Chapter Text
The rain is beginning to pound against the SBI tent. Kiara, JJ, and Pope have been sat to wait for someone to interrogate them for aiding and abetting a fugitive. They have no idea what's going on, and are just praying that John B and Sarah were able to make it out.
Kiara's throat aches from the way Rafe tried to choke her while they were trying to get the Phantom for John B. She looks over at JJ and wonders if he's feeling it, too. Barry got him pretty good before Pope showed up to beat their assailants back with a crowbar.
Pope.
Oh God.
She feels Pope's hand slide into hers while they wait. It really should be the last thing on her mind right now, but she can't help but wonder why his touch isn't comforting. Why doesn't it assure her that everything is going to be okay? Why does it feel like nothing?
She felt something when they kissed. Her heart was pounding and she was anxious. Of course, a lot of adrenaline was going through her system at the same time, sure, but come on, there was more to it than that. He has feelings for her, and she thinks she has feelings for him. At least before he put his hand in hers she did.
She doesn't pull away though, hoping that she feels something and that the kiss she gave him wasn't pointless. The longer they go with interlocked fingers however the more apparent it is. It was a mistake.
JJ looks around nervously, watching as officers leave and come back to the tent to check in on them. Something is going on, he can feel it. Why haven't they been pulled aside and talked to yet? That can't be a good sign. If the cops didn't already know where John B and Sarah were then they would be being talked to for information, right?
He doesn't realize he's shaking until Kiara puts a hand on his shoulder, deep brown eyes looking worriedly at him. His eyes glance to where she's holding Pope's hand. He hates how badly that messes him up but what's he to do? Can't get away from it.
He gives her a short, forced smile to assure her before running his hands through his hair, picking right back up where he left off on that nervous train.
Shoupe enters the tent right then, and they all stand instinctively, not caring if they were supposed to stay seated. He looks at the teens, an apologetic expression on his face. He simply says, "We lost them."
JJ is the first to realize what that means, face going blank as he waits for Pope to challenge the deputy for clearer information. Shoupe presses back on the hysterics, trying to justify the decisions of law enforcement. rationalizing that it was John B and Sarah who decided to barrel through a storm.
He's holding it together until he hears Kiara, the bravest of them all he swears, voices what all the adults in the room are dancing around. "So they're dead?"
Shoupe only admits, "We don't know."
JJ snaps. "You pushed them right into the storm, man!" He's ready to fight the deputy, trying to get in his face and make him understand how badly he messed up. Not willing to admit in that moment how much he blames himself. "Go to hell!" he screams, continuing to hurl insults and blame.
"JJ!" he can hear Kiara trying to call him back. "JJ stop, please," she begs. She doesn't want him to fight, never did like it when he went off the handle like this. He wants to snap back at her, tell her to go find Pope and leave him to deal with his crap his own way. None of this emotional stuff. Only reason he doesn't is because he's too focused on snapping at Shoupe.
More than one set of hands are on him when his body registers her touch. He always could recognize it. Even when she's trying to hold him back she's gentle. Like she knows how fragile he really is. Like she doesn't want him to break himself. He stops his thrashing as she pulls him into her, the other arms leaving as he crumbles into her embrace. It's hard to know whose tears are who's as they hold on to each other, thunder crashing and drowning out their cries.
Pope is still arguing with another deputy, trying to get them to explain why they weren't out there still searching. Shoupe said he didn't know if they were dead, so why weren't they searching? He's getting no answers and clocks that his friends are on the ground, crying into the other's shoulders.
He sees how tightly JJ is holding on to Kiara, pulling at the fabric in her top, forcing her body to blend with his own. If he didn't know the circumstances he might hold on to the feeling of uncomfortableness he initially feels at the sight. It reminds him of when they found him in the hot tub, bruised and bloodied by Luke. How she leapt into the hot water, shoes and all, without pause to comfort him.
Kiara was always the keeper of JJ feelings, and man were these big feelings. It's not surprising that she's conforming to him now as well.
Pope recognizes, logically, that no one is going out to search for their friends tonight because of the danger to everyone else. Why risk other lives when you doubt the survival rate of those you're searching for? They aren't saying they're dead because they don't have a body, not because they actually think they're alive.
