Chapter Text
Seoul, South Korea
December 10th, 8:23 PM
Suho
Meet me in the conference room in 5.
Jeongguk stares down at his phone screen, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he attempts to hide his smile. He looks up from his place leaned against his desk just in time to see Suho wink at him from across the room.
It had been almost two years since his and Suho’s relationship had come to a tragic end, when Suho had admitted to having a sexual relationship with a woman who supposedly works in the next office over. Jeongguk had been—unsurprisingly—completely torn up about it, and it had taken quite a while for him to even forgive Suho for it, let alone talk to him again.
But then Suho had shown up at his apartment with a vibrant bouquet of flowers, remorseful and ready to drop to his knees to beg for Jeongguk’s forgiveness. And he genuinely did seem to regret it, so why should Jeongguk throw away something so good over one little mistake?
…Okay, so perhaps it was several mistakes. Over a course of several weeks.
But, hey! Suho was really sorry.
The two of them agreed that perhaps jumping into a relationship right away wasn’t the best course of action, so they decided to keep things casual, focus on their friendship, mostly—with the occasional hookup thrown in here and there.
But now it’s been weeks, and it’s almost one of Jeongguk’s favorite (romantic) holidays, and he’s holding out hope that tonight will finally be the night Suho asks him to be his again. Which is why, at his company’s annual Christmas party, he’s trying to tamp down the restless butterflies in his stomach as he watches Suho head away from the crowd and down the hallway that leads to the conference room.
Jeongguk hurries over to his little cubicle so he can grab Suho’s present which he’d stashed in his desk drawer for this very opportunity. He lifts it carefully from the drawer, running his hand along the pretty green ribbon, tied around thick, scarlet wrapping paper.
It’s a book—admittedly, not the most original gift idea given Jeongguk and Suho’s profession as writers—but it’s the contents of the book that Jeongguk hopes gives the present a unique touch. Suho has been writing for Korea’s Seoul for about seven years now, and he’s amassed quite the collection of artfully crafted essays and articles, which Jeongguk believes are more than worthy to be published on physical paper.
They write for an online newspaper, and Jeongguk knows Suho has always longed to see his words printed in ink, so he figured compiling them into a beautifully bound hardcover book would be a gift worthy of Suho’s level of talent. He really, really hopes he likes it, and also that it doesn’t make Jeongguk come off as desperate for Suho’s love and admiration (though that wouldn’t exactly be a lie).
“Oh, no,” Jeongguk hears from his left, his eyes going wide as he whips his head over to look at Park Jimin—his best friend and favorite coworker—who’s standing there with his arms crossed, eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Not him. Tell me that’s not for him.”
Jeongguk belatedly realizes that Jimin is referring to the present in his hands, and he moves to hide it behind his back as if that’ll make Jimin magically forget of its existence. He doesn’t have to clarify who he is—Jimin has made it all too clear over the last couple years that he is not Suho’s biggest fan.
“Uhh…”
“Guk, come on,” Jimin says with a groan, his head rolling back as he leans against Jeongguk’s desk, adjacent to Jeongguk. “You told me that was over. You said you were done with him.”
“I am,” Jeongguk says defensively, fingers fidgeting nervously with the little bow on Suho’s present. “It’s just… a peace offering.”
“A peace—Jeongguk,” Jimin cuts off, shaking his head in disbelief. “He cheated on you. If there’s anyone who should be getting a peace offering it’s you, although it would be even better if he would just… leave you alone completely. Fucking dick…”
Being forced to work in close quarters with the person who broke your best friend’s heart has, unsurprisingly, made Jimin a little bit bitter, which Jeongguk can understand. It was slightly torturous, even for him, having to constantly proofread Suho’s columns for Korea’s Seoul, although he always did it with no complaint. Suho is a wonderful writer, so at least reading the material wasn’t a chore in itself.
Luckily, it wasn’t long before Jeongguk had worked his way up further enough to write his own material for the online newspaper, and Suho reading Jeongguk’s work and showering him with praises is just another way that he’s worked his way back into his heart.
“Jimin, it’s fine,” Jeongguk sighs, gently dropping the present on his desk before reaching out to pat Jimin’s shoulder in an attempt to soothe him. Jimin’s eyes narrow even more.
“Seriously, it’s not—it’s really nothing,” Jeongguk lies, trying to sound nonchalant. “We’ve just been… hanging out. Occasionally. It’s not like we’re getting back together.”
“You better not be,” Jimin says, taking Jeongguk’s hand from his shoulder and slipping it into his own. Jeongguk is able to savor the warmth and comfort for all of five seconds before it makes him sad because he has no significant other to always keep his hands warm. Being a hopeless romantic with little to no action in the romance department of his life is… hard . “I am not above kicking his ass if he lays a hand on you again.”
Jeongguk bites his lip, hating that he has to hide the fact that he’s sleeping with Suho from Jimin. He hates that he ever had to hide the relationship from anyone, actually, but he understands how hard it must be for Suho, being in his thirties with an established career and having to come out as queer to all your peers who already have a certain image of you in their heads. Jeongguk, on the other hand, had made it clear from the start that he was gay (he wasn’t exactly subtle with the little rainbow flag he keeps on his desk) so he’s never had anything to hide.
“You’re young, Jeongguk-ah,” Suho had told twenty-two year old Jeongguk when they’d just barely begun their relationship. “People are more accepting of different sexualities the younger you are, especially when they never believed you were straight in the first place. I’m thirty years old and everyone already believes I’m straight, so it could put my career in jeopardy if I were to tell everyone about us.”
Although it had made Jeongguk really sad to be Suho’s secret, ultimately, he understood. The sneaking around made him feel a little bit special, anyway. It felt nice to be desired.
“There will be no need for that,” Jeongguk responds with a nervous laugh, trying not to get defensive. Despite everything, Suho doesn’t deserve to get hurt—everyone makes mistakes, anyway. “Now go back to the party, okay? Look, I think Hoseokie hyung is looking for you.”
Jeongguk gestures to the other side of the room where Hoseok, Jimin’s boyfriend, is beaming at Jimin as he excitedly holds up two drinks, almost spilling them in the process. Hoseok doesn’t work with Jimin and Jeongguk—he teaches dance classes at a local dance studio—but everyone was allowed a plus-one for the party.
Jimin snorts, shaking his head as he smiles in what’s probably equal parts embarrassment and endearment. “Ah, my little lightweight. I better go over there before he tries to start an impromptu dance battle with one of our superiors. But I’m watching you,” Jimin warns, narrowing his eyes as he points at Jeongguk warningly.
“No need for that,” Jeongguk says, though he smiles at his friend in gratitude. Jimin has always looked out for him, ever since they met in college. He really does appreciate it, though it can feel a bit burdensome at times. “I’ll be back soon.”
Jimin gives Jeongguk one last lopsided smile and then he’s rejoining the crowd, Jeongguk grabbing Suho’s present again before heading in the opposite direction. A spark of something shoots through him when he sees that Suho has closed the blinds in the conference room, and he looks behind him to make sure no one is watching before slipping inside. The lights are off in the room so as to not draw suspicion, nothing but the muted colors of Seoul’s city nightlife illuminating the space.
“Jeongguk-ah,” Suho says in relief as Jeongguk shuts the door, and then he’s crowding Jeongguk against the door and kissing him passionately. Jeongguk gasps into the unexpected kiss, only needing a moment to compose himself before he’s kissing back. It’s weirdly desperate, Suho’s hands immediately slipping under Jeongguk’s sweater and grabbing at his hips as if it’s the last time he’ll ever do so.
“Hi,” Jeongguk says with a little surprised laugh as Suho finally pulls back, allowing both of them to catch their breath. He gets that familiar gooey feeling in his heart as he stares up at the man he loves, eyes roaming around his pretty features. He’s very classically handsome—a chiseled jawline and eyes that sparkle, raven hair that’s styled off of his forehead to reveal strong, dark eyebrows, not a single hair out of place. “Merry Christmas, hyung.”
“Merry Christmas, angel,” Suho echoes with a grin, pressing a soft kiss to Jeongguk’s temple as he cradles him against his body. Jeongguk isn’t sure if he’s just imagining it, but there seems to be a touch of sorrow in his eyes. He forces down his apprehension, instead focusing on the sweet pet name Suho uses only once in a blue moon; on the way it has his stomach swarming with butterflies. “Is this for me?”
Jeongguk blinks a couple times, his eyes already feeling a bit glassy, as he focuses on the object to which Suho is referring—the present in his hand.
