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It’s totally Jirou’s fault. She asks the fateful question that sends a group of pro hero friends completely off the rails:
“Would you fuck your younger self?”
Amidst the laughter and taunting that follows, someone speaks up right away.
“Yes.”
All heads swivel to find Shouto answering with complete sincerity. Of fucking course.
“Yeah? You would?”
“Somehow you’re not the one I expected to answer—”
“Oh c’mon, he’s the pretty boy and he KNOWS it!”
Shouto blinks at their reactions, looking unfazed. “You are all acting like you wouldn’t, which I find very hard to believe.”
“Zing!”
“Shou, you’re brutal these days.”
Izuku looks at Shouto with pointed curiosity. “You just seem so sure about it, Shouto-kun.”
Shouto nods. “It sounds ideal, if you ask me.”
More raucous laughter follows, but he’s serious. He doesn’t even mean it in the conceited way that it sort of sounds— then again, he’s never all that concerned with how he sounds. That’s Shouto for you: take it or leave it.
“What better way to experience something for the first time than with yourself?” Shouto explains. “No one knows you better. You can be vulnerable with yourself without feeling too exposed. And because the other you is older, they would be a useful guide to what you actually enjoy.”
Kaminari scoffs. “Sure sounds like you’ve thought a lot about this, Todoroki.”
“I have not, actually,” Shouto answers. “I just think it makes sense.”
Iida nods sagely. He's less stiff than the guy used to be, but not by much. “So you are saying it would be wise to teach your younger counterpart about physical intimacy. Altruistic, perhaps?”
Sero laughs as he slaps Iida on the back. “Whatever makes you feel better about it, buddy.”
“Whoa, whoa, hold up,” Jirou interrupts. “You guys have got it all wrong. Let’s try this again: would you want to fuck your younger self? Like, would it be hot?”
Iida chokes on his virgin daiquiri.
“Though, if you really wanna make it about whether or not you’d cash your own V-card,” Jirou sneers, “be my guest.”
Mina laughs. “You know what? Fuck yeah, I would! I’d be a great lay, and we’d have tons of fun.”
Kaminari nods. “Yeah, totally! I’d do myself.”
“Now that’s two bottoms if I’ve ever seen it,” Sero laughs again.
“Hey! Shut up! What’s your answer?”
Sero considers it. “You know, I don’t really think I’m my type. But, like, I’m not gonna pass it up, either.” His eyes glimmer with mischief.
“Yeah!” Kirishima agrees, though he’s blushing. “I mean, it’d be super fun, right? I’d be down.”
Jirou turns to Asui. “How about you, Su?”
She raises her eyebrow. “Is anyone really gonna answer no? Anyone that does, I don’t believe you.”
Momo hesitates. “I don’t know…”
Jirou’s eyes go wide. “Momo, if you turn this down, I’d rather that you lie to me and tell me you would do it.”
“But why’s that, baby?”
“So I can go on imagining it in peace!” Jirou shakes her head fondly. “Midoriya, how about you?”
“Oh my God. Um, wait. How young am I? Not too young, I hope?”
“I dunno. Let’s use Todoroki’s version. So, whenever you were still a virgin.”
Kaminari cackles. “So, like, yesterday?”
Izuku turns beet red because that is definitely not true, why would they think that? Seems like he doesn’t really wanna respond to that, so he ignores it.
“A-and are we both sober? Does he want me, too?”
“Um, if you want to do it,” Sero says, “then don’t you think he’d want it, too? You’re kinda both you.”
Izuku crinkles his nose. “Is that how you think it works? Different life experiences, developmental stages…”
Jirou cuts off his muttering with a gesture and a sharp roll of her eyes. “He wants it, too, Midoriya. Relax.”
“O-okay, then… Yes!”
Katsuki gives Izuku an unreadable look, which is all Jirou needs to pounce on him next. “How about you, Kats?”
“Tch. In your dreams.”
“Sorry, honey, you’ve never starred in my dreams,” she counters. “Right now, we’re talking about yours.”