He turns to his friends, finding them on the ground of the tent and wrapping his arms around them both. Kiara looks at him, heart breaking when she realizes that Pope is recognizing it too.
They lost them.
The storm isn't letting up when the Heywards and Carreras show up, each going to their own children, holding them tight. JJ is pulled in by the Heywards but he denies their request to have him stay with them for the night.
As much as he loves Pope, he's not in the mood to stay sober.
"I'm gonna go to the chateau," he tells Pope.
"Come on, man," Pope tries.
"What's going on?" Kiara asks, stepping away from her parents when she sees Pope's concerned face.
"Nothing," JJ says, shaking his head. "I'll see you guys later, alright?"
Kiara furrows her brow. Is he really thinking he's just going to walk away from this like that? "JJ, wait," she says, following him into the rain.
Mike and Anna watch her like a hawk, ready to intervene if she even so much as thinks about leaving their supervision.
JJ stops but doesn't face her, forcing her to step directly in front of him.
"I'll be fine, Kie," he tells her, not making eye contact.
"Where are you going?"
"The chateau," he says.
"By yourself?"
"Well, doubt John B'll be there," he snaps.
"Don't be like that." Kiara knows he's hurting. That he's trying to push her away, probably Pope, too. But they need each other. He can't just push them away like this.
JJ contorts his face so he doesn't lose it again. Something about Kiara always made it easy to break down. Like she could take all the pieces and put him back together.
"Bro just come back with me," Pope says, having followed them out as well.
"Nah, I'm good."
Kiara looks at her parents and starts to get anxious. She doesn't want to be alone either, but she especially doesn't want JJ alone right now. "Let's just meet at the chateau then," she says.
JJ meets her eye, then takes a look over at her parents. "Not sure that's gonna be allowed," he mumbles.
Kiara turns a hard expression in his direction, ignoring the comment. "Are you really going to be at the chateau?"
Hurts that she feels the need to check. Sure he wanted to drink, but he wasn't trying to avoid them. Not completely. He nods.
"Okay," she says, pulling him into another embrace. His hands are in his pockets when she wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him down to her level. It takes him a second to hug her back, but he does. It feels awkward though, with Pope watching. Like it's not something he should be doing anymore. God, how many people did he lose today?
"We'll meet at the chateau," Kiara repeats.
JJ nods and heads out, not even hurrying in the downpour.
"Are you okay?" Pope asks, when she starts to come back into the tent, hand coming to her shoulder.
She looks back towards the direction JJ left. She's not sure she'll be okay until they're all together. What's left of them, anyway. "I'll see you at the chateau," she says, walking past him and to her parents.
She can tell he wants her to lean on him, be her support. Let him comfort her. The thought is so off putting she can't handle it.
JJ walks back to the chateau, taking in every rain soaked step. When he finally reaches it, he just stands there. It's completely dark. Not at all what he's used to. Usually the TV is on at least, giving at least some sign that people live there.
He swallows hard. People don't live there anymore.
Once inside he flips on the lights. He forgot that the sheriff's department went through the house. Things are turned inside out. Great. He heads into the fridge, hoping that they didn't think there was incriminating evidence in there. Happily finds an old bottle of vodka in the freezer and a couple beers, which he'll save for the lightweights, in the fridge.
He sits amongst the papers that are thrown all over the pullout, not bothering with clearing it. He looks around at the pictures on the walls. Most of them with Big John and John B as he was growing up. Then he sees some of the Pogues on the HMS and the dock.
He takes a drink, face grimacing at the strength of the old liquor. By the time Pope shows up he's pretty buzzed.
"Holy crap" he comments, looking around at the mess.
"Wasn't me," JJ slurs. He tosses the Heyward boy, one of the PBRs he's managed to find. Pope catches it last second, scowling afterwards.
"Kie here?" Pope asks.
JJ shrugs. "Not that I've seen," he says. "You're her boyfriend, why don't you know where she is?"
Pope tenses, the comment not landing as innocently as JJ meant it to be. Pope feels like there is an undercurrent somewhere in the words. Like JJ is mad at him or something over his involvement with Kie.
"I think her phone got taken," Pope says.
"You texted her already?" JJ asks. "Damn it's been what, an hour? Little clingy, right?" He doesn't mean to be this confrontational. Really he's happy for his friend. Pope was smart and responsible. He was going places with his future and so was Kiara. Makes sense that she would want the same things that he does and be into him.