“Ah, yes,” Jeongguk says with a nervous chuckle, reluctantly pulling away from Suho so he can hand it to him.
“You didn’t have to do that, babe,” Suho says, accepting the gift and turning it over in his hands, a hint of surprise on his features from its sturdiness. “What is it?”
“Open it,” Jeongguk says before biting his lip, not wanting to appear too giddy. He wants it to seem like it wasn’t a big deal, making this gift, although it took him many, many weeks to compile the words, work with an online publisher, and have the book designed. It was a huge deal, actually, but Suho doesn’t need to know that.
Suho smirks as he tugs at the bow, slowly pulling it undone and letting it drop to the floor. Jeongguk’s heart begins to pound as Suho slips a finger under the vibrant wrapping paper, sliding it to unstick the tape and revealing the ornate, cobalt cover. It’s stylized to look like a first edition print of one of the classics, front and back covers adorned with foiled gold borders, the words “Korea’s Seoul: An Incomplete Oeuvre of Choi Suho” etched onto the cover in a majestic, aureate font.
“Oh, Gukkie,” Suho breathes out as he takes it in, a finger dragging over the gold letters almost reverently. “What…”
“I compiled some of what—in my opinion—are your best works so far, because I know how much you’ve always wanted to see your writing published. You know, with ink on paper, I mean,” Jeongguk clarifies with a nervous laugh. “I think you’re an exceptional writer and I wish I could print millions of copies so the whole world could be blessed with the creations of your mind, but I suppose this is a start. I know it’s not much but—”
Jeongguk is cut off by a searing kiss, and it only takes a second for him to melt into Suho’s embrace, the hardcover now pressed against his lower back as he reaches up to wrap his arms around Suho’s neck. The kiss lasts longer than he expected, and that slight desperation is back, and both of them are breathing heavily when the kiss finally breaks.
“D’you like it?” Jeongguk asks, his eyes wide as he stares up at Suho, the sight of the older man with kiss-swollen lips and hooded eyes every bit as alluring as it was the first time he’d seen it in this very conference room all those years ago.
“I love it,” Suho whispers back, shaking his head, though his expression doesn’t really match his words. There’s a crease between his eyebrows, and he looks almost guilty, like he feels bad that Jeongguk got him something, like…
Oh.
“It’s okay if you didn’t get me anything,” Jeongguk rushes out, because if that is what Suho feels bad about, he doesn’t want him to. He wasn’t expecting anything in return—Suho has never really been big on gifts, anyway. “I know you’re not very into celebrating Christmas anyway, so don’t worry if—”
“It’s not that,” Suho interrupts, shaking his head. His arms slowly slip away from Jeongguk’s waist as Suho takes a couple steps back, and Jeongguk immediately misses his warmth. “No, I actually did get you something, although I left it at my apartment.”
“Oh,” Jeongguk says, pleasantly surprised. But he doesn’t allow a smile to creep onto his face like it wants to because Suho still looks uneasy and Jeongguk is still concerned. “Then…?”
It’s silent for a moment, and Suho’s frown deepens, and anxiety begins to bloom in Jeongguk’s stomach. “Gukkie, there’s, uh… something that I need to talk to you about.”
Uh oh. A talk. This is never good.
Jeongguk is suddenly transported back to a couple years prior, the day Suho had admitted to Jeongguk that he had cheated, and subsequently asked to end their relationship. He wills himself to relax a bit, though, because it’s not like Suho could’ve cheated again—they’re not even in a relationship to begin with.
“Okay…” Jeongguk says slowly, hating that Suho suddenly can’t look him in the eye. “What’s going on?”
“Well… It’s just that, uh—”
“Suho-ssi!” someone calls from a distance, both of them jumping in surprise, their little bubble popped. Suho immediately takes several steps back as if Jeongguk is toxic, and he drops the book on the conference table with a dull thud.
“We should probably get back to the party,” Suho rushes out, frowning down at the floor. “I think they’re wondering where we are.”
He says we, but Jeongguk knows that probably no one is looking for Jeongguk. No, only someone as popular as Suho would really be missed at a party like this. He’s one of the most beloved writers in the office, and it’s a wonder that he ever even glanced in Jeongguk’s direction.
“Ah, yeah,” Jeongguk responds anyway, stepping away from the door so that Suho can leave. He’s used to this part—watching Suho leave, waiting a minute or so before leaving himself so that no one gets suspicious and puts two and two together. He doesn’t want to imagine the headache that he and Suho being caught together at the company party would cause.
Suho opens the door only a few inches before freezing, finally turning his head to look at Jeongguk.
“Guk…” he whispers, eyes full of remorse. Jeongguk remains silent as Suho turns his body toward him, leaning down to plant one last parting kiss on Jeongguk’s lips. “I’m sorry.”
Jeongguk isn’t even given a chance to ask what the hell that means before Suho is slipping out the door and shutting it quietly behind him. Jeongguk just stands and stares at where Suho had just been, frowning at the gentle tingling on his lips, the lack of warmth against them. Something tells him that may be the last kiss he’ll ever receive from Suho.
He realizes after a moment that Suho had left his book on the table, and he grabs it with a sigh before exiting the room himself. He takes a quick detour to Suho’s little office—which he’d moved into after being promoted to editor-in-chief—quietly slipping inside and setting the book on Suho’s desk before rejoining the party. No one seems to have noticed his absence, and he shoots a warm smile to a few of his colleagues as he heads through the crowd to find Jimin and Hoseok.
“Alright, alright, may I have everyone’s attention, please?” Jeongguk hears one of the paper’s sports journalists, Seojun, say. The excited chatter in the room begins to die out as everyone turns to one end of the room, where Seojun is standing on a chair so he can see the entire crowd. “Hello, everyone! Thank you so much for being here tonight at our annual Christmas party. What a successful year we’ve had, don’t you think?”
The room erupts in cheers, probably a little louder than they would be normally considering the fact that everyone’s been drinking, and Jeongguk halfheartedly joins in, biting his tongue as he claps a few times. He attempts to smile cheerily as Jimin sidles up next to him and throws an arm around his shoulders, but his best friend sees right through him.
“You okay?” he mouths as Seojun continues speaking about the successes of the paper in the past year, and Jeongguk immediately nods his head, not wanting Jimin to worry. Jimin raises a brow suspiciously at the—probably pained—look on Jeongguk’s face, but the younger man just squeezes Jimin’s waist to appease him.
“I’m fine,” Jeongguk whispers into his ear when Jimin narrows his eyes. “Just tired. Been a long day.”
Jimin nods sympathetically, ruffling Jeongguk’s hair as they both turn their attention back to Seojun.
“Now, we have quite the announcement to make,” Seojun says, words a bit slurred, a giddy look on his face. “It seems that love is in the air this time of year, because one of our own—yah, Suho sunbae-nim, get up here!”
The crowd laughs at the mixture of formal and informal speech, everyone seemingly letting it slide due to the casual nature of the party. Fresh anxiety settles in Jeongguk’s stomach as he watches Suho step onto the chair next to Seojun, any trace of his previous discomfort long gone. He’s positively glowing, his teeth glinting in the party lights as he smiles, looking completely at ease under the attention of the entire room of people. He’s always been a charmer.
“Alright, everyone, listen up,” Seojun commands as he wraps an arm around Suho’s broad shoulders. “I’d just like to be the first to congratulate our beloved editor-in-chief on his engagement to the esteemed director of our neighboring paper— The Seoul Herald— Jang Miyoung!”
The crowd erupts in raucous cheers as the woman, Miyoung— the very same woman with whom Suho had cheated on Jeongguk two years back—climbs onto the chair next to him, Suho immediately pressing a kiss to her perfectly made-up face as he wraps both arms around her waist to steady her.
Jeongguk is frozen. Jimin’s arm around him goes rigid.
“Isn’t this just the most cliché, adorable love story you can imagine?” Seojun coos as Suho and Miyoung look at each other with stars in their eyes. “A classic tale of two souls who are meant to be rivals, falling in love against all odds. Maybe The Seoul Herald isn’t so bad after all!”
There’s a mixture of laughter and ‘boo’s amongst the crowd, though it’s all good-natured. The two papers are technically rivals, yes, but they’ve lived harmoniously in the same office building for many years and it’s not uncommon for their writers to be seen fraternizing with each other.
“Oh, Guk,” Jeongguk hears Jimin’s sad voice in his ear, and it’s then that he realizes in horror that his eyes have begun watering. Even so, he can’t tear them away from Suho’s stupidly pretty face.
