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“Kisuke,” he moans breathlessly. Kisuke’s mouth is in the delicate spot under his jaw. His breath is warm and the tip of his nose is cold. It’s the kind of detail that makes Ichigo’s stomach hurt with endearment.
“Ichi-chan,” Kisuke breathes on a laugh. His hands grab Ichigo’s hips hard and he prays they’ll leave fingerprint bruises again. It’s too much like a dream; he can’t have faith it’s real without proof. It needs to be a little bitter or he knows he’ll just wake up at the end.
He’s so hard it’s painful and just a little nauseous. He’s eighteen, this isn’t the first time they’ve fucked, but he still feels like a child next to Kisuke. He probably looks like a pathetic little boy too the way he whines for Kisuke’s touch, and that shouldn’t make him even harder. Ichigo pulls Kisuke’s hair for the groan it gives him, and drags him up to kiss him. Kisuke’s tongue is just as clever as the rest of him and just as overwhelming. Ichigo would keep kissing him forever if he could, but that’s not the deal. Romance isn't what they do.
Kisuke puts a few inches between them and there’s a string of saliva connecting them. He stares at Ichigo’s wet mouth, and says “You look like a puppy,” not meanly, but it still makes Ichigo red with embarrassment.
“Shut up,” Ichigo says, trying to sound composed and hitting ‘desperate’ dead-on instead.
“Hmm,” Kisuke smirks but doesn’t call him on it.
The rest of the evening goes the way it always does. It hurts how good it feels. It hurts to know he’ll do anything Kisuke says, anything at all, and Kisuke doesn’t want to keep him any closer. Puppy is right. He’s a loyal dog just barely too prideful to howl at Kisuke’s door at night.
Sometimes he can’t stand himself. Wishes he didn’t have to think at all, he’d just get pointed in the right direction and kill whatever was asked of him. Or he wishes he could be honest and say It’s cruel to tame something and then leave it out in the cold. Say I love you, I love you, I love you. He doesn’t. He must be a masochist to do the things he does, but not enough to put himself through seeing Kisuke’s face at an unwanted confession ever again.
He’s too nice, is the problem. Ichigo had worked up the courage to say “I really like you” after the first time they’d had sex, which was his birthday. Kisuke laughed awkwardly and moved the conversation to something else, something almost like panic in his eyes. Ichigo wanted to be angry (So I’m old enough to fuck but still too much of a kid for you to want me around the rest of the time?) but he can’t work up the emotion. It’s snuffed by humiliation and pointless desolation.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair. He gave years of his life—his whole life, even if he didn’t know it at the time. And it still wasn’t enough. He isn’t enough. And he knows he’s being overdramatic, that someone not liking him back isn’t the end of the world. But Ichigo can’t get over being in love with him when they have sex and Kisuke’s full attention is on him, the way he’s so close to what he wants—
And then come morning he’s all but turned out the front doors of the Shoten like nothing happened.
There’s no reason it should hurt this much. He’s accepted that he’s beyond reasoning at this point. Maybe what’s worst is that before, he and Kisuke were something like friends. Was it the natural product of participating in the same war and nothing more? In retrospect he can’t tell. He’d thought they connected in ways they both didn’t otherwise; that there was a mutual recognition of what it took to be the person everyone else relied on for answers. It had made Ichigo comfortable being vulnerable in front of Kisuke the way he wasn’t with anyone else, made him feel like there was a place he could be someone other than First Protector. But Kisuke doesn’t feel comfortable enough to be honest with him. Yeah, that’s the worst part: Kisuke at once let him closer than ever before, and then retreated into his dumb Shopkeeper persona as if Ichigo couldn’t tell it was faker than plastic. What an insult. What a joke.
Ichigo can’t keep doing this to himself. He should tell Kisuke they have to stop.
…But not yet.
Kisuke makes meaningless small talk and resents himself with every word. He wishes Ichigo would leave once he’s done with Kisuke instead of making them go through this awkward in-between phase. It’s honestly mystifying. What do you want from me now? How am I failing you this time?
Kisuke owes Ichigo the world and he’s trying to give it to him. Any possible protection he hands over willingly, most of his inventions go to Ichigo before anyone else and some of those only to him. Not to mention any trouble that comes will face Kisuke himself, which is far from insignificant. He knows that even so, it’s not enough to equal everything he’s taken from Ichigo. But the problem is that Kisuke doesn’t have much more to offer. He’s a terrible void of a person, ask anyone in Seireitei.
When Ichigo turned eighteen, Kisuke offered himself for Ichigo’s pleasure. That’s the deal, isn’t it? Ichigo shouldn’t want for anything: Kisuke should provide it. It’s just one drop of guilt in a bucketful that Kisuke likes it so much, but no matter how much he digs and scratches he can’t pull the center of selfishness out of himself. As long as he thinks of Ichigo first, it’s fine…
Yoruichi seems to have the strange idea that they’re doing something like dating. Nothing can hide the scent of sex from her feline nose, but why she assumes it’s anything other than casual is unknown. Even he can't justify the level of selfishness needed to chain Ichigo to himself, hundreds of years older and filthy in a way Ichigo is blind to despite being a direct witness to some of Kisuke’s most unforgivable sins. Ichigo sees the best in people even when it isn’t there.
That’s what stops him from saying anything when Ichigo tells him, “I really like you.” Because the most honest answer is, You shouldn’t. I’ll ruin you. I already have.
He’ll never tell Ichigo how grateful he is to see him return time and time again to the Shoten, not yet sick of Kisuke. He does his best to make it worth Ichigo’s time. He enjoys the feeling of dropping everything, no matter how important, to serve the boy who owns his soul, because it’s righteous. And he enjoys the bitter pain when Ichigo leaves him, because it’s exactly what he deserves.