But he was feeling a loss, and as much as he was happy for Pope he couldn't help feel like this was just piling on to the already heavy weight of losing his best friend. Not only was John B gone but now he was gonna be third wheeling it with the girl he was in love with and his best friend.
Part of him wondered if he and Kiara may have been good for each other. They had chemistry, always flirting back and forth. They bickered but it was always with affection.
But she made her choice. Quite obviously too. Kissed Pope right in front of him. If there was ever a message that he wasn't what she wanted, that was it.
"Texted you too," Pope defends. "It's been a heavy night, sorry for caring."
That makes JJ feel bad. He pulls out his phone. Dead.
"Sorry man," he says, leaning up and rubbing his hands over his face. Trying to put some sobriety back into his blood so he can be there for his friends. He shouldn't be the only one who gets to fall apart. When Pope doesn't make a move to open the beer, JJ just shrugs and takes it as his cue to continue his plan of getting drunk and takes another gulp from the bottle.
Pope shakes it off. "It's okay." He takes a seat next to JJ and they wait for the curly haired girl.
Kiara waits until her parents are asleep before she decides to head out. She didn't even try to ask them about going to the chateau. There was no way they would ever let her.
Mike and Anna let her have the space she says she wants when she retreats to her room. It's already late so they are quick to go to bed and Kiara is even faster down the drainpipe near her window.
It's still raining fairly heavily so she takes her bike, which does nothing to block the rain, so she's drenched when she makes it up the steps to the patio.
When she comes through the door the boys are seated on the pullout. Pope has a PBR but he's not opened it yet. JJ is actively taking a swig from the bottle in his hands. Trust him to be the first one to be drinking.
JJ is also the first to acknowledge her. "Mama, Kie!" he cheers.
He's obviously gone already. Pope just shrugs. A flare of irritation goes through her. Everyone is hurting, but JJ shouldn't be drinking this much. She goes over to him and tries to take the bottle.
JJ's happy demeanor changes immediately. Clearly whatever good mood he portrayed when she walked through the door was an act, because he grips the bottle, hard icy eyes staring at her seriously. He wasn't going to let her take it from him that easily.
She stares back, not ready to give in either. While they hold the other's gaze, it feels like it's more than alcohol they're silently fighting over. Neither know how to interpret it though.
"Jayj," she whispers. "Please."
JJ shakes his head, not breaking eye contact.
"We're gonna be okay," she says, tears welling in her eyes while he fights his own.
"It's my fault, Kie," he argues, quietly. "It's my fault."
"What?" she asks, taken aback. He doesn't say anything, and she looks at Pope, trying to see if he understands. Pope just looks equally confused.
When she turns back, there are tear tracks on his cheeks. "It's my fault," he repeats, like a mantra. "I'm sorry, it's my fault," he breathes.
He keeps repeating the words, and Kiara shakes her head, not wanting to believe that he actually blames himself for what happened.
"No, JJ," she cries. "It's not."
JJ's tears keep falling as he breaks down. His grip loosens and she's able to pull the bottle free. She looks to Pope to help and they once again embrace each other.
The thunder keeps rolling and the remaining Pogues try to spend the night finding solace in each other. They end up falling asleep on the pullout, all one big group like they used to when they were younger.
When morning comes, Kiara feels the weight of the boys on her. Opening her eyes she sees that it's really just one boy.
Pope has wrapped one of his arms around her waist, and his head is on her shoulder. He's out like a light still, and Kiara slowly uncurls herself from his grip. He moans, rolling over and continuing his unconscious state.
JJ is nowhere in sight and it makes her worried, so she begins to search for him. It doesn't actually take too long, she finds him in one of the hammocks, staring out at the marsh as the sun rises.
It's almost unfair that the weather is pretending like this is a good day. The sun breaking through the clouds like it was trying to make up for the night's vindictiveness. Too freaking late, Mother Nature.
"Hey," she says, walking up to him.
He turns in her direction, a joint hanging out of his mouth. "Hey," he echoes.
She drops into the hammock, curling up to him like she was her security blanket. Maybe he was. Her head rests on his shoulder and she thinks about how much safer it feels to have this small contact than Pope's arms around her. God, she messed up with Pope.