“This is stupid.”
“So what?”
“How exactly are we fucking our younger selves again?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Jirou answers. “Maybe a time travel quirk? But you get sent back to wherever your younger self would be, whenever you were a naive little virgin, ripe for the picking.”
Katsuki scoffs. “What an ass pull. Doesn’t make sense.”
“It could happen!”
“Bullshit.”
“Who cares about that,” Kaminari pipes up. “It’s just a what if scenario.”
“Yeah, and it’s too idiotic to be worth considering.” Katsuki zips up his coat as he tosses a sour look in Kaminari’s direction.
“But it doesn’t have to make sense!”
Kirishima paws at his arm, but Katsuki moves too fast for him. “Just answer the question, Bakubro—”
“Naw, I’m outta here.” Katsuki drops some money on the table and leaves.
Izuku and Shouto exchange a look as the rest of the friend group watches him go.
When Shouto and Izuku make it back to their shared apartment, they both seem surprised to find Katsuki awake. Instead of passing out in his perfectly good bed, he sits reading in the low light of a lamp and doesn’t even look up when the two numbskulls walk in.
“Kacchan? You didn’t have to wait up for us.”
He scoffs. “Like hell I was.” (He was.) “You think too much of yourselves.”
He does kind of give himself away in that there is a water glass for each of them sitting on the coffee table, because of course they both drank more than they should’ve. He also set out a midnight snack.
“Coconut cake!” Izuku exclaims. “My favorite!”
Yeah, obviously.
Shouto grins at the single extra-large slice sitting on a plate, with 3 forks made to share. Kind of a dead giveaway, but no one calls him on it because they value their shitty lives.
“Don’t give me that look. Sit down and shut up.”
There’s peace and quiet for a couple of minutes while these two knuckleheads enjoy their snack. Even when they insist that Kacchan have his share, too, they do it wordlessly by shoving the remaining fork and the shared plate into his face until he caves and takes a bite.
“So, you never answered the question,” Shouto points out.
Peace and quiet, over.
“Yeah, and I’m not gonna,” Katsuki says as he chews.
“Why not?”
Izuku looks between his two best friends, frowning. “Does the idea make you uncomfortable?”
Katsuki gives him a look. “I ain’t bothered by it. It’s just bullshit.”
“It’s not that serious.”
“I know it fucking isn’t!”
“Okay then,” Shouto answers. “Then I’d like to hear your answer.”
“Why?”
“You heard ours.”
“Yeah, I heard you were real eager to show yourself a good time.”
Shouto isn’t ruffled in the least. “I don’t know about you two, but my first time was pretty awkward.”
Izuku laughs nervously. “Yeah, um. Yeah.”
“It would have been better if it was with myself. Don’t you think, Katsuki?”
He answers with silence.
“Well?”
“Shou, don’t push him- if he really doesn’t want to share—”
Katsuki groans. “Cut it out, nerd! I don’t need you protecting me!”
Izuku winces, mouthing ‘sorry’ at him. Ugh.
Katsuki glares down at their empty dessert plate. “I hate this game.”
“But why?”
“Gee, think about it. I mean, really, use your damn heads for a second,” he seethes. “Do you remember me from a few years ago?”
“Kacchan—”
“No. Shut the hell up. You’re all picturing these sweet, naive twink versions of yourselves. You know, docile,” he points one thumb at Izuku, followed by, “submissive,” as he jerks his other thumb in Shouto’s direction.
“Excuse me?”
“It’s fucking true and you know it, Halfie!”
Shouto huffs but doesn’t say anything back.
“And what do I get? A prickly bitch with hella sexual and emotional repression, and bonus anger management issues.”
“Kacchan!”
“What?! Let’s be honest. Past-me wouldn’t let current-me anywhere near him, even if I wanted to go there. And I’m not sure that I do, because that younger version of me was seriously more trouble than I was worth.”
Izuku gives him sad eyes. “Not true, Kacchan. Not at all.”
Katsuki glares back. “Coming from the guy who knows I’m dead right. You know better than anyone—”
“No, I don’t agree. You’ve always been worth it to me.”
