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Nico was leaning against the rail of the Argo ll, staring out at the sea. It was a bad habit he had developed during his time on the ship. He hated that it made him think of a certain someone. He hated that he couldn’t stop. Nico didn’t have a watch but judging by the shine of moonlight that illuminated the vast ocean that surrounded the ship, it was late in the night. He figured the sun would begin to peek over the horizon soon. He figured he should try and sleep, but it didn’t come very easy to him. Besides, these nights spent alone on the deck of the Argo ll, with nothing but the stars as his company were the only times Nico didn’t feel on edge (well, less than normal anyway). He could feel the unease the others felt around him, the way they didn’t trust him. Besides Hazel and Jason, maybe. But he was used to it.
Get them to the doors of death, save Percy and Annabeth. Do what you promised, then you can leave, Nico reminded himself. He had been repeating those words to himself over and over again, like a mantra. Get them out, get them to safety, then go away, like you always do. Like you’re supposed to. He used to think those words bitterly, drowning in his own loneliness. but eventually that lonely feeling has wormed its way into his rib cage, squeezing around his lungs and beating in rhythm with his heart until he had known nothing else.
The sound of footsteps behind him startled Nico out of his thoughts. He turned around with his hand instinctively on his sword, but paused when he saw it was just Leo. He was staring back at him with a surprised look on his face.
“Oh, sorry man, I didn’t think anyone would be up here.” A pause. “I, uh, I didn’t mean to startle you, I can just…go” He began to turn to leave.
“No, it’s fine. You didn’t…you don’t have to leave, if you don’t want to.” The words surprised Nico just as much as they did Leo. He nodded awkwardly and slowly made his way to the rail next to Nico. They stood in silence next to each other for a few minutes, neither sure what to say, if they should say anything. Leo drummed his fingers on the rail, seemingly becoming more antsy as time passed. He finally spoke up,
“Sooooooooo…you come here often?” Nico looked at him mildly bewildered. “I mean, no offense but you look like you haven’t slept in, like, forever. I mean I guess that is possible, considering you’re a demigod and, you know, the nightmares and stuff…” Leo eventually trailed off, looking like he was trying not to just quickly excuse himself and bolt. Nico understood the feeling.
“Yeah, the nightmares can be pretty rough sometimes.” Nico couldn’t close his eyes without being transported back into the jar, feeling the wall close around him, suffocating. “I don’t really like being in enclosed spaces after… you know. I guess I just prefer to be outside.”
Leo nods. “Normally I prefer the engine room, but tonight I just needed some fresh air.” Nico looked over at him, studied his profile. It was hard to see with just the moonlight illuminating the pair but it looked like…it looked like he had been crying. Nico could vaguely see a reddish puffiness around Leo's eyes, could barely make out tear tracks on his face.
“Is everything ok?” Leo looked at him with surprise, like he didn’t expect Nico to ask. He almost tried to backtrack, find a way to brush it off, scared he had crossed some sort of boundary when Leo let out a soft, sad sigh.
“Yeah, no, everything is fine it’s just,” he lets out a small, wet, chuckle. “I think I might be in love.”
Nico isn’t sure how to respond to that. It certainly wasn’t what he had expected. He couldn’t blame Leo for crying though, Nico supposes. He has certainly cried for the same reason. All he ends up letting out is a startled “oh.”
Leo wipes fresh tears from his eyes. “Sorry, I don’t even know why I told you that, it’s nothing-“
“No it’s fine-I mean,” What is he even supposed to say? “If you wanted to, you could…talk about it? I’m not exactly the best person to give relationship advice though. I would probably suggest going to Piper, or something, for that.” He stuttered out, feeling mildly like an idiot.
Leo chuckled again. “That’s kind of a part of the problem. I can’t go to Piper. Not about this.” He buried his face in his arms.
Oh. So it was Piper that Leo was in love with. “oh, that’s… I’m sorry. It must be hard to be in love with your best friend's girlfriend.”
“Not Piper” Leo kept his head buried in his arms as he spoke the words.
“What?”
“'m not in love with Piper.”