JJ silently passes her the blunt after he lights it, knowing she'd need it after last night. Not that she got drunk or nothing(that was his reason). Just was probably in her head a bit and needed an escape.
"Where's Pope?"
She frowns. Not exactly what she wanted to start the morning with, even if she'd already been thinking about him. "Still asleep."
JJ nods, taking the joint back after she takes a long drag, holding it in her lungs until she feels it hit her head the way she needs it to.
"You okay?" JJ asks, side eyeing her as she blows out the smoke.
"Are you?"
He rests his head back. He doesn't remember a ton after he started chugging vodka, but he can recognize the shift in her tone. They were all going through something but this sounded like she was asking for something deeper. Like, yeah, both our best friends died but I'm worried about you a bit more than myself for some reason.
"Asked you first," he quips. She breathes out a bit harshly, making JJ feel like he needs to defend himself. "I'm fine, Kie."
"One hundred percent not true."
"Oh yeah, like you are in any position to judge," he argues back. He wasn't the only one who lost someone. If anything, Kiara lost more. Sarah was her friend, not his or Pope's. Only knew the girl for like a week. She turns her head to look at him completely.
"I don't think it's my fault, Jayj."
He pauses for a second. Apparently drunk JJ was a little bit of an over-sharer last night, that stupid bastard.
Kiara holds his gaze as they sway in the hammock, birds chirping and world turning like it always does. And somehow they are expected to move on too.
"Cause it's not," JJ says.
"Not yours either, JJ."
He licks his lips. It was his fault. He gave John B the keys to the Phantom, a heading, and farewell. Sent him straight to his death and cheered while doing it.
She's still looking at him when his eyes rebel and drop to her lips for like .1 second. He could shoot himself when he hears her breath catch. She totally caught him. He forces himself to meet her eye again.
"Don't say things that aren't true, Kie."
He's probably hallucinating, but he swears he catches her eyes looking at his mouth, too.
The screen door swings shut with a creaky slap and the fixation on each other is broken a second after Pope spots them in the hammock.
Crap.
Pope.
JJ glances back at Kiara, but she's shifting away from him, like she gets how this looks now that her and Pope are together. He should care about that too. Is it sad that he has to force himself to?
Not wanting to be the one to be ditched, JJ gets up from the hammock. "I'm gonna shower," he tells Pope as he passes him in the middle of the yard.
Pope looks back at him as he makes his way into the chateau and turns towards Kiara. She is still sitting in the hammock, but she climbs out of it before he can take JJ's place.
"We can't leave him alone," Kiara says, clear worry in her voice.
"What?" Pope asks, confused at the topic of conversation.
"JJ," she clarifies. "He can't be alone."
"Why?"
Kiara scoffs. "Because he's in total self-destruction mode," she explains, like that wasn't already obvious. "He thinks—" she hesitates, not realizing how hard it would be to say the words out loud. "He thinks John B and Sarah dying is his fault." She blinks back tears as she crosses her arms and looks at the sky. "We can't leave him, Pope. He needs us. He needs his family."
It's always been an obvious truth. JJ wasn't like Kiara and Pope or even John B. He didn't have parents that cared. He had John B. John B was JJ's family. His brother. And he's gone now. All JJ has now is Kiara and Pope and they can't just leave him on his own to mourn.
Pope nods a little frantically, wanting to agree with her. Be on the same side. Things have felt off since the Phantom and it's not just that their best friends died. Things were changing between him and Kiara, and he wasn't sure what it's supposed to feel like now. He was all in, shouldn't it feel like she is too?
"Yeah, okay," he agrees. "Um, I can ask him to come back to my place."
Kiara shakes her head. "I don't think he's going anywhere he won't be able to drink."
"Alright, I'll see if I can stay a couple days, but I can't be gone every night," Pope says. "My parents are already pissed I'm here right now."
Kiara gets that. Her own parents are probably having a melt down right now. No idea, since her phone is dead. "Okay, yeah," she agrees.
"Actually," he starts. "I should go now. I'll check in and be back tonight."
"That's fine," she says. "I can stay tonight, don't worry."
"You're sure?" Pope questions.
"Yeah, it's fine," she says.