Katsuki huffs and looks away. There’s a knot in his chest that makes it safest not to answer at all.
“But, I don’t get it,” Shouto says. “Don’t you think a younger you would be impressed, seeing you now?”
“Huh? Fuck no! He’d hate me.”
“You’re the number two pro hero!”
“Which, first of all, isn’t number one. And second of all, I’m friends with all of you miserable extras, and he’d roast my ass for that for sure.”
“Wow.” Shouto blinks. “Tough critic.”
Katsuki and Izuku share a strained laugh. “Tell me about it,” Katsuki says.
“Okay, but that’s not really the question,” Shouto says. “I think it’s more about would you want to have sex with your younger self, rather than whether it’d pan out. Are you saying you’re just not interested?”
“Interested? I dunno, sure.” Katsuki shrugs. “I’d like to make that bitch squeal.”
Izuku makes a dying whale noise. “Oh my God, Kacchan, you can’t talk like that!” He sputters into his hands, trying and failing to hide how red he’s turning.
“Sure I can, nerd. But it wouldn’t happen. I’d have to whoop his ass in lethal-fucking-combat to get half a chance, and I’d probably still have to tie the little shit down.”
Shouto tilts his head, considering this. “Hot.”
“Excuse me?!”
“What? That’s… hot.”
Izuku’s face is still hidden in his hands, but he definitely sounds like he’s suffering.
“Okay, fuck off,” Katsuki answers. “And it isn’t hot, at least not to me. I’m not taking something that isn’t offered, isn’t wanted— and I’ll tell you right now, there’s no fucking way it’s wanted, so there’s no point in discussing this shit. That’s why I didn’t answer. You happy now?”
Shouto seems satisfied. Enough to let it go, at any rate, but no such luck. The nerd is just getting started.
“Okay, okay, but what if, like, he had to fuck you? Like, he’d die if he didn’t.”
Katsuki gives Izuku a look. “He’d rather die.”
“C’mon, be serious, Kacchan! You really think your younger self would rather give up like that? And never become an amazing pro hero, just like All Might?”
“Leave him out of this—”
“Izuku makes a good point,” Shouto says, not that Katsuki asked his opinion. “It’s not like you to give up so easily. You think he’d rather die than take dick from his older self one time?”
“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Katsuki snaps.
Shouto looks at Katsuki like he’s grown a second head. “You kiss your mother?”
Good lord. No, nope, Katsuki’s not touching that wall of trauma with a ten-foot pole. He makes a U-turn, rhetorically-speaking:
“Besides, why on Earth would younger me only survive if he bends over?”
“Like, like, okay, listen.” Izuku sits forward, getting animated now and talking with his hands. Typical, except he currently can’t talk at this speed without slurring his words. Katsuki considers the strong possibility that these two are a bit more drunk than they look. “So, younger Kacchan gets hit with a sex quirk, and he’ll die if he doesn’t let you help him. Like, right now. It’s urgent!”
“A time travel quirk AND a sex quirk in the same fucking week? What kind of Wattpad shit is this, Deku? You’re rotting your brain on that site, you know.”
“But what if he needed you,” Izuku whines.
“He’d find someone else.”
“There is no one else!”
“Where are all of you?”
“Wait-are-you-suggesting-that-we-should— with-Kaccha— WHAT?!”
“Oi, give it a rest, nerd.” Katsuki drags a palm across his face. “This is stupid, but I’ll play along. So, fine. Maybe under those unreasonable-fucking-circumstances, he’d actually let me fuck him. Because if there’s one thing I know about myself, I’d want to survive that shit so I can still grow up and kick ass. But he would hate me for it.”
Shouto’s face falls.
“So I’d get the dubious honor to fuck this fuming-mad virgin teenager, part-time wrath demon, who had no other choice in the matter because— what again? OH! Because he’d rather not die. Happy now?”
Izuku looks heartbroken. The fuck?
“I don’t think he’d hate you for it, Kacchan. You were just helping.”