“Oh.” Nico said, even though he didn’t understand what Leo meant by that. Until he did. “Oh.”
“Yep” Leo replied.
“You’re in love with Jason?”
“Mhm.”
“wow.” Leo was quiet for a while, before finally responding.
“yeah. wow.” Nico looked over at him and saw another tear streak down his face. He had the strange urge to..what? comfort him? Pat him on the back? Hug him? Nico wasn’t really sure. He wasn’t sure of anything. Except that trying to hug someone who could literally set you on fire with a snap of his fingers was probably not the best idea. Besides, Nico hated physical touch. And he is willing to bet Leo wouldn’t want physical comfort from a child of death. He had seen the way that he would jump when Nico appeared in a room, the way he would walk the other way if he saw Nico. Well, except for tonight, apparently. While Nico was surprised he had asked Leo to stay, he was more surprised that Leo actually had.
“I didn’t realize, at first. I thought I just didn’t want to be a third wheel around them. But over time I started to realize that- that sinking feeling I got whenever I was around them was…more than just not wanting to be a third wheel. And I know I can never tell him cause he’s with Piper and- gods I just feel so awful, because she’s my best friend too and you don’t just do that to someone you care about. And Jason, he’s just- I know that I can’t tell him because he’s too good Nico. He would let me down gently and pretend it didn’t happen and I don’t think I could handle the way he would look at me if he knew.” At this point fresh tears had started to stream down Leo’s face again. “Gods I’m so sorry for just dumping all of this on you, you don’t want to hear about my pathetic excuse for a love life.” He said that last part like it was a joke, like he was trying to brush his feelings off as if they didn’t matter. Nico wondered how often Leo had done that.
Nico wished he could think of some way to comfort him, when he blurted out “I’m-I used to be in love with Percy Jackson.” He stared straight ahead, up at the full moon above, refusing to look down at the sea or over at Leo. He didn’t know why he had said that, but he wasn’t going to chicken out now, or try to take it back. Leo had shared something personal with him, he was not going to let his shame control his life. Not anymore. Still, he couldn’t help the jolt of anxiety in his stomach as he said the words, the racing in his heart as he uttered the one thing he swore to himself he would never tell anyone, to the second person on this ship.
“Sorry, I just- I know what it feels like. To have feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same.” Nico took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing pulse. He didn’t get motion sick, but he was starting to feel a little bit like he wanted to throw up.
“Shit.” Nico looked over at Leo finally. He had his eyebrows raised in shock, as if that was the last thing he ever expected Nico to say. Nico supposed that was a fair reaction. “Does he know?”
Nico let out a small breath. “No. No one does. Well, except for Jason but I didn’t get a choice when he found out. You’re the-‘ he took a deep breath “You’re the first person I’ve, uh, willingly told, so…”
“Shit dude that's- I mean,’ He looked at Nico. “wow”
Nico felt the corners of his mouth twitch up, just a little bit. “Yeah. Wow.”
They stood there in silence for a little longer, before Leo finally broke it once again.
“Well, here’s to us,” Nico looked over at him. He had his fist held out in front of him. “The two idiots who were dumb enough to catch feelings for unattainable men.” He stared at Leo for a minute, unsure how to respond. Sure, Leo was right but he had never expected anyone to say it so…bluntly. He had never met anyone else who was like him (that he knows of, he supposes). He felt a warm feeling well up inside of him. A kind of comfort he had never experienced before. An understanding that, for the first time in his life, he wasn’t alone. He bumped his fist against Leo’s before turning back to look out at the sea once more.
“By the way,” Leo’s voice cut through Nico’s thoughts once more. “You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone. I don’t know what you meant when you said you didn’t have a choice when you told Jason, and it’s not my business anyway, but I won’t say anything.” He mimed locking his lips, throwing an invisible key into the depths of the water that surrounded them.
“Thank you. I won’t tell, either. If you were worried about that.”
Leo grinned. “I wasn’t.”
It felt strange, knowing Leo was trusting him. But nice. The two boys stood there, leaning against the rail, watching the sun come up, standing in comfortable silence. For once, neither felt lonely.