“Thank you, everyone,” Suho says happily, arms still wrapped around his… fiancée . “I am absolutely ecstatic to be marrying the love of my life—my sweet Miyoung. We thank you in advance for your support as we start our lives together.”
There are more cheers and happy chatter throughout the room, but it all falls on deaf ears—all Jeongguk can hear is the loud, incessant buzzing in his head, the erratic pounding of his broken heart. It’s then that Suho’s gaze finally sweeps over in Jeongguk’s direction, his movement freezing when their eyes meet. Several emotions flash in Suho’s eyes at once as he stares at Jeongguk above the crowd, the most prevalent one being guilt. His brows furrow as he watches a tear escape Jeongguk’s eye, and it only deepens as he takes in the resounding hurt that must paint Jeongguk’s features.
It almost looks like he begins to mouth something like “I’m sorry” in Jeongguk’s direction, but Jeongguk doesn’t stick around long enough to find out. He shrugs Jimin’s arm off of his shoulders as he turns and weaves through the crowd, making sure to duck his head down so that no one can see the tears that are now cascading freely down his face. He quickly beelines to his cubicle so he can grab his coat before hurrying toward the exit, Jimin hot on his trail.
“Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin calls after him, but Jeongguk doesn’t turn back. He can’t be here right now. He can’t.
“Jeonggukkie, wait,” Jimin persists, Jeongguk squeezing his eyes shut when Jimin finally catches up to him, grabbing his wrist and forcing him to stop.
“Oh, honey…” Jimin coos when he sees the tears glistening on Jeongguk’s cheeks, and Jeongguk finally lets out a sob when Jimin pulls him into his arms.
They’re far enough away from everyone now that no one can see, so Jeongguk lets himself break down in his best friend’s arms, lets Jimin smother him in sympathetic affection.
“You’re way too good for him, anyway, sweetheart,” Jimin says, a bitter edge to his voice that Jeongguk really doesn’t want to hear right now. “You’re gonna find someone so good, Gukkie, someone who cherishes and appreciates you the way you deserve—”
“Jeongguk-ah,” a desperate voice sounds from a few feet away, Jimin’s body going rigid again. Jeongguk buries his face into Jimin’s neck as he prays for a hole to open up in the floor and swallow him, because he really doesn’t think he can face Suho right now. Doesn’t think he can handle seeing the pity in his brown eyes.
“Haven’t you done enough?” Jimin snaps, pulling Jeongguk closer protectively. “Seriously, fuck off, dude. You’re not technically my boss so I can say that.”
“Jeongguk-ah, I’m sorry,” Suho says, ignoring Jimin completely. “I wanted to tell you earlier, really, I just—”
“I said. Fuck. Off,” Jimin growls, and Jeongguk resists a shiver at the iciness of his tone.
Jeongguk still hasn’t lifted his head, but there’s a small part of him that longs to feel Suho’s arms wrap around him again, pull him against his body and whisper apologies into his hair, lie and tell Jeongguk he’s the only one for him. But instead there’s just a long silence, and then the sound of footsteps receding. Jeongguk lets out another sob.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Jimin finally whispers, his small hands rubbing soothing circles into Jeongguk’s back. “I know how much you liked him. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Jeonggukkie?” Hoseok’s concerned voice sounds from the edge of the room, and Jeongguk once again wishes he could disappear. He really doesn’t want anyone seeing him like this; it’s humiliating.
“I got it, Hoseokie,” Jimin reassures, probably sensing Jeongguk’s discomfort. “You can go back to the party, I’ll be there soon, alright?”
“Okay…” Hoseok says hesitantly, and Jeongguk finally peeks at him to see the sadness on his features. Jimin swore that he never told his boyfriend about Jeongguk’s broken relationship with Suho, but Hoseok is definitely smart enough to put the puzzle pieces together. “I’m sorry, Guk. Just know I’m here for you if you need, okay?”
Jeongguk gives a tiny nod, and Hoseok smiles sympathetically one last time before turning and leaving.
“I’m gonna go,” Jeongguk whispers, finally pulling away from Jimin. There is nothing that he wants more than to be alone and cry this out right now.
“I’ll go with you,” Jimin says immediately, his hands on Jeongguk’s shoulders protectively. “Let me just tell Hoseok we’re leaving real quick and then—”
“No,” Jeongguk interrupts, frantically shaking his head. “You stay. I need to be alone right now.”
“Guk, are you sure? I don’t know if—”
“Positive,” Jeongguk says, forcing a small smile as he wipes the tears from his cheeks. “I’ll be fine.”
Jimin doesn’t say anything, his narrowed eyes fixated on Jeongguk’s face as if he’s internally debating whether he should believe Jeongguk or not.
“Seriously,” Jeongguk reassures, his smile probably growing more twisted as he attempts to widen it. “I’ll call you if I need anything, okay? Don’t worry about me.”
“Not possible,” Jimin says with a pout, though Jeongguk can tell he’s finally won. He sighs as Jimin pulls him into one last bear hug, one hand rubbing Jeongguk’s lower back as the other threads through his dark hair protectively. “Text me when you get home safe, okay?”
“Okay,” Jeongguk agrees as he pulls back, giving Jimin a resigned smile as he pulls his coat on and turns to leave. He gives up on trying to hold his tears back as he boards the elevator, his eyes fluttering shut as he leans against the wall, his head falling back against the surface with a soft thump.
What a great fucking night.
He remembers how optimistic he’d felt opening that conference room door, his heart full of hope that Suho would finally want Jeongguk the same way Jeongguk wanted him. The corner of his lips tug down in a bitter frown as he thinks about how naive he’d been, how utterly embarrassed he is that he’d so blatantly worn his heart on his sleeve in front of someone who was never really going to do the same.
The worst part, though, is that he can’t really be mad at Suho—not with how much adoration he still holds in his heart for him. He feels horribly dejected, and his heart feels like it’s shattered into a million pieces… but he’s not angry the way he wants to be. Couldn’t hate Suho even if he tried.
He fully intends to make the ten minute walk to his empty, lonely apartment when he exits his company’s building, but his feet end up taking him in the opposite direction—right toward the Han river.
It’s not snowing but it is freezing, and Jeongguk feels the chill settle deep in his bones as he makes his way toward the water; toward the very bridge where he and Suho would take walks at night, admiring the bright city lights reflecting off the sleek, black water. He’d always thought it was so romantic, the way their arms would brush as they walked, the anticipation that maybe Suho would sneak a kiss when no one was looking, but now it just makes him feel pathetic. Pathetic that Suho would only ever go out with Jeongguk while wearing a face mask and hat, making him nearly unrecognizable. Pathetic that he refused to hold his hand even all the way across town from where they worked, because he was too afraid of being seen as ‘unprofessional’ should they come across one of their colleagues.
He really has always been Suho’s dirty little secret. Ironic that he’d let himself be swept into that kind of situation when Jeongguk has always been one to love loudly, has always longed to be shown off by his significant other. He’d wished that Suho would just stop being scared, would intertwine their fingers even outside of the bedroom—the only place Suho would love him freely.
And even then, it wasn’t exactly free. He was always looking over his shoulder, out of habit, as if someone could walk in and catch him balls deep in Jeongguk even in the privacy of Jeongguk’s tiny studio apartment. He’d never say ‘I love you’ to Jeongguk unless they were having sex, unless Jeongguk said it first. Always an automatic response, never a declaration. Jeongguk had been the one to say it first, and that never changed.
Perhaps Jeongguk is just asking for too much. Perhaps he should stop reading those stupid romance books, should stop watching those corny romcoms and hoping, wishing , that he’d find what the main characters had. Maybe he needs to stop being so unrealistic; stop expecting more than what the world has to offer him. Maybe then he won’t end up here, walking along the Han river alone, staring at the water and realizing that the reflective lights aren’t so pretty now that he’s alone. Now they illuminate his isolation, literally shedding light on the fact that he’s lonely and unloved.
They feel too bright, now, make him feel too exposed, though he’s nearly alone on the bridge save for the occasional car passing by. Suddenly he wants nothing more than to be in complete darkness; as dark as the unlit, murky water in the distance.
He fully zones out as he makes his way home, his fingers and toes nearly numb by the time he’s unlocking his apartment door. It’s completely dark except for the soft glow of the streetlights seeping in through his shutters, and he doesn’t bother turning the lights on. Doesn’t bother doing much of anything, actually, before crossing to his bed and climbing under the covers, finally letting go and crying out all of his pain, all of his sorrow.
Perhaps Jeongguk is just asking for too much.
❅❆❅
Los Angeles, California, USA
December 10th, 8:17 AM
“Get out.”
“Tae, come on. Just let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain. I said get the fuck out of my house.”
Taehyung groans as his boyfriend—correction, ex- boyfriend—Leo Adair clings to him like a petulant five year old child throwing a tantrum. Taehyung actually has to resist laughing at the absolute forced devastation on Leo’s face, on the crocodile tears brimming in his icy blue eyes.
Taehyung had been up in San Francisco since the 3rd for work and decided it would be a cute surprise for his boyfriend to fly home a day early, only to find him asleep in Taehyung’s bed with another man. Furious, Taehyung gave them a (literal) rude awakening by banging two metal pans together, right above their heads. The man—who was so remarkably forgettable that Taehyung couldn’t even tell you his hair color—had immediately fled, not even giving Leo a single word as he ran half-naked from Taehyung’s house.
And that left… Leo. Taehyung’s dishonest, good-for-nothing, unfaithful ex-boyfriend.
Taehyung had all but interrogated him, asking him who the man was, if they were having sex, how long this had been going on. Leo has always been a lousy liar, so it didn’t take long for Taehyung to squeeze the truth out of him: he’d been having an affair with this man—some aspiring actor that Leo had met at a casting call—for nearly a year now, using Taehyung’s frequent work trips to their advantage. It nearly makes Taehyung sick to know that his boyfriend has been fucking some stranger in the very same bed in which Taehyung sleeps every night.
“You have to understand, I made a mistake,” Leo whines, Taehyung barking a laugh as he attempts to shake Leo’s hands off of his arm.
“One singular mistake, sure,” Taehyung says sarcastically, rolling his eyes again. “I’m sure that’s what you were thinking every time you were getting your dick wet with another man.”
“It’s true, you have to believe me,” Leo says, (unfortunately) following behind as Taehyung makes his way to their—now just his— bedroom. He watches helplessly as Taehyung enters the walk-in closet, grabbing any of Leo’s clothes he can see and throwing them onto the floor of the bedroom. “I never loved him. I just—it was—”
“Just a bit of fun, right?” Taehyung says, turning back to Leo with an amused smirk. He can’t help but laugh at the pathetic, childish behavior of the person he thought he loved, despite how furious he feels at the betrayal.
“Yes,” Leo breathes out, his eyes flooding with relief, clearly mistaking Taehyung’s smile for empathy.
“You poor thing,” Taehyung croons, deciding to play along. Leo’s eyes grow even wider as Taehyung walks over to him slowly, lifting a hand to cup his cheek as he pouts. “Let me guess—you were just so damn lonely on those nights I was working late, in different cities, neglecting my sweet boyfriend, right? Missed me so badly that you just had to stick your dick in someone else and pretend it was me instead? Because you just love me that much?”
“Y-Yes…?” Leo responds hesitantly, leaning into Taehyung’s touch, uncertainty in his eyes as if he can’t tell if Taehyung is being serious or not. “You… you were never home. And most of the time you were home, you were too t-tired to fuck. Which is fine! But y-you know I have a very high libido... I need sex, Tae.”
“It’s okay, darling, I understand,” Taehyung says sweetly, forcing down his disgust as he moves even closer to Leo, running a hand through his dirty-blonde hair.
“You… you do?” Leo squeaks out, placing a hesitant hand on Taehyung’s hip. He kind of wants to throw up.
“Of course, baby,” Taehyung says with a smile, Leo tensing when Taehyung’s grip on his hair tightens almost painfully. “It’s my fault for being such a horrible boyfriend, always working hard to provide this beautiful house for us; buy you all those expensive clothes while you sit around doing jack shit, parading around LA in your little Gucci sweaters. I can’t imagine how tough this all has been for you.”
A hint of fear flashes in Leo’s eyes as Taehyung leans in even closer, Leo’s nostrils flaring as he clearly forces himself not to back away.
“I… I feel like you’re m-maybe not being very sincere right now,” Leo whispers, flinching when Taehyung chuckles under his breath. There’s a thump sound and then a loud shriek of pain, Taehyung stepping back just in time for Leo to double over, hands cradling his dick—which Taehyung had just kneed, hard.
“Of course I’m not being sincere, dumbass,” Taehyung says with a scoff, grabbing a handful of some of the few clothes of Leo’s that Taehyung didn’t pay for himself. He waits for Leo to stand upright again before shoving them into his arms and forcefully turning him around, scoffing as he stumbles out of the bedroom doorway. “There’s no good excuse for cheating on your damn boyfriend. Now get the fuck out of my place and don’t come back. Send someone to collect your stuff or don’t, I don’t give a fuck.”
“Tae, please,” Leo begs, nearly tripping as he walks backwards toward the front door. “I care about you too much to lose you, please let’s work this out.”
“Oh, please ,” Taehyung scoffs, picking up a shirt that Leo had dropped and throwing it with surprising force at his face as Leo dodges it. “You can barely even say my name, Leo. We’ve been together for three years. ”
Leo slows to a stop, frowning at Taehyung. “‘Course I can say your name… Your name’s Tae,” he says in confusion. Taehyung rolls his eyes for what feels like the hundredth time.
“I’m talking about my full name, obviously.”
“It’s… it’s Tae- hyung,” Leo says slowly, awkwardly, clearly unused to speaking the name aloud.
“Wow, ten out of ten pronunciation,” Taehyung says sarcastically, motioning for Leo to turn around and keep walking. “You don’t even really care about me, Leo, don’t delude yourself. You don’t care enough to learn about my culture, which I’ve made very clear is very important to me. You barely know what I do for work, although you have no problems spending my money and using me for connections. I actually don’t know why I’ve even let you stick around this long,” Taehyung mutters, feeling shame burn in his stomach because he should know. He should know better to have more respect for himself, know his worth and know when to put his foot down and tell his pathetic boyfriend to get lost.
Because when he really thinks about it… he’d known something was going on with Leo. They’d barely had sex in the last year, and half the time when they did, Leo would have this ever-present look of guilt on his face. And he’d constantly text Taehyung when he was away, asking when he’d be home even though Taehyung had told him all the details of his trip already. Taehyung had told himself it was because Leo just missed him, wanted him to return as soon as possible, but… deep down, he thinks he knew. Leo had always been a bit flighty, and Taehyung was terribly naive to think that Leo could’ve possibly been completely faithful to him for so many years.
“I know what you do for work!” Leo argues, his eyes wide as he turns to look at Taehyung, both of them still walking. Taehyung remains silent, though he raises a questioning brow.
“You’re an, um… You do—oh!” Leo exclaims, his face lighting up. “You direct movie trailers.”
Taehyung just blinks at him in disappointment, watching as Leo’s smile fades.
“No…?”
Taehyung groans again, tangling his fingers in his blue hair and wondering what the hell is wrong with him for allowing this dumb man to live with him for so long.
“I produce movie trailers. There is no such thing as a director for movie trailers, Leo, the movie director directs the movie and then I, the producer, take certain clips and splice them together and then add—fuck, why am I even explaining this to you?” Taehyung mutters, crossing his arms. “You’re literally an aspiring actor, you should know these things.”
“I’m not an aspiring actor, I am an actor,” Leo corrects with a huff.
“Shooting one erectile dysfunction commercial after years of being rejected for bigger roles doesn’t make you an actor, babe,” Taehyung deadpans, finally deciding he’s had enough as he begins dragging Leo toward the front door, not caring about the clothes that fall from his arms.
“It so does count!” Leo argues, though he follows along obediently. “The director said I have wonderful potential and a bright future, thank you very much!”
“Uh huh,” Taehyung says as he finally makes it to his fancy double iron front door, opening one of them and guiding Leo through the doorway. “I’m sure I’ll see you in one of my trailers that I direct someday. Because even with all my connections and recommendations you still weren’t able to book an actual role. Can’t buy talent, I guess. Have a nice life, darling.”
Taehyung doesn’t allow a response before slamming the door in Leo’s face, standing frozen as he waits for him to retreat. He sighs when he finally begins walking away, turning to lean against the door and closing his eyes as the silence echoes around him.
Because it does, echo. This house is so big, way too damn big for two people, let alone one. And now Taehyung has absolutely no one to share it with.
Is any of this even worth it? All the success, all the money, the prestige and popularity… is it even worth it when it all feels so hollow?
Because as much as Taehyung hates to admit it, even though he’s lived with a man who supposedly loved him for the past several years, it always felt so cheap. The sex was good, and there was so much passion at first, but… it was always so unfulfilling.
It’s not that Taehyung even hates his life or his job, because really, he is incredibly lucky. He lives in one of the nicest neighborhoods in California and has a career that he could only dream of when he was a child. He has so much fun working with a team of equally passionate people and ending up with perfectly polished, unmistakably cool movie trailers that are shown in thousands of movie theaters around the world. He loves that the work he does inspires other people; that it sparks excitement and anticipation and draws people to the theaters. He always wanted to work in the film industry growing up and he’s grateful every day that against all odds, despite growing up with practically no money or connections, his dreams managed to come true.
But the ugly truth is… Taehyung is lonely. Lonelier than he’d like to admit, even lonelier than when he was putting himself through college while working two draining jobs, living alone in a small, run-down LA apartment that he could barely afford.
And he hasn’t allowed himself to be alone long enough to admit this to himself… until now.
Taehyung is horribly lonely, and this house is too big, and his entire relationship has been a lie, and he needs to get out. Christmas is only a couple weeks away and he hasn’t even had the time to decorate his house, doesn’t have anyone to spend the holiday with, doesn’t know if he’ll ever have anyone to spend the holiday with again and—
Taehyung needs to leave. Right now, this is all he’s sure of.
❅❆❅
Seoul, South Korea
December 11th, 2:46 AM
It’s impulsive, Jeongguk knows it is. He’s never been one to just up and leave, to do something or go somewhere without weeks of prior planning. But his house feels way too small, too suffocating, and everything is reminding him of Suho.
His kitchen, where Suho serenaded him—too loudly—as Jeongguk cooked him dinner, the sound of their giggles echoing off the walls. His too-small couch, which he and Suho cuddled up on to watch You’ve Got Mail or 27 Dresses or whatever other cheesy romance movie Jeongguk was in the mood for. His bed, where he and Suho made love on those quiet, sleepless nights together when no one in the universe but the two of them existed.
It’s too small, too much, and Jeongguk can’t stay here for another day.
Which is how he finds himself wrapped in a fluffy blanket sitting at his tiny kitchen table, hunched over his laptop as he types ‘Best places to go when you need to get away from everything’ into the Naver search bar.
Most of the results that come up are sponsored articles from resorts or hotels or businesses who claim to have the best vacation packages, the prettiest places to stay. But Jeongguk can’t really see himself sitting on a warm beach at a fancy resort on the other side of the world, or cuddled up in a snowy cabin sipping hot chocolate all by himself as he wallows in self-pity.
No, he doesn’t really want a vacation . He wants a new life.
Frustrated with the lack of viable options, he hurriedly adds on ‘reddit’ to the end of his search result before pressing enter again, because at least this way he’ll see answers from actual people, not just flashy ads from businesses.
Most of the posts he finds are just people boasting about their picture-perfect vacations, hundreds upon hundreds of hotel and destination recommendations, which isn’t really what Jeongguk is looking for.
He doesn’t really know what he is looking for, exactly, because the idea of switching lives with someone is entirely unrealistic, and he’s about a minute away from giving up, downing a couple bottles of Soju and crying himself to sleep. But then… something catches his eye.
‘Super fun and unique trip idea for those looking for something less conventional than the usual resort vacation.’
The post has less than a hundred upvotes, and Jeongguk almost skips over it entirely because surely it’s just clickbait and reddit user u/wannagetaway71 can’t actually have that unique of an idea.
But something inside Jeongguk prompts him to click the link, so he does. And his jaw drops when he reads the first sentence of the post.
‘Do you ever have this feeling that you’re really sick of your own life, and wish you could just… swap it with someone else’s?’
Jeongguk nods vehemently as if the author of the post is actually talking to him directly, before continuing on.
‘Well, that was me a few months ago. I scoured the internet for hours looking for some kind of solution, because I wasn’t really looking for some fancy schmancy trip to the Hamptons or something of the sort, but I wasn’t really satisfied with any of the results. But then I came across this website…’
Jeongguk’s eyes go wide as his cursor hovers over the linked website, letsexchangehomes.com , and he hesitantly clicks on it, hoping it’s not some scam website.
But the homepage is flooded with listings of seemingly real homes from seemingly real people, and Jeongguk’s heart begins beating faster as he reads the little synopsis at the top of the site.
‘Looking to get away, without breaking the bank? Exchange your home for someone else’s today!’
Jeongguk’s first reaction is excitement, because having someone’s actual home all to himself rather than staying in a generic hotel sounds like exactly what he’s looking for. But then he looks around, his heart sinking because… who would want to stay in his shitty little apartment?
It’s a studio, so it’s very tiny, and his apartment complex isn’t exactly the best—the elevator hasn’t worked in months and there are about a dozen problems in Jeongguk’s unit alone that the landlord refuses to fix. Its only redeeming quality, he supposes, is that it lives in the heart of Seoul, and it’s about a ten to fifteen minute walk from the best of the city’s nightlife—dazzling clubs, delicious restaurants, the beautiful Han river…
Yes, Jeongguk could work with that. He’s a writer, after all—he’s great at making things sound more appealing than they actually are. But then he feels a bit guilty, because would that be considered deceptive?
No, not if he’s honest about the size and state of his apartment, as well. He can do this. He can make his life sound fun and exciting and vacation-worthy. Because it maybe could be, if Jeongguk put himself out there more.
And if no one goes for it, then at least he knows he tried. No harm done.
Jeongguk spends the next couple hours furiously tidying up his apartment, cleaning it until it’s spotless as he sings along to Christmas music, his mood having improved considerably. He takes a quick break to text Jimin back to let him know that, really—he’s alright, before returning to his task. It’s not long before he’s taking a plethora of pictures for the listing and sitting down to type out an appealing little summary of his living situation in Seoul. He can’t help the giddy smile that appears on his face as he hits ‘post,’ his heart freezing for a moment as he watches the listing go public.
He’ll admit that he did a pretty good job of making his claustrophobic apartment look cozy and inviting, of making his sleepy little part of Seoul sound like a can’t-miss vacation destination. He really, really hopes that it appeals to someone.
Now, the search begins.
He could just wait a bit, let someone come to him, because he’s honestly fine to go anywhere, so long as it’s far, far away from where he is now. He already has his passport ready from the time he studied abroad in Japan during college, and he has a bit of money saved up so purchasing a plane ticket won’t be too big of a burden.
But who knows how long that could take, especially since he’s a new account with no prior exchanges and the algorithm might not really take to him because of that. So he clicks onto the ‘browse’ page and begins his search.
Jeongguk isn’t too big a fan of the cold, so he’d love to go somewhere a bit warmer, if possible; maybe a home that’s not quite as cramped. There’s a listing in Australia that catches his eye, but the lister is only interested in traveling to Europe. He considers Mexico, Thailand, Italy… but nothing really feels right. He knows he’s probably being too picky by hoping for larger apartments, more wide-open spaces, especially when he doesn’t have much to offer himself.
But then…
He sees it.
NEW LISTING : Los Angeles, California. Large home in spacious Beverly Hills. Thirty minute drive to the beach. Car provided. Looking for an even exchange, no extra payment required (even if your home is smaller).
California. Beautiful, warm, sunny California.
Jeongguk has always wanted to visit the US, and California has always appealed to him. His English isn’t amazing, but it’s extensive enough to hold conversations, and with all the translator apps that exist he’s not too worried about it anyway. And the best part is that it’s a thirteen hour flight from Seoul. Thirteen hours from Choi Suho and Jang Miyoung and thirteen hours from Jeongguk’s sad, lonely life here in South Korea.
It’s perfect.
Jeongguk excitedly clicks on the link, scrolling through the pictures—the many, many pictures—of what’s seemingly a fucking mansion, every inch of the home luxurious and beautiful. There aren’t many additional details in the full description, and it almost seems to have been written in a hurry, but Jeongguk doesn’t even care. He doesn’t need details, he just needs a place to stay.
He clicks on the ‘message host’ button, watching as a little chat window pops up with user kimth95.
Kim… a woman, maybe? Not that it matters to Jeongguk, but he can’t help but feel curious about the person whose house he’d be living in for… how long, even? Jeongguk hadn’t thought that far ahead yet.
He doesn’t ever really do much for Christmas, except for the occasional visit home to his family in Busan every few years, so it’s not like he minds being away from home for the holiday. The holiday really isn’t a big deal to anyone in his life, which is something he’d always been sort of sad about, but he feels a fresh wave of excitement when he remembers that Christmas is a much bigger deal in America than it is in South Korea. He supposes he’ll just say that he’s flexible, that he doesn’t care how long the exchange is for, though he sort of hopes it’ll be for a couple weeks at the very least.
It seems a little too good to be true, honestly, because why would some rich person with a fancy home want to stay in his tiny little apartment during the coldest part of the year in Seoul? But there’s no harm in trying. Maybe he’ll get very, very lucky.
He takes deep breaths as he carefully composes a message in English, double checking on three different translation sites and reading over it ten more times before hitting send.
jeon_jk: Hello! My name is Jeon Jeongguk, and I am very interested in your listing. I don’t know if you’re interested in traveling to Seoul, South Korea, but if you are, I would be very happy to exchange homes with you for however long you’d like. Please let me know what you think. Thank you! :)
Jeongguk is fully prepared to stand and begin pacing as he waits for a response, because who knows how long that will take, but he doesn’t even have time. His laptop pings with a new message within thirty seconds.
kimth95: hey jeongguk
kimth95: thx for the message, i’m surprised someone responded so fast lol
kimth95: i was actually born in daegu and have been wanting an excuse to visit korea… maybe this is a sign?🤔
Jeongguk’s eyes go wide as he reads and rereads the messages, translating them into Korean just in case he read it wrong.
Maybe this is a sign?
Jeongguk scrambles to write a response.
jeon_jk: Maybe it is! :D
jeon_jk: I know my apartment isn’t very big but I promise it’s very close to a lot of cool places in Seoul. I can even put together a list of recommendations of activities and restaurants if you wanted.
kimth95: that would be sick
kimth95: how long were you wanting to stay?
jeon_jk: I’m pretty flexible, so whatever works for you. But preferably at least a week or two…
kimth95: works for me. were you wanting to be home by christmas?
jeon_jk: Honestly, I don’t care.
kimth95: perfect, me neither🙏
kimth95: you ever been to LA?
jeon_jk: Nope! This would be my first time. My English isn’t the best so I’m a little nervous haha, but I’m very excited!
kimth95: hey for what it’s worth your english is great to me haha
kimth95: plus we’re used to foreigners here so people are usually pretty willing to try to communicate if you need something
jeon_jk: Ah, that’s only because I’m using Papago :3 But I’m glad to hear that.
jeon_jk: And hey… are you sure you’re looking for an even exchange? Your place is really nice.
kimth95: yeah i don’t really care where i stay as long as it’s not here lol. i’m not too picky
kimth95: besides your place looks rly cute. cozy :) is it cold there rn?
jeon_jk: A bit, yeah… You’ll definitely want to bundle up. It doesn’t usually snow too much in December, though, so that probably won’t be an issue.
jeon_jk: How about LA? Is it warm there?
kimth95: pretty warm, tho definitely not as warm as in the summers lol. high at this time of year is usually like… in the 70s?
kimth95: oh shit sorry that’s like 20ish degrees celsius
kimth95: forgot we’re annoying and use fahrenheit for some reason LOL
kimth95: guess there’s gonna be a bit of a culture shock for me, huh?
Jeongguk smiles to himself, thoroughly enjoying this conversation. He hadn’t even really thought about that aspect of the trip, yet, but he supposes it will be quite the adjustment, especially for someone who’s never even left Asia.
jeon_jk: For me, too xD
jeon_jk: Hey, can I ask your name?
kimth95: oh right! sorry
kimth95: forgot i hadn’t told you. it’s taehyung kim
Taehyung Kim. A guy, then. Jeongguk wonders how old he is, if he’s single or married or if his reason for leaving is that he’s tired of his life, too, but Jeongguk doesn’t want to pry. He supposes there’s one thing that would be alright to ask.
jeon_jk: Cool! It’s nice to meet you, Taehyung :)
jeon_jk: Will you be traveling alone?
kimth95: yup, just me! what about you?
jeon_jk: Just me!
kimth95: oh, good. my house is really only big enough for one person.
Jeongguk snorts, amused by Taehyung’s sarcasm. He’s grateful that he seems very nice and friendly, and he clearly has a sense of humor, so Jeongguk already feels pretty at ease.
jeon_jk: Damn :/ Mine is basically big enough to house twenty.
jeon_jk: Get on my level Taehyung!
kimth95: lmaoooooo
kimth95: you’re funny, i like you.
kimth95: i have a good feeling about this i think
jeon_jk: Me too :’)
jeon_jk: So… Taehyung Kim.
kimth95: yes, jeon jeongguk?
jeon_jk: When can I leave?
❅❆❅
Los Angeles, California
December 11th, 7:02 PM
Taehyung has always hated airports.
He should be used to them, really, with how much he flies for work. And the flying experience itself isn’t terrible, because he usually manages to book first class. But airports?
They’re crowded and frantic and the TSA agents are never happy to be there (who can really blame them?) and pair that with the fact that it’s the absolute busiest time of the year to fly anywhere?
Hell. Hell on earth.
He really hopes it’s a little less crowded at Incheon International than it is at LAX, and he cannot wait to land in Seoul. He’s really, really hoping it will be a completely different vibe there, because frankly, he’s very sick of LA.
Taehyung generally likes California, and it’ll always be home to him—he was adopted as a baby so he really doesn’t remember anything from his life in Daegu—but sometimes it just feels so… foreign.
So much insincerity, so many people who value fame and money over humanity. And not to mention that America in general is an absolute shit show.
Oh, and Taehyung doesn’t really have friends.
He’s friends with his colleagues, he supposes, but despite knowing them for years, his relationships with them are pretty surface level. He hasn’t really had a deep connection with someone in years, not even his own significant other, which is really sad. He’s an only child, and his parents live over on the East Coast, so moving to LA at eighteen and not having any long-term, consistent friendships has been a little bit taxing on his mental health.
It’s not that he expects to find what he’s looking for after spending a mere two weeks in South Korea, no, but… perhaps there’s a teeny, tiny part of him that’s both naive and optimistic. Maybe he’ll experience a Christmas miracle—who knows?
“Now boarding first class,” sounds a very bored voice from the overhead intercom, and Taehyung sighs as he stands, dragging his suitcase over to the entry door and presenting his ticket to the airport worker.
“Enjoy your flight,” she says flatly, Taehyung nodding politely as he walks into the air bridge. It’s not too much of a hassle to find his seat, and he lets out a big sigh of relief as he sits down after stowing his carry-on in the overhead compartment. He’s glad he splurged on a first class ticket, because he really doesn’t want to be stuck with all the noisy kids and grumpy passengers for a thirteen hour flight. Plus, the extra leg room and ability to turn his seat into a bed will be a godsend.
He thinks about Jeongguk as he waits for the plane to take off; thinks about how he definitely couldn’t afford first class, how he’s probably cramped and uncomfortable on his own flight from Seoul.
Taehyung’s not heartless—he did offer to pay for a first class ticket for Jeongguk, but Jeongguk politely declined. Taehyung just hopes he isn’t too uncomfortable.
Taehyung had spent several hours texting Jeongguk after exchanging numbers with him for easier communication. He really does seem like a good guy, and he’s just as new to this as Taehyung is, which made him feel a bit better about the situation. He could even see himself being friends with Jeongguk, had they only lived on the same continent, and he found himself feeling a bit disappointed that he was never going to meet the man, despite flying to live in his home for a couple weeks.
They’d agreed on fourteen days (give or take, with the differing time zones)—leave on the 12th, fly back on the 26th. Neither of them really wanted to be home for Christmas, so the arrangement was perfect for them. Jeongguk was kind enough to write up a list of recommendations as he’d said he would, and Taehyung tried to do the same, although his was nowhere near as extensive and detailed as Jeongguk’s was. Jeongguk was even kind enough to write it all in English, and Taehyung had attempted to write his in Hangul though he realized very quickly he was way out of his element and reluctantly gave up. His Korean knowledge is very basic, though he understands it better listening to it than he does reading it. He really hopes he’ll be able to keep up with any conversations he has with locals, and that he’ll maybe even improve a bit from being forced to speak it.
Taehyung has felt a little resentful, at times, that his American parents didn’t do more to immerse him in his culture from a young age, though it’s not like they didn’t at least try. They were always very encouraging when Taehyung said he wanted to learn more about his heritage, and even helped him study when he tried teaching himself Korean in high school. Still, he wishes they’d tried a little harder.
Because now he’s flying to his homeland and has absolutely no idea what to expect, barely feels confident enough to hold a conversation. He just really hopes that the people he meets are willing to be patient with him and recognize that he’s trying his best.
Taehyung watches curiously as passengers begin filing onto the plane, noticing that a lot of them seem to be Korean themselves—which makes sense, given their destination. He wonders about all of their stories; if they’re simply heading home to visit family, or if any of them are Korean-Americans visiting Seoul for the very first time, just like Taehyung. The thought makes him feel just a little less lonely.
He zones out as the flight attendant recites the pre-flight PA announcements, relaxing into his seat and slipping on his headphones as he turns on one of his favorite playlists. It only takes a few more minutes until they’re ready for takeoff, and—for once—Taehyung watches the window intently as the plane takes flight, watching as LA’s city lights grow dimmer and dimmer underneath him. He feels his stress levels lowering the further away they get from land, the further away he gets from his lonely life in California.
He really, really hopes that he finds home in Seoul.
❅❆❅
Seoul, South Korea
December 12th, 12:02 PM
Jeongguk has always loved airports.
Granted, he’s only been a total of six times—twice to fly to and from Japan, and four times for two different trips to Jeju Island. But he’s always loved how electric they feel, how the air around him buzzes with the excitement that comes from flying somewhere new. He loves how alive they are, how it’s always so crowded yet somehow doesn’t make him feel claustrophobic.
There’s something so thrilling about traveling, something so enticing. Jeongguk wishes he could afford to do it more.
He admittedly does get a little sad leaving his friends—Jimin, Hoseok, a couple others he’d met through work—but he’s soothed by the knowledge that he’ll be back in his own cozy bed fairly quickly.
He really does love Seoul, and it will forever and always be home to him, but he’s more than ready for a change of environment; for the rich diversity that lives in LA, the lively, dynamic city life that he’s never gotten to fully experience residing in his little neck of the woods.
He’s also relieved to be getting away from—
As if the man were reading Jeongguk’s thoughts, his phone suddenly buzzes with a text from Suho. Anxiety swirls in his stomach as he lifts his phone to read it.
Suho
Jeongguk, I’m sorry again. Genuinely. I tried to tell you beforehand but wasn’t given a good opportunity.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you—I really don’t want to lose you. Can I come by your place to talk?
Jeongguk sighs, debating for a moment if he should just leave his phone at the airport so he never has to face reality again, but he knows that’s not a good idea. Jeongguk has never been, and never will be, Suho’s first priority. The fact that it took so long for him to text Jeongguk only further proves that.
He needs to end this.
Me
I don’t think that’s a good idea. And besides, I’m not home anyway. I’m leaving until after Christmas.
Suho
Leaving? Where are you going?
Jeongguk stares at the message for about a minute, wondering if being honest is really the best idea. He doesn’t want to have any sort of connection to Suho during his stay because he’s the whole reason he’s leaving in the first place.
But… he still loves the man. Still has this intrinsic desire to please him, to be good for him, and—well, he can’t help but crave the attention. He’s only human, after all.
Me
California.
In the states.
Suho
You’re going to America???
Please tell me you’re not going alone…
Me
I am
But don’t worry about me, hyung. I need this.
It’ll be good for me.
Suho
I can’t help but worry when it comes to you.
May I ask why you’re leaving? Seems impulsive.
Suho isn’t dumb—Jeongguk knows he knows the reason for Jeongguk’s impromptu vacation. And he’s not about to humiliate himself by spelling it out for him, so he decides to give him a different truth.
Me
Just wanted a change of scenery.
Suho
Well, it’ll be a beautiful change. I loved it when I went years ago.
A very fitting place for such a warm, sunny person. You’ll fit right in.
For a brief moment Jeongguk forgets all about his situation—the heartache, the party, the fact that Suho will never be his.
For a brief moment it’s just him and Suho, two lovers sharing a sweet moment just as they had so many times over the past several years. He can’t help it when his lips curl into a small smile. Being complimented by Suho always made him feel like he was floating.
Suho
Let me know if I can offer any suggestions for places to eat or see. Wish I could show you them myself…
Take lots of pictures to send to me, okay Gukkie?
Don’t wanna lose touch.
We can talk in person when you’re back.
Jeongguk’s blissful little moment away from reality vanishes upon receiving Suho’s texts, and suddenly his mind is flooded with images of Miyoung’s face, Suho’s lips on hers, the utter euphoria on Suho’s face as Seojun announced the engagement.
Remember why you’re doing this, Jeongguk, he thinks to himself. Remember what you’re running far away from.
His hands shake as he types a reply.
Me
You and I both know I need time to fall out of love with you, Suho.
I’d really appreciate it if you’d give me the space to do so.
And with that, he powers off his phone.
No more Suho. Jeongguk’s journey to freedom begins now.
“Now boarding Group A,” comes a polite voice from the overhead speaker, and despite his sudden melancholy Jeongguk can’t help but smile as he stands, collecting his belongings and heading over to line up to board the plane.
He’s not going to let Suho ruin this for him. Not like he’s ruined Jeongguk’s trust; his self-esteem.
“Please enjoy your flight,” the smiling employee tells Jeongguk as she scans his ticket, and Jeongguk thanks her kindly as he steps onto the air bridge.
Taehyung had offered to buy Jeongguk a first class ticket, which was incredibly generous of him, but Jeongguk felt too guilty to accept. He can’t say the idea didn’t excite him, but he already feels like he’s being offered so much, getting to stay in Taehyung’s giant house when Taehyung, in return, will be residing in Jeongguk’s cramped studio apartment.
They’d texted for a while after Jeongguk’s first message inquiring about Taehyung’s home, and within a few hours they’d both booked their respective plane tickets. Jeongguk is lucky in that his flight leaves in the afternoon and arrives in the morning, since LA is almost a day behind Seoul—he really didn’t want to arrive in LA when it was pitch black outside. He feels like Taehyung got the short end of the stick a little bit; both with Jeongguk’s downgrade of an apartment, and also because his flight is a red-eye that arrives in Seoul at night. But Taehyung had assured Jeongguk repeatedly that he didn’t mind, that the most important thing to him was just getting away from his home.
It takes about another fifteen minutes before Jeongguk is boarding the plane and stowing his carry-on, and he boards early enough that he’s able to snag a window seat. He doesn’t know how he’d make it through a thirteen hour flight without being able to look out the window.
“Anyone sitting here?” comes a friendly voice from Jeongguk’s left, and he looks up to see a man around his age smiling down at him.
“Nope, all yours,” Jeongguk says, returning his smile as he gestures to the middle seat. The man bows his head gratefully before climbing into the seat and shoving his backpack underneath the seat in front of him.
“I’m Seokjin,” the man says once he’s settled into the seat, Jeongguk looking at him curiously. He feels relief bloom in his chest at Seokjin’s friendly nature, because he really didn’t want to have to do this whole thing alone. He knows not everyone is a fan of chatting with their seat neighbors on airplanes, but Jeongguk has always found it comforting.
“Hi, Seokjin-ssi,” Jeongguk responds politely, bowing his head as best he can while sitting mere inches from Seokjin. “I’m Jeongguk.”
“Nice to meet you, Jeongguk-ssi,” Seokjin responds, returning the awkward bow. “Are you visiting family in California?”
“Ah, no,” Jeongguk says, suddenly feeling a tiny bit embarrassed about the truth. It sounds a little weird—Jeongguk swapping houses with a complete stranger—and he hopes Seokjin doesn’t think he’s crazy for doing it. “I actually met this guy online and we agreed to switch houses for a couple weeks. I’m staying at his place in LA and he’s flying to stay here in Seoul, in my apartment.”
“Wow,” Seokjin says with wide eyes, sounding impressed. “That’s pretty cool. Have you ever done something like that before?”
“Never,” Jeongguk says with a nervous chuckle. “Haven’t even left South Korea before, except for one month I spent in Japan. I’m super nervous.”
“I can imagine,” Seokjin sympathizes. “You’re gonna love California, though. It’s very different from Seoul, obviously, but it’s fun. I’ve been traveling back and forth for years.”
“Wow, really?” Jeongguk asks in surprise, and Seokjin nods.
“Born in Gwacheon, moved to San Francisco for work in my early twenties. I ended up settling down in LA, met some of my best friends there. But I get homesick often, so I come home every few months. It was my mother’s birthday last week so I spent a couple weeks with the family. Luckily, I can take my work with me.”
“Ah, that’s really cool,” Jeongguk says honestly, a little bit jealous that Seokjin seems to have such an exciting life. “Happy belated birthday to your mom,” Jeongguk adds, and Seokjin thanks him as they both chuckle. “What do you do for work?”
Seokjin’s smile grows, his eyes brightening, and Jeongguk can already tell that he enjoys answering this question. “I’m a talent agent,” he explains, laughing when Jeongguk’s eyes go wide. How cliché is it to meet a fucking talent agent on a flight to LA, which has one of the most flourishing entertainment presences in the world?
“So you, like, work with famous actors and stuff?” Jeongguk asks in awe. Seokjin laughs again.
“Sometimes,” he says. “Actors, composers, screenwriters, pretty much anyone looking to step foot in the film industry. I mostly like searching for new, undiscovered talent, though. I like to give the little guys a chance, and it’s really satisfying when you happen upon a gem and they grow into something successful with your help.” He pauses, making a face. “It’s not always as exciting as it sounds, though. It’s a lot of emailing, lots of communicating with clients and various companies. Sometimes I think my fingers are going to fall off from typing so much.”
“Same,” Jeongguk says with a giggle. “I’m a writer,” he explains when Seokjin raises a curious brow. “I write for Korea’s Seoul.”
“Ahh,” Seokjin says, nodding in understanding. “That’s really cool! I read their articles in my free time sometimes. I wonder if I’ve read any of your stuff.”
“Maybe,” Jeongguk says, though he’s doubtful. He’s definitely not the most successful or well-known journalist at their company. “I write op-eds. Although my real passion is poetry… but I can’t exactly make a living from writing poems all day,” Jeongguk says with an awkward laugh, not really sure why he added that. It’s not like Seokjin asked.
He expects a strange look, but Seokjin just squints a little, seemingly thinking about something. “You ever write songs?”
Jeongguk narrows his eyes. “Why? Are you trying to scout me?”
Seokjin lets out a squeaky laugh. “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it on an airplane. But, uh, no, not really. I’m not sure why I asked. Maybe it’s just ‘cause my best friend is a songwriter, so I’m always looking for potential collaborators. He’s really talented.”
“Oh, cool,” Jeongguk says, a bit surprised by the random information. “Would I know any of his stuff?”
“Not unless you pay any attention to the underground rap scene amongst Korean-Americans,” Seokjin says with a grin. “He doesn’t really release his own music anymore though, despite me always encouraging him. Too focused on his career at the moment—professionally, he’s a film composer.”
“No way,” Jeongguk says, feeling a little starstruck already over how cool and talented everyone seems to be in LA. “He’s a rapper and film composer?”
“Mhm,” Seokjin says with a nod, looking a little proud that someone is impressed by his best friend. “One of the most talented people I know. We actually met in college in Seoul and then moved to California together.”
“That’s awesome,” Jeongguk answers honestly, once again feeling jealous. “You must be fluent in Korean and English then, huh?” he asks, although he feels a little dumb after doing so. The man lives in America—of course he’s fluent in English.
“Yes, that’s correct,” Seokjin answers in English, and Jeongguk is immediately surprised by how little of an accent the man has. He sounds like he could’ve been born and raised in America. “What about you?”
“Uh, just Korean,” Jeongguk says sheepishly in English, feeling a little lame in comparison. He switches back to Korean to say, “I know basic English, though. And I’m really trying to get better. I hope to pick up on some stuff by staying in LA, even though I won’t be there for very long.”
“That’s alright,” Seokjin says, no trace of judgment in his tone. “English is hard, man. It took me longer than I’d like to admit to become fluent. Wanna practice with me?”
Jeongguk’s eyes go wide as his stomach flips a bit, because the thought of trying to hold a conversation in a foreign language is a little bit terrifying. But he’s about to be in a place where it’s necessary, and at least with Seokjin he has Korean to fall back on if he doesn’t understand something, so why not?
“Sure,” Jeongguk says decidedly—in English. “Let’s practice.”
The pair immediately jump into a simple conversation in English, and Jeongguk is using so much brain power to try to formulate the words that he hardly notices when the plane takes off. Seokjin is absolutely delightful company, and there are several times over the next couple hours that they receive looks from annoyed passengers because Seokjin speaks loudly and Jeongguk can’t stop giggling when he cracks jokes.
He feels any uneasiness melt away the longer he talks with his new friend, and after a very draining—but fun—conversation, Jeongguk decides to get some rest. He thanks Seokjin for the practice before slipping his jacket off, bunching it up and placing it behind his head in a makeshift pillow.
He drifts in and out of sleep over the next eleven or so hours, drifts in and out of conversation with Seokjin, and the time passes a little less torturously than he thought it would. He feels his excitement grow as the sun rises again, as he watches the illuminated ocean move in slow waves beneath the plane. By the time California appears below them, Jeongguk is practically buzzing in elation.
For the next two weeks, Jeongguk gets to start over; gets to be a completely different person. He cannot fucking wait.
“Jeez, are we landing already?” Seokjin’s groggy voice says—in English—from Jeongguk’s left, and Jeongguk feels proud that he understood exactly what the man said. This only makes him feel more giddy, and Seokjin’s sleepy eyes go a little wide when he sees the (probably crazed) look in Jeongguk’s eyes. “Woah. Excited, are we?”
“Very,” Jeongguk says honestly, because really—he doesn’t think he’s felt so excited in his entire life.
“I’m glad,” Seokjin says with an amused laugh, and Jeongguk whips his head back to look out the window, immediately gasping at the view.
“Holy shit, is that the fucking Hollywood sign?” Jeongguk practically shouts, and it’s not just Seokjin who laughs this time. His cheeks heat a bit in embarrassment at how poorly he’s hiding his enthusiasm, but he’s too happy to really care.
“Indeed it is,” Seokjin responds, patting Jeongguk’s shoulder. “And if you look over there you can see an In-N-Out Burger—one of the great, beautiful landmarks of Southwestern USA.”
Jeongguk knows Seokjin is just teasing him, but he watches in awe anyway as he points out the window, soaking in every little detail of California that he possibly can.
“Gooood morning, everyone! We’d like to give you a warm, sunny welcome to beautiful Los Angeles, California,” a voice sounds from the PA system, and Jeongguk’s smile grows at the sound of the flight attendant’s enthusiasm.
Everything here is warm, warm, warm—something that Jeongguk didn’t realize until now that he was desperately lacking.
He thinks he’s going to like it here.
❅❆❅
Seoul, South Korea
December 13th, 1:41 AM
It’s dark and quiet by the time Taehyung’s plane is flying over land again, and he can’t help but feel a little bit sad that he can’t really see Seoul from the airplane like he’d hoped. It’s still pretty illuminated by city lights, though, and he feels something warm in his chest as he notices the unmistakable dark strip that is the Han River. Something about it feels so familiar, though he’s never been before. He makes a mental note to walk along the river’s edge as soon as he can during the daytime.
It had been a long, difficult thirteen hours of tossing and turning, and Taehyung had finally given up on the idea of sleep—ironically—by the time the sun began to set again. It’s not the worst flight experience he’s had, though, and it definitely helped knowing that he was moving further and further away from the troubles of his everyday life.
Taehyung startles a little when a flight attendant announces that they’ll be landing shortly, as it’s been quiet for several hours now. No screaming children, luckily, and no talkative seatmate to bother him here in first class.
His heart swells a bit as they near closer and closer to the ground, as the city lights grow and brighten beneath him. He can’t wait to get out and explore; use Jeongguk’s list as a guide and discover everything that Seoul, South Korea has to offer him.
Speaking of Jeongguk…
Taehyung wonders how he’s doing, if his flight has landed already. They took off at around the same time, so he wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already touched down in LA. He pulls out his phone as soon as he lands, turning off airplane mode and pulling up his text thread with Jeongguk.
Me
hey, just landed
make it to LA yet?
He receives a reply within thirty seconds.
jeongguk
Yes!!!!!! Just got off the plane!!!!
It’s so cool here!!! :D
Did you know you can see the Hollywood sign FROM THE PLANE???
Lol of course you knew that, you live here. >.<
Taehyung can’t help but giggle at Jeongguk’s obvious enthusiasm—he seems to have a certain childlike wonder that Taehyung really, really envies. Maybe he can find a bit of it himself in Seoul.
Me
i did haha
pretty cool the first time you see it, huh
glad you got there safely! you’re gonna call an uber right?
jeongguk
Actually, I made a friend on the plane…
He offered to drive me to your place! :-)
How’s Seoul treating you?
Me
oh that’s good!
it’s nice so far
tho i can’t see much right now lol
jeongguk
Oh yeah!! I forgot it’s the middle of the night for you >.<
Well I hope you get to enjoy her beauty once the sun comes up ;)
Hey I gotta go get my suitcase! You remember my address and code and everything, yes?
Me
yep yep
what about you? need anything from me?
jeongguk
I think I’m good for now! But I’ll let you know if that changes :3
Talk to you later?
Me
ttyl
enjoy LA, jeongguk ;)
jeongguk
Enjoy Seoul, Taehyung! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