“Yeah, he would! He’d hate getting hit by that damn quirk, and he’d blame himself for that. He’d hate his weakness, he’d hate having needs, and he’d take it out on me. That’s exactly what I’d do in that situation.”
“He might think all that when it starts,” Shouto argues, “but I think you’d change his mind.”
“See, now you just sound like you don’t know me at all.”
“He’d hate to need someone, but thankfully it’s you, right?” Shouto asks, genuinely curious. It’s clear that’s how he feels about it, nevermind that experiences aren’t fucking universal. “At least it’s not a vulnerability anyone else would have to see. Only himself, only… you. You already know him inside and out. You know how proud he is, and why he is. You don’t think that’d make it easier?”
“Tch. I seriously doubt it. And even if it’s marginally less-bad, it still sucks.”
“But what if it doesn’t suck,” Izuku says.
“Huh?”
“Hard to be mad when it feels so good.”
A tense silence follows those words. Katsuki stares at him. “You’re drunk.”
“You’d get him off so good, Kacchan.”
“Of course I fucking would! Fucker wouldn’t see straight all week, let alone walk straight,” he says. “Might as well make the best of it.”
Doesn't sound all bad, when you put it like that…
“He’d come harder than he’s ever come in his life,” Shouto says, trying very hard not to smile.
“Damn right.” Katsuki refuses to acknowledge how his dick twitches at the thought.
“But then it’s over,” Shouto says.
“Right.”
“And if he wants you again, he can’t have you because the excuse is gone.” Izuku gives him a sly look.
“Huh?”
“But he can’t get you off his mind,” Shouto suggests, “not after that one time.”
“What the hell is this?”
“Yeah!” Izuku is far more excited about this than he has any right to be. “Now he knows what he’s missing, and he’s pining for you, Kacchan!”
“Oi. I’m pining for my damn self? Get real.”
“He’d lay awake aching, unsatisfied in the next room,” Shouto adds. “He tries but he can’t get himself off like that, not without your help.”
“Then get on Grindr! You think I was a helpless loser who couldn’t help myself?”
“C’mon, Kacchan! You were too young to be on those apps.”
Katsuki grumbles something unintelligible.
“You really wouldn’t fuck him again?” Shouto asks.
“Not if he doesn’t ask for it! Jeez, I already dub-conned him hard from your moronic quirk predicament. Which is really fucked up, by the way.”
“But he can’t bring himself to ask for it! You know that. He’s too proud to ask.”
“Yeah, I fucking know that. So too bad for him.”
“What if he starts trying to provoke you?”
“What?”
“You know, walking around in a bath towel. Dropping it at a critical moment.”
“Yeah! Or wearing tight clothes, bending over to get something in your line of sight.”
“I don’t do any of that shit.”
“Come on,” Shouto shakes his head. “Your hero costume is literally its own category on Pornhub.”
“Heh.”
“You don’t sound surprised.”
“Shut up! I don’t twerk my ass for some fool who doesn’t show interest, and that’s final.”
“But you know yourself, Kacchan. You know you wouldn’t show interest, not openly.”
Katsuki rolls his eyes. “Well, it wouldn’t work anyway.”
“What? The seduction plan? But why, it’s a good plan—”
“No, it’s not! It’s trash. I wouldn’t fall for that shit. If he wants to get some of this, he’s gonna have to suck it up and beg for it.”
Izuku swallows his tongue.
“B-beg?”
“That’s fucking right! So no, I wouldn’t cave. I’d tease him right back. Two can play at this game.”
“I. I can’t with this.” Izuku covers his face with both hands. “This whole conversation is more horny fuel than I need in a lifetime.”
“What’d you say?”
“Nothing, Kacchan.”
“Heh. So yeah, serves him right, and I’d torment him back, just for pissing me off. And you can bet your ass I’m less sexually pent up now than I was back then, so I’d win.”
Izuku swallows harshly. “P-pent up?”
Shouto looks Katsuki in the eyes. “How would you torment him, exactly?”