"Okay," Pope says, looking a bit unsure about his next move. He leans in and gives her a hesitant kiss on the cheek. She gives him a surprised expression, like she wasn't expecting the move. "I'll see you later?" She blinks a couple times.
"Yeah. Yeah, later."
JJ showers and puts on a clean change of clothes from his room at the chateau. He doesn't have much left. Have to go back to his shack at some point to collect his things.
Luke is gonna be pissed. Best to put that off as long as possible.
Not like he spent many nights there anyway. He comes out of his room and passes John B's. The door is open part way. JJ shakily grabs the handle, practically slamming it shut.
When he turns around he collides with Kiara, and they both jump back, startled. "God, Kie, way to sneak up on a man, " he breathes, hand to his chest as he walks back into the living room.
"I was calling for you," she says.
He hums, taking the unopened PBR that Pope was given and cracking it open. He'd wait until Kiara was gone before hitting the hard stuff. "Something you wanted?" he asks, sitting on the pullout.
"Thought we could clean up the place," she says, waving a hand in the general direction of the entire mess that the cops left behind.
"Don't your parents want you back home?" he says, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.
"Since when do you care about me listening to my parents?" She challenges.
"Fine, get grounded," he quips. "Didn't wanna see you again anyway."
"Are you still drunk?"
He lifts the beer can. "That's the goal."
"Come on, Jay," she requests. "We can drink later."
"Yeah, like you'd ever get drunk with me." He sighs, looking at his feet before up at her.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
He rolls his eyes. "You don't drink with me," he says, obviously. It was true. She'd have a few beers at the boneyard and smoke a j with him any time he asked but they'd never been drunk together. Part of him wonders why. "Why is that, by the way?"
She scoffs, like it isn't true.
"Because you think I need looking after?" he theorizes, thinking back on all the times she's helped him into the Twinkie or gave him a bowl to throw up in.
She wasn't expecting him to nail it right on the head. "No," she denies.
He cocks a brow, clearly not believing her, but planning on taking full advantage of her denial. "Prove it."
"What?"
"This sucks for you, just as much as it does for me," he tells her. "Why be sober for it?"
Because one of us needs to be, she thinks.
"What I thought," he says, shaking his head, rolling his eyes like he read her mind.
Kiara stands a little taller, straightening out her posture before going to the freezer and pulling out the vodka. She slams it on the coffee table, and JJ can't help but grin for the first time in over twenty four hours.
It takes approximately no amount of time for Kiara and JJ to get absolutely smashed. She gets it now, why he drinks. Hard to feel anything bad when you can't feel your body period.
"Remember when you flipped off the HMS?" she laughs.
"Which time?" he chuckles.
Kiara pauses. "I don't remember," she giggles.
They're on the outdoor couch. JJ laughs. It was funny. Kiara was funny. Her arm brushes against his every so often, and he feels tingles shoot through his toes. She's the only one that makes him feel that way.
Her head falls on his shoulder and he's suddenly forgotten about everything bad that's happened. Her hair smells nice when he casually turns to inhale. Wouldn't mind getting high on that instead of weed.
"Are you smelling my hair?"
"What? No!"
Kiara only laughs.
A few seconds later a Kildare County Sheriff truck approaches the chateau, and Shoupe steps out. JJ's mood instantly sours, body tensing under Kiara's head.
"Kiara Carrera," Shoupe addresses. "Time to go home."
She gives him a dirty look. "You're not my dad."
Shoupe spots the bottle of vodka they've left next to their feet. "Lucky for you," he says. "Still, your mom and dad are worried sick. Come on, now," he beckons with a hand motion.
Kiara doesn't move and JJ can sense Shoupe getting irritated. Obviously, he didn't feel this was a good use of law enforcement time.
"Just go, Kie," he tells her. "I'm fine." Cause he knows that's her hang up. Thinks he's a flight risk or is gonna do something stupid without supervision. He could take care of himself though.
She looks at him, worried. "I promise," he says, giving her a small smile. Not unlike the one he gave her while they were waiting for news about John B and Sarah in the SBI tent.
"I'll text you," she says, getting up and walking(stumbling really) into the sheriff's truck. JJ watches them drive off before grabbing the neck of the vodka bottle, continuing his mission of drinking to forget.