and asked him not to smash any holes in his house when he visits next. Raj laughs, but that means Bowie likes him enough to plan for Raj to come over next, the thought makes him giddy.

 

He feels like nothing can sour his mood until his mom brings up how Raj used to roleplay with old stuffed animals and how she still has videos of it. When Bowie asks to see them, he has to drag Bowie out of the house before he can see too much. It's too embarrassing to see ten year old Raj playing with bears and cat stuffed animals. When they walk to the car, Bowie jokingly complains about how he wants to watch it, and that makes Raj cave it and he tells Bowie he will send it to him later, kind of hoping he forgets.

 

He buckles up while Bowie turns on the car, he’s kind of jealous that Bowie is able to drive without adult supervision. His mom doesn’t trust him yet and she doesn’t trust Wayne to chaperone him, so he has to wait until his mom isn’t busy to practice driving. Bowie connects his phone to the radio before driving to put some music on and he smoothly puts a hand on Raj’s thigh. It makes him giggle and blush, trying to hide his face by looking out the window. He thought he was hiding it well, but Bowie laughed.

 

“You know, Raj, I can still see your reflection.” He tells him, knowingly. Raj nervously laughs, covering his face with his hand, “Oh, I uh, sorry, I’m really reactive, I don’t know why, well, I do, but—” He rambles nervously, not knowing when to stop. Thankfully, Bowie cuts him off, “Don’t worry, I think you’re cute.”

 

Somehow, Bowie knows exactly what to say at all times, it’s unfair. Raj wishes he was that smooth, but he isn’t. Raj laughs, “I, uh, thank you. You’re also, uh, you’re really pretty.” He tells him, giggling. He isn’t used to any of this, he’s used to awkward car rides in the back of some girl mom’s car. He isn’t used to genuinely liking someone and allowing himself to be vocal about it, it’s so amazing.

 

Bowie giggles at him, faint blush creeping up, “Awh, thank you.” He tells him, squeezing his leg gently. The talking subsides with a few giggles from Raj before he starts quietly singing to one of the songs Bowie had put on, well, singing as in a totally fake singing voice. Raj isn’t a good singer but he loves jokingly singing to songs with a bad voice to cover up the fact, plus it makes Bowie laugh so it’s worth it.

 

They pulled up to some sidewalk to walk down to the beach, and Bowie was smart enough to bring sunglasses. Raj felt a little silly for forgetting but Bowie pulled out some sunglasses out of his bag, “I was hoping you’d forget.” He smiled, it was brand new and it was a gift just for Raj. He put them on, proud, walking down some steps with Bowie’s hand in his, enjoying the last of the warm weather before it becomes cold as fuck.

 

“How has being out been?” Bowie asks him, squeezing his hand every so often. Raj hums before shrugging, “It’s been fine. My family is mostly supportive besides my grandma and my uncle, but I never see them so it’s okay.” Raj tells him, it matters a little bit. He saw it on facebook after Total Drama ended and it made him sad at the time, but his mom is fine so it’s okay.

 

Bowie nods, “Yeah, that’s funny, my grandma also doesn’t like it.” He laughs about it, unlike Raj who is a little sad. Maybe he’ll be like that some day. He thinks about the future a lot, though. He already has seen most of his teammates' reactions, and it isn’t straightforward. It’s mixed. He’s wondering how his hockey career will go once school starts in a few weeks, about how he’ll be treated. He already saw hate comments on some of his posts, and it’s very new.

 

Before Total Drama, he wasn’t too popular, but popular enough. He had around nine hundred followers on most of his stuff, even if never posted, but it was mostly because he was the alternate captain of the hockey team. But, going from nine hundred to over hundred thousand is insane. It was weird to see a surge of likes, comments, DMs, etc. He loves it, of course, he loves knowing that people enjoy him.

 

He doesn’t like that hate comments he gets a lot. Some of them are simple but a lot of them are extremely mean, and he can handle trash talk. Sometimes, he will look in his DMs and see some of the most vile, disgusting dms he has ever seen, but he has to remind himself that they’re online. It doesn’t really stop the overwhelming feeling though, having so many people hating you. It’s not like he’s an incredibly influential person either, he’s just a normal teenage boy who went on a reality TV show.

 

His life hasn’t changed much, he doesn’t feel different, he just went to summer camp for a chance of money. So, it’s odd when people treat him like a micro celebrity, it’s overwhelming. He wasn’t very active online to begin with, but now he feels like he has to keep up even when he doesn’t want to. It’s not the worst, though, he’s able to see cute videos about him and Bowie, or funny edits of him and Wayne. So, there are some benefits.

 

He also loves when Bowie posted a photo of them after the finale and so many strangers were so supportive, it was surreal. Why do so many people care about him? He’s not special. It felt amazing though. Most things with Bowie go like that. Bowie makes everything seem way better than it actually is, it’s incredible.

 

The date goes very well, they walk awhile before starving, so they go to a little cafe that’s honestly too pricey to go to again, but they splurge because they’re young and in love and money doesn’t matter right now because they still have the comfort of their parents. They eat and sit in the cafe until Bowie suggests they go back to grab his car before it gets too late and they have to walk in the dark.

 

They walk and it feels longer walking back, mostly because they’re ready to fall into a food coma from the food, but they make it. They’re not ready to bring Raj back home yet, so they find some mostly secluded area in a park area and go to the grass to lay down and look at the stars. It’s cheesy, but Raj loves it and it’s everything he has ever wanted.

 

He holds Bowie’s hand, “Do you think these stars have seen us grow up?” Raj asks quietly, afraid to disturb the peace. Bowie laughs so softly, “Maybe. They’ve been here forever.” He replies, squeezing his hand. They fall into a comfortable silence, Raj moving closer to lay his head on Bowie once he builds up the courage to.

 

He feels his phone vibrate, worried it’s his mom, so he grabs it with one hand and opens it.

 

WAYNE: r u having fun :D

 

Raj laughs a little, showing Bowie after he asks what he’s laughing about.

 

yes, i am looking at stars w bowei

bowie*

WAYNE: im proud of you rajie

 

thank you wayner :)

 

He sets his phone back down, smiling, and tries to snuggle more into Bowie. The day reminds him of that day all those years ago, back in Kindergarten when he met Wayne. It’s the same month, similar temperature, it’s practically the same. It’s nostalgic. He’s pretty sure that in every universe, Wayne and him are best friends.

 

He’s glad to have a friend like Wayne.

Notes:

did u likeeee ittt :3