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Milk-doused coffee, overwhelmingly huge screentime; Mandy’s addictions are tediously common. Or so she tells herself after finding herself – once again – awake at night, drinking coffee.
One could say, “Oh, but it could be so much worse,” and yes, Mandy supposes, that is true to an extent. She could have a drinking problem, or perhaps she could have an addiction-winded obligation to have a smoke break every fifteen minutes.
So, it could be worse.
It could also be much better.
Two addictions do not sound bad. One plus one, not so much, is it now? It is so near the negatives that surely it cannot count.
Mandy is good at lying to herself. She likes to think that honesty is one of her main values, but can it be, when she so often slips a white lie or two? Pretending not to remember things, so that the only reason the deadlines, which she has set for herself, are skipped with an excuse for forgetting. Still, that is not the truth.
Mandy has an excellent memory; she remembers all her promises, all the deadlines, and all the missing assignments. Still procrastinating takes the better part of her time, and the time flows away; slips through her, and the missing assignments stay as they are, missing.
While the lies Mandy sprouts at herself increase at a steady pace, she is still quite honest with the other people. Or she has become so good at lying that nobody, not even herself, can distinguish the white lies that sometimes end up in Mandy’s speech. Shame, truly; when did she become so good at lying that even she, herself, is confused?
Mandy is good at solving other people’s problems, but somehow the ability does not usually carry onto her own mishaps. It is somewhat ridiculous; how could such a good problem-solver have so many unsolved problems herself?
“It’s because you purposely walk past the solutions!” Hermione chides her in exasperation. “We have gone through this millions of times! I can’t believe you’re still stuck on the same problems!”
She keeps going. It always goes, and it has always gone like this. Year after year, it follows the same formula. Mandy talks about her problems, Hermione chastises her, and Mandy ends up regretting ever speaking about her problems to her.
Mandy hums, thoughtlessly, and fiddles with the ring on her middle finger. It has always helped her to focus and centre herself back to the conversation when she feels herself slipping away. As estimated, it works this time, too.
Hermione’s ranting gets clearer in her ears, and she hears the end of her sentence properly: “… and you know how my father always used to say: ‘it is never too early to work on your problems’! Please take his advice, for once!”
Mandy just wants to get away; it’s not as though her life does not already get poked at and analysed too thoroughly at home, by her parents. It’s always, “Your sister would have never done this” and “Are you not ashamed of yourself?”. Is it truly that difficult to even sometimes say the words “I’m here for you” or “I don’t understand, but I won’t judge you”?
Judgements from every direction. She cannot escape it with her family, close ones, her only friend nor even herself. So, she is stuck between ever-living fires that will always go on. Everywhere Mandy goes, she feels someone’s eyes on her, and she can imagine the judgemental words and expressions that people have of her behind her back.
Hermione has stopped her monologue, mid-phrase, clearly noticing Mandy has not comprehended a single word in a while. Waving her hand in front of Mandy’s eyes, she asks worriedly: “You all right?”
She is not a bad friend, at least not all the time. But she does not understand. Her family has always been loving and happy together, but she does not understand that the same does not apply to everyone else, too. Not everyone has the privilege to not worry about money and the dire impacts of class. Some people’s families break inevitably and are formed out of broken pieces that are constantly straining and barely fitting each other.
Mandy has tried explaining it to Hermione many times before, but she simply cannot comprehend even the thought. “What do mean you feel like an outsider in your family? Your family is so nice!”
So, she stopped even trying.
She does not blame Hermione, but it still feels a bit unfair. If only she could also have a happy family that has never lacked food. One that has always had money for clothes and whose children have never had to fear not having a roof on top of their heads. A family, where dreaming big is possible.
Mandy wishes she could run away and leave everything behind. She nods at Hermione and decides, once in her life, to do as she wishes, despite the selfishness of her decision. Then she says “Goodnight” to Hermione, does not even listen to her answer (“it is nearly morning, though”), and walks home.
The same night Mandy texts her aunt, who lives in the city, asking whether she could move in with her. A notification lights up the screen nearly immediately after.
A beginning of a smile sparks on her face.
It has been a long time since that has last happened. She hopes it lasts.
It is true; Mandy is running from her current life. But maybe she is also running towards another life; one she can truly claim as her own.