“Tch. You said he bends over the counter? Easy. So I walk over and lean over him to get something. You know, close enough to feel the heat of his body. He can feel my breath on his neck. And I get what I came for and leave without touching a hair on his horn-dog head.”
Izuku stares. “Wow.”
“He drops a towel? Child’s play. I walk over to him and pick it up, bending not an inch from his half-hard dick. So I hand it back to him, and ask him when he became a fucking clutz.”
“Brutal, Katsuki.” Shouto laughs.
“Damn right. I want steam coming out of his ears!”
“You mean like Midoriya?”
“What?!”
“Oh, n-no!” Izuku panics, all red in the face. “You leave me out of this!”
“So there, it wouldn’t work,” Katsuki says. “It’s a shit plan. In fact, I’d never try that plan because it’s so dumb and would totally backfire on me, and I know better. Even when I was a total asshole, I wasn’t a damn idiot!”
“Even when you know- when you can see how badly he wants it, you’re saying you wouldn’t cave? When he’s right there?”
“No! Not if the bastard is too cowardly to say he wants it! Let him fucking regret missing his chance.”
Izuku laughs, shaking his head. “You’re so mean to yourself, Kacchan.”
“Okay. Then what would younger you do?” Shouto is not letting this go, not yet. “If he’s playing to win, how would he do it?”
“Why the fuck are you so invested in this?”
“Call it… research.”
Katsuki scoffs, then considers it for a long moment. “Okay. So I’d sit older me down on the sofa, straddle his lap and tell him exactly what’s gonna happen. That I want his cock and I don’t wanna hear a single word about it.”
“And how would you react to that little speech?”
“I’d respect it.”
Shouto coughs a laugh. “Really?”
“Yeah. I'd know what he was doing, and that he had to come to terms with a lot to say even that much.”
“Aww, Kacchan! You do care!”
“I’d still make him earn it, though.”
“Oh?”
“So he gets my cock out and sinks down, alright? Because you know he prepped already before pulling this stunt. Again, not an idiot. He’d be ready to show off.”
“Okay,” Shouto agrees, hiding his smile.
“But if he thinks I’m doing any of the work until he begs for it, he’s got another think coming.”
“Ka-cchan.”
“And he’d act like he got what he wanted. He’d act like he WON, at first. Because he’s a proud little shit who doesn’t need my help, right? So I’d let him ride me hard until he’s a fucking disaster. You know, panting, whining, frustrated.”
Izuku whines.
Shouto’s eyes go wide. “Oh, damn.”
“He’d look so good like that, you know? I think so,” Katsuki says. “All strung out and needy, but too fucking stubborn to ask for me to pound him properly.”
Shouto grins like a cat who has caught a mouse. “Go on.”
“I’d wait til he’s at his limit.”
“L-Limit?” Izuku chokes out.
“Until he’s gonna explode, he’s so mad. Because he’s so desperate. And then I’d grab him by the jaw and tell him how this is gonna go.”
Shouto groans. Izuku sputters, “O-oh?”
“I’d tell him, ‘you’re gonna be good for me and use your words.’”
“Ah! Kacchan!”
“‘You’re gonna ask me to fuck you. You’re gonna ask nicely, or you get nothing from me.’”
Shouto’s eyes flutter.
See? Fucking submissive, Katsuki thinks triumphantly. Called it.
“‘You talk back and I stop. You fail to answer a question from me and I stop. And if you play nice, I’ll pound you into next week. Right now, and as many times as you like.’”
“Wow.”
“Hell, we’ll fix the time distortion just with fucking! I’ll knock him forward so far he’s bound to catch up to me in no time.”
Izuku’s words are too muffled to hear, but it’s gotta be something stupid like, that isn’t how time travel works. Tch. They left realism behind a long time ago.
“Do you think he would do it?” Shouto asks. “Behave himself? Beg?”
Katsuki pauses. “Probably, yeah.”
“Wait, really?”
“At a certain point, you just gotta commit.” Katsuki shrugs. “If I’m gonna get the best dicking of my life— and I am the best, thank you very much— and learn from the best, and ultimately that’s gonna help me be the best all over again? Yeah, okay, I’d cave. I’d ask him to wreck my shit, and I already know he’d make good on it.”
“This is too hot, Kacchan.”
“What?”
“Like, oh my God. I-I’ve created a monster, I think.”
Katsuki rolls his eyes.
“Kacchan, you don’t understand,” Izuku whines. “I can’t ever unsee this!”
Shouto agrees. “You just out-bratted your hypothetical younger self, and dom’d him into submission, and you admit that you’d cave to it because it’d be so good and worth it in the end?”
“Well, yeah?”
“A-a-and right now, two Kacchan’s are out there, somewhere in the multiverse, doing it like rabbits until their time quirk expires?” Izuku’s freckles have disappeared because he’s blushing so damn hard. It’s annoying that it’s cute. Like, really cute.
“What’s the problem?”
Izuku hides his face again. “That’s so insane. Oh my god.”
Shouto smiles at the sight of Izuku utterly losing his shit. Then he turns back to Katsuki with another question.
“Would you kiss him?”
“The hell?”
“Oh! Yes! Would you?” Izuku chimes in.
Katsuki gives them both a wary look.
“Would you kiss him, as a reward? When he obeys you and pleads so nicely, and turns to putty in your hands. Would you kiss him on the mouth?”
Katsuki looks back and forth between his two deeply insane friends. He knows this has gotten way out of hand, but for some reason he wants to be honest, and they’re probably too drunk to remember it. Right?
“I think so,” Katsuki hesitates, still mulling it over. “I mean, if he really is being good for me, he deserves a reward.”
Izuku gasps. Unlike his moaning and groaning before, this gasp sounds like pure delight— some fairy tale, sparkles-in-his-eyes shit. It makes something squirm in the pit of Katsuki’s stomach.
“I bet Kacchan is a good kisser.”
“Tch. Of course I am.”
“Tender, too,” Shouto adds.
“Huh?”
“He’s earned it, right?” Izuku can hardly get the words out without squealing, giddy with the thought. “I bet you’d kiss him real filthy at first, and then it would turn sweet.”
Katsuki frowns. “I dunno what you’re talking about.”
“You’d touch him like you always wanted to be touched,” Izuku says.
Shouto smiles. “And he’d touch you back, you know, sensing that. He knows you, Katsuki. All your secret wants, subtle things you could never explain, that no one could possibly understand except you. But with him, it’s just there, in your minds. Those wants are something you completely share. With him, it can be just right, without saying a word.”
Katsuki stares blankly at Shouto’s speech, and he’s not even done.
“And the kissing would be like that. Like this wish you could never express. Except he gets it. He knows you.”
Katsuki bristles. “Okay, fuck off.”
“Wha— Kacchan!”
Shouto bites back his smile. “I think we struck a nerve.”
“Didn’t strike no fucking nerve, Icy Bitch!” he fumes. “Oi. Whatever. So I’d fuck myself if I got the chance. You satisfied?”
“Oh, definitely.” Shouto smiles. “More than satisfied. Very… informative.”
“I think you should write that down, Kacchan.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s a good story.”
“Not a chance.”
“Aw. Well, maybe consider it another day.”
“I won’t.”
“Or, I don’t know. I could write it for you?”
“Fuck off, nerd! Stay out of my business!”
Izuku sighs. “Okay. It’s just a really good story. I love the character development.”
“I’ll kill you.”
Shouto teases Izuku then, “You really do read too much fan fiction.”
Katsuki gets an evil glimmer in his eye.
“Alright, I’ll tell you what, Deku. You send me your secret AO3 account and I’ll let you write this shit about me, just this once.”
“NOPE! No, uh-uh, never!”
“One time offer, loser!”
“Nevermind, Kacchan!”
“Coward!”
“I can’t do it! I won’t, no way!”
“I fucking knew it! What sicko-nerd shit are you hiding on that account of yours—”
“La la la la la, I can’t hear